Thursday Something or Other
It's Thursday. Wanna make Something-or-Other of it?

(We're in the Cowpie Palace tonight. The fans are jacked...up on E. We just couldn't get rid of the ravers from last night's Soggy Crakker concert. But they'll be good if they don't want a cattle prod up their...)

Yes, we're TV-14. Maybe higher. All this time off made us feel a little more irreverent.
Welcome, fans, to another great edition of Thursday Something-or-Other! Alongside me tonight is none other than the actively-retired octogenarian wrestler, Captain Twilight!
Greetings to all. Am I reading this correctly, Angus? An Intergalactic Title confrontation TONIGHT? Luke Warm in action against Mittens? The Agency and Black By Popular Demand...and it's NOT a dark match? Has the Ivory Tower taken some of that mind-altering drug, the effects of which I'm seeing in our audience?
Well, I'm not about to make value judgements on the STWF/CSTLL Executives. I say, let's just sit back and enjoy the ride, what do you say?
Sounds grand! I'll get my best spats on, and we'll...
The following contest, it is set for one fall. Wait a second, that grammar's terrible! *shrug* Making their way to the ring first, from Parts Classified, they are Sculder and Mully, they are eternally waiting for a win, they are...THE AGENCY!
(The strains of Catatonia sing them down. Mully hits the ring while Sculder investigates two attractive young girls at ringside, looking dazed and chewing on pacifiers. This goes on for quite some time until Mully drags him to the ring by the ear.)
Their opponents, representing Faces, Inc. and making their Thursday Something-or-Other debut, they're the phattest, funkiest, freshest mofos that'll 187 your a<-BLEEP->es if you don't give them some props...ugh, and it goes on like this! (throws away cards in frustration) BLACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!
("Got Yer Money" by ODB plays (he's such a quick sellout). Tyrone Mayhem and Jamal Tupac Mustafa enter through the curtain and stop at the entryway for effect. Jamal puts on a "Breathe Easy" strip and both men strut to the ring.)
A "Breathe Easy" strip? Can you believe this guy? He thinks it's going to help.
He could slap those things all over his body and it wouldn't help.
Actually, I think doing that would block off all your pores.
Hey! Y'all shut up, we wanna get started heah, yo!
***BONG.
New bell?
I don't have a clue. It's Jamal Tupac Mustafa versus Mully. Now, Cap, do we know for certain if Mully is male or female?
I don't know if anyone's bothered to ask. Frankly I think it's just another Virago wannabe.
Captain Twilight, Virago came AFTER Mully.
Oh...well this was so much easier in my day. When you weighed in, you knew EXACTLY what gender your opponent was. Weigh-ins in boxers indeed. And when the head booker of the company propositions the athletes, he KNOWS they're men...and I've said too much, haven't I?
Don't worry, Cap, nobody ever listens to you anyway. You're old. Mully with an armdrag takedown. Mully grabs Jamal's trunks for a vertical suplex...can't get him up...still can't get him up.
With Mully's looks, I'm not surprised. Or maybe Jamal's had that problem for a while. I hear there's a pill for that now?
(breaking the hold and going to the ropes) You gonna die, old man! And Viagra jokes are over a year old! HUNH!
OH LOOK! Mully just put a distracted Jamal into a small package! 1...2...ohhhh, so close. Jamal kicks Mully and goes to tag Tyrone Mayhem.
Tyrone, arguably the greatest athlete never to hold a belt in this sport. But he may just get the recognition he deserves when Der Kommissaar reveals his newest flop of an idea, the Undefendable Belt! It's basically a glorified "Employee of the Month" award, in belt form. Anyone who demonstrates superior improvement or skill will get their recognition for a month with a belt, then be forced to relinquish it after 30 days, to be given to another person.
Sounds pathetic.
Oh, it is.
Tyrone laying Mully to waste. There's a hurricanrana! He grabs the legs for a cover: 1...2...no. NO? What's going on with the Agency? They're actually trying. Mully tags in Sculder. High crossbody...and it lands? Hello? Tyrone gets up and gets his opponent in a headscissors. Sculder struggling, but he reaches the ropes.
The Agency might have a chance here. Wait, what's that noise? I hear vinyl scratching.
I hear it too. What do you suppose it is? Sweet merciful... it's Coma, the Breakdance Inferno! He's coming down to ringside with DJ Fled! And he's tearing up the aisle. The audience seems into it.
They seem out of it to me.
Coma: Neep neep squiggle, wiggy wiggy wack, process cheese and jump on a tack! Squids for Ben Johnson and Muommar Qadafi, and hey lookie here, my font colour spells "baffee"! Break it up!
(DJ Fled starts spinning "Brunette With a Bottle" by Christina Puttanera, teen pop's flavour of the month, in the extended remix format.)
Black By Popular Demand are livid!
Tyrone Mayhem: You makin' a mockery of sumpin' the "brothers" invented, yo! You don' wanna make us mad.
I don' care if you IS crazy, I'm'a still pop a cap in y'all.
Sculder and Mully seize the opportunity. They pick up Black By Popular Demand...double Samoan Drop! Two covers: 1...2...Jamal kicks out...but who's the legal man? I forgot. Well, the ref seems content to end it here.
Ladies and gentlemen, mark this day on your calendars...here are your winners...THE AGENCY!
I never thought I'd see the day.
Neither did I. Okay, up next is a match fit for...sarcasm... it's Virago, our overly-masculine female wrestler, making her debut appearance against the Tattooist. What do you think of this matchup, Cap?
I don't see them going out for longer than six months, Vince, but why do you ask?
Um...Lad? Get to the announcing already.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way down the aisle, accompanied by the Tall One, originally from Toronto, Ontario, now residing in Sturgis, here is THE TATTOOIST!
("Born to Be Wild" by Steppenwolf plays. The Tattooist rides his Harley to the ring. Unfortunately he actually decided to hit the gas pedal, and careens into the ringsteps.)
The Tattooist: MY CHOPPER! MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL CHOPPER! *sob*
His opponent, from Androscoggin County, Maine, weighing 281 lbs., she's the woman your daddy warned you about...this is VIRAGO!
("Man, I Feel Like a Woman" by Shania Twain plays. Virago enters, wearing a rather revealing outfit. She presses her breasts together for the camera, and brushes her stubble. She hits the ring.)
***CLANG.
Where is the Creepy Timekeeper getting these new bells?
Shhh...don't invoke his name. Well, not much is happening in the ring right now. The Tattooist still seems worried about his hog! OH, what a vicious clothesline from Virago! The Tattooist goes down with no resistance at all. Now he gets out of the ring. He's talking to the Tall One.
The Tattooist: I can't believe it's been hurt like this, man.
The Tall One: You can always buy a new one.
The Tattooist: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, MAN! This was like, like my baby, y'know?
The Tall One: It's okay. We can rebuild it. We have the technology!
The Tattooist: I don't have six million dollars.
The Tall One: Oh....oh. Then you're f<-BLEEP->ed.
The Tattooist: *SOB*
Virago: Oh, don't be such a p<-BLEEP->sy.
The Tattooist: Oh, just pin me, nothing matters anymore.
Virago slams the Tattooist's head against the iron barrier, and rolls him back in the ring. She's making motions toward her crotch, whatever might be there. Now she's dragging the Tattooist to the top rope, both in standing position, and down they go...
What's the move?
It's a top-rope atomic drop! Ooh, that's painful. I believe that's her finisher, the Viragonator. The Tattooist is out. Virago straddles his shoulders for the pin: 1...2...3!
What a woman!
Here is your winner...VIRAGO!
I wonder if anyone will complain that Virago only won because she has Ivory Tower backing.
They can't begrudge her a debut match, can they?
Time will tell. And here's our third match of the evening. "Mr. Black", originally "Soft Core" Zack, will be squaring off against Claude Leroux, who has been searching in vain for a personality as of late. He fears he needs a "hook" to get the fans excited.
I hear the Image Factory is chock full of bad ideas. He should try them.
This is a contest which is scheduled for one fall. Making his way first, accompanied by his director, Tentin Quarentino, here is the character actor that puts Harvey Keitel to shame..."MISTER BLACK"!
("Stuck in the Middle With You" by Stealers Wheel plays as Mister Black comes to the ring in his new suit and TQ is filming his entrance on Super-8.)
His opponent, from Parts To Be Determined, the Man With No Discernible Identity, here is CLAUDE "MR. LIGHTNING" LEROUX!
(No theme music. Claude enters in jeans and sneakers.)
***ding-da-ding-da-ding. BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!
With that, Mister Black goes at Claude and there's a big elbow. Snapmare takeover by Mister Black. Claude Leroux answers with a scoop slam after getting up. Elbowdrop and an early cover: 1...2...no.
Haven't seen many get pinned that quickly anyway. You know it's not really going to be over unless there's a finisher involved or some kind of distraction, roll-up thing. You know what I'm talking about.
Well not exactly, but I'll let it slide. Mr. Black with a belly-to-back suplex. He goes to the top rope...double axehandle from the top. Leroux now, he's got a sleeperhold on!
Rather appropriate for this federation wouldn't you say?
No, I wouldn't, because I know who pays me. Mr. Black's arm is being lifted once...twice...it's in the air. Elbow, elbow, bounces off the ropes, leapfrog, back again, ducked, one more time, clothesline! Missed the mark completely. The audience is wondering what the hell happened there. Leroux just back-kicked Mr. Black! The cover: 1...2...no. Mr. Black is up. He's going for a piledriver...but he can't quite attempt it...Claude just flipped over and the tables are turned! No, wait, it's happening again, Mr. Black is in control once again...piledriver! I think this could be it! 1...2...3! Yes! It is!
Hmm...that was over a little quickly. How else are we going to fill the time?
Looks like Tentin Quarentino's not done. He's bringing a chair and a rope to the ring!
A good ol'-fashioned chairin' and rope-whippin'! Just like the old days! I feel so young!
TQ is setting up the chair and seating "Mr. Lightning" in it. Now he's being tied up...
I don't like the direction THIS is going...
He's handing Mister Black a razor blade... they're cuing up the theme music.
TQ: Alright, you f<-BLEEP->in' know what to do, right? Just like we talked about. Go on! Cut the f<-BLEEP->er's f<-BLEEP->in' ear off!
Mister Black: But WHY? This doesn't make any sense.
TQ: I'll f<-BLEEP->in' tell you what makes f<-BLEEP->in' sense. Cutting this f<-BLEEP->'s ear! It looks cool! Come on, cut him!
Mister Black Sorry, Tentin, I can't do this. It's just not me. I'm afraid I'm going to have to fire you. It's been fun, but you're crazy and this is all going too far.
TQ: What? I f<-BLEEP->in' brought back your f<-BLEEP->in' career! This is how you f<-BLEEP->in' treat me? Fine, you little sh<-BLEEP->, I can do just f<-BLEEP->in' fine without your f<-BLEEP->in' sorry a<-BLEEP->.
Mister Black: Do you have to swear so much?
TQ: I...uh...SHUT THE F<-BLEEP-> UP!
That's the end of that.
Both men leaving in separate directions.
I wonder what'll happen to Mister Black or "Soft Core" Zack now that he's no longer under Tentin Quarentino's direction.
I don't know, but I hear Tentin Quarentino may be hooking up with Pain and Pleasure to help their movie career. Sir Hungalot in "the Hairy B<-BLEEP->ch Project" and Jean Bannister will be trying his hand at films with "Expert Stickhandling". But those are just weak rumours.
VERY weak.
Next up, it's Luke Warm and Mittens!
This contest is scheduled for one fall - I hope. First, from Portland Oregon, he is one half of the STWF/MBC/RDWA "3-4-1" tag team champions...here is MITTENS!
("Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" plays. Mittens enters and starts slapping kids upside the head for no good reason other than he's a heel. Boos.)
His opponent, from Bumbledink, Texas, representing Faces, Incorporated...LUKE WARM!
(The sounds of stuff breaking fill the arena...and a huge crowd pop, even from these zoned teens.)
Wait! Behind you, Luke! It's Neige Thirteen! And he's got a snowboard!
Neige Thirteen and Luke brawling in the aisle. Mittens is coming down, and it's going three ways! Mittens and Luke Warm and Neige...
Oh my!
(receives glare from Vince)
Someone had to say it.
Someone else is coming down the aisle. It's the other tag team champion, Billy Polar! He'll serve as the peacemaker here. He's looking back and forth between Luke Warm and Neige Thirteen...
He's not sure which one to attack!
In a fit of confusion, the Lite Death picks up Neige and carries him away, leaving Luke and Mittens in the aisle.
Leave it to the luchadores to restore order. Those guys never change.
That is wrong in so many ways, Cap, but I'll chalk it up to senility. Luke Warm and Mittens eventually making their way over to the apron...
Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has ruled this match a DOUBLE COUNT-OUT!
Mittens: Double count-out? Mittens didn't hear no bell!
Luke Warm: Neither did I! And Mama Warm's boy didn't raise no fools.
Creepy Timekeeper: Eeeeh. Dog whistle.
DOG WHISTLE?!
Well, there were different bells. Why not use a whistle to start the match?
The least they could have done was give something audible.
Luke Warm: Wait! I didn't give a STONECUTTER to anyone yet!
Mittens: Don't look at Mittens.
Luke Warm: NEIGE! COME BACK! I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING! (runs to the back)
Luke Warm is never satisfied until he applies his finisher to something...whether it's televised or not.
That's absolutely right. So here's our final match of the evening. Two members of the Heelside Stranglers, in a vain attempt by Der Kommissaar to split up the stable. Both men are in the ring...and we're down to our time-constraint rules...you know what THAT means...
We get screwed out of ring entrances?
Bingo.
***DING-doo-DING-doo-ding-a-lee ICE CREAM GETCHER ICE CREAM HEEEEEAH!
Did someone say ice cream?
Bohemoth has just left the ring to grab himself a cone. Where that ice cream guy came from I have no idea.
I could have sworm they had metal detectors for things like that.
Metal detectors for ice cream?
What's all this about ice cream then?
Bohemoth could get himself counted out if he's not careful...and if we have two count-out matches in a row these fans could riot.
THESE fans? These fans probably don't know today is Thursday if there weren't a lot of signs posted up to say it was.
It's Thursday? Feels like Friday to me. Dr. SMP is trying to get Bohemoth back in the ring...yeah, that's going to work.
Go AWAY! I'm eating!
Bohemoth just slammed Dr. Plants' back into the ringpost and rolled him into the ring. He sticks the rest of the cone in his mouth and gets in the ring himself. The Big Bo now, valiantly trying to balance himself on the top buckle... and a HUGE Bohemoth-sized splash! Get out the spatula...we're gonna need it. Bohemoth hooks the leg: 1...2...3! He retains the Intergalactic Championship.
We're still friends, but if you call me fat again, you'll get more of the same.
SMP: *Urk* Kay...it's all good...*cough*
*Yawn* I'm sleepy. Are we done here?
Unless there's other business...
There sure is! But it can wait until after the show.
Great. On Monday Nae Trous, you'll get more of the same crap, and Tyfook makes his debut appearance! Wait, that probably COULD be considered "more of the same crap". The Circus Freaks take on Billy Polar and Mittens for the 2/3 3-4-1 match. And more! So we'll see you then. Or something.
© 1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre