Benvenido a Mexico Madness '97! Live from Tijuana, B.C., Mexico!

In English where available.
Interior of a nondescript arena. The mat is covered by a big Corona logo, because that's what Mexican mats all look like.
Some decent pyrotechnics tonight. We got a little more budget money.

Welcome to Mexico Madness '97! We've got a great spectacle lined up for you folks. With me as always are Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Captain Twilight, octogenarian wrestler and Rogue's Gallery member. Let's hope that Mexico Unlimited doesn't get any more powerful than it already is after tonight. The crowd is on their side. But first, to kick off the card, we have some non-Mexican matches lined up.
Our first match has Sweet Candy Andy as he squares off with Cross-Eyed Chris Armstrong.
The following contest is scheuduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring, from Chicago, Illinois, weighing 266 lbs., Cross-Eyed Chris Armstrong!
(He enters to many boos.)
And his opponent, from New York, New York, weighing 254 lbs., Sweet Candy Andy!
(Andy's voice saying, "Man, my chocolate's SOOOOOO sweet!" is heard, followed by "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees. Sweet Candy Andy is wearing his classic gear, and gets even louder boos.)
***bell rings.
Armstrong starts swinging wildly - miss, miss, miss, oh, he landed one! Andy is down on the mat almost cold! Armstrong with a legdrop. Armstrong starts kicking Andy. Sweet Candy Andy up now, and he is groggy but pretty angry too. Andy with a vertical suplex. Irish whips Chris Armstrong into the turnbuckle, then comes in and delivers a flurry of slaps.
We've seen this before. Andy doesn't have much of an arsenal, does he?
You liked it before the Rogue fired your ass.
Come on Cap, you'll get us in trouble with the FCC again. Anyway, Andy now with a sidewalk slam and covers:1...2...shoulder up. Andy looks like he's setting up for his finisher already: going to the top rope for a flying pimp slap...success! Armstrong is flat! Andy covers with his platform boot:1...2...and it's over.
Here is your winner...Sweet Candy Andy!
Hmmm...the Rogue's Gallery has its first win ever.
See what you can do with a little retooling?
Okay, on to our next match. The Forces of Justice are scheduled to take on the Circus Freaks in a #1 contenders match.
Wait a minute...What are Bait & Switch doing, coming out here? They're asking for the mic.
Switch: If you will remember correctly back to Nae Trous #3, there was a little contract problem. There is still a problem! Forces, did you read the part that if you lose the belts, you can never get them back? In other words, even if you win this match, you will not be the #1 contenders - that goes to the Circus Freaks no matter what the outcome! Hahaha!
I don't think that the FoJ are going to be too pleased with this development, not at all. But here they come, this match is about to get underway.
This tag team contest is scheduled for one fall. Making their way toward the ring, with a combined weight of 606 lbs., Judge and Preacher, the Forces of Justice!
(Theme song from "Law and Order" plays. They enter. The entire audience is laughing at them; the Techie Salesmen beat a hasty retreat through the audience.)
And their opponents, with a combined weight of 561 lbs., Sasquatch and Dizzy Desi, the Circus Freaks!
(Big top calliope music plays. Dizzy Desi enters, still pounding his already disfigured face with the hammer. Sasquatch follows close behind. Angus McMadden runs to them for comments.)
Sasquatch, what are your thoughts on this new contract stipulation?
Aaoo rowrl gurgle Reeorl Aaaoooo reeeoooo!
Uh, he said that he's happy but feels uncomfortable getting a free ride.
And you, Dizzy, how do you feel?
Ready to take the belts next week on Nae Trous!
Thank you.
***bell rings.
Preacher starts up against Sasquatch. Preacher executes a drop toehold - I don't blame him, those are big toes! Preacher with a high-risk double axhandle, but Sasquatch catches him and delivers a backbreaker. Sasquatch doing his patented Saskatchewan Stomp on Preacher - that'll take a lot out of you! Sasquatch with a bearhug now - Preacher does an eye gouge to get out. Tag to Judge.
Judge giving some big kicks to Sasquatch's midsection. Sasquatch replies with one big foot sending Judge clear out of the ring. Sasquatch follows and delivers a powerbomb through the Spanish announcer's table! That'll teach them to take over our federation! Judge is still outside the ring as Sasquatch clambers back in and tags Dizzy Desi. The ref counts Judge out:1...2...3...
The dizzy one goes to the top turnbuckle, and delivers another of his corkscrew moonsaults, snapping the table in half! Ref still counting Judge: 6...7...8...9, and Desi throws him back in, and rolls in himself. Dizzy Desi going for his finisher - the Dizzydriver spinning piledriver. Preacher bats Desi over the head with his staff to stop it.
What? Oh, this is uncalled for. Repeatedly bashing him over the head with that staff, Dizzy's face secretions splattering everywhere, the ref is ending it.
Here are your winners, as a result of a disqualification, the Circus Freaks!
Man, they ain't stoppin'! Now Judge is conscious, and they're applyin' da Deathwish on Desi! What are they t'inkin'?
Probably that they can get away with anything because they'll never get the belts again. But here comes ThatGuy! Hideous Finger Bite on Preacher! Judge can't stop this one - he's occupied with Sasquatch. Preacher gets away, bleeding finger and all, and mutters that justice will be served someday. Judge follows.
Perhaps the Forces should remember that if they're going to break the rules, they shouldn't do it against the Asylum Alliance.
Our next match features Distruct, as he takes on the member of the Asylum that hasn't shown up yet, Bohemoth.
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way towards the ring, from Charleston, WV, weighing in at 490 lbs., BOHEMOTH!
(Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King" plays. Bohemoth enters; crowd is apathetic because they're waiting for the Mexican matches.)
And his opponent, accompanied by Doctor Death, from Woodstock, Ontario, weighing 304 lbs., DISTRUCT!
(His theme plays. He slaps a fan on the way to the ring, then flexes his muscles to many boos. He appears to enjoy being booed.)
***bell rings.
Bohemoth with a belly-to-belly off the bat. Distruct immediately catapults him into the turnbuckle and chokeslams him. Bohemoth gets up and DDTs Distruct.
He then splashes Distruct. The cover: 1...kickout. Not this early, you're not pinning him. Distruct now goes for some kneelifts. Bohemoth replies with some of his own and a routine body slam. Doctor Death steps up on the apron. The gullible ref goes over to talk to him, while Distruct pulls out a roll of some gigantic coins and clobbers Bohemoth with a big fist!
Must be those two-dollar coins. Man, those Canadians and their coins are pretty silly. In my day...
The cover: 1...2...Bohemoth kicks out! What stamina! Distruct now, showing phenomenal strength, gorilla pressing Bohemoth out of the ring! Doctor Death is waiting for him, he pulls a hypodermic needle out of his lab coat - what the - he's injecting Bohemoth with something! What form of dirty cheating is this?
The kind that refs don't detect.
Bohemoth looks really sleepy, it must have been a sedative. Distruct rolls him in the ring, the arrogant one-finger pin, 1...2...3.
But right on cue, the Asylum Alliance is running for Distruct! He runs like a sissy and I don't blame at all; three on one are pretty high odds. ThatGuy pulls out some smelling salts. Bohemoth wakes up. He calls for the mic.
Distruct! I know you can hear me, wherever you are. You had to cheat to beat me, not once but twice! I'm challenging you to a rematch at Monster Bash, but this time, on my turf! In a mine, a mile underground. Just you, me, a ref, and a cameraman. He'll need a night vision attachment of course. Are we on, or are you chicken?
Well, we'll have to get his response later - he's gone. Our final non-Mexican match involves ThatGuy and DeRanged, but I've just been informed that Mr.Rage, one of our newcomers, has turned this into a triangle match! Pretty confident, he is. The rules of this triangle match are as follows: The victor will be the last wrestler in the ring. One pin will eliminate a wrestler.
Our first contestant is from New York, New York, weighing 269 lbs. and making his CSTLL debut. He is MR. RAGE!
("Rascal King" by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones plays. He wears camouflage pants, and a t-shirt that shamelessly plugs ECW. A small pop, and some boos because of the shirt.)
Hmmm...going to have to change the shirt, but that will come later.
Our second contestant is from Edison, NJ (crowd already pops), weighing 325 lbs., he is...DeRanged!
("Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath plays. DeRanged runs to the ring, flicks his cigarette at Mr. Rage and starts pounding him before the bell. The ref stops it.)
And our final contestant, from parts unknown, weighing 276 1/2 lbs., representing the Asylum Alliance, THATGUY!
(Crowd goes berserk. "Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill plays. ThatGuy is brought to the ring in a wheelbarrow by the man under the paper bag. ThatGuy is dumped in the ring. The wheelbarrow man runs off, clicking his heels and saying "I'm free again! Free at last!"
***bell rings.
No man is wasting time here in this contest. ThatGuy starts by clunking DeRanged and Mr. Rage's heads together like Moe. DeRanged executes a double clothesline. Mr. Rage kicks ThatGuy into DeRanged, who flies into the turnbuckle. Mr. Rage with an avalanche on DeRanged! Here comes ThatGuy with a head of steam, avalanche on both of them! DeRanged on the top rope now, plancha onto ThatGuy: 1...kickout. Mr.Rage working on ThatGuy as well...DOCTORBOMB!
Mr.Rage is a graduate from the school of hard knocks, and he's really learned to adapt well from life on the streets. He's won a few titles in Japan, and now he's here in the STWF, and boy are we grateful.
You make it sound like he's the newest member of the Rogue's Gallery you're complimentin' him so much.
I'm doing nothing of the sort. I'm just giving credit where credit is due. But back to the match, DeRanged and Mr. Rage are double-teaming ThatGuy. I suppose none of them want any fingers removed prematurely. Mr. Rage now slapping a cobra twist on ThatGuy. He hasn't been doing his homework; ThatGuy doesn't submit much. DeRanged clobbers Mr. Rage from behind. Inside-the-ring-brawl now, while ThatGuy checking to see where he can bite a finger. Mr. Rage hammer throws DeRanged away, and grabs ThatGuy. Inverted Bulldog by Mr. Rage. Going to the high-rent district, leg drop off the top rope! The cover by Rage, with DeRanged holding the shoulders:1...2...3!
ThatGuy is out. I've been told that Mr. Rage's inverted bulldog-legdrop is called "Rage and Destruction". Interesting maneuver. Mr. Rage squaring off with DeRanged now. DeRanged sidewalk slams Rage. Rage rolls over in a fluke victory attempt: 1...2...shoulder up. DeRanged executes a German suplex. Mr. Rage counters with a bow-and-arrow submission! Impressive moves by Rage in his debut.
That's the point; it's his debut so he has to look good...DeRanged actually manages to drag Mr. Rage over to the rope, where Rage is forced to break the hold. Now THAT'S impressive! DeRanged making the cutthroat sign, and we all know what that means!
DeRanged wraps those big hands around Mr. Rage, chokeslam! Now the sleeper. Mr. Rage is out...or so it seems. The arm is lifted once...twice...wait, Tony Starks and Mr. X are coming to ringside! Tony Starks charges the ring! The arm is dropped for the third time, but Starks doesn't seem to care! He executes his Starks Stunner neckbreaker on DeRanged then walks away, laughing! What does it all mean? Why on earth would Starks do this to DeRanged? I expect this kind of behaviour from Pedro Chang, or maybe Distruct, but Tony Starks? I'm going to get comments.
Tony Starks, what is your quibble with DeRanged that you would attack him during his match? Well, after his match anyway.
(Wearing a voice-disguise collar) You want an angle, I'm giving it to you.
And why do you wear a mask and a voice-disguise collar? We know your name.
I was rejected by your Kommissaar because a regular Tony Starks isn't gimmicked enough. You want a gimmick, I'm giving it to you.
I see. I notice Mr. X is also wearing a mask. Is this an indication that he will be stepping in the ring anytime soon?
(Mr. X just shakes his head)
Well, there you have it, we'll get to the Mexican matches now, sponsored by Corona Cerveza. If it's a Mexican sporting event, it's sponsored by Corona Cerveza!
The following retirement match is scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring, weighing 210 lbs., from Bismarck, North Dakota, the STICK!
(A man, 6'10" tall, dressed in a wood-coloured singlet, comes to the ring. He is booed so loud you could hear it from Canada)
And his opponent, from Mexico City, weighing 104 lbs., Pepe, the MEXICAN MIDGET!
(The Mexican Hat Dance (Mexico Unlimited's Theme Song) plays. Crowd goes nuts, and Mexican flags start flying everywhere. Pepe has a sombrero and a long droopy moustache.)
***bell rings. Two brave competitors here, willing to put their careers on the line to beat each other up. I don't know how this is going to work. The Stick is 6'10", and Pepe is 3'11"! The Stick picks up Pepe and slams him down. Pepe responds by kicking the Stick in the knee. The Stick goes crashing down. 210 lbs. is not a healthy weight for 6'10", not at all. His bones are so brittle - even if he wins, he may be permanently injured!
The Stick piledrives Pepe, and the crowd boos. Pepe looks like he's going to do his double dropkick! Yes! There's the first one, dropkicking the Stick seven feet in the air, then bouncing to the top rope and dropkicking the Stick while the Stick is in midair! Devastating. The cover: 1...2...kickout. The Stick picks up Pepe, and dwarf-tosses him clear into the third row of the audience. They love it! Pepe comes back in the ring and does a headstand on the top turnbuckle. The Stick foolishly comes in - and gets a mule kick in the head for his efforts. The Stick does his elevator slide from the standing position - he calls it "the Breaking Bough", and covers. 1...2...the ref says his shoulder was up but from here, we all know that it wasn't! Mexico Unlimited is using the MU referee, Raoul Ramon Ramirez, former tag-team wrestler here. The Stick tries again: 1...2...same effect. Bucho Mugralez is carrying the ramp to ringside! The Stick this time applies a torture rack. Smart move. If you can't pin him, make him submit. But Ramirez says break the hold, at which point the Stick shoves Ramirez! Here comes El Spheros, up the ramp, Pepe gets in position, Rocket Launcher! Pepe is up near the top of this arena; that's about 200 feet. Bucho Mugralez and Raoul Ramon Ramirez hold the Stick down, and Pepe delivers a HUGE legdrop! Ramirez counts extra-quickly: 123. Dirty cheating from Mexico Unlimited, and the Stick is out forever.
Here is your winner: Pepe, the Mexican Midget!
Well, at least the crowd liked it.
And now, the "ICCTINACBBIC" belt is on the line, as Pedro Chang challenges the New Olympian, Ben Matera!
I haven't seen anything from Ben Matera yet. And ever since he won, he's been walking out on his matches!
Well, then, let's watch these pre-recorded comments from Ben Matera.
Hi, you might recognize me, but believe me, I'm not Ken Patera. I may look exactly like him, but I'm not! I came to the STWF to show the world who I am, and who I am not. Who I am is a great wrestler and champion. Who I'm not is another early 80s wrestler who came back for some more paychecks. Honest! Pedro Chang, you will see that I'll hold on to this belt, and I will keep it for a long, long time!
Interesting comments from Ken, I mean Ben Matera. A striking resemblance though, I must admit.
The following contest is for the Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close" Belt, and is set for one fall. Making his way toward the ring, the challenger, from South Central L.A., weighing 235 lbs., "The Chinese Spic" Pedro Chang!
(Pedro Chang enters with Bucho Mugralez and El Presidente. His normal theme song, "Rico Suave" is not there, but rather "Drinking in L.A." by Bran Van 3000. Chang looks confused. He calls for the mic.)
Hey, who's been messin' with my theme song? Somebody gonna pay, esse, and pay troo da nose.
And his opponent, the champion, the New Olympian, Ben Matera!
(The first nineteen notes of the Olympic song are played, until it is drowned out by boos and chants of "Stop this charade!")
***bell rings.
The two lock up. Chang rakes the face and then rope burns Matera. Matera goes for a waistlock, but Pedro back-kicks him. Chang with an enzuigiri to the neck - I think he wanted the head, but it was very effective. Matera's already had enough of this - he's already leaving the ring! I don't believe it - he's genuinely chicken! Uh-oh, he's just run in with the two managers, who pull out their concealed lead pipes, and threaten him back into the ring. Matera backs away slowly. Chang makes the "drinky-drinky" motion and goes up top, but Matera doesn't see it! He crawls into the ring, and is immediately met by an L.A. Hangover! Ramirez counts quickly: 1.2.3! We have a new champ!
Here is your winner, and NEEEEEW Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This is not a Championship Belt but it's Close" Belt, "The Chinese Spic" Pedro Chang!
(The crowd goes wild. Ben Matera walks off in disgust.)
A pretty quick match there, and not a great way for a champ to lose his belt. But those are the breaks in the STWF/CSTLL. Our next match is for the tag belts as Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos take on the Vegas Connection.
This tag team contest is for the championship belts, and is scheduled for one fall. Making their way towards the ring, representing Mexico Unlimited, José, Julio, Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos!
(Mexican Hat Dance plays, Mexican flags pop up again, they enter led by El Presidente.)
And their opponents, the STWF tag team champions, representing the Entertainment Industry, Lester Leary Lounge Lizard, Larry Lowbrow, THE VEGAS CONNECTION!
(Lester Leary sings "Luck be a Lady". They enter to boos. Michael Wackson and Broadway Musical Man attack the Vegas Connection before the bell, shoving their battered carcasses into the ring.)
***bell rings. I don't know if the Vegas Connection can go on after that terrible pummelling. They're going to try, though. Lester Leary starts with Julio. Lester Leary applies an armbar, and lets go after 6 seconds. Irish whip to the turnbuckle - Leary drives a shoulder into Julio. Lester doesn't seem too bad off. Lester with a neckbreaker - no, reversal by Julio. Julio to the top rope - "lo espectacular" moonsault by Julio. Cover: 1...2...Larry Lowbrow makes the save. Both men tag now. Lowbrow already trying a Punchline - that's pretty cocky - but José changes it into a superplex. The cover: Leary makes the save. Tag to Julio. Julio with his patented "Frankenondescriptos" hurricanrana, and this could be over! 1...2...yes! It's over! Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos win the tag team belts! Oh no, here comes the Entertainment Industry to wreak some havoc.
We'd love to show you this coverage, but I've just been informed that the match on ice is underway in the hockey arena. Let's take you there now.
***bell rings.
El Spheros with a headbutt. Sugarplum Harry replies with one of his own. Piledriver by Harry! Ouch - that's gotta hurt on the ice. Small red stain on the ice already. El Spheros with a DDT! And another one! That red stain is getting larger and I hope these guys have been tested!
Sugarplum Harry attempts a moonsault - he misses! Oh dear. El Spheros with an eye rake followed by his "reverse Frankenspheros" - he goes over the opponent because he can't quite backspin yet. But wait - up near the roof - it's The Square! What's he doing?
He's opening the skylight windows! The ice is going to melt in this heat! Sugarplum Harry with a kneedrop. El Spheros goes to the top and tries his spinning splash, but Harry catches him in mid-air and executes a backbreaker! The ice gives way, and Harry falls in!! El Spheros is taking advantage. He starts plunging Harry's face in the water - he's going to drown Sugarplum Harry! Can't we stop this match?!
Nope, it's ALLLL legal, V. Harry goes under once...twice...three times...four times?...five? This guy can't be human!
El Spheros just HOLDING Harry under now on dip number six...Harry's tapping out! El Spheros remains champion!

Well, this has been a great card. Mexico Unlimited, unfortunately, sweeps, and anyone who wants a shot will have to go up against an entire stable! Next week on Monday Nae Trous, we will finally see BILL in action! As well, the Warrior Gods will take on the Inevitables, and we WILL have title shots! Thanks for joining!

(c) Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre 1997