HEART-BREAKING HELL '99
(Pan interior of the Large Dome. A partially sold
out crowd. You couldn't even call it "capacity". Some extra EMTs are
standing by, as are a bunch of midget janitors to clean up the blood in
(contents may have settled during shipping)
WELCOME everyone to Heart-Breaking Hell '99! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden,
along with Hubcap Gang commentator Jamal Tupac Mustafa, and Old Boys'
Networker Captain Twilight.
Pleasure to be here on this momentous
Yeah, what he said.
Right! Well, this show will be action packed! It will be the BEST
PAY-PER-VIEW EVER! And not to mention, you're going to see juicing that
goes right up into the double digits, because the only way to win is to
make your opponent, or OPPONENTS, bleed. Sound gruesome? You bet it is! So
let's get right into the action!
This contest is set for one bleed. Making his way to
the ring first, from New York City and weighing 350 lbs., here is Tony
"the Mobster" Bascere!
("Speak Softly, Love" plays. The only crowd reaction is the murmurs of
anticipation that this guy's gonna bleed, and bleed a LOT.)
And his opponent, representing the Hubcap Gang (cheers) and from
Moosebutt, British Columbia, here is CLAUDE "LIGHTNING FINGERS"
(He enters playing "O Canada" on the accordion. As he reaches the final
three notes, you can hear airhorns go off in spots all over the arena.
When he finishes, the place erupts with cheers.)
Lots of Canadians in the crowd, I guess.
Wouldn't matter. He's a Hubcapper, dey gotta love
Claude extends the hand of friendship. Mobster tries a right hook. Claude
blocks it and there's a hammerlock by Claude. Standing switch by the
Mobster and he puts up a belly-to-back suplex right afterward. Both men
are up. Claude with a fireman's carry takeover, now that's power!
Claude is certainly a favourite to win this one, if
the Vegas odds are any indication.
You know that Rimshot can make any odds he likes with his connections to
the bookmakers in Vegas. Claude with a Samoan drop. He's stomping away on
Tony Bascere. Can he open up an artery in the face? Not yet, Tony's up and
he rakes the eyes. He lifts up Claude for a piledriver. Too much momentum,
Claude flips right over and reverses it. Leroux with a piledriver of his
own! The crowd goes wild.
Come on baby, finish 'im off.
I'm as eager to see this one end as you are. Wait! Tony just went outside
and he's got some brass knuckles! He just might cheat his way to
Lightning Fingers has a foreign object of his
It's the pepper spray! Pepper spray in Tony's face! Tony is totally
blinded, and the crowd loves it. Claude Leroux with a big elbow on Tony's
nose, and there it goes!
Here is your winner, Claude "Lightning Fingers"
Leroux! (Crowd goes nuts)
And there goes Tony, carrying his nose in a facial tissue.
Da Hubcappers win agin! I cain't wait ta see how
Sack `n' Luke Warm stack up.
Luke Warm isn't wrestling, unless you know something
Since when do I know sumpin' you
He makes a good point, Cap. Next up, we'll see a six-man tag: Dr. Snare,
Sillaconne M. Plants and Necro Phil of Club Med will take on the Violent
Pacifist, Sir Hungalot and Jean Bannister of...well, they're not exactly a
stable, but I believe they're calling themselves the "Three Guys".
This six-man tag team contest is set for one bleed.
Making their way first, the entirety of the Three Guys, the Violent
Pacifist, Sir Hungalot, and Jean Bannister!
("Rock `n' Roll Part 2" by Gary Glitter plays as the three come down to a
And their opponents, representing Club Med and accompanied by El Chief of
Staff and Kandi Stryper, here are Dr. Snare, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and
("Paranoid" by Black Sabbath plays for some strange reason. The three
wrestlers come out, along with Kandi Stryper and El Presidente/El Chief of
Staff, who is still looking like somebody shoved Fidel Castro into a lab
Well, it's Dr. Plants vs. Jean Bannister to start matters in this match.
Bannister with a side headlock and he's using some closed fists, which ARE
legal during Heart-Breaking Hell so we can speed things up here. Plants
gets out and there's a clothesline. He bounces off the ropes, and baseball
slides the top of that hockey hair. Legdrop, legdrop, legdrop.
Was that three legdrops, or one with emphasis? I
wasn't paying attention.
It was three. And please, put away that cryptic crossword, it makes me
Hey Cap, 14-down is "ENTRAPMENT".
Groan. In any event, Jean Bannister has tagged in the knight in latex
armour. Dr. Plants and Sir Hungalot lock up right away. Big Sir with some
kneelifts, and there's a vertical suplex. He makes the cover: but the ref
doesn't count because he has to make Sillaconne bleed. Hungalot with a
fistdrop that misses completely. Necro Phil has been tagged in.
This clue doesn't make any sense.
It's workin' off an anagram.
Of course! "PENGUIN".
Can I see that? (swipes paper) and now, Mr. Cryptic Crossword, meet Mr.
Cigarette Lighter! (burns paper and tosses it over his shoulder. A scream
is heard and a puff of carbon dioxide smoke appears on the extreme left of
the screen) Necro Phil with an elbow. Sir Hungalot tries a crossbody, but
Phil moves out of the way, and Sir Hungalot lands on the top rope. He's
Aw, "SOPRANO"! That was the answer to 7-across we
couldn't get, remember?
We was fools not ta see it.
Necro Phil bouncing the ropes up and down to cause more pain, but I don't
see this advancing the match at all. He clotheslines Big Sir over the top
and outside the ring. Dr. Snare is now your legal man...
And we're going to be treated to some
Yes, anything goes outside the ring, and blood always flows much more
quickly. Dr. Snare slamming Sir Hungalot's head on the aluminum barriers.
Look at that aluminum deform! But alas, Sir Hungalot is not bleeding.
They're headed up the ramp...Snare is going to give Sir Hungalot a
powerbomb! YES! NO! Hungalot is still clean and pink.
Wass THAT sposeta mean?
Er...nothing? Both men back in the ring. Sir Hungalot makes a mad dash.
The Violent Pacifist has been tagged in! This crowd just got a bit
perkier. Neckbreaker! Flying kneedrop! Pump-handle slam! The Violent
Pacifist could draw blood any second now! Snare trying desperately to
fight back. Dr. Plants looks fresh and ready for another tag.
But here comes Luke Warm! The crowd is going
berserk! They love this man, and will buy his T-shirt no matter how stupid
the slogan is!
Are you implyin' this new "Luke Warm: Pretty Darn
Snazzy" T-shirt I'm wearin' has a stupid slogan?
I implied no such thing.
Luke Warm goes to the apron and straight for Sir Hungalot!
He goes to Jean Bannister! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER!
The Violent Pacifist turns to see what's going on. Dr. Snare pulls out a
scalpel and drags it across the nape of the VP's neck, and I think that
will do it for this match!
Here are your winners, Dr. Snare, Dr. Sillaconne M.
Plants and Necro Phil!
Luke Warm is pointing at the VP and looking for crowd approval.
And of course he'll get it. They'll cheer him no
matter who he gives a Stonecutter.
Luke Warm: Sorry, VP, but the crowd wants it.
VP: You're forgiven.
Luke Warm goes to the VP. STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER!
(really loud cheers)
He's giving the double-thumbs up sign...and pulls out a broken bottle of
Luke-Hoo! He's attacking Sir Hungalot and Jean Bannister with it, to the
delight of the audience! And now he's yelling in their faces, what's that
ARGH! That was 51-down! And I can't pick
up another copy of that paper right now.
Good. try to make ME feel stupid, will you? Okay, we're going to get
something really good now. It's a tag team confrontation between the
Circus Freaks and Chemical Warfare.
This tag team contest is set for one
Sarcastic fratboy in front row: GET ON WITH IT!
Fine. Here they come, the Circus Freaks and Chemical
Vic on Voiceover: That's real good, now what do I play? Oh,
hell, like it matters.
("Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo plays, annoying the hell out of anyone under 20.
Or over 30. And the good majority of the twentysomethings. Both teams
enter to grumblings and mutterings from the audience. They are quickly
quieted as the fighting begins down the ramp.)
This one has begun and they haven't even hit the ring yet!
Sasquatch and Agent Orange are fighting each other, while Dizzy-D is
mixing it up with Napalm. Sasquatch gives Agent Orange a smack into the
You've really got to wonder just how well Agent
Orange can see with the burlap sack over his head. Even if he can see
through it, he's giving up a lot of peripheral vision.
Yeah, whatever, Tenay. Napalm Irish-whips Dizzy into the ringsteps and
enters the ring. Sasquatch gorilla presses Agent Orange into the ring from
the floor! And rolls in himself. Double-D is being counted out:
4....5....then the ref remembers it's set for a bleed and stops. Dizzy
gets on the apron eventually. Sasquatch gives Napalm a sidewalk slam. And
now just a side slam. Napalm counters with a double-leg takedown. He pulls
out the blowtorch...
Bad idea brewin'...
Napalm is trying to burn Sasquatch into bleeding! But first he has to get
through that hair and...
Open the dome! Mortal men were not meant to smell
this ungodly stench! In all my 82 years, NEVER have I smelled anything
this bad short of Gary Gourmando's lunches.
The burning hair is permeating the arena. The only one who seems
unaffected is Agent Orange, and sensing this, Napalm tags him in. Agent
Orange with a backbreaker on the mighty Sasquatch. Sasquatch still in pain
from the burning hair incident.
Sasquatch: RRRRRRROOOOOAR gurgle gurgle RRRRROOOOEEEAARR mewl OOOOH
Truer words were never spoken. Dizzy Desi is tagged in. Spinning toehold
by Dizzy. Spinning powerbomb! Spinning DDT! He's going to the top rope for
his patented corkscrew moonsault, which by the way, he did before Hector
Garza could even think that far.
The only Hector I know is "Crude" Oil.
Whatever. Charlie sees his boys are in trouble. Napalm comes in for a
double team. Sasquatch tries, but the ref cuts him off. Napalm holds Dizzy
and Charlie unleashes his giant leech Hue. But wait, Dizzy ducked, and the
leech just clamped onto Napalm! And that kitten-sized thing is swelling
Do we haveta put up a TV-14 for ya, V?
Like a balloon! Whew.
This program is rated TV-14 anyway.
Napalm is going pale. Dizzy rips off the leech and look at all that blood.
He even squeezes the leech more to prove it to the ref.
Aw man, thass disgustin'!
Agent Orange is visibly upset at Charlie. He's beating the hell out of his
manager! Napalm has grabbed the Singapore cane and Charlie is being turned
on by his own tag team! Oh, this is terrible.
Here are your winners, THE CIRCUS FREAKS!
Chemical Warfare is leaving through the stands, and I don't think we'll be
seeing them again anytime soon. Captain Twilight, thoughts on this
Any match involving somebody getting sucked dry by a
leech deserves to be on the highlight reel.
I'm with ya there, Cap.
Captain, any truth to the rumour you'll be donning the skates for Grampa's
Old Boys at In Your Face: IceJam?
I refuse to plug the next PPV at the current
one. I always wait until all the matches are done.
Fair enough. Let's get to the next match. It's douja vs. Colonel "Pops"
Khorne for the ICCTINACBBIC belt!
This contest is for the Intercontinental
Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close" belt and is
set for one bleed. Entering first, the challenger, representing the
Rogue's Gallery (boos) and from St. Louis, Missouri, COLONEL "POPS"
Voiceover: I'll give you a crack, and leave you with jack!
(An acid rock "Pop Goes the Weasel", instrumental
version, plays. Khorne comes out with "Crude" Oil and the Rogue. And here
comes the trash!)
His opponent, the champion, from Parts Forgotten and weighing 245 lbs.,
("Roll it Up, Light it Up, Smoke it Up" by Cypress Hill plays. douja comes
out with the belt around his neck, which he may or may not think is his
waist. Loud pop for this guy.)
douja has really grown into the role of champion.
And without a doubt he will go down as one of the greatest ICCTINACBBIC
champs we've had. Until of course, one of the Chosen Ones takes
it from him.
He will? Can we fix it before it's too
late? ... Chosen Ones?! You've gotta be kidding.
This should be a good contest. Khorne starts off with an armbar. This
isn't going to get any blood shooting out, but it's a good start
nonetheless. douja breaks the hold. Some chops by douja. douja whips Col.
Khorne to the buckle. Shoulderblock hits the mark. Khorne slumps in the
corner, and douja flips him upside down to apply a bunch of kicks.
douja showing unbelievable focus tonight.
Khorne is out of the way. He picks up douja with both hands and there's a
backbreaker! He now battering-rams douja into the ringpost. The ref is
checking for blood...but finds none.
You go, douja. You da man! Until a Hubcapper
takes yo' gold. Hey, wait, we ain't got no ICCTINACCBIC
No tag teams either.
Something to work on, Jamal.
Suddenly I miss Nik at Nyte.
Khorne with a superplex! He's stomping on douja now, and the ref is
checking for some burst blood vessels...but still, none can be found.
douja rolls himself outside. Khorne follows.
Not a wise place for douja to be.
Hector "Crude" Oil picks up douja and deposits him over the guardrail.
Khorne with a huge splash now! douja crumples to the floor clutching his
stomach. But still, no blood. The Rogue has some "spiky knuckles" and he's
slipping them on his fingers. Khorne is holding douja in place.
Folks, if you don't know what happens next you
really should pay attention ta dis part.
The Rogue kisses the back of his hand and tries to punch douja in the
face. NO! douja ducks, Khorne takes the hit and he's bleeding
This was the same bit as the leech last
No it wasn't. That involved a leech. My question, however, is that if
douja couldn't escape Khorne's hold at first, how could he escape it when
Whateva. Both men back in da ring, and da ref
sees Khorne is bleedin'.
Here is your winner, and STILLLLLLL ICCTINACBBIC
This isn't over! Here come Grampa's Old Boys! There's Irving, and Jeffrey
Steingold, and Arnold, and Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Will you excuse me? I'm needed.
They throw CPK out of the ring. Now they're focussing their assault on
douja. Chairs, and worn-out leather belts, and their hats, and whatever
else they can find in their pockets.
Those pieces o' hard candy can be
Captain Twilight has a stencil! He's placing it on douja's chest. Grampa
has a can of spray paint, and he's carefully painting on the stencil. They
remove it, and it neat red letters, we see "
"OBN & GOB 4 What's Left of Your Life" on his chest.
I can see why they needed a stencil.
After this, Irving Goldstein gets on the mic.
Irving: OY! You see kiddies? When you make the commitment to go OBN, you
make the commitment to go OBN FOR WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR LIFE! And, do you see
now what happens to those boychiks who have no respect? What do we make them
Grampa: Learn their manners Irving!
Irving: Oy gevalt! You betchya'! And, so, douja, little guy, I hope you've
learned your lesson, because if you haven't, you are in for a WORLD of
Yiddish pain much more than you experienced tonight meshoogana! And THAT'S
the bottom line, because Irving said so! OY OY OY! So remember kiddies to
stay booty booty and howdy doody, shmatah, shleper, sexy yenta, GOB...
All: FOR WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR LIFE!
(they all laugh and kick douja around a little more. Eventually Grampa
gets on the mic)
Grampa: Now, you son, you have no manners, and you really need to be
taught some manners, and there is only one way you can be taught
manners, and that's if Mittens teaches you!
("Twinkle, twinkle little star" plays and out comes Mittens. He gets in
the ring and lifts douja above his head for a huge powerbomb.)
Could this be any more blatant, V?
Don't say that because it very well could.
Grampa: You will need to learn, you all will need to learn, if you mess
with OBN you mess with Grampa's Old Boys. Mind your Manners!
(Spontaneous Human Combustion both lift their arms and hold them for a
moment. They bring them down with some force, and with a loud bang the tag
team catches on fire. Some ring crew technicians put them out. "We
are the Old" starts playing over the PA system with the letters "G-O-B"
and "O-B-N" as well as the words "For what's left of your life!" and "Mind
your manners!" dubbed over now and then)
Yeah! What a feeling. I feel so alive, which is
unusual for me because I'm usually borderline comatose.
We'll take your word for it, Cap. But here's another good match coming
down. The Rogue is staying out here as his man, Sergeant Genocide, takes
on premier Hubcapper B.F. Sack.
This contest is yadda yadda yadda, Sergeant
("Extermination Blues" by Robin Trower. Genocide runs out underneath a
parasol to avoid the trash he's come to expect.)
Wimp. Can't even take his trash like a
And his opponent, the man who needs absolutely no introduction,
representing the Hubcap Gang (cheers), from Panama City, Florida, here is
(the crowd goes absolutely insane; so much so that the theme music can't
even be heard.)
This could be one of the best feuds we've ever had. The biggest fan
favourite in this fed against the biggest man from the most heelish stable
anywhere. They're not even "cool heels". Genocide starts the festivities
with a well-placed kick right in the breadbasket. And a double-underhook
suplex means Sack is in trouble?
Come on Sack, rally, rally!
We're not even a minute in, this stuff is
meaningless to the big picture.
I don't know, a 90-minute time limit draw is based quite a bit on the
first few minutes, isn't it? Sack on the receiving end of a reverse DDT.
Genocide scraping Sack's face with his bootlaces...or at least he's
trying. Sack just undid Genocide's boots and threw them into the
crowd! They love it!
Look at those fans scatter!
The barefooted Genocide unreleting however, he's using some deadly-sharp
toenails to do damage!
Sack's plan backfired miserably!
Sarge's stank feet look like he ain't cut his
nails in years.
Sack making a comeback. He's putting the boots to Genocide's knees. And
there's a jawbreaker from the former champion! Sack picks up Genocide in
the air, and does some complicated twisty maneuvers as if he was deciding
what to do with him...then just gives up and drops him to the canvas.
Gotta love da simplicity.
Sack with an atomic drop. Sergeant Genocide is hopping up and down
clutching himself for protection.
Where DID Michael Wackson go, anyway?
Er...in jail on children's assault charges?
I said Michael WACKSON. The wrestler?
Oh...darned if I know. Sack is using Sergeant Genocide's own move against
him! The Exterminator flying headbutt applied perfectly by Sack! (cheers)
Sack is doing some showboating for the crowd, who is more than
appreciative. He turns around and goes back to the action.
Watch out Sack, you've almost won dis!
Sack is setting up for what seems like some kind of leglock. Genocide
kicks him away. Genocide moves in and drags his toes quickly across
the Hubcapper's chest. Sack is trying to fend them off, but the Sarge has
fancy footwork indeed. A small drop of red blossoms on Sack's chest.
Here is your winner, SERGEANT GENOCIDE!
Listen to those boos. Sack was in control for most of the match and he
gets the equivalent of a paper cut to lose. The Rogue's Gallery is acting
like they won the Stanley Cup, and Sack appeals to the loving fans as the
It's worth a shot.
Sack'll get dat win back one day.
It's time for the three-way Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver tag team
This contest is for the Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver
tag team championship, and is set for two bleeds.
Sarcastic fratboy: GET ON WITH IT!
I don't have to take this, you know. I'm just an
underappreciated announcer. I should have listened to my father when he
said, "It doesn't matter what you do, Ladislav, as long as you are
respected where you are." So SCREW YOU ALL! I'm going to be in the bar if
anyone needs me for the rest of the night.
Touchy guy, isn't he?
Here come all three teams.
Vic on Voiceover: Why doesn't anyone tell me this is going to happen?
You guys leave me no choice.
("Hangin' Tough" by the New Kids on the Block plays.
The crowd groans and covers its ears. The younger set looks confused and
silently wonders if 'N Sync cut a new album that they haven't heard about
Is it safe to say that this isn't the "best PPV
ever" yet, Vince?
Everyone's paid for it by now, and there's no encore presentation, so
Barry Brown, Tyrone Mayhem and Jeffrey Steingold will start things
(cut to a sign reading, "Shut the Hell Up, Barry")
I don't get it; he wasn't talking. Mayhem and Brown double-teaming
Steingold. Steingold has had enough. He tags in Irving right away. Irving
gives a puzzled look and steps in the ring. Tyrone pulls out the
collapsible crobar and starts hacking away at the 90-year-old.
Why, I oughta...
The old man is down! He can't take much more! And yes! There's the blood
already, the Chosen Ones have been eliminated!
Dose old Jews look angry at each
Quite so, a heated exchange occurring on the way to the locker room.
Everything's fine, the Chosen Ones are not breaking
up, everything's fine, remain calm, don't panic, keep buying those Old
Boys' Network T-shirts.
Which brings us back to the matters at hand. Barry tags in Garry Greene to
take on Tyrone Mayhem. Both Ambulance Jockeys wresting control of the
crobar from Tyrone. They can't do it, but the ref tells Tyrone to put it
away. He complies. Garry and Tyrone going at it.
Man I feel sick. You guys better appreciate this
when all's said and done.
Tyrone tags in the Geek now. Brief double-teaming effort happening here,
and the Geek is strangling Garry with the tag rope. A few kicks to the
kidneys, and a thumb across the eyes by the notorious PNG. Now the Geek is
wailing away, and is Garry cut? I can't tell. Garry runs to the outside
where Nurse Heidi is. Garry tags Barry to take care of business and
distract the ref. Yes, "the Gurney" is definitely cut, but he's suturing
himself up to hide the fact!
That's cheating of the worst kind!
Barry wants to end this quickly. He punches the Geek right in the
spectacles, which shatter. The Geek has multiple cuts around his left eye,
but thankfully none of the shards went in his eyes and his sight will be
unaffected. This match is over.
The Geek is still picking glass out of his face. But here comes Edwina
from the locker room! She looks angry. She's mouthing off to the Ambulance
Jockeys, and she whips them with her barbed-wired ponytail! Nurse Heidi is
taking some too. The Club Med representatives hightail it.
Good to see Edwina back in action.
I'll say. Tyrone doing some crobar work as the lights become dark blue and
the crobar lights up fluorescent green.
Just two matches left. Bohemoth and Viet Kong are in the ring.
Bohemoth goes to work immediately. He's tearing out Viet Kong's chest
hair! What a madman! Viet Kong defensively covers his nipples.
This pay-per-view is just too silly for my taste.
Can we end it now?
I'd like to, but we still have an IG match to worry about. Bohemoth still
going to work, and he's got enough to cause bleeding! Already! But he's
not done! Oh my, Viet Kong's chest is crimson.
Yes, it's over. Viet Kong is bleeding profusely. His fingers trembling,
even that bright orange one Dr. Plants attached for him. Charlie has
entered the ring to take him away. Viet Kong lifts a hand to Charlie's
Viet Kong: Father...
I thought Viet Kong couldn't speak.
That's what I thought. He may never say another word though. Charlie leads
Viet Kong away with tears in his eyes.
That's a sad way to end a match.
It certainly is. But now it's time for the main event! Because our
Announcer Lad isn't here right now, Homicidal Hank enters as our
challenger and the Tiger as our champion.
What's that? The producer's saying don't do it yet. I think we've got some
time to fill.
No, we just missed a script page. Here it is, newbie
exhibition match, still set for one bleed. Petey the Peanut Guy will take
on Lenny "the Force" Baxter. Since Announcer Lad can't introduce the
newbies, I'd better.
You go, Cap.
This contest is a double-debut match, and is set for
one bleed. Making his way to the ring first, from Kitchener/Waterloo,
Ontario, Canada and weighing in at 190 lbs., here is Lenny "the Force"
("Carmen" by Coma plays. A small man in a hooded cloak appears. He's 5'5"
if he's an inch. He removes the cloak to reveal a black singlet and many
mystic tattoos, including a smiley face, and possibly a Nike swoosh. Small
And his opponent, accompanied by Mr. Planters, from Toronto, Ontario,
Canada and weighing in at 260 lbs., here is PETEY THE PEANUT GUY!
(The "Peanuts" theme song plays. A seeing eye dog in the front row get up
on its hind legs and does a little jig on the spot. What a blind guy is
doing at a wrestling event we don't know. Petey hands out peanuts to the
audience, and Mr. Planters does some typical guy-in-a-peanut-suit antics
while maintaining some dignity.)
Free peanuts. That's a cheap way to get heat.
But V, they just peanuts. Let 'im be.
You're hungry, aren't you? And you're hoping we'll get some?
Lenny: I just got here, and they tell me I'm in a match? What is this,
anyway? Am I fighting the giant peanut? What are the stips?
Sigh. You're fighting the vendor, not the peanut. To
win you have to make your opponent bleed.
Lenny: So, I win if I, for example, say, make his head explode?
(rolling eyes heavenward) Uhhhhh....yeaaaaahhhh,
that would do it...
Lenny: Just what I wanted to hear. Ring that bell!
Sumpin' tells me da short guy ain't all
Really? What tipped you off? Lenny Baxter charges Petey. Mr. Planters
leaps over the top rope to get out of the way and stoops to retrieve his
hat. Petey is driven to the ropes. Lenny with some big forearms. Lenny may
only be 5'5" but he's built like a brick chicken house, wouldn't you
I thought you only referred ta ladies as brick
houses. You know, (sings) "she's a BRICK!......hooooooouwse."
Please, never do that again Lenny "the Force" Baxter gives Petey the
Peanut guy a hiplock takeover. Splash! The cover: there are no covers, I
thought we went over the rules here!
I'm just interested to see how this all
Petey gaining some momentum now. Vertical suplex, nicely applied. I might
point out that it's possible these two have met before. Lenny is from
Kitchener, "the freak capital of Canada" as they say, and Petey has done
some time in the Kitchener/Waterloo Wrestling Federation. So you never
know. Petey with a sleeperhold to wear down the Force. Mr. Planters on the
outside telling him to use more brawling tactics.
Good managers always keep their charges on track.
You want to make him bleed, and while sleeperholds will create less
resistance to bleeding opportunities, it's not the best move.
Absolutely. Lenny gets out of the sleeperhold. Two elbows applied by
Baxter, and there's a dropkick by the tattooed freak from Kitchener.
Now Lenny is ... just standing there and looking like he's
concentrating. Cap, do you know what the hell is up with this?
Announcer Lad was telling me that Baxter told HIM he
uses a move called the Head Explody, where he concentrates at a guy so
hard, the opponent's head explodes like that guy in
Has it worked to date? I'd love to see it.
Surprise, it hasn't.
Petey is up, shakes off the effects of the dropkick, and just stares at
Baxter with a confused look. Mr. Planters is yelling for him to do
Yeah, less get goin'.
Petey with a head of steam, he scoops up Lenny Baxter and throws him over
to the Spanish Announcers' table!
Baxter went right through the table, and he's busted wide open! This one
Here is your winner, PETEY THE PEANUT
Petey: That was a good debut, wouldn't you agree, Mr. Planters?
Mr. Planters: (muffled) Mmmmfffssss, ssssmmfrrr.
Petey victorious, and it's time for the main event!
There's Hank and the Tiger in the ring. This is going to be good. Or maybe
it isn't. But it probably is. Then again...
Hank locks up with the Tiger. Hank with a waistlock. The Tiger tosses him
over. The Tiger with a standing armbar, and he's pressing that foot into
A lot more aggression coming from our champ
Hank reaches the ropes. Some punches to the stomach by Hank, and now a
Northern Lights suplex. Homicidal Hank slaps on a cranial claw, and he's
digging in those fingernails. Maybe he can get some blood going here. The
Tiger breaks the hold, and while we can see the fingernail marks, he's
Who, Hank o' da Tiger?
The Tiger. I doubt very highly Hank's fingernails are clean. Or the rest
of Hank, for that matter. Both men exiting the ring. The Tiger scrounging
around underneath the ring for anything he can find.
Find something obscure; that way, if any other fed
rips it off we'll know where it came from.
He's got a home exercise treadmill! Easy to assemble, lightweight and fits
right underneath a wrestling ring!
I could use one o' dose.
The Tiger lifts the treadmill high above his head and cracks Hank a nice
one with it. And again! Hank is on the floor and he looks hurt. But he's
The Tiger throws away the treadmill and looks through the "hardcore"
section of the audience for another weapon. He passes over the hubcaps and
"Neighbourhood Watch" signs...past the chains, morningstars, and assorted
perverse toys...he settles on a breadbox!
How big is that exactly?
It's about the size of a breadbox.
The Tiger jams the breadbox on Hank's noggin! He opens it up to find some
moldy bread! I can smell it from here.
Burning hair, moldy bread, I'm starting to enjoy the
concept of Unscented.
Hank rolls out of the way to avoid the rock-hard bread. He grabs the ring
apron to get to his feet. He's still not bleeding. The Tiger swings with
the bread, but Hank grabbed it himself! Hank now beating on the Tiger with
that hard bread. Both men are visibly hurt. The action returns to the
It's almost over! I sho' hope I ain't
Oh Lord, you drive? Hank makes the first move. He move over to the Tiger
and swings wildly. The Tiger blocks and punches to the face. And again!
Hank with a lowblow. The Tiger is down. Hank looks to be getting a second
This could be it!
Hank with an elbowdrop! And a legdrop! He strikes a pose...and starts
stomping and kicking all over the Tiger's body, but his torso is
It's the Riverdance of death! Tiger is trying to
defend his vital areas but to no avail! Hank is wearing cleats. Ouch.
The ref really should have checked the boots before the match, but if he
says anything he'd have to admit he screwed up, and that's never going to
happen. The Tiger's chest is a bloody mess now. The janitors on the way,
clutching their mops anxiously.
Here is your winner, and NEEEEEEEW STWF
Intergalactic Champion, HOMICIDAL HANK!
Hank takes the Intergalactic Belt. He steps on a turnbuckle and lifts it
high. "Intergalactic" comes over the speakers, and I guess the Tiger gets
his old theme song back. What a night this has been. For Jamal Tupac
Mustafa and Captain Twilight, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying thanks for
ordering Heart-Breaking Hell.
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo
Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre