(Pan interior of Slobberknocker Arena. Canada Day Chaos drained our already limited budget so we had to hold this one close to home. We'll be lucky to keep our own building for the whole show...but we'll give it the ole college try. Even the Pyro/Sparkler guys have the night off, and it's not like the have huge contracts or anything, but every penny counts.)
Good evening everybody and welcome to Thursday Something or Other. I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden and joining me tonight will be Captain Twilight. Jamal Tupac Mustafa should be ready for the next MNT, I think he's still suffering some after effects of Canada Day Chaos frostbite. What do we have tonight, Cap?
You talking to me? How do I know what matches we have? Like I pay attention to that.
Well, just look at the format. And aren't you suppossed to know what matches we have scheduled? I thought that was one of your requirements here.
My purpose here is to...uh...well, I forgot. What was the question? Anyway, let me see...we have, according to this napkin in front of me...douja taking on Billy Polar, Lenny Baxter defending the ICCTINACBBIC title against a randomly picked contender, Francis "the Nutcracker" Sweet against Sugarplum Harry in a "Ballet Gear Brawl", and some tag-team thingee.
Tag-team thingee? What is THAT?
Honest, it says tag-team thingee.
Let me see that. (takes napkin) You're right, Cap. It does say tag-team thingee. But that's okay, cause I like to say "thingee." I hope it's the last match so we can continue saying thingee throughout the show.
Thingee, thingee, thingee. Hey, it IS kinda fun.
Don't overdo it, Cap. You say it too much and it becomes annoying. You know, like "Where's The Beef?", "Did Somebody Say McDonald's?", and "Yo Quiero Taco Bell." Although I'll never get tired of "Yo Quiero Taco Bell."
And what about "We're Not Wearing Pants?" How many times have we heard that one?
We can't say that unless it's Monday Nae Trous - Monday Without Pants, you see.
Oh, nevermind, I've just been told I have to pull a name out of this hat to determine the challenger for the ICCTINACBBIC title. The top 5 contenders' names have been put in the hat...let's see who I get. This could be really big if the belt changes hands, I don't think the rankings have been updated in awhile. Just think, someone could win the belt that otherwise wouldn't get a chance due to an old top 5. Yeah, somebody could win the belt that possibly shouldn't even BE in the top 5 anymore. Somebody could be getting a shot due to a random selection of 5 guys that might not still be ranked for it. Somebody you think we've hyped it enough?
Wait...somebody that might not be currently ranked, but was ranked back then, COULD win the title after a random drawing of ranked contenders from back then, but if it was updated, might not have the opportunity to be randomly picked from a current top 5...okay, that's enough. What did you draw?
And just think, Lenny had no way to prepare for an opponent. Since it's random...and...
Hmmmm...(reaches into hat a pulls out a folded piece of paper, opens it) it's the number 3 contender... at least he was on June 26th...Percy the Peg-legged Pirate! Let's go to Announcer Lad!
Our opening match is set for one fall and is for the ICCTINACBBIC title. Making his way to the ring, the challenger, from the seas of the Caribbean and weighing 205 and a slightly lopsided 5' 8" in height... PERCY THE PEG-LEGGED PIRATE! (Percy hobbles to the ring to "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" sung by a bunch of drunken sailors. Percy appears to have been hanging out with the sailors, and had a few drinks of his own, not really expecting to be booked by a random hat draw.) And his opponent, from Kichener, Ontario, Canada. He's 5' 5" and a modest 190 lbs, the current ICC blah blah IC Champion...LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER! (Carmen by Coma plays, Lenny struts to the ring with his title in one hand and a piece of paper in the other to a mixed reaction.)
Hey...what's with the paper?
I don't know, Cap. Maybe Lenny thinks that since he won the title in an essay contest he has to defend it with essays, too.
Percy could be in trouble then, I don't think "yar" and "har" count as words do they?
***bell rings.
Lenny opens his sheet and it looks like he's trying to read it, Percy shrugs and kicks the champion in the bread basket.
Bread basket? I'm glad you didn't say that with "The Glutton" here. Percy with a hiptoss, and goes for a quick pin.
No way, NOBODY gets a pin after a hiptoss. I think Percy just wants to get outta here and finish what he started with his sailing crew. He IS looking alot like a jolly rancher.
I think you mean Jolly Roger...and that isn't really a description for a tipsy, it has nothing to do with the consumption of alcohol.
Oh well, Lenny kicks out at one and it appears he's realized that he has to actually wrestle to keep his title. Lenny with an eyerake, whips the peg-legged grappler across the ring and catches him with a clothesline. Percy had some problems bouncing off the ropes and running, but I don't know if it's the peg or the pirate whiskey rot-gut he filled up on earlier.
Awww...who cares? I want to see "The Head Explody". Come on, Lenny..."Head Explody", "Head Explody", "Head Explody".
Cap, you're suppossed to be unbiased and that finisher will never work. Percy has somehow regained the advantage and has the champ in trouble. Percy with a pegged-leg drop. It looks like he's going for his finisher...the peg-legged axe kick. I wonder if he'll ever give it a name. He waits for Lenny to get up...he's going for it!
OH! Lenny stepped to the side and Percy's peg just hit the referee! And true to form, the ref falls and rolls over on his stomach...face down, of course.
Of course. Lenny just hit Percy with a DDT..and look at that concentration! Baxter is going for "The Head Explody"! He's really trying hard...look at the veins popping out on his head...even his BMW logo tatoo is shaking.
That's not the only thing shaking, look at Percy's leg. I think "The Head Explody" might become "The Peg Explody!"
It's not shaking...Percy's unscrewing it! Look at that knee rotation, great skill displayed by the little pirate. He takes it off...hops over to Lenny who is so busy holding his breath and squeezing his eyes shut...he doesn't see what's coming!
The winner and still the ICCTINACBBIC champion... LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER!
Wow, what a start to this Thursday Something-or-Other!
Did you say something? Oh, the match is over? I didn't notice.
And we still have douja/Polar, a tag-team thingee, and The Battle of the Ballerinas to go.
You better not let Francis or Sugarplum hear you call them that. What am I saying? Francis? Sugarplum? Maybe these guys ARE ballerinas.
Nah, they just like wearing ballet gear. Sugarplum's a legend, he's a Pixie King so he says, so I guess it's okay for him. I have no idea what Francis gets out of wearing a leotard...but I'll let YOU ask him.
I'm not going to ask him, YOU ask him.
I'm not going to ask him, and I'm ending this right now before you can say "I'm not going to ask him, you ask him" again. Besides, I think it's time for the tag-team thingee. Man, I just love saying 'thingee'.
This tag-team thingee is a one fall thingee. Introducing first, from The Head Trauma Club...Garry "the Gurney" Greene and "Backboard" Barry Brown...THE AMBULANCE JOCKEYS! (Theme from ER plays. Garry and Barry walk to ring and appear to be arguing amongst themselves.) Their opponents, also representing The Head Trauma Club..."Lightning Clippers" and Necro Phil ..."CLIP 'EM AND ZIP 'EM!" ("A Glass Full of Shut the Hell Up, Barry" by the Insane Claude Posse plays..."LC" and Phil saunter to the ring with an obvious carefree attitude.)
Strange. Four members of the same stable fighting for tag-team rankings. We haven't seen the former Unified tag champs in awhile and this is our first look at the team of Claude and Necro Phil.
Not too strange. Just another intra-stable bore fest. What better way for "Clip 'Em and Zip 'Em" to get recognized in the rankings by defeating the first Unified champions?
Good point.
***bell rings.
Hey, Cap...have you seen the new Austin Powers movie yet? Do you think that Mini-Me character is one of The Reno Brothers? Or maybe even Pepe The Mexican Midget?
***bell rings.
What the?
The winners of this match..."CLIP 'EM AND ZIP 'EM"!
Do we have a replay on that? What happened? Chet? Hello?
I don't know, but I think somebody took a dive.
Ya think? The Jockeys helped stable mates The Head Trauma Boys win the 3-4-1 titles at SuperCard IV, and now it looks like they're trying to help "Lightning Clippers" and Necro Phil get to the tag titles...the only Head Trauma Club members yet to wear STWF gold.
Well, that very short match leaves us with extra time...let's go to a commercial while Chet tries to get us a replay.
Chet: Do I HAVE to? *sigh*

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WARNING: Activating this appliance at a Green Bay Packer home game could be considered a felony.

That's it? Man, that was REALLY stupid. But hey, it IS TSO after all. Let's see if Chet has a replay on that last *ahem* match. Cap, what are you doing?
Getting the number for that Wizard thing, I think I'll get "the Glutton" one for Christmas.
Why? He'll probably just eat it. Okay, Chet reluctantly has the replay for us. (looks at the monitor) All I see are The Jocks, Claude, and Necro leaving the ring together. Looks like Chet still doesn't want to do much more than he has to.
Well, you did say replay, but you didn't specify what you wanted the replay of. Anyway, Billy Polar is in the ring. A nice showing for the newcomer at CDC, guy even chairshot himself. What a showman. But chairs are softer than they were when I competed. He'd knocked himself out if he did that with a real chair.
Whatever, Cap.
Hey, I don't have a cue card for Polar. Why are you guys doing this to me? Oh yeah, make Lad look stupid. Make Lad look like he's not prepared. Make Lad look like...look like. Aw hell, here's...BILLY POLAR! (Billy just stands there and stares at Lad as "I'm Gonna Knock You Out" by LL Cool J winds down. Gets a good pop simply because he slandered DK on the flashboard)

]]] He did WHAT?! He's SO lucky I didn't see that. End transmission! [[[

And his opponent, from Parts Forgotten and the main supplier of The Drug Knot...douja! ("Roll it Up, Light It Up, Smoke It Up" by Cypress Hill plays as douja stumbles to the ring, joint in hand and a bong in the back pocket of his sagging least he could have worn some clean boxers.)

Disclaimer: The STWF/CSTLL does not condone the use of illicit drugs and/or alcohol consumption. This program has been rated TV-M for mature audiences only...for the references I just referred to and what is to come later in the evening. you REALLY want to see two men wrestle in those hideously tight ballet outfits?
***bell rings.
And here we go! Billy starts fast with an armdrag takedown, douja up, and Polar with a knee to the gut, backs douja into the ropes and Irish whip into the far corner. Billy charges in, and douja catches him with the old lift up the foot and nails Billy square in the hands...uh...I mean chin. douja quickly up the ropes and Billy runs up and grabs him, waiting the mandatory couple of seconds for crowd approval before throwing him off the turnbuckle onto the middle of the canvas. Billy recovering very well from the foot to the face by douja. What do you think about the newcomer, Cap? Cap? Hey Cap? CAPTAIN TWILIGHT!
What? What? Is it over yet? Don't ask Chet to replay it, please. Wait a minute, who's that in the ring?
It's Billy Polar and douja, where have you been?
Since when did Billy Polar or douja look like a big miner?
IT'S BOHEMOTH! Where did he come from?!
West Virginia I think.
Oh yeah, thanks alot, Cap. The referee somehow managed to end up face down again. Bo grabs douja and what a punch! I think a 'roach clip' just flew out of douja's mouth, one of many he's probably swallowed over the years. Gorilla-press by The Big....Bo. Man, he needs to work on that and I'm not talking about the gorilla-press. The miner slams douja on the canvas and points to the corner. Billy stands by, he really IS a smart guy. At least that's his backstory.
There goes Bohemoth...douja still down.... SMASHER!
Billy with "The Migraine" for good can count to a hundred. The ref is aroused by Bohemoth while Polar covers douja.
Aroused? Really, you can tell that from here?
I'll ignore that. The ref is counting 1...2...3...4...5...6 (minutes pass) 22...23...24...25 (several more minutes pass) 66...67...68...
What IS he doing?
I guess he thought I was serious by saying he could count to a hundred...HEY REF! IT WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH!
underpaid and uneducated ring official: OH!
The winner of this match...BILLY POLAR! (look at that referee, and you say getting your high school diploma is not important.)
Wow, douja will not like the results of this after he wakes up. Maybe he'll quit calling Bohemoth a big, fat a<-BLEEP->s.
I doubt it. That leaves us with only one match. Thank God. I can't wait to get out of here and order that cheese thing.
Our final match of the evening is set for one fall and is touted as a "Ballet Gear Brawl." I have no idea what that'll probably just be a regular match and both participants just happen to wear ballet gear, that's all. Who knows and does anyone REALLY care? I just announce, and all I have left to do is announce the winner. Then give me my check and I'll see you next Nae Trous.
What got into Lad?
Who knows? Maybe he has something against tights. I don't, my super hero tights have given me years of enjoyment.
I'll ignore that one, too. Sugarplum Harry and Francis "the Nutcracker" Sweet both enter to "The Nutcracker Suite." That is a catchy tune, I must admit...or perhaps Vic is just as lazy as Chet.
***bell rings.
It's the STWF legend Sugarplum Harry locking up with one of the newest members of The Corpulent Ministry. Harry the clear favorite here, as Francis belongs to one of the up and coming heel stables in the fed. Recent interviews suggest The Corpulent Ministry is trying to achieve Gallery heel status. But no stable will ever be as hated as the Rogue's boys.
Francis starts things off with a hard right hand to the Pixie King's noggin'. Harry sporting a nice pinke tutu. Ummm...Sweet is looking very sweet in his pink leotard. Mm-hmm.
Cap, are you alright? You're scaring me. Francis just tossed Harry through the ropes and is taking it outside the ring. I guess we will get a good brawl after all...I'm assuming this is all legal, not being very well versed on the rules of a "Ballet Gear Brawl." Sweet just slammed Sugarplum into the flimsy guard rail. What IMPACT! Harry fights back and rams Francis' head into the ring steps. Man, did you hear THAT!? Cap? Cap? CAPTAIN TWILIGHT!
Why are the front of men's ballet outfits, you know.
No I don't know, and I don't think I want to know. Sweet and Harry taking this into the stands. Sugarplum trying to prove he's the originator of the toughman in a tutu. Sweet trying to live up to the claim of being the baddest man in (dancing) tights. Harry with a bodyslam on the concrete floor. That's REAL concrete, fans! No safety mats here. Cap, you're being awfully quiet over there. CAP? CAPTAIN TWILIGHT!
Uhhh...I'll be back in a minute.
Wait, where are you going? You can't leave now, we're in the middle of the final match. What the hell?
(Captain Twilight gets up and quickly runs to the back. Oh...get your minds out of the gutter, I know what you're thinking.)
Okay... well, I guess I'll finish things up. The referee is following Sweet and Harry. I guess it IS pinfalls anywhere. Sugarplum just threw Sweet into a concession stand. I hope it wasn't one of Petey's or Colonel Khorne's. Look at that mess! What CARNAGE! What DESTRUCTION! What an absolute ruin of two perfectly good costumes! Francis fights back and hits Harry with a styrofoam cooler lid! Sweet taking a page out "Soft Core" Zack's rule book. It appears the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree after all. Harry and Francis both have each other by the clothing...they're taking it OUTSIDE! Kamera Kid follows them out into the parking lot. What a wild match, Harry slamming Sweet's head into The Right Hand Man's limo. Wait a minute...HE has a limo? Not much damage done on that one...Sweet got his hands up just in time, but it still looked like his forehead hit it. Maybe it DID...Sweet appears to be busted open. It's hard to tell in the dark...I wish Kid would turn on his camera's spot light so we could see better. Francis just backdropped Sugarplum in the middle of the road. THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD! Imagine if cars were coming..these two stopping at nothing to claim tutu supremacy...I hope no cars got past the road blocks. Oh no...Sweet and Harry getting dangerously close to that biker bar. Out comes a biker, right on cue. This could mean trouble! REDNECK BIKER: "Hey Cletus, there's two guys out here wearing dresses and catsuits!"
SugarPlum Harry: "This is not a dress, it's a tutu. And that's a leotard, you imbecile."
Francis: "Wanna make something of it?"
REDNECK BIKER: "Suppose I do?"

Francis grabs the biker in "THE NUTCRACKER"! Look at this...more bikers pouring out of the bar. Harry nails one with a clothesline, another with a backdrop, yet another with a spinning heel kick! Francis throws the first biker to the side and catches another in "The NUTCRACKER!" Discards him, and grabs another in "The NUTCRACKER" while forearming another! Harry putting his own Nutcracker on another biker! HARRY AND FRANCIS WORKING TOGETHER...albeit for just tonight.
This match has been declared a draw...check please.
The battle is still going on outside and Kamera Kid tells me he's out of film. I told you Canada Day Chaos ate up our Thursday Something or Other funds. So for Captain Twilight, wherever he is, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying good night and we'll see you at the next Monday Nae Trous... or something.

©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre