And if you believe THAT...

OR SOMETHING (Pan interior of a National Guard Armory in some farming community in America, does it matter where? The Pyro/Sparkler guys are even here tonight, it's a big one....or something)
Hello fans and welcome to TSO, a real barn burner tonight....
Yo, don't you mean Nationa Guard Armry burna?
Shut up, Jamal. I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden along with Jamal Tupac Mustafa and we have a BIG card tonight. Captain Twilight was suppossed to be here with us, but apparently he was upset that douja got the cameo in "Phantom Menance II Society" and he didn't. He's taking it up with the director right now.
Whass tha dilly-yo, who be on tap tonight? And I didn't see douja at all.
Come to think of it, neither did I. Anyhoo...we have Claude "Lightning Clippers" Leroux/ Bob "SheepShearer" Smith taking on the Mad Cow in a Canada vs. New Zealand beer drinking contest. The much anticipated Canada vs. Tri-Lambda challenge featuring Lenny Baxter, Petey the Peanut Guy, and newcomer (takes a deep breath) The Canadian Moon Man Handy Dandy Rocket Randy Armstrong as they take on the Tri- Lambdas. Mad Cow was suppossed to team with Lenny, Petey, and Randy, but will wrestle in the first match... making this a six-man tag.
Yo V., Randy betta not choke, I don't want to hear about anotha Armstrong Curse.
Bohemoth battles B. F. Sack in what should be a classic, and Dr. Silaconne M. Plants defends his North American Title against the last three champions in an over the top rope elimination match.
Damn V, all dat? You gotsta be kiddin'! Hey, whass dat smell...did you cheese up in here?
What? Did you just accuse me of breaking wind? A Scotsman never toots in public. It must be "Soft Core" Zack, he's at ringside with that disgusting jock strap, that was apparently confiscated and is now back to everyone's chagrin. And hey, is that Screech Powers with him?
I don't know, but check out dat strap. Dat thing got more skid marks than Daytona, yo. Zack betta peeps into some good doodie paper cause his brand ain't workin', knowwhatI'msayin'?
That was well put, Jamal. I know you're here for a good reason. *sigh*

Due to scatological humour this card has been rated TV-PG. Even though I'd like to knock it down to C8...or Y7...or whichever the hell rating system you're using in whichever country.

Our first match of the night is set for one fall. When one man stumbles from intoxication, the other can attempt a pin. No wrestling moves allowed. And due to the (tm) truck not delivering our shipment of (tm)s, no brand names can be used. Both participants started drinking his opponent's home country brewski earlier in the night and now they're in the ring. First, from Calgary, Alberta, Canada and weighing slightly more than usual....representing the Mad Force Whatever The Total Is Now......THE MAD COW!
(Cow draws some boos, because he's from Canada, and this card is in the U.S., the fans are getting ready for the Canada/U.S. thingee I guess...but let's face it, we all know Canada's better, right? Hey, what are you doing with that cattle prod?)
His opponent, representing The Head Trauma Club, from Wak-a-whatever that is, New Zealand.... Uh...what IS his name? Oh's "LIGHTNING CLIPPERS"!(mixed reaction for the quasi-heel)

***bell rings.
And here we go! Both men look wasted already. Claude's turn to take a drink....

Disclaimer: The STWF does not condone the drinking of alcoholic beverages for sport or any other reason. So there, stick to milk.

Man, "Clippas" lookin' tore up from tha floor up. Dose Canada hops kickin' his booty. But dat stuff ain't got nothin' on a 40 of Cobra, yo.
Jamal, please. The Man Formerly Known as Claude almost goes down. Mad Cow turning up his cup of New Zealand's finest. He's wobbly, he could.....yes he's down! Now, can Claude get over and pin him?
I dunno, whass tha script say? I got Cobra on mine.
Jamal, you can't drink beer at a live show. What's wrong with you?
It's not beer, yo. It's malt invention by The Man to keep us down.
Oh bother, I will not even try to acknowledge that. Claude couldn't make the pin, it's his turn to drink.
Is dat Moosehead? (tm), dat look like Moosehead. (tm)
Quit it, you know those (tm)s are limited! Leroux slams it and yes....he's down! I think he might have passed out.
Mad Cow with the cover.! Claude seized a little and kicked out.
Man, he gonna get alcohol poisonin'. He be out there seizin' and stuff. Look V, I think he gonna yak.
You're right, Jamal....Claude's looking a little green out there. Mad Cow takes in some more NZ brew. He's down!
Yo, neitha of these dudes can hold dey liqua. Look at Claude tryin' a pin. 1...2..... man, dat was close V.
Claude forced to drink again....he does and falls over. This could be it! Cow covers, 1....2.....3 !!!!
The winner of this contest...THE MAD COW !!!!!
I guess da difference was dat there are more well known Canadian beers out there than from New Zealand. Claude was outmanned, yo.
I guess. The next match should be a doozy. Doozy? Who wrote that? Jamal, have you been messing with my format again? It's Canada vs. Geeks 'N Demons. A newcomer has really stirred up some patriotism in the STWF. I don't know alot about him. He must obviously be Canadian. Apparently an astronaut. And I dare not say what "Handy Dandy" means.
Maybe he be good with tools, you know, to fix his rocket.
The next match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from the Mad Force Insert Number.... LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER AND PETEY THE PEANUT GUY !!! Their partner, making his debut.....the guy with way too many names....RANDY ARMSTRONG !!!
(confused, Vic the Sound Guy plays "Rocket Man" by Elton John. Crowd sits motionless, hoping at least for Peter Schilling.)
Their opponents, BAIT AND SWITCH-THE TECHIE SALESMEN FROM HELL AND THE PENCIL-NECKED GEEK.....TRI LAMBDA !!!!!(The Intel Jingle plays over and over again....the Tri-Lambs even get cheers, but only because the represent the U.S. in this one. Which is unusual considering they're from Hell and Computers Unknown, respectively.)

***bell rings.
It looks like HDRRA is going to start things for the Canadians. The Canadian Moon Man will face PNG. Edwina has joined the Tri-Lambs at ringside.
Oh look V, Edwina out there. I bet she gets involved.
Wait a minute, I've just been informed that Claude Leroux was suppossed to be the special referee for this match. Since he is obviously drunker than Cooter Brown...we have a replacement.....JEAN BANNISTER !!!!!
Who is Coota Brown? And Jean be Canadian, he gonna throw this match worse than Raoul Ramon Ramirez did for Mexico Unlimited all da time. Bannister and Hungalot be after tha Techies foreva. This ain't even fair, yo.
Quit whining, Jamal. You're just saying that because you're from Brooklyn and American. I'm sure Jean will be an unbiased official. Armstrong with a kick to PNG's gut. Whips him into the ropes and a flying dropkick. Look at that, Jamal. Good start for the rookie. With a name like Canadian Moon Man Handy Dandy Rocket you know he's GOT to be a high flyer.
Whateva, yo. I could beat him, though. I got skills. You remember that match I won....and wait, who said I was from Brooklyn?
HDRRA with a flying headscissors, a flying clothesline, a flying chinlock....never seen one of those before. And oh...a flying burrito! When's the last time we seen that move?
He nothing. PNG with a quick tag to Switch. Now, let's see what Stretch Armstrong got.
It's Randy, Jamal. Randy is apparently the illegitimate grandson of Neil Armstrong, but good luck proving it. Switch with an ab rake. Randy the Rookie having problems selling that one, he looks confused.
Man, those Techies be smart, that move won tha belts for them before, took tha newbie off guard. Switch follows with a one of those kicks to the back of tha head.
An enzuigiri? Why don't you leave the technical moves to me and stick with colour commentary.
I put the "colour" in colour commentary, yo.
Randy not making the tag. I think he's trying too hard to impress the Mad Force members. Switch tags Bait....and there's the Hard Sell!! Bait with the cover....this one's over quickly. Wait !!! Bannister is not counting !!!
Man, I tole you he'd be crooked !!!
Bait with words to Bannister....and Jean nails him !!!
Yo, it be on now !!!
Lenny is in the ring and is met by Switch and they start trading punches. Petey is being held by Edwina. Bait and Bannister going at it.
Look V, here come Claude, he drunker than my Uncle Tyrone at family Bar-B-Q's, yo!
You don't have an Uncle Tyrone, Jamal. PNG with the cover on Armstrong....Claude with the count !!
1.......................2...... (minutes pass) ......3 !!!!!!!!!!
Man, that was a slow count.
What do you expect, he's plastered....and the pin legal becaue he was the first official special referee.
The winners of the match.......TRI-LAMBDA !!!!!!!!
But look at this! Tri-Lambda doesn't quite appear done. Here comes the Square with the ramp, and that means the Immortal Shapes are IN...THE...FACIZILITY! Wait, was that your line, JTM? Anyway, we've got one hell of a brawl happening right now! Unfortunately, I can't call it as I see it because we're only TV-PG tonight! Generic security out to seperate everybody, I don't think we've heard the last of this one. Really heats things up for Olympic hockey when that comes around again, though. What's next? I think it's commercial time......

BUY CANADA DAY CHAOS.........OR DON'T !!!!!!!!

That sucked, V.
Well, it is TSO after all.
The next event is set for one fall. First, from Charleston, West Virginia and big as all get out..... BOHEMOTH !!!!
("In The Hall of The Mountain King" by Grieg plays. The huge miner comes out to a good pop.)
His opponent....from......AHHH! HE'S COMING RIGHT FOR US! (dives out of the ring)

***bell rings.
Wow !!!! Look at B. F. Sack charge the ring....he didn't even wait for his intro. The crowd is deafening as Sack slides under the ropes and Bo greets him with a stomp before he can stand up. Bohemoth with rights and lefts, B. F. trying to cover up. Bo whips him into the ropes, ducks, and Sack kicks him.
Bo telegraphed dat backdrop, yo. Sack wit tha good ole fashioned piledriver. How long do ya think this will last, V ?
Let's see....Fight in tha stands? Where, yo? I love those!
No dummy, someone is coming down the's Mittens. Okay, so it's not a fight in the stands THIS time.
Man, not only does he reply to EVERY interview, now he gotta get involved in matches, too? He be lost without GOB. And yo, he ain't got manners no more.
He's getting pummeled, though. Bo and Sack are both beating on Mittens as he tried to get in the ring. They both pull him in, kick him some, and double clothesline him over the ropes !! Looks like they found a common enemy.
Nah V, look at Bo !!!!
OOHHHHH!! Bo with a kick to Sack's midsection....a then a powerbomb ! He's going to the top.....SMASHER !!!! crowd counts....ONE.....TWO......THREE !!!!!!!!!!!
The winner of the match..............BOHEMOTH! Oh damn, and I had bet on Sack just like the other times. Well, bet with the streak or not at all. Oh well.
Big win for Bo...he looks ready for Sgt. Genocide. Bo celebrating with Little Bo outside the ring.
Little Bo? Man, can we show dat on TV?
(The lights go out......)
Yo, whass up wit this?
Don't worry, you know they'll come back on soon. They only stay off long enough for some shananagans to take place at ringside.
(Lights come back on.....)
See, I told you.
Check it out, V. Bo is covered with soap suds!
Dare I say it....Bohemoth has been the victim of a BUBBLE BATH!
Shoot, it betta than red food colorin' and easier to clean. Who coulda done this to Bo? Is Tha Sanitation Crew back like the Immortal Shapes? Some new dude? Whass up?
Well, Sgt. Genocide is always talking about "cleansing". Maybe he's sending a message to Bohemoth. I guess we'll have to just wait and see. Bo needing assistance to the back by other Alliance members....apparently getting soap in his one good eye.
Yeah, but check out that kickin' shine on his glass one, must be some high grade suds, yo.
Our final match of the evening is an over the top rope elimination match for the North American Heavyweight Title. Already in the ring...representing the "Three Guys", Former N.A. Champion... THE VIOLENT PACIFIST! (good pop for VP)
And also in the ring...another former N.A. Champion that defeated the first guy I announced...DOCTOR SNARE! (some cheers, but not even close to "thunderous")
Next...(stuff breaking is heard. The crowd explodes into ear shattering cheers) the man that took the title from the second man I announced that beat the first man I announced, who in turn beat up the old lady who swallowed a fly...I don't know why...LUKE WARM!
And finally, the man that won the title at Supercard in a rickety easel match, taking the belt from the last man I announced, who took it from the...oh, you know the drill... the current North American Champion... DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS! (good pop for the Head Trauma Member, but some boos for his heel-like arrogant nature)

DK's note: Be glad I cleaned this thing up. Apparently, the writer thought that these guys warranted multiple exclamation points, and gave a whopping 20 to Dr. Plants. All you punctuation freaks, remember: less is more. End transmission!

***bell rings.
Plants: By the way, it's SMP. And why wasn't "Smooth Operator" by Sade played for me?
Ohh! While Plants was gabbing to Announcer Lad, Luke attacked him! VP and Snare going at it on the other side of the ring. It's every man for himself, and of course, to be eliminated, you must go over the top rope and down to the floor.
Is dat why they call it an over tha top rope elimination match, V?
I'm not sure, let me check the rulebook on that one. Luke with a series of right hands to Silaconne's head, Plants is down! Luke runs over and clothelines Snare! Luke with a kick to VP, and throws him over the top rope!
Yo, Luke looking good !!! He gonna bring tha title back home! VP didn't hit tha floor, yo. He still in there.
Pacifist nails Warm from behind. Plants just DDTed Dr. Snare, the former partners in Club Med hooking it up.
Lotsa history in dis one, V. All dese dudes have met each udda before. They be very familiar with each other, yo.
Snare just headbutted Silaconne with his hockey mask, the champ appears to be bloodied!
He won't scar though, he's a plastic surgeon, yo. He knows how to hide scars.
What are you saying, Jamal? That Plants would cut himself just for the entertainment of our fans?
Uh... yes?
Okay, just checking. Plants has juiced. Man, is he bloody. But he's still in the ring, and thus still the champion. VP trying to get Luke over the rope, holding his leg, you know, keeping him in just as much as forcing him over. But it makes a good visual.
Snare be trying to help VP, whassup widdat? Plants still down.
They better watch out, you know Luke can hit the Stonecu...DOUBLE STONECUTTER ON VIOLENT PACIFIST AND DOCTOR SNARE! Plants is up....staggering...Luke grabs him...
Let me do one, V.
No. STONECUTTER ON SMP!! All Luke has to do now is get all three men over the top rope. Wait, Luke is up in the corner, giving the double thumbs up! The crowd is going nuts!
Hey, V. The people be standing again.
Oh my! It's the IG Champion himself, Sergeant Genocide. We must be low on interference quota!!! He has a case of Yoo-Hoo (tm) ...(that was the last one we had)...and is busting the bottles on the ramp!
Man, why he be wasting them like that? Some people are killin' each udder for dat stuff. Cobra betta, though.
Luke is irate! Call him names, smacktalk his Mama, but don't mess with Luke-Hoo (--)...(see, I told you)...oh no, Luke just jumped over the top rope and is running up the ramp, he eliminated himself! Now, what in the world? "Soft Core" Zack is one the ring apron. He's unscrewing the turnbuckle. The top rope is sagging. Dr. Snare staggers to his feet, selling the Stonecutter well......he stumbles over to the ropes, and falls out of the ring ! He's eliminated himself!
I sense a trend, yo.
Since when are YOU sensing trends? Well, I guess you'd have to since Captain Twilight's not here. Wouldn't you know it, The Violent Pacifist also has staggered to the slumping ropes....he falls out and has eliminated himself! Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is bloody and unconscious in the middle of the ring...but go ahead Lad...
The...uh....."winner" of this match, and STILLLLLLLLLL the North Amercian Champion... DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS!
Yo, he don't look like no winna to me.
Look, Zack is in the ring, I don't know where Screech went...but Zack is pulling out one of his Jockos! I thought those were banned.

Yeah, they were. Where are the Right Hand Man and the Rogue to enforce this? Don't make me come down there!

He's put that stank jock on Plants' face!
Yo, dat thing reeks! It'll either wake him up or kill him.
Jamal, nobody but maybe Ken Thompson expires in an STWF ring, you know that. Hey, LUKE IS BACK! Still looking for Genocide. He grabs Chet all the way from the video booth...STONECUTTER!
Aw, Chet gonna sue us now, he gots a "no-bump" contract.
He grabs Pyro guy #2........STONECUTTER! Luke has snapped! He looks at the Creepy Timekeeper.
Yo, nobody even gets close to Creepy, let alone touch his creepy a<-BLEEP->s...
Eeeeh. Just like mother used to do to me. Ooooh. Can I have another one? Please? Eeeeeeh.
Come on, V. Let me do the next one...
No. Luke is in the ring...STONECUTTER ON "SOFT CORE" ZACK! Luke is berserk! The jockstrap went flying...Luke sees it...
No way, yo.
Man, you a hog. Luke be tryin' to set a record and you won't even let me say it once. Uh oh, Luke be comin' up here...I'm outtie!
Yes, looks like a good time to be OUT of time...for Jamal Tupac Mustafa...I'm Angus "Vince" Mc... oh, hi Luke.......AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!

©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre