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(Pan interior of The Large Dome. A rather rowdy crowd has gathered and cheer wildly as explosions and pyro light the arena...the Pyro/Sparkler Guys getting full use out of their PPV bonus. Panning the fans, several signs and posters are seen, as usual nowadays. Some include, "I Toked Weed with douja", "The Tiger is Puuuuurrfect", and "Bohemoth Has One Eye"... you know, the typical STWF audience. DJ Fled was even supposed to be here, but a Roman Candle gone awry set his turn table into a blaze...he ran away.) Good Evening everybody and welcome to...IN YOUR FACE: soft CORE GAMES: THE MATCH BEYOND sanity! Don't be left out, ORDER NOW!
Yo, V. If dey heerin' you say dat, didn't dey orda?
Technically yes, but you know we have to say that right down to last second. I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, along with Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Captain Twilight, and we have a colossal card tonight. The Biggest Pay Per View EVER!
Yet another thing we have to say, right?
Of course! The current PPV is ALWAYS the biggest...until the next one!
Yo, I still be trippin' dat Fled's gone. I can't believe dey say he ran away. Git it? He "RAN" away. Yo, dat's phat!
Shut up, Jamal...we have alot to cover, so let's get right to it. This video was shot earlier today in the dressing room. It's Nurse Heidi and Deviance!
Are they naked?
NO! Cap, have some respect for the ladies, will ya? And quit reading Jamal's lines.
(Camera pans up to the Monstron, Nurse Heidi and Deviance are sitting in front of Large Desk, which has a Large Mirror, and are applying make-up.)
Nurse Heidi: Here Deve, I think Zack would like to see this.
Deviance: Really? What is it?
(Nurse Heidi hands Deviance a brown folder. Deviance opens it and reads it to herself.)
Deviance: Hey, can't you get in trouble for this?
Nurse Heidi: In the real world maybe, but in the STWF, it's perfectly fine. And by the way, I really like your eyeshadow.
Deviance: Really? I was just going to ask you about your lipstick...what shade is that?
(Back to McMadden, who has a blank stare on his face.)
What in the hell was that? That made no sense at all.
Yo, who cares if it make sense? Dose a couple fillets around tha way, knowhatI'msayin'? Tha brudda's knowhatI'm sayin'.
No, Jamal. I have no idea what you're saying. Help me out, Cap.
A 'fillet AROUND the way' is a fine girl not from your 'hood. Basic 'hood terminology, right Jamal?
Word.
Uh...thanks Cap, you're a big help. Alright, I've been given the word that we've wasted enough time...here's our opening match! As you know we have two rings tonight to house soft CORE GAMES. We are sitting at our announcer's table next to the ring closest to the entrance ramp, and it'll be known as Ring One. The ring furthest from us will...I guess...be Ring Two. This place is packed, well..at least one side is, and we've made certain to set up our cameras on the other end of the arena for the full shots of both rings, to give the illusion of a sellout. The fans that are here are jacked! Let's get on with it! Hit it, Lad!
Our first match of the evening is for the STWF Domino Championship that is Not Recognized by the STWF. First, from the WWF (boos from the crowd) and making his STWF debut here tonight...THE DOMINO!
Voice Over: "DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE 'MO IS COOKIN'?" Music begins that sounds very familiar to someone else's. He will remain nameless. More voice overs as the music continues..."THE 'MO' SAYS", "THE 'MO SAYS", "THE 'MO SAYS, KNOW THE DOM-I-NO." (Boos filter the air and litter fills the aisle as The Domino walks out...grabbing his eye in pain after an ill-advised attempt to raise one eyebrow.)
Oooooh, he may have detached a retina on that one.
Dat's what he gets, da copycat.
Well, I think that's his gimmick, Jamal. He's a blantant ripoff and proud of it. And you know the STWF is "Excellence In Gimmickry"! Maybe one day he'll find a gimmick of his own.
His opponent, the self proclaimed Domino Champion...The Portland Powerhouse, MITTENS THE MANNERLESS! ("Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" plays with an underlying heavy metal guitar riff, Mittens trying to build his 'bad guy' image. More boos as Mittens saunters to the ring, but not as many as The Domino recieved.)
And HERE WE GO! The way I understand the rules to this match, both men have one minute to tip over as many dominoes as they can. 50 seconds to set them up, and with 10 seconds left, they start their lines of dominoes falling. The one with the most tipped over when the clock runs out...wins!
Yo, whose lame a<-BLEEP-> idea was dis? Dis is a PayPaView! Git dis sh<-BLEEP-> offa here. Come on, Cap...let's go git a drank.
No way, this is gonna be good! I love tipping those things, I wish they had matches like these in my day!
***bell rings.
Uh oh, The Domino just pulled a baggie of patented "STWF Heel's White Powder" out of his trunks, and has blinded Mittens with a billowing cloud of it! Mittens falls to the canvas, and The Domino begins setting up his dominoes. I wonder how many times I'm going to say 'domino' over the duration of this match...the clock is ticking! 42 seconds left, and The Domino has the advantage, despite his injured eye!
I got seven...whatchoo got, Cap?
I have Angus at eight, but don't talk to me, I want to watch this.
Please, stop that. We have a match to call here. The Domino way out in front. A possible title change in our opening match, even though it's for a title more fictional than all the others around here. Mittens trying to get to his feet, The Domino has at least 25 dominoes lined up with 28 seconds left. The excitment is killing me..An .STWF Pay Per View at its finest!
Yo, V. Did you say sumpin'?
Quiet, Jamal...this is great! The tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife.
A butta knife, maybe. And yo, dat's a hard maybe.
Mittens is getting to his feet, he's not going to have time to set up any dominoes, he's going to lose his title! There's only 16 seconds left and The Domino has at least 50 set up. Mittens is up, 10 seconds left...and The Domino has set his line falling. This one is done!
Wait! Mittens grabs The Domino around the throat...he has him up...CHOKESLAM! BOOM!
What a crowd response! That was incredible, I told you they were jacked!
Mittens: Mittens wonders how much tipping one big Domino is worth?
Yo, dat whack ref is akchoolie pondrin' Mittens' queschun! Diss match is wiggin'!
Underpaid and Unappreciated Ring Official: I'd guess at least 100.
THREE...TWO...ONE!
The clock has expired!
The winner of this match, and still the Domino Champion... MITTENS THE MANNERLESS!
WHAT DA?
The Domino is back up, and just hit Mittens with his own title! Mittens falls in a heap...I don't think we've seen the last of these two.
Yo, I hope diss tha last time we see dese two.
The Domino just broke the Domino Title in half over the ringpost...Mittens is not going to like that when he wakes up. Wait, I've just been informed that douja is in the parking lot, and ironically, we have a camera out there. Take us to the Monstron, Kid.
(Shot of a man in a black, hooded trenchcoat. He's outside the Large Dome, sitting on a Large Bench, reading a Large Magazine. douja approaches him.)
douja: yo, can ya hooka brudda up?
Man: I don't believe I understand what you're saying. douja: muddaf<-BLEEP->er, you out here in the middle of f<-BLEEP->in' nowhere in tha middle of tha f<-BLEEP->in' night, sittin' a f<-BLEEP->in' bench. i'm lookin' to score you cracka a<-BLEEP-> cracka. i got two matches tonight and I needs to git extra high. hooka brudda up wit sum blunt.. huh huh..
Man: Oh, you mean marijiuana? Why didn't you say so?
Due to drug use, this program is rated TV-14. Viewer discretion is advised. If you're watching this PPV in a bar, don't you wish you had ordered it at home because the sound is off and there's no closed captioning, so you don't know what the hell they're saying?
douja: look beeotch, i ain't gots all day, a'ight? give me dat sh<-BLEEP->.. huh huh..
Man: That'll be...
douja: tha'll be nuttin', you mudda f<-BLEEP->er! I roll wit da Galley, and wees don't pay for sh<-BLEEP->! Now git your a<-BLEEP-> outta here before I knock your mudda f<-BLEEP->in' a<-Gee, what a pottymouth-> out!
(douja quickly rolls a "fattie" and blows smoke in the man's face..the next shot is of Angus...with yet another blank stare.)
Disclaimer: The STWF/CSTLL does not promote the use of illicit drugs of any kind. Drink milk...it's good for you, and besides... IT'S LEGAL!
Okay. I'm now totally lost here. Is there anything relevant to anything we're doing here tonight? Is there?
Oh, stop it, "Vince". You know who that pusher was.
No, really. I don't.
Yeah, and like Speed didn't know Racer X was his older brother that ran away from home years ago.
I don't know who it was or why we had to sit through that. I do know that it's time for our next match...
Our next event of the evening is set for one fall and is for the ICCTI Blah Blah IC Championship. Introducing first, representing The Mad Force Clan, he's the former champion, and from somewhere in Canada... LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER!
(Darth Vader Theme plays, Vic thinking "The Force" requires some tie-in to The George Lucas classic. Besides, Vic thinks it sounds cool. Lenny walks to the ring to a nice pop...hey, either they like the guy, or the fact he's wrestling a Gallery-ite enhanced the cheers. Lenny is not complaining.)
And his opponent, representing The Rogue's Gallery, and currently residing on Cloud 9...he's the three time ICC whateveritis IC champion...douja!
("Roll It Up, Light It Up, Smoke It Up" by Cypress Hill plays. douja floats to the ring in an obvious drug-hazed stupor...even more than usual. He stumbles into Ring 2, since the first match was in Ring 1...or didn't you notice?)
***bell rings.
Man, I've never seen douja this high. He might have a hard time defending that title here tonight.
Forget that. I want to see "The Head Explody" work. I know it will work one of these days.
Yo, Caps. I gots 5 bucks sayin' dat will nevva work.
You're on, Jamal!
Would you two please stop that? We're live! You can't gamble on sports.
Yo, Pete Rose did...why can't we?
Besides, this is sports ENTERTAINMENT. Look! Lenny realizes douja's weakened condition! He's going for "The Head Explody" already! Lenny's got his hands on his knees, he's closing his eyes, look at that concentration!
You're right, Cap! douja's bleeding from his nose, he's staggering around the ring. HE'S DOWN! I don't believe it! douja is going into convulsions in the middle of the ring! It's WORKING!
Yo, I ain't beleevin' dis sh<-BLEEP->.
Jamal, watch the language, we're live! douja is flat on his back. Lenny is opening his eyes...
Lenny: "Holy Sh<-BLEEP->! It worked! It REALLY worked!
Baxter going for the cover...the crowd is joining in...
ONE...TWO...THREE!
The winner of this match...and for the second time... the NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW ICCTINACBBIC Champion...LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER!
WOW! Lenny regains the title and doesn't even have a hand put to his body. This is amazing, two matches and we've only seen one thing with any similance to a wrestling maneuver. I can feel the fans wanting their money back, I can FEEL it.
Are you kidding? These people just witnessed "The Head Explody" actually work. That's priceless! And for me, it's worth 5 big ones. And Lenny, don't think "The Head Explody" worked on the pirate guy...oh no. But tonight...YES indeed! Pay up, Jamal.
Man, diss is bullsh<-BLEEP-> Lookadat, his head ain't done nuttin. Ain't exploded, ain't an explody. (Cap snatches the five dollar bill anyway)
Well, our first two matches might have been a little short on physical activity, but this next one won't. The Ambulance Jockeys have finally removed douja from the ring, Garry a little hesitant to give douja some oxygen, but the ring is clear and this next one should be high on the action meter. The winner gets a shot at Homicidal Hank's North American title, even though one man has already challenged Hank and Hank accepted. Go figure.
This match is set for one fall and will be held in Ring 1. First, representing The Mad Force Clan, from Calgary, Alberta, Canada... here is THE MAD COW! ("Cowboy Song" by Garth Brooks plays. Mad Cow high- fives Lenny as the two pass each other on the ramp. The vegetarian gets a pretty good pop, those in attendance respecting his stand against eating meat, even though 98% of them are eating hotdogs right now.)
And his opponent...(boos from the crowd, the loudest so far this evening. Fans normally do that when a 'good guy' very recently turns his back on them.)... from Seattle, Washington...THE VIOLENT PACIFIST! (VP walks to the ring with the distinct swagger reserved for heels. He's wearing a black t-shirt with one of those big yellow smiley-faces on it, except this one is half smiley- face and half frown face, with the words "HAVE A NICE DAY" across the top... "AND GO TO HELL" across the bottom. The Pacifist side trying to come through, but The Violent side winning out. He's also wearing one of those generic 'greeting stickers' on his shirt...with "Hi, I'm the Violent Pacifist, and I'm Here To Hate You" on it. VP is pelted with garbage, but not alot. The fans are saving the good stuff for The Tri-Lambs and Rogue's Gallery. VP steps through the ropes just as Trent Reznor in his Nine Inch Nails days sings something about animals in "Closer".)
***bell rings.
And here we go! The More Violent Than Ever Pacifist attacks The Mad Cow before the Mad One knew what hit him. Cow down in the corner...and VP is unmercifully stomping away at him.
Now dat's mo like it, yo. I can git in ta diss.
What would drive a man to turn his back on his fans of so long. I didn't know VP had it in him, but I kinda like it.
Well, maybe he always had this deep inside him, it just took this long for The violent side to overcome The pacifist side. VP with a bodyslam on The Mad Cow. A quick cover, VP pulls him up before a one count. Interesting matchup...their weight almost identical, but Mad giving up almost a foot in height. VP now going for an elbowdrop...
...He missed it! Listen to that fan reaction! Those that didn't leave during the lackluster first two matches are really shaking the rafters.
Yo, how can enybodee leave wit soft games comin' up?
That's soft CORE GAMES, Jamal. With RE-INFORCED Nerf(tm) bars! RE-INFORCED! The ultimate, wimpy battleground. And no one has left, they're just all in line to get their Official STWF Credit Cards. Oh, The Mad Cow has VP in the corner...Mad Cow mounting the turnbuckle, his fist clenched.
Oh yeah, I love these! Let's listen...
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9......10!
Ooooooh, VP just dumped Cow over the top rope and to the floor. Mad hitting hard on the concrete, VP following him outside the ring...Pacifist has a chair...
WHAM! Man, what a mean streak. VP picks Mad Cow up by the hair and throws him back in the ring. The Cow having some trouble dealing with the size difference. Listen to this crowd...tremendous booing for the Pacifist...
Yo, dey not booin'...DEY MOOIN'! Mads gettin' pumped up!
Mad Cow with a right hand to VP's jaw.BOOM! And another right! BOOM! The crowd getting behind The Cow. BOOM! Another right sends The Violent Pacifist to the mat! Cow picks VP up and whips him across the ring into the corner...he's sitting him up for THE BULL RUSH!
The Mad Cow charges, VP moves...and OOOH! Mad Cow runs himself shoulder first past the turnbuckle and into the ringpost! AWWWWWW!
Now what?
(A regal fanfare plays. King Spike is carried on a tiny throne by two jobbers. His tiny crown reflecting the arena lights like flashbulbs.)
It appears Spike has come to scout Hank's next opponent for his N.A. title.
Hold up. How tha hell is a potted geranium gonna scout a match?
Cause it's a STWF Pay Per View, and NOBODY does Pay Per View like the STWF!
VP: "Hey, get that damn plant outta here!"
The Violent Pacifist is distracted by Spike's appearance, this could be the opening Mad Cow was waiting for...
Mad sneaks up behind VP and rolls him up...Pacifist is kicking frantically... ONE...TWO...THREE! I don't believe THIS! The Mad Cow gets the win...with the aided distraction from a house plant!
And yo, VP is pi[bleep]d! He juss hit Mads from behind.
The Violent Pacifist has gone beserk! He's beating The Mad Cow like...like...
A government mule?"
No.
A prostatutin' ho?
No. Jamal, have some respect for the ladies, will ya?
How about a red-headed stepchild?
No, no, no. Oh, nevermind! Pacifist just spit at The Mad Cow, who is lying on the mat in fetal position...VP being careful not to really get any spit on him. What a turn of events. Well, I think it's time to shamelessly promote our next Pay Per View.
But our next PPV is one of those stable-based ones. And we don't even know what stable is featured. And why are we talking about the next PPV in the middle of our current one?
We don't have to know who's featured, there's a promo already...and the reason we're talking about it now is because that's what everybody else does.
But we're NOT everybody else. We're the STWF...and NOBODY does Pay Per View like the STWF. Isn't that what you said, McMadden?
See Cap, you're catching on nicely.
ORDER OUR STABLE-BASED PPV WITH SPECIAL GUEST THE ROGUE'S GALLERY...OR DIE! HA-LA!
And we're back.
Yo, dat's it? Dat sucked.
Well, I guess the guys in our "promo room" didn't get much information about it either. Announcer Lad is in Ring 2...let's go to our next match.
Ladies and Gentlemen. This next match is set for one fall, and is for the 3-4-1 Tag-Team Titles. Introducing first, the challengers, from Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada and Paradise, Pennsylvania...JEAN BANNISTER AND SIR HUNGALOT...PAIN & PLEASURE! ("Rock 'N Roll Part 2" by Gary Glitter plays, P&P choosing that song for their entrance. Quite frankly, if it can psyche up a Los Angeles Clippers' crowd, just think what it can do here with these rare, frenzied fans at a STWF show.) And their oppo....
WAIT, LOOK AT THIS! The entire Tri-Lambda group was under the ring! PNG, Edwina, The Techies, Trapezoid, and the 3-4-1 champions El Spheros and The Square just crawled out from under the ring! They've had to be under there ALL NIGHT!
***bell rings
That took the challengers totally off guard. The Square just threw Sir H out of the ring. El Spheros literally rolling over Bannister. And now a double team on the former hockey goon. The champs looking stronger than ever tonight, "Vince".
Yo, diss might be too much for tha challenjas to ovvacome.
Jamal, can you speak ANY recognizable English? The Square with an elbow smash to Jean's temple. Tag to El Spheros, who continues the attack. Bannister needing a tag...El Spheros with a devestating backbreaker, goes for the pin! 1...2...
Yo, Jean barely gots outta dat.
Bannister reaching for the tag to The Big Sir...but he's a long ways away. El Spheros with a handful of Jean's hair, pulls him back to his corner, and tags in The Square. The Geek just standing ouside the ring with a huge, evil grin.
The Immortal Shapes in rare form tonight. The Square with a hard right, has Bannister up for a high, vertical suplex. Wham! What impact! He's dragging Jean back to The Shapes corner. He's tagged in El Spheros...WHO IS GOING TO THE TOP! It's the SUPER SUPER SPINNING SPHEROS SPLASH! IT'S OVER!
Wait, El Spheros adding some extra rotations to his already-way-too-many-than-humanly-possible spin...Bannister rolls away!
Yo, it be loud up in here.
You think that response was loud...just wait till Bannister makes this tag, it's going to blow the roof off this place. El Spheros trying to recover from the missed attempt off the ropes...he's trying to tag The Square.
(several minutes pass)
Jean inching his way to The Knight In Latex Armor...El Spheros reaching for The Square...
(several more minutes pass)
The Square is tagged in! Bannister reaching...reaching....
Yo, could dey possblee drag diss out any more?
Reaching...Square's in mid-ring...Jean reaching....AND THERE'S THE TAG!
*YAWN* What happened? Did I miss anything? I think I dozed off.
The Square to attempt a right, blocked by Hungalot, who nails The Square with a right of his own! BOOM! Irish whip into the ropes, and a bi i i i ig backdrop! The Square is down! El Spheros off the top rope...BOOM!...and Sir H caught him in mid- air with a clothesline! Bannister back in...all four men in the ring! PNG is beside himself!
No he ain't, Edwiener is. An' what's up wit dese fans, sayin' "boom" an' sh[bleep]?
I'll explain later, Jamal. Bannister with The Slap Shot on The Square!Hungalot with the cover...Jean back to hitting El Spheros and throwing him outside the ring!
ONE...TWO...THR....AWWWWWWWW!
NO! PNG just stopped the count with the now en vogue pulling the referee out of the ring by his ankles. The crowd is deafening...HERE COMES CANDY CANTELOPES! What action...what pandemodium...what cliché!
Candy did axed PNG fo a match, but Geek says no. He gonna git one now, dough!
BOOM! Candy just nailed The Pencil-Necked Geek and sent him sprawling...knocking over the Easily Separatable Ring Steps(tm). Edwina and Candy going at it now, they're pulling at each other's hair, and now they both just fell against the Flimsy Guardrail(tm)! WHAT ACTION!
MEOW! MEOW!
No respect for women, Cap. None at all. Hungalot has The Square in The G-Spot! Trapezoid just hit Bannister with a chair. Trapezoid in the ring, the ref busy trying to seperate Candy and Edwina. OHHHH! Trapezoid just crushed Big Sir with the chair and rolls The Square over Hungalot. All the ref has to do is turn around and this one is over...
underpaid and underappreciated ref: "Hey, you know I can't turn around until the hockey stick is used."
Pardon me. Bannister back up with his hockey stick. Outside the ring he hits PNG! BOOM! He nails El Spheros! BOOM! He's in the ring...and whacks Trapeziod like eye-ballin' an empty netter! BOOM! Bannister looks at The Square laying across Hungalot...looks to crowd for approval...and cracks the stick over The Square's back! BOOM! Jean rolls Square over and places his partner over him...the ref turns around...
ONE...TWO...THREE!
Ladies and gentlemen...LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! The winners of this match...and THE NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW 3-4-1 TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS! PAIN AND PLEASURE! We'll now have a brief intermission...I gotta pee.
WOW! What a match! Take THAT Oliver Copp! What a night! And we haven't even seen soft CORE GAMES: THE MATCH BEYOND sanity, yet. So Cap, please explain what's going on with the fans tonight...
Well, Vic thought it would be nice to have the fans here tonight, for the first ever soft CORE GAMES, sound like the fans in the original match we're spoofing. So he bought a tape called "Authentic Crowd Noises From WarGames:The Match Beyond-July '87" and has been constantly hitting the play button on the PA system everytime a "good guy" hits a "bad guy." He says if you don't know what's he's talking about...rent the video and listen to the fan reaction. Although earlier, Garry "the Gurney" Greene swore to me in the back that those fans stole that phenomenon from his hometown crowd that was doing this type of thing in the very early '80's. Anyway, Vic told me during the intermission that midway through The Pain & Pleasure/Immortal Shapes match, the fans picked up on it and he no longer has to add it in himself. He also added that he was glad they caught on, he has a blister on his finger the size of a grapefruit.
Ohh, better hope ThatGuy doesn't see that. Well fans...the lights just went out. Buckle your seatbelts...it's time for the main event!
(The introduction to Ozzy Osbourne's "Mr. Crowley" begins, the creepiest thing Vic could think of to play as the Nerf(tm) Barred Cage starts to slowly descend from the top of The Large Dome. Fireworks go off and four giant sparklers light up the corners of the ultimate, wimpy battleground, setting one edge on fire and melting a good portion of the Nerf(tm) away...for I've yet to see flame-retardant Nerf(tm). Don't worry...it's not a big enough hole for anybody to escape.) Ladies and Gentlemen, this is our MAIN EVENT of the evening. (see part 2)
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre