Yeah, it's Thursday, what's it to ya?
(Pan Interior of the Cowpie Palace. A great place for a hellfire match, and to celebrate, the Pyro guys have extra road flares and sparklers. Yup, we're nearly breaking budget here. Enjoy.)
Welcome everyone! To Thursday! Something-or-Other!
Yeah, that's great, Shatner. We've got one HECK of a card lined up for you, and we have but one guy to thank...for opening his trap and pissing a lot of people off.
Wow...that made it past the Seven-Second Tape Delay Guys. They're slacking. Yes, Flash "the Mastermind" Flanagan is now involved in a Hellfire Match with a circle of thirteen, and we'll just see how much bad luck will go down tonight.
But first, for some strange reason Petey the Peanut Guy and Billy the Baker have booked some time at the beginning to say something.
Here they come now. Let's be quiet and listen.
So we're not supposed to make snarky comments?
Do YOU see the Tiger around because I sure don't.
Petey: Are you two done? We want to talk here.
Go ahead.
Billy: Thank you. Well as you all know, the Newbie Age Outlaws were part of the winning IceJam team, and may I first say those Ginsu knives really ARE better. Making our baked goods has never been easier. And those trips to the Ivory Tower's facilities are amazing. I can't TELL you what happens on floor 19, but wow!
Petey: And as you all well know, that also means we can get title shots at Executive discretion. Guess what? We GOT that discretion, and we got it for TONIGHT! Ambulance Jockeys, your free ride is over, it's time to work.
Mr. Planters: Mmmfffmss ffmmoosssfmmm mmffsssnn mmmfffrrooss, ssffrr.
Petey: Thank you, Mr. Planters. Well put. Garry, Barry, if you weren't aware, there's two words we'd like to say: BAKE OFF!
I don't get it. Is that supposed to be a catchphrase?
Let's hope not.
This contest is set. For one fall! Making their way. To the ring. They are the reigning. STWF/MBC Doppelcrown champions! Barry "the Backboard". Brown. Garry "the Gurney". Green. And Nurse Heidi and Necro Phil too. THE AMBULANCE JOCKEYS! (Why are these cue cards smaller than regulation size? Work with me here, people.)
(The ER theme plays. Chet puts up a picture of Tom Baker with the huge scarf on the Mostron for some reason. The Jockeys come out with the belts, Nurse Heidi with a chocolate bunny, and Necro Phil with a bionic implant and a cardboard box.)
That's one of the longest intros we've seen in a while.
I didn't notice. What time is it?
***bell rings.
A great way to start off a show that won't get much ratings. They HAD to put Bob Guccione on Biography TONIGHT of all days, didn't they?! Petey and Garry lock up. Garry slaps on a half nelson. Petey switches it up and there's a hammerlock by the Roasted Peanut. Petey with a dropkick, Garry ducks it and a BIG clothesline. He covers: 1...2...kickout.
This is shaping up to be a big match. But what about that main event?
There's a main event? Oh, yeah, hellfire. Petey looks to be going for a reverse DDT. No, reversal by Garry and he's in the same position now...reversal of the reversal, and Garry goes down HARD with a big Sl...Scor...reverse DDT.
Good thing you remembered. The Baker is tagged in.
Billy enters the ring with rolling pin swinging. The ref is admonishing him in the corner. Double-team tactics employed by the Jockeys while they can. Petey the Peanut Guy is being strangled with the tag rope.
Crowd: BOO!
Barry: Oh, boo yourself.
Crowd: SHUT THE HELL UP, BARRY!
Whoa-hoa-hoa! Barry looks stunned! He wasn't expecting that, despite the fact he should have. Barry is tagged in now. The ref turns around and sees everything's alright.
Wait a minute, how did the Ambulance Jockeys deposit Petey in his own corner? How did they get Petey in the first place?
This is no time for logic; the belts are on the line! Billy laying a minor beating to the Backboard. Necro Phil is at ringside abusing Mr. Planters. I think he wants to show him what's in that box marked "Helena". But NO! Mr. Planters is levelled with that bionic piece. What a lecherous coroner needs with that I don't know.
Does he still have Ebola?
He wouldn't look much different if he did. He reminds me of the Creepy Timekeeper in many ways.
Eeeeeeeeh. Did someone call me?
No.
Barry Brown just slapped the taste right out of the Baker's mouth! Billy looks more than a little cheesed. There's a right! A left! Another left! And now he starts punching the guy.
Watch those closed fists now. Nurse Heidi is up on the apron trying to distract Billy the Baker. She's got a layout of her spread! Or is that a spread of her layout?
It's about time they let me tell you that this program is now rated TV-14 because we're prudish S.O.B.s.
Billy looks mildly interested. Barry is handed that chocolate "Nurse Heidi" figure. The tag is made. Garry holds Billy's arms and Barry winds up with that chocolate bunny...
You've got to be kidding!
Oh no! Billy just moved out of the way and Garry hit his own partner.
What a turn of events! Spontaneity like this only comes in the STWF, folks.
My sarcasm meter is reading a 9.
You borrowed that thing from MCW?
Hey, they're not using it. Billy makes the cover; why bother with an Eggbeater now? 1...2...no! Kickout! Okay, NOW try an Eggbeater.
Barry taps out, we have new champions!
Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners, and NEEEEEEEW STWF/MBC Doppelcrown champions, BILLY THE BAKER AND PETEY THE PEANUT GUY!
I see he's refusing to call them the "Newbie Age Outlaws" too.
Why's that?
Well....when you're a champion, you're not exactly a newbie anymore, are you? Unless...
Crowd: OUTLAWS SUCK! OUTLAWS SUCK!
Yup, the crowd's turning on them, just like they do anyone who gets a belt too quickly.
That chant sounds piped in.
Really? Okay, if you say so. Still, you have to wonder WHAT Spontaneous Human Combustion have to say about this swerve. They just lost a title shot, and the belts may not be defended, unless of course the...Roasted Peanut and the Baked Behind will fight twice. Still, there are some free teams out there. How about the Rogue's Homeboyz? How about the Reno Brothers? The Sisters of the Joint Rosary? The Aboriginals, even?
Is that the best we can do? Really makes you want Milwaukee's Best or Nik at Nyte to come back, doesn't it?
No, not really. BUT THAT HAS TO WAIT, because we've got another match lined up, and oh daddy is it a doozy!
What, this double-debut match here? How is that a doozy? A snoozy, perhaps...
Please, Cap, sell the card, just once? You'll see relative newcomers, and frankly, unknowns, Percy the Peg-Leg Pirate as he takes on the Mexican wonder, Pañales!
The stereotypes are back, and boy are they...pissed off? Hey, we CAN get away with it!
Let me try. Well, the Rogue's Gallery's tactics to get Sergeant Genocide the title shot really <-BLEEP->ed me...hey, wait! This isn't fair! Oh well, I still make 50% more than you do, Cap.
This contest is set for ONE fall. First, making his STWF debut, from the great country of Mexico, he's a Mexican guy...uh... I sure wish I could get my cards, I left them at my seat. Sorry about this. Pañales!
(Vic the Sound Guy sees a luchador comig to the ring and instinctively plays the Mexican Hat Dance. If you don't understand, read the early cards back when Mexico Unlimited ruled the roost.)
And his opponent, also making his STWF debut, he's the ruler of the high seas, and hey look, he's only got one leg! Uh...yeah, that should do. PERCY THE PEG-LEG PIRATE!
Voiceover: Yarrrrr.
(A really bad rendition of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat", as if sung by a bunch of scurvy-ridden scoundrels, plays. Percy hobbles to the ring.)
***bell rings.
Well this should be interesting. A high-flyer versus someone who can barely walk properly. Do you know how he lost his leg, Cap? Some high seas adventure, perhaps?
Announcer Lad was telling me he needed his leg amputated after suffering terrible burns from McDonald's coffee.
Well, as long as it wasn't a stupid reason. Percy and Pañales in a collar-elbow tie-up. Our Mexican friend takes the advantage first with an armdrag takedown - typical. Just typical. Guillotine legdrop by Pañales. And how long I wonder, before we drop the tilde from sheer exhaust?
Soon I hope, my tongue isn't as nimble as it was in my formative years.
Percy the Pirate tries a kick. The leg is grabbed. Percy hops twice, and there's an enzuigiri with the peg-leg! Too bad it was short, it only got Pañales across the shoulder blades. Still, it IS wood so it will do some damage. Percy to the second rope. Flying leg drop! That's gotta hurt. He covers: 1...2...no. Panales picks up Percy and vertical suplex from here to the other side of the mat.
So you can't pull off the tilde now.
Yeah, it's sure tiring. Okay, gutwrench suplex now applied by Peg-Leg...Percée.
Oh please no.
Yeah, that IS kinda stupid. You'd think somebody named the Professor had more sense than that.
(Cut to shot of Russell Johnson in the audience. Cut to the booth and the announcers looking at each other out of the corners of their eyes in fear.)
(If you don't get it look at the archives, or ask a veteran about the Ratings Flock.)
Percy with a side suplex. He covers: 1...2...no. Pañales with a dragonscrew legwhip. He jumps on the rope...Asai Moonsault! The cover: 1...2...sorry, so close. Percy bounces off the ropes, and once again, spinning back kick with the pegleg, and I think the Mexican guy is down for the count.
***bell rings.
What the heck?
Ladies and gentlemen, the time limit on this match has expired, therefore this match is a DRAW!
There's five minutes left in this match! But I'm not about to question the Creepy Timekeeper if it means I have to get within breathing distance of him.
I'll agree with you there.
Pañales and Percy walk off in disappointment, but don't worry, something tells me they'll do just fine.
Is that something the producer speaking into your headset?
Yes.
I think it's time for a commercial.
Join us right after Thursday Something-or-Other as we debut a new series: Tales From the Creepy Timekeeper. We had to give him something, he just wouldn't leave us the hell alone! Here's Creepy T. to tell you about it in his own words.
My new show is great! Eeeeeh. It's two stories every episode. All about stuff that I like, and I think you will too. Ooooh. On the debut, you'll see "the time I found a Zagnut wrapper on the sidewalk, and it still had chocolate stuck to it" and "fun with a glory hole and a cigarette lighter"! Eeeeeh. Great viewing after a boring Thursday, wouldn't you think? Now go away, I have to find my sailor suit.
Tales From the Creepy Timekeeper. Do you have the stomach for it?
Hi. I'm Flash "the Mastermind" Flanagan. Being a Mastermind takes practice. Well, sure, genetics comes into it, I won't deny that, but when you hang around cartoon characters as a job things can slip. That's why I keep my grey cells in shape with Albatross Brothers Games. Check out "Mastermind 2000". That first Mastermind was simple, right? It's a five-line computer algorithm. Well, just WAIT till you try this one. Now if only I can find the Pencil-Necked Geek. Maybe he'll provide an adequate challenge. That's the Albatross Brothers Gaming Corporation. Not just fringe games anymore!
Flash Flanagan is getting commercials now? He's more popular than I imagined.
He's becoming a hot commodity to be sure. Well our next match is going to be a fun experience. Tyrone Mayhem, BILL and Ricky "DOOM" Johnson! Yay.
(Blows a layer of dust off the cards) Well, if you guys say so. Introducing first, from Parts Untold, weighing 200 lbs., former ICCTINACBBIC champion of the Inner Circle, Tyrone Mayhem!
(The lights go to a deep blue. Tyrone enters to "Regulate" and starts flicking around his retractable crobar.)
That gimmick REALLY has to go.
Could be worse. They could put "martial artist" in his intro montage.
This is true.
Next, from Jackson, TN, weighing 250 lbs., the third-ever STWF Heavyweight Champion, the man to topple the great El Spheros, in his singles comeback match, he is...RICKY "DOOM" JOHNSON! And his lovely wife Minerva.
("Freak on a Leash" by Korn plays. Shame I don't know how to get the backwards R for that one. Pop from some of the older fans, crickets chirping from the rest. Ricky takes off his "Ricky Johnson - not just another Dick" T-shirt and gives it to a small fan to increase his pop.)
I'll give him this; he's trying.
Yeah. And then, the man from Springfield, Illinois, weighing 244 lbs., the man whose injuries will make any Butcher cringe and anyone in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico shrivel in admiration, he...is...BILL!
Voiceover: Don't try this at home, kids.
(The 1812 Overture plays. BILL comes out, a living testament to taking bad bumps. A legend, a hero, a constantly-injured schmoe.)
***bell rings.
This is a one-pin-done match. Why waste any more time than we need to? Tyrone Mayhem starts matters. He knocks Johnson's and BILL's heads together like Moe!
How come nobody makes Shemp references? Now THERE was a stooge you could be proud of.
Tyrone Mayhem tries a hit on Ricky. Ricky blocks and hits BILL, who never saw it coming. BILL is holding his face in anguish and drumming his heels on the floor. Tyrone Mayhem with a neckbreaker on Johnson. He covers: 1...2...BILL interferes. Johnson bounces off the ropes, spinwheel kick grazes off Mayhem's shoulder.
Should have called the shot better.
What? Called what? What ARE you blathering about, Cap? BILL headbutts DOOM and I think he received more damage than he gave out there, wouldn't you say?
I would say. I would also like to point out that there's a main event tonight. You'll see ALL the stars come out to shine and see if they can't take Flash down the peg he climbed.
Oh, you and your main event nonsense. This is the STWF, there is no such thing as a...what's that? Oh. Okay, you're the boss - This is the STWF, where EVERY match is a main event!
Oh LORD.
DOOM has a chair in the ring! He's swinging on BILL...
(Extended crowd shot. A female midget is discussing the pros and cons of each stable with a disinterested-looking Violent Vinnie Mansbridge.)
Is that guy STILL here? BILL is down. Ricky covers: 1...2...Tyrone with a big boot to the back of DOOM's head to stop the count.
It makes no sense! BILL's shoulders were still down.
Well tough. That's just the way it goes. Mayhem throws BILL out of the ring. BILL jams his neck on the guardrail on the way down! He's right by the audience now. I think he's done for the day.
Female midget: So, I think the Tri-Lambda group is the most underrated group right now, but the Asylum really shouldn't be overlooked. What do you think?
Vinnie Mansbridge: I'll gladly take a few bumps if we can switch spots.
BILL: *groan*
Tyrone Mayhem with a roundhouse right. He executes a Samoan drop on Johnson now. 1...2...shoulder up. Tyrone Mayhem bounces off the ropes and...Minerva just tripped Mayhem! And Ricky Johnson is supposed to be a face?
Whoops, I pencilled that in beforehand - I just wanted Minerva to get SOME screen time. I forgot he was a face.
Sigh. Johnson executes the Ricky-plex.
Looks a lot like the DOOM-plex if you ask me.
Mayhem's shoulders aren't touching the mat, but the ref doesn't seem to care: 1....2....3. Well, DOOM it appears is now an ICCTINACBBIC contender, despite his once glorious highs as Heavyweight champ.
You can't expect to get a belt after taking a lot of time off...unless your first name is Terry.
No, I suppose not. And now, people, it's time for the Hellfire match!
(Hooray)
The competitors list may have undergone a slight variation - Der Kommissaar sent a memo, citing a "broken telephone effect" for the changes in the line-up. I think he's just too lazy to ask Flash who signed up.
Don't badmouth Der Kommissaar, he does a good job.
You're not a Hubcapper, Cap, quit sucking up. I expect that from Jamal, but not you. Here's the list as given me.
Bohemoth, Homicidal Hank,
Irving Goldstein, Jeffrey Steingold, Mittens, Arnold,
The Mad Cow, Lenny "the Force" Baxter,
The Head Trauma Boys,
Petey the Peanut Guy,
and douja. And of course, Flash "the Mastermind" Flanagan.
And there IS the stipulation that should the Mastermind pin any champion, he will receive that belt, but if anyone else pins a champion the titles do not change hands. I certainly think that's fair.
Strange words, Captain. Does this mean that if Flash Flanagan pins, say, Petey the Peanut Guy, that he along with Billy the Baker will become the Doppelcrown champs?
Sure, why not?
Okay...this is gonna be wacky. Here comes Flash now.
(A midi file of "Purple Haze" plays as Flash enters. He's getting a mixed reaction but still seems miffed at the boos. A loud "ding" is heard and the faint sounds of Vic cursing Microsoft follow.)
The Mastermind: Things are finally looking up for me. I've got my respect from the Ivory Tower, I've got chances to become a champion, and I even have a T-shirt. But only half the fans are cheering me! Don't you like me? LIKE ME PLEASE!
(Mixed reaction)
The Mastermind: What's it going to take, huh? Patriotism? (mixed reaction) Joining a stable like the Hubcap Gang? (cheers) Hold on, let me write this down. How about orchestrating a brilliant event like this?
He needs a hint about these fans. Hold on a sec.
(Captain Twilight leaves the booth and whispers something in Flash's ear.)
The Mastermind: Really? And that's it? STWF FANS ARE THE BEST ANYWHERE! (mixed reaction)
I could have sworn that would work. Wait - here's a good one. (whispers)
The Mastermind: (nonchalantly) You know, I respect Luke Warm.
(The crowd erupts into cheers. Flash soaks it in and tosses his "I'm Not a Heel, Damn It!" T-shirt into the audience. Crowd members start fighting over it. Flanagan beams.)
Flanagan: Thanks, Cap. Now guys, get out here, and let's make some magic!
(About eleven songs play at once. The Hellfire competitors all march out in a cluster to the hideous cacophony. The crowd is cheering and booing, depending on the person at whom they are pointing.)
***bell rings.
Homicidal Hank, Petey the Peanut Guy and the Lone Wolf Blintzer are all in the ring and all have belts. Flash could be an Intergalactic Champion, and instantly gain the wrath of the whole Gallery! If that doesn't seal his fate as a good guy, nothing will.
'Cept joinin' the Hubcappas.
How long have you been sitting there, Jamal?
Long enough. Just doin' some scoutin'.
Scouting who?
I ain't tellin'.
Flatline and Coma travel to opposite corners of the ring for some flying splashes. With all these guys around, they're bound to hit SOMEONE.
They did. Each other.
Mid-air collision by the Head Trauma Boys. The Mad Cow is hit on their way down! Lenny Baxter quickly removes the Mad Cow from the scuffle and arranges the HTBs in a "double-pin" position. The ref counts: 1...2...4...19...q...3!
Aw, he could have counted to 50.
The real ref is replacing Bobby Jack Yeldud now. Bohemoth and Mittens are really cleaning house here. Bodies are being squashed under their collective might. The Mad Cow and Petey the Peanut Guy are beating each other's brains out. Hank has his Electrolux and he clobbers Irving Goldstein with it! Irving was busy with douja at the time. Hank covers: 1...2...3! And one more is gone, we're down to 10. Mittens didn't like the treatment of his friend. He gives Homicidal Hank a chokeslam! Look at the height on that! Bohemoth interfering on Hank's behalf. Big headbutt with his miner's helmet. Lowblow with the white cane. SMASHER! Oh, Bohemoth is back with a vengeance. Hank assists with the cover: 1...2...3, and Mittens is the next member of Grampa's Old Boys to go. Petey the Peanut Guy has a Petey Puck(TM) and he's using it to load his fist. The Mad Cow takes it right in the jaw. The Mad Cow has just been coldcocked! Dirty tactics by the Roasted Peanut, no wonder he's a champ. The cover by Petey: 1...2...the Mad Cow rolls him up! He was playing possum. 1-2-3. There goes one champ and a chance for Flash.
What's Flash doing, anyway? He's just sitting in the corner and smirking. I think he's been watching too many archives from the days of the Square.
It's a device used effectively by the Square. It's a thing a Mastermind would do, isn't it? douja now, he's on Lenny Baxter like a bad rash. He goes for the Chronic Neck Pain! 1...2...kickout. Hank with a Homicidal Hammer on the same Baxter!
Can't he use his Magical Tattoos of Magic and Stuff(TM)?
Would that be his Batman logo or his Dunkaroos sticker? Hank covers Lenny Baxter: 1...2...3. Bohemoth just notices Hank and goes after him. Big Bronco Buster by the Coal Miner. Flash gets up and looks disgusted. Irish whip by Flash sends Bohemoth barrelling into the fray. The other competitors fly like bowling pins! The Mad Cow takes another hit in the head. Steingold takes the advantage: 1...2...3. Barnyard Force Five is no longer a factor here.
Our remaining competitors: Bohemoth, Homicidal Hank, douja, Arnold, Jeffrey Steingold, and the Mastermind. douja, the sole Gallery-ite, is now taking a tremendous pounding from Arnold, who I believe is now Walter judging from the trademark snap and his yell of "WALTER LIVES!"
Very perceptive, Captain. Walter with a powerbomb on douja! douja may be doing well in the STWF, but without Gallery backup he's just plain screwed against bigger men. 1...2...3.
Gallery's outie, iss all good.
And then there were five. Homicidal Hank goes to swing with the vacuum cleaner against Walter. Walter just made a dive towards Flash, and Hank hits Bohemoth in the process! Hank and Bohemoth in a scuffle now.
With those two at each other's throats, things just got a lot more interesting.
The Mastermind catches Walter in mid-dive, and battering-rams Jeffrey Steingold with him! But what a slow dive Walter made, and did you notice how Flash seemed ready to catch him? Walter is deposited in the corner and makes a cover on the Lone Wolf Blintzer. The ref counts: 1....2.....3! Flash...just...
Yes, I understand the repercussions here.
He...I...oh man!
Yes, Flash is a champ now.
But the match isn't over.
Titles can't change hands if anyone else makes a pin.
But...Flash...I...OH DID YOU SEE THAT MANEUVER BY BOHEMOTH! Hank is down from his own vacuum cleaner. Legdrop with the Electrolux draped across Hank's face! 1...2...3. Walter and Flash going against Bohemoth now. Double-team efforts happening. Bohemoth fighting to win this. Flash seems apathetic now considering his new-found fortune. Bohemoth piledrives Walter to kingdom come! 1...2...3. Only two men remain.
How do you think our ratings are doing?
What I want to know is, what happened with Flanagan and the members of Grampa's Old Boys? HUH?
Hey, don't axe me, I'm ignint.
As long as you admit it. Flanagan with a chinlock. Bohemoth falls back and crushes the Mastermind. Bohemoth is going for another SMASHER! Can he pull it off?
So close, but Flash rolled out just in time. He makes a cover: 1...2...Bohemoth with a shoulder up. Bohemoth glares at Flanagan with his one eye. He's going for a chokeslam....Flanagan just shrugs and sells it for all it's worth! Bohemoth hooks the leg, like it would matter. 1...2...3. The Hellfire match is done.
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner...BOHEMOTH!
Also, the NEEEEEEEW STWF Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close" belt champion, FLASH "THE MASTERMIND" FLANAGAN! (cheers)
Oh, I can't wait to see what happens after today. New Doppelcrown champs, a new ICCTINACBBIC champ...
Flash is taking off his other shirt.
He already removed that "I'm Not a Heel, Damn it!" T-shirt. I was wondering why he had a second one underneath. The Cowpie Palace doesn't have much heat that's true, but...
Oh. What a strange turn. It's a GOB T-shirt. How interesting...
You knew about this all along, didn't you, Cap?
The Mastermind: Of course he did, McMadden! It's not difficult to piece together. The ICCTINACBBIC belt is in my hands - and Grampa's Old Boys hands. And at SUPERCARD IV, I face Arnold. The belt stays with us. We're locking it up, and nobody's going to stop us. Why do you think I added those stips, and why Jeffrey Steingold was in this match, McMadden?
He's Grampa's Old Boys? Aw MAN this messes EVERYTHING up!
There's StreetMime from the rafters! He's got an imaginary bat and a Hubcap Gang T-shirt!
Yo mime-boy! F'get it, he spoken fo'.
StreetMime: ":-O"
(tugs twice on his rappelling belt. He's yanked up with a jerk and makes a choked face as he ascends.)
The Mastermind: Wait! That's not entirely true. Let's talk. Jamal, do your convincing on the way back to the locker room. I'm never one to ignore business proposals.
(Flash and Jamal walk back. Jamal is making animated hand gestures.)
I KNEW we should have given him the dental plan. I KNEW it!
Well, on behalf of Captain Twilight, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, join us next next week for Thursday Something-or-Other. Or something.
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre