Hello Everyone, and welcome to another edition of Thursday Something or Other!
I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and with me as always in the broadcast booth is the ever dusty Captain Twilight!
Hi again Vince. We've got quite the little card for you here tonight-- A debut match seeing Mr. Intensity in his first STWF appearance taking on the Organ Grinder. Then we've got Billy Polar, the new sweetheart of the STWF, taking on BILL.
Two jobber matches back-to-back! Already it sounds like a mind-numbing card! Then we've got the Pencil-Necked Geek squaring off against the Violent Pacifist... and then in the main event of the night-- Luke Warm and the IG Champ, The Tiger, go up against the evil that is Sergeant Genocide and Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!
Yeah. Mind-numbing indeed. Let's get it underway, shall we?
Ladies and gentlemen, this is our opening bout.
Already in the ring,
because no one cares when he gets here, accompanied by Fred J. Kokomo, Jr., THE ORGAN
And his opponent, from parts unknown and no doubt unsavory, welcome to
the STWF, MR. INTENSITY!
And his opponent, from parts unknown and no doubt unsavory, welcome to the STWF, MR. INTENSITY!
(Mr. Intensity comes to the ring from under the Monstron. He looks... intense.)
MR. INTENSITY: GYAAAAAAGH!
And just listen to the reception for Mr. Intensity! What a match this
MR. INTENSITY: HEY! ORGAN GRINDER! ARE YOU INTENSE? HUH BOY ARE YA?
Well let's just assume there's a reception, shall we? Looks like Intensity is ready to start things off here.... staring down the Organ Grinder in a very spooky way.
Wouldja look at the bulging eyes on that guy? And is it just me, or is the Creepy Timekeeper looking strangely aroused?
MR. INTENSITY: HEY! ORGAN GRINDER! ARE YOU INTENSE? HUH BOY ARE YA? HAH!
OG: I have a monkey!
This is getting really odd really early.
MR. INTENSITY: CAN YOUR MONKEY DO THIS?!?!?!
Good God! Intensity has a knife! He's-- lord!
INTENSITY: ORGAN GRINDER! HA! YOU WANNA SEE AN ORGAN GRINDER? I GOT
YOUR ORGAN GRINDER RIGHT HERE, BABY!
Mr. Intensity slicing his gut open with the knife. And now he's got some sort of apparatus he's- where the heck did he get that?
Must be the same trick Luke Warm does... I wonder if they're related? It looks like a meat grinder... you don't....
Good God! Intensity has a knife! He's-- lord!
INTENSITY: ORGAN GRINDER! HA! YOU WANNA SEE AN ORGAN GRINDER? I GOT YOUR ORGAN GRINDER RIGHT HERE, BABY!
Oh my GOD! Mr. Intensity taking his own entrails from the wound in his midsection and stuffing them in the meat grinder! This is too much! And it looks like the Organ Grinder thinks so too! He's passed out!
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, with the... well, the only one still conscious, MR. INTENSITY!
And what a gruesome picture he paints as he heads off to the back, leaving a little trail of who knows what while the EMTs drag OG off by one ankle.
Well, folks, that was nice. Next match of the evening, set for one fall. Making his way to the ring even as we speak... the man they call BILL!
Is it just me or does BILL seem....
You aren't kidding! BILL looks somehow more possessed of resolve than we've ever seen him. It defies explanation, but I think tonight just might be his night! Just look at the aura BILL is giving off!
That's me... I'm no spring chicken anymore, you know. But yeah, BILL actually looks like a wrestler tonight! I can't explain it either...
And his opponent, you know you love him, now see him live, BILLY POLAR!
(Billy comes out to a cascade of yays and boos. The drunken fratboys love this guy.)
And the match is just about on... I just can't get over how ferocious
BILL looks. Billy Polar is actually looking intimidated. BILL is a
changed man! He is ready to take the winner's purse tonight!
What's that over there? Who's that sacheting to the ring?
It's Patrick "The Finger" Patrickson!
All right, Polar, ya muddaf<-BLEEP->, you'se gone on and on long enough... you sit dere and talk about da booking team and juzzabout everyt'ing else... constantly... sev-er-al time a day... and I 'ave 'ad all I can stand! You're up againzz ME tonight, Polar! BILL.... hit da showers!
Was Patrickson giggling when he said that?
Probably. BILL slinking off disappointed...
It really looked like tonight was his night.
OH! He's slipped on something MR. Intensity dropped on his way back a few minutes ago.
And it looks like a nasty compound fracture BILL sustained on the way down! Well, that's consistency for you. Off he goes on the stretcher. Guess he didn't change all that much when all's said and done.
The bell has rung, so now Billy Polar and Patrick "The Finger" Patrickson are set to go at it.
How right you are....
Behave. Armbar by Billy Polar, trying to muscle Patrickson around. Oh, but The Finger turns around and hits Polar with a big slam! Whoda thunk the old guy had it in him?
Old? He's not so old. His best years are ahead of him, you young fool!
Everything's relative, Cap... Billy Polar ack on the offensive with a takedown and some stomps... Patrickson squealing, perhaps in pain...
But Patrickson is struggling to his feet! Punches from Patrickson and a mighty clothesline takes Billy Polar down! Patrickson going for... the cover? After one clothesline?
Looks that way... or not. I don't think he's going for the cover, per se. Oh my.
Oh this is just wrong. We don't need this. Polar throwing Patrickson off him with authority here!
Desperate measures from Billy Polar here. Not to suggest he's in danger of losing the bout, but there's lots of different kinds of desperation. In fact, I think Patrickson's last move was a kind of desperation, but Polar's escape from the move was a totally different kind.
This is all very fascinating, but until Uncle Ted handles the payroll, can we just call the match?
They've spilled out of the ring now... they're on the other other side of us... we can't quite see what's going on over there. What's Patrickson doing?
Oh my goodness! Patrick Patrickson has just deivered his patented
"finger" to Billy Polar! And Polar is completely out of sorts!
I think he kinda liked it...
Oh, will you stop?
Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has determined that he is thoroughly grossed out and has ruled this bout a no contest!
Well that was something we certainly didn't need
to see. We have "The Finger" to thank for that one.
All right, next on the docket for this evening- wait.... What's this? What have we here? The ring seems to be filling with scraps of colored paper? We can't see a thing in the ring!
Yeah well maybe that's not such a bad thing... if only it'd happened before Billy Polar found his way down here.
Wait... it's clearing now... who's that in the ring? Where the heck did he come from? Good Lord what an ugly man!
(The mysterious stranger has a mike, of course.)
COMBATANT: The vicissitrosity of magitudinous cantrostification is upon us. Only the true COMBATANT will survive; the rest-- shall perish in the warmifications of Hades. But it is not the STWF and its flagellationistic perpendicularities that will extinguiscate the flames.... it is the moisturosity of the true COMBATANT that will extinguify the fire in the villanitudinous soul. And so, my COMBATANTS, the time is upon us forthwithly! JOIN MEEEEEEE!
(The crowd is stone silent.)
This might be the stupidest thing I've ever seen. We never would have stood for this in my day.
COMBATANT: And so the COMBATANT has expoundifitrated his verbosicosities upon you. Now consider my ponderamifications.
The ring is filling with streamers and glittery bits again...
Ten bucks says he'll be gone before the stuff clears out of the ring.
If we're lucky.
Hello. I'm Christopher Walken. It has recently come to my attention
that some individuals in the STWF do not completely understand the
principle behind what a roleplay is. I have seen those who would write
a roleplay that points out that their roleplay is in fact a roleplay. I
do not like this. Someone did this to me once and I beat him until he
begged me to let him die....
Please, do not put yourself in this situation. If you are in character, and you are addressing other characters, do not refer to their roleplays as such. Individuals who do this make me unhappy. Such individuals should have their skulls crushed and be left to die in the street like a dog.
I'm Christopher Walken.
Ladies and gentlemen, now introducing, representing the Evil Alliance, and weighing in at a slightly-malnourished 115 lbs., the PENCIL NECKED GEEK!
Geek making his way to the ring and looking very determined.
And his opponent, from Seattle, Washington, the former North American Champion, THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
And so the match is underway. The geek starting things off with a flurry of
punches... pencil-necked he is, but the kid is fast.
Well, VP is a pretty big guy... he can't be so wispy and quick like the little geek. OH! And he doesn't need to be!
Short clothesline by VP sends the Geek to the mat pretty quick. Did you have shots ike that in your day, Cap?
Of course.... but we took 'em like men! We didn't even call spots half the time since we all knew we were so damn tough!
Well thanks for the history lesson, Cap. VP mounting quite an offense here, nice shoulderblock waiting for the Geek when he got to his geechy little feet. Stomping now... and VP pulling the Geek up by the head getting ready to mete out some more punishment, even though he hates violence so much.
What's this? Someone's crawling around ringside...
Oh, that's just COMBATANT. I think he just got bored waiting around under the ring, so I guess it's off to the locker room for him. At least he's kind enough to try and be surreptitious about it....
Uh-huh. Willya look at that? The Geek with a rake to the face- that'll take some of the sauce out of the Pacifist!
Geek with a big headbutt and the Violent Pacifist goes down! But that didn't look like much of a shot given the size difference between the two.
Geek going to the top rope... looks like he's going for the aerial attack here. What's VP doing on his feet?
I told you he didn't get hit that hard! He was faking the Geek out!
In the business we refer to that as "playing possum" or "telegraphing" a move...
Right. Anyway, VP meets the Geek with a shot to the gut and the Geek lands astride the top rope in classic sports entertainment fashion! VP up on the ropes to meet the geek-- NINE INCH NAILER! OH, THE HUMANITY! 1..... 2.... 3!!!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
Well, that was certainly nice and quick. Here's a commercial. I don't understand commercials anymore... I watch them and I see that people are doing things, but what are they selling?
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the main event of the
night. Please welcome to the ring, from Kiev, Ukraine... SERGEANT
And now approaching the ring, his tag team partner, from Naples, Italy,
weighing in at - hmm...the card is blank there. I knew we shouldn't have
let StreetMime write my cue cards - Uh... DR. SILLACONNE M.
And now approaching the ring, his tag team partner, from Naples, Italy, weighing in at - hmm...the card is blank there. I knew we shouldn't have let StreetMime write my cue cards - Uh... DR. SILLACONNE M. PLANTS!
Plants and Genocide talking to each other... neither one looks all that thrilled to be paired with the other. You'd think they'd have some sense of unity here since they're going after the common enemy.
And now ladies and gentlemen, welcome their opponents. Representing Faces, Inc., here are Luke Warm and The Tiger-- FACE TO FACE!
(The sound of stuff breaking sampled and mixed to the tune of "Intergalactic" plays while the team moseys to the ring to the popping of the crowd.)
Looks like they've come up with a name for
themselves now too.
Double thumbs up by Luke.... The crowd is going crazy for these guys! And they're in the ring and they look ready to fight. The Tiger and Sergeant Genocide in the ring to start off... A lot of bad blood between these two, you know.
Nice forearm smash by The Tiger. He's on a tear now with a series of punches and kicks, not giving Genocide any chance to compose an offense here.
But look! Plants is in the ring and catches The Tiger with a shot to the back! Luke Warm coming in to stop him, and the referee is blocking Luke from getting in the ring!
Funny how that always seems to happen....
Two on one against The Tiger now and Plants is holding the champ while Genocide punches away. Genocide off the ropes now... OH! The Tiger ducks and th villans collide with each other! TIGER DRIVER ON PLANTS! TIGER DRIVER ON GENOCIDE!
Early pinning attempt here- Tiger's going for the pin on Genocide and Plants has rolled out of the ring. But the referee is still tied up with Luke Warm!
The referee finally getting back into the match now, making the count. 1..... 2... kickout by Genocide. The ref just spent too much time away form the action and the Sergeant has recovered. Both men back to their feet, trading blows. Genocide with an inverted atomic drop! Tiger might be walking funny tomorrow!
And Sergeant Genocide takes advantage of it and tags out. Plants and Tiger in the ring now... Tiger is a little wobbly. Big shot to the chops by the Doctor. Bodyslam takes the champ down. Plants off the ropes to- ooh! Plants stopped by Luke Warm as he was bouncing off the ropes!
Very good move by Luke to be on the apron to get a shot off on Plants just then.
Interesting to note... Luke is the only one in this match other than the ref who's never held the IG title.
He's never needed it. He's so over that he could call himself "The People's Champion" if it wouldn't get us sued.
You don't suppose disappearing for months at a time is any help, do ya?
Could be. Ooh, Tiger with a nice takedown on Plants. Looks like he's ready to put this thing away. Ambling over to Luke-- hot tag!
It's not like Plants was right on top of him... I'd call it a tepid tag at best.
And Plants uses the time to get to his corner and tag out. Luke Warm and Sergeant Genocide in the ring now... these two have had a lot of bad blood between them for quite some time, but they've never squared off in a one-on-one confrontation. And boy does Luke Warm relish confrontation.
Don't say "relish." We've made it all the way to the main event without Gary Gourmando finding his way out here, and we certianly don't want to do anything to call attention to ourselves.
Armdrag takedown by Genocide followed up with a mean series of stomps. Scoop slam on Luke, my goodness he's taking it to the bald guy!
Well this just shows you why Genocide is a former IG champ, folks. The competition here in the STWF is defnintely taking it to the next level.
Genocide going for the vertical suplex... and it worked about as well as Captain Twilight trying to be hip just now! Reversal by Luke Warm! He's got Genocide high in the air and he sends him to the mat at the speed of gravity! Both men up- Luke wants to keep going on Genocide, but he'll have nothing of it! Tag to Dr. Plants!
DR. PLANTS: What the hell, man? You took
one suplex and you're tagging out? When do I get a chance to get my wind
SGT. GENOCIDE: I choose to concern myself with other things. Don't whine.
Well that certianly wasn't the most encouraging
sign for the team of Plants and Genocide!
I'll say.. Dr. Plants still not looking to eager to get in the ring after all the action he's seen so far... stepping gingerly towards Luke Warm. Ooh! Big kick by Luke right into a backbreaker! Plants writhing in pain on the mat!
Guess Luke Warm doesn't like ginger very much.
I don't suppose. But what's this? Genocide walking away from the ringside area now...
SGT. GENOCIDE: I can't believe this. You sicken me. This is what I get for teaming with the genetically inferior. Consider my involvement in this debacle over!
Geocide taking a hike... apparently he's not happy with Dr. Plants and his performance here tonight! And Plants is staggering to his feet... and he doesn't look too happy either.
DR. PLANTS: Get back here you weenie! You can't do this to me! I'm the true champ, dammit!
Silaconne M. Plants out of the ring chasing after Sergeant Genocide right now.
Luke and the Tiger still standing in the ring. They seem a little confused.
Maybe a little bored.
The ref has been counting here folks, and I guess he's signalling for the bell!
Ladies and gentlemen, your winners, by a count-out... FACE TO FACE!
LUKE: WHAT THE HELL! I DIDN'T AGREE TO THIS! I'M
NOT GOING HOME 'TIL SOMEONE GETS A STONECUTTER!
TIGER: Hey, don't look at me, man....
This is gonna get messy....
Luke Warm is absolutely livid! He's put the STONECUTTER on someone or something in every contest he's ever entered in the STWF and he's none too pleased with the thought that he won't get to tonight! He's coming over here! He's go-
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre