IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
Call your cable subscriber NOW!
(Pan interior of The Large Dome. A rather rowdy crowd has
gathered and cheer wildly as explosions and pyro light the arena...the
Pyro/Sparkler Guys getting full use out of their PPV bonus. Panning the fans,
several signs and posters are seen, as usual nowadays. Some include, "I Toked
Weed with douja", "The Tiger is Puuuuurrfect", and "Bohemoth Has One Eye"...
you know, the typical STWF audience. DJ Fled was even supposed to be here,
but a Roman Candle gone awry set his turn table into a blaze...he ran
Good Evening everybody and welcome to...IN YOUR FACE: soft CORE GAMES: THE
MATCH BEYOND sanity! Don't be left out, ORDER NOW!
Yo, V. If dey heerin' you say dat, didn't dey
Technically yes, but you know we have to say that right down to last second.
I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, along with Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Captain
Twilight, and we have a colossal card tonight. The Biggest Pay Per View
Yet another thing we have to say,
Of course! The current PPV is ALWAYS the biggest...until the next one!
Yo, I still be trippin' dat Fled's gone. I can't
believe dey say he ran away. Git it? He "RAN" away. Yo, dat's
Shut up, Jamal...we have alot to cover, so let's get right to it. This
video was shot earlier today in the dressing room. It's Nurse Heidi and
Are they naked?
NO! Cap, have some respect for the ladies, will ya? And quit reading
(Camera pans up to the Monstron, Nurse Heidi and Deviance
are sitting in front of Large Desk, which has a Large Mirror, and are
Nurse Heidi: Here Deve, I think Zack would like to
Deviance: Really? What is it?
(Nurse Heidi hands Deviance a brown folder. Deviance opens
it and reads it to herself.)
Deviance: Hey, can't you get in trouble for
Nurse Heidi: In the real world maybe, but in the STWF, it's perfectly fine.
And by the way, I really like your eyeshadow.
Deviance: Really? I was just going to ask you about your lipstick...what
shade is that?
(Back to McMadden, who has a blank stare on his
What in the hell was that? That made no sense at all.
Yo, who cares if it make sense? Dose a couple fillets
around tha way, knowhatI'msayin'? Tha brudda's knowhatI'm
No, Jamal. I have no idea what you're saying. Help me out, Cap.
A 'fillet AROUND the way' is a fine girl not from
your 'hood. Basic 'hood terminology, right Jamal?
Uh...thanks Cap, you're a big help. Alright, I've been given the word that
we've wasted enough time...here's our opening match! As you know we have two
rings tonight to house soft CORE GAMES. We are sitting at our announcer's
table next to the ring closest to the entrance ramp, and it'll be known as
Ring One. The ring furthest from us will...I guess...be Ring Two. This place
is packed, well..at least one side is, and we've made certain to set up our
cameras on the other end of the arena for the full shots of both rings, to
give the illusion of a sellout. The fans that are here are jacked! Let's get
on with it! Hit it, Lad!
Our first match of the evening is for the STWF Domino
Championship that is Not Recognized by the STWF. First, from the WWF (boos
from the crowd) and making his STWF debut here tonight...THE DOMINO!
Voice Over: "DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE 'MO IS COOKIN'?"
Music begins that sounds very familiar to someone else's. He will remain
nameless. More voice overs as the music continues..."THE 'MO' SAYS", "THE
'MO SAYS", "THE 'MO SAYS, KNOW THE DOM-I-NO." (Boos filter the air and
litter fills the aisle as The Domino walks out...grabbing his eye in pain
after an ill-advised attempt to raise one eyebrow.)
Oooooh, he may have detached a retina on that one.
Dat's what he gets, da copycat.
Well, I think that's his gimmick, Jamal. He's a blantant ripoff and proud of
it. And you know the STWF is "Excellence In Gimmickry"! Maybe one day he'll
find a gimmick of his own.
His opponent, the self proclaimed Domino Champion...The
Portland Powerhouse, MITTENS THE MANNERLESS! ("Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"
plays with an underlying heavy metal guitar riff, Mittens trying to build his
'bad guy' image. More boos as Mittens saunters to the ring, but not as many
as The Domino recieved.)
And HERE WE GO! The way I understand the rules to this match, both men have
one minute to tip over as many dominoes as they can. 50 seconds to set them
up, and with 10 seconds left, they start their lines of dominoes falling.
The one with the most tipped over when the clock runs out...wins!
Yo, whose lame a<-BLEEP-> idea was dis? Dis is a
PayPaView! Git dis sh<-BLEEP-> offa here. Come on, Cap...let's go git a
No way, this is gonna be good! I love tipping those
things, I wish they had matches like these in my day!
Uh oh, The Domino just pulled a baggie of patented "STWF Heel's White Powder"
out of his trunks, and has blinded Mittens with a billowing cloud of it!
Mittens falls to the canvas, and The Domino begins setting up his dominoes.
I wonder how many times I'm going to say 'domino' over the duration of this
match...the clock is ticking! 42 seconds left, and The Domino has the
advantage, despite his injured eye!
I got seven...whatchoo got, Cap?
I have Angus at eight, but don't talk to me, I want
to watch this.
Please, stop that. We have a match to call here. The Domino way out in front.
A possible title change in our opening match, even though it's for a title
more fictional than all the others around here. Mittens trying to get to his
feet, The Domino has at least 25 dominoes lined up with 28 seconds left. The
excitment is killing me..An .STWF Pay Per View at its finest!
Yo, V. Did you say sumpin'?
Quiet, Jamal...this is great! The tension is so
thick you can cut it with a knife.
A butta knife, maybe. And yo, dat's a hard
Mittens is getting to his feet, he's not going to have time to set up any
dominoes, he's going to lose his title! There's only 16 seconds left and The
Domino has at least 50 set up. Mittens is up, 10 seconds left...and The
Domino has set his line falling. This one is done!
Wait! Mittens grabs The Domino around the throat...he
has him up...CHOKESLAM! BOOM!
What a crowd response! That was incredible, I told you they were
Mittens: Mittens wonders how much tipping one big Domino is
Yo, dat whack ref is akchoolie pondrin' Mittens'
queschun! Diss match is wiggin'!
Underpaid and Unappreciated Ring Official: I'd guess at least
The clock has expired!
The winner of this match, and still the Domino Champion...
MITTENS THE MANNERLESS!
The Domino is back up, and just hit Mittens with his
own title! Mittens falls in a heap...I don't think we've seen the last of
Yo, I hope diss tha last time we see dese
The Domino just broke the Domino Title in half over the ringpost...Mittens
is not going to like that when he wakes up. Wait, I've just been informed
that douja is in the parking lot, and ironically, we have a camera out there.
Take us to the Monstron, Kid.
(Shot of a man in a black, hooded trenchcoat. He's
outside the Large Dome, sitting on a Large Bench, reading a Large Magazine.
douja approaches him.)
douja: yo, can ya hooka brudda up?
Man: I don't believe I understand what you're saying.
douja: muddaf<-BLEEP->er, you out here in the middle of f<-BLEEP->in'
nowhere in tha middle of tha f<-BLEEP->in' night, sittin' a f<-BLEEP->in'
bench. i'm lookin' to score you cracka a<-BLEEP-> cracka. i got two
matches tonight and I needs to git extra high. hooka brudda up wit sum
blunt.. huh huh..
Man: Oh, you mean marijiuana? Why didn't you say so?
Due to drug use, this program is rated TV-14. Viewer
discretion is advised. If you're watching this PPV in a bar, don't you
wish you had ordered it at home because the sound is off and there's no
closed captioning, so you don't know what the hell they're
douja: look beeotch, i ain't gots all day, a'ight? give me dat
sh<-BLEEP->.. huh huh..
Man: That'll be...
douja: tha'll be nuttin', you mudda f<-BLEEP->er! I roll wit da Galley,
and wees don't pay for sh<-BLEEP->! Now git your a<-BLEEP-> outta here
before I knock your mudda f<-BLEEP->in' a<-Gee, what a pottymouth->
(douja quickly rolls a "fattie" and blows smoke in the
man's face..the next shot is of Angus...with yet another blank stare.)
Disclaimer: The STWF/CSTLL does not promote the use of
illicit drugs of any kind. Drink milk...it's good for you, and besides...
Okay. I'm now totally lost here. Is there anything relevant to anything we're
doing here tonight? Is there?
Oh, stop it, "Vince". You know who that pusher
No, really. I don't.
Yeah, and like Speed didn't know Racer X was his
older brother that ran away from home years ago.
I don't know who it was or why we had to sit through that. I do know that
it's time for our next match...
Our next event of the evening is set for one fall and is
for the ICCTI Blah Blah IC Championship. Introducing first, representing
The Mad Force Clan, he's the former champion, and from somewhere in Canada...
LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER!
(Darth Vader Theme plays, Vic thinking "The Force"
requires some tie-in to The George Lucas classic. Besides, Vic thinks it
sounds cool. Lenny walks to the ring to a nice pop...hey, either they like
the guy, or the fact he's wrestling a Gallery-ite enhanced the cheers. Lenny
is not complaining.)
And his opponent, representing The Rogue's Gallery, and currently residing
on Cloud 9...he's the three time ICC whateveritis IC champion...douja!
("Roll It Up, Light It Up, Smoke It Up" by Cypress Hill plays. douja floats
to the ring in an obvious drug-hazed stupor...even more than usual. He
stumbles into Ring 2, since the first match was in Ring 1...or didn't you
Man, I've never seen douja this high. He might have a hard time defending
that title here tonight.
Forget that. I want to see "The Head Explody" work.
I know it will work one of these days.
Yo, Caps. I gots 5 bucks sayin' dat will nevva work.
You're on, Jamal!
Would you two please stop that? We're live! You can't gamble on sports.
Yo, Pete Rose did...why can't we?
Besides, this is sports ENTERTAINMENT. Look! Lenny realizes douja's weakened condition!
He's going for "The Head Explody" already! Lenny's got his hands on his
knees, he's closing his eyes, look at that concentration!
You're right, Cap! douja's bleeding from his nose, he's staggering around
the ring. HE'S DOWN! I don't believe it! douja is going into convulsions
in the middle of the ring! It's WORKING!
Yo, I ain't beleevin' dis sh<-BLEEP->.
Jamal, watch the language, we're live! douja is flat on his back. Lenny is
opening his eyes...
Lenny: "Holy Sh<-BLEEP->! It worked! It REALLY worked!
Baxter going for the cover...the crowd is joining
The winner of this match...and for the second time...
the NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW ICCTINACBBIC Champion...LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER!
WOW! Lenny regains the title and doesn't even have a hand put to his body.
This is amazing, two matches and we've only seen one thing with any similance
to a wrestling maneuver. I can feel the fans wanting their money back, I can
Are you kidding? These people just witnessed "The
Head Explody" actually work. That's priceless! And for me, it's worth 5
big ones. And Lenny, don't think "The Head Explody" worked on the pirate
guy...oh no. But tonight...YES indeed! Pay up, Jamal.
Man, diss is bullsh<-BLEEP-> Lookadat, his head ain't done nuttin.
Ain't exploded, ain't an explody.
(Cap snatches the five dollar bill anyway)
Well, our first two matches might have been a little short on physical
activity, but this next one won't. The Ambulance Jockeys have finally
removed douja from the ring, Garry a little hesitant to give douja some
oxygen, but the ring is clear and this next one should be high on the action
meter. The winner gets a shot at Homicidal Hank's North American title, even
though one man has already challenged Hank and Hank accepted. Go figure.
This match is set for one fall and will be held in Ring
1. First, representing The Mad Force Clan, from Calgary, Alberta, Canada...
here is THE MAD COW! ("Cowboy Song" by Garth Brooks plays. Mad Cow high-
fives Lenny as the two pass each other on the ramp. The vegetarian gets a
pretty good pop, those in attendance respecting his stand against eating
meat, even though 98% of them are eating hotdogs right now.)
opponent...(boos from the crowd, the loudest so far this evening. Fans
normally do that when a 'good guy' very recently turns his back on them.)...
from Seattle, Washington...THE VIOLENT PACIFIST! (VP walks to the ring with
the distinct swagger reserved for heels. He's wearing a black t-shirt with
one of those big yellow smiley-faces on it, except this one is half smiley-
face and half frown face, with the words "HAVE A NICE DAY" across the top...
"AND GO TO HELL" across the bottom. The Pacifist side trying to come through,
but The Violent side winning out. He's also wearing one of those generic
'greeting stickers' on his shirt...with "Hi, I'm the Violent Pacifist, and
I'm Here To Hate You" on it. VP is pelted with garbage, but not alot. The
fans are saving the good stuff for The Tri-Lambs and Rogue's Gallery. VP
steps through the ropes just as Trent Reznor in his Nine Inch Nails days
sings something about animals in "Closer".)
And here we go! The More Violent Than Ever Pacifist attacks The Mad Cow
before the Mad One knew what hit him. Cow down in the corner...and VP is
unmercifully stomping away at him.
Now dat's mo like it, yo. I can git in ta diss.
What would drive a man to turn his back on his fans
of so long. I didn't know VP had it in him, but I kinda like it.
Well, maybe he always had this deep inside him, it just took this long for
The violent side to overcome The pacifist side. VP with a bodyslam on The
Mad Cow. A quick cover, VP pulls him up before a one count. Interesting
matchup...their weight almost identical, but Mad giving up almost a foot in
height. VP now going for an elbowdrop...
...He missed it! Listen to that fan reaction! Those
that didn't leave during the lackluster first two matches are really shaking
Yo, how can enybodee leave wit soft games comin' up?
That's soft CORE GAMES, Jamal. With RE-INFORCED Nerf(tm) bars! RE-INFORCED!
The ultimate, wimpy battleground. And no one has left, they're just all in
line to get their Official STWF Credit Cards. Oh, The Mad Cow has VP in the
corner...Mad Cow mounting the turnbuckle, his fist clenched.
Oh yeah, I love these! Let's listen...
Ooooooh, VP just dumped Cow over the top rope and to the floor. Mad hitting
hard on the concrete, VP following him outside the ring...Pacifist has a
WHAM! Man, what a mean streak. VP picks Mad Cow up by the hair and throws him back
in the ring. The Cow having some trouble dealing with the size difference.
Listen to this crowd...tremendous booing for the Pacifist...
Yo, dey not booin'...DEY MOOIN'! Mads gettin' pumped
Mad Cow with a right hand to VP's jaw.BOOM! And
another right! BOOM! The crowd getting behind
The Cow. BOOM! Another right sends The Violent
Pacifist to the mat! Cow picks VP up and whips him across the ring into
the corner...he's sitting him up for THE BULL RUSH!
The Mad Cow charges, VP moves...and OOOH! Mad Cow
runs himself shoulder first past the turnbuckle and into the ringpost!
(A regal fanfare plays. King Spike is carried on a tiny
throne by two jobbers. His tiny crown reflecting the arena lights like
It appears Spike has come to scout Hank's next opponent for his N.A. title.
Hold up. How tha hell is a potted geranium gonna
scout a match?
Cause it's a STWF Pay Per View, and NOBODY does Pay Per View like the STWF!
VP: "Hey, get that damn plant outta here!"
The Violent Pacifist is distracted by Spike's
appearance, this could be the opening Mad Cow was waiting for...
Mad sneaks up behind VP and rolls him up...Pacifist is kicking frantically...
ONE...TWO...THREE! I don't believe THIS! The Mad
Cow gets the win...with the aided distraction from a house plant!
And yo, VP is pi[bleep]d! He juss hit Mads from
The Violent Pacifist has gone beserk! He's beating The Mad Cow like...like...
A government mule?"
A prostatutin' ho?
No. Jamal, have some respect for the ladies, will ya?
How about a red-headed stepchild?
No, no, no. Oh, nevermind! Pacifist just spit at The Mad Cow, who is lying
on the mat in fetal position...VP being careful not to really get any spit
on him. What a turn of events. Well, I think it's time to shamelessly promote
our next Pay Per View.
But our next PPV is one of those stable-based ones.
And we don't even know what stable is featured. And why are we talking
about the next PPV in the middle of our current one?
We don't have to know who's featured, there's a promo already...and the
reason we're talking about it now is because that's what everybody else
But we're NOT everybody else. We're the STWF...and
NOBODY does Pay Per View like the STWF. Isn't that what you said, McMadden?
See Cap, you're catching on nicely.
ORDER OUR STABLE-BASED PPV WITH SPECIAL GUEST
THE ROGUE'S GALLERY...OR DIE! HA-LA!
And we're back.
Yo, dat's it? Dat sucked.
Well, I guess the guys in our "promo room" didn't get much information about
it either. Announcer Lad is in Ring 2...let's go to our next match.
Ladies and Gentlemen. This next match is set for one fall,
and is for the 3-4-1 Tag-Team Titles. Introducing first, the challengers,
from Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada and Paradise, Pennsylvania...JEAN
BANNISTER AND SIR HUNGALOT...PAIN & PLEASURE! ("Rock 'N Roll Part 2" by
Gary Glitter plays, P&P choosing that song for their entrance. Quite frankly,
if it can psyche up a Los Angeles Clippers' crowd, just think what it can
do here with these rare, frenzied fans at a STWF show.) And their oppo....
WAIT, LOOK AT THIS! The entire Tri-Lambda group was under the ring! PNG,
Edwina, The Techies, Trapezoid, and the 3-4-1 champions El Spheros and
The Square just crawled out from under the ring! They've had to be under
there ALL NIGHT!
That took the challengers totally off guard. The
Square just threw Sir H out of the ring. El Spheros literally rolling over
Bannister. And now a double team on the former hockey goon. The champs
looking stronger than ever tonight, "Vince".
Yo, diss might be too much for tha challenjas to
Jamal, can you speak ANY recognizable English? The Square with an elbow smash
to Jean's temple. Tag to El Spheros, who continues the attack. Bannister
needing a tag...El Spheros with a devestating backbreaker, goes for the
Yo, Jean barely gots outta dat.
Bannister reaching for the tag to The Big Sir...but
he's a long ways away. El Spheros with a handful of Jean's hair, pulls him
back to his corner, and tags in The Square. The Geek just standing ouside
the ring with a huge, evil grin.
The Immortal Shapes in rare form tonight. The Square with a hard right, has
Bannister up for a high, vertical suplex. Wham! What impact! He's dragging
Jean back to The Shapes corner. He's tagged in El Spheros...WHO IS GOING TO
THE TOP! It's the SUPER SUPER SPINNING SPHEROS SPLASH! IT'S OVER!
Wait, El Spheros adding some extra rotations to his
already-way-too-many-than-humanly-possible spin...Bannister rolls away!
Yo, it be loud up in here.
You think that response was loud...just wait till Bannister makes this tag,
it's going to blow the roof off this place. El Spheros trying to recover
from the missed attempt off the ropes...he's trying to tag The Square.
(several minutes pass)
Jean inching his way to The Knight In Latex Armor...El Spheros reaching for
(several more minutes pass)
The Square is tagged in! Bannister reaching...reaching....
Yo, could dey possblee drag diss out any more?
Reaching...Square's in mid-ring...Jean reaching....AND THERE'S THE TAG!
*YAWN* What happened? Did I miss anything? I think
I dozed off.
The Square to attempt a right, blocked by Hungalot, who nails The Square with
a right of his own! BOOM! Irish whip into the
ropes, and a bi i i i ig backdrop! The Square is down! El Spheros off the
top rope...BOOM!...and Sir H caught him in mid-
air with a clothesline! Bannister back in...all four men in the ring! PNG
is beside himself!
No he ain't, Edwiener is. An' what's up wit dese
fans, sayin' "boom" an' sh[bleep]?
I'll explain later, Jamal. Bannister with The Slap
Shot on The Square!Hungalot with the cover...Jean back to hitting El
Spheros and throwing him outside the ring!
NO! PNG just stopped the count with the now en vogue pulling the referee
out of the ring by his ankles. The crowd is deafening...HERE COMES CANDY
CANTELOPES! What action...what pandemodium...what cliché!
Candy did axed PNG fo a match, but Geek says no. He
gonna git one now, dough!
BOOM! Candy just nailed The Pencil-Necked Geek
and sent him sprawling...knocking over the Easily Separatable Ring Steps(tm).
Edwina and Candy going at it now, they're pulling at each other's hair, and
now they both just fell against the Flimsy Guardrail(tm)! WHAT ACTION!
No respect for women, Cap. None at all. Hungalot has The Square in The
G-Spot! Trapezoid just hit Bannister with a chair. Trapezoid in the ring,
the ref busy trying to seperate Candy and Edwina. OHHHH! Trapezoid just
crushed Big Sir with the chair and rolls The Square over Hungalot. All the
ref has to do is turn around and this one is over...
underpaid and underappreciated ref: "Hey, you know I can't turn around
until the hockey stick is used."
Pardon me. Bannister back up with his hockey stick. Outside the ring he hits
PNG! BOOM! He nails El Spheros!
BOOM! He's in the ring...and whacks Trapeziod like eye-ballin' an
empty netter! BOOM! Bannister looks at The Square
laying across Hungalot...looks to crowd for approval...and cracks the stick
over The Square's back! BOOM! Jean rolls Square
over and places his partner over him...the ref turns around...
Ladies and gentlemen...LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! The winners
of this match...and THE NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW
3-4-1 TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS! PAIN AND PLEASURE!
We'll now have a brief intermission...I gotta pee.
WOW! What a match! Take THAT Oliver Copp! What a night! And we haven't even
seen soft CORE GAMES: THE MATCH BEYOND sanity, yet. So Cap, please explain
what's going on with the fans tonight...
Well, Vic thought it would be nice to have the fans
here tonight, for the first ever soft CORE GAMES, sound like the fans in
the original match we're spoofing. So he bought a tape called "Authentic
Crowd Noises From WarGames:The Match Beyond-July '87" and has been constantly
hitting the play button on the PA system everytime a "good guy" hits a "bad
guy." He says if you don't know what's he's talking about...rent the video
and listen to the fan reaction. Although earlier, Garry "the Gurney" Greene
swore to me in the back that those fans stole that phenomenon from his
hometown crowd that was doing this type of thing in the very early '80's.
Anyway, Vic told me during the intermission that midway through The Pain &
Pleasure/Immortal Shapes match, the fans picked up on it and he no longer has
to add it in himself. He also added that he was glad they caught on, he has
a blister on his finger the size of a grapefruit.
Ohh, better hope ThatGuy doesn't see that. Well fans...the lights just went
out. Buckle your seatbelts...it's time for the main event!
(The introduction to Ozzy Osbourne's "Mr. Crowley" begins,
the creepiest thing Vic could think of to play as the Nerf(tm) Barred Cage
starts to slowly descend from the top of The Large Dome. Fireworks go off
and four giant sparklers light up the corners of the ultimate, wimpy
battleground, setting one edge on fire and melting a good
portion of the Nerf(tm) away...for I've yet to see flame-retardant Nerf(tm).
Don't worry...it's not a big enough hole for anybody to escape.)
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is our MAIN EVENT of the evening. (see part 2)
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre