Check THIS logo! Ugh...gonna be a long night.
Aye, its another bloody Thursday Something or Other, and we've got yet
another bloody card for yah. It's me, Angus "Vince" McMadden, and joining
me tonight is none other than the self-proclaimed Fattest Man in Wrestling
Today, you all know him as Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando.
Hey there everyone. BRAAAP.
Lets see, tonight we've got the big debut of Toilet Duck, as he takes on the sexy Sister Muffy. Also we've got the "Force", Lenny Baxter, as he attempts to make the head of Dr. Snare explode. Then Mad Cow will try to force Billy the Baker eat his own co
Oh yuck...even I think twice about eating that crap...but I ate that cake with the secret sauce anyway.
Finally we've got the Ambulance Jockeys here tonight as they take on
the....wait a second here...the Head Trauma Boys. What is this, they get a title shot already?
Hmm, I smell something funny here. Where is the Rogue tonight?
I have no idea, but I do have a feeling that something funny is going to
go on here tonight, there's that electric feeling of multiple screwjobs in the air. Lets go with our first match of the evening.
Introducing first from some Las Vegas, Nevada, she
is one half of the Sisters of the Joint Rosary...she is... Sister
Muffy! (she comes down to a huge crowd pop, looking pretty fine if
masculine, especially for a nun. Masculine that is. She's got a black tube top and bicycle shorts for some reason.)
Now, making his big debut in the STWF, Toilet Duck. (Some quacks, etc.,
and "One White Duck" by Jethro Tull plays. He comes in to
mixed rumbles, but he doesn't look like a duck, he looks like a man wrestler about to take on a woman wrestler. No win situation.)
Here we go, Toilet Duck locks up with Sister Muffy. The Duck wanted some weird Toilet match, but hey, our budget is limited to heat and electricity, save those things for a PPV or Mondays. Muffy wraps up the duck in a...wing bar. Ha get it?
Oh you're a freaking riot tonight Vince, but I
think that's pretty funny, the Duck just leveled the Nun with an elbow to her pretty head. Would God strike me dead if I said she is one hot babe?
We can only hope. Duck with an elbow drop to Muffy's head, now with the
cover. 1...2..., kickout by the nun. The two are up exchanging blows,
the Duck goes down. Now Muffy is going up to the top rope split-leg
moonsault across the Duck's head. Impressive! Now she
goes for the cover. 1...2..., and a kickout by the Duck.
Man, this chick is strong, she just whipped the
Duck into the ropes, and leveled him with a huge shoulder-block. I wish I was in there, I'd lay down for that nun any day of the week, I'm actually thinking about converting.
Careful, gluttony is a sin in that religion.
It was a passing fancy. BRAAAAAP!
Sister Muffy is showing some kind of
sadistic streak in there, I thought that would be impossible, but it's
happening right here. Low blow, and now she adds insult to injury with a huge atomic drop. Now Toilet Duck with the amazing recovery, rake to the nun's eyes, and now he gives her a low blow. The nun goes down in obvious pain. Toilet Duck with the cove
1...2...no! Wait! Reversal into a small package: 1.2.3!
Wow, what does this mean?
I don't think I want to know. Lets see what Announcer Lad has to say about this result.
The winner of this match, a Girl, maybe,
OK strange result number one on the night, lets see what happens when the
"Force" takes on the Docta.
Introducing, from Kitchener, Ontario, weighing in at 190 lbs., it's Lenny "the Force" Baxter. ( big crowd pop for the guy who can make people's heads explode just by looking at them, red necks will believe anything, just look
at the Stunner.)
Now, weighing in at 275 lbs., he's the Doctor who's not a Dr., from Jackson Tennessee, it's Dr. Snare. ("Paranoid" by Black Sabbath plays, as the guy comes out in his trademark hockey mask and his Snare Slam vest.)
Let's see what the Doctor can do with this newcomer. Dr. Snare doesn't seem to be too concerned by Lenny's stare, if I was him I'd at least look a little worried.
Yeah, if his head exploded, that might just be kind of gross, disgusting even. Dr. Snare takes him down with a umm, double leg takedown or something. He's dragging that leg over to the ring post, looks like he's trying to pop that
knee out of the socket.
Baxter is screaming with the tremendous agony of having that leg take all that pressure, just a little bit more...but Dr. Snare gets bored, so he grabs a stray wire from ringside and starts strangling Baxter with it. The ref is warning him off, it seems
that is considered illegal.
Yup, and after a count of 4, 4 1/2, old Snare lets
him go. Both men in the ring, it looks like Baxter is kind of blue, but that doesn't stop him from giving Snare a couple of knife-edge chops, Snare goes down with an amplified thud.
My goodness, what's that coming out of the back, is that Rudolph here at last to give me all those presents that Santa missed when I was just a wee lad? Aww no such luck, it seems that Big Buck Johanson has decided to make an appearance, do you think he
'd like to commentate, Gary?
I ain't moving two inches. Looks like Buck has got different ideas. That's a pretty nice chair he's got in his hand, Snare and Baxter are pretty out of it now, so.....
Right over the head of Baxter, and he's juicing nicely. Here comes the Mad Cow to the rescue, but Buck and his antlers have taken off.
The winner of this one, as result of DQ, Lenny "the
Commercial, what commercials, we don't need no stinking commercials, let's
see how Billy the Baker does against the big cow in the ring.
Oh yes we do need commercials, boy. Or at least some promos.
THE RENO BROTHERS ARE COMING!
Do we have a roleplay set up? Chet? Hello? Hmmm...guess not. I guess
they'll have to roleplay on their own.
THE RENO BROTHERS ARE COMING!
What!! Girl Friday's in the ring, where, she stood me up last week!
Poor, lonely Gary. Here we go, Cow vs Satanic Baker, who will reign supreme in the new, hardcore STWF?
Ummm good, now I'm really hungry. Billy just pulled a T-bone out from under his apron. He's enticing the Mad Cow to eat it. The Cow is begging off, in fact he's tearing up, I don't believe it. Oh god no, he just slapped the meat
from Billy's hand, what a crime.
Looks like the Mad Cow is taking off, his weeping is rather pathetic. Maybe the t-bone belonged in a relative? Let put this one down for the record books folks.
The winner of a match that never started....Billy the
Baker, as result of making his opponent cry, poor baby.
Sniffle, Sniffle. That is just so unfair. When those guys were plann...I mean, when they were discussing.......they were supposed to toss the meat over here dammit. Argh, life just sucks.
OK while the Glutton composes himself, we'll get started on our final match of the evening.
Introducing first, from around the bend, and doesn't
have a clue, the Head Trauma Boys. (crowd laughs a bit as they see these
two refugees from a bus accident come stumbling down the walkway, they get to the ring and do the standing
on the turnbuckle thing, only to fall backward on their behinds.)
And now, they are your Doppelcrown Tag Team Champions of the World, Garry
the Gurney Greene, and Barry the Backboard Brown, the Ambulance Jockeys, with the Beautiful Nurse Heidi at their sides, whew, what a babe. (Major pop for these two, man are they over, oh wait, Heidi's not wearing a bra, ok now it all makes sense.)
Let's get this big championship match under way. Will we see these Head
Trauma Boys come out and upset this excellent EMT duo, or will the champions prevail, only time will tell.
Well I don't know much about tag team wrestling,
I've never been able to get over the ropes more that once a match, but I
do know what I like, and I do like those knockers at ringside, Dr.
Plants, my compliments to your fine hands, and boy, would I ever like to
have your hands.
I'll try to ignore the panting from my uh, color commentator. Garry
starts out with Flatline. Garry circling the slightly not there fellow,
while Flatline seems to be very interested in the scoreboard at the far
end of this place. Garry with the standing sidekick, and Flatline goes
down with a crash. That seems to wake him up, at least a little.
Flatline with a nice little Backheel trip, and now both men are flat on
Flatline has spent many an hour flat on his back,
and he's taking advantage now. He's got a hold of Garry's leg, and is
twisting it around like a piece of rubber, ouch, he's got those sticklike
legs too, I think we're gonna hear a snap.
I don't think so, because Garry just kicked away from those grubble little
fingers of Flatline's. He reaches over to Barry, and makes the tag. Both
men in the ring now, double teaming the helpless Flatline, who's calling
out to Coma for help, but Coma seems to be trying to get the attention of
Petey the Peanut Guy, who is working at ringside tonight. The ref coaxes
Garry back outside, and Barry goes to work on Flatline.
Flatline is calling for his mommy, he's got a boo
boo on his head, man, all these guys are pansies, I can't wait until
SUPERCARD IV when I get in the ring with one of these fools in this fed
and send 'em home crying. Can't take a little pain, what's the matter
with him anyway, you'd think he's gonna die in the ring or something.
Shhhhh, don't say the D word around these guys. They've both been
declared brain-dead a couple of times, their bodies don't know it yet,
but when you say the lights are on and nobody's home, in the Head Trauma
Boys case, it's true. Anyway, they work cheap, so lets just watch the
match for crying out loud. Hmmm, there's Colonel Khorne, I wonder if we
can get some popcorn from him? Lets see here, looks like Flatline is
still hanging in there, a couple of elbow drops on his head hasn't
worked, so lets see if Barry can't beat him by jumping on his head from
the top rope. Lateral Press on the seemingly comatose Flatline.
1...2..., oh rollup by Flatline, One....Two....Thr, and we have new
Oh wait, little ahead of things here, nope. Barry kicked out, imagine that.
Hey look at this, Petey the Peanut Guy and "Pops"
Khorne are having a little disagreement about who is working whose
section. Things are getting kind of heated over there, I wonder if
they'll forget about their food and have at it. I might just get my
belly filled yet.
Let's try to pay attention to what's going on in the ring. Flatline is
finally up, he turns his back on Barry and trys to make it to his corner
to tag Coma who's Finally woken up. Barry wraps those big arms around
him in a bear-hug, but Flatline stomps on his foot to make the clean
getaway. The tag is made and Coma easily clotheslines the hopping Barry
onto the mat. Now Coma on top of Barry, punching him repeatedly in the
face, and sticking those middle fingers up in the air. Looks like he's
taking a page out of Luke Warm's book.
I don't know, Vince, but I think we're gonna have
a brawl right behind us here, these two vendors are about to start
throwing food any minute, I think I'll go over and conduct an uh,
interview... that's it... an interview.
While Gary goes over and fills his guts, we'll try to stay awake, I mean
stay glued to the action of this amazing Tag Team battle. Now Barry has
made the recovery and tossed Coma into the corner, he manhandles Coma up
to the top turnbuckle, and Superplexes him into the middle. Barry goes
over to Garry and both men get up on opposite ends of the ring. Double
diving headbutts onto Coma's helpless head, this EMTs call that move the
Mass Casualty, and boy is it effective. Ref counts, 1..2..3, this one is
all over folks.
The winner of this match, and still Doppelcrown Tag
Team Champions, the Ambulance Jockeys.
Now, what in the world is going on behind me. Petey the Peanut Guy has
got Colonel Khorne in a headlock, and appears to be giving the old man an
umm, noogie. Oh, oh, it appears the the Rogue doesn't like this
treatment of his old pal, because he's sent out Sergeant Genocide to even
the odds a bit. Sergeant Genocide and "Pops" are beating the Peanut Guy
into the ground now. Mr. Planters comes out to try to help, but he just
gets knocked down onto his Giant Head.
Here comes Bohemoth out of the back with what appears to be the bumper
from an old Ford Galaxy. He whacks Sergeant Genocide over the head with
it, and the army man goes down with a thump. The mayhem is continuing,
hey where's Tyrone when you need him,
but we are way, way out of time. For Gary the Glutton, who's filling up
on forgotten peanuts and popcorn, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying,
please order In Your Face: IceJam, and join us for the following Thursday
Something-or-Other. Or something.
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo
Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre