Nip the Necrophiliac: Who are you calling a freak?
The Right Hand Man: No, not you. You're a weirdo.
Nip: Oh, okay.
(The two pyro guys has stepped it up a bit, and have some Roman candles to start the PPV.)
Welcome everyone to Worst Case Scenario: An In-Your-Face pay-per-view. I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and oh boy, is the STWF buzzing with excitement or what? We've signed nine new people, and more are still coming! Alongside me, as always are my colour commentators. Our actively retired octogenarian wrestler, Captain Twilight:
Good evening all.
And of course, Jamal Tupac Mustafa.
Yes. Well, this should be one amazing show. During the broadcast, we'll introduce all of our newcomers in one big ceremonial contract signing. But first, let's get to some wrestling, shall we? The Inevitables are ready to take on the Vegas Connection. Announcer Lad is in the ring now.
The following tag team contest is set for one fall. Making their way towards the ring, with a combined weight of 510 lbs., Gérard S. Therriault, and the Harbinger of Death, THE INEVITABLES!
("One Way or Another" by Blondie plays. These two look ready for business. A good pop for Death and Taxes.)
And their opponents, representing and accompanied by the Entertainment Industry, from Las Vegas, Nevada. Larry Lowbrow. Lester Leary, Lounge Lizard. THE VEGAS CONNECTION!
(They come to ringside and take their time. Lester Leary, Lounge Lizard is singing "That's Entertainment." Presto Cadabra is pulling quarters out of children's ears. Nobody looks impressed. Mixed reaction.)
Larry Lowbrow is starting out with Monsieur Taxes. Lowbrow with a chop. Lowbrow whips Taxes to the buckle and a big shoulder! Lowbrow has Taxes in a headlock. Therriault slips out and a hammerlock is applied to Larry. Larry gets to the ropes. Therriault with a headbutt, and a sidewalk slam on Larry. The cover: 1...2...no.
Fat chance we see a pin when nobody's tagged yet. You never know.
It's a moot point now. Both men have made the tag. Lester Leary, Lounge Lizard squares off with the Harbinger of Death now. Lester with a dropkick. Harbinger staggers back but doesn't go down. Harbinger with a big sneaker to the midsection of the Lounge Lizard. Neckbreaker by Harbinger. Harbinger to the middle rope for a legdrop! The cover: 1...2...kickout by Lester. Lester gets up and hammer throws Harbinger to the outside. He's strutting his stuff, twirling the Golden Mic (TM).
He'd better watch out for Taxes on the other side.
I think Taxes should be more worried that the entire Industry is beating the tar out of Harbinger.
Absolutely. "Black" Jack Dealer pulls out that razorcard of his, and slices Harbinger's face! OUCH! Already one match, and the blood is flowing. What more could possibly happen tonight?!
Two title changes and the resolution of the ICCTINACBBIC belt tourney?
A huge brawl at the contract signing, maybe, V?
Not to mention the Worst Case Scenario match with over-the-steel-cage-elimination rules.
Figure of speech, boys. Harbinger is rolled into the ring, visibly spent. Lester Leary is laughing, and it looks like the Paisley Powerbomb is about to go into effect! He's on the middle rope, the set-up has been made...THERRIAULT MAKES THE SAVE. Lucky break, or HoD would have been through. The ref is warning Taxes, and the Entertainment Industry is loving it! Lester tags Lowbrow. Here comes the Punchline (TM)! YES! The cover: Wait, the ref is still yelling at Taxes! How long does it take to tell a wrestler off? Leary is trying to get the ref's attention. He finally gets it. The cover: 1...kickout.
Well, so much for that.
Harbinger is crawling to Therriault. The Vegas Connection should stop him, why are they arguing with the ref? Harbinger makes the tag! Here comes Monsieur Taxes. The banker from Ottawa nails them both with a double clothesline and the crowd is going wild! And now it's time...for the CANADIAN SERVICE CHARGE! Can we show this on a PPV?
(Extended audience shot. They look happy, and then grimace.)
Guess not. I guess the viewers at home are pretty angry at that.
Therriault hooks the leg of Larry Lowbrow: One...two...three! Oh yes, the Inevitables win!
Here are your winners, THE INEVITABLES!
Rimshot visibly upset. But he has no reason to be, because he still has Gruff in a match, plus the main event. Rimshot is actually competing! Wheelchair and all!
I still don't see what bidness a legless man has in da ring.
Oh well, it'll happen anyway. The Entertainment Industry are staying at ringside because Gruff's match is up next. The big man from Birmingham is facing Zebulon, our OTHER coal miner from West Virginia. And here he comes!
And his opponent, from Charleston, West Virginia, weighing 290 lbs., ZEBULON!
("Working in a Coal Mine" plays. He has the mongoose in hand. Gruff coaxes his giant goat into the ring.)
Remember folks, this is an "animals are legal" match. Should be interesting, to say the least.
Gruff mounts Billy, his goat, and charges at Zebulon. Direct hit! Zeb goes flying right out of the ring. He runs right back in, realizing that the Industry is still there. Zebulon with a DDT. And a fistdrop! He tries again, but Gruff moves away and kicks Zebulon in the head. What a move. Gruff with a powerslam. Now he gets Billy to walk on Zebulon. That's a lot of pressure. Zebulon struggles to his feet, and releases the mongoose. The mongoose goes right for Billy's nether regions.
(A deafening bleat fills the arena)
Ow! That terrible noise!
Looks like Billy might be incapacitated for a while. Zebulon now releases the mongoose on Gruff! But the big man won't be caught again. He takes the mongoose and starts strangling it! He's going to crush that thing. Zeb has seen enough. He clips Gruff's leg, and the mongoose is free. I think the mongoose isn't in that great shape either!
Man, I hate a fair fight.
Gruff with a gorilla press. The cover: 1...2...shoulder up. Gruff now applies the figure-four! Zebulon is trying to hit the ropes...here comes the mongoose, and Gruff's nose gets bitten! The hold is released. Gruff still holding his nose. Zebulon gives the sign...the Strip Mine Piledriver! Executed perfectly, on the huge Brummie. He does some showboating...Billy right behind him and butts him right in the back! Both men laid out... Billy takes Gruff's arm in his teeth and drapes it over Zebulon. The ref counts really slowly: 1........2.........3.
Here is your winner, GRUFF!
Hey V, why does the ref count slowly when both men are laid out like that?
I would guess to build suspense or something.
Oh, I thought it was to fill time.
Quiet you. Next up is the finals...for the ICCTINACBBIC belt. Michael Wackson takes on the Upset Kid in Pimp of the Year.
The following contest is for the Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This is Not a Championship Belt But It's Close" Belt, with NO DISQUALIFICATIONS. Making his way to the ring first, accompanied by and representing Apocalypse, from Never Never Land and weighing 230 lbs., MICHAEL WACKSON!
("Bad" sung by Wackson, blares over the PA. The crowd is cheering. Anarchy, the Keeper, Sugarplum Harry, Messenger Boy and the golems are not far behind.)
And his opponent, accompanied by the Entourage, from New York City and weighing 244 lbs., PIMP OF THE YEAR!
("Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang plays. Even more cheers. Pimp comes out, and close behind are Busta Wayans, Loc Dog, Mona Money, the Coffee Girls (Cream and Sugar), Marcel, and Tito Aqmed Aziz al'Watkins. No Legs is far behind, paddling on a wheelboard.)
Wait, here comes the Right Hand Man! He's saying they can only have one accompaniment, due to the nature of this match. Wackson chooses Sugarplum Harry, and PotY chooses Marcel. The rest leave. Wackson with a belly-to-belly right off the bat. An anklelock applied immediately thereafter. Strange opening gambit, but effective nonetheless. Pimp gets to the ropes easily. Pimp with a Russian Legsweep. He's already trying for his corkscrew legdrop? He gets to the rope, but Wackson's up, he slams the ropes, and Pimp of the Year is squared nicely!
Not good, considerin' the bidness he's in.
Huh? Never mind. Wackson with a short clothesline. The cover: 1...2...kickout. Pimp bounces off the ropes and delivers a forearm shiver. Wackson doesn't go down. Another one: now he does. Pimp of the Year attempting a Boston Crab...no, he just can't get it applied.
This is one strange match. Nobody can seem to do the other much damage.
These are quite possibly the two greatest lighterweights we have! They're bound to know the other's style. Wackson with an enzuigiri...Pimp ducks. Bearhug by Pimp...Wackson with an elbow to the head, and the hold is broken. The crowd doesn't seem into it.
Can you blame 'em, V? This match is damn boring!
Nice one. You just started a "boring" chant.
Pimp goes into a rage! Flying lefts and rights...the crowd is cheering once again. A powerbomb by PotY! Now he's setting up for a deathlock. It's been applied! Wackson is all but goodbye, and the 8th seed will become the champion!
Not if Sweet Candy Andy has any say about it...here he comes! The Candygirls are distracting Marcel. Andy with the cane: he nails Pimp of the Year right on the noggin! Pimp falls backwards, and into a pinning position...Wackson with the pin: 1...2...3! Sweet Candy Andy with the assist, but Michael Wackson gets the coveted belt!
Here is your winner, and ICCTINACBBIC champion, MICHAEL WACKSON!
PotY and the Candyman are getting it on, Pimp-to-Pimp. And here comes Tortilla Tito to take Wackson down. Two brawls for the price of one! Wait...both Pimp of the Year and Andy stop...Salsa is at ringside. They both start talking to her, trying to "recruit" her as it were. Tito is angry...he flies to the outside, and DOUBLE DORITO DROP on both the pimps! Michael Wackson joins the fray. I have no idea what this all means, but they have to take it back to the locker room. Okay...it's now time for the ceremonial contract signing. Because Der Kommissaar never shows his face in public, the Right Hand Man is there to welcome everyone. Here they all come, and the Right Hand Man has the mic.
Hello everyone. As you all may or may not know, wrestlers have been coming out of nowhere to sign up with the Stereo Type Wrestling Federation. Please welcome the following people to the STWF collection of rogues, misfits, weirdos, and assorted freaks:
RHM: We'll start with you then. Nip the Necrophiliac, from Parts Unknown! (He bows, some cheers, some boos)
Next up, from Panama City, Florida, with Big Daddy Panama, B.F. Sack! (He raises his arms, more cheers)
From Austin, Texas: Joe "Jamaican Jobber" Forbes! (he gets up on a turnbuckle and raises his arms, to near-dead silence.)
From Richmond, Virginia: THE TIGER! (crowd goes ballistic. "Rack 'em up!" T-shirts are lifted)
From New York City: Prisoner X! (crowd gives mixed reaction. Prisoner X doesn't seem to care.)
From the Himalayan Mountains, and accompanied by Dali Lama, the Tibetan Monk! (he bows deeply, a good number of boos.)
From Computers Unknown: The PENCIL-NECKED GEEK! (he gets up on a turnbuckle, and is laughed right back down. He yells at them to shut up.)
From Beavertrail, Georgia: T-Ray! (he raises his arms. PMCW signs go up, and are quickly confiscated by security officials.)
And finally, our latest competitor to sign a contract..."The Swinger" Mikey Howell! (he dances around the ring to a very small reaction. Howell is acting as if they really loved him.)
And there you have it! (Crowd goes nuts)
So Captain, what do you think of our newest guys?
It's great to have so much fresh blood here. The Tiger has really been promoting himself with his "Rack 'em Up" T-shirt campaign.
Yeah, but that guy Nip is not to be overlooked. Haven't you seen his "Cold is Hot" shirts?
(Both turn and glare at him)
Looks like the people are slowly inching away from Nip as he strokes Bunny. I must admit, I'm pretty freaked out at this guy myself. And look, B.F. Sack just nudged Prisoner X - they're involved in a stare-down! Mikey Howell just got a better look at the Geek, and the Geek is yelling in his face! Howell is mocking fear. AND HERE COMES THE OBLIGATORY BRAWL!
Well, that's enough of that. We have three more matches to do. The Indestructibles are set to face the Warrior Gods for the tag team championships. Both teams are in the ring now...
Duane Diamond D locks up with Tyr. Both big men, but the Indestructibles have been taking out everyone here and receiving nothing! D with a chop, and Tyr goes right down? Duane stomping a mudhole in Tyr. He tags Chris Powell right away. Double team on Tyr. Double DDT. Double suplex! Duane leaves. Powell tossing Tyr around like a pizza. We remember this from a few weeks ago, when he did the same to our current champ, IRONMAN. And a big drop by Powell. "Crushing" Chris with a shoulderbreaker. 1...2...Powell pulls Tyr up. He tags Diamond back. Duane with his Diamond chokeslam! This could be over...
I told you, it ain't over until both tags are made.
Tell that to the ref who just tapped his hand on the mat three times.
What? It's over?
I'm afraid so. The Indesctructibles make quick work of the Warrior Gods, and the straps are snapped up like that. Obligatory comments from the Rogue coming up:
The Rogue:It seems these so-called Gods aren't so great after all. My Indestructibles are the best champs this sorry federation EVER had, and who's going to stop us? The Circus Freaks? The Inevitables? The Bad A$$es? Paranoia, maybe? Oh please. These tag belts are staying where they belong, for a long time. We got the power, baby, 'cause we rule the WORLD!
The entire Gallery: HA-LA!
Odin yelling at the Gods as they leave. Thor and Tyr are yelling at each other too. Possible break-up? Who knows. The Indestructibles are leaving...Chris Powell seems to have snagged his trunks on a turnbuckle. He's pulling it free....what the hell? What's that hissing sound? Giant clouds of steam are emanating...from Chris Powell? What is going on here?
The Rogue is acting like his career is over.
The steam clouds are leaving. But where did Powell go? Oh there he...is it just me, or does Powell look smaller to you?
Oh, only by EIGHT INCHES.
The Rogue is SCREAMING! I think he's saying "That's irreparable" but what would that mean? Duane Diamond D looks scared, but he seems in fine shape still.
So now only Duane Diamond D is indestructible? And maybe not even. Strange things are happening here, McMadden. Strange indeed.
It would seem so. But we must move on. The ring is being primed for the BOMB MATCH between the Executioner and Ironman. Not only is Ironman's STWF belt on the line, but so is Executioner's NWF belt! The winner walks away with two, if they can walk at all. It's primed alright, and both men have skipped their entrances. They want to get down to business!
The Executioner takes Ironman and whips him to the ropes. The barbed wire digs into Ironman. Ironman does the same to the Executioner, but Exec doesn't seem to mind half as much. Executioner with a backbreaker. He's about to send Ironman to a c4-rigged corner...and follows him...Ironman gets out of the way and Exec gets a faceful! Ironman with the roll-up: 1...2...kickout. Ironman working the face of Executioner. Front face lock: Exec doesn't submit. Ironman breaks the hold. A face rake by Ironman! Exec is screaming. He gets up, seems to shake off the pain. Executioner kicks Ironman, and Ironman goes sailing into a c4 himself! His back is singed. Executioner is going for a powerbomb to the outside: Yes! He hi...oh NO! The time bomb has gone off prematurely!
(Insert explosion noise of choice here)
Smoke is everywhere. The ring is a flaming heap. Thank goodness we have a backup for the main event. But what happened to Ironman and the Executioner?!
There they are, looking like hell, but still alive. They'll need some medical attention after this.
The ref doesn't know what to do. Executioner is getting up very slowly. He takes Ironman into what's left of the ring. He slumps his charred body over Ironman's. The cover: 1...2...SHOULDER UP! Ironman's still in this folks. Executioner tries again: 1...2...3.
Here is your winner, and NEEEEEEW STWF Heavyweight Champion, the EXECUTIONER!
Man, wasn't that match the bomb?
Not funny, Jamal. The backup ring is being wheeled in, the cage is being put up, the tables on the outside. Here come the five stables: First up is Mexico Unlimited. El Spheros, José, Julio, Pepe and Cube all enter the cage to loud boos.
Next comes the Rogue's Gallery. Even louder boos. Duane Diamond D is not in this, almost as if they're protecting him...it's Col. Khorne, Très Sheik, the Aboriginals, and Chris Powell.
Now comes the Entertainment Industry. As expected, "Black" Jack Dealer at cageside, while Lester Leary, Larry Lowbrow, Presto Cadabra, Gruff, and the legless Rimshot enter to a mixed reaction.
Here's Apocalypse! Loud cheers for Sugarplum Harry, Anarchy, the Keeper, Michael Wackson (newly-crowned), and one of the golems.
Finally, the Asylum Alliance. The loudest pop of all! Bohemoth...Dizzy Desi and Sasquatch...the crowd goes berserk for ThatGuy...and here comes the Mystery Madman....
Who is it?
Oh, is that all.
All twenty-five men in the ring. The entire Asylum stable rushes the Apocalypse boys, and they're all locked up. The Entertainment Industry is focussing on Mexico Unlimited, while the Rogue's Gallery...isn't very focussed at all. Larry Lowbrow is taking Cube to the top - Cube is struggling to no avail - and now Lowbrow is signalling Dealer to get ready! Dealer moves a table...Pepe tries to knock Lowbrow off and free Cube, but Lester Leary stops him. There goes Cube....right through the table. CRACK!
You don't do a good table impression, V. Only your announcing style's wooden.
The Keeper has a hold of ThatGuy. ThatGuy is biting furiously. The Keeper doesn't seem to care! Bohemoth now with double ax-handles on the Keeper. Keeper tosses ThatGuy up high. ThatGuy clings near the top of the cage, and here comes Sugarplum Harry to finish the job! Sugarplum Harry lowblows the subway freak, and ThatGuy is in pain. The Pixie King heaves ThatGuy the rest of the way. Doooooown he goes. No table, lucky for him. Messenger Boy and the other golem start pounding on him to add insult to injury. Aboriginal 1 with a high-risk maneuver. He looks like he's going for an elbowdrop off the cage! Rimshot kicks the cage, Aboriginal 1 is pinwheeling his arms, and he falls too! The men here are dropping like flies!
They'd better, it's easier to announce that way.
Col. "Pops" Khorne going for an easy one - Pepe. He starts smashing Pepe against the cage wall to soften him up...and a big dwarf toss over the side. Pepe has been eliminated. Duane Diamond D at cageside picks up the midget, and legdrops him through a table. This abuse really should not be tolerated, but it IS a pay-per-view after all. Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos didn't like that too much - Mexico Unlimited is already two members down. They double-dropkick the Colonel, who takes a spill over Rimshot's wheelchair. Both Khorne and Rimshot are down. The Asylum takes the opportunity. Sasquatch with a mighty Saskatchewan Stomp on "Pops". He climbs the cage, agile as a cat, and heaves him down. Khorne lands badly on the security barrier. But Sasquatch didn't see the Keeper behind him. They're both fighting on the top of the cage. Both men with superior size AND agility. Rimshot is giving a signal to Dealer. "Black" Jack is taking his razorcards, and sticking them in the table at a furious pace. A makeshift bed of razors. Rimshot kicks the cage again...both men go flying down, and the razorcard table is broken in half. Red can be seen everywhere - a gruesome display!
Oh, they'll be fine. They're big boys, they can handle it.
It seems as though everyone's had enough of Rimshot. But the wheelchair is difficult to budge, and Rimshot chained himself in! Who will displace him?
Looks like Anarchy's gonna try.
Anarchy is trying to snap those chains, but he just can't do it! The golem helps. Still nothing. Here comes Harry...the squeal of bending metal is heard. Rimshot is crying for help, and here comes Gruff! He pulls Anarchy away. Another staredown - these two brothers have a long past. But Harry and his golem have broken the chain! Anarchy and Gruff brawling. The golem carries Rimshot up to the top. Presto Cadabra is trying desperately to stop him! He's held back by Chris Powell. Why? Who knows? Who cares. And there goes Rimshot! The legless man drops safely...on Jack Dealer. Jack heaves his boss off himself. El Spheros and Zebulon are brawling. Nobody's ever going to drop El Spheros, how would you ever get a hold on a spherical wrestler?
Not difficult, you just need some leverage, I guess.
Or a mongoose. Zeb managed to sneak it in! He's not in the Asylum for nothing. Wait - the other Circus Freak just got eliminated by Michael Wackson! Zeb rushes over and rakes Wackson's face across the cage. Things are looking grim for the Asylum here. Only the two coal miners remain from that stable. Bohemoth with the SMASHER from the top of the cage, right on Très Sheik. Très Sheik has had enough, and throws himself over the cage! I guess he didn't want to hurt himself. And here comes Harry! The two coal miners manage to heave the Pixie King over the cage. Harry is attempting to fly, but he has no wings. The golem on the outside catches him, and he lands safely. The Vegas Connection and Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos have been brawling all the way up the cage. Four men on the top rope, and I smell this match about to hit endgame! Chris Powell shaking the cage, and four men are eliminated! Ironically, Lester Leary lands on the remains of the table that Jack Dealer spiked. Only El Spheros can win this for his team now. Presto and Gruff remain for the Industry. Apocalypse has Anarchy, Wackson and the golem. The Asylum still has its coal miners, and the Gallery has Chris Powell and the other...nope, just Chris Powell now...THE ROGUE'S GALLERY IS OUT OF THIS! AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!
Gruff and Anarchy are brawling, Bohemoth and Zebulon working over El Spheros, and Wackson and the golem are fighting Presto. Ten bucks says Presto's done.
We don't make losing bets. And there he goes!
Wackson joins Anarchy in the fight against Gruff. The golem defends the sphere. The golem grabs Bohemoth and bounces of El Spheros, effectively slam-dunking him out of the cage! Wow!
We ain't never seen dat befo', and I don' think we ain't never seein' it agin.
Zebulon tries to eliminate the golem. They're brawling on the top - has that been done to death or what? The golem slips, and it drops. Zebulon is ready to topple... here comes Prisoner X to cageside! He looks like he's escaped his armed guards. He's darting around. Zebulon falls almost right on the Prisoner! But wait, the Prisoner caught him in mid-air and placed him back on the cage, what a save!
What a setup for a future angle!
Prisoner X is escaping through the crowd, but here come the guards to take him away. Say goodbye to Prisoner X, boys, until he wrestles again. Zebulon climbing back into the fray, but before he does, the Gruff/Anarchy situation hits the cage wall, and the Asylum is no longer a part of this! Only four men remain: El Spheros, Michael Wackson, and the two British brothers. It looks like the brothers have temporarily teamed. They're dribbling El Spheros...higher and higher he goes. Michael Wackson climbs up and dropkicks him out of the ring! But no, El Spheros grabbed him on the way down, and a big splash outside the cage, right on a table! Our ICCTINACBBIC champion is in serious danger! But no time for that now...only two men remain. Who will win? The Entertainment Industry, or Apocalypse?
The Entertainment Industry!
Yeah, right, what are the chances of that happening?
Judging from the looks of things, 50/50. But Gruff looks exhausted. He did have another match tonight. The brawl goes up the cage. Both men are now on the cage wall, outside. If one drops, this could be all over. Oh no...Anarchy is releasing the tarantula from his boot again! We saw this from the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl...it's not fair, but there's no ref to do anything about it! The tarantula bites Gruff's finger. Gruff falls, but at least the tarantula is squashed, never to be seen in the STWF again.
Here is your winner, the sole survivor and representing Apocalypse, ANARCHY!
Wow! What a fantastic match! I've never seen such displays in my entire career. Amazing.
Quit selling it, whoever saw this match already BOUGHT the damn card.
Actually, I was about to plug the next card - SUPERCARD III WILL BE THE BIGGEST BRAWL OF THEM ALL! Everyone will get a match - all they have to do is ask! Wrestler's positions on the card will fill up quick, so make your challenges soon, guys! On behalf of Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, saying thanks for ordering!
(c) 1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre
Nip the Necrophiliac: Who are you calling a freak?
The Right Hand Man: No, not you. You're a weirdo.
Nip: Oh, okay.