Good evening yet again, and for the last time in the 20th century! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and we've got a heck of a show for you tonight!
(The sound of stuff breaking is heard throughout the arena as Luke Warm makes his way toward the announcers' table to a huge pop.)
Well folks, here he is getting wired up to call the show with me here tonight....
Good old Captain Twilight is out this evening for some "routine medical maintenance"
he was good enough not to go into detail on, so here with us tonight we have a special
guest commentator- the thirstiest SOB in the STWF- LUKE WARM!
Hey there, Vince. Luke Warm may not be on the card, but he's sure gonna call the card, and that's the lower lattitude!
Well spoken, Luke. And here's tonight's rundown. We'll kick it off with a four-way brawl featuring Billy Polar, Neige Thirteen-
Let's not go there. Also Virago and Lenny "The Force" Baxter! Woodstock takes on Douja... then it's Coma taking on Tentin Quarentino in a match that's sure to have implications in the ICCTINACBBIC race!
Race? What the hell are they racing for? There's already a champion and he's not fighting anyone!
Then next up it's a big six-man tag match with Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and the Ambulance Jockeys take on the combined might of the Violent Pacifist and Pain and Pleasure! And then to top it all off Homicidal Hank goes up agains "Soft Core" Zack!
And don't forget the Right Hand Man will be presenting the undefendable belt for the very first time tonight, if you taste what the Luke is drinkin'.
Nothing. Let's just go to our first match.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a four-corners elimination match. The last person remaining after the elimination of the other three contestants will be declared the winner. Making hi.. her... uhm... on the way to the ring, out first contestant... VIRAGO!
(Virago struts seductively(?) to the ring and parades around for all to see.)
And the next contestant... LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER!
(Lenny enters the ring, though not at all seductively.)
And the third contestant... BILLY POLAR!
(Chants of USA! USA! Fill the arena as the Luchadore finds his way out to a significant pop.)
And there he is... one of the most loquacious stars in the STWF today.
You know... I'm ashamed to say it... but I just can't help but like the kid. He's got talent. And he might even hate that idiot Neige as much as I do!
This is hardly the time to get into that sort of thing... but speak of the devil...
And the final participant... NEIGE THIRTEEN!
(Neige makes his way to the ring to a huge... response... from the audience.)
Two participants to start... the referee making everyone paper, rock, scissors for the
starting spots.... and it looks like we're underway with Virago and Lenny!
Any one can tag any one else in this contest, right?
That is indeed the case.
And we are off! Virago and Lenny locking up....
WOW! That was one heck of a punch in the face Lenny just took if Virago is in fact a woman. Lenny returning the favor with a shot to the midsection.... Virago is reeling now. What the hell is he doing?
Oh.. it looks like Lenny "The Force" Baxter is trying for the Head Explody early on! I don't know that this is such a good idea! But Virago isn't attacking... she seems very amused by all this.
Yeah, but I think it's gotten old. Virago going out for a tag... and she's tagged in Neige 13!
And it looks like that got Lenny's attention... he's charging the Fighting Snowman now and it looks like he's going to get in a few good licks!
Don't lick yellow snow.
Please. Lenny not finished here- big bodyslam followed by a little somersalty thing where he snaps Neige's neck forward...I think it's called a snapmare or something.
I haven't seen that move since about 1989...
And the Snowman is really in trouble here! It looks like Billy is setting up to put him away now... and NO! Low blow by Neige Thirteen from the mat sends The Force down.
Luke Warm is no fan of those tactics, and that's the lower lattitude!
Either way, it was a very effective play for Neige, as he's gotten back up to his feet and raking the eyes of Lenny "The Force" Baxter!
Yeah yeah... he looks like a girl when he clotheslines! Hwah-hwaaaah!
Say what you will Luke, but Lenny is reeling now! And Neige is getting ready to set him up for the "Doke" Kick! He's backing away...
HEY NEIGE! YO! NUGGET! YOU SUCK! NUGGET!
What? Neige now turning his attention towards us... heated words exchanged between Neige Thirteen and Luke Warm! And Lenny is getting his bearings back... now glaring at the distracted Neige Thirteen... he's trying for the Head Explody yet again! Not the recommended way to follow up when your opponent's back is turned.
Ah, I'm not gonna waste my time on this guy right now. YEAH, I SAID YOU! TURN AROUND AND FIGHT YER MATCH, YA MORON!
I don't know that that was such a good idea, Luke. Neige now directing his attention back to the ring and seeing Lenny locked in deep concentration... not even paying attention to Neige's moiton as he OOH! "Doke" Kick to The Force and he is DOWN!
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
I think he was sending a message to you, Luke.
Whatever. Oooh, he just pinned Lenny!
Lenny gone, and in comes Virago!
This ought to be a laugh. Ha! He doesn't know what to do!
It looks like Neige is refusing to fight Virago! He doesn't want to hit a woman! He's turned around and looking at the crowd for approval. The crowd is just as unsure of the gender issues at play here as he is!
I don't think Virago is... what's she doing?
Virago winding up while Neige's back is turned... WHAMMO! What a shot to the back of the head! Neige Thirteen staggering forward... he's stunned... and Virago grabs the Snowman for a rollup!
Nice rollup by Virago... tight little package.
Oh lord. One... two... three! Neige is gone! Now Billy Polar in the ring for the first time and we're down to our final two competitors in this heart-stopping four way war!
I think BP has a lot to prove here, and he's gonna start with the Mangirl! Oh, but taking a kick to the willy like that isn't the way to prove anything. He is down and he went down hard.
Looking not at all good for BP as he tries to take the victory in this elimination contest. Virago picking the luchador up-- big slam! Virago showing us a whole lot of power here tonight.
Hopefully that's all Virago will show us tonight. Billy trying to mount a comeback with a couple weak punches while Virago goes for the pickup... but Virago is just shrugging them off. I think she took a lot out of him with those last couple shots.
Things getting darker by the second for Billy Polar... Virago going for a suplex.. wait.. BP is blocking it... they're struggling for position now.
I want that particular image out of my head right now, and that's the lower lattitude.
Both competitors locked up-- it looks like Billy Polar is getting the best of it now-- he has Virago raised up high-- MIGRAINE! And he goes for the pin!
One, two, three, and this one's over!
Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of the match... BILLY POLAR!
Well that's that... Billy Polar taking the victory in the big four-way.
And look at him strutting around like a goof on his way out.. But ya gotta like him, I guess.
He certianly has taken the STWF by storm, Luke. But let's not waste any time-- the next match is already set to go!
Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring now... WOODSTOCK!
(Woodstock comes to the ring to minimal fanfare)
And his opponent (boos begin)... weighing in at 245 pounds.... DOUJA!
(Cypress Hill plays as the pot hound stumbles toward the ring.)
Bell ringing as the match is underway! Woodstock circling and trying to get the drop on
Douja, who isn't having any of it. Douja moving in and going for a lockup.
This is interesting... I wouldn't really see Douja as motivated enough to really be trying for anything in a match. That sure looked like a motivated forearm to Woodstock's face though!
Indeed it did, Luke. And now with a big boot to Woodstock's gut. And Woodstock is not showing us very much-- he goes down right away!
Douja going over to Woodsto- ooh! Woodstock was playing possum there! A great move as he whips to his feet and slaps a quick gutwrench suplex on the dope fiend! But then staggers back?
Woodstock fanning himself.. looks like things are getting a little hot for him.
Well you know, a lot of people just really don't understand how nasty the temperature gets in the arena. The lights right on the ring and all... it's pretty darn sultry in the circled square, and that's the lower lattitude!
Yes indeed, Luke, and it looks as if the temperature isn't agreeing with the snowman at all! He's on rubber legs as Douja makes a quick recovery and waffles Woodstock right in the head! One, two, three!
Huh. I can't believe it was so easy for Douja. I really expected more than that.
Maybe he should head back when he's a little more acclamated to the weather in the arena.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner.... DOUJA!
And so we have another one in the history books at this last card of the
Well let me tell you this Angus McMadden- Luke Warm isn't impressed with no little hippie coming around taking on some little nugget's sidekick!
You're not on the card, Luke... just let it go.
Ladies and gentlemen, this next contest is-
(Luke jumps in the ring for no apparent reason and grabs the mic from Lad, who looks very confused.)
All right, here's the deal! Luke Warm knows what the people want, and Luke Warm is here to provide it! I can't very well show up here tonight and not do what you all came here to see!
(The crowd pops at the promise of a STONECUTTER, which is immediately delivered to poor Announcer Lad, who merely sat by like a little doe in headlights.)
He'll be awake in time for the next match... but this one is Coma Vs. Tentin Quarentino. You two get your rears down here, CAUSE LUKE WARM SAID SO!
(Luke throws the mic down and rolls AL out of the ring as he heads back to the announcer's table. Coma ambles out, followed shortly by Tentin Quarantino; neither man looks pleased about not having a proper introduction.)
Now what on Earth was that all about?
Well, thing is, Vince, you can't imagine the crap I take when I don't get at least one good STONECUTTER in in the course of an evening. It's just not worth it to try not to, so Luke Warm did his thing, and that's the lower lattitude.
Right. Back to the action in the ring, fast and furious as Coma is hammering on Tentin... the ref getting in and trying to separate them...
And he's got between them... Coma just leaning on the ref's shoulder and drooling as the poor guy tries to scrape him off.... meanwhile Quarantino looking none too pleased....
Quarantino:HEY YOU (BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP) WITH (BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP) AND (BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP) WHY THE (BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP) ARE (BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)!?!?!?!?!
And the ref is ordering for the bell while Coma continues to hang on him.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the referee has disqualified both men-- one on the grounds that he is a "potty-mouth" and one for being uncooperative overall.
Huh. This match more or less over before it started, but that's the great thing about the
STWF- you just never know what's going to happen! This could be THE GREATEST THUR-
I could get two STONECUTTERS in tonight....
Right. Well next up now folks... big six-man tag match as Dr. Plants and the Ambulance Jockeys take on the Violent Pacifist and Pain and Pleasure.
Introducing the first team, at a total combined weight of 825 pounds, here are THE VIOLENT PACIFIST AND PAIN AND PLEASURE!
("Closer" plays as the team heads to the ring because VP won the coin toss.)
And their opponents... weighing in at 715 pounds, THE AMBULANCE JOCKEYS AND DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS!
(The team struts out to "Smooth Operator," with Nurse Heidi in tow.)
Let me tell you, I've been up against a lot of the guys in the ring right now, and Luke Warm knows what a fight this one should be, and that's the lower lattitude!
And we are off! Starting the action in the ring is Sir Hungalot and Barry.
Looks like Big Sir is getting a strong start here, too. Look at the vicious chops he's
putting on the old Blackboard! No end in sight to the brutality. Oh, but lookee here...
Hungalot is pointing to Plants and waving him on! And he whips Barry into his own corner!
I thing Sir Hungalot is out to prove something here tonight, Luke! He wants a crack at the former IG champ and it looks like he's going to get it! Barry looks like he's going for the tag... but no! He tags Gary instead just to raise the ire of Sir Hungalot!
Hungalot looks more than a little irritated by this. He slaps Gary in the face and turns and walks away! He tags in the Violent Pacifist!
I've gone up against this guy before... this ought to be an interesting one. And VP wasting no time pummeling on Gary! It looks like this might be really quick!
The Violent Pacifist is just such a big guy... Gary really giving away way too much size and weight here to put up a lot of opposition here. And he hits a DDT! Going for a cover now.. one... two... and a kickout!
I tell ya... the DDT just doesn't have the destructive power it used to.
VP tossing Gary into the ropes now and swinging.. but Gary ducks! Getting up a head of steam now of the opposite ropes... Gary going for a clothesline and it looks like- yes- VP was thinking the same thing and both men are down!
You ever notice how no matter how much more hurt one guy is, that move always brings both guys down?
That just shows you how incredibly powerful the competitors are in our great sport! Both men trying to get to their corners now... Garry makes it to Dr. Plants and tags him in! Plants descending on the Violent Pacifist, but he's in his corner now!
And it looks like ol' VP tagged Jean Bannister! Ooh, that's not stopping Plants from pounding on Gary anyway...
And in comes Barry to protect his partner... all three men from one side in now, and the opposing team is having none of it! And in they come!
This whole thing is getting out of hand. I'm glad I'm not in the ring tonight.
Dr. Plants over the top rope! Looks like the ref is dealing with the chaos in the ring right now, and what is this?
Well now, it looks like the Circus Freaks have found their way to ringside! Oh willya look at them beating on Plants! This is classic! Those two are a couple of the ugliest, nastiest SOB's Luke Warm ever did see, but everyone knows I'm not too keen on Plants either, so more power to the Circus Freaks!
And what a beating they're administering! Sasquatch with a big foot into the good doctor. And I think he's out! The Freaks rolling Plants back into the ring now, and he is in tough shape.
Order restored to things here now as The Jockeys head back to their corner. And Bannister piles on top of the very injured Silaconne M. Plants! And this one is done!
Ladies and Gentlemen, the winners... THE VIOLENT PACIFIST AND PAIN AND PLEASURE!
Dr. Plants being taken away on a stretcher now....
YOU NEVER BEAT ME, PLANTS!
Easy there, Luke... It's simple enough to say that when he's laid out on a stret-
Right. We'll be right back, folks.
Just eat the damn Powdered Gravy.
Enjoy your millennium.
Well, we're back and ready for the final match of the evening... a good old fashioned
war between Homicidal Hank and "Soft Core" Zack!
Luke Warm isn't so sure he appreciates your feelings about the "war" there, Angus. You've got a killer going up against a guy who thinks a Nerf football is a deadly weapon!
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the FINAL match of the millennium! Now making his way to the ring, from Intercourse, Pennsylvania (crowd giggles).... HOMICIDAL HANK!
(Hank, "Going Slightly Mad," runs to the ring with wild abandon.)
And his opponent, at 262 pounds, "SOFT CORE" ZACK!
(Zack comes to the ring with Deviance and a piece of styrofoam which he quickly breaks over Hank's head as the bell rings.)
If anything, Hank looks a little confused by that
And well he should be! Zack not exactly a master of weapons when it comes to actually harming one's opponent. And Hank is letting him know with a significantly aggressive fist in the face!
And Zack looks like he wasn't counting on that. I guess he should have though. And now Hank picks Zack up and throws him into the turnbuckles. Let me tell you folks, that doesn't feel good at all!
I don't suppose it would, and I don't think Zack appreciated it all that much. And he doesn't like the suplex he just ate too much either! It isn't pretty right now.
But look- Zack firing back with a kick to the shins! And Hank is hopping mad! Ah, I kill me.
I don't know if that was such a good idea, really. Hank is likely to go even more wild if all "Soft Core" can do is irritate him. The best thing Zack can do is really try to put Hank away.
And it looks like that's what he's trying for with a hard clothesline! And now things are looking a little more even. Or not.
Big spear by Hank the instant he gets up on his feet and Zack is back down! And he's not going to get up anytime soon.
That's gonna rock the core of Soft Core, and that's the lower lattitude.
And now things are just not looking so good for "Soft Core" Zack. Hank making a throat slash and getting ready to do something... whatever it is it's going to be extremely unpleasant...
The crowd is looking pretty distracted... What the hell is going on? Who's that idiot? Is it a crazed fan?
No... it's... he's made his way to the ring... it's EDDIE MONEY! What on earth is he doing? The referee arguing with his ex-girlfriend who's showed up at ringside for no reason....
And Eddie Money takes a chair to Hank's head? Why?
EDDIE: This one's for you, Jeff!
And Eddie Money stealing away like a thief in the night! And Zack has no idea what's going
on... but he sees the opportnity and he's on the top rope like a shot!
Wow, a big moonsault by the Soft Core king! And a-one, two, three!
Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner... "SOFT CORE" ZACK!
And what a night it's been here, folks! And now it's time for the presentation- for the
first time ever- of the brand new Undefendable Belt!
And take a look at the Right Hand Man, my boss, on his way to the ring to make the presentation.
Okay folks, I know we're all eager to get out and start the rioting and looting once the lights go out and the World's infrastructure fails, so I'll keep it short and sweet. This here is the Undefendable Belt. You earn it by distinguishing yourself here in the STWF and it can't be taken away until the one month championship term expires. And tonight it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you a man who has indeed distinguished himself in recent times... the very FIRST Undefendable champion....
Sit down, Luke.
(Coma makes his way to the ring as plays. The Right Hand Man hands the belt off to Coma along with the mic and leaves.)
Well.... *NYOINK* I'm very *SPLARK* of this great *FLEEGLE* and I'll do my best to *GRONG-GRONG-GRONG* What else can I *NLYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH*
(Coma leaves, proudly displaying the belt and posturing for the fans, who are totally lost.)
Well folks, that's it for the millennium! This is Angus "Vince" McMadden
for Luke Warm saying enjoy the
And that's the lower lattitude.