(Pan interior of Slobberknocker Arena. Electricity is in the air as this sold-out crowd awaits another spectacular STWF show! No, wait a sec, tha…t'’s just Ralph, one of our lighting crew. I guess he now knows that a steel screwdriver is a conductor!)
Good evening everybody and welcome again to Thursday Something or Other. I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden and joining me tonight is former STWF ICCTINACBBIC champ, the Sunflower!
Hello all you boysss out there!
And hello to you Sunflower! As our diehard fans already know, you were the first openly gay STWFer to earn gold. That must have been quite a thrill.
Lissten, Anguss, it’s not nearly as big a thrill as ssitting next to your sweet behind!
Umm, ok. Captain Twilight ate some bad mackerel at lunch today, so he cannot be with us tonight, unfortunately. What'’s tonight'’s card, ‘flower?
We’'ve got Billy POLER..
That’'s Polar…
Maybe to you it is! Anywaysss, tonight he'’s in tough against Francis "the Nutcracker" Sssweet. Also on the card are the Circus Freaks tagging againssst the Ambulance Jockeys, the Violent Pacifist versssusss the Pencil-Necked Geek in a Body-Slam match, and to top off the show we have douja and his mystery partner teaming up to battle the One-Man Tag Team!
Sounds like an exciting Main Event, doesn'’t it?
It'’s alwaysss exciting whenever I have a mystery partner!
Stop it already! And now to Announcer Lad who will introduce our first combatants.
This contest is scheduled for one fall. Already in the ring I introduce to you FRANCIS "THE NUTCRACKER" SWEET! (Francis leans back against the turnbuckles. He seems a little upset that he didn'’t get a better introduction, but what can you do?)
Angusss, I hate it when one guy is already in the ring when the ring announcer'’s starting. It's like they'’re just giving away who’'s going to win!
I’'m sure the fedheads know what they’'re doing.
I hope they still remember how to write out cheques! I'’m not sitting here for free, girlfriend, and I saw the cutest little tiara today that I ssimply mussst own!
And his opponent, from somewhere in Southern California, at 145 lbs, BILLY POLAR!
("I Need Love" by LL Cool J plays over the PA. Polar does not seem to be pleased with entering the ring to the ballad and is stomping his feet in disgust. I’m guessing Vic accidentally hit the ‘Random’ button on the CD player. More STWF unprofessionalism)
And this match is set to get underway!
***bell rings.
And would you look at this! Nutcracker is motioning to Polar to shake his hand!
As a gesture of good sportsmanship?
I suppose so, but these things never seem to work out that way. Polar'’s turning around to get the crowd's opinion… and he gets clocked in the back of the head by a devastating axehandle!
He should have known better! Never turn your back on another guy! That is unlesss you like it Doggy-Style!
Tell me about it...… um, nevermind! The Nutcracker seems like he'’sgoing to do whatever it takes to win this one! Picks up Polar and… a short-arm clothesline takes the Californian down to the mat again! Nutcracker quickly puts Polar in a side headlock to capitalize on his opponent'’s condition… but Polar reverses it with a Belly-to-Back suplex!
Maybe Polar is asss smart asss he wantss usss to believe! That was a great reversal!
And a much needed one! The Nutcracker looks a little stunned by that reversal. Billy Polar whips Sweet to the ropes and catches him with a monkey flip! The mat shakes as the Nutcracker lands tail first!
There'’s no better way to land than tail first!
Viewers, let'’s all wish Captain Twilight a speedy recovery and let'’s all hope that he'’s ready to step in the booth again on Monday!
But I'’m starting to like this gig!
Polar picks Sweet off the mat and put him in a side headlock… no, wait! It'’s a Bulldog! What impact!! Polar goes for the cover. Hooks the leg: …One...…Two...…kickout by Nutcracker! Polar, wasting no time complaining, picks up Sweet...and he'’s eye-gouged! hat should be a DQ, but the ref is letting them continue. Sweet with a swinging-neckbreaker on Billy Polar. He'’s picking him up again and nails him with a Spike Piledriver!!!
How can a solitary person do a spike piledr...I mean, I think he put a hole in the mat with that one!
I bet you could think of some things to do with that hole in the mat!
Hmmm. How long after the show do they start dismantling the ring?
This could be it for Billy! Cracker heading to the top turnbuckle, but Polar'’s quickly getting up!!!
Playing posssum, Angusss!
He catches the nutcracker on the top and… what’s this?!?! A SuperMigraine!!! The cover makes the rest elementary.…
***bell rings.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of this match ...…BILLY POLAR!!!
What a great opening match! And now ladies and gentlemen we have a little unusual behind-the-scenes footage from the Canada Day Chaos PPV. The guys in the truck tell me that this looks awful fishy...
What does? Your face?
No! This clip does! Kudos to the cameraman who shot this footage. Lets roll it!

(Backstage at Canada Day Chaos. The camera follows the Rogue until he walks into a doorway that is labelled "Fed Suits Only!". The Camera stops just outside the doorway, just close enough to hear every word said inside.)
Rogue: Hey, Patrick, how'’s it hanging?
Unknown man: Straight up now that you'’re here, Roguey-Boy!
(Long, uncomfortable silence)
So Patty, how are your folks up in Montreal?
Not too bad, dose mudda-f<-BLEEP->ing no- good c<-BLEEP->suckers!
Good to hear. So what'’s gonna happen on the show tonight?
I booked Bo to win de whole f<-BLEEP->ing ting, beating Tiger wit da figure six in da middle of the f<-BLEEP->ing ring!
So it'’ll be Bo vs. Genocide? Wasn’'t that match set up a month ago anyway, Pat?
What'’s your point, you beautiful Muddaf<-BLEEP->er??

Um, nothing. So, Pat, I heard DK'’s banned you from other backstage areas, so you gotta do your booking in here! What'’s up with that?!
That soft-a<-BLEEP->ed mudda-f<-BLEEP->er doesn'’t wantme getting to close to da wrestlers in da dressing room an’ ‘specially in da shower! I just figure dat those no-good wrestlers shouldn’'t drop da damn soap so much! I didn’'t do noting wrong, I figured maybe they'’d like my finger! I do!
Soft-a<-BLEEP->ed? Your finger?! Ugh. Well Patty, I got a proposition for you.
What is it, you rugged-chinned pretty-boy?
How would you like closer access to the other wrestlers again?
I'’d love it! Da Ringboys too?
Yeah, why not.
Sure! How you gonna do it?
(Just then the door slams shut)

Wow. I wonder what that means for the rest of the STWF?
It means that the head booker is going to strike a deal with the Rogue that will probably benefit the Gallery at the expense of the other STWFers! Duh!
Will the Rogue ever stop attempting to acquire total power in this fed? Will we ever see the day when these attempted takeovers will actually succeed?!?
I'’m still thinking about how much fun it would be to hang out with the HEAD booker. I mean he must get that title from somewhere!
Well, the director tells me we’ll have more info on this developing story later in the show. Now we have a bodyslam match scheduled!
What exactly are the rules for this one Angusss?}
Basically the winner is declared when his opponent is bodyslammed.
Sounds simple enough!
It is! Now to announcer Lad.…
This bodyslam match is scheduled for 1 bodyslam with a 15-minute time limit. Introducing first, representing Tri-Lambda, at 115 beefy pounds… THE PENCIL-NECKED GEEK! ("The Beer Barrel Polka" can be heard as PNG walks to the ring. His pocket protector sports a tiny sticker that simply reads "Tri Lambda > Rogue'’s Gallery")
And his opponent, from Seattle Washington, at 330 pounds and sporting a sinister scowl... …THE VIOLENT PACIFIST! ("Closer" by Nine Inch Nails plays. VP'’s ring attire looks a little soiled, mainly due to his trip to Woodstock '’99 it says here)
VP'’s physique looks even more intimidating when you compare it to the minuscule PNG!
And, as everybody in the Gay Community knows, sssize DOES matter, girlfriend!
You know, ‘Flower, as I was listening to VP’'s entrance music I couldn’'t help but think of your old handler, Seed. What’'s he up to nowadays?
A grand-a-day Coke habit, among other things.
***bell rings.
And nothing like a body slam match to halt a very uncomfortable moment! Geek sizing up VP.. and the tie-up! Geek with a flying head-scissors on the Violent Pacifist, followed by a painful grapevine!
VP'’s making it seem like it’'s a bad thing to be stuck between a guy'’s legs!!
The Geek is squeezing with all his might!
He'’s trying to weaken the big man for an easy ssslam!
Nothing comes easy in the STWF!!
But some of the wrestlers do!
I can name names.…
Really, it'’s not necessary. Here, write them down. VP is fighting the submission, trying to get back up to his feet to lighten the pressure! Almost there… and he’'s up!! He throws the Geek off him like a $3 pair of sunglasses!
I'’m rooting for the Geek. He did me a little favour a while back.…
A little favour?!? He took a dive and gave you your only title!
Hey, it was the Cruiserweight belt. It wasn’t THAT big a favour!
I guess you'’re right. VP grabbing PNG’'s leg’s..and a Boston Crab on the Tri-Lambda member! The way VP'’s got it on he could hold it all day, or at least until the Geek passes out! His only hope is to grab that bottom rope! Getting closer..
So close and yet so far!
The Geek is inching closer, but he really is getting wiped out by this crippling move! One last attempt ... …And he’'s got it! The ref'’s instructing VP to break the hold!
It doesn'’t matter! PNG’'s toast! He was in that crab for three minutes!
Well stranger things have happened. VP picks up the Geek from the mat and dusts off his opponent'’s shirt.
Just being true to his Pacifist roots.
What'’s this?!? The Geek reaches in his pocket protector and pulls out a calligraphy pen! He'’s trying to stab the Violent Pacifist, but VP quickly ducks, spins the Geek around, and nails him with an atomic drop!
The Geek was trying to take the heel way out, and unfortunately it backfired!
Well, it looks like VP isn'’t going to give him any more chances. He picks the Geek off the mat, prepares to scoop him up and.. Colonel "Pops" Khorne is in the Ring with a chair!!! He nails the Violent Pacifist with it just as he was about to hoist the Geek in the air! Both the Geek and VP collapse to the ground! VP is slowly stumbling to his feet. Khorne picks up the Unconscious VP from the mat...…and bodyslams him!?!
***bell rings.
The winner of this Bodyslam match...…THE PENCIL-NECKED GEEK!
What was the deal with that?
You said it yourself, Angusss! The winner is declared when his opponent is bodysslammed!
Oh, I think I get it. PNG is standing in the ring, visibly dejected?!?
Of course he is! He doesn'’t care as much about the outcome of the match as much as he cares about being out-heeled by his main rivals, the ROGUE'’s Gallery! It’'s a reputation thing.
Well I guess the Gallery is getting Tri-Lambda back for their interference in the Bo-Genocide match from last week!
You think?!? And they say you'’re supposed to be the smart one in this booth!
And now a word from our sponsor.…BR>
Hi. I'’m Fred Meatnsaucy, Owner of the Meatnsaucy Powdered Gravy Company, and proud Rogue'’s Gallery member. After this commercial break the Rogue himself has a big announcement to bestow upon the STWF world, but right now I have a little announcement of my own.
I know many of you have tried the many different flavours of "Meatnsaucy Powdered Gravy with Dehydrated Meat Chunks" that my company makes. You must have tried them; how else would I be a billionaire?!? Well recently we’ve come up with a new flavour thatI think will knock your socks off (or burn them off, if you choose to apply it directly): Meatnsaucy Crab Gravy! That'’s right, the quality Meatnsaucy gravy you'’ve come to love in a tangy Crab flavour! Use it whenever a recipe calls for a liquified crab flavoured ingredient! And if that'’s not enough, it also provides a great weatherproofing coat on your decks and lawn furniture! That'’s Meatnsaucy'’s New Crab Gravy. Buy some today

And we'’re back. SoI guess, judging by what "the Billion Dollar Fan" just said, that the Rogue should be out here any min...…
(Rogue'’s Gallery music plays. The Rogue walks to the ring, accompanied by a chorus of boos. One fan, holding a sign that reads "I'’m totally Homicidal!!", throws his Cracker Jacks at the Image of Intelligence. The Rogue picks it up from the ramp, rams his hand into the box, and pulls out the prize: a plastic glittery ring. The Rogue places it on his right pinky and continues his way to the ring, while grabbing a mic)
HA-LA!! Mister Numero Uno is in da house!! How are all you plebians?
Don'’t you love this? I am the most powerful man in the sport!
(More boos)
He is?
And I spent all this time licking the wrong a<-BLEEP->es?!?

I don't know about you guys, but that's a TV-14 comment if I've ever heard one. And in this case, it's emphasis on the "TV".

Hey, you folks think I'’m lying? Well, apparently a lot of people feel that DK has the upper hand around here. After all, he founded this company, is the main administrator, the CEO, the Commissioner, and the head of the Rules Committee! A lot of power then, right? NO!

I have a crew of wrestlers, including this company'’s champion Sergeant Genocide, under me to do my bidding! I have this company'’s main sponsor, Fred Meatnsaucy, as my biggest fan and supporter! DK has to cater to me! Dare he upset the champ and have him show up at "the Competition"'’s show with the STWF belt? Dare he upset the main sponsor and cause this company the inevitable bankruptcy it was heading towards before his arrival? Well, he'’s tried to foil my plans for complete rule by doing several things: allowing that sissy Right Hand Man to assemble his pathetic Hubcap stable of bums and punks to thwart my Gallery, refusing to market Genocide merchandise, booking my guys in dark matches that happen even before the doors to the arenas open and the ring is assembled, et cetera!
Well, no more! I'’ve redesigned my Gallery, expanded to capture the Japanese market, and with my latest acquisition I am set to become the Lone Centre of Power in this business! Confused about my latest acquisition? Well let me give you a little introduction... He was the first Super-Continental Champion in the Tough Guy Wrestling League... A Hall-of-Famer... a menacing shower observer to wrestlers and a preferred fellatio provider to teenage ringboys everywhere... and as of a month ago when he signed onto this company on a lifetime, unbreakable contract -- the "Head" Booker of the STWF! Ladies and gentlemen I proudly present to you from Montreal, Quebec, the newest Gallery-ite, Patrick "the Finger" Patrickson!
(Patrick Patrickson walks through the curtains wearing a Rogue'’s Gallery T-shirt. Boos soon follow)
Say hello to your fans, Patrick!
Allo, ‘ow are all you muddaf<-BLEEP>ing boys out dere doing?
Patrick, why don'’t you explain to these idiots your role in the Gallery. And make sure to speak slowly, so maybe they'’ll get it! HA-LA!!
Well da Rogue came up wit dis ingenious idea. He figured dat if I return to da ring as an active wrassler again dat DK can'’t ban me from the locker room, da shower area, da ringboys'’ quarters, et cetera. Well, dat was an offer I just couldn'’t refuse! In return I agree to book victories, mega pushes, and squash matches for any Gallery-ite the Rogue wants! How do you all like dat you c<-BLEEP->suckers!?!
RHM: Wait a minute...
(Right Hand Man appears on the Monstron)
What do you want to gab about now, lard<-BLEEP->?
I just want to put a cease to all the commotion. Rogue, as stated in your contract limitations, you are not allowed to solely hire ANY Backstage Personnel without consent from either myself or DK! Therefore, Patrick'’s no Gallery-ite! (cheers)
You'’re forgetting one thing, Lame-o! DK signed Patrick as a Backstage worker, not me! I'’ve signed him as a wrestler, which under my contract I'’m perfectly allowed to do. And in his contract there are stipulations that allow him COMPLETE access to ALL backstage areas, so watch out all you STWF superstars and sub-superstars, Patrick'’s in da house! HA-LA!!
An’ next Monday I'’m booking myself in a match against Jeffrey Steingold cause I like his "look"! You folks wanna guess who'’s booked to win this one?
(Rogue and Patrick have a laugh)
And just wait till you see his new finisher, folks!
I hate you, Rogue.
Why? Because We are the POWER baby, ‘cause we RULE the WORLD! HA-LA!
No good mudda-f<-BLEEP->ers!
Wow. What a show! But what does that mean for the STWF if the Head-booker is still actively wrestling and also has comrades whose matches he controls?
Ask Kevin Nash.
Good God! I can'’t even fathom if the backstage politics in this fed are based solely on favoritism at the expense of quality! What can we possibly do?
Sssign Shane Douglasss?
No, not that ‘Flower! And be quiet, it'’s time for the next match!
This tag team match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Parts Unknown, at a combined weight of 561 pounds, Dizzy Desi and Sasquatch, THE CIRCUS FREAKS! (Some Big Top music plays as the Freaks enter the squared Circle. Nothing special here)
And their opponents, from Greensboro and Brown Summit, North Carolina, at a combined weight of 475 pounds and accompanied by the lovely Nurse Heidi, Garry "the Gurney" Greene and Barry "the Backboard" Brown, THE AMBULANCE JOCKEYS! (The theme from ER plays as the Jockeys enter. Nurse Heidi is once again looking stunning in a translucent PVC smock, and she’s carrying a leather bag that reads "First Aid")

***bell rings.
Wow. What a fox that Nurse Heidi is!
Does nothing for me. Sasssquatch on the other hand...…
I like '‘em wild and woolly!
Barry starting off with Desi. Desi has Barry in a hammerlock. Barry reverses Desi into another hammerlock.
(fans chant "Boring!")
Wow. The audience catches on quick!
And Desi gets out of it with a drop toehold, and quickly tags in his partner Sasquatch!
Oh yeah baby!
Sasquatch is beating on Barry mercilessly with his massive axehandles. He picks Barry up over his head for a Gorilla Press Slam and throws him into the front row!
It looks like Barry might have to be carried out on his own backboard!
Sasquatch going outside the ring to continue his beatings on Barry. He pulls Barry over the protective guardrail and rolls him back into the ring. Unfortunately for Sasquatch, however, he rolled Barry into his own corner where he easily tags his much fresher partner Garry.
Garry and Barry are "partners"?!? Wow, ever sssince I left thisss whole fed has gone Gay!
TAG partners, imbecile! Garry enters throwing punches to Sasquatch'’s sternum, with seemingly no effect! Sasquatch, perhaps bored with his opponent'’s attacks, grabs "the Gurney" in his hairy arms and belly-to-belly suplexes him!
You know what I always wondered? If Garry "the Gurney" Greene is related to former Washington Capitals coach Garry Greene.
Nobody cares. Sasquatch looks like he'’s ready to put his Saskatchewan Stomp on Garry already! What'’s this? Nurse Heidei appears to be blowing the Big Beast kisses, and Sasquatch seems extremely flattered by the gesture!
Nooo! Why is it all the good ones are always straight!?
Sasquatch is bending over in an attempt to kiss the voluptuous nurse, despite the pleas of Dizzy Desi to finish off Garry! Sasquatch is all puckered up and… WHAM! Heidi wraps her medical bag across the Bigfoot'’s cranium, knocking him unconscious! Grry is slowly coming to… and he sees the fallen Sasquatch! Garry rolls over his opponent for the pin! Desi enters the ring to try to break up the fall but is intercepted by a recovered Barry! 1....2…...3!
The winners of this match...… THE AMBULANCE JOCKEYS!
And finally we'’re at tonight'’s main event! What a night! The introduction of Patrick "the Finger" Patrickson and his induction into the Gallery, the Pencil-Necked Geek'’s win over the Violent Pacifist in that great bodyslam match aided by, of all people, Colonel "Pops" Khorne, and that great tag match we just saw! Wow, what do we do for a finale?
We get a tag match between the One-Man-Tag-Team and douja with a mystery partner!
That'’s right. Announcer lad….
This tag team match is the main event of the evening and is scheduled for one fall. Already in the ring, you know him/them as "Leaping Lonnie" and "the Night Train", THE ONE-MAN-TAG-TEAM!
Boy, the One-Man-Tag-Team sure looks pumped for this match, and I guess he has to be if he doesn'’t know who one of his opponents is!
If I were him I'’d sssneak a peak at Announcer Lad'’s cuecards! For some reason the ring announcer ALWAYS knows who the mystery wrestler is!
Yeah! Why is that?
And his/their opponents: First, from Parts Forgotten, at 245 pounds, douja! ("Roll it Up, Light it Up, Smoke it Up" by Cypress Hill plays over the PA system but fades as soon as douja exits from the curtains, a large smile on his face)
Quick, who do you think the surprise partner is?
My money'’s on slater, even though those two never got on too well. I still think the Drug Knot is a viable team!
Nah. I’m guessing it'’s the Tiger! This is douja'’s chanco play with the Big Guys, and I think Tiger is the guy to take him there!
And his partner...…
("Interglactic" by the Beastie Boys fills the arena)

Nah. It couldn'’t be!
From Kiev, Ukraine, representing the Rogue'’s Gallery, the STWF InterGalactic Champion SERGEANT GENOCIDE! (The Sarge comes out carrying a Gallery t-shirt along with his jewel-encrusted strap. He hands douja the shirt, who promptly puts it on, a broad smile on his face!)
douja'’s back in the Gallery after he quit on them months ago?
I guess it provesss that once you’re a Gallery-ite, you can never really turn back!
Well, if anything, douja picked a very opportune time to rejoin the Gallery, them having acquired the services of "The Finger" tonight.
Some ringboys are going to acquire even more "servicesss" from "the Finger" after the show!
That'’s disgusting!
Hey, once again, he’s the HEAbooker!
douja'’s starting off the match against what I'’m guessing is the Night Train. The lockup... and douja has Train in an armbar! Train powers out of it, and puts douja in a cradle suplex! douja'’s in quite a bit of pain now!
I'’m guessing he'’s feeling nothing but a BUZZ, if you know what I'’m trying to say.
Night Train whips douja to the ropes now… a vicious clothesline! douja'’s neck rocked back like a lighter tip! Now it looks like Night Train has tagged in Leaping’ Lonnie. Lonnie with a series of crescent kicks on douja… and a Hurricanranna! Lonnie is sing the agility Train doesn'’t have to wear out douja!
They'’re the sssame guy!
Hey, stop breaking Kayfabe! douja looks like he'’s in real trouble now! Whipped to the corner… what a splash by Lonnie! Whipped to the opposite corner now ...…Ouch! Lonnie tried another splash, but douja managed to get his boot up at the last possible second! Now he'’s got to tag out to his partner! He’s stumbling...…but he makes the tag! Lonnie appears startled to find himself face-to-face with the InterGalactic champ! He hits Genocide with a variety of chops and kicks, but the champ isn'’t even blinking! Lonnie backing up to try a superkick, and it's blocked by Genocide! Genocide whips Lonnie to the rope ...…ELIMINATOR! But no pin!
What’s the deal?
Genocide walking over to the corner towards his partner… and he tags douja in! douja casually walks over to Lonnie, and places a single foot on the chest of the fallen opponent! 1……..….2……..…….3!
***bell rings.
The winners of this match: SERGEANT GENOCIDE and douja!
Was there ever any doubt? It helpsss when you have the company'’s champ as your tag partner! Come on! Where was Night Train to break up that pin?!?
Sssshutup, b<-BLEEP->ch!
Well, either way douja looks happier than I'’ve ever seen him of late, and rightfully so! He'’s just rejoined a stable that has a number of things going for it at the moment, and it looks to be heading only uphill from here!
Good for him! That'’s a smart move by the b<-BLEEP->ch who took my belt away from me!
Someone'’s harboring hard feeling.s…
Well, fans, on behalf of the Sunflower and myself, thanks for watching and we'’ll see you Monday Or something! ©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre