TSO : The Legacy

(The opening credits roll for TSO. Pyro flares and the camera spots some signs. “I got (blurred) slapped by Da Sassy One,” “Check Out the Package (Arrow Pointing Down),” “Lukemia iz Runnin’ Wilde,” and “DOKE THIS” are shown.)
Hello again, everyone, and welcome to what will be the most talked- about TSO in history. Alongside me tonight is Captain Twilight.
What a show we have this evening!
I was getting to that. Tonight, The Head Trauma Boys take on Czech Plees, Stock Boy Mike Coates battles Broadway Musical Man, and Lenny “F’n” Dykstra will defend his Old Japan Pro Wrestling Junior-Heavyweight belt against Da Sassy One. In addition to this action packed undercard, we will have for you the long awaited match between the bitter rivals Neige Thirteen and the Tiger!
I’ll be honest with you, McMadden - I don’t take pride in my work, I usually phone in my efforts on these shows, and I almost always fake whatever enthusiasm I’m displaying . . . but even I’M excited about tonight’s main event!
As am I. But first, it’s time for our opening bout of the evening.
THIS contest is SCHEDULED for one FALL. Making their way DOWN the AISLE, with a TOTAL comBINED WEIGHT of 431 lbs., Jan and Bretislav Plee...CZECH PLEES!
("The Plzener Polka" by Franz Plee and Walter Ostanek plays and Jan and Bretislav enter with their Czech Republic flag.)
And their opponents, weighing in at 502 lbs...the Breakdance Inferno and DJ Uhhh...THE HEAD TRAUMA BOYS!
ONETWOTHREEFOUR
(The Ramones medley starts a-playin' as the HTBs come a-stumblin' down the aisle)
Jan and The Breakdance Inferno to start things off. Collar and elbow tie-up. Irish whip by Jan. . . drop toe-hold. You know, the Breakdance Inferno looks a lot like Coma.
Yeah. Nice observation. Sleeper applied by Jan . . . Inferno reverses into a shoulder toss! Inferno on the offensive now with an elbowdrop . . . and another . . . and a leg drop . . . covers - one . . . TWO . . . shoulder up.
So close. Wake me when the main event starts.
The Breakdance Inferno tags in DJ Uhhh. DJ Uhhh continues the assault. Discus punch! Setting him up . . . piledriver! Covers . . . one . . . TWO . . . kickout. Tag is made back to Coma . . .
COMA / BREAKDANCE INFERNO: Poink!
Looks like they’re going for the Severe Tire Damage . . . Jan in the prone position . . . DJ Uhhh prepares to superplex Coma on to Jan . . . GOT IT! Bretislav’s can only stand idly by as Coma gets the pin!
What do you mean? Bretislav could’ve broken up the cover!
I guess it’s little things like that that separate the great tag teams from the woefully inept. Here are your winners - THE HEAD TRAUMA BOYS!
On of the few tag teams in wrestling today who don’t spell “Boys” with a Z. Zoys?
We’ll be right back.
(The camera fades in to a homeless bum with a beard) HOMELESS BUM: Hallo, I am former stand-up comik laygend Smackoff Yirnov. I would like to entertain for you at your nayxt party. Work has been slow dese past few years, but I am steel at de top of my game.
(Stops a passerby)
HOMELESS BUM: You have powdered milk and the baby powder! What a country! Goad blace Amerika!
PASSERBY: Water ya tackin’ a-boot, eh? This is Canada!
(Passerby pummels the bum as a number flashes across the screen and the camera fades-out)
MCMADDEN: And we’re back. Next up, we have a squa - er - debut match, as Stockboy Mike Coates takes on Broadway Musical Man!
Keep it down, I’m trying to catch 40 winks . . . just like my unit did in the Korean War!
I hope for your sake nobody got that.
This'n here contest be scheduled for one fall. Entering first, from your local Ackerly drug store, "The Stock Boy" Mike Coates!
*ding dong* Clean -up in aisle YOU...
(Really bad drugstore muzak plays as Mike Coates comes to the ring, glad to get the day off from his other job)
And his opponent, accompanied by Annie, from New York City, here is Broadway Musical Man!
(BMM enters in his top hat and cane. Annie is looking particularly skanky for a 16-year-old.)
Broadway Musical Man seems to have an extra spring in his step tonight.
Well, the Tonys were last week, so he’s probably still jacked up.
Ah, yes. Broadway calling for the test of strength right away . . . and faithful to his jobber heritage, he loses miserably.
They pay him to sing and dance, not wrestle!
Wait! We ARE they. And, yes, we do!
I uh, uh. I, uh. What?
Reverse knife-edge chops by Coates. Whip to the corner. Handspring to back elbow smash!
Hmmm . . . some impressive work by the youngster. Maybe I’ll come out retirement and be a crooked heel manager that will take the Stockboy under my wing and lead him to the top . . . or not.
Back to the action. All Stockboy here. Russian leg sweep. Jumping elbowdrop. And another. The Musical Man not putting up much of a fight.
He wrestles like a man who isn’t paid by the hour . . . and KNOWS IT!!!
Looks like Coates is setting him up for his finisher . . . there it is! A reverse DDT he likes to call the “Price Check.” One, two, three.
Here is your winner, STOCKBOY MIKE COATES!
Well, he’s undefeated. I hope he’s happy.
Moving right along, it’s time for the OJPWJH title bout as Lenny “F’n” Dykstra takes on Da Sassy One.
This contest is for the Old Japan Pro Wrestling Junior Heavyweight belt (non-fictional*) and is set for one fall. Entering first, the challenger, from Sassyville, Wisconsin, weighing 228 lbs., Da Sassy One!
("Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Strauss plays as Da Sassy One enters all in pink. The fans, who were immediately on their feet thinking DK had pulled the coup of a lifetime, slump back in their chairs once they see who it is - and more importantly, who it's not.)
And the champion, from the Lower Lower Deck, with pink hair to match his opponent's wardrobe, Lenny "F'n" Dykstra!
("We Will Rock You" by Queen plays as Lenny runs to the ring and rolls under the bottom rope.)
 I like Da Sassy One here, Angus. Vince. Whatever the hell you want us to call you.
Well, we know YOU like to be called “Linda,” right, Cap?
Ix-NAY on the Inda-LAY!
OJPWJH Title on the line here. Punches from both men to start. Now Dykstra takes control with a wristlock . . . reversal by Da Sassy One into a snapmare. The Sassy One plays to the crowd. His antics are met with boos.
He is one sassy b<-BLEEP->ch!
I think the crowd agrees. Pickup by Sassy . . .No! Eye poke by Dykstra! Whip to the ropes by Lenny . . . swinging neckbreaker! Cover by Dykstra only gets a short two. Body blow by Sassy One . . .
That doesn’t sound good.
Keep it out of the gutter, Cap. Da Sassy One has regained his momentum. Full nelson applied by DSO. Dykstra reverses and then whips DSO into the corner. He puts him on the turnbuckle. Going for a superplex . . . but Da Sassy One will have none of it! Shots to the gut . . . SUNSET FLIP FROM THE TURNBUCKLE . . . ONE . . . TWO . . . THREE!!!!
Here is your winner and NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW OJPW Junior- heavyweight World Champion . . . DA SASSY ONE!!!
I just have two questions: First, where did he learn to do that move and second, how can that guy NOT be gay?
We’ll be right back!
VOICE OVER OF LORD A.L.F. HAYES, THE ENGLISH ALIEN ARISTOCRAT: Promotional consideration paid for by the following:
(Jingle that sounds like it came out of the 20s)
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Are we back? We are? Okay! Next up, we'll see two matches featuring some newcomers here...first up is Herb Romaine vs. Woodstock, followed by Salminio "the Salesman" Smith vs. MonkeyBoy. Herb has been itching to get at Neige Thirteen (or maybe he's just itching from all that wool), but beating Woodstock will sure send a message.
Do we have time for this before the main event? I hear that one's planned to be long and mat-classic-esque.
Oh crap...well this is all pre-taped anyway. Chet? Can we do this in a fast-forward style?
He's giving us the thumbs-up. Chet being co-operative...you know this is gonna be a Thursday for the record books, folks!
ContestonefallfirstWoodstock!
(Just read the bios. Mild booing)NextfromEndiveNDweighs235lbsHERBROMAINE!(he runs to the ring like it was a Keystone Kops movie, "Born Free" is played twice as fast and an octave higher)
Herbwithalotofpunches Woodstockretreatingtobuckle Herbgougingatcoal-lumpeyes Woodstockwithaheadbutt Herbhiptosses coveronetwono WoodisupandslapsHerb Herblooksangryandunloadsabunchofawesomekicks
Here'sawittycommentfromme!
HerblocksoninDDTposition... runningDDTthat'stheSaladShooter coveronetwothree!
WinnerHerbRomaine!
And to think, that match would have taken nine minutes! We shortened it up to a breezy ninety seconds! Apologies to the wrestlers concerned, but hey, this was booked at the last minute and frankly, it's a sacrifice to a main event match we're talking about here! So if you don't like it, blame Neige Thirteen, unless you're a heel, in which case blame the Tiger.
That about covers that...next match!
FirstfromClevelandHeightsweighing185MonkeyBoy!
(He swings in from a wire attached to the Monstron)
NextfromGaryINweighing235lbs. SSS!
(Bambi and Sal run to the ring, Bambi rips off Sal's suit to leave his trunks and boots)
MonkeyBoypickingliceoutofSal'shead Sallooksoffendedandsnapmare MBwithaGermansuplex onekickout Salwithadropkick nowaflyingforearm Salcoversonetwokickout
Here'swhereItalkaboutcollegefootballhistories!
Yesandwedidn'tneedit Sal'soutofthering MonkeyBoywithaspringboardplancha whattamaneuver BambidistractingMonkeyBoy MBclimbsonherback
Doubleentendrefromme!
SalboxesMonkeyBoy'sears bothmenbackinthering Salwithahugebackbreaker onetwoshoulderup MonkeyBoywithamonkeyflip howappropriate onetwokickout MBwithhissignatureBananaSplithurricanrana hooksthelegonetwothree! Whew!
YourwinnerMonkeyBoy!
Man, that's tiring on the tongue, isn't it? (sips water)
But at least it's all over. I enjoyed that. Nice fast pace to the match. Reminds me of when I was a kid.
And, fans, we are only moments away from the long-awaited match between the Tiger and Neige Thirteen. But first, let’s see how we got here.
(Video package is shown highlighting the feud. Rather than actual footage, actors are used for the purposes of dramatic reenactments of actual events. First, we see “footage” of “Neige’s” first promo in the STWF as a voiceover says:)
VOICEOVER: “He sought refuge in the STWF from feds he claimed didn’t understand him. But he quickly wore out his welcome, especially with the established faces of the STWF, as well as the management.”
(Footage is shown of “the Tiger” mocking “Neige” in his promos . . . )
“THE TIGER:” Stay hot, superstar. ( . . . followed by footage of the “Right Hand Man” shaking his finger at “Neige,” and saying)
“RHM:” Shame on you!
VOICEOVER: “But Neige Thirteen is a proud Snowman, who didn’t plan on taking any of this lying down. Time after time, Neige claimed that management was conspiring against him, and the biggest beneficiary of the conspiracy was none other than The Tiger.”
(Footage of “Neige” going crazy and complaining about management)
“NEIGE”: The Tiger doesn’t deserve anything he’s ever won.
(cut to . . . )
“THE TIGER:” Fee, fi, fo, fum, Andre, one long year and your time has come, man!
VOICEOVER: “Uhhhhhh, we should probably have checked the script a little better . . . and, tonight, the score will be settled once and for all, and these two men meet one on one!”
(cut back to our announcers)
Well I'm tingly.
I can’t wait . . . you know, Neige has really been jerked around since he got here, and I think tonight will be his chance to finally get some revenge against the people who have been keeping him down.
Then, without further ado, here’s Announcer Lad . . .
(Announcer Lad's lips are moving, but the crowd is so heated by now you can't hear a word he said regarding either competitor over the boos and cheers. At least Announcer Lad looked enthusiastic...)
Both men in the ring now. And here we go. The intensity and rivalry is palpable even from our broadcast position. Neige slaps the Tiger! The Tiger with a punch to the jaw! And these two men are tearing each other apart!
They look like two windmills in a hurricane!
Neige with an armdrag. Rolling knee drop. Now a reverse chinlock applied. The Tiger gets to the ropes, and the referee breaks the hold. The Tiger gets in a shot to the ribs. Vertical suplex! Armbar applied by the Tiger . . . Neige is able to escape and nails the Tiger right in the windpipe!
If the Tiger can’t breathe, that might shift the momentum of the match . . . like when he dies of suffocation.
Um, a good point, as always. The Tiger is staggered . . . DDT by Neige Thirteen! Neige looks to be in control early in this match. Picks up the Tiger . . . gorilla press slam!!!
Impressive power for an Albino.
Even I don’t know what THAT means! Neige going for a powerbomb . . . REVERSAL INTO A HURRACANRANA PIN . . . ONE . . .TWO . . . kickout by Neige!
That move caught him off-guard.
Indeed. The Tiger coming back with rights and lefts . . . three point stance charge sends Neige reeling! Now . . . it looks like the Tiger is going for a Sharpshooter! Neige isn’t tapping, though!
He’ll have to give up or get to the ropes . . . he dragging the Tiger pretty good, there . . .
Indeed, and it looks like he WILL get to the ropes. Yes, and the ref again breaks the hold. The Tiger backs off, now . . . AND GETS HIT WITH A LOW BLOW FROM NEIGE!
Hey, all’s fair in a grudge match like this.
Power clothesline by Neige! The Tiger is down again! Kneelift by Neige, Tiger tries to pick Neige up, but the Ninja Snowman just throws him off . . .
DOK-E! . . . OH! THAT’S IT! HE HITS THE DOKE KICK!
Wow, two losses in a row for the Tiger . . .
Here’s the cover, One . . . two . . . thre - NO! HE KICKED OUT!
Unbelievable!
But the Tiger is still stunned.
But not as stunned as Neige! Did you see that look on his face?
The Tiger up now. Scoop slam, and he’s stomping a mudhole in Neige.
He’s signalling for the Tiger Rack!
But will he be able to get him up after the beating Neige has handed out? He picks him up . . . NEIGE IS IN THE RACK . . . HE’S STILL NOT GIVING UP!!!
He’ll die before he taps out to the likes of The Tiger, I know that much!
The Tiger looks exhausted . . . AND HIS LEGS GIVE OUT ON HIM . . . NEIGE FALLS INTO A COVER . . . ONE . . . TWO . . . THREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
No, wait . . .
Oh, wait, foot on the rope. Good eye, Cap. The match will continue. Both men are drained, however. The Tiger is up first. Wow, NOW he’s signalling for a Tiger Driver!
I’m not sure how much more Neige can take. This could be it.
The crowd is on their feet. This building is SHAKING . . . and not just because of the faulty foundation!
LOU, THE CROOKED CONTRACTOR: Up yours!
He’s setting him up for it . . . he’s in position, and the Tiger plays to the crowd, which is going ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!
CROWD: The Backstreet Boys are the most important musical act of the past 50 years!
Here it comes . . . Neige blocks it! Tiger tries again . . . Neige blocks it again!!! One more time . . . Neige reverses it into a backdrop!!! And this crowd is livid!
These guys are giving it everything they’ve got tonight! Great stuff.
The Tiger slow in getting up . . . Neige with a bodyslam . . . goes for a legdrop - and MISSES! The Tiger rolled out. The Tiger going up top . . . MOONSAULT INTO A COVER - ONE . . . TWO . . . TH - kickout.
It took everything Neige had to kick out of that.
The Tiger gets up and catches his breath . . . SCHOOLBOY BY NEIGE . . . ONE . . . TWO . . . THE TIGER ROLLS IT OVER . . . ONE . . . TWO . . . SHOULDER UP! Wow!
I’m going to need to change my depends after this match is over!
If it ever ends! Neige comes off the ropes now, and drills the Tiger with another clothesline! Contemplates a cover, but thinks twice. Picks up the Tiger . . . whips him into the ropes . . . telegraphs a back-body drop . . . the Tiger spots it . . . TIGER DRIVER ’91 OUT OF NOWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!
WITH A BRIDGE!!!!
ONE . . . TWO . . . THREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Here is your winner, THE TIGER!
The roof is about to blow off of this place!
LOU, THE CROOKED CONTRACTOR: Hey! Lay off, all right?
The Tiger is exhausted. Oh, and now Neige is pummeling the Tiger! What a sore loser!
Hey! Put yourself in his shoes! I can understand what he’s going through.
Please.
(The sound of stuff breaking is heard over the PA) AND HERE COMES LUKE WARM! Neige takes cover as Warm helps the Tiger up . . . and the two celebrate with the crowd as Luke helps Tiger to the back.
But it looks like Neige isn’t quite done . . .
Oh, he is destroying some of the ringside monitors! We’d better get out of here . . . he’s headed our way and looks like he’s going to wreck our table as well . . .
Yep, here he comes! What could happen next?
Tune in to MNT to find - CRUNCH (no audio)
©2000 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre