THURSDAY SOMETHING OR OTHER # 11
PRE-TAPED AND BEST OF ALL...IT'S
(Pan interior of Slobberknocker Arena. Canada Day Chaos
drained our already limited budget so we had to hold this one close to home.
We'll be lucky to keep our own building for the whole show...but we'll
give it the ole college try. Even the Pyro/Sparkler guys have the night
off, and it's not like the have huge contracts or anything, but every
Good evening everybody and welcome to Thursday Something or Other. I'm
Angus "Vince" McMadden and joining me tonight will be Captain Twilight.
Jamal Tupac Mustafa should be ready for the next MNT, I think he's still
suffering some after effects of Canada Day Chaos frostbite. What do we have
You talking to me? How do I know what matches we
have? Like I pay attention to that.
Well, just look at the format. And aren't you suppossed to know what matches
we have scheduled? I thought that was one of your requirements here.
My purpose here is to...uh...well, I forgot.
What was the question? Anyway, let me see...we have, according to this napkin
in front of me...douja taking on Billy Polar, Lenny Baxter defending the
ICCTINACBBIC title against a randomly picked contender, Francis "the
Nutcracker" Sweet against Sugarplum Harry in a "Ballet Gear Brawl", and some
Tag-team thingee? What is THAT?
Honest, it says tag-team thingee.
Let me see that. (takes napkin) You're right, Cap.
It does say tag-team thingee. But that's okay, cause I like to say "thingee."
I hope it's the last match so we can continue saying thingee throughout the
Thingee, thingee, thingee. Hey, it IS kinda fun.
Don't overdo it, Cap. You say it too much and it becomes annoying. You know,
like "Where's The Beef?", "Did Somebody Say McDonald's?", and "Yo Quiero
Taco Bell." Although I'll never get tired of "Yo Quiero Taco Bell."
And what about "We're Not Wearing Pants?" How many
times have we heard that one?
We can't say that unless it's Monday Nae Trous - Monday Without Pants,
Oh, nevermind, I've just been told I have to
pull a name out of this hat to determine the challenger for the ICCTINACBBIC
title. The top 5 contenders' names have been put in the hat...let's see who
This could be really big if the belt changes hands, I don't think the
rankings have been updated in awhile. Just think, someone could win the belt
that otherwise wouldn't get a chance due to an old top 5.
Yeah, somebody could win the belt that possibly
shouldn't even BE in the top 5 anymore. Somebody could be getting a shot due
to a random selection of 5 guys that might not still be ranked for it.
Somebody could...do you think we've hyped it enough?
Wait...somebody that might not be currently ranked, but was ranked back then,
COULD win the title after a random drawing of ranked contenders from back
then, but if it was updated, might not have the opportunity to be randomly
picked from a current top 5...okay, that's enough. What did you draw?
And just think, Lenny had no way to prepare for an
opponent. Since it's random...and...
WHO IS IT?
Hmmmm...(reaches into hat a pulls
out a folded piece of paper, opens it) it's the number 3 contender...
at least he was on June 26th...Percy the Peg-legged Pirate! Let's go to
Our opening match is set for one fall and is for the
ICCTINACBBIC title. Making his way to the ring, the challenger, from the seas
of the Caribbean and weighing 205 and a slightly lopsided 5' 8" in height...
PERCY THE PEG-LEGGED PIRATE! (Percy hobbles to the ring to "Row, Row, Row
Your Boat" sung by a bunch of drunken sailors. Percy appears to have been
hanging out with the sailors, and had a few drinks of his own, not really
expecting to be booked by a random hat draw.) And his opponent, from
Kichener, Ontario, Canada. He's 5' 5" and a modest 190 lbs, the current
ICC blah blah IC Champion...LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER! (Carmen by Coma plays,
Lenny struts to the ring with his title in one hand and a piece of paper in
the other to a mixed reaction.)
Hey...what's with the paper?
I don't know, Cap. Maybe Lenny thinks that since he won the title in an essay
contest he has to defend it with essays, too.
Percy could be in trouble then, I don't think "yar"
and "har" count as words do they?
Lenny opens his sheet and it looks like he's trying to read it, Percy shrugs
and kicks the champion in the bread basket.
Bread basket? I'm glad you didn't say that with "The
Glutton" here. Percy with a hiptoss, and goes for a quick pin.
No way, NOBODY gets a pin after a hiptoss. I think Percy just wants to get
outta here and finish what he started with his sailing crew. He IS looking
alot like a jolly rancher.
I think you mean Jolly Roger...and that isn't really
a description for a tipsy, it has nothing to do with the consumption of
Oh well, Lenny kicks out at one and it appears he's realized that he has to
actually wrestle to keep his title. Lenny with an eyerake, whips the
peg-legged grappler across the ring and catches him with a clothesline. Percy
had some problems bouncing off the ropes and running, but I don't know if
it's the peg or the pirate whiskey rot-gut he filled up on earlier.
Awww...who cares? I want to see "The Head Explody".
Come on, Lenny..."Head Explody", "Head Explody", "Head
Cap, you're suppossed to be unbiased and that finisher will never work.
Percy has somehow regained the advantage and has the champ in trouble. Percy
with a pegged-leg drop. It looks like he's going for his finisher...the
peg-legged axe kick. I wonder if he'll ever give it a name. He waits for
Lenny to get up...he's going for it!
OH! Lenny stepped to the side and Percy's peg just
hit the referee! And true to form, the ref falls and rolls over on his
stomach...face down, of course.
Of course. Lenny just hit Percy with a DDT..and look at that concentration!
Baxter is going for "The Head Explody"! He's really trying hard...look at
the veins popping out on his head...even his BMW logo tatoo is
That's not the only thing shaking, look at Percy's
leg. I think "The Head Explody" might become "The Peg Explody!"
It's not shaking...Percy's unscrewing it! Look at that knee rotation, great
skill displayed by the little pirate. He takes it off...hops over to Lenny
who is so busy holding his breath and squeezing his eyes shut...he doesn't
see what's coming!
The winner and still the ICCTINACBBIC champion...
LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER!
Wow, what a start to this Thursday Something-or-Other!
Did you say something? Oh, the match is over? I
And we still have douja/Polar, a tag-team thingee, and The Battle of
the Ballerinas to go.
You better not let Francis or Sugarplum hear you
call them that. What am I saying? Francis? Sugarplum? Maybe these guys ARE
Nah, they just like wearing ballet gear. Sugarplum's a legend, he's a
Pixie King so he says, so I guess it's okay for him. I have no idea what
Francis gets out of wearing a leotard...but I'll let YOU ask him.
I'm not going to ask him, YOU ask him.
I'm not going to ask him, and I'm ending this right now before you can say
"I'm not going to ask him, you ask him" again. Besides, I think it's time
for the tag-team thingee. Man, I just love saying 'thingee'.
This tag-team thingee is a one fall thingee. Introducing
first, from The Head Trauma Club...Garry "the Gurney" Greene and "Backboard"
Barry Brown...THE AMBULANCE JOCKEYS! (Theme from ER plays. Garry and Barry
walk to ring and appear to be arguing amongst themselves.) Their opponents,
also representing The Head Trauma Club..."Lightning Clippers" and Necro Phil
..."CLIP 'EM AND ZIP 'EM!" ("A Glass Full of Shut the Hell Up, Barry" by
the Insane Claude Posse plays..."LC" and Phil saunter to the ring with an
obvious carefree attitude.)
Strange. Four members of the same stable fighting for tag-team rankings.
We haven't seen the former Unified tag champs in awhile and this is our
first look at the team of Claude and Necro Phil.
Not too strange. Just another intra-stable bore fest.
What better way for "Clip 'Em and Zip 'Em" to get recognized in the rankings
by defeating the first Unified champions?
Hey, Cap...have you seen the new Austin Powers movie yet? Do you think that
Mini-Me character is one of The Reno Brothers? Or maybe even Pepe The Mexican
The winners of this match..."CLIP 'EM AND ZIP
Do we have a replay on that? What
happened? Chet? Hello?
I don't know, but I think somebody took a dive.
Ya think? The Jockeys helped stable mates The Head
Trauma Boys win the 3-4-1 titles at SuperCard IV, and now it looks like
they're trying to help "Lightning Clippers" and Necro Phil get to the tag
titles...the only Head Trauma Club members yet to wear STWF
Well, that very short match leaves us with extra time...let's go to a
commercial while Chet tries to get us a replay.
Chet: Do I HAVE to? *sigh*
Are you tired of grating your knuckles instead of your
cheese? Tired of slaving over that cheap piece of metal for some shredded
Colby Jack? Then get the "MUNCHY" SAUNDERS' BATTERY OPERATED CHEESE WIZARD!
That's right! Just turn it on and cutting the cheese is a breeze! (patent
pending) All you need is "The Wizard", 14 "D" size batteries, and a block
of your favorite pasteurized process cheese food and your worries are over.
But beware, the "MUNCHY" SAUNDERS' BATTERY OPERATED CHEESE WIZARD is a flying
appliance and should not be used in the presence of children, glass, small
animals, or hemophiliacs.
WARNING: Activating this appliance at a Green Bay
Packer home game could be considered a felony.
That's it? Man, that was REALLY stupid. But hey, it IS TSO after all. Let's
see if Chet has a replay on that last *ahem* match. Cap, what are you
Getting the number for that Wizard thing, I think
I'll get "the Glutton" one for Christmas.
Why? He'll probably just eat it. Okay, Chet reluctantly has the replay for
us. (looks at the monitor) All I see are The Jocks,
Claude, and Necro leaving the ring together. Looks like Chet still doesn't
want to do much more than he has to.
Well, you did say replay, but you didn't specify
what you wanted the replay of. Anyway, Billy Polar is in the ring. A nice
showing for the newcomer at CDC, guy even chairshot himself. What a showman.
But chairs are softer than they were when I competed. He'd knocked himself
out if he did that with a real chair.
Hey, I don't have a cue card for Polar. Why are you guys
doing this to me? Oh yeah, make Lad look stupid. Make Lad look like he's
not prepared. Make Lad look like...look like. Aw hell, here's...BILLY POLAR!
(Billy just stands there and stares at Lad as "I'm Gonna Knock You Out" by
LL Cool J winds down. Gets a good pop simply because he slandered DK on the
]]] He did WHAT?! He's SO lucky I didn't see that.
End transmission! [[[
And his opponent, from Parts Forgotten and the main supplier of
The Drug Knot...douja! ("Roll it Up, Light It Up, Smoke It Up" by Cypress
Hill plays as douja stumbles to the ring, joint in hand and a bong in the
back pocket of his sagging jeans...at least he could have worn some clean
Disclaimer: The STWF/CSTLL does not condone the use
of illicit drugs and/or alcohol consumption. This program has been rated
TV-M for mature audiences only...for the references I just referred to and
what is to come later in the evening. Besides...do you REALLY want to see
two men wrestle in those hideously tight ballet outfits?
And here we go! Billy starts fast with an armdrag takedown, douja up, and
Polar with a knee to the gut, backs douja into the ropes and Irish whip
into the far corner. Billy charges in, and douja catches him with the old
lift up the foot and nails Billy square in the hands...uh...I mean chin.
douja quickly up the ropes and Billy runs up and grabs him, waiting the
mandatory couple of seconds for crowd approval before throwing him off
the turnbuckle onto the middle of the canvas. Billy recovering very well
from the foot to the face by douja. What do you think about the newcomer,
Cap? Cap? Hey Cap? CAPTAIN TWILIGHT!
What? What? Is it over yet? Don't ask Chet to replay
it, please. Wait a minute, who's that in the ring?
It's Billy Polar and douja, where have you been?
Since when did Billy Polar or douja look like a big
IT'S BOHEMOTH! Where did he come from?!
West Virginia I think.
Oh yeah, thanks alot, Cap. The referee somehow managed to end up face down
again. Bo grabs douja and what a punch! I think a 'roach clip' just flew
out of douja's mouth, one of many he's probably swallowed over the years.
Gorilla-press by The Big....Bo. Man, he needs to work on that and I'm not
talking about the gorilla-press. The miner slams douja on the canvas and
points to the corner. Billy stands by, he really IS a smart guy. At least
that's his backstory.
There goes Bohemoth...douja still down....
Billy with "The Migraine" for good measure...you can count to a hundred. The
ref is aroused by Bohemoth while Polar covers douja.
Aroused? Really, you can tell that from
I'll ignore that. The ref is counting 1...2...3...4...5...6 (minutes pass)
22...23...24...25 (several more minutes pass) 66...67...68...
What IS he doing?
I guess he thought I was serious by saying he could count to a
hundred...HEY REF! IT WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH!
underpaid and uneducated ring official: OH!
The winner of this match...BILLY POLAR! (look at that
referee, and you say getting your high school diploma is not
Wow, douja will not like the results of this after he wakes up. Maybe he'll
quit calling Bohemoth a big, fat a<-BLEEP->s.
I doubt it. That leaves us with only one match.
Thank God. I can't wait to get out of here and order that cheese
Our final match of the evening is set for one fall and
is touted as a "Ballet Gear Brawl." I have no idea what that means...it'll
probably just be a regular match and both participants just happen to wear
ballet gear, that's all. Who knows and does anyone REALLY care? I just
announce, and all I have left to do is announce the winner. Then give me my
check and I'll see you next Nae Trous.
What got into Lad?
Who knows? Maybe he has something against tights.
I don't, my super hero tights have given me years of enjoyment.
I'll ignore that one, too. Sugarplum Harry and Francis "the Nutcracker"
Sweet both enter to "The Nutcracker Suite." That is a catchy tune, I must
admit...or perhaps Vic is just as lazy as Chet.
It's the STWF legend Sugarplum Harry locking up with one of the newest
members of The Corpulent Ministry. Harry the clear favorite here, as Francis
belongs to one of the up and coming heel stables in the fed. Recent
interviews suggest The Corpulent Ministry is trying to achieve Gallery heel
status. But no stable will ever be as hated as the Rogue's boys.
Francis starts things off with a hard right hand
to the Pixie King's noggin'. Harry sporting a nice pinke tutu.
Ummm...Sweet is looking very sweet in his pink leotard. Mm-hmm.
Cap, are you alright? You're scaring me. Francis just tossed Harry through
the ropes and is taking it outside the ring. I guess we will get a good
brawl after all...I'm assuming this is all legal, not being very well versed
on the rules of a "Ballet Gear Brawl." Sweet just slammed Sugarplum into
the flimsy guard rail. What IMPACT! Harry fights back and rams Francis' head
into the ring steps. Man, did you hear THAT!? Cap? Cap? CAPTAIN
Why are the front of men's ballet outfits
so...so...well, you know.
No I don't know, and I don't think I want to know. Sweet and Harry taking
this into the stands. Sugarplum trying to prove he's the originator of the
toughman in a tutu. Sweet trying to live up to the claim of being the baddest
man in (dancing) tights. Harry with a bodyslam on the concrete floor.
That's REAL concrete, fans! No safety mats here. Cap, you're being awfully
quiet over there. CAP? CAPTAIN TWILIGHT!
Uhhh...I'll be back in a minute.
Wait, where are you going? You can't leave now, we're in the middle of the
final match. What the hell?
(Captain Twilight gets up and quickly runs to the back.
Oh...get your minds out of the gutter, I know what you're
Okay... well, I guess I'll finish things up. The referee is following Sweet
and Harry. I guess it IS pinfalls anywhere. Sugarplum just threw Sweet into
a concession stand. I hope it wasn't one of Petey's or Colonel Khorne's.
Look at that mess! What CARNAGE! What DESTRUCTION! What an absolute ruin
of two perfectly good costumes! Francis fights back and hits Harry with a
styrofoam cooler lid! Sweet taking a page out "Soft Core" Zack's rule book.
It appears the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree after all. Harry and
Francis both have each other by the clothing...they're taking it OUTSIDE!
Kamera Kid follows them out into the parking lot. What a wild match, Harry
slamming Sweet's head into The Right Hand Man's limo. Wait a minute...HE
has a limo? Not much damage done on that one...Sweet got his hands up just
in time, but it still looked like his forehead hit it. Maybe it
DID...Sweet appears to be busted open. It's hard to tell in the dark...I
wish Kid would turn on his camera's spot light so we could see better.
Francis just backdropped Sugarplum in the middle of the road. THE MIDDLE
OF THE ROAD! Imagine if cars were coming..these two stopping at nothing to
claim tutu supremacy...I hope no cars got past the road blocks. Oh
no...Sweet and Harry getting dangerously close to that biker bar. Out
comes a biker, right on cue. This could mean trouble!
REDNECK BIKER: "Hey Cletus, there's two guys out here wearing dresses
SugarPlum Harry: "This is not a dress, it's a tutu. And that's a leotard,
Francis: "Wanna make something of it?"
REDNECK BIKER: "Suppose I do?"
Francis grabs the biker in "THE NUTCRACKER"! Look at this...more bikers
pouring out of the bar. Harry nails one with a clothesline, another with a
backdrop, yet another with a spinning heel kick! Francis throws the first
biker to the side and catches another in "The NUTCRACKER!" Discards him, and
grabs another in "The NUTCRACKER" while forearming another! Harry
putting his own Nutcracker on another biker! HARRY AND FRANCIS
WORKING TOGETHER...albeit for just tonight.
This match has been declared a draw...check
The battle is still going on outside and Kamera Kid tells me he's out of
film. I told you Canada Day Chaos ate up our Thursday Something or Other
funds. So for Captain Twilight, wherever he is, I'm Angus "Vince"
McMadden saying good night and we'll see you at the next Monday Nae
Trous... or something.
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo
Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre