STWF: UNTESTED
 
 
(Hokey rock music plays over a hurriedly pasted together montage of STWF Superstars. Most of the footage is from the past couple of MNTs...  Hey, was that B.F. Sack SackHammering Bohemoth? When was that??) 
(Pan the Slobberknocker Arena... Most of the Monday Nae Trous Banners are still up, along with several hand-lettered "UNTESTED" Banners. The pyro guys are passing a single sparkler back and forth... guess the budget got a little stretched by the extra show. Violent Vinnie is not there, but his seat has a sign reading "You asked for this, DK" propped up on it. The budget limitations are even more obvious when it becomes apparent that the Spanish, French and English commentary teams are all sharing one rather crowded table) 
 
Welcome everyone to the STWF's Untested! I'm Angus "Vince" Mcmadden and with me tonight, my slightly-senile sidekick, Captain Twilight.
Thanks Vince and I'm sorry I couldn't be here in person tonight. 
Uhhh.. yeah, whatever. Well It should be a spectacular night.. at least we hope so.. I mean these guys might really suck.. but anyway, our only competition in this timeslot is Championship Monopoly from Vegas, so it doesn't really matter.
Nuts, I was going to tape that..
And speaking of nuts, tonight sees Petey the Peanut Guy taking on the debutante Billy the Baker. Also, Dan "The Beachman" Smith is on the card as he squares off with Intern Man. The Mad Cow also has his first match, taking on one of our superstars.. well, sub-superstar.. OK, it's BILL... As a matter of fact lets get this one over with now...
Spanish Announcer: Gooooooooaaalll!! Gooooaaallll!!
Can we move over a little, Cap?
Only if you want to sit at the timekeepers table.
Never mind. 
The following contest is scheduled for one fall or one injury. introducing first, from Calgary, Alberta, weighing...uh...this card is smudged! Oh well. THE MAD COW!!
("Cowboy Song" by Garth Brooks plays as the Mad Cow enters to an indifferent reaction.. guess we're not in Montana..)
And his opponent... BILL... this should be fun..
Announcer Lads getting sarcastic early today...
("Cowboy Song" plays again briefly. Then Beck's "Loser" plays for a while. Finally, "The William Tell Overture" is cued... BILL makes his entrance, looking confused.)
What's up with Vic today?
Don't ask...
Vic?? What are you doing here??
Two guys just took over my booth and locked me out. Mind if I sit in? My contract is strictly no-bump, so I'm not going back until it's all clear up there.
Uhhh.. sure. Chet, can we see what's happening in the booth? 
***bell rings. 
 Kamera Kid is on his way to the booth as BILL and the Mad Cow lock up.. a big shove sends BILL to the canvas. He bounces right back up and gets a right hand for his trouble. Big bodyslam by the Cow... follows up with a headbutt.
BILL into his usual gameplan of letting the opponent punch himself out I see... 
Now MC is dragging BILL over to the corner.. crowd counts along..
Crowd: ONE!...
Mad Cow's attention span is worse than our fans.. A series of chops now. BILL fires back with one of his own.
BILL finally showing some offense.. 
Nicely put Vic.
Hey, I was going to say that!
Try to keep up, Cap... BILL tries to take control of this match, but Mad Cow delivers a well-placed blow to the lower abdominals.. 
The Extremely lower abs... soprano city for BILL. The Mad cow seizes the advantage. 
Seizes his what? My goodness! 
This isn't a rating, but you're getting close...
 
MC's setting up BILL now... looks like it's time for the Bull Rush... and here it comes!! (describe finisher)
I think this is over..
Well put Vic.. 1..2..3.  
Here is your winner.. THE MAD COW!!
Wait a minute.. here comes someone out of the crowd.. It's "Flash" Flanagan!! 
WHAM!! Nails BILL with a coal miner's glove.. BILL goes down clutching his face.. some new scars from that one, I think. 
Flanagan sending a message to the Asylum here.. whoa, Mad Cow just leveled Flanagan with a huge clothesline.. these two going at it now.. looks like they're going to fight all the way to the locker room. 
And now Bohemoth comes out.. a three way brawl erupts on the ramp!!
Great stuff. You couldn't ask for a better start to a show! And I've just been told we have a camera at the sound booth.
(We get a shaky hand-held shot through the sound booth's window to reveal that the Head Trauma Boys and "Violent" Vinnie Mansbridge have barricaded themselves in. However, Vinnie is looking pained, the usual reaction from anyone locked in a room with the HTBs. Flatline is playing with the music tapes, while Coma is banging his head on the console. STWF security is outside, planning their strategy.)
Security Chief: Ummm.. anyone got a key?
It looks like a protest from the Head Trauma Boys and Violent Vinnie is in progress.
Well, we are showing off our new stars, and those three have been trying for contracts for ages.
Ah, who cares... lets get on with the next match.
Well put, Vic.
The following contest has been designated a No-DQ, Falls count anywhere match, scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, the special referee, the Corporate Lawman, CLAUDE "LIGHTNING FINGERS" LEROUX!
(The supremely inappropriate "Born In The U.S.A" plays.  No-one appears.)
Ahhh... okay.... introducing , from Toronto, Ontario and accompanied by Mr. Planters, PETEY THE PEANUT GUY!!
(Crowd gives a not-too-shabby pop, as "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" is cued by Flatline. Still no-one emerges.)
Right... Ummm.... from Las Vegas, Nevada...BILLY THE BAKER!!??
(Various feedback sounds as Coma plays with the controls. The aisle still has a distinct lack of wrestlers in it.)
What's going on? Did everyone forfeit??
Wait a minute... I'm being told... IT'S ALREADY STARTED!!!
Not the boiler room.. not the boiler room...
(We get one of those running-down-the-hallway-shots to reveal Billy and Petey slugging it out at the concession stand. Several amazed fans are present, as well as Gary "The Glutton". Claude is playing background music on his accordion)
Look at these two go at it!! Billy slamming Peteys head into the counter.. Pete retaliates with a handful of extra-salty popcorn.. that's gotta sting!! A rain of closed fists drive the satanic baker to his knees. And Petey slaps on a headlock..
Billy's groping for something.. he's got a hot dog! OH! Petey's getting viciously gouged by Billy's wiener!
Last warning guys....
Billy drags Pete over the counter and sticks the peanut vendor's head into the popcorn popper!
(CLANG!CLANG!CLANG!)
Billy slamming the lid on Peteys head now!! These two are pulling out all the stops!
Apparently the loser has to wrestle Streetmime, so it's not surprising..
Petey finally extricates his head from the popcorn popper. He grabs a soda dispenser and blinds Billy with a spray of root beer.. Billy's down!!
It was Marq's(TM) Root beer... I'm not surprised he's down. Or itching at the very least.
Nice move from Pete.
Good contribution, Vic. Petey sticks the soda dispenser down the front of Billys pant's and begins filling them with club soda. Headbutt. Clothesline! OHH!! Kamera Kid goes down, struck with a high-velocity spray of lightly carbonated soft drink. Sorry, fans. We'll try to update you on this match as soon as we can. In the meantime, Lenny "The Force" Baxter is on his way to the ring.
To the "Star Wars" theme no less.
Lenny: Hey!! All the other new guys are getting a match... I want one too!! I issue an open challange! Who wants some??
Pass me the hat and the script, Cap. Random opponent coming up.
("Last Dance with Mary Jane" plays at three times its normal speed. Necro Phil nearly winds himself getting to the ring on time)
Lenny jumps Phil before the
***bell rings
and we're under way! Phil is dragged to the corner for a series of turnbuckles. Waistlock by Lenny into a German release suplex. Whips Phil into the  corner and follows up with a dropkick! Nowhere for Phil to go on that one!
The smaller man is well on top of this one. Monkey flips Phil out of the corner. Climbs the ropes for a moonsault.
Phil's up though. Lenny doesn't notice! Executes the moonsault anyway!!
This boy's about two bricks short of a full load.. 
Thanks Vic.. Phil drops an elbow on the prone Canadian. Picks him up and delivers a side suplex.. cover.. 1..2.. kickout. Phil whips Lenny to the rope. The Force reverses it and levels Phil with a drop-toehold onto the bottom rope.
What a contest! This one could go on all night!! 
Not if I can help it. Give me that script.
Lenny battering Phil into the turnbuckle now. Rakes the eyes on the top rope. Clothesline and Phil's out to the floor! Lenny hauls Phil over to the announcers' table.. but there's no room for him to slam Phil into it. 
(THUD!)
Well there will be soon.. there goes the French announcers! 
(THUD!)
And the Spanish!! 
(THUD!!)
And Captain Twilight!! 
No Bumps!! No Bumps!!
(THUD!)
Lenny nails Vic as well!! Phil's had time to recover and he grabs a chair!! Lenny gets the full force of it across his back!!! This one's over!! 
The winner of this match as the result of a disqualification... LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER!!
Well as I'm rejoined by captain Twilight and Vic the sound Guy, lets see what's happening with the Billy the Baker/Petey the Peanut Guy match.
I'm going to get you for that one, Vince..
(The Monstron shows a long concrete hallway. Several obvious props are set up along its length. Claude Leroux is playing suspenseful music. No-one else is in shot. Abruptly, Petey and Billy burst out of a janitor's closet.)
Good Lord!! Look at these two going at it! Billy has the upper hand, as he pounds away with an aluminum bucket. Look at that metal deform beneath those blows!! The damage he must be doing to Petey's skull!!!
Isn't it nice to have a mark in the commentary team again, eh Cap?
I don't think Vic gets out much, Vince.
Billy grabs a broom, and smashes it over Pete's back. Throws him into a convenient roller door. A couple of STWF flunkies roll out the chain link fence on wheels and Petey gets whipped into that too!! 
Billy in total control now! Charges Petey, who ducks and backdrops Billy into a pile of crowd control stanchions!! Pete grabs a velvet rope and starts choking Billy with it!! OH!! One of Billy's nun valets just crowned Petey with a loaded baking tray. Mini muffins fly everywhere!!
Claude shrugs. It's as legal as a headlock in this one.
Billy covers.. 1..2.. no! Billy legdrops Petey on the concrete... elbowdrop... and a German suplex! Pins him again...
Claude: Un!! Deux... non!!!
Just a two count.. Billy picks up Pete and gets a shot to the face from nowhere!! Gutkick by Petey.. and a double underhook suplex!!
(CRUNCH!!)
Right through the table!!!
What the heck was a table doing in the corridor?
Don't ask, Vic.. Billy and Pete fight through a doorway.. What action!! What intensity!!!
What about a commercial?
Why not?
Introducing the NEW!! Shiklette Super Ultra Maxi Plus Shaving System. The worlds first 15-blade razor, with a world record 32 lubricating strips!!! Here's how it works!!
(A complex looking razor is shown. An animation accompanies the spiel, making little sense of proceedings.)
The 1st blade Approaches the hair, using all available cover,
The 2nd Blade Distracts the hair,
The 3rd Blade Apprehends the hair, and takes it away for questioning.
Blades 4 and 5 play Good Blade/Bad Blade,
The 6th Blade plants evidence on the hair, 
The 7th Blade seizes the hair, 
The 8th lifts the hair, allowing the 9th and 10th Blades to actually cut the hair. 
The 11th blade Buries the hair in an unmarked grave,
The 12th Cleans up the scene, 
The 13th doe the paperwork, and the 14th makes coffee. 
And the 15th?? Well, he's just along for the ride! 
 
Schiklette: Making Shaving a Baffling Ordeal Since 1957!!
We're back! And in the break, the Billy the Baker/ Petey the Peanut guy match has gone the length and breadth of the arena!
You're telling me! I didn't even know the Slobberknocker HAD a ballroom..
But now the combatants are finally on their way down the aisle. Billy still has the frying pan he picked up in the kitchen, and he's taking it to the back of Petey's head!! Here they come... straight towards us!!
(CRUNCH!!)
Well there goes the table.. guess we will have to use the timekeeper's table after all...
Way ahead of you Vince..
Save me a seat, Vic.
Billy drags Petey out of the remains of our table and rolls him into the ring... covers... where the heck is Claude?
Signing autographs at ringside.. Typical Hubcapper.. 
Billy can't believe it!! He rolls out of the ring and gets a chair. Going up the ropes with it.. looks like a Peanut Pancake coming up!! 
Mr. Planters is on the apron!! He's got Billy's ankle!! Billy loses his balance and falls!! 
(KWANGG!!) 
That's gonna leave a dent.. 
Peteys up... he's going for the Peanut Buster Parfait!!! Nails Billy with it!! 
Claude's in the ring.. 1...2..........3!!!!!!!!!!! 
 Here is your winner.. PETEY THE PEANUT GUY!!!!
(The Danish National Anthem plays. No one knows why.)
What a match!! Billy doesn't look happy at losing his debut match.. He's got the chair... WHAM!! Petey knocked clear into the crowd with that one.. the two of them disappear into the fans.. somehow I doubt this feud's over..
Well this show's nearly over.. Time for our Main Event..  such as it is.
This match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing from Anchorage, Alaska, weighing 342 lbs., DAN "THE BEACHMAN" SMITH!!
(An obnoxiously loud medley of Ramones songs plays as Dan enters to a good pop.)
Isn't that the Head Trauma Boys theme music? Do they have some connection to the Beachman?? Or am I just spreading rumors?
I'll take door number three, Bob.
And his opponent, representing Club Med, INTERN MAN!!
(The Ramones Medley continues as Intern Man enters, accompanied by Club Med in its entirety. This takes some time. Barry consults his manual and does the old "Tear-up-the-little-kid's-autograph-book-schtick". The kid's mother flattens Barry with her handbag.)
Well we're ready to go in this main event debut for the Beachman.. Can anyone hear me?? Can someone turn the music off??
(A quick shot of the sound booth reveals that Flatline and Coma are gone. "Violent" Vinnie is tied to a slowly revolving chair, gagged with a Luke Warm T-shirt. Security are trying to release him.)
Security Chief: Umm.. anyone got any scissors?
Guess not. In the meantime, The Beachman has quickly taken control of this match, and is now introducing Intern Man's head to the turnbuckle. Picks him up and delivers a crushing back suplex. The Beachman up to the second rope and quickly launches a reverse elbow to Intern's stomach.
Club Med spreading out around the ring.. And Barry just grabbed Dan's ankle as he bounced off the ropes... the Beachman is distracted long enough for Intern Man to lowblow him.. 
Guess they really are going for some heel heat.. and the crowd's letting them know about it.. Barry turns to the crowd.. and gets nailed by the lady's handbag again.. 
Is that Judy Bagwell?? 
I sincerely hope not. Intern Man stops for a shot of java and now he's really moving.. elbow smash on the Beachman.. kneelift... bulldog headlock.. rolls him up.. 1..2.. no good. 
Intern's looking hot.. whips Dan to the ropes, drops his head.. and pays for it!! Big jawjacker from the Beachman!
HEY! HO! LET'S GO!! 
Was that a comment or are you singing along to "Blitzkrieg Bop", Vic?  
A little of both, Vince. Look at the Beachman powerpressing Intern man.. walks him over to the ropes and just drops him onto the Ambulance Jockeys.. 
Dr. Snare's on the apron now.. ref goes over to shoo him away.. and the rest of Club Med swarm the Beachman!!! They're all getting their shots in.. Dan goes down beneath a rain of blows and kicks.. this looks bad for Dan. 
Wait a minute.. the Head Trauma Boys are on their way down the aisle.. Is Flatline dressed as a doctor?? 
Flatline: Uhhhh... like Nurse Heidi?... Like I got my diploma.. wanna like... date??
(Kamera Kid zooms in on the diploma, whickh is hand-written and reads "Doctor of Stuffology.. presented to Flatline by Anthony Hopkins Medical School.") 
I think the Ambulance Jockeys have had enough. They leave the Beachman alone and slide out to the floor.. Barry and Garry all over The HTBS now..a huge brawl erupting on the floor..
Intern Man's looking confused in the ring.. The Beachman's back on his feet.. Intern Man turns just in time to get picked up and receive the Beach Bash Running Powerbomb!!! Cover:1...2...3!
HERE IS YOUR WINNER! DAN "THE BEACHMAN" SMITHHHH"!!! 
The match is over but the brawl continues inside the ring and out.. Billy the Baker and Petey the Peanut guy just came out of the crowd, still at each others throats!! The Circus Freaks have arrived and are double teaming Garry Greene!! StreetMime is rappelling down from the rafters!! Oh, he seems to be stuck.. now the Bully is here and he's batting StreetMime around like a tetherball.. Homicidal Hank crawls out from beneath the ring and is attacking everybody!! That lady with the handbag is brutalizing BILL!! Vic and Captain Twilight are heading for higher ground, so for the STWF, I'm Angus "Vince" Mcmadden saying so long!!