Thursday Something Or Other #8 (BRAAAP!)... #8 (BRAAAP!)... #8 (BRAAAP!)

(Oh, we did that bit at FFF#8, get over it, it still isn't funny! Ahem, pan interior of the Cowpie Palace. Business as usual.)
Hello, fans, and welcome to this post-SUPERCARD IV edition of Thursday Something-or-Other! And boy, what a card it was! If you missed it, you really suck, but don't worry, because there's at least SIX Encore presentations playing on Tuesday and early Wednesday. But you'll know all the results by then... I'm joined by Captain Twilight.
Greetings to all.
Sure, Cap, whatever. We've got a really subpar show lined up because our ratings will be high anyway...and first we'll take you to some boring doctor who will explain the Tiger's condition after the beating suffered at the hands of Prisoner X.

(A regular soundstage, with bookshelves of fake books, a skeleton and some charts of the muscular system as reference shots. Some nameless guy is dressed in a lab coat and glasses, and is obviously reading a teleprompter.)
Doctor: The Tiger is suffering what we call "dead-end-angle" of the patella, or kneecap. In such a case, the Tiger will be required to use crutches for a while, but will maintain perfect balance if he needs to utilise one of his crutches for a weapon. As a result, he will miss six weeks of actual wrestling, or until they tell him the angle is over, in which case he could make a recovery as early as today. Thank you.
Well isn't THAT something!
Yeah, behold the marvels of sports-entertainment medical science. Let's start things off with a BIG match as Flash "the Mastermind" Flanagan takes on douja. Hubcap Gang vs. Rogue's Gallery, what do you have to say about that?
I say that a federation revolving around two stables can get mighty tedious.
This contest is set for one fall. First, from Corinth, Kentucky...you know him as well as I do, he's the "Mastermind" of the Hubcap Gang..."FLASH" FLANAGAN!
It's time to get real real.
("It's All Been Done" by the Barenaked Ladies plays. Huge pop. StreetMime walks down the aisle with him, pointing at him and then doing the "pat-your-head-and-rub-your-belly" thing for some reason.)
His opponent, from Parts Forgotten, representing the notorious, despicable, downright EVIL Rogue's Gallery, he's douja!
(The strains of Cypress Hill come blaring out. "Crude" Oil is assisting douja to the ring. douja's blue boxers will attest to the fact that he's misplaced his pants...again.)
***bell rings.
douja knocks down Flanagan. How, I'm not sure, they were five feet away from each other. The Mastermind is up, he puts on a stepping side kick. Elbowdrop and a cover: 1...kickout. He pulls up douja by the hair. Against the ropes, Flanagan nails douja with a clothesline. douja gets up and gives one of his own. Now to the buckle, douja's getting a count-along...
Oh boy, I love these!
Crowd: ONE! TWO! ...
douja stops at two. Some count-along. The Mastermind grabs douja by the armpits and brings douja DOWN to the canvas! 1...2...douja with his feet on the ropes.
We almost had a new...wait, douja's not anything, is he?
I could give you a million responses for that one. But I won't choose any. douja is up. Vicious headbutt to the Mastermind's precious nose. A pin is made. Flash bridges out of it. douja with another headbutt to the nose. Flanagan is down once again. douja doing a little strut and waving around his "little friend". Yes, that little joint still with him.
douja is playing a small role in "Phantom Menace II Society", which made a whopping $12,000 nationwide last weekend in the box office, debuting in 59th place.
Thanks for the tidbit. douja now finally is done strutting. He turns around and takes a reverse-nelson neckbreaker from the Mastermind right away! Flanagan setting up the pump-handle...pauses it in mid-air and now sets up for a kneeling piledriver!
Code red... this man needs a new finisher... stat!
Well, whatever works. 1...2...3! douja should consider coming at a time when he's not high.
And when he's got pants for crying out loud. Well, we can accept no pants on a Nae Trous at least.
Crude Oil slapping douja upside the head as he carries him back to the locker room. StreetMime still miming for Flash on the way back as well.
That was strangely unfulfilling.
Yes, I think we need a tag team match to cleanse the palates. Let's watch as the Agency takes on the Pissed Teens in a double-debut encounter.
This here's a tag team contest, y'all, and it's set for one fall, y'hear? Now moseyin' on in here, tippin' the scales at 351 lbs., we've got Mike and Tim, and them there's the Pissed Teens!
("Fight" by the Beastie Boys plays. The Teens come out, looking very scraggly with their acne and one with a bad teenage goatee.)
And their opponents, from Parts Classified, weighing in at 466 lbs., Agnets Sculder and Mully, THE AGENCY!
(A reworked "Mulder and Scully" by Catatonia plays. The Agency come out, wearing clothes that can only be described as "really darn black". Mully appears female, but then again, possibly not.)
***bell rings.
So it's Mully...and Mike. Now, we don't have a problem with female wrestlers here, but it's nice to at least get a definitive gender, isn't it, Cap?
Oh, absolutely. But if the Agency really want to get anywhere in their investigations they'll want to look into our freakier guys...Sasquatch and Dizzy Desi...demons from Hell appearing as Techie Salesmen...Sugarplum Harry the Pixie King...Death the partying soultaker...El Spheros, a human sphere...
El Spheros hasn't been around in ages! Why are you bringing him up? You'd think this was going to become an angle or something. Mike with a drop toehold. Mully gets up and adjusts herself...
Crowd: Ewwwwww.
I'm with the crowd on that one. Mully with a side headlock and putting on some closed fists. She's trying to interrogate him. She won't get anywhere with a dimwit like Mike.
She pushes him away in disgust. Both teams make the tag, Tim is brought back from the distraction of one of those lightsabres in the audience. They are pretty hypnotizing, aren't they?
Cap? CAP?! Oh joy, we've lost him. Sculder knocks him down, which wasn't that hard in the first place. Tim staring at the ceiling in a daze. Sculder seems intrigued. He pulls out a tape recorder and starts talking into it.
Sculder: Diane, things really are strange here in the Stereo Type Wrestling Federation. I've never seen anything like it. One thing's for sure, though: the crew makes a damn fine cup of coffee.
Oh wow! The Pissed Teen just rolled up Sculder in his monologue! There's a cover, a count, a victory!
Here are your winners, the PISSED TEENS!
Well that was certainly interesting. To continue, we'll see a big match! Bohemoth will take on Homicidal Hank, and boy, if this won't open up old wounds!
Huh? What? Hey, this isn't Louisville!
Glad to see you're back, Cap. But first, some commercials!
It's the biggest movie event since "OJ: The Musical"! A Spike Lee/Heile Woo joint: "Phantom Menace II Society"! See the action of a high-speed interstate pod chase for fifteen minutes! Witness the boredom of dialogue explaining the inner workings of a drug cartel! Laugh at the hilarity of GG Binks, the token wigger trying to fit in! Don't blink, or you'll miss douja's cameo! That's "Phantom Menace II Society", watch it, or we'll pop a cap in you.
Fire in Tonawanda: So what else is new? Catch Hearsay News, film at 11.
This contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way first, from Charleston, WV, weighing 490 lbs., BOHEMOTH!
("In the Hall of the Mountain King" plays. Bohemoth runs out and enters the ring via rolling under the bottom rope.)
His opponent, former Intergalactic Champion, and does this man really need an introduction? Accompanied by Spike...HOMICIDAL HANK!
("I'm Going Slightly Mad" by Queen plays - the crowd notices it's no longer "Intergalactic".)
***bell rings.
Hank: Wait a minute, hold on here! I'm supposed to be on Sabbatical! What am I doing here? Why can't I remember the past two days? Spike? Insights?
Spike: ...
Hank: Fat lot of good YOU are.
Bohemoth has had enough of this. He's going to town on Hank!
Well, what took him so long? There's a backbreaker by Bohemoth! Now he's attempting a Pit Stop for some reason.
Hank could get blacklung from that!
Only if he breathes. He's clasping his neck, I think he did! What a mistake. He's near-incapacitated now. Bohemoth up top...SMASHER! It's over. No need to count. The ref isn't counting and lifts Bohemoth's hand.
How unorthodox! Saves time, though.
Yes, when you absolutely MUST leave three seconds early.
Here is your winner...BOHEMOTH!
Boy, Bohemoth looks focussed. I think he looks poised to take on Sergeant Genocide in the future.
Oh sure, give it away.
Our final match of this evening...well, actually, it's not even a match. We have to show you the results of Win Fred Meatnsaucy's Money!
As you well know, the last competitor to face the Rogue in a best-of-ten-test-of-wrestling-knowledge was the Mad Cow. With a score of 6-3, the Rogue comes out victorious, improving his record to 2 wins, 1 loss.
Here comes the Gallery now.
Hey Mad Cow, it's time. My boys are ready to show you that ignorance is ANYTHING but bliss. Ha-LA! Take your beating like a man, or maybe even like an animal.
A dejected Mad Cow is entering the ring. For losing, he must endure five minutes of pummelling from the Rogue's Gallery. And this time, it's going to be for real! The Homeboyz, the Aboriginals, Crude Oil, Col. Khorne, douja...and the Intergalactic Champion. He looks even MORE fearsome with the gold around his waist.
I never would have thought that possible. He definitely looks like someone you don't want to anger. And he's the man to beat right now.
He is well-spoken though.
That's true.
The Mad Cow is rushed by the Gallery and the time has been started!
(A little analog clock appears in the corner that turns blue for time used up. "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" is being played to act as a foil.)
douja putting the boots to Mad Cow. Colonel Khorne with the metal tray, as effective as ANY stop sign! The Aboriginals doing a modest job of holding the Mad Cow down. The Homeboyz with some rapid-fire elbowdrops. Mad Cow is really feeling the burn here. Now they're clearing, as Sergeant Genocide comes in. That belt is off...Mad Cow getting whipped!
Whipped like a bee<-BLEEP->ch!
Hey, that bit's in Jamal's handwriting! He's gonna pay for that. Mad Cow's back is red now. Wait...now the ROGUE wants some!
Yeah, that's it, hold him good! Oh, this is going to be sweet. Ha-LA!
The Rogue is kicking the Mad Cow right in the face! We can see a little dribble from his nose. Cap, have you ever questioned the concept of Win Fred Meatnsaucy's Money? Is this RIGHT?!
Mad Cow went in willingly, Vince. And the Tiger DID win $5000.
Yeah, I guess. Well, the time's up. The Rogue and his Gallery are doing some showboating in the ring and Elvis-pointing the Mad Cow. What a dispicable display! And ... Cap? Would you like to say it this time?
With pleasure! And heeeeeeere comes the TRASH!
We haven't had a good trash-tossing like this in years. Yeah! Well, that's it for us. On Monday Nae Trous, you'll see the Mid-East Alliance vs. the Tri-Lambda Group in six-man tag action, you'll see Violent Beauregard against a newcomer only known as "Four", the Head Trauma Boys defend their belts...against who? You'll just have to find out! And much more! So for Captain Twilight, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, tune in next week for another exciting Thursday Something-or-Other. Or something.
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre