(The intro theme begins!)
B.F. Sack, Dr. Snare
Look at Très Sheik, he's got flair!
Gary Gourmando, what a cow!
Look, here comes the Tiger now!
Petey is a Peanut Guy
Big Bohemoth's got one eye
Buck Johanson's mighty strong
BIG Sir claims he's long
douja's always smoking pot
Necro Phil says "Cold is Hot!"
Hank's got the 19:50
Grampa's Old Boys, just too nifty!
ARE YOU READY?
ARE YOU READY TO GO?
YEAH, ARE YOU READY?
ARE YOU READY TO GO?
Strap on your hardhats, there's gonna be a fight
It's Something-or-Other, baby, outta si-yee-i-yee-ight!
(The STWF Girls come out and gyrate scantily to the rhythms of hardcore, block-rockin' power grooves. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, STWF fans.)
Welcome, everybody to the first edition of the soon-to-be classic Thursday
Something or Other! Alongside me is the living (but not for long) legend,
Captain Twilight. Captain?
What I don't understand is: we're the same broadcast
team from FFF, right?
Due to tape-delay, this show will probably air on the
same day that FFF used to, right?
So, why did we go to all the trouble of changing the
logos, title, theme song, etc., when it's basically the same show in terms
of actual content?
DO NOT QUESTION THE WISDOM OF DER KOMISSAAR!!! And now, for our opening
Making his way to the ring at this time, from
Milwaukee, Wisconsin and weighing 367 lbs., here is
Big Buck Johanson.
(crowd seems confused and disoriented as the theme from "Rawhide" plays)
And his opponent, from Washington, DC, accompanied by Veroncia, here is
(crowd doesn't seem to recognize these two. Several loud conversations
about "being at the right arena" are picked up by the television
Here we go. Slick Willie begging off.
The match hasn't even started yet!
Well, it looks like Willy just wants to get along.
Johanson will have none of that!
Indeed, Big Buck goes right to work with vicious kicks to the
Willy is taking a beating!
Slick is down. Pickup by Johanson. Bodyslam! Picks him up again. Whip
to the ropes, tries a back-body, but Slick Willy anticipates and gets in a
brutal sidekick to the face.
Johanson telegraphed that one, Vince . . . which is
odd, since there are
so many more modern means of communication. Like the carrier pigeon, for
Aren't they extinct?
You're thinking of the carrier sloth.
Oh, that's right. Spinning toe hold applied by Slick Willy on the fallen
Buck may be in trouble here.
OHHH!!! Buck goes downstairs on Willy.
Shouldn't he be used to that by now?
I won't dignify that -
Wait! Buck's going for the Buckshot!
Yess . . . he's got him . . . running powerslam into the turnbuckle! Got
Why would you have a finisher that doesn't lead
directly into a pin or submission?
Oh, shut up, when's the last time you pinned anybody?
You mean besides your mom?
Hey! That doesn't sound like the Cap I know.
Call the match.
Buck pulls Willie off the turnbuckle. 1...2...3! That's it.
Here is you winner, BIG BUCK JOHANSON!
You know, I think that Slick Willy's lack of a
biography on the STWF homepage really hurt him in that match,
I'm doing the best I can, damn it! Try blaming his
lack of RPs why don'cha. End transmission!
I couldn't agree more. Next up, we have tag action as Spontaneous Human
Combustion takes on the Unlikely alliance in this thing we jokingly call a
Yeah, since Milwaukee's Best is on hold, the Circus
Freaks have been away, and we have 2 set of belts, the tag division has
Coming to the ring at this time, at a combined
weight of 819 lbs., from Guyana, here are Implosion and
Scythe, Spontaneous Human Combustion!
(a smattering of boos and chants of "jobbers" abound as Iggy Pop's stuff
plays. They enter the ring, raise their arms in the air, and throw them
down. Both men catch on fire with a loud bang. They are doused to a
And their opponents, representing the Three Guys, here is The Unlikely
Alliance! (a good pop for the unlikely duo)
The two teams eye each other. You could cut the tension with a knife.
You could cut the clichés with a
Anyway. Sir Hungalot and Scythe to start things off. Sir Hungalot asking
for the test of strength. Scythe agrees.
Yep. All Sir Hungalot here. Turns it into a hammerlock. Scythe screaming
Scythe: (in foreign language, with subtitle on screen) Mercy!!!
Sir Hungalot flips the hold into a pump-handle slam!
I was wondering what the Meltdown was called before
and now I know. Needless to say, impressive work by the big
Upon editing, I sense déjà
Sir Hungalot tags out to The Violent Pacifist. VP continues the
Scythe needs to make a tag.
Piledriver by The Violent Pacifist.
Implosion is trying to distract the ref.
The ref admonishing Implosion.
Watch out for Grampa!
OH! Grampa drills The Violent Pacifist in the back of the head with a
In my day they called those "Whoopin'
I stand corrected. Anyway, VP is able to make a tag.
The Violent Pacifist is up, but he's woozy. And Sir
Hungalot is pummeling Grampa!
Here comes Implosion. He's going for the Implosion Bomb right away!
(Thump . . . thump . . . thump . . . thump . . . thud.)
Implosion bomb? What's that? Hey! Doesn't all
this sound strangely familiar?
Come to think of it . . . yeah! What the heck is going on?
Give me that script.
Script? Heh. Huh?
Oh, just give it to me! See? The words "Friday
Friday Friday" are crossed out, and "Thursday Something-or-Other" is
(Captain Twilight takes out a pen and proceeds o do a little
Oh, Lord. Well, Sir Hungalot back in now, wailing away at Implosion.
Hungalot . . . with a hurricanrana?
OK, well, Hunaglot going up top now . . . 450 splash!
What a great move!
Hungalot going for a powerbomb . . . reversal by Implosion into a
These guys are great!!!
Well, Hungalot answers back with a bodyslam followed by a senton splash
off the ropes . . . one, two, kickout by Implosion. He tags out to
This ought to be good!
Oh, look, Scythe has sprouted wings. Terrific. Oh, and here comes a
run-in by the STWF Girls. Fortunately, they are stopped in their tracks
by Mira Maniac. Mira Maniac?
Just call the match.
VP back in now. Wait, that's not the Violent Pacifist . . . he rips off
his "mask" . . . (sigh)
...and it's the recently-removed-from-the-Ivory-Tower-dungeon Ben
Matera! Matera doesn't seem intimidated by Scythe's wings. Whip to the
ropes by Matera. The New Olympian with a spinning neckbreaker on Scythe.
One, two, three. And this match comes to a merciful conclusion. Do you
understand NOW why we don't let you do any booking?
We'll be right back.
Two teenagers are sitting in a mall parking lot.
Teen #1: Blue is my favorite color!
Teen #2: Red is my favorite color!
Teen #1: I win! I win!
Diversity at Tonea's.
What the hell?
You know, Tonea's pizza parlor was my favorite
hangout when I was a kid.
I think you mean "Tony's" pizza parlor.
I do . . . but how could you know that?
Let's move on. Our next match is Mittens . . . against Bohemoth?
Why is this not in the main event? Who books this crap?
Be careful what you say, McMadden.
(a nice pop from the crowd)
And his opponent, from Charleston, WV, perhaps one of the most fearsome
individuals ever let loose on society...here is BOHEMOTH!
(He enters to Grieg, a nice pop and ThatGuy is making a special
appearance to add to the pop)
The two men are ready to go.
It looks like Grampa is still smarting from that last
And Mittens doesn't look too happy about it!
Wow! He's really tearing into Bohemoth!
Wow, indeed, Cap! Mittens sure can channel that rage. He has Bohemoth in
Bohemoth can handle it though. Not much sign of
Mittens releases the hold. Powerbomb! Here's a cover...
He just barely got out of that one, Vince. Uh...or
Mittens dragging Bohemoth over near the corner. He's going up . . . TOP
ROPE VADER BOMB! But NO! He missed!
Vader? Who's that?
How am I supposed to know? Bohemoth on the offensive now. Plentiful
forearm shots to loosen the big man. Powerslam by Bohemoth. He hooks the
leg. 1...2...kickout. Bohemoth with a tilty-whirl backbreaker.
I think that was my line. If anyone would say
something is tilty-whirl, it would be me.
Right you are. Grampa and SHC are giving encouragement to the big lug as
Bohemoth puts Mittens in a bodyscissors.
Not every day you see so much bulk in that kind of
You haven't been to Jamal's house.
Careful, he's a fan favourite now. Insulting them
would make you a heel.
It wasn't an insult, he could tell you himself! Mittens powers out of the
hold. Hiplock takeover by Mittens. Big chunky legdrop by the guy with the
beanie on his head and the Mickey Mouse T-shirt.
That's not an "event security" T-shirt!
Cute, Cap, real cute. Anyway, it looks like Mittens is going for the
Glove! He's got it on!
Just a matter of time here, great ring positioning by
Mittens. Maybe he's not as dumb as he looks.
Grampa: Cap, how could you? He's in YOUR stable!
I calls 'em like I sees 'em! And that's what I'm
paid to do.
And . . . is that it?! Bohemoth is reaching for the ropes! He could
actually do it, with his huge reach. If this were anyone smaller, say Sir
Hungalot, they'd be done for.
I doubt Sir Hungalot would like to be referred to as
Bohemoth with a big headbutt that drives Mittens down. He lumbers up to
the top rope...but he doesn't have the energy. He goes to the middle
rope...SMASHER! Slightly less effective, but it's a 490-lb. moonsault,
it's still gotta hurt. The cover: 1...2...3!
Mittens put up a hell of a fight, but he just
couldn't pull it off in the end. A little more seasoning, and I could
seriously see him with gold.
Good point. We'll be right back with our first ever TSO main
Promotional consideration paid for by the following:
(A guy standing on top of a library in a chicken costume. That's not
the Doomsday Chicken, is it?)
CHICKEN GUY: Today, we will see which came first, the chicken, or the
(Guy jumps off of the roof. An off-camera splat is heard.)
Diversity at Tonea's. What the hell?
And we're back. Up next, it's the main event as Dr.Snare take on Claude
Leroux, with the North American Title on the line.
As to our previous question, Bohemoth/Mittens was
NOT the main event and this was, because "that other match didn't contain
a Hubcapper or a Gallery-ite". This "elite" stable crap is really
Well, not much you can do unless you plan to flunkie up to an
Coming to the ring at this time, from Moosebutt,
British Columbia, weighing 241 lbs... here is
CLAUDE "LIGHTNING FINGERS" LEROUX!
(Pop from the crowd worthy of a megaface)
And his opponent, from Jackson, Tennessee, weighing 275 lbs., the current
STWF North American champion, here is DOCTOR SNARE.
(Nice pop for Snare, bigger pop for Kandi Stryper, some boos because
he's fighting a megaface)
Here we go, fans, the "main event". They lock up. Hammerlock by Snare.
Leroux pushes out, off the ropes, lariat by Leroux.
Nice job getting out of that hold.
Snare up, arm-drag takedown. Nip-up by Leroux. Off the ropes again.
Kick to the gut by Leroux. Powerslam!
Hey, Leroux is better than I remember!
Snare back up now. Side headlock by Snare. Leroux escapes. Rocker
Dropper out of nowhere by Snare!!!
Hey, Snare is better than I remember!
Anyway, Snare picks Leroux up by the head. European uppercut. Whip to
the ropes. Tries a sunset flip, but Leroux comes crashing down on his
This is the opening he's been waiting
(Motions toward her crotch) No, THIS is the opening he's been waiting
Ugh! That was a little unsettling.
Yeah, let's try to keep it clean,
Is it too late to say this program has been rated
TV-14 for mature subject matter?
Probably. Snare clutching his ribcage in agony. Leroux with a legdrop.
Cover . . . one . . . two . . . three - NO! Shoulder up. So close.
Snare looks like he may have punctured a
Well, I think Leroux did the puncturing, but I get the idea. Looks like
Leroux is setting up for his Maple Leaf submission.
Yes, that Maple Leaf sure is tough.
(sound of stuff breaking blares over the loudspeaker. Crowd goes
Wait!!! Here comes Luke Warm! We didn't even think he was in the building
Oh, yeah, then how did they know to play his
Shut UP! Maybe Vic's on the ball...but SHUT UP! Leroux about to make a
cover . . . one . . . two . . . THE COVER BROKEN BY LUKE WARM?!
I think Luke is having a tough time remembering who
his stable-mates are!
Luke Warm: That title belongs to me, and that's the lower
OHHHH!!! A Stonecutter for Leroux! The RHM will not be happy about this.
Luke helps Snare up . . . AND GIVES HIM A STONECUTTER, TOO!!! Oh, wait,
paramedics now in the ring to attend to Snare . . . AND STONECUTTERS ALL
AROUND!!! Here comes the mother of one of the paramedics who happened to
be in the crowd tonight and just wants to see if her son is OK . . . YOU
GUESSED IT - STONECUTTER!!! Luke seems satisfied with his work, as he
gives the crowd the double thumbs-up!
He opens up a Luke-Hoo, and celebrates in the middle of the ring.
That Luke is one thirsty S.O.B.!
He is indeed, Cap. And we are out of time, folks, but be sure to join us
next week for a show that couldn't possibly live up to this one. On
behalf of Captain Twilight, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, join us
next week for Thursday Something-or-Other. Or something.
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo
Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre