Check the Logo!

Luke "Hoo" Warm, Dr. Snare, check out Très Sheik, he's got flair!
Gary Gourmando, what a cow! Look, here comes the Tiger now!
Petey is a Peanut Guy, Big Bohemoth's got one eye
Buck Johanson's mighty strong, Sister Muffy's in this song
douja's always smoking pot, Necro Phil says "Cold Is Hot!"
Hank's got the 19:50, Grampa's Old Boys, just too nifty!
Strap on your hardhats, there's gonna be a fight
It's Something or Other baby, outta si-yee-i-yee-ight!

(The Camera pans the crowd. A sign reading "IRONMAN vs. Executioner - Match of the (19th) Century" is seen.)
Hi, everybody, it's time once again for Thursday . . . Something or Other. Comments, Cap?
Show, show, show, here we GO!
Um, yeah. Up first we have Big Buck Johanson vs. Lenny "the Force" Baxter.
Making his way to the ring, from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, weighing in at 367 pounds, here is Big Buck Johanson! ("Eye in the Sky" by the Allan Parsons Project plays. A moderate pop for Johanson. I think someone's mixed the tapes around on Vic again. But that's okay, he does a good job.)
And his opponent, from Kitchener, Ontario, weighing 190 punds, here is Lenny "the Force" Baxter! ("Last Dance" by Donna Summer plays, a pretty good pop for Baxter)

***bell rings. Here we go. They lock up. Whip to the ropes by Baxter. Lariat! Elbowdrop. Another elbowdrop. Low blow by Johanson!
Aaaah, the great equalizer!
Johanson up. Rake to the eyes. Johanson gets him into an ab-stretch.
Baxter: Aaaah! You're stretching my abs!
I'm not sure how much of this he can take, Vince.
Low blow by Baxter to escape the stretch!
The great equalizer.
Oh, and there's another low blow by Johanson!
(Yawn) Equalizer.
Baxter answers with a low blow! And Johanson comes right back with a low blow! Oh, and there's a double low blow!
Jeez, get a room, boys! Who booked this match, Rich the gay bartender?
Beats me. The referee administering the mandatory ten-count on both men as they lie curled into the fetal position on the mat.
Forget this, they aren't going to beat the count.
(ding ding ding) The bout is ruled a draw as a result of neither man answering the ten-count.
Heh. What a way to start a TSO! And can you believe Announcer Lad had to make a bell sound himself? Why didn't the timekeeper do it?
Please don't ask; I'll have to look, and he genuinely frightens me.
Alright. We'll be right back.

(A voice trying REALLY hard to be Lord Alfred Hayes says:)
Promotional consideration paid for by the following:

Little Kid: "Where do babies come from, Daddy?"
Kid's Dad: "I'm not your Dad, you dumb mother<-BLEEP->."
Diversity at Tonea's - What the hell?

Now! From H-Tel records and tapes (because we can't afford to make CDs yet) It's "Vic's Nix Picks"! All the songs we've had to physically remove from Vic the Sound Guy's music library for the good of us all! Why is it an album with one of the biggest "cult followings" around? Because you get...
"416/905" by Maestro!
"Informer" by Snow!
"We Got it Goin' On" by the Backstreet Boys!
A Kenny G medley!
Something by Joey Lawrence!
"Candle in the Wind '98" by Elton John, because we KNOW you're sick of it by now!
"Too Hot" by Alanis back when she wasn't so damn ugly!
"Because We Want To" by Billie!
And TONS more crap! Order now, and get a special bonus track: Andrea Boccelli, Luciano Pavarotti and Céline Dion join the Prodigy singing "Smack my B*tch Up"! That's "Vic's Nix Picks" and it's exclusively from H-Tel records and tapes, buy now!

And we're back.
Oh, joy!
Do I detect a hint of sarcasm in your voice, Cap?
Nooooooooooooooooooo. Moop.
Settle yourself! Up next, we have Mittens vs. the Pencil Necked Giant Killer.
Mysterious offstage voice: You're only supposed to call him that AFTER he wins, moron.
Uh, let's get to the action. Announcer Lad, take it away.
Making his way down the aisle, from Computers Unknown, weighing in at 120 pounds (yes, he gained weight), here is THE PENCIL NECKED GEEK! ("Superfreak" by Rick James plays. A loud, but mixed reaction for the Geek)
And his opponent, weighing 452 pounds, accompanied by Grampa, from Portland, Oregon, here is MITTENS! ("Geronimo's Cadillac" by Modern Talking plays, a decent pop for the big guy)

And here we go.
I like Mittens in this one, he's got 300 pounds on the Geek!
Anyway, Mittens eyes the Geek. Geek asking for a test of strength?
Geek obviously has no interest in winning this match, Vince.
Mittens picks him up by his ears!
He's treating him like LBJ treats a beagle! (OK, Canadians, figure THAT one out!)

We get enough American references, you bombard us with them every day! We saw that stock footage.

Big shoulderbreaker by Mittens! Ouch!
This shouldn't take long.
Mittens: Duh, I can win whenever I want.
Well said Cap.
I didn't say that. Is my name "Mittens?"
Um. No?
(Captain Twilight throws a sardine to Vince, which McMadden catches in his mouth.)
(munch, munch) Mmmmm... Back to the action now. Mittens with a gorilla-press slam. Picks Geek up. And throws him into the third row of fans at ringside!
Look, Vince, they're throwing him back!
Indeed. Mittens with a powerbomb.
Grampa: Mittens can win this anytime he wants!
So pin him already!
Mittens going for one more powerbomb . . . Geek hangs on . . . rollup . . . ONE . . . TWO . . . kickout?
Kickout! Did you think Geek could win with a roll-up after getting beaten around the ring for five minutes?
Ye - NO! Of course not. Mittens back on offense. BIG PILEDRIVER!
I think the Geek just lost two inches.
Mittens with a cover . . . No, he decides against it. He's going up TOP!
Why? This is such an unnecessary risk!
Hey, unnecessary risks are what we're all about, Cap. Mittens climbing the turnbuckle . . . not the fastest climber I've ever seen.
The Geek is up!
Oh, Geek racks Mittens by knocking him off the turnbuckle!
Man, the collective testicles of the STWF are taking a beating tonight!

TV-14. Happy now?

Mittens falls off the turnbuckle. A cover by the Geek . . . One . . . Two . . . THREE!
What an UPSET!
What an UP - oh. Never mind. We'll be right back.

Next up, we have a squash match between The Violent Pacifist and Hector "Crude" Oil.
Hey! You just called this a squash match, genius!
A-HA! But, I didn't say who would be getting squashed.
Good point.
Coming to the ring at this time, from Anchorage, Alaska, representing the Rogue's Gallery, here is Hector "Crude" OIL! ("Rock the Casbah" by the Clash plays. A smattering of boos for the heel) And his opponent, from Seattle, representing the Three Guys, here is THE VIOLENT PACIFIST! ("Any Way You Want It" by Journey plays. Big pop for VP.)
And we're set to go here in this great matchup.
Quit selling it, Vince, they're watching already.
Hector with an eye poke right off the bat.
You can't trust anybody associated with that good-for-nothing Rogue.
I would have to agree with you there, Cap.
Oh, sorry. Hammerlock by Oil. Reversal by VP. Whip to the turnbuckle ... big splash by VP.
Kick to the gut by VP. Rocker Dropper!
Oil is in BIG trouble right here, Vincenzo!
Oh, but wait! A nip-up by Oil!
What's this all about?
Oil on the attack now! Hard fists to the midsection! He's going for a vertical suplex . . . got it!
What a comeback! Hey, I smell linament!
What? Anyway, Oil continues the assault. Whip to the ropes . . . swinging neckbreaker!
He needs to go for his finisher right now!
There it is, Oil's getting him in position for the Drunken Captain . . . wait a minute . . . reversal into a crucifix by VP!!! One... TWO ... THREEEEE!!!
What a match!
Whew! I need a breather! We'll be right back!

Latin looking guy: ¿Hola, chico, como esta?
Black guy: Muy bien, gracias.

Diversity at Tonea's - What the hell?

And we're back.
Those commercials give me headaches. Or maybe it's the voices. Whichever.
And now it's time for out TSO main event . . . or something.
i Making their way to the ring at this time, representing the Rogue's Gallery... The elite heels, the darkest forces in wrestling today save anyone in the OCSCW...they are...COLONEL "POPS" KHORNE, SERGEANT GENOCIDE, AND ICCTINACBBIC CHAMPION TRÈS SHEIK!
(The Rogue's Gallery theme plays. They dig out cross-country skis to get through the trash being thrown.)
And their opponents, representing the Hubcap Gang, the Right Hand Man's elite force of good, the men you'll cheer no matter how bad they act...they are...CLAUDE LEROUX, B.F. SACK AND NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION LUKE WARM!
("Proud Mary" by CCR, the Hubcap Gang theme song because of its references to a "Big Wheel", plays. The audience actually clears the trash out of the aisle for them.)

***bell rings.
Sack and Khorne to start things off. Sack eyeing the Colonel. The two men circling. Finally, they lock up. Sack with the advantage. Scoop slam!
Khorne can't fight this kind of match and expect to do well against Sack.
Sack playing to the crowd. Picks Khorne up. BIG dropkick. That looked ugly!
Nice work by B.F.'s Sack. Or something.
Hey, is this a theme show, or something? I guess it is. Big elbowdrop by Sack. He tags out to Leroux. Leroux continues the punishment. Spinning toehold applied by Claude.
Wow! I didn't know he was old-school!
Whatever. Khorne breaks the hold. Kidney punch by the Colonel! Man, these Gallery guys are dirty.
Brilliant observation.
As I was saying, Khorne with a reverse neckbreaker! Nice move. Pickup . . . INSIDE CRADLE BY LEROUX . . . ONE . . . TWO . . . THR - NO! So close. Leroux tags out to Luke Warm . . . and this crowd is going crazy!
You know, whenever DK books a card, one word in particular always makes an appearance. As a tribute to him I will now use that word - BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP.

That's not fair!, how the hell can I defend myself against that?

First of all, BRAAAAP isn't a word. Secondly, that's because DK likes for Gary to be on his shows. Oh - see what you made me do? Très Sheik has tagged in, and I missed it. And he's been busted open by Luke Warm somehow. Look, don't let our backstage heat spill over to the telecast, old man. Be a professional.
(plugging ears with his fingers) I can't hear you! I can't hear you!
(sigh) Back to the action. Luke appears to be in trouble. Drop toe-hold by the Sheik . . . off the ropes . . . Senton Splash! Sheik's quickness is giving Luke some problems.
Luke forced to tag out to Sack. Sheik is a bloody mess. Short-arm lariat by Sheik. A cover . . . One . . . Two . . . powerful kickout by Sack! Wow!
Sack is up now, and Sheik looks a little worried. Reverse knife-edge chop . . . AND SACK SHAKES IT OFF! Another chop . . . SACK SHAKING HIS HEAD AND WAVING HIS FINGER . . . HE'S SACKING UP!
That sounds pretty gay. That jerk is - (no audio)
I owe you one, Vic the Sound Guy.
(no audio)
Talk all you want Cap, they can't hear you. Sack picks up Sheik . . . he's looking around to the crowd to see what they want . . .
Crowd: Hit him, moron.
And Sack obliges!
(NO AUDIO!!!!)
You're right, Cap, here comes The Tiger! It looks like he has a few words for Sgt.Genocide. OK, Vic, give him his "voice" back, this is getting dumb.
You would think The Tiger would pick a better time to talk it out with Genocide than during this match. Why wouldn't he do it later, when we're off the air?
What a mark.
Anyway, Sack is holding Sheik high above his head, poised for a gorilla-press slam. BOOM! What a slam! Oh, here comes the SACKHAMMER! GOT IT!!!! A cover by Sack . . .
But the ref is standing between Genocide and The Tiger.
Oh, and here comes Khorne with the steel chair.
CRACK!!! A vicious chairshot by Khorne on Sack!!! Sheik falls on top of him . . . the referee back in . . . Leroux and Warm all over Khorne now . . . ONE . . . TWO . . . THREE!!!
Here are your winners . . . COL.KHORNE, TRÈS SHEIK, AND SGT.GENOCIDE!!!
Oh, and all hell has broken loose in the ring . . . Leroux is knocked out . . . BUT THERE'S A STONECUTTER FOR KHORNE!!! AND ANOTHER FOR SHEIK!!!
Sgt. Genocide seems to be offended by something The Tiger said!
The two mean tearing into each other in the aisle! Kick to the gut by The Tiger . . . TIGER DRIVER ON THE RAMP! Genocide may be out cold.
I don't like the looks of this.
The Tiger making his way to the ring, now. He climbs in, and stares Luke Warm down . . . and Warm tosses his a bottle of Luke-Hoo! And opens up one for himself!
Hey, we're desperately out of time . . . or something.
That's my line!
Testic - (no audio)
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre