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(Pan Interior of a Slobberknocker Arena painted bright white. Bright white lights abound to enhance the effect. Angus "Vince" McMadden and Captain Twilight are wearing sunglasses.)
Ah! I can barely see here! Things feel so different. Well, I suppose this is the "something you've never seen before" that we're seeing. It's not really a gimmick, and it's certainly not a stipulation or angle development, as guys are coming in right after this to take down the lights and paint the arena a dingy black, just like always.
So Vince, tell me, why ARE all arenas so dark, anyway?
To prevent photography of course. Well, our first match is just about ready to get underway. Gruff will take on Sugarplum Harry. Sugarplum Harry, one of our originals, and formerly of Apocalypse, the all-but-dissolved stable, ever since the Keeper left.
That's true. They are only three now, and under STWF regulations they are no longer a stable. Pick up your Apocalypse T-shirts while you can, they're collectors' items now.
Looks like Announcer Lad is ready to start the show.
(squinting) Stupid light, I can't read these damn cards! Who the hell laminated them? There's too much glare! I can't work like this. I'm out of here.
Well, that's just great. I guess we'll have to rely on the entrance music to help us determine who's who.
There's "Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies", on the unmistakable tuba, and Sugarplum Harry enters with the golems. He hasn't shown up too much lately, and that's just sad. He can really get the crowd going, face OR heel. Right now he's playing the face, and the crowd is really appreciative.
And "Scooby Snacks" by the Fun Loving Criminals plays. Gruff is entering with Rimshot as always, Billy the goat, as always, and Nik at Nyte, interesting.
What's interesting? It's been established that Nik at Nyte are Entertainment Industry. It's quite obvious from their strangely-coloured Armani suits.
Strange? I wouldn't say eggplant and mustard are strange colours for suits. I have some just like...but I fear I've said too much.
***bell rings.
Gruff is blinking at the lights, but Harry seems unaffected. Could be because he really ISN'T human, and really pixie, as he says he is.
Oh please. That's pathetic. Besides, all of Harry's interviews are done at night, so you'd think he'd be MORE affected.
Possibly. Harry starts off with a reverse knife-edge chop. Not the best of openers, but it will do. Gruff doesn't even stagger. Sugarplum Harry with a flying shoulderblock, and Gruff takes a few steps back. Harry with a hiplock takeover. And now Gruff is feeling the Indian arm-burn to be exact.
Harry is certainly unorthodox. Who the hell does stupidity like this. I expected an arm-burn from someone like BILL, but not Sugarplum Harry. There's "Black" Jack Dealer coming to ringside, yelling at Harry. Something about ethnic stereotyping.
Hey, he doesn't like it, he shouldn't be in the Stereo Type Wrestling Federation. Here comes Dealer now, looks like we get a third announcer.
How's it going, eh?
We're just fine thanks. How's your title reign in the PMCW? I believe that's the fed you're in.
Lost it again. Hey, easy come, easy go. Money's good though. And that's all I'm in it for, anyway. Besides, not many people can say they're a former two-time champion.
I can think of at least a hundred.
Shut up, old man. Hey look, Gruff's gaining the upper hand. Harry went down hard with that sidewalk slam. The cover:1...2...and a slow count keeps Harry in the game.
That wasn't a slow count.
(pulling out a razorcard) The Queen of Clubs says it was a slow count.
Quite so! Slow count. Gruff with a massive dropkick. Sugarplum Harry goes for a low blow, but Gruff jumps and escapes some serious pain. Gruff with a DDT!
Oh, this one's over. You know, some guys around here use DDTs for finishers.
Yes, I'm aware of that.
You're one of them, aren't you Jack? The "21" is simply twenty-one turnbuckle smashes and a DDT.
At least it's not a stupid sailpunch.
Can we PLEASE call the match?! Harry with a lift attempting for a powerbomb, but fails. He tries again...fails. Third time a charm? NO! Gruff reverses and Harry through the air for a big backbody drop. The cover: 1...2...and he's GOT HIM!
No he hasn't.
No, I think he has.
Cap's right. Harry just had the shoulder up. Sorry, Jack. Harry slowly getting to his feet, kick to the midsection by Harry, followed by a reverse-nelson neckbreaker! What an original move!
Indeed; it's only used by four other wrestlers!
I beg your pardon?
Don't ask. It's better that way.
Harry now going for the dreaded Nutcracker! It's on! Those legs are bending in ways we've never seen before! Gruff looks done for!
Pardon me a moment. (aims a razorcard like a dart, then flicks it. It grazes Harry's ear. He releases the hold)
Yeah! Got 'im!

This is blatant cheating! How can you people live with yourselves?
Hey, join the Industry, you'll see.
Gruff catches the Pixie King off guard. The Billy Goat Moonsault finds its mark! The cover: 1...2...3! Harry doesn't seem to care, he just wants attention for his ear. The golems are trying to take care of business outside the ring. They're pummelling Billy. That can't be good. Nik at Nyte are grappling with the golems. Wow, for four feet tall those golems are really holding their own! Well, the action is clearing. We have to move on here.
Alrighty, we can do that. It's a well known fact that Superfly and Tyrone Mayhem have been ripping each other up left, right and center. This one was too good to pass up. So Superfly makes his debut appearance at Unscented. He's being tossed into the deep end from the start, so let's see if he can swim.
There's "My One Prison" by Creed. Superfly makes an entrance. The fans don't know what to think of him. Some cheers, some boos, some laughter at the syphilis comments in his bio. You don't believe that, do you?
Hey, I wouldn't put it past him. I'll tell you this much: if he ever feels a razorcard, it'll be from a nice, safe distance.
And there's "Regulate" by Warren G. Mayhem walks dutifully to the ring. The fans are really behind Mayhem in this match. He certainly has the experience factor.
Pedro Chang was scheduled to fight Mayhem, but due to his lack of participation, he's been suspended. Pretty harsh, I'd say. But a part of me agrees with it.
***bell rings.
Superfly comes in, waving his arms around like a maniac. Mayhem with a nice armdrag takedown. Superfly gets right back up. You're not going to keep him down that easily. Oh no. Superfly with a headbutt. Crunch!
We can do without your sound effects, thanks.
Are you still here? Hey, put that Three of Diamonds down! I'm worth a nine at least. Tyrone with a legscissors. He sets up a table, we're going to see some extremity right here!
Isn't that a gimmick?
No, I wouldn't say so. Hey, it's a pay-per-view, we can get a little more hardcore on these things. Superfly won't have any of the table though, as he throws it out of the ring to really loud boos!
See, that's a rookie mistake right there. You don't refuse a table like that.
Tyrone with a bodypress on Superfly. He's going to the top rope for a back! He misses. Superfly legdrops Mayhem while he's down. Superfly now with an elbowdrop. He bounces off the ropes, jumping over Tyrone a few times.
What's the point of that? You can only get so much momentum that way. You're switching directions once you hit the ropes, so if anything, you lose energy on each bounce after the first.
Superfly finds that out the hard way after tripping over Tyrone's prone body. A misplaced jump. Tyrone is up. A vertical suplex, applied nicely by Mayhem. Mayhem pulls up Superfly by the hair, and gets warned by the ref. Mayhem doesn't seem to care; the Smackdown is applied! wait, Mayhem pulls Superfly up!
Classic arrogance. You should just force the rookie to accept his role and move on.
Tyrone is pulling the table up again! Superfly and Mayhem are fighting over whether or not the table should remain in the ring. Mayhem wants it, Superfly doesn't.
Now I'm confused. With a name like Superfly you'd think he WANTS the table in.
Superfly snatches the table away, and hits Tyrone Mayhem with it! Come on, ref, get in there!
I have no idea why the ref is allowing this. This match should have ended in a DQ. Well, Mayhem's out cold. The ref with a quick count: 1...2...3!
A debut win for Superfly, but under suspicious circumstances indeed. Superfly slips the ref a 20...oh, so THAT explains it.
Oh, you announcers always think so linearly. The rules aren't black and white, they aren't paper, they're like a sculpture, meant to be molded and shaped to suit your own ends and leave you the winner. The Entertainment Industry knows all about it, and if you don't believe me, you can ask the Tiger how he felt when he jobbed to a horse.
Well, I'd say I can't argue with that logic, but...what logic? Okay, up next we've got Wrestler Smurf as he battles Anarchy.
Again, Anarchy was SUPPOSED to be fighting alongside Michael Wackson against the Inevitables. Unfortunately, the Inevitables are nowhere to be found.
I'm not going to complain. Smurf/Anarchy should be really good!
There's the "Smurf Dirge". Wrestler Smurf runs to the ring, and no one has any time to throw trash. Besides, the Rogue's Gallery only have one match tonight, so I guess they'll save it all for then.
Okay, here's the Batman theme. Anarchy waves to the fans and receives much adulation in return.
Adulation? Alright, who left the thesaurus lying around?
Hey! Don't call me that, just because I'm old.
Get a hearing aid, Captain.
I politely decline the offer, I don't drink alcohol.
While I try and figure out that entire exchange, let's just show you the match.
***bell rings.
Anarchy and the blue man lock up. Anarchy with a big hiptoss! He might not be the biggest man here, but he makes up for it tenfold with his ability. He defeated 59 other guys in the great Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl to become our first North American champion.
Yeah, when is that title changing hands, anyway? That Bohemoth is hoarding it. B.F. Sack's the only true defender, I say.
Are you nuts? Bohemoth always defends his belt. Well sure, Tortilla Tito doesn't do much, but is it Bohemoth's fault that he's good?!
Anarchy with a full nelson. Wrestler Smurf with a standing switch, and now a full nelson of his own!
I had no idea you could standing switch out of a full nelson.
You probably can't.
Anarchy's putting up a struggle. The blue man heaves Anarchy into the air and drops him with an effective, if sloppy, full-nelson slam.
You want to see sloppy, I got a glimpse of Gary Gourmando eating in the locker room? Enough to make you heave.
Quit badmouthing Gary, he has eerie ways of getting revenge. Anarchy seems to be gaining some control. He whips Wrestler Smurf to the buckle, he's coming in with a head of steam, Smurf stops him cold with a big boot. Anarchy with an inside cradle from out of nowhere!!!
That wasn't worthy of three exclamation points. One, maybe. Two's pushing it...
I'm speaking this, just because the script uses three exclamation points doesn't...but I fear I've said too much already. Wrestler Smurf back up. Anarchy pulls the slouchy white cap over Smurf's eyes! And a spinning heel kick lands right in the solar plexus.
See, there's cheating, and then there's getting the opponent mad. If you're going to pull a tactic like that, make sure you get a pin out of it, or at the very least do it if the guy's smaller than you, and not prone to fits of rage, like this...*shields his eyes*
Smurf has gone berserk! The cap is off, he's strangling Anarchy with it! The ref counts for chokeholds, 1...2...3...4...Smurf lets go. HUGE bodyslam. And now the finisher is applied!
(sings) La LAA la La la laaa...Laaa la laa Laa laaa...
Anarchy is tapping out harder than I've ever seen! Chalk up another one for the blue man, looks like his stint in the burn center has really sparked his mean streak!
I'll say. If he keeps this up, or at least if we hear more from him, we could see the next North American champion right here!
What a great idea...I'll pencil this memo in right here...triangle match for the North American championship. Bohemoth/Tiger/Smurf. On FFF. Yeah, sounds good.
That sounds like a good match to me too. Now you put Presto in there instead of Tiger, it'll be perfect. Everyone knows the "saw you in half" is way more effective than the Tiger rack will ever be.
Well, up next we have a tag team confrontation. Nik at Nyte, the rising young superstars of the Entertainment Industry, will face the Rogue's former strongmen, now seemingly kittens... the so-called Indestructibles.
I'm amazed. The Rogue helped these guys get the belts, now they're terrible, but why does the Rogue hang on to them?
Don't question the Rogue. He has eerie ways of getting revenge.
A perfect opportunity for the Industry to move up in the rankings. Pick on the overrated jobbers! Yeahhhh.
The Rogue's Gallery theme plays first. Très Sheik, Col. "Pops" Khorne and the Aboriginals, along with the team to fight, make their way to ringside. And now here's the Rogue, doing the airplane imitation and pointing at guys in Gallery T-shirts. Oh, here comes the trash now!
Those are good looking T-shirts. I have to admit quality when I see it. Shame the logo stands for the weakness that is the Gallery. When was the last time Col. Khorne or the Sheik wrestled, anyway?!
Who knows, but the Rogue will be making a grand appearance on the next Monday Nae Trous, in a cheap attempt to boost the ratings.
And there's the rap remix of "You're Going to Make it After All". Rimshot wheels down, then there's Presto Cadabra with Janice, and finally Nik at Nyte in those gaudy-coloured Armani suits.
Didn't you say earlier that you had suits in those colours?
I forgot that Nik at Nyte were heels, and I'm not supposed to side with them.
***bell rings.
Hold up, the Rogue's guys are even bigger heels, you're obligated to side with us! Hey, where's Mr. Fred? He should be out here. Oh wait, that's right, we had to stable him because the bright light spooked him something fierce, eh?
How odd that you'd talk about a manager's weakness like that.
It's not a weakness, Captain. So just shut up, or this Four of Spades is going to create another wrinkle in you, eh?
While "Black" Jack Dealer is re-discovering his Canadian roots, I'd like to tell everyone that Darren #3 is starting off with "Crushing" Chris Powell. D3 calls for the test-o'-strength. Everyone's telling Powell to go for it! Obviously they like the notion of Chris falling into a trap. Well, Powell's not going to go against the audience. He puts the hands up...Darren #3 kicks him in the midsection for it, again and again! The crowd is cheering, the Rogue is furious! D3 with a powerbomb right off!
Rimshot's taught these boys a lot since they were struggling actors. Did you know Rodney Ricardo is filming a made-for-cable movie? It's called "the Cheap Excuse". I can't divulge the plot at this juncture, but just let it be known that it'll be showing about six times before everyone gets sick of it. And if we hype it enough, maybe it'll get a few ratings points.
The Not that quick. Darren with a sleeper. The arm is raised's up! Chris Powell is still kicking.
Well, not literally, otherwise he'd be in control of this match right now.
D3 going for a piledriver! Chris Powell manages to turn over, and now Darren's ready for one! No wait, Darren flips over, and we're back to original positions, if shifted slightly.
That shift made all the difference. Powell can now tag Duane Diamond D. He does, and D uses the ropes to jump in the ring and deliver a dropkick right to Darren's head. Powell is glad to be out of there.
I'm not surprised that we're sending 'em running, eh?
Triple-D with a flurry of punches, none really landing, but D3 is staggering nonetheless. Duane with a DDT, and now has Darren #3 in a body scissors.
Oh, come on! How can the Indestructibles actually be in control now? They're worthless morons from Lubbock, Texas, and always will be.
That's your opinion, Jack, but what we're seeing here doesn't lie. That look on Darren's face is pain.
No! That's...uh...anger, yeah, that's the ticket. He's just getting fired up, like Wrestler Smurf did.
And the way he said "Oh God, end it now!"? Was that anger too?
You've been warned, Twilight.
That's CAPTAIN Twilight to you.
Sigh. Darren #3 is slowly kicking his legs, trying to get out. He's inching toward the rope...he's almost there....yes! He's got it! Duane has to break the hold. D3 is making the tag to Rodney Ricardo. Duane tags Chris Powell back. They double-team Rodney, and they had better, because that's the only way they're going to get an advantage here.
Now you're getting it. Mold the rules.
Maybe you can talk to Sugarplum Harry, you can mold his golems, you seem to be into pottery.
I am, actually. Not much to do on the reservations.
Rodney taking a severe beatdown. The ref is maintaining control now. Diamond is leaving the ring. Rodney with a headbutt, and Powell crumbles. To the top rope...a big elbowdrop! And now...the Babalu bounce?! YES! Oh wait, Powell landed badly on that neck for the first bounce. I don't think Rodney needs to continue for the pogo-stick piledriver. He covers: 1...2...3! This one's DONE!
The Rogue is screaming at the Indestructibles! I think they've angered him once too often, but we'll see for sure on Monday.
The Tiger vs. Death. It's up next!
The Chorus of Death starts up first. I'm starting to think that he's got his own chorus, and it's not something we're supposed to know about. Anyway, here comes Death, looking blissful, as always.
Here's a guy I don't want to get angry. He's prone to these fits, right? He gets drunk and then goes killing people, but it's all legit, because that's his job? Do I have that right? It doesn't make too much sense to me.
It's wrestling. It doesn't HAVE to make sense...
He's put you away, "Black" Jack.
"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor blasts away, getting the crowd jacked! He rips off his leather jacket and storms the ring.
***bell rings.
I still think this would be better if Announcer Lad were here. He's never angered anyone before, but what he did to us tonight...well, whatever. Death charges the Tiger! Tiger didn't hear the bell, I think. He goes down hard. Tiger gets up, rubbing his head.
Hah! Well, this is the guy that Mr. Fred beat, right? Figures. I'm surprised he can even show his face here.
Mr. Fred is a great competitor. And don't pull this "non-human" garbage on me, because we still have Sasquatch, Sugarplum Harry, Wrestler Smurf, and Lester Leary, who I believe is some kind of lizard.
Just because he calls himself a lounge lizard doesn't mean he's reptilian, eh?
Tiger and Death exchanging rights and lefts. It's really hard to tell who's getting the upper hand!
(five minutes pass)
Okay, this is a little excessive now. First off, those were all closed fists. Second, five minutes of exchanging blows is not good entertainment. Death seems less winded, probably because he's heavier, but there's also that "I'm too blissed out to feel much pain" factor. Tiger bounces off the ropes, and flying forearm! Death flies backward, and -oh no!- he's just managed to tie himself up in the ropes!
That's never good. But look at the expression on Death's face. He's really happy! He must have something up his sleeve. Either that or he's so out of it, he has no idea he's getting the beats right now.
Tiger hammering away at Death. He's receiving a buttkicking with a capital T.
Are you sure Death's aura isn't affecting you? This happened to Gary last time, if you remember.
I don't remember too much about last Monday, to tell the truth.
(shakes off) Okay, I'm back. Tiger still hammering away. Death gets untied from the ropes. Death with a few chops. And now a gutwrench suplex! And a fallaway slam!
Where does he get this energy?!
Death is getting ready for the Death Penalty. He's taking Tiger to the top rope. But wait, who's coming from the locker room? It's Carnage and the Stalker!
Hey, you said "no angle developments".
Actually, this angle's pretty developed as it is. Besides, we also said "no surprises", and having a PPV where nobody interfered would be pretty surprising indeed. The Stalker diverts the ref, while Carnage pushes Death off the top rope and rolls Tiger onto him. The ref turns around as if nothing happened. The cover:! Tiger tries again:! Death rolls over: 1...2...kickout! Tiger rolls back:! Death back over: not even a one-count.
AAAAHHHH! How much longer is this stupidity going to continue, eh?!
Tiger makes another attempt, and Carnage is holding his legs on the rope: 1...2...3! Finally, it's over. Both Tiger and Death have some choice words. Death for costing him the match, and Tiger because he knows he could have done it on his own! Carnage and the Stalker ignore both men and walk off, thinking their work is done.
I have no idea where this is leading. Honestly, it's really getting strange right here.
Strange is what the STWF does best! Alright, it's Tortilla Tito vs. the Pencil-Necked Geek for the ICCTINACBBIC belt coming your way.
I know what you're all thinking, how did the PNG get the shot? It's quite simple. He punked the champion, so naturally, the champ'll say, "Let's settle this in the ring. I'll make it interesting and put up my belt." And that's exactly what happened. This geek is one smart cookie.
Oh, stop kissing up to the Geek.
Why would he need to do that? Anyway, while you two were arguing, here's Tito with Salsa and El Presidente. And the Geek with the Techie Salesmen from Hell, and that nerdy girl. She's officially been picked up as the Geek's valet. I've been informed her name is Edwina. Hey, don't ask me folks, I just announce this stuff.
So you're trying to say, Apocalypse is gone, but we have the Tri-Lambda group to deal with as a stable now? They ARE four members now.
A small stable, but yes, a stable nonetheless. Who knows, perhaps somebody will join them if they're allowed in. The Geek with an eyerake to Tito behind that mask. I can't tell if it worked. Tito can't do an eyerake because of the Geek's spectacles. Tito with a high crossbody though.
Tortilla Tito is fast! I didn't even see him climb the buckle there.
Neither did I. Tito with a blur of moves, I can't see what's going on! Was that a hit?
No, but this is. *smacks him*
Well, that's just great. Now we're down our main announcer, now what?
Simple, I take over, just like the Industry would. I wish I did it earlier though.
Geek-boy with a legsweep. Now an armbar. Tito not submitting, eh? Okay. Geek with one of those strange horizontal suplexes that Razor Ramon useta do, what are they called?

Oh shut up. If you can't call properly you shouldn't be here.
I can do to you what I did to Vince here, you want that?
I'll be good.
Alright then. Tito is taking a pummelling bigtime, eh? Yeah. There's El Presidente on the apron, but Bait picks him up and delivers the Hard Sell onto the ringsteps. That's gotta hurt. Edwina now takes the opportunity to give Salsa one of those shaking bearhugs again, eh? Okay. Tito has had enough. He's going to the ropes, and he's yelling at the Techies. Like that's going to help. Okay, what we got here now is a sunset flip by the Geek, and a trunk-pull, and a 1-2-3.
Yup, I was right, eh? I can call these in my sleep. Geek's your new champion, and I think he won't be too difficult to dispose of, if you catch my drift.
Can I just interject for a moment?
No. Go away. Last match of the evening, it's for the title, eh? We've already seen one belt change, let's see if Ironman can do it too. Both guys are in the ring, eh? Well hey, sorry for my babble, but the last thing we care about are ring entrances. Hey look, there's Domenic Oliver. I thought he was dead.
We thought Jackie Coogan was dead, but he showed up with the Ratings Flock.
Yeah, and where did that angle go? Nowhere! Nik at Nyte joined the Industry, smartest move of their lives, and Rimshot does what he said: dispels 'em with a snap of a finger.

***bell rings.
Okay, match is underway. Yeah. Sack smacks Ironman. Big deal. Ironman tries a martial arts kick and lands it well. Sack with a hurricanrana, man, a big guy like that, that's pretty original. Oh wait, Shamrock does that, right?
Yes, he does.
I was talking to myself, you just sit there like a good little boy.

What? Hey, we're already at the next match?! Where did the time go? Tito is faster than I ever imagined. Oh, I remember now. You smacked me, Dealer. Give me those razorcards. You're not getting them back until you show some respect, young man. Ironman with a mule kick. Sack with a swinging neckbreaker. Back and forth, and so on, and so on. My, these matches get tedious, don't they?
Speak for yourself.
This sucks. No razorcards. Well, you keep that deck, Vince, have fun with 'em. I've got about six dozen more where that came from. I'm leaving, you evil, evil man.
I'M evil? You're the one who tosses these stupid things around like this! (he tosses a card. It slices B.F. Sack in the leg.)
Oh, boy, NOW you're in for it! He's coming this way! He's picking you up and setting you at the ringfloor! Now he gives you a football tackle!
Yes *choke* that's very observant of you *wheeze*.
Now he's setting you up in vertical suplex position, and down into a bodyslam! It's the SackHammer (TM)!
*cough* Thanks for pointing that out *gasp*.
Now he's beating the daylights out of you! What power, what strength! What utter brutality! Now he's powerbombing you through the Spanish table! And now the crowd is getting worked up!
HE'S HARDCORE!!! *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap* HE'S HARDCORE!!!
Security is trying to quiet the crowd with their nerve gas, the last thing we need are stupid Philadelphia chants.
***bell rings.
Uh-oh, is this what I think it is?
Hi folks, I'm still here. I might as well announce the last bit. Here is your winner, as the result of a count-out...IRONMAN!
Ironman is grabbing the belt and kissing it. The ref is taking it away.
We'd like to remind everyone that titles DO NOT CHANGE HANDS in the event of a count-out.
Ironman smacks his head as if to say, "how stupid of me". Well, folks, Vince McMadden took a serious beating right here, so I guess I'm your closer. Thanks for ordering Unscented. On Friday Friday Friday, the North American belt in a triangle match: Tiger, Bohemoth and Smurf. No count-outs, no DQs. You'll also see Carnage vs. Death! In addition, Not Prisoner X will fight Gruff. And so much more! On behalf of Angus "Vince" McMadden, and "Black" Jack Dealer, I'm Captain Twilight, saying Goodnight.
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre