Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is the final match in the tournament to decide the ICCINACBBIC title! Already in the ring, a former Undefendable Champion and one-half of the Head Trauma Boys, COMA!
How the heck did he get here? When did he get in the ring? I didn't see a thing!
And his opponent, representing Faces, Inc. and Black by Popular Demand, weighing in at an even two bills, TYRONE MAYHEM!
(Tyrone struts to the ring with purpose. You go on with yo' bad self.)
And the match is on! A lockup now, and it looks like Tyrone has gotten the best of it! Inverted
atomic drop by Tyrone Mayhem!
Aww, das so 80's yo!
Well it seems to have done the trick, no matter how dated you might find it, Jamal.
And Coma is indeed staggering from that shot... But look at this! Coma pounces on Tyrone Mayhem and he's pummeling away on him!
Pummeling indeed, Cap. And Tyrone is trying to mount a little offense here as the Breakdance Inferno sits on his shoulders and unloads on the unprepared Tyrone Mayhem!
Stop him dere, ref! YO! Yo ref!
The referee isn't going to interfere in this one-- it's for the Intercontinental Cruiserweight "It's Not a Championship Belt But It's Close" Title! Way too important....
The way you say it, Cap, the folks at home would almost believe it. And here we go! Tyrone Mayhem now showing us a little bit of offense again as he wrangles Coma to the mat..
Heh. I need my beats, yo.
What are you up to, Jamal? Jamal Tupac Mustafa leaving the broadcast are and heading toward the back now... We can only wonder what he's up to, folks.
It doesn't matter. Nice armdrag takedown by Tyrone, but he's met right away with a legsweep by Coma taking both men to the mat! Coma grapevining the leg now... rare display of cognizance by the Breakdance Inferno here!
And he's go that cinched in tight! I don't know that Tyrone can get out of this one... he's nowhere near the ropes as Coma takes an early advantage in this all important contest! This doesn't look good at all for Tyrone Mayhem-
BBPD IN DA HIZOOOOUSE, YO!
What's that over the loudspeaker? It sounded like Jamal! Tyrone hears him and he's looking for moral
support from his tag team partner!
It does indeed seem to be helping Tyrone get his second wind, though. But you know, I have a bad feeling about the whole deal. I don't like it. Not a bit.
Tyrone Mayhem trying to find his strength here as he struggles to get out of the leglock...
Truth to tell, I really don't see what the problem is. I mean, you don't exactly finish a guy off with a leglock, now, do you. Back in my day, of course, a leglock would be so-
FIGHT, YO! FIGHT YO' ASS UP!
Nice to hear from Jamal... for once. And look at Tyrone now-- he's really fighting to get back up!
I GOT SOME INSPIRATION FO' YO' UGLY ASS!
(Some really really bad rap starts playing. It's so bad even the hardest core fans in the audience have never heard of whoever it is that's getting the undeserved airtime.)
Oh lord, this is unacceptable. I told you this wasn't good, McMadden.
But it really does seem to be having a profound effect on Tyrone Mayhem in the ring here, folks! He's struggling to his feet, drawing strength from that infernal noise...
And it looks like Coma is letting him go! This makes no sense...
I'm back, yo!
What did you do, Jamal? Chaos on the ring as Coma seems to be transfixed and Tyrone Mayhem struggles to his feet while that awful noise continues to fill the arena!
What? You buggin'! Those a' my beats, yo!
Well whatever they are I'm beginning to see their effect here... Coma is really into whatever you've done here...
I believe the young people call it "grooving," Cap... and you are indeed right! The Breakdance Inferno doesn't seem to be paying heed to anything but the music, if you can call it that, playing around him! And look at the Breakdance Inferno go!
Just like I knew he would, yo! YIZEAH!
Is that dancing? We used to call that a seizure. Oh but look at this! Tyrone Mayhem has seen his opportunity here and just rolls Coma right up! And Coma isn't even trying to kick out! He's just twitching to the beat in that small package.. and that's three! Tyrone Mayhem leaving with his belt as Coma continues to get down in the ring.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match, and the NEW ICCINACCBIC champion, TYRONE MAYHEM!
I tole you he'd do it, yo! That's mah boyeeeee!
Hard to believe that this whole mess started with a match between the Pencil Necked Geek and Lenny "The Force" Baxter...
Well, Cap, that's what you get when you use the first release of a Microsoft product! Let's take you back to the ring for more great action!
Ladies and gentlemen, this match is... ah, screw it- here comes Four, folks.
(Four comes out to minimal fanfare and believe me you, he looks like a beaten puppy. Poor guy can't even get a decent ring intro.)
Four now talking to Announcer Lad- he seems very put down by the whole situation. What a tough life
in the middle cards here in the STWF.
Wateva. He just another rassler doomed to the dark, cold confines of mediocrity and the piteous bowels of failure, never reaching the pinnacle to which he aspires when-
I mean... ain' no thing, yo.
And his opponent... apparently from Canada or Something, making his return to the SteroType Wrestling Federation, here is CLAUDE "LIGHTNING FINGERS" LEROUX!
(Claude heads to the ring looking like he's very much ready for a fight. H's on a mission folks. A mission to prove he's worthy of his gimmick. A mission David Flair should have embarked on long ago. But I digress.)
And they're off! Four is getting into this one right away with a big right hand that sends Leroux to the
canvas. And now following up with a slam as Claude gets to his feet.
Fo' aint doin much around here, yo! An' next we got a match with BILL in it.
Do da bookaz set this stuff up so that the crowd can make extra long beer runs, yo?
No amount of beer would excuse any of this, Jamal.
Would you two stop! "Lightning Clippers" back to his feet now as the crowd is locked in a state of utter indifference! Just look at them not reacting as if their lives depended on it! This is what it's all about, folks!
Aaaah yeeeah. S'all about da midcard, baby. Now we got Claude comin' back with a big ole punch and a nice rake to da face!
That's not going to be enough to put Four away, Jamal. And Four is trying his best to get back into this, swinging wildly at anyone or anything that he can find! And he's hit the ref!
But with the ref down and Four reeling Claude can do pretty much whatever he wants! And so he has! He's wrestled the bell away from the Creepy Timekeeper... and he seems to be wiping something off of it... my goodness. Best that we don't speculate on what exactly that is, folks.
He gon' hit somebody wi'dat, yo!
How astute, Jamal. Claude Leroux cracking Four over the head with the ring bell, then cheerfully handing it back to the Creepy Timekeeper, who just looks at him... well... creepily. And now the ref has come to just as Claude goes for the cover! mazing how that works. One... two... three! He got him, folks! Claude "Lightning Fingers" Leroux victorious here in his kinda sorta return to the STWF.
Your winner- CLAUDE "LIGHTNING FINGERS" LEROUX!
And that's a wrap! Next match will involve a jobber being horribly maimed, so let's just get right to it then, shall we?
Our next match is a special "Battle of the Bills" set for one fall. Making his
way to the ring, accompanied by an team of EMTs, just because we know better by now, from Springfield,
Illinois, weighing 244 pounds... the man they call BILL!
And his opponent, the Great White Luchador, The Man You Love to Acknowledge, the mystery that is....
And his opponent, the Great White Luchador, The Man You Love to Acknowledge, the mystery that is.... BILLY POLAR!
(And so Billy Polar makes his way to the ring. He's like the wind, baby.)
And with the Creepy Timekeeper's ring of the bell, we are underway! Ooh! Billy Polar just punched BILL
in the head! Just punched him! Just up and punched the guy!
He punched him too, yo!
Are you mocking me?
Well folks, while those two get involved in a staredown that's not going anywhere, I'll tell you this much. Billy Polar doesn't look too happy about being involved in a match with a jobber here tonight, not even a jobber the caliber of BILL. BP follows up the punch with a mean kick to the groin and-
YOU BLINKED, YO!
Dammit! All right, back to the action, folks- no real wrestling going on here as Billy Polar just mauls BILL... stomping on the prone BILL now while the referee is leaned against the turnbuckles in the far corner reading a copy of Metal Edge or something....
I wish BILL would just get grievously injured so we can move on. I have a colonoscopy later that I need to get ready for.
Uuuh... you could skip the details there.
Da's nasty, yo!
That's the cross you bear for being old, boys.
BILL staggering up now, trying to mount some offense- YES! He's hit Billy Polar with a forearm smash that's sent the much lighter Great White Luchador reeling! BILL backing up now... looks like he's getting ready to charge! Here comes BILL!
AWWW! Deeeyamn, dawg! That's gotta hurt!
This is awful, folks... Billy Polar moving at the last second as BILL went for the turnbuckle splash, and BILL sailed clear over and cracked his head on the ringpost in quite savage fashion!
I think BILL is out... he's splayed out in the ring... some sort of particulate matter seems to be coming out of his head... not a pretty sight, but not one we're unused to anytime BILL is in the ring.
One... two... and this one is over!
Well, what did you expect, really... I mean... it was BILL, Angus.
Ladies and gentlemen, here is the winner of the Battle of the Bills-- BILLY POLAR!
Another victory for Billy Polar, another tragic injury for BILL.
Dis next one gonna be good, yo. I don't think the Jockeys like me much tho.
No indeed. There are those who would argue that you cost the Jockeys the tag team titles at the Brawl. And I'm afraid I'd have to agree with them- it's not as if The Agency could have done it on their own!
Why you gotta do me like dat? Mully all used her feminine wilez and stuff, yo. Dey won fair and square- me an' my boy Tyrone was just sizin' up the competition!
Our next contest is a tag team match. Making their way to the ring now, Flatline and the new ICCINACBBIC champion Coma, THE HEAD TRAUMA BOYS!
(The Head Trauma Boys fight like hell to find their way to the ring, to the amusement of all parties involved.)
And their opponents-- the until so recently tag team champions, THE AMBULANCE JOCKEYS!
(The theme from "E.R." plays and the Jockeys come out. Their gaze is fixed on our happy little commentator, Jamal Tupac Mustafa.)
Ooooh, they don't look any too pleased with you right now, Jamal...
So? I didn't do nuthin'! Wazza deal, yo?
We start of with Barry and Coma in the ring now... and the two men are circling... Jamal, you look a
little unsettled... are you waiting for something?
He probably ordered a pizza and tried to have it delivered to the broadcast table again.
Naaw... I, uh, I'm jus' waitin' fo' a friend of mine, yo. We was gonna hook up here is all...
Well, Cap, to take a page from your book, let me say that I don't like where this is going.
And it's going to go there quicker than either of us would have cared for from the looks of things, Angus. Here comes Tyrone Mayhem to the broadcast area.
Yooo wizazuuuup? Here ya go, yo!
Jamal handing Tyrone Mayhem a headset now... I'm not too sure how I feel about this.
Wazzat mean, yo? I ain't done nothin'!
How can you two say that? You cost the Ambulance Jockeys their tag team titles at the Brawl!
Indeed you did, but meanwhile things in the ring are heating up as Coma is taking it to "Backboard" Barry!
And for that matter, I could argue you cost Coma his shot at the ICC belt!
It ain't my fault he wanted to dance more den he wanted to rassle, yo!
Back in the ring, if we may, Coma landing an impressive dropkick on Barry. And now Coma just staring over here. He might recognize you guys, and he might be trying to send a message... and then again, he might just be Coma.
Flatline just looking off into space in the other corner.. and that bough Barry some time to get his wits together- he hits Coma with a low blow and hightails it for his corner!
Taggin' out an' stuff... check dat move, Tyrone! You taking notes, yo?
You know I am, yo.
I'm not entirely sure what's just happened here, folks, but I'm guessing that Black By Popular Demand is here scouting the competition..
Dat's right, yo! We are com-pe-ti-tors, yo!
Yeah. Now ya'll go an' call da match while we check things out, yo.
Now what are they up to?
Tyrone and Jamal leaving the table and lurking about ringside as the in ring action continues... Coma now feeling the effects of having already competed once this evening in addition to not being the fresh man in the ring as the more rested Gurney takes control!
What are those two up to....
Nothing so far, Cap. Let's just give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they're just going to observe. And now Gary setting Coma up and going into the ropes-
Well, your little idea about observing didn't last long at all now, did it? Tyrone Mayhem tripping Gary as he hits the rope. And Coma wasting no time in tagging out. Say... where was the ref, Angus?
Don't know what to tell you there, Cap. But look at this! Coma seems to have woken up and he's battling outside the ring while Flatline is locked up with Gary! And the ref seems to have woken up as well! He's over trying to get Jamal and Tyrone away form Coma and out of the action, leaving Barry the Backboard all the time in the world to interfere! And Flatline goes down with a huge double clothesline! It looks like Black By Popular Demand is about to hand the Jockeys a win as they have Coma incapacitated and Flatline is completely leveled in the ring!
And they've thrown Coma back in the ring now and the ref turning his attention back to the action just in time to miss Barry racing back to his corner.
And Gary now going for a cover, and that will be the end of it folks... one... two.. wait! Jamal coming from off the ropes onto Barry! And Tyrone Mayhem is now in the ring and Black By Popular Demand is tearing into the Ambulance Jockeys!
And it looks like a melee is brewing as the Head Trauma Boys are getting back into it now, and we've got a three way tag team war on our hands!
Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to Tyrone and Jamal, this match is a no contest!
Well, I hope Jamal is happy with himself. He's deprived us of a nice tag match here tonight as Tyrone
heads back to the locker room and Jamal heads back here.
Got to take care of bizniss, yo... doin' it old school.
You really do amuse me from time to time, Jamal.
It was worth it.
The thirst that you quenched, the delight that you felt, and the inevitable consequences.
Marq's has mites.
All right folks- North American title on the line now at ThatGuy goes up against VP! Let's go to the ring.
Ladies and Gentlemen, now making his way to the ring, accompanied by raving insanity, THATGUY!
(ThatGuy comes out to a huge pop. I guess biting off Neige's finger is it's own reward.)
And his opponent, from Seattle Washington, weighing 310 pounds, the North American Champion, THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
("Closer" plays as the VP comes out looking especially violent. And pacifistic. At the same time. He's magical.)
It's on like neckbone!
What the hell does that mean, anyway?
I got no idea, yo. But people say it all the time, see?
And it is indeed on as the Violent Pacifist is pounding on ThatGuy, wasting no time at all in mounting his offense! I guess he doesn't want to give ThatGuy a change to subtract any digits today, if you know what I mean...
Ah, Angus. Have I ever told you how much we all treasure your rapier wit and brilliant color commentating?
Right. The VP now sending ThatGuy into the ropes and tries to throw a dropkick- always dangerous for the bigger guys- and ThatGuy had the presence of mind to move out of the way!
Big kick by ThatGuy and he follows up with a bodyslam. And it seems to be having no effect on the champ- he's right back up to his feet! ThatGuy throwing a punch but it's blocked! And VP nails ThatGuy with a fast suplex!
That'll take some of the starch out of you!
Mang, that is so ol' school, yo! Ya'll gotta learn some new words, dawg.
Cultural and generation gaps notwithstanding, let's go back to the action in the ring, shall we? VP following up with an elbowdrop on the fallen ThatGuy. And it's not looking to good for the lunatic at present.
Well, last I checked, he's not even ranked for the title, Angus. You have to figure there's a reason...
I suppose so, Cap. But the title is on the line nevertheless!
So what! My boy Tyrone is tha CHAMPEEN baby!
That he is, but you've had quite a busy night already, Jamal. Why won't you leave the Jockeys alone?
I already tole you, I didn't do nothin', yo!
Would you two take it somewhere else? I'm trying to enjoy the match here. And it's a... real doozy, folks. ThatGuy found his attack and he's currently gnawing at VP, who looks to be staying a hair's breadth from any real harm at the hands of those teeth.
I wish you knew how silly you sound sometimes, Cap. And ThatGuy now getting set to do some real damage as he climbs to the second rope. Ooh! Comes off head first and knocks heads with the Violent Pacifist!
Ow is right, Jamal! And now he's getting back up... both men reeling as the sharptoothed one heads to the ropes yet again!
But he's just as groggy as the VP after that last maneuver, Angus. At the risk of sounding cliche, I think he's going to the well once too often here...
What makes you say that, Cap? Is it merely the fact that the violent Pacifist is staggering towards the corner even as ThatGuy climbs the ropes? Or does it have more to do with VP's finisher being an off the top rope move?
Gee, Angus, I really wonder. I really do. And oh, what do you know? The VP just socked ThatGuy in the gut as he was ascending the ropes. I wonder what he'll do now?
You're doing any new viewers we may have a disservice, Cap. What if they don't know? Well, I guess they do now! The Violent Pacifist headed up to the top rope while ThatGuy agonizes. And he's picked him up. And he's put him down! Nailer by the VP and this on is done!
We got a three count, yo!
Your winner- the North American champion- THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
And moving right along into our main event... the action never stops, folks... Now making their
way to the ring, the team of NEIGE THIRTEEN AND DOUJA!
And moving right along into our main event... the action never stops, folks... Now making their way to the ring, the team of NEIGE THIRTEEN AND DOUJA!
(Neige Thirteen and Douja make their way to the ring in a cloud of ever so herbal smoke. The crowd is booing and hissing at the heels, but only if they're out of the smoke cloud's radius. Otherwise, they succumb to a crippling contact high.)
And their opponents- the greatest force known to Our Great Sport today-- the combination of Luke Warm and The Tiger, THE FACES OF DEATH!
(They come out, crowd pops, double thumbs up, Luke-Hoo, you know the drill.)
And the bell has rung and we are off! Tiger and Douja starting out... and wham! Down goes Douja
courtesy of El Tigre... and look at Luke Warm making rather crude hand gestures across the ring
at Neige Thirteen!
There's nothing quite like the pure hatred Neige seems to have for these two men, McMadden.
Yes... it's almost... too real.... Cap.
Douja slow getting to his feet after that shot, and the Tiger uses that to his advantage with a flurry of vicious stomps. Hoisting Douja up now and puts a huge suplex on the chronic one.
And Tiger now gesturing to his corner... and the crowd is loving it! They want to see Luke Warm! And the Tiger tags out-- this crowd is on its feet! Lukeamania is running wild in the Slobberknocker Arena!
Aaight, now all ya'll done officially sold out, yo. Luke Warm in the ring now, and tings are heating up! Kick to the midsection and Douja crumples. Luke screaming like mad now for Douja to go tag out... he wants Neige Thirteen!
This shouldn't surprise anyone. And look at Tiger- he's chomping at the bit to get in the instant Neige is fair game.
And that time is now! Tag by Douja and Neige Thirteen is in the ring! Luke Warm and Neige Thirteen right here, right now folks! And what a bruhaha it should be! Both men exchanging words best left unsaid on family programming.
Ah yeah.... I wanna see my boy Luke takin' that yellow nugget DOWN, yo!
And you just might! The two men lock up- a knee from Neige Thirteen takes Luke off his feet and Neige follows up with a front facelock. But that's not going to stop the thirstiest SOB in the STWF!
Warm powering up now and getting to his feet.... he's picking up Neige while still in the facelock.
Yeah! You go, Luke!
Glad you're taking your job seriously and staying objective, Jamal. Luke walking Neige back to the corner now and tags the Tiger! Good tactics by The Faces of Death here as Luke Warm holds Neige while Tiger comes off the second rope with a double axehandle! And the crowd is loving every second of the former IG champ in action!
Look what we have here, Angus...
Billy Polar comin' down now! Ah yeah, we got ourselves some support, yo!
Billy Polar making his way down to the ring area now, no doubt to lend support to Luke Warm and The Tiger. And Douja now seeing this while Tiger and Neige brawl in the ring...
And now things are getting interesting. Douja in the ring now protesting Billy's presence. Neige ignoring Tiger and also getting in the referee's face now.
Billy Polar up on the ring apron now as the referee tries to put a little order to things. Luke pointing over to Billy Polar as the crowd cheers!
And Neige was none too pleased with that as he peels himself away from the referee and runs to the corner to slap Luke in the face!
Jamal! That is hardly appropriate. But boy is Luke heated! And now he's in the ring! All four men arguing with the referee now while Billy Polar stands by, almost as if he's biding his time....
This is silly. It's like a bunch of football players arguing with a ref over a penalty on the sidelines. And now Billy Polar steps between the ropes, and the ref looks like he's going to have a brain hemorrhage.... Billy gesturing over to Luke now, and Luke giving Billy the double thumbs up. Luke Warm now turning his attention to Neige Thirteen and- OH MY GOD! Billy Polar has just clocked Luke Warm with a steel chair!
Where the hell did he get that chair?
It hardly matters, Cap.
I don' like this, yo...
You stay out of this! You've caused enough trouble for one evening.
And Billy Polar has laid Luke Warm out! And now he's making swinging motions toward the Tiger! Neige looking on curiously... could these two be on the same side? NO! Neige Thirteen laid out by the steel chair! And Douja seems to have gotten lost in all the confusion... Neige shouldn't have turned his back on the Tiger just then, because it's cost him now! And BP reeling from a huge right hand. I'm betting the satisfaction of laying Neige out made getting a pop in the chops worthwhile, though.
An' look at Billy Polar run! Go get 'im, Tiger!
Wait.. Luke Warm is struggling to his feet.... he's up! And it's Luke and Neige Thirteen all alone in the ring! Listen to the crowd! They want the STONECUTTER! And so does Luke!
Neige must have picked up on it, 'cause he's rolling out of the ring and taking off through the crowd to fight another day! Well, it looks like things are totally out of hand and Neige Thirteen is long gone!
And Luke Warm looks none too pleased as The Tiger has chased Billy Polar back to the dressing room. What the heck is Billy Polar up to, anyway?
We got bigga' problems, yo. Luke didn't get to STONECUTTER nobody yet, and everybody already headed out...
And it looks like Luke is coming this way... I wonder why. In any case, folks, we're out of time and- What's that Luke? You what? No, no... well, for Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, this is Ang-