music plays over a hurriedly
pasted together montage of STWF Superstars. Most of the footage
is from the past couple of MNTs... Hey, was that B.F. Sack
SackHammering Bohemoth? When was that??)
Slobberknocker Arena... Most of the Monday Nae Trous Banners are still up, along
with several hand-lettered "UNTESTED" Banners. The pyro guys are
passing a single sparkler back and forth... guess the budget got a little
stretched by the extra show. Violent Vinnie is not there, but his seat has a
sign reading "You asked for this, DK" propped up on it. The budget
limitations are even more obvious when it becomes apparent that the Spanish,
French and English commentary teams are all sharing one rather crowded
Welcome everyone to the
STWF's Untested! I'm Angus "Vince" Mcmadden and with me tonight, my
slightly-senile sidekick, Captain Twilight.
Thanks Vince and
I'm sorry I couldn't be here in person tonight.
Uhhh.. yeah, whatever.
Well It should be a spectacular night.. at least we hope so.. I mean these guys
might really suck.. but anyway, our only competition in this timeslot is
Championship Monopoly from Vegas, so it doesn't really matter.
Nuts, I was going to tape
And speaking of nuts, tonight sees Petey the
Peanut Guy taking on the debutante Billy the Baker. Also, Dan
"The Beachman" Smith is on the card as he squares off with Intern Man.
The Mad Cow also has his first match, taking on one of our superstars.. well,
sub-superstar.. OK, it's BILL... As a matter of fact lets get this one over with
Spanish Announcer: Gooooooooaaalll!!
Can we move over a little, Cap?
Only if you want to sit at
the timekeepers table.
following contest is scheduled for one fall or one injury. introducing first,
from Calgary, Alberta, weighing...uh...this card is smudged! Oh well. THE
("Cowboy Song" by Garth Brooks plays
as the Mad Cow enters to an
indifferent reaction.. guess we're not in Montana..)
And his opponent... BILL... this should be
Announcer Lads getting sarcastic early
("Cowboy Song" plays again briefly.
"Loser" plays for a while. Finally, "The William Tell
Overture" is cued... BILL makes his entrance, looking
What's up with Vic today?
Vic?? What are
you doing here??
Two guys just took over my booth and locked me out. Mind
if I sit in? My contract is strictly no-bump, so I'm not going back until it's
all clear up there.
Uhhh.. sure. Chet, can we see what's happening
in the booth?
Kamera Kid is on his way to the booth as
BILL and the Mad Cow lock up.. a big shove sends BILL to the canvas. He bounces
right back up and gets a right hand for his trouble. Big bodyslam by the Cow...
follows up with a headbutt.
BILL into his usual gameplan of letting the
opponent punch himself out I see...
is dragging BILL over to the corner.. crowd counts
Mad Cow's attention span is worse than
fans.. A series of chops now. BILL fires back with one of his
BILL finally showing some
Nicely put Vic.
Hey, I was going to say
Try to keep up, Cap... BILL tries to
control of this match, but Mad Cow delivers a well-placed blow to the lower
The Extremely lower abs...
soprano city for BILL. The Mad cow seizes the advantage.
Seizes his what? My
This isn't a rating,
MC's setting up BILL now... looks like it's time for the
Bull Rush... and here it comes!! (describe finisher)
I think this is over..
Well put Vic.. 1..2..3.
Here is your winner.. THE MAD COW!!
Wait a minute.. here comes
someone out of the crowd.. It's "Flash" Flanagan!!
WHAM!! Nails BILL with a coal miner's
BILL goes down clutching his face.. some new scars from that one, I
Flanagan sending a message to the Asylum
here.. whoa, Mad Cow just leveled Flanagan with a huge clothesline.. these two
going at it now.. looks like they're going to fight all the way to the locker
And now Bohemoth comes
out.. a three way brawl erupts on the ramp!!
Great stuff. You couldn't ask for a better
start to a show! And I've just been told we have a camera at the sound
(We get a shaky
hand-held shot through the sound booth's window to reveal that the Head
Boys and "Violent" Vinnie Mansbridge have barricaded themselves in.
However, Vinnie is looking pained, the usual reaction from anyone locked
room with the HTBs. Flatline is playing with the music tapes, while Coma is
banging his head on the console. STWF security is outside, planning their
Security Chief: Ummm.. anyone got a
It looks like a protest from the Head Trauma
Boys and Violent Vinnie is in progress.
Well, we are showing off
our new stars, and those three have been trying for contracts for
Ah, who cares... lets get
on with the next match.
Well put, Vic.
The following contest
has been designated a No-DQ, Falls count anywhere match, scheduled for one fall.
Introducing first, the special referee, the Corporate Lawman, CLAUDE
"LIGHTNING FINGERS" LEROUX!
(The supremely inappropriate "Born In The
U.S.A" plays. No-one appears.)
Ahhh... okay.... introducing , from Toronto,
Ontario and accompanied by Mr. Planters, PETEY THE PEANUT
(Crowd gives a not-too-shabby pop, as "Take Me Out
to the Ballgame" is cued by Flatline. Still no-one
Right... Ummm.... from Las Vegas, Nevada...BILLY
(Various feedback sounds as Coma plays with the controls.
The aisle still has a distinct lack of wrestlers in it.)
What's going on? Did
Wait a minute... I'm being told... IT'S ALREADY
Not the boiler room.. not
the boiler room...
(We get one of those
running-down-the-hallway-shots to reveal Billy and Petey slugging it out at the
concession stand. Several amazed fans are present, as well as Gary "The
Glutton". Claude is playing background music on his
Look at these two go at
it!! Billy slamming Peteys head into the counter.. Pete retaliates with a
handful of extra-salty popcorn.. that's gotta sting!! A rain of closed fists
drive the satanic baker to his knees. And Petey slaps on a
for something.. he's got a hot dog! OH! Petey's getting viciously
gouged by Billy's wiener!
Last warning guys....
Billy drags Pete over the
counter and sticks the peanut vendor's head into the popcorn
Billy slamming the lid on
Peteys head now!! These two are pulling out all the stops!
Apparently the loser has to wrestle Streetmime, so it's not
Petey finally extricates his head from the
popcorn popper. He grabs a soda dispenser and blinds Billy with a spray of root
beer.. Billy's down!!
It was Marq's(TM)
Root beer... I'm not surprised he's down. Or itching
at the very least.
Nice move from
Good contribution, Vic. Petey sticks the soda
dispenser down the front of Billys pant's and begins filling them with
Headbutt. Clothesline! OHH!! Kamera Kid goes down, struck with a high-velocity
spray of lightly carbonated soft drink. Sorry, fans. We'll try to update you on
this match as soon as we can. In the meantime, Lenny "The Force"
Baxter is on his way to the ring.
To the "Star
Wars" theme no less.
Lenny: Hey!! All the other new guys are
getting a match... I want one too!! I issue an open challange! Who wants
Pass me the hat and the script, Cap. Random
opponent coming up.
("Last Dance with
Mary Jane" plays at three times its normal speed. Necro Phil nearly winds
himself getting to the ring on time)
Lenny jumps Phil before the
and we're under way! Phil is
dragged to the corner for a series of turnbuckles. Waistlock by Lenny into a
German release suplex. Whips Phil into the corner and follows up
dropkick! Nowhere for Phil to go on that one!
man is well on top of this one. Monkey flips Phil out of the corner. Climbs the
ropes for a moonsault.
Phil's up though. Lenny doesn't
notice! Executes the moonsault anyway!!
This boy's about two
short of a full load..
Thanks Vic.. Phil drops an elbow
on the prone Canadian. Picks him up and delivers a side suplex.. cover.. 1..2..
kickout. Phil whips Lenny to the rope. The Force reverses it and levels Phil
with a drop-toehold onto the bottom rope.
What a contest! This one
could go on all night!!
if I can help it. Give me that script.
Lenny battering Phil into the
turnbuckle now. Rakes the eyes on the top rope. Clothesline and Phil's out
floor! Lenny hauls Phil over to the announcers' table.. but there's no
room for him
to slam Phil into it.
Well there will be soon.. there goes the
And the Spanish!!
And Captain Twilight!!
No Bumps!! No
Lenny nails Vic as well!! Phil's had
recover and he grabs a chair!! Lenny gets the full force of it across his
back!!! This one's over!!
The winner of this match as the result of a
disqualification... LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER!!
Well as I'm rejoined by captain Twilight
and Vic the sound Guy, lets see what's
happening with the Billy the Baker/Petey the Peanut Guy
I'm going to get you for that one, Vince..
(The Monstron shows a
long concrete hallway. Several obvious props are set up along its length. Claude
Leroux is playing suspenseful music. No-one else is in shot. Abruptly, Petey and
Billy burst out of a janitor's closet.)
Good Lord!! Look at
these two going at it! Billy has the upper hand, as he pounds away with an
aluminum bucket. Look at that metal deform beneath those blows!! The
must be doing to Petey's skull!!!
Isn't it nice to have a mark in the commentary team
again, eh Cap?
I don't think Vic gets out
grabs a broom, and smashes it over Pete's back. Throws him into a
convenient roller door. A couple of STWF flunkies roll out the chain link fence on wheels
and Petey gets whipped into that too!!
Billy in total control
now! Charges Petey, who ducks and backdrops Billy into a pile of crowd
stanchions!! Pete grabs a velvet rope and starts choking Billy with it!! OH!!
One of Billy's nun valets just crowned Petey
with a loaded baking tray. Mini muffins fly
Claude shrugs. It's as legal as a headlock in
Billy covers.. 1..2.. no!
Billy legdrops Petey on the concrete... elbowdrop... and a German suplex!
Claude: Un!! Deux...
Just a two count.. Billy picks up Pete and
gets a shot to the face from nowhere!! Gutkick by Petey.. and a double underhook
Right through the table!!!
What the heck was a table
doing in the corridor?
Don't ask, Vic.. Billy and Pete fight
doorway.. What action!! What intensity!!!
What about a
Introducing the NEW!! Shiklette Super Ultra Maxi Plus Shaving System. The worlds
first 15-blade razor, with a world record 32 lubricating strips!!! Here's how it
(A complex looking razor is shown. An
animation accompanies the spiel, making little sense of
The 1st blade Approaches the hair, using all
The 2nd Blade Distracts the hair,
The 3rd Blade Apprehends the hair, and takes
it away for questioning.
Blades 4 and 5 play Good Blade/Bad
The 6th Blade plants evidence on the
The 7th Blade seizes the
The 8th lifts the hair, allowing the 9th and
10th Blades to actually cut the hair.
The 11th blade Buries the hair in an unmarked
The 12th Cleans up the
The 13th doe the paperwork, and the 14th makes
And the 15th?? Well, he's just along for the
Schiklette: Making Shaving a Baffling Ordeal
We're back! And in the break, the Billy the
Baker/ Petey the Peanut guy match has gone the length and breadth of the
You're telling me! I didn't even
know the Slobberknocker HAD a ballroom..
But now the combatants are finally on their
way down the aisle. Billy still has the frying pan he picked up in the kitchen,
and he's taking it to the back of Petey's head!! Here they come...
Well there goes the table.. guess we will have
to use the timekeeper's table after all...
Way ahead of you
Save me a seat,
Billy drags Petey out of the remains of our
table and rolls him into the ring... covers... where the heck is
Signing autographs at
ringside.. Typical Hubcapper..
Billy can't believe it!! He rolls out of the
ring and gets a chair. Going up the ropes with it.. looks like a Peanut Pancake
Mr. Planters is on
the apron!! He's got Billy's ankle!! Billy loses his balance and
That's gonna leave a
Peteys up... he's going
for the Peanut Buster Parfait!!! Nails Billy with it!!
Claude's in the ring..
Here is your winner.. PETEY THE PEANUT
(The Danish National
Anthem plays. No one knows why.)
What a match!! Billy doesn't
look happy at losing his debut match.. He's got the chair... WHAM!! Petey
knocked clear into the crowd with that one.. the two of them disappear into the
fans.. somehow I doubt this feud's over..
Well this show's nearly
Time for our Main Event.. such as it is.
This match is scheduled
for one fall. Introducing from Anchorage, Alaska, weighing 342 lbs., DAN
(An obnoxiously loud
medley of Ramones songs plays as Dan enters to a good
Isn't that the Head Trauma Boys
theme music? Do they have some connection to the Beachman?? Or am I just
I'll take door number
And his opponent,
representing Club Med, INTERN MAN!!
(The Ramones Medley continues as
Intern Man enters, accompanied by Club Med in its entirety. This takes some
time. Barry consults his manual and does the old
"Tear-up-the-little-kid's-autograph-book-schtick". The kid's
mother flattens Barry with her handbag.)
Well we're ready to go in this
main event debut for the Beachman.. Can anyone hear me?? Can someone turn the
(A quick shot of the
sound booth reveals that Flatline and Coma are gone. "Violent" Vinnie
is tied to a slowly revolving chair, gagged with a Luke Warm T-shirt. Security
are trying to release him.)
Security Chief: Umm.. anyone
got any scissors?
Guess not. In the meantime, The Beachman has
quickly taken control of this match, and is now introducing Intern Man's
the turnbuckle. Picks him up and delivers a crushing back suplex. The Beachman
up to the second rope and quickly launches a reverse elbow to Intern's
Club Med spreading out
around the ring.. And Barry just grabbed Dan's ankle as he bounced off the
ropes... the Beachman is distracted long enough for Intern Man to lowblow
Guess they really are
going for some heel heat.. and the crowd's letting them know about it..
Barry turns to the crowd.. and gets nailed by the lady's handbag
Is that Judy
I sincerely hope not. Intern Man stops for a
shot of java and now he's really moving.. elbow smash on the Beachman..
kneelift... bulldog headlock.. rolls him up.. 1..2.. no good.
whips Dan to the ropes, drops his head.. and pays for it!! Big jawjacker from
HEY! HO! LET'S
Was that a comment or are you singing along to
"Blitzkrieg Bop", Vic?
A little of both, Vince.
Look at the Beachman powerpressing Intern man.. walks him over to the ropes and
just drops him onto the Ambulance Jockeys..
Dr. Snare's on the apron now.. ref goes
over to shoo him away.. and the rest of Club Med swarm the Beachman!!! They're all
getting their shots in.. Dan goes down beneath a rain of blows and kicks.. this
looks bad for Dan.
Wait a minute.. the Head
Trauma Boys are on their way down the aisle.. Is Flatline dressed as a
Flatline: Uhhhh... like Nurse
Heidi?... Like I got my diploma.. wanna like... date??
(Kamera Kid zooms in on the
diploma, whickh is hand-written and reads "Doctor of Stuffology.. presented
to Flatline by Anthony Hopkins Medical School.")
I think the Ambulance
Jockeys have had enough. They leave the Beachman alone and slide out to the
floor.. Barry and Garry all over The HTBS now..a huge brawl erupting on the
Intern Man's looking confused in the ring..
The Beachman's back on his feet.. Intern Man turns just in time to get
picked up and receive the Beach Bash Running Powerbomb!!!
HERE IS YOUR
WINNER! DAN "THE BEACHMAN" SMITHHHH"!!!
The match is over but the
brawl continues inside the ring and out.. Billy the Baker and Petey the Peanut
guy just came out of the crowd, still at each others throats!! The Circus Freaks
have arrived and are double teaming Garry Greene!! StreetMime is
rappelling down from the rafters!! Oh, he seems to be stuck.. now the Bully is here and he's
batting StreetMime around like a tetherball.. Homicidal Hank crawls out
from beneath the ring and is attacking everybody!! That lady with the handbag is
brutalizing BILL!! Vic and Captain Twilight are heading for higher ground, so
for the STWF, I'm Angus "Vince" Mcmadden saying so