And is almost an excact ripoff of a slighty more well
known match of this nature. The first period is of 5 minute duration, one
man from each team starting out. After that 5 minute period, The Rogue's
Gallery will send in it's second man, we're bypassing the cointoss for
avantage because the heel team always wins it anyway. That will be 2 minutes
of two against one, then the team with the disadvantage sends in it's second
man for a two vs. two for 2 minutes. You get it yet? The 2 minute periods
will continue with alternating team members joining the match until all 12
are in the Nerf(tm) Cage. I'll expain what happens then when all 12 get in
there, you'll forget what I said now by the time that rolls around, anyway.
And now...are you ready? ARE YOU READY? It's the STWF "Faces" United VS.
The Rogue's Gallery...'nough said. LET THE CORE GAMES...BE-GIN!
("Roll It Up, Light It Up, Smoke It Up" By Cypress Hill plays...douja
staggers to the ring, but looking better than he did earlier. Trash rains
down on douja like a hailstorm, he enters the only door, on the wall
on Ring 1, at the end of the entrance ramp. douja then steps through the
ropes of the two squared circles and waits in Ring 2.)
Voiceover: (in pseudo English accent) "Who's about to git inta douja's
sh[bleep] like unchewed carn? No need to ask...He's THA SMOOTH
(Huge pop as Dr. Silaconne M. Plants emerges from the curtain to Sade's
"Smooth Operator". He holds his arms out with palms up, basks in the cheers,
takes off his physician's overcoat and throws it into the crowd. After a
slight struggle, a 20 something guy retreives the coat, returns to his seat,
and trades the guy next to him straight up for his beer and
AND HERE WE GO! Plants takes off in a dead sprint and slides under the bottom
rope of Ring 1 through the only door on this thing. The door is secured with
yarn...and there's NO referee in sight!
Yo, diss be a long time comin'.
Yeah, like everyone else in the STWF, SMP has been
after douja for months. I can't believe douja's even in there, considering
what he's been through tonight.
It's about to get worse. douja attacks SMP as he tried to enter Ring 2.
douja with a series of forearms...whips the former plastic surgeon across
the ring and lowers his head for a backdrop...
BOOM! SMP counters with a double-arm DDT!
That's his new finisher, which he calls "You Just
Got Planted." He said he'd debut it tonight.
Yo, dat ain't a new move, I bet Strangla Lewis used
dat back in tha day.
SMP picks douja up, and begins a series of left hand jabs...
BOOM..BOOM..BOOM..BOOM... He balls his right hand into a fist, looks
at it for a couple of seconds, then decides to deliver an elbow to the top
of douja's head reminiscent of that fat guy with the big, ugly birthmark on
his belly. BOOM! douja goes down hard!
SMP now has douja by the hair and is pointing to
those Nerf(tm) bars...and just whipped douja face first into them!
douja down again, Plants doing a strut around Ring 2 that can best be
described as lame. Actually, it's a distraction for the fans while douja
tries to juice himself unnoticed. Wait a minute, what is douja doing? Is
that a pack of ketchup?
What tha? douja's joocin' wit
Well, of course! But, it's not ketchup...it's catsup.
Catsup being a little more runny than ketchup and thus more realistic. This
thing really ate up our budget, so we couldn't afford stage blood, and our
"STWF Gimmickry Blades" are on backorder again. Besides, it IS soft CORE
GAMES after all, and REAL blood would be inappropiate.
Alrighty then! SMP moves in on douja, who is really...uhh...busted open.
douja with a lowblow...AWWWWWWW!and Dr. Plants
doubles over. douja to his feet, and is putting the boots to SMP. douja
really wanting to win this thing, have The Doc retire, and get "Soft Core"
Zack as a slave for 30 days.
Yo, I hope dat Zack good at rollin' joints, cause
I gotta feelin' he might be doin' alot of dat in tha near
douja with a blantant choke on SMP, there's no referee, so he could choke
him all night...it's ALL legal!
2 minutes to go in this first period, then The
Gallery gets to send in it's second man. And what if the Gallery loses, The
Rogue gets shaved by Claude Leroux! Nobody has brought that up
Yeah, I bet The Rogue's head looks like an egg when
Oh yeah? I bet it looks like an onion.
Yo, you on Caps, dubba or nuttin'?
You guys STILL betting? What did I tell you about that earlier?
Yeah, like you nevva betted.
Never have. Never will.
You nevva bet dat you not wearin' a
What? My hair is REAL!
Bet choo 5 dollas it a toopay.
You're on! What a minute, I'm not falling for that....forget it. I DO NOT
I bet you 5 dollars I can get you to bet before the
night is over.
Okay, Cap...you got it. But you'll NEVER get me to do it.
douja going for The Chronic Neck Pain, SMP backdrops
douja and escapes it! douja up...and Silaconne clotheslines him down. Wait,
the clock is running out...
SMP crawling into Ring 1, douja down in Ring 2. SMP meets Hector as he comes
through the door...pulls him in, and the door is secured. SMP with a right...
and SMP with an uppercut to the groin! BOOM!
Ohhhh, dat's gonna git "Crood's" oil
douja in from Ring 2...runs across and nails SMP with a knee to the kidneys.
SMP down, and now The Gallery-ites are beating the physician down like a
street mugging. The Smooth Operator removes 3 packs from his pocket, and
falls face first to the mat. Hector still recovering from the nutter, douja
stomping on the doctor's back.
The heels pick SMP up, and both send him crashing
against the Nerf(tm) wall. WHAT IMPACT! Hector holds the physician's
legs as douja drops repeated elbows on the prone booby enhancer. SMP a...
well...a 'bloody' mess. They move back over into Ring 2, Hector with a
bodyslam on SMP...douja off the top rope with a legdrop. SMP taking a beating
here...but that's what he gets for going in first.
That's about to change...listen to the fans! The 2 minutes are up!
Dat was a fast two minutes, yo.
Shutup, Jamal...we don't want this thing going into a Part 3. Who's going to
save SMP? And WHO WAS THE PUSHER? Will we find out tonight, or drag it out
for months? Stay tuned!
(The crowd explodes as Survivor's "Eye of The Tiger"
plays. The Tiger runs out holding a football, stops halfway down the ramp,
and strikes a picture perfect Heismann Trophy pose. He throws the football
into the crowd, and a riot occurs. Tomorrow's headline: `53 Injured At
Everytime I hear that song I think of Rocky III, I
wonder if that wrestler who played 'ThunderLips' ever made another
Yo, whatchoo juss call me?
He wasn't talking about you, Jamal..and 'no', I don't think that guy did ever
make another movie...at least I can't think of any. Anyway...
IT'S THE TIGER! The door is open and El Tigre slides in under the bottom
rope. He's in a three-point stance, "Crude" Oil coming over from Ring 2...
BOOM! The Tiger caught him with a diving
clothesline, Hector doing one of those over-acted, 360 spins and is out!
Tiger moving into Ring 2. SMP rolling to the corner, douja with a punch
attempt that is blocked by the STWF legend. Tiger with his own punch to
douja's jaw...BOOM! He backs douja into the ropes
and sends him across the ring to the other side, catches him off the rebound
with a SCOOP POWERSLAM!BOOM! The Tiger giving
the sign for "The Tiger Rack" as the fans begin chanting "Rack 'Em Up!" Ohh,
what excitement! The Tiger has him up..."TIGER RACK ON douja!"
SMP moves over to Ring 1, and now has "Crude" Oil
wrapped up in a Figure-4...although Hector's legs are so greasy, it looks
more like a Figure-6. This is great!
The Tiger really putting the pressure on douja, the human body not meant to
bend that way. douja looking like a huge pretzel!
Yo, don't say dat too loud, or "Glutton" might
come down here ana try an' eat him!
Let's go to our two ring shot to capture all this action!
(Still picture of two boxes with a toothpick constructed
"cage" over them. The ring to the left, Ring 2, has an army figurine with
another one across his shoulders. The other ring has two army men laying
on their backs, their legs crossing each other's. There's a black piece of
paper in the background, with white dots placed sporatically to simulate
camera flashes. The next shot is back to "Vince")
What the hell?
Dey countin' again!
(The sitar and tabla version of "Supermodel" plays.
Très Sheik slowly walks to the ring, ducking the debris that is
flung at him from all angles. Despite his efforts, his sequined turban is
knocked off his head, the victim of Percy The Peg-Leg Pirate's peg leg
that Percy just chucked at him from the 18th row. Percy not on the card,
he was forced to buy a ticket. Since he's in the 18th row, Percy obviously
doesn't have much stroke.)
Sheik taking his time getting to the rings, I can't say I blame him, those
Nerf(tm) bars look so brutal. They are RE-INFORCED, fans...not like that
Nerf(tm) chain- link business at MNT #63...these are thick NERF(tm)
The Exorbitant Arab has his "Eau de Camelle!" He
just entered the door and sprayed Dr. Plants with it. Sheik stomps SMP and
breaks up the Figure-6, and is now moving into Ring 2, where he just sprayed
The Tiger...freeing douja from "The Rack"!
Yo, Tha Tiga can'ts see nuttin', Tray Sheek an'
douja puttin' tha hurts to him now. Dey juss sent Tiga inta dose bars, Hecta
up an' he beatin' on The Docta ovva in Ring 1.
Jamal, please leave the play-by-play to Cap and I and you stick with
colour commentary, okay?
Yo, I put the "colour" in "colour
Ummm Hmmm. douja and Sheik with a spike piledriver on The Tiger in Ring 2.
Oil choking Plants over the ring rope in 1. Plants must be up to 5 packs,
he's a mess! Now "Crude" is grinding SMP's face against those bars, The Doc's
in bad shape. Back in 2, Sheik is holding The Tiger while douja punches
away at the former football standout, 15 straight and douja's picking up
steam...that "bad trip" he had earlier finally wearing off, but far too late
to save his title. Any word yet, Cap...on WHO WAS THE PUSHER?
No, nothing. Oil just threw Plants into Ring 2, and
Hector joins his Galley-ites in the beating of The Tiger. douja now moving
back over to SMP...and kicks him right in the mouth!
It won't shut him up, dough.
The clock's winding down, and not too soon for the faces. The man advantage
taking it's toll on The Tiger and SMP.
WAIT A MINUTE! WHO IS THAT?!?
(A man in black, hooded trenchcoat appears from behind
the curtain. He walks halfway down the ramp and stops.)
IT'S THE PUSHER!
Subway Herb? Man, he ain't signed a contract
What the hell are you talking about, Jamal?
Hold the phone! I just got word about what was wrong
with douja earlier. He had an allergic reaction to orange
WHAT?!? Orange pekoe? THAT'S IT! The only way anybody could find out douja's
allergies was to read his medical record, maintained by our part-time Nurse
Practitioner and full-time Club Med valet. Now it all makes sense...the goofy
skit at the top of the show with Nurse Heidi and Deviance, the brown folder,
somebody's claim in a recent interview to cost douja his title. That wasn't
weed douja got earlier...he got something with the main ingredient of orange
pekoe...nah, that wasn't pot...IT WAS TEA LEAVES!
Yo, dat muss mean Tha Pusha is.....
("Enter Sandman" by Pat Boone plays...igniting a gigantic
pop. The pusher removes his hood and the crowd gets louder...)
IT'S "SOFT CORE" ZACK!
(Zack removes the trenchcoat and tosses it into the crowd
where a teen boy grabs it and begins plotting his activities when the school
year rolls around. Hey, NOT THAT! He's cast in the school play in its
rendition of Kurt Russell's "Escape From L.A."...so THERE!)
AND HERE WE GO! Zack runs down the ramp and slides into Ring 1. Sheik and Oil
come over and attack Zack, and that's a fact, Jack.
Are you okay, Vince?
The Exhorbitant One and The Oily One whip Zack across the ring and attempt
a double clothesline, Zack ducks it, bounces off the ropes and....DOUBLE
CLOTHESLINE ON THE SHEIK AND OIL! BOOM! Zack
bounces up quickly and places both hands on his hips, striking a fairly
good Superman-esque stance.
He might THINK he's Superman...but you see who HAS
Did you say Sheek's oil? He clotheslined The Sheek's
oil? Yo, I guess gas prices be goin' up, again.
I be tryin' to add colla, now you be tellin' me to
shut up? An' by tha way, Cap, if douja was allergic to orange peeko, you
be owin' me 5 bones sucka, dat "Head Explody" didn't work. I told you
dat nevva gonna work, pay ups old man.
Zack now in Ring 2 and is pounding away on douja. The Tiger is back up and
going into Ring 1. SMP holding up douja...Zack coming off the top rope...
BOOM!...big fist to douja's head. The Tiger with
a spinning heel kick to Tr`es Sheik. BOOM! El
Tigre now sending "Crude" Oil into those bars...BOOM!
That's it. You have to use those bars as a weapon.
KICK HIM! KICK HIM! KICK HIM LIKE A DOG!
That sounds familiar.
He juss mad cause I gots his bank.
Jamal...oh, nevermind. SMP joining The Tiger in Ring 1. Zack grinding douja
into that Nerf(tm) cage in Ring 2, and if anybody knows Nerf(tm), it's The
Innovator of G-Rated Violence. douja opening a couple more packs, he's in
a bad way. Wait a minute! There's Patrick "The Finger" Patrickson, the 2
minute period isn't over yet...he's coming in!
Yo, he's da booka...who gonna stop him?
Hector has opened some packs on his head, but he's so greasy, you can't
really tell. SMP just grabbed "The Finger" and threw him into the cage...The
Tiger with a running slam with Sheik into the wall...
BOOM! BOOM! Zack with a jackhammer suplex on douja in Ring 2...
BOOM! I guess he'll call that the
Oooooh, very witty, Vince. *sigh*
That's the end of the clock for Zack's 2 minute period, but "Finger" is
already in...so send in a face!
(Okay...The crowd erupts as Goldberg's old music plays...
wait a sec...as "In the Hall Of The Mountain King" by Grieg plays. Bohemoth
comes out, but not ready to throw anything into the crowd. He thought about
throwing his glass eye, but due to "Here's Glass in Yer Eye" increasing
their prices, and the very real possibilty of frightening children, Bo
just runs to the ring, denying the fans of getting a "souvie" from the big
IT'S BOHEMOTH! Oh my, things are going to pick up here.
(several 'booms' heard in background as the action continues) Bo
climbs into Ring 1...he's CLEANING HOUSE!
Cleanin' house? Yo, dat mina nevva cleaned a house
in his life...he live in coal mine fo cryin' out loud.
Bohemoth with a powerbomb on "The Finger"...BOOM!
Bo clothelines the Exhorbitant Arab...BOOM! Bo
after Hector Oil...BOOM! I don't know what he
did but the fans liked it. Bohemoth heading to Ring 2...he's after
SMP with a kneedrop to "Finger's" groin...The Tiger
with a sleeper on Tr`es Sheik, Sheik has found some catsup and is busted
open as well. Ring 1 almost full...only Zack, douja, and now Bohemoth in
Ring 2. Hector lay motionless in between the two rings...I have no idea how
he got there...it looks like a wreck on the interstate.
That, too, sounds very familiar.
Yo, dat "Fingerin'" booka wavin' his hand...here
come "Pops" Khorne an' Tha IG Champion...SGT. GENOCIDE!
This thing is breaking down now. Colonel Khrone and Genocide in Ring 1.
douja is down is Ring 2, after Bo just military pressed him 8 times into
the roof of the Nerf(tm) cage...Bohemoth with THE SMASHER!
BOOM! He's going up for another one...he's trying to kill douja! Zack
and Khrone now going at it, SMP sent head first into the bars by The Champ,
"The Finger" trying to get The Tiger to relaese that sleeper on Sheik.
Where are the rest of the elite face team members? The Sarge steps into Ring
2...sneaks up on Bohemoth and nails him in the back. Whips him into the
ropes...ELIMINATOR! The Champ has Zack...ELIMINATOR! Everyone now in Ring 2
except The Tiger...who waits in Ring 1...the imminent showdown between the
first champ and the current champ. Genocide has SMP...ELIMINATOR! The Gallery
with a five on two dismantling of SMP and Zack. Sgt. Genocide has knocked
Bohemoth's glass eye out of his head, and has it in his right hand!
GENOCIDE: Now you can watch me beat your a<-BLEEP-> coming and
going. Ha ha ha.
Wow! Even though Bohemoth's glass eyeball can't see whether it's in his head
or not, the very fact that Sgt. Genocide would say this indicates that he is
indeed, a very mean man.
Yo, here come "Lightnin' Clippas"! But no Hank...what
up wit dat?
I don't know, Jamal...but Kamera Kid is telling us to look at the
(Shot of an unconscious Homicidal Hank as he lay on the
dressing room floor...Spike is beside him half out of his pot, Spike's little
crown crushed. Hank has a smiley-frown face sticker attached to his forehead.
The Mad Cow comes in the room and revives Hank, who sees the geranium knocked
Hank: "YOU BASTARD!"
MAD COW: "Hey, I was trying to help...I didn't do..."
(Hank picks up Mad Cow and throws him through a sheet rock
wall about an inch thick...you know the ones. Several generic security hold
Ah, one of the oldest gags in wrestling, the old case
of mistaken idenity bit. Sets up their North American Title match nicely,
Well put, Cap. Oooh, Claude Leroux going after "The Finger"...The Tiger still
waiting in Ring 1...and here comes Sgt. Genocide! The IG champ with an
eyerake...he throws The Tiger across the ring...he's going for his finisher!
THE TIGER DUCKS THE ELIMINATOR! Genocide up...and Tiger splits his uprights!
Brings a whole new meanin' to foot and ball, yo!
Richmond 3 - Ukraine 0!
That was the most vicious kick to that area I've ever seen! This week! The
Tiger has The Champ up in..."THE TIGER RACK!" Wait, douja over from Ring
2, and he just clipped The Tiger's knee that suffered the dead-end angle
injury to his patella. He might have re-injured it!
There's an uncontrollable brawl in Ring 2...Zack
punching away at Hector, Tr`es Sheik has SMP and is twisting his arm.
Claude Leroux now at the mercy of "Pops" Khorne and "The Finger". Bohemoth
crawling around on his hands and knees looking for his glass eyeball. Sgt.
Genocide waving to the back again...and here comes THE
This is horrible! The Tri-Lambs and The Gallery forming THE EVIL ALLIANCE!
Hank's gone and it's going to be to 12 against 5...can anybody stop this...
(Shot of Luke Warm as he just entered the building...the
crowd lets out a humongous pop as they recognize Luke on the Monstron. Luke
looks at a Well Placed Monitor(tm)...takes off his 99.44% Pure Luke-Hoo
shirt... and runs out of view of the camera. The next shot is of Luke
running out from behind the curtain...the pop is so loud you can't even
hear Vic playing "Stuff Breaking - Boomtang Remix".)
IT'S LUKE WARM! IT'S LUKE WARM!
YEAH BOY-EE! You can'ts have The Gallery pullin'
some sh[bleep] widdout some HUBCAPPAS! GO GIT 'EM LUKE!
You're in The Hubcap Gang, Jamal...why don't you run on down there?
Nah, I be juss fine right here, yo.
Luke enters the cage, all the heels stop to get in line, and wait for Luke
to wave them in. STONECUTTER ON PNG! BOOM!
Luke has Trapezoid...STONECUTTER! He waves Khorne over...STONECUTTER ON
"POPS" KHORNE! BOOM! BOOM! Luke on a rampage!
STONECUTTER ON douja! He has "The Finger"...STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER ON
Yo, he gonna break his ole record!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Luke waves in "Crude" Oil...
STONECUTTER! Grease drops fly off Hector's head like a swarm of bees!
STONECUTTER ON SWITCH, STONECUTTER ON THE SQUARE, STONECUTTER ON
(Please insert your own "booms", I'm getting
]]]Hey, screw you, man, I'm not doing your dirty
(Oh God, we're doing the MCW narrator-argument
]]]There's something wrong with that? It's a good
(No no, just pointing it out.)
Luke has gone berserk! STONECUTTER ON EL SPHEROS and TRÈS SHEIK!
Luke has the Intergalactic Champion! STONECUTTER ON SGT. GENOCIDE!
(Look, this thing has gotten totally out of
THIS MATCH HAS BE DECLARED A NO DECISION!
That is NOT going to set well with these fans! StreetMime lowering himself
from the rafters...but his line breaks and he falls on top of the Nerf(tm)
cage and just bounced himself into the balcony! WHAT A NIGHT!
About 1000 *ahem* security has come out to break this
thing up. Everbody fighting back to the dressing room. Wait...Claude is still
in Ring 1, and HE HAS A MIC!
Lightning Clippers: Look, I know I promised to shave The Rogue's head,
eh? But, it looks like that is not going to happen. I promised you blokes I'd shave a
head...and by Joe that's what I'm going to do. I've had this shearing gimmick
for months and the only head I've shaved was a snotty lad from a two-bit
magazine, eh? But fans, you want it, you get it! EH?!?
Leroux has a chair in Ring 1, he sits down in it, and he's putting his shears
to his own noggin'!
CLAUDE LEROUX IS SHAVING HIS OWN HEAD! What a face! Sacrificing his own
follicles to give the fans what they want to see, even though it isn't The
Rogue. What a gesture, Claude winning the hearts of all our fans here
Claude LeRULES, Claude LeRULES, Claude
Listen to these fans!
I don't hear any fans. All I hear is some guy
in the back cranking up the Victrola with a "Claude LeRULES" chant on the
Not even Vic?
What a night, and it looks as though THE EVIL ALLIANCE
still has the upper hand on the STWF. What will happen next? We'll see what
the future holds...but for now we're finally out of time. So, for Captain
Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying good
night and we hope you enjoyed IN YOUR FACE: soft CORE GAMES!
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo
Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre