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(Exterior of an abandoned ten-storey office building. A pixelboard near it reads:"STWF/CSTLL presents Monster Bash - sold out")
(Interior of the building. Some decent pyrotechnics for a change.)
Welcome to the Monster Bash! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, along with Jamal Tupac Mustafa, and finally returning to the announcer's booth, Captain Twilight! Welcome back, Cap!
You're not wearing your Rogue's Gallery shirt, Cap. What happened, you get kicked out or sumpin'?
I don't want to talk about it, thanks.
Well, our locker rooms are filled to the brim today! Ever since El Spheros put his belt on the line to anyone who signed a contract with him in the NWF would get a shot at Monster Bash! The wrestler known as DOOM has since accepted, and TWENTY-ONE people will be accompanying him to the ring! El Spheros has rustled up 21 of his own, so this is going to be one hell of a tense match!
As for the office building, well, since we have so many gimmicks, to save time we have set up a ring on most of the floors. We have a cameraman on each floor, just in case there's some floor-hopping. On lobby level, we are going to have El Spheros take on DOOM, and then DeRanged. Only on the lobby because El Spheros couldn't fit in the elevator, and stairs are hell for him.
On the second floor, there's a cafeteria, and on that floor we will have the triangle food-fight match between Col. "Pops" Khorne, Sir Gary Glutton and Hammond Egger.
The third floor is still an office setting, and thus the place for the "cubicle chaos" match between the Forces of Justice and the Techie Salesmen from Hell.
The fourth floor is empty, but we still have cameramen there.
The fifth floor contains the "heaven and hell lightning match" ring, with the metal catwalks and the barbed-wire ropes.
On the sixth floor, we've got the c4-plastic extreme death match between Tony Starks and Mr. Rage. For those audience members who are scared of this, we will be showing it on closed-circuit, on lobby level. Otherwise, the audience on 6 will be safely behind perspex.
Perspex?! What the hell's that?
Hockey glass, moron! I see you haven't changed a bit...
Both of you, please! On 7 we've got the barbed-wire-baseball-bat ladder match between Pedro Chang and Michael Wackson.
Floors 8 through 10 are empty, and for good reason, for on the roof, we've set up the strangest match ever seen: The lightning match! A steel floor, steel ropes, a steel ring, all hooked up to an electric generator! It's raining now, so perhaps we'll even see nature's fireworks in action!
Oh yes, let's not forget the mine match, which for obvious reasons, will not be in the building, but in the mine where Bohemoth was abandoned: in Charleston, WV. Let's hope his demons don't come back to haunt him!
Let's take you to the roof now, to show you how amazing the lightning cage really looks.
(Cut to the roof. Darkness is falling. Sugarplum Harry and two pixies have set up their clay statues in the middle of the ring, lying down.)
BY THE LIGHTNING, YOU WILL LIVE! Now, my underlings, the power! THE POWER!!!
(They turn on the power. The clay starts smoldering, and twitching around because of the current.)
THEY'RE ALIVE! THEY'RE ALIVE! THE PIXIES WILL REIGN ONCE MORE!!! Now quickly, take them away, and give them something to eat.
(They grab handfuls of the statues, and start placing them on the dollies, and then disappear down the stairs.)
What on earth was THAT all about? Well, we'd better play the national anthems and get this started, or the fans'll get rowdy!
(Travis Tritt and Tim McGraw sing the national anthems. We snagged them because they're accompanying DOOM.)
Starting from the second floor and the food-fight match, let's take you there now!
Colonel "Pops" Khorne is carrying his popcorn bags and unpopped kernels. Sir Gary Glutton has a side of beef! AND some Fat Matt gigantic beef jerky sticks for the Morbidly Obese! Hammond Egger has picked up assorted baked goods for the match. Of course, they can always restock in the cafeteria.
Gary starts whipping Hammond Egger with the jerky! Hammond Egger is getting annoyed, he reaches into his bag and pulls out a breadstick sharpened to a point!
He pokes Gary right in his humongous gut! Colonel "Pops" Khorne is getting his unpopped kernels ready, he's got them in a handkerchief, and swinging it around!
The ref warns Khorne that the hanky is not edible. Khorne reaches into Egger's bag and pulls out some filopastry! He wraps the kernels in the filopastry and nails Gary Glutton right in the back of the head! This is terrible!
Dis is STUPID, dat's what dis is. What is a filopastry, anyway?
It's a thin pastry layer, very flaky, used for strudel. My word, don't you know anything?
Gary Glutton slams Khorne withe the beef! And now a legdrop on the beef on Khorne! Khorne is DOWN! Here comes Hammond Egger with the rock-hard sponge cake! OUCH! Clips his leg with the cake, and now he's going to try giving Glutton a DDT on the cake!
NO! Glutton reverses it! Glutton with a piledriver on the cake! Glutton is the only one standing - he doesn't know whom to cover!
Covers Egger: 1...2...Khorne stops it - he just got up and kicked Glutton. Khorne swings the kernels and Glutton dives out of the way. Khorne with an attempt to pin Hammond Egger: 1...2...3! He got it! Khorne and Glutton one-on-one now.
Any chance we're going to see anything technical here?
No. Glutton going to the cafeteria to re-stock. Khorne takes a seat and chomps one of the jerky sticks down. Glutton returns - with 50 pounds of gelatin dessert powder and a cooler bottle of water! What's he planning to do?
Encase Col. Khorne in gelatin dessert, maybe?
Maybe. Glutton opening up the powder bag, Col. Khorne opening up the filopastry, and now he rolls the unpopped kernels under Glutton's feet!
Glutton slips - the bag falls on him! And the cooler bottle spills all over him! Khorne picks him up and goes for the "Jiffyneckpop" swinging neckbreaker! 1......2......3! Khorne wins!
Hey look, the gelatin is congealing!
What a great opener! Let's take you now to the third floor. The Forces of Justice take on Bait & Switch, the techie salesmen from Hell, in a "cubicle chaos" match.
Judge and Switch lock up. Judge applies an abdominal stretch to warm things up. After 15 seconds, he breaks the hold. Switch Irish-whips Judge into a potted plant! Judge comes back with a piece of broken pottery - he gives Switch a good slash in the arm - and remember folks, it's all legal!
Just don't use your best material up before our last matches.
Judge tags Preacher. Preacher picks up a keyboard: CRACK! Right across Switch's back, and buttons are all over the floor. Hey! That's Caretaker from the Sanitation Crew!
He's sweeping up, and telling them not to make a mess! What the hell?!
Preacher with a hurricanrana on Switch. Switch tags to Bait. Bait picks up a binder, opens and unlatches it. He's cramming those open metal rings onto Preacher's face! Judge is coming in now, he's got a monitor! Ooh, I can't watch...
I can; I'll tell you what happens! YEAH! Bait is wearing the monitor around his head like a hat! He's blinded! And bleeding! This would be the perfect time for a Deathwish...Switch comes in and removes the monitor. He's got a mouse by the cord, and he's swinging it like a mace! Ooh, Judge takes a mouse below the belt.
Preacher with a chair - right on Switch's face! Bait and Switch are both down - Judge and Preacher move in for the Deathwish: THEY LAND IT! The Boston Crab, the Camel Clutch, Bait's back is cracking! Bait taps out, and this match is done!
Here are your winners, THE FORCES OF JUSTICE!!!
It's time for the fifth-floor match, the heaven-and-hell lightning match. But before we do, let's take you to some pre-recorded comments.
(Scene opens with Thor and Tyr chuging back a couple of pints of beer, on the table between them sits about twelve empty glasses, they turn and see the camera and address it.)
Thor - Aaaaggghhhhh, there is nothing like a good pint of ale.
Tyr - Well except for kicking the living crap out of mere mortals.
Thor - I sit corrected, you are right Tyr, kicking the crap out of mortals is rather enjoying, and so is sleeping with the stupid mortal women that just can't get enough of the Gods. Why is that Tyr?
Tyr - I think these mortal women can't get enough of the gods because we do everything to perfection, whereas these ignorant stupid mortal males have a hard enough time getting there lazy asses off the couch and away from that thing they call a tv, to actually do anything, let alone do "it" to perfection. But we don't need to tell these dense losers that, cause they already know all about it. What we should really address is those good for nothing losers that get the chance to step in the ring with us and take all the pain and suffering that these ignorant mortals deserve.
Thor - Oh yes, who is it that we face again? Ah hell it doesn't matter, cause we are going to make them hurt, they will all suffer and that is a guarantee. The Gods have spoken so take heed and take warning, you will soon know what pain is all about.
(Thor pushes the camera man away, Both men pick up another pint of beer and chug it back.)
(STWF/CSTLL office. The silhouettes of Der Kommissaar, Mr. Rage and Generation X are visible.)
DK: Like I said, you can't form a stable with three guys!
JC: But we have a manager!
DK: Yeah, well I don't see him.
PC: Of course not! That's the point! He's Invisiblo, the invisible Mexican wrestler! Don't you remember?
DK: This is dirty pool! You're just saying you have him is because that's impossible to prove!
Rage: Trust me, he's here. Don't make us prove it by having him beat the living daylights out of you.
DK: Fine, fine. What's this stable called, then?
Rage: "Homeboys and Hardcore."
DK: Yeah, whatever. While you're here, anything else you wanna say? There is a camera rolling outside after all.
JC: Yes we would. We want to ask the Warrior Gods, the Thugs for life and that pitiful Vegas Connection to watch themselves, because "Homeboys and Hardcore" are on a destruction path!
PC: Yeah, and Circus Freaks, watch out because after we've taken care of business at Monster Bash, we're coming after those belts!
DK: You're done now?
Rage: Yes, I guess we are.
DK: Fine. NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!
(They walk out.)
Rage: Pleasant fellow.
Strong words from two of our four teams. They're all here now, and here's how the match works. Two teams start on top, two on bottom. You can move between levels freely. Last team standing wins - obviously.
Lester Leary and Playboy Cartel up top, Tyr and Eastside Playa on the mat. Leary and Cartel are just brawling up there, so let's take a look down below first. Tyr gives Eastside a powerslam.
Eastside gets up and gives Tyr a superkick. The brawl upstairs has broken: Lester gives Cartel a side suplex on the grating! Ouch! Tag to Larry Lowbrow. Lowbrow thinks Playboy's been softened up enough, because he's already setting up for the PUNCHLINE!
For those who don't remember this move, it's a simplified moonsault while holding an opponent in an elevated belly-to-belly position. It's meant to make the opponent land on his head.
Thank you. He's going to do a Punchline to the mat level! He's ready...he's over-rotating! He lands on his face, and Cartel on top of him. Cartel climbs the ladder.
Tyr gives Larry a legdrop for interrupting the match. Eastside gives him an elbowdrop. Cartel with a catwalk-level diving headbutt. Lands nicely. Eastside tags Westside. Cartel climbs the ladder to tag Jimmy Cain.
I wonder why nobody's pinning Larry Lowbrow? Westside with a spinebuster on Tyr. Larry climbs the ladder and tags Lester back. I don't think he wants to be back! Jimmy Cain climbs down to face Tyr. A series of clotheslines have no effect. Westside climbs up, locks up with Lester, Press slam coming your way. He's going to drop him all the way on the outside!
Lester Leary yelling as he falls. Jack Dealer pulls Rimshot out of the wheelchair as Lester goes crashing into the drumset! And here comes Eastside ALL the way down with a springboard plancha. Lester tastes the drums once again, and is bleeding like crazy. Eastside rolls him in and pins: 1...2...3! And three teams left.
I really expected more from tag team champs.
I think it says something about the quality of tag teams we recently obtained here in the STWF.
Tyr tags Thor. Thor with a chokeslam on Eastside Playa. He goes for a Texas Cloverleaf, but Southside Balla knocks him with the cell phone to break the hold. The ref is distracted now, so Generation X take the opportunity to spike-piledriver Thor! Eastside with an Asai Moonsault on Thor: 1...2...wait, the ref's not counting! Ah, there he is. 1...shoulder up.
The Thugs could'a had 'im! What a rip!
Jimmy Cain takes Eastside to the catwalks. He's not...yes, he is! PILEDRIVER FROM THE CATWALK! Oof...that's almost as bad as the Canadian Service Charge.
I think the CSC is much worse myself.
I didn't say this was worse, I said ALMOST! Sigh. Anyway. Thor takes this pin: 1...2...3! The Thugs have been eliminated, and Southside Balla is FURIOUS! HE slaps Eastside upside the head as they leave.
And then there were two. Jimmy Cain tags Playboy Cartel. Playbody goes down the catwalks, and applies a forearm shiver. Thor is really out of it, now. Cartel with a sleeper...rest hold, now's a good time to get a soda.
Hey, you read MY line of the teleprom...Oh bugger. Well, I guess I'll announce now.
The arm is lifted once...twice...stays up on three. Thor gives Cartel a DDT and both men are down. It's all a matter of who tags whom first...but Playboy has to climb the ladder! Thor getting up...Playboy same thing, Thor groggily crawls to the corner... Cartel just about there...THOR TAGS TYR! And Jimmy Cain is tagged as well.
Jimmy Cain goes for a frog splash from Catwalk level but Tyr catches him and WHIPS him against those barbed-wire ropes. A little late to be using those now, but hey, whatever works.
Okay, okay. Tyr with a series of chops against those ropes, digging the barbs further and further in! Tyr now rips Cain out, and look at that back! Massive damage! Tyr goes for the pin: 1...2...reversal! 1...2...reversed back! 1...2...Cain reverses it again!1...2...Tyr once more:1...2...Tyr puts his feet on the ropes to ensure victory - 3!
The Warrior Gods have won, albeit by a little cheating. The ref didn't see it, and Mr. Rage is telling the ref to check Tyr's boots. The ref refuses to argue the point further. If he didn't see it, he didn't!
Generation X must be feeling mighty frustrated right now...so close to victory, and then an ending like this. Let's take you know to the seventh floor, where Pedro Chang is ready to meet up with Michael Wackson in a nasty barbed-wire-baseball-bat ladder match. Whoever gets the bat can use it! This should be good. The c4-plastic match has not been finished yet, so we'll have to go the sixth floor later.
Yeah, good and quick.
Pedro with Bucho Mugralez and El Presidente at ringside. Michael Wackson, of whom we haven't heard too much recently, has his work cut out for him as he attempts to grab that belt. Similar styles here as well. Pedro Chang with a hurricanrana off the bat (pardon the pun). A series of elbowdrops by Chang. He picks up Wackson and gives him a reverse DDT! Wackson gets up and attempts an enzuigiri. He misses.
I don't remember Michael Wackson being so off his game!
Pedro Chang getting the ladder already! But first, he takes the ladder and drives the end DEEP into Wackson's chest! He's climbing the ladder...he grabs the bat! Already! I don't believe it! He's now taking the bat, and he brings it down hard on Wackson. But here comes Broadway Musical Man out of the elevator! He wrestles the bat away from Chang, the ref turns around and sees Broadway, and calls this match off!
Here is your winner, as a result of a disqualification, PEDRO CHANG!!!
Told you it would be good and quick.
That wasn't good. I've been informed that Distruct has some comments before his match, so let's take you to the Monstron!
Distruct: Listen up you fat STWF scum. I am the greatest wrestler of all time to step into these Cheap Mexican-made rings. I am hear to do one thing: take that title. I like Gold, Nothing else.
El Peeon: Yov Vlike Vold?
Distruct: This is my right hand man, El Peeon, the man with the worst Mexican accent in the free world. Now shut up you Mexican loser!
El Peeon: Vo, Vou Vant Ta Take Da STWF vy Vorrm?
Distruct: "Storm", you idiot! Now let's get rid of this smelling Mexican media!
(Distruct Grabs El Peeon and Throws Him About 1 meter)
Distruct: That's better faggot, El Spheros.... I am coming to kick your ass, you can't stop me, an' that's the truth!
(Distruct Goes off the Monstron by giving the crowd the finger)
Interesting comments. We'll see if his want for the belt has made him lose any focus for the task at hand: Beating Bohemoth in the Mine Match. I've been informed that both men are ready to enter the mine. Let's take you there now.
(Both men are outside the mine. ThatGuy is with Bohemoth and Dr. Death is with Distruct. They are told they cannot enter. ThatGuy waves and says, "Don't forget to write!". The ref goes first in a mining car. Bohemoth descends next, then Distruct follows in a separate mining car. The cameraman goes last and the camera shows the descent into the mine. As soon as it gets pitch black, the screen turns the green of night-vision. At last he reaches the ring, where the...)
How they got a ring down here beats me. Bohemoth with a bulldogging headlock. He then grinds Distruct's face into the ring, which is covered in coal dust. Distruct gives Bohemoth a powerbomb! The tides could be turning...
Well, I really think that Bohemoth has the advantage here. He's used to the carcinogenic coal dust, and it can't be good for Distruct either.
All-out brawl between the two competitors. Bohemoth goes outside and picks out some coal by hand. He then punches Distruct with the coal in hand. The ref warning Bohemoth about the closed fist.
Distruct attempts a vertical suplex...after two tries, he gets it. The air must be really bad in there!
Bohemoth with a belly-to-back and covers:1...2...kickout. Distruct with a kick to the midsection. And a reverse DDT. The cover on Bohemoth: 1...2...kickout. Distruct attempting a piledriver. No...he can't do it. Bohemoth reverses and gives Distruct a backdrop. Hey, wait, another miner is coming and he's holding a birdcage!
Oh dear, I KNOW what that means...
The miner's saying there's a gas leak! Bohemoth is freaking out!
Bohemoth: NO! IT'S HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN! NOT AGAIN!!!
Distruct: I'm getting outta here!
Bohemoth: Oh no you don't, you're not getting out of the mine match THAT easily.
The ref is threatening to call it a no-contest. Bohemoth gives him a belly-to-belly! The ref is out! Bohemoth to the top rope - Splash by Bohemoth! The ref is back, he seems to have forgotten, and he counts 1...2...3!
The night vision camera switches off, and the men are emerging from the mine. They're both covered in coal dust! ThatGuy pats Bohemoth on the back.
ThatGuy: You did the Asylum Alliance proud. But you didn't write! No fair.
Whatever. The match on six is ready to go, so let's take you there!
The following c4-plastic extreme death match is scheduled for one fall. Making his way towards the ring, accompanied by DeRanged, Generation X and Invisiblo, representing Homeboys and Hardcore, Mr. RAGE!
(Good pop, but it could be for DeRanged. Some people laugh at the mention of Invisiblo, and then clutch their noses in pain.)
And his opponent, accompanied by Mr. X, TONY STARKS!
(Another good pop. Some boos for the identified masked man.)
***bell rings. Captain Twilight, what do you think Starks' big surprise is?
Maybe he'll unmask himself?
And reveal he's Tony Starks? Big deal! Tony Starks with a Russian leg sweep. Mr. Rage comes back up and slaps on a figure-four. Starks goes over to the ropes and grabs one to break the hold. But it's barbed-wire! Tony Starks just might have cut his hand. Starks with a backbreaker on Rage. He's about to Irish-whip Rage into a c4, but it's reversed! BLAM! Starks takes a plastic right in the face!
Come on camera man, show me the gore!
You're sick. Besides, he's still masked. It may be a charred mask now, but it still covers.
Mr. Rage with a big powerbomb and covers:1...2...kickout. Mr. Rage covers again: 1...2...kickout. He tries again:1...2...Starks catapults Rage right into the opposite corner!
BLAM! Rage now takes a c4 in the face. I hope their medical insurance is covered. But the fans are loving it! Believe it or not, the STWF has some pretty hardcore fans!
Starks comes in with an avalanche, but Rage moves, and Starks takes another plastic explosive to the face! Part of his mask's been blown away.
Can we see who it is? I betcha it's someone we know!
It's Tony Starks, we already know! Tony Starks really carefully now takes Rage to the fourth corner, sets him up, and BLAM! "Starks Stunner" neckbreaker on Rage, right into the c4!
Both men are completely exhausted now...but the fans are still excited! DeRanged comes in and rolls Mr. Rage over...Mr. X takes him off and yells at DeRanged. Meanwhile, Jimmy Cain rolls Mr. Rage back...and the slow count begins!
1...........DeRanged rips off Mr. X's mask!
Who is it? WHO IS IT?!
DOMENIC OLIVER! Whick means......
2.............that Tony Starks is....oh, kicking out and revealing himself to be....yes it is, it's...
IRONMAN! Told you it was someone we knew. The audience is completely shocked! Starks goes outside and tries to give DeRanged a Starks St...well, I guess it's an Iron Cutter now. DeRanged just gives him a chokeslam and tosses him in the ring. Rage with a kneedrop, and another slow count begins.
1...........2..........3! Mr. Rage wins this match, and boy, what a match it was!
Who would have thought Tony Starks was IRONMAN all along?! I suppose this just means another DeRanged/IRONMAN feud, just like the other feds.
Not necessarily. DeRanged just gave Mr. Rage a superkick right through the perspex separating the fans from the ring!
Nope, never seen THAT before...!
Well, that's enough of that. We have only three matches left, two of those involving El Spheros. But first we'll take you to the roof, for the Tag Team Championship match.
Both teams are apparently in the elevators on the way to the roof. I wonder if there's any clay left in the ring after Sugarplum Harry was there with his statues.
And here they come! I think the Inevitables have a better chance here, considering the Harbinger is wearing those rubber-soled sneakers.
***bell rings. The electric generator is switched on, and this match is underway! Harbinger with Sasquatch in the ring. Harbinger strutting around, not getting electrocuted! He's laughing!
Sasquatch fixes that by licking Harbinger's back, then Irish-whipping him into the cable-ropes! Harbinger gets a shocking surprise, and that water from the saliva couldn't have helped! Harbinger dropkicks Sasquatch into the cage, and Sasquatch roars as he is thrown off it. Good luck for Sasquatch as he lands on the Harbinger. He goes for the pin. He forgot there's no ref in this match! He lets go of Harbinger, and the tag to M. Taxes is made. Sasquatch with a big backbreaker on Taxes, then tosses him into the cage! Taxes is getting sizzled! Sasquatch getting ready for the Saskatchewan Stomp, but Taxes rolls away, and out the door. Lightning just struck the cage! Sasquatch howls in pain and tags in the Dizzy one. Double-D climbs up the cage, clenching his teeth against the current, and CORKSCREW MOONSAULT on M. Taxes! Taxes is down! Harbinger picks him up, and does the only thing he can think of to get Taxes back into this.
Oh, come on, he's not going to...
Yup, he put him against the cage alright. Taxes looks fired up, and gives Dizzy the Canadian Service Charge! This could be over, if only the Inevitables can grab the belts and get to the lobby.
The belts have been placed right on the generator. Harbinger picks them up with ease - he still has those shock-absorbing sneakers. They get down the stairs to the tenth floor elevator, and Sasquatch runs after them!
We'll have new champs if they can get in the elevator. They did!
Our tenth floor cameraman is filming the elevator:10...9...8...someone's trying to get off at 8! Sasquatch's big chance! With a mighty roar he rips open the doors and jumps down the shaft! Let's take you to the eighth floor camera.
The Inevitables are yelling at some old lady to hurry, and then a big thud on the ceiling! The Inevitables take another elevator down...and Sasquatch is trying to get through his.
Let's take you to lobby level, where we'll be awaiting the Inevitables......(time passes), well, where are they?!
I've been told they're held up at four. Let's take you to that level now.
Well, I don't see them here. You don't suppose they're still in the elevator, do you?! Let's take you to 8.
Oh my! Sasquatch is holding the elevator cable up! Now he's pulling the elevator up! What immense strength! He has actually pulled the elevator up to his level!
The Inevitables are really scared now. Sasquatch grabs their belts and runs up the stairs back to the roof! Let's take you there now!
Dizzy Desi just awakening now. Sasquatch is in plain sight, as are the Inevitables now. Sasquatch picks up the Harbinger and is about to throw him off the roof for the win! But here comes M. Taxes! He dives at Sasquatch... Dizzy pushes Sasquatch out of the way and Taxes is flying off the roof! Sasquatch now throws Harbinger off! And the Circus Freaks retain their belts!
Double-D looks off the roof to see their bodies. He doesn't look happy...
Hey, who put the safety cushion there? They should be dead! Oh well, at least we got the belts.
We have no time to spare! It's now time for the match these fans have been waiting for! The Inter-fed Title Contest between El Spheros and DOOM!
It's not really inter-fed now, considering DOOM joined the STWF.
Must you ruin everything? Okay, here's the announcer, with a foolscap to announce this match. By golly, he'll need it.
The following STWF Heavyweight Championship match is scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring first, accompanied by...(deep breath)... Andrew "Muscle Man" Travis, Barry "Hairy" Johnson, Cube, Thai-One, "Lazer" Lamont and Eleven Crash of the SouthSliders, Stealth Bomber, Tower, Minnatour, Rytox, Zot, Scorpion, Mercenary, Dr. Snare, Messenger Boy, Sir O., Kandi, Travis Tritt, Tim McGraw, and the two masked men (what? They're not here? Oh.) Never mind the two masked men. from Jackson, Tennessee, weighing 275 lbs., DOOM!(deep breath)
("Bleak December" bu the Counting Crows plays. DOOM's accompaniments surround him, making this look like a bad UFC match. He enters the ring to a bunch of boos. One fan is shown with signs that say "4-H 4 Ever" and "Jim Rome 610:11-3". An STWF security guard is trying to take the signs away from him. The two masked men are shown up in the rafters.)
And his opponent, representing both Mexico Unlimited and the Foreign Equators of the NWF, accompanied by (deep breath) Pedro Chang, Pepe the Mexican Midget, José and Julio of Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos, Bucho Mugralez, Raoul Ramon Ramirez and Ricardo "Razor" Ramirez of the Ramirez Bros.. El Muchacho, Muhaha, El Phantasmo, Ballistic, Dark Humour, IRONMAN and El Presidente, from Mexico City, Mexico, weighing 289 lbs...
The New Rogue: Hold up, you forgot the Rogue's Gallery! I'm the New Rogue here, and we're all here to show support for El Spheros. Meet the new Gallery! Colonel "Pops" Khorne, Très Sheik, and the Aboriginals! And this is just the beginning! But we're here.
Don't forget us.
McMadden: NO! It's Trapezoid and the Square, El Spheros' old tag team partners! They've put aside their differences!
Very well, here comes EL SPHEROS!
(Khachaturian's "Sabre Dance" plays. Pepe the Mexican Midget runs out and places the ramp. All of El Spheros' accompaniments march to the ring carrying sabres. They then line the walkway in pairs and cross their sabres. At the very end, El Presidente holds Pepe on his shoulders so the sabre can be crossed. El Spheros barrels down the walkway between the sabres, rolls up the ramp, and into the ring. The crowd goes wild.)
El Presidente said he would match DOOM's guys one-for-one. But he counted the masked ones in the rafters, so El Spheros has two more men out here.
Who knows who those masked guys are?
Who cares? Let's get to the match!
El Spheros bounces off the ropes and plows into DOOM. Hmmm...DOOM doesn't really know what to expect here, despite his scouting from the NWF.
DOOM looking for someplace to grab, but can't find one because there is no such place on a sphere! DOOM tries a boot to the midsection. El Spheros rolls back. El Spheros does his patented "reverse Frankenspheros" behind-the-back hurricanrana. El Spheros tries an early cover: 1...2...kickout. DOOM's men laugh. El Spheros' men look annoyed at them.
DOOM goes for a Boston Crab. El Spheros is in agony! It looks like DOOM found out about El Spheros' slightly brittle bone structure. El Spheros rolls to the ropes and grabs them.
El Spheros with a series of nasty headbutts. DOOM's friends look visibly angry at that. El Spheros with a leg sweep and goes to the middle rope for a mini-spinner splash. The cover:1...2...shoulder up.
DOOM, sensing El Spheros' weakness, goes for a figure-four leglock. El Spheros is howling! DOOM's buddies are loving it! IRONMAN just can't take it anymore. He picks a guy at random - Barry Johnson on the receiving end of an Iron Cutter!
You're just leaving?
Let Jamal go, Cap. He's probably right, but those two masked guys aren't going to be happy. Outside the ring, a fantastic brawl is taking place! Bodies flying everywhere. It's hard to concentrate on the match. El Spheros gives DOOM an enzuigiri kick! DOOM replies with a powerbomb! Now a chokeslam! El Spheros from the top, stupendous dropkick on DOOM! The cover: 1....2....shoulder up. El Spheros bouncing on DOOM repeatedly- this is about to get nasty.
You mean as nasty as the steel-steps piledriver Messenger Boy just received from Muhaha? Or as nasty as the iron-barrier bulldog Tower just gave Aboriginal 2?
YES! El Spheros setting up for the Super Super Spheros Spinning Splash! DOOM rams himself against the ropes, and El Spheros is singing soprano!
It's not stopping El Spheros! He's still going to try it! He's up...about nine 360s there, DOOM brings his knees up, and El Spheros is hurt! DOOM goes for an anklelock - El Spheros is in serious, serious pain! Will he submit?
Not if any of Mexico Unlimited, the Foreign Equators or the Rogue's Gallery have anything to say about it...
El Spheros taps out! We have a NEW champion! And on his debut, too!
Here is your winner, and NEEEEEEW STWF Heavyweight champion, DOOOOOOOOOM!
DOOM's guys are cheering, and putting DOOM on their shoulders. Mexico Unlimited now trying to punk as many people as they can, as they leave.
Hey, the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl is only two months away. Can you imagine how terrible it could get if we had all these guys in addition to the STWF?
I don't even want to think about it! The fight's going all the way to the locker room, but we've still got one more match!
Somewhat anti-climactic now, don't you think? Ooh, here comes DeRanged now.
DeRanged: I came here to get the title, and I don't even get a shot now? DOOM! I want your ass in short order! I don't even need to fight this loser now that he's beltless!
And here comes the Right Hand Man, forcing him to fight El Spheros.
DeRanged with a Death Grip right off the bat! 1...2....3! I don't believe it!
I do, El Spheros was exhausted. I don't think he wanted to fight either. But that's how it goes in the STWF.
Indeed. Well, that's all the time we have this week. Join us for Monday Nae Trous next week, where hopefully we can tie up some of the loose ends on this card! Goodbye and thanks for ordering Monster Bash '97!
(c) Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre 1997