Thursday Something Or Other #13
Boy do we got some weirdness in store for you!
WARNING: The following program contains mature
subject matter, and it's going to get REALLY tasteless tonight. For all
intents and purposes this program is rated TV-M, so viewer discretion is
Well folks, here we are again for another "Thursday
Something Or Other",
this time at the beautiful National Stadium in Valletta, Malta! I'm
Angus "Vince" McMadden, and with me again is my colour man the
I'm the only colour man in the business whose colour is
pink! Well, Sugarplum Harry doesn't commentate.
'Flower, isn't this country just beautiful? This is my first visit to
the Mediterranean and I must say I'm totally captivated!
Listen, boyfriend, I don't care too much for this
country's inhabitants at all! They all smell very odd, and even I
would find it difficult to have meaningless sexual liaisons with some of
the fellows here!
First of all, I'm not your "boyfriend". Secondly, we have many great
Maltese fans, as proven by this capacity crowd!
Angus, this stadium seats 97 people.
Well folks, we're not exactly sure what the first match tonight is.
Patrick "the Finger" Patrickson, the Head Booker in the STWF, has
told everyone backstage because he's setting tonight's card by lottery
system, to commemorate the oddness of this, the 13th TSO! The wrestlers
in the back won't know who they're facing until they hear their music
played over the loudspeaker in the stadium!
Don't you mean loudspeakers?
Nope, this stadium's only equipped with one. Patrick also tells us that
tonight's the night "Softcore" Zack will get his promised "shoot" fight
with Sergeant Genocide for the IG belt, which he acquired when he gave up
the NA belt in a fit of disgust over
Patrick's questionable booking! Tonight's the night he gets his chance
to prove either that the politics in this fed are corrupt, or that he's
not yet ready for Main Event status. Well, I'm getting word from the
back that the first match is set, so now we hand it over to Announcer Lad.
Introducing first, from Portland, Oregon, weighing
in at 452 pounds, Mittens the Mannerless!
(Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star plays as the #2 contender to the IG belt
makes his way to the ring. The fans are throwing fried cheese pastries,
known here as "pastizzis", at Mittens. Never one to pass up a free meal,
Mittens scoops a couple off the ring mat. After close inspection of the
pastries, however, he decides to rethink this philosophy and discards
And his opponent, representing the Inner Circle, from Camden, Maine,
the Organ Grinder
(The Organ Grinder runs out from the back with a wide grin on his face.
He must feel great that now he has a chance to earn a contenders spot for
the Intergalactic championship!)
Here we go! Organ Grinder grabs the much larger Mittens and throws him
to the mat with a snap mare! A legdrop! Mittens never expected an
opponent this charged! Grinder picks up Mitens from the mat and... spike
piledriver! What adrenaline! The Organ Grinder wants to take full
advantage of this opportunity to join his fellow Circler the Tiger on the
IG contenders list!
You know why they call him the Organ Grinder don't
Why's that, "Flower?
Because he likes grinding on other guys'
Aw come on! That isn't true!
Yes it is! I read I read it on the Flashboard once!
This fed is more gay than you want to admit, Angusss!
You're being stupid.
Well then why does he bring a monkey to the ring then?
So he can SPANK IT! By the way, where is J. Fred Kokomo, Jr?
He didn't clear customs. Grinder grabbing Mittens' rather large legs.
What's this? A Texas Cloverleaf! The ref is checking to see if the big
man will submit... but he kicks out of it, propelling the Organ Grinder
outside the ring! Mittens quick to follow him to the outside. Picks up
the Inner Circler and whips him into the steel ringpost! Picks him up
again.. and a bodyslam onto the steel ring steps!
Isn't anything around here made of aluminum? It is
No. Mittens drags his opponent back into the ring. Standing behind the
fallen Organ Grinder... could it be? It is! The Glove! Grinder doesn't
have a chance!
The winner of this match, as a result of a submission,
MITTENS THE MANNERLESS!
Wow. Mittens retains his #2 contendership, but just barely! More of TSO
after this brief sponsored message.
WWN Online. For all your World Wrestling Niewojt needs!
Check it out
here! Not an e-fed exactly, but just as ficticious.
Not for everyone; for madmen only, price of admission your
Softcore Games is near. Buy it. It'll be good, or at the least average.
And we're back. That was brief. We here can't wait for that
star-studded event! And now to our next suprise match!
This Triple Threat match is scheduled for one fall!
Introducing first, from Newark, New Jersey, Necro Phil!
("Last Dance with Mary Jane" plays. The fans react indifferently, as all
of Phil's TV appearances have been edited out by the local stations.
Gives them more time for wine commercials.)
Introducing next, from Brooklyn, New York, Irving Goldstein!
(Hava Nagila plays. Fans boo. Irving gives the thumbs down on his
way to the ring)
And finally, from Intercourse, Pennsylvania, Homicidal Hank!
(I'm Going Slightly Mad is barely heard over the cheers. Apparently Hank
is big in Malta.)
Oh boy! i love threesomes! But what's with Hank's
popularity here? This crowd is going mental!
I don't know, but everytime I turn on a TV here is see him endorsing this
and promoting that. We must ask him next time what the deal is with
that, and how I can get some of that action...I mean, nevermind. The
three combatants are circling the ring. Hank starts it off by putting
Phil in a side headlock! Phil looks like he's suffering... but wait!
Reverses it into a belly-to-back bridge suplex! 1...2....and Irving
breaks it up! Phil going after Irving now. He's grabs the old Jew and
gives him a brainbuster! The pin attempt: 1....2.... and Hank drops an
elbow on Phil breaking the count! Looks like Necro Phil's eager to end
this one quick!
Of course! He wants to get out of this piece of crap
country ASAP, and I don't blame him!
Phil grabs Hank and tries to whip him into the corner, but its reversed,
sending Phil over the turnbuckle and outside the ring! Now Hank turns to
Irving! Irving takes off, jumping to outside the ring to avoid Hank's
rage! The Homicidal One chases Goldstein around the outside of the ring,
past the fallen and seemingly unconscious Phil. They run around the ring
again.... and this time around Phil greets Hank with a steel chair as
Irving leaps into the ring! Now its Phil's turn to chase Steingold, as
the Jew doesn't seem very eager tonight to deal with NP's perversions!
Another lap around the ring! And another! Finally Hank regains his
senses and stands to meet Necro Phil, and the two combatants collide as
Goldstein enters the ring one more time!
("Boring" chants start)
They're not buying this, Angus!
Yes they are! They're yelling "imjorning", which I think is Maltese for
Hank and Phil get up and face the ring. They face Goldstein, who seems
to be in some discomfort in the ring.
He gabbing his chest, Angus. This can't be good.
Hank and Phil enter the ring, and they're staring at Irving, who seems to experiencing extreme discomfort. Necro Phil is whispering in Hank's ear.... Hank's nodding. What's going to happen here?
Uh oh. This don't look good for Goldstein!
Homicidal Hank is walking over to the writhing Irving Goldstein. He's
winding up... HEART PUNCH! Oh my God! Get some Emergency Medical Staff
out to the ring right away! The ref's checking on Irving, but Phil
shoves him away! What's this? Phil is pulling down Irving's trunks
and.... GOOD GOD!!! This is disgusting! And Hank's just
standing there laughing! What pigs!
I told you this fed is more homesexual than you'd like
***bell rings several times, in a vain attempt to stop Phil. It ain't
working one bit.
Phil's rabid necrophilia has simply gone too far this time! But what's
this!?! Jeffrey Steingold has arrived in the ring, and he's cleaning
Hank and Phil are taking off down the ramp! Jeffrey kneels and watches
over his fallen brother in the middle of the ring! The Medical staff have
finally arrived to the ring, and, naturally, are cleaning off Irving!
Ladies and Gentlemen, we're taking a commercial break now while the
medics take care of Irving.
Meatnsaucy Powdered Gravy. Looks good. Tastes
good. Smells good. Bonds to flesh good too.
Well we're back. We've just talked to a member of the medical staff who
tended to Irving Goldstein, and he stated that Irving was suffering from
a heart attack from running around the ring, and Hank's punch was enough
to stop all vital signs. They have managed to restore a regular
heartbeat, however, and he should be ok. He's now being watched in the
hospital by his brother Jeffrey Steingold. And now Jamal Tupac Mustafa
has caught up with Necro Phil and Homicidal Hank in the dressing room.
Jamal: Man, why'd you two honkies have ta do
sumtin' stoopid like dat fo', yo'?
Necro Phil: Man, its been so long since I got some "action"! Ha!
Homicidal Hank: What a great experience! When Phil and I saw Irving was
having a heart attack he turned to me and said "You like making people
dead, I like doing them dead. How about we kill two birds with one
stone?" A greater idea was never fashioned!
Necro Phil: That's right Hank. Goldstein, you my b<-BLEEP->ch now.
Steingold, you got a problem with that? If so Hank and I will take care
of you like we took care of your brother!
Homicidal Hank: Phil, I've got the perfect name for our partnership:
Kill 'em and Fill em!
Necro Phil: I like "Hang 'em and Bang 'em!" better. Ha!
Man, dese two honkies are totally whack! I'm
gone. See ya later! I don' need dis.
What do you make of all this, Sunflower?
Let's just get the next match started. I don't get
paid by the hour.
This match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing
first, from Springfield, Illinois, BILL!
(1812 overture plays. Bill looks pumped as he walks out, not knowing who
his opponent will be, but ready to lay on a beating.)
And his opponent, from Richmond, Virginia, the Tiger!
(Tiger arrives with Eye of the Tiger playing, and a huge pop to boot. He
doesn't seem to notice, though, based on the stern expression on his
Look at the intensity on these two warriors' faces! The lockup. BILL
with an armwrench... and a short-armed clothesline on the Tiger! Now he
whips the former football star to the corner. A big splash by BILL!
Don't we book squash matches anymore?
You really want to get out of here, don't you?
Well it doesn't look like I'm going to get any action
from you, boyfriend!
Tiger is visibly weary. BILL picking up Tiger in a scoopslam... but Tiger
slips out into a rear grapple on BILL! A sleeperhold! BILL's arms are
flailing in the air, gradually getting weaker! 1.............2.....and
there's some life still in BILL. Elbow drives into the sternum of Tiger
loosens the hold! BILL running off the ropes...flying forearm! The
cover: 1...2...and a kickout! BILL, wasting no
time, heads up to the top turnbuckle to futher punish his fallen opponent.
Tiger was playing possum, and he intercepts BILL on the top rope and
throws him onto the mat! Tiger's signalling to the crowd, and that can
only mean one thing! Picks up BILL.... Tiger Rack! BILL's had
enough! I think his spine cracked too. That's the BILL injury of the
week, we'll show that on the highlight reel.
The winner of this match, as result of a submission,
Tiger taking care of business once again. The question is does he have
what it takes to be this company's champ again?
Who cares?! The only thing on my mind right now is
getting on the first plane to North America!
Well the Main Event is next, 'Flower, and you'd have to think that
Genocide has a bit of a home-field advantage, being from Europe and with
Meatnsaucy Mansion just a couple hours away.
Yeah, Angus, but look at the fans' signs. They hate
him here. I don't care how many hours Genocide saved getting here! This
is no home-field for him! Plus, Zack has nothing to lose and everything
to gain, and Genocide has no booker, executive, or sponsor to fall back
on this time because this is a "shoot" match! I predict a Softcore IG
title reign very soon!
Well let's let Announcer Lad handle the ring introductions, then.
Ladies and gentlemen, this "Shoot" match is scheduled
for one fall, and is for the STWF Intergalactic belt! First the
challenger, from Ames, Iowa, the fearless Soft Core Zack!
(Zack comes to the ring, dragging with him a dumpster full of styrofoam
peanuts, plywood planks, and panes of sugar glass. The crowd sounds like
it wants to see a belt change hands tonight, judging by the pop Zack's
And his opponent, from Kiev, Ukraine, representing the Rogue's Gallery,
the STWF Intergalactic Champion, Sergeant Genocide!
(Sergeant Genocide makes his way too the ring, not looking very confident
at all. Much garbage is thrown his way. He ducks to avoid the
projectiles, but most of it ends up hitting him in the back
If I were Genocide I'd kill "the Finger" for making
such a crazy stipulation! I mean what's the use being a Gallery-ite
unless you can circumvent the system?
Good point, 'Flower. Well it looks like we're set for a barnburner!
Genocide waving off Zack, motioning for him to go home. Zack doesn't
seem at all intimidated to be face to face with the Intergalactic
Champion. Zack walking towards Sarge, the tie-up, and a killer DDT by the
challenger! Genocide up quickly... but he's hit with a SoftCore©
lariat that sends him back to the mat! Genocide's looking not nearly as
superior as he makes himself out to be! And Zack with a half-crab on the
champ for good measure!
Too close to the ropes Angus!
That's right, because Sarge just grasped the bottom one! Zack's being
instructed by the ref to break the hold. Genocide back on his feet.
Runs wildly towards Zack... who monkey-flips him over the top rope and
into the dumpster sitting outside the ring!
Styrofoam confetti everywhere! What a move by the Softcore One! The
ref is checking to see if Sarge is ok. What's this?!
Looks like trouble!
Très Sheik and douja enter the ring from the crowd! WHAM! Sheik
just blindsided the ref with an oar! Zack going after Sheik, but douja
intercepts him and now both Gallery-ites are wailing away on with
punches and kicks! Zack's being pounded to
the mat! But look! The Immortal Shapes are running to the ring! Sheik
drops his oar, and takes off with douja to the back, followed closely by
Spheros and Square! Genocide is now emerging from the dumpster, and
enters the ring. The ref's still knocked out, but Zack looks like he's
coming to! Genocide, not wasting such an opportunity bends down to pick
Sheik's discarded oar! But look who's here now! The Pencil Necked Geek!
Zack slowly getting up, Genocide's winding up... but PNG rips the oar
out of the champ's hands just before he let it go on Zack! Genocide,
shocked, turns to face the Pencil-Necked Geek, who's waving his index
finger in a "no-no" fashion! Zack back to his feet now! No!!!!
PNG just slammed the oar over Zack's head! What's going on?!?
I'll never understand heels.
Look! Genocide and the Geek are hugging! This is disgusting! Geek is
slapping the ref back to consciousness! He's coming to, and he rises to
see Genocide, wearing a broad smile, pinning Zack with one foot.
And another one bites the dust! And we all thought a
shoot fight would even the playing field!
The winner of this match, and Stiiiiiiiiiill STWF
Intergalactic Champion, SERGEANT GENOCIDE!
And look at this! The member of the Rogue's Gallery and Tri-Lambda are
walking out arm-in-arm! Genocide and the Geek are still embracing! the
Rogue has the stick...
Rogue: Hey, losers, did we have you fooled or what?
What do you get when you merge the two most heelish stables in the STWF,
and couple them with the Head Booker, the Singles and tag champs of the
fed, and its billionaire main sponsor? The Evil Alliance,
that's what! Eat your hearts out losers! And this goes out to all you
faces out there: HA-LA!
What are we to make of this "Evil Alliance", as the Rogue calls it? Is
there any future for faces in this fed anymore? Can anything match the
coupled power of Tri Lambda and the Rogue's Gallery? For the
Sunflower, I'm "Vince" McMadden saying sleep with one eye open, and we'll
see you soon!
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling
Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre