This one'll actually exist!

(Pan interior of the Chinook Dome. Everyone is bundled up nice and cozy for this one, despite the fact that it's July 1st. Or maybe a couple days later, depending. Everyone is cheering as loud as they can and making jerky limb movements, probably to warm up.)
We're LIVE in the Chinook Dome here in the Northwest Territories - or maybe it's in Nunavut now, we have no clue - and it's Canada Day! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden alongside Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa.
Greetings to all.
(cannot be heard, then looks frustrated)
Looks like Jamal's headset is frozen. We'll try to fix that later, but right now here's Announcer Lad to tell you just how this badboy is going to go down.
Here are the rules to this badb...I mean, Canada Day Chaos. Twelve teams of three will be taking place in a single-elimination tournament. All members of the team must be eliminated before the match is over. All three members of the winning team will advance no matter if they were eliminated or not. The first round is six matches, the second round is three matches, after which there is a match where the three surviving teams face each other in a triangle confrontation: three men in the ring at once. Finally, the winning team's members must face each other in a triangle match for a title shot. Got it now? No? Tough.
Whew! Alright. Now that we have that settled, let's see our first two teams going at it. It's Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants the former NA champion, Jeffrey Steingold and douja, both of whom I believe were former ICCTINACBBIC champs? Is that right Jamal?
You don't have to be snippy about it, you know. They're facing Jean Bannister, "Lightning Clippers" - call him Claude Leroux or Bob Smith, and former ICCTINACBBIC champ Très Sheik.
Is it going to be redundant for me to introduce these teams? And do we really have the time to play at most six theme songs each round?
He's got a point...
Fine. Announcer Lad won't bother for this PPV. All six men in the ring...
***bell rings.
It's Jeffrey Steingold against Jean Bannister. Bannister with a big right hook, ducked by the old Jewish guy, Steingold with a backslide: 1...2...that was close.
A little too close.
... ...
Hey! I don't tell you how to do YOUR job.
Guys, please. Bannister lands a kick in the head. Steingold is dazed! Jean Bannister goes to the top rope, but doesn't know any top-rope moves, so just plays to the crowd. Back down and there's a fistdrop by the hockey player.
I think the Leafs could have used this guy this year - they needed a good goon to get past the Sabres.
I said a GOOD goon, Jamal.
This isn't about hockey, despite our being in Canada surrounded by ice. It's about sports entertainment, and damn it that's what we'll do. Jean Bannister tags in Très Sheik. The Sheik is laying a beating on Jeffrey Steingold. And there's a half-crab. Steingold is crawling towards his corner. The Exorbitant Arab hanging on with all his might, but that plucky old Jewish guy just won't give up! He's got heart! What intestinal fortitude!
What a load of clichéd garbage!
He tags in douja! The Sheik releases the hold...he's begging off.
Good point, Jamal, well made. Hey, is your headset fixed yet?
... <-BLEEP-> ...
Well, we're working on it. douja has the Sultan of Sweet in position. And there's the Chronic Neck Pain! He covers: 1...2...3! Sheik is eliminated, but there's still two more guys to defeat. Claude Leroux is in the ring now. There's a clothesline.
If douja was three, he could have been killed by now!

To all those who were offended by the preceding line, you knew this place would get tasteless when you signed up.)

Well douja sometimes acts like he's three. douja tags in Dr. Plants. The sharemilker from New Zealand getting a second wind. European uppercut, even though he's not European. Leroux bounces off the ropes. Flying forearm shiver! Plants takes a big hit, and lands badly. I think he's unconscious...
You're right, his stable COULD help him with that. Leroux covers: 1...2...3! It's down to 2-on-2. douja enters the ring again. Caught off guard right away and there's a sunset flip! douja struggling to maintain balance...he topples over. The cover, the count, and it's up to Steingold to save his team! He's in. Flurry of kicks and punches. Spinwheel kick by Steingold. Jean Bannister is tagged back in. He pulls up Steingold's shirt and starts pounding away. Steingold with a groinshot, but the ref didn't see! TORAH-NADO DDT! 1...2...3! It's 1-on-1 now, we'll see which team advances. Claude Leroux and Jeffrey Steingold squaring off.
The suspense isn't killing me!
ISN'T? Okay... Steingold with an enzuigiri. Claude Leroux returns the favour. Double clothesline. Both men are down. So what happens if both men are counted out?
(riffles through rulebook) ...
Oh really? How interesting. The old Jewish man getting up first. He drapes an arm over the former accordion-playing-Mountie. 1.....2.......3! Amazing, Steingold wins for his team. He, Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants and douja will move on to face the winners of this next confrontation.
B.F. Sack got stuck with a lemon team - OddJobber and Four. Meanwhile, the other team has two former ICCTINACBBIC champions and a tag-team competitor who's on one of the biggest hot streaks in his life.
But in the STWF, if the laws of probability say it can be done, it'll happen. Heck, some impossible things have happened too. Alright, Sack's team is entering to the reworked James Bond theme of OddJobber's. OddJobber removes his bowler hat and a ring attendant cuts his finger receiving it. Now there's the Beer Barrel Polka and here come Lenny "the Force" Baxter, the Pencil-Necked Geek and Sir Hungalot.
***bell rings.
B.F. Sack is going to square off against Lenny "the Force" Baxter for starters. A wise move considering the other two guys on Sack's team are essentially useless to him.
Yeah, he's right. B.F. and Lenny in a collar-and-elbow. Sack applies pressure on that left arm and Lenny crumples. Sack, methodically working on that left arm. Why? I haven't a clue. Legdrop on that left arm. Lenny Baxter gaining control with an Irish whip. Sack bounces off the ropes and comes head-on into a back body drop. Lenny on the middle rope, with a kinda-high crossbody. Sack catches him and puts it into a slam. Sack holding on to Lenny as he...tags OddJobber?
What's he thinking?
OddJobber bounces up to the top turnbuckle, and WOW! Springboard reverse corkscrew plancha! Nobody's getting up from that one. 1...2...3!
OddJobber finally getting a chance to showcase his skills. He's arguably one of the best technical wrestlers in this game, but apparently there's some sort of vendetta with the Ivory Tower against him. And he doesn't care; he's still making enough money to buy those Kraft Dinners with ketchup.
That's what they call it in Canada, Kraft Dinner. Don't blame me.
Sir Hungalot being pushed in the ring by the Geek. The PNG obviously still holding some animosity towards Sir Hungalot over this Immortal Shapes deal. Heated words exchanged between the two team members.
They should save that venom in case they win it all and have to fight each other, but not now.
OddJobber pulls Sir Hungalot by the hair into the center of the ring. Dragon suplex! Standing 450 splash! This guy is absolutely amazing.
The chants of "FREE JOE RAIN!" are starting up again.
He slaps a dragon sleeper on Big Sir. The knight in latex armour is tapping out! And OddJobber scores his second victory.
Why yes, I believe OddJobber's contract is coming up soon, why do you ask? Okay, the Pencil-Necked Geek just might have to save his own team all by his lonesome here. OddJobber with a Russian legsweep. He picks up the Geek, who just punched OddJobber right in the throat! The ref warning the PNG.
Our genius friend there is going to need all the dirty tricks with which he can get away, otherwise... bye-bye title shot.
OddJobber tagged in Four. Four just happy to be here, he tries to assert an identity for himself by doing a bizarre arm gesture in the air and hoping it'll catch on.
No kidding. The Geek with the Wrong Homework right away! Four just went down to a big Zero. 1...2...3! The Geek wiping sweat from his brow in anticipation of the next opponent. Either one of these guys could present problems for the significantly smaller Geek.
It's B.F. Sack. He's entering the ring. Big bodyslam by Sack. He runs back-and-forth across the ring, jumping over the Geek on each pass. And there's a big falling headbutt.
Some double-team maneuvers coming your way: OddJobber assists Sack with a spike powerbomb! Sack makes the cover: 1...2...3! B.F. Sack and OddJobber your survivors. When they face off against team A, Four will be with them again, like that will really matter in the long run.
Oh, I sincerely doubt that.
Yeah, what were you thinking?
Our third match this evening pits "Soft Core" Zack, Mittens the Mannerless and Flash "the Mastermind" Flanagan against Luke Warm, Necro Phil and B...what's that? I'm just getting word that BILL has been injured backstage. Let's go to the tape. Roll it, Chet!

(Shot of backstage area. BILL is lying spread-eagled on the ground with his eyes closed. He looks perfectly fine except for this awkward position. The Ambulance Jockeys are now entering the scene and taking him away.)

BILL's replacement, I've just been told, will be none other than the MAD COW. Luke Warm's team just went up a notch.
"Last Dance With Mary Jane" is playing, and here comes the Mad Cow and Necro Phil now, with Madame Bovine and "Helena". But where's Luke Warm? Listen to those boos.
There's the sound of stuff breaking! Luke Warm BURSTS on to the scene to the biggest pop you've ever heard from a bunch of frostbitten Eskimos.

Alright, Pat Boone is crooning out "Enter Sandman" which can only mean that "Soft Core" Zack is coming out. He, Deviance and Mittens are entering with interlocked arms. Flanagan is taking his time signing autographs and patting kids' heads. He sure enjoys his role as a Hubcapper.
Don't talk like that about him, he's your stablemate.
Oh, that's your excuse for everything.
***bell rings.
Necro Phil starting off against "Soft Core" Zack. Zack using some intimidation tactics by cruching that Dixie cup, just now drained of its "Beer for Girls", against his head. Oh no! He got himself in the eye. Is he crying, or is that sweat?
I think it's just the dregs of the beer.
Necro Phil with a vertical suplex while Zack is injured! And there's the Toxicology! "Soft Core" Zack doesn't have a clue what's going on. He just inadvertently tapped himself out. Mittens and Flanagan exchange worried looks.
This can't be good for their team. When you're up against Luke Warm, you'll need everything you can get.
Necro Phil takes one look at Mittens the Mannerless and decides to tag in the Mad Cow. The Mad Cow's eyes widen. Mittens the Mannerless grabs his throat - ONE-HANDED CHOKESLAM! The Mad Cow grasping his neck - he could be injured!
Oh dear, we forgot to change the script to accommodate the card's subjectivity to change.
You're right, the Mad Cow acting suspiciously like BILL here. Mittens with a big kneedrop, and covers: 1...2...3. It's 2-on-2 now, and anyone's game, frankly. Luke Warm enters the ring. Listen to that pop. Mittens on the business end of a sidewalk slam. That's power from Luke Warm, baby. But wait, Deviance is still at ringside. She jumps up on the apron, chewing her gum and acting like the stereotypical tramp while opening her blouse.
And how do YOU know so much about those things, Jamal?
(hangs head in shame)
Alright, Marv, let's get back to the action. Luke Warm stares...he looks disturbed...almost scared. He still has some serious female-related psychological problems that go back to his childhood. He hits the mat and curls into a fetal position. Mittens stomping away but it's difficult to get his shoulders to the mat! The ref declaring that Luke Warm is no longer fit to wrestle and eliminates him.
Necro Phil is in shock! He runs off in terror, he knows he can't win without Luke Warm! The ref is counting him out.
Mittens and Flash survive, they and Zack will move on to the next round. Flanagan wasn't tagged in but there's still other rounds where he can do stuff. And now here's the match that many people have been anticipating.
That's absolutely right. There's a team here that everyone is calling the odds-on favourite to go all the way. Bohemoth, the Tiger, and blue-chipper Billy Polar are a team for the ages. They've not got a cakewalk, though: El Spheros and Colonel "Pops" Khorne are legends in their own right. And who knows what Rocket Randy Armstrong is capable of.
They're playing "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor, and here comes the Dream Team now. People are giving a standing ovation for these three men.
Well, you're entitled to that opinion. And now Khachaturian's "Sabre Dance" plays. Khorne sets up the ramp, Rocket Randy Armstrong gets to one side, and here comes El Spheros! What a showman; I'll never get tired of that entrance.
Only one he's physically capable of. Apart from being craned in from above.
***bell rings.
The Tiger will square off against Handy Dandy Rocket Randy Armstrong. Evidently, they want to keep the veterans fresh for the latter part of this contest. Tiger with a belly-to-belly. He stomps right on Armstrong's ribs.
Well, you were one of the original Gallery-ites, Jamal, you'd know if they were related better than I would. Cap?
I don't see a resemblance, but it was hard to look past those aviator goggles.
The Tiger executing an abdominal stretch. Randy Armstrong breaks the hold with an eye gouge. The Tiger with a reverse atomic drop. Armstrong now, off the ropes, dropkick right on the money! The Tiger reels, he rebounds, and Randy is up in the Tiger Rack! It's been so long since we've seen one of those.
Well I think it is. Armstrong hasn't submitted....he's hanging on... oh wait, the pressure was too much I guess. Armstrong is eliminated. El Spheros gets right in there and rolls right over the Tiger. The Tiger just got all the wind knocked out of him. El Spheros not wasting any time. Multiple bounces on the Tiger's fallen body. He's going to the top rope...
Look at him go. OUCH! That had to hurt. The Tiger is through in this one. 1...2...3. Billy Polar going in to replace the Tiger, and wouldn't it be a feather in his cap to score a pinfall over El Spheros?
Okay, I'll be sure to apologize to him next I see him. You'd think pimps wouldn't be so sensitive... Polar and El Spheros exchanging armdrag takedowns.
Ah, I see young Mr. Polar is well-versed in the luchador style.
Polar with a headscissors takedown, brilliantly executed. How he managed to find the head inside that sphere of a man is beyond me. He goes for the pin...impossible, El Spheros rolls right out and Polar nearly squashed just as the Tiger was. El Spheros going for his patented Frankenspheros reverse hurricanrana! Polar's head snapped WAY back on that one. Wow.
If there was ever any doubt that El Spheros isn't a worthy competitor...
Huh? Sorry, I didn't get the reference. Was that from "Good Times" or "What's Happening?" Or wait, what was that one with Nell Carter?
(Cut to the audience. Jimmie Walker and Nell Carter are in the front row looking slumped and emotionless. Andy Griffith and Nancy Kulp are right behind them, also looking like really old Generation X slackers. None of them look particularly happy.)
Don't tick off the Ratings Flock, Angus. They've got eerie ways.
Polar taking Spheros' head to his corner. Bohemoth puts his boot on the turnbuckle and El Spheros meets it head on.
¡Ay Caramba!
¿   ?
Billy Polar puts on a crossface! He's got some American moves too it seems. Luchadores aren't big on cool submissions save the bow-and-arrow. El Spheros submits! I don't believe it. It's down to Colonel "Pops" Khorne now.
I wouldn't exactly put it that eloquently, but I agree, his chances aren't good. Khorne with a short clothesline. Elbowdrop by "Pops". And another one! Polar getting to a sitting position, and the Colonel goes right into a snapmare. This is the Col. "Pops" Khorne we've seen in the old days. No sign of ring rust on this man. Billy Polar tags in Bohemoth. The big coal miner lunges straight at "Pops". There's a gorilla press. HEAVES the Vietnam vet out of the ring. Khorne's neck hits the guardrail.
You mean that cardboard box over there?
Uh...uh...uh...yes. The ref is counting out Col. Khorne. I don't think he'll be able to get back in, that's PURE CARDBOARD, people! The ref counting 7....8....9....Khorne is up, can he make it back in time? NO! He's been counted out. Billy Polar and Bohemoth advance. Polar jumping around like an idiot. Bohemoth looks a little annoyed.
What makes you think that? Besides, don't spoil it for later. Two matches left in this first round. Irving Goldstein, Sugarplum Harry and Francis "Nutcracker" Sweet will take on ThatGuy, Petey the Peanut Guy and the Violent Pacifist in what should be one of our stranger matchups.
That's absolutely right Angus, one team has two guys in ballet gear, and there could be some animosity there for that, while the other team has a really unpredictable madman, a somewhat MORE predictable madman, and a guy who doesn't really like violence but uses it anyway, and that's a little mad in itself. I wish I had their football histories, people LOVE that sort of info.
Not in Canada unless they're in the CFL. The CFL sucks by the way, I just thought I'd point that out. (boos from audience) HEY! When was the last time any of you saw an Argos game? Huh? (audience shuts up) I thought so.
"Hava Nagila" is playing as the first team enters. Irving Goldstein is hobbling to the ring, and there's the other two, the fat Sugarplum Harry in his tutu, and the tall beast Francis Sweet in his pink leotard. Harry really looks angry at this something of a copied gimmick.
And there's "Insane in the Brain" as Petey and the Pacifist are entering...but where's ThatGuy? THERE he is, in his wheelbarrow driven by the paper-bagged Wheelbarrow Man. Gotta love the classics.
***bell rings.
Starting off, it's "when Harry met Petey".
... ! (takes off his headset)
Jamal, get back here! Where are you going?
Does it matter? His headset's still frozen; the audience couldn't hear him.
Yeah, but he owes me $10 for beers. Sugarplum Harry locks up with Petey the Peanut Guy. Knee to the gut by Harry. Reverse neckbreaker by Petey! Legdrop to complete a sequence. Harry is pulled up by the beard. Sleeperhold is applied... Harry's hand is lifted once...twice...he's still in it! Harry off the ropes, and now Petey's in a sleeper! Petey quickly counters with a jawbreaker and tags in ThatGuy. ThatGuy attempts a big splash off the top. BOOM! ThatGuy with repeated headbutts.
Don't you think they'd be more effective if he actually headbutted Harry's head? Instead of where he was butting?
Hey, a headbutt is effective no matter where you do it. May I demonstrate?
Not with YOUR dandruff.
ThatGuy now, I think he's looking for, YES! The Hideous Finger Bite! He's clamped it on, it should only be a matter of seconds now. A struggle for position has ensued. ThatGuy on his back but the finger is still in ThatGuy's teeth!
Harry's apparently grow back anyway. He can afford to lose one. Harry hoping to pin ThatGuy before his pain tolerance runs out. ThatGuy's shoulders are down! 1...2...3!
The Violent Pacifist is in. Harry has since tagged in Irving Goldstein. Irving is in the ring. The VP gives him a fisherman's suplex. And there's a fireman's carry! But the VP isn't done, there's a Doctor Bomb!
It would appear that many wrestlers moonlight.
Irving Goldstein is reeling. The Violent Pacifist is going for ... the Accountant's Piledriver! Oh man, that's just MEAN.
I haven't seen that move in ... (counting on his fingers) ... what move are we talking about again?
Goldstein just didn't have a chance. 1...2...3! Francis "Nutcracker" Sweet is about to enter the ring, but Sugarplum Harry cuts him off and enters once again. Sweet didn't like that. He turns Harry around and clotheslines him! Why is he turning on his own team member? This is INSANITY! The Violent Pacifist takes Harry and gives him a Nine-Inch Nailer! He hooks that big drumstick: 1...2...3. The Violent Pacifist is asking Sweet to come next.
It's not like he's got a choice in the matter.
Sweet pirouettes and there's a spinning back kick. Now there's a flying front kick. He spins the Pacifist around with one hand and there's a humongous left! VP tags Petey the Peanut Guy back in. Will the Nutcracker get a nut to crack right here?
Where's Mr. Planters to answer that question?
Mr. Planters: mmmm rmmmfffttt hmmmrr, ssssmmmfffrrr.
If you can't speak coherently, get out of the booth!
That wasn't very nice. Jamal's here every week and he's about as coherent as Ahmed Johnson.
Ahmed WHO? Francis Sweet in control here. Petey is down. Nutcracker going for the Nutcracker, and look at that testicular claw! BRUTAL.

I like Harry's Nutcracker better.
Yes, two finishers with the same name can get difficult. Petey submits! The Violent Pacifist is in once again, and there's a kick to exact revenge on Petey's tortured appendage.
Just say he kicked the leotard guy right in the bulge.
Ugh! Vulgarity doesn't suit you, Cap. Nevertheless, that's what happened, and it's enough to give the VP a three-count. 1...2...3.
Impressive. The Violent Pacifist scoring all three wins, and he's the sole survivor. Will this affect his attitude in the next round, I wonder.
We'll see who his team is fighting first as we go into our last first-round match. Homicidal Hank, the Square, and the One-Man Tag Team will face slater, Big Baby Hubert and the Mason.
All six men in the ring. Seven? Is that One-Man Tag Team two guys?
With "ONE-MAN" in his name, it's relatively safe to say he's one man.
But Night Train and Leaping Lonnie act so different! And it's the One Man against slater for starters. slater looks at the dual-costumed individual and blinks, then stares at the joint he was holding. I think he's confused.
A typical state of mind for him.
Leaping Lonnie with a big punch. slater is down but I don't think he realizes it! The tag team makes a cover: 1...2...3. Does slater know he's been pinned? He's just looking at the ceiling, creepily content.
Eeeeeh. Someone call me?
No, Creepy-T, just stay away from us. Big Baby Hubert is next, and he comes in with that lead duck swinging! He just hit the ref! I don't believe it.
Just a little misplaced I think.
What? The ref didn't lose consciousness! Big Baby Hubert is disqualified. The Mason all alone now. Spike the geranium and the Evil, Insidious Undergarment are distracting the ref. Okay, so maybe that hit with the duck didn't cause PHYSICAL damage. All three/four men are attacking the Mason. What a pummelling! What a violent display! What a way to bring up the buyrates!
No one will order a PPV half-way.
Encores, my good man, encores! Everyone is holding the Mason down in pinning position with both legs hooked. The ref is counting: 1...2...3. I think he just wants this over with!
Don't we all. *Yawn* What time is it?
Quiet, old man. Well, the entire team survives and advances. And we're going to get to the second round after this brief word from our sponsors.

Brief. (A logo for Tonea's is shown.)

What the hell?
Told you it was brief. So as you will recall, our first second-round matchup is Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants, Jeffrey Steingold and douja against B.F. Sack, the surprising OddJobber, and the pathetic Four.
We can call him pathetic?
Call him whatever you want, but pathetic seems to fit best. They're in the ring now.
***bell rings.
B.F. Sack once again starting off, and this time he'll face douja. Does douja look like he's been doing a little "celebrating" to you, Cap?
I believe so, yes. By the way he just giggled and lied on his back saying "pin me, yo!"
Sack shrugs and pins, wondering if it's a trap. 1...2...3! No trap, douja is gone! douja's shoulder goes up and he giggles again, saying "gotcha!".
He should work on his reflexes. I think he WANTED to fool B.F. Sack but it just backfired.
Dr. Plants in the ring now. B.F. Sack with a tornado punch. And a guillotine legdrop! He slams the knee down on Plants' leg. Sack now grinding Plants' face into the canvas as he tags OddJobber.
OddJobber working up a frenzy in there! Dragonscrew legwhip by OddJobber. Axe kick by same. His contract MUST be up soon. But why keep him?
A lot of sarcastic fratboys buy his "Can I Have A Pancake?" T-shirts. OddJobber puts on the Tongan Death Grip!
Boy, those Tongans sure know a good move when they see one. But I always thought that move came out of the Bronx.
Dr. Plants submits! He's just glad to be out of there. OddJobber once again tags in Four for some stupid reason. Steingold enters the ring.
Steingold: BOO!
Four goes down. 1...2...3. Done.
Are all the rest of these matches going to be incredibly short?
Yeah, probably. Steingold puts a double-leg takedown to OddJobber. He's going to the top rope... taking his time... wait! Très Sheik is coming down there, he smashes a hookah in Steingold's face! Steingold falls off the top rope and OddJobber puts it into a backbreaker! 1...2...3! This match is also done. And not a second too soon.
Little kid: Telegram.
Here you go, kid, here's an American nickel. You could buy a dinner for six in Canada with that!
Kid: Wow! Thank you kindly, sir.
Polite little lad. Now what's it say?
It's straight from the office of the King of Canada. He was angered at the CFL comment and has forced us to cut our program short!
Those Canuck bastards! Wait...Canada has a king?
How the hell should I know? But it looks official. See this guy with the tam-o'-shanter and moustache on this 5-cent bill? I'm guessing that's the King of Canada. Dapper guy, looks kinda Scottish.
So what does that mean for us?
It means we dark-match the second-round matches and change the format of the last two.
Son of a...

We interrupt this expletive to give you the results of the remaining second-round matches. The Dream Team, comprised of Bohemoth, the Tiger and Billy Polar, defeated a still-ailing "Soft Core" Zack, as well as Mittens and Flash "the Mastermind" Flanagan, who strangely enough still wasn't tagged in. It was as if Zack and Mittens didn't want him to wrestle. Flanagan later remarked that he "thought Canada Day Chaos was a stupid idea anyway".
Hank, the Square and the One-Man Tag Team all survived once again as they defeated ThatGuy, Petey the Peanut Guy and the Violent Pacifist. The sound you were hearing were of a thousand bookies switching the odds to these guys' favour. Spike the geranium received a Hideous Finger Bite but is expected to recover.

b<-BLEEP->ch. So what's the triangle-match format?
Since the King thinks eight eliminations will take too long, it's now two. One man who goes down will eliminate his team.
Ooh, B.F. Sack CAN'T be happy about that one.
All nine men in the ring. It's Bohemoth to start! It's Hank to start!
Four: Please guys, let me make this one up to you! I'll prove I'm good!
It's FOUR to start? Oy gevalt!
***bell rings.
Both Bohemoth and Hank absolutely destroying the Man called Four. Sack and OddJobber exchanging looks of dread. Both hold out their hands for the tag and shake them vigourously. Bohemoth and Hank make the pin, like they really need to. 1...2...3!
OddJobber: Oi! Four, you suck! I'll remembah that when we 'ave our Guy Fawkes Day Spectaculah!
We don't have a Guy Fawkes Day Spectacular.
OddJobber: No? Oh. Can I have a pancake?
Get off the property, OddJobber.
Now we're getting down to REAL bidniss. The Square has since been tagged in. Bohemoth with a belly-to-back suplex. He's choking the Square! 1...2...3...4...Bohemoth lets go. He starts up again! 1...2...3...4...lets go. The Tiger is now tagged in. Double vertical suplex by the Tiger and "the Big Bo". Tiger goes for a Tiger Driver! He nails it right on the Square. 1...2...saved by the One-Man Tag Team. The Square with a gourdbuster, followed by a brain buster, a facebuster, and a noggin' buster. There's a skullbuster, and he finishes it off with the ever-so-plain headbuster.
Ah, the headbuster, simple yet effective. Sigh.
The Tiger tries to knock some sense into himself after all those hits to the head. He tags in Billy Polar. Polar getting his mojo going...enzuilariato! ¡Arriba la raza!
What are you jabbering about, McMadden? Save that crap for the Spanish Announcer's table.
Have we broken that thing yet? It is a PPV after all.
Not yet.
Billy Polar picks up the Square by the collar and the trunks! He tosses him over the ring and right towards the Spanish table! CRACK! And look at the fans going berserk! They love them some good ol' Spanish table breakin'. Billy Polar grabs a chair from outside. Both men back in the ring. The Square gets cracked with the chair! Now the One-Man Tag Team gets one! And Hank! He's going to his own corner, where both the Tiger and Bohemoth receive a chairshot! Even the REF gets one now! Billy Polar looks around...BILLY POLAR CHAIRSHOTS HIMSELF! What is going ON here?
We were nearing the end of the budget period. We're only allotted so many chairshots per fiscal quarter, and this period was a bit low so we had to splurge or lose 'em.
Well isn't that nice. So how do we figure out who wins?
The Tiger is up now. He's crawling over to the One-Man Tag Team. He collapses right on top of Leaping Lonnie. The ref suddenly snaps out of it. 1...2...3! The Dream Team does indeed advance.
Wow, what a match! So now it's down to three. Bohemoth and Billy Polar are awakened, and we're set to go. The Tiger decides to take a neutral corner and let the other two settle things first.
Bohemoth stares right into Billy Polar's eyes with his one good eye and his one glass one. Billy Polar drops to his knees in fear! And wait...did he just collapse?
I don't believe it, not for a second! Billy Polar just fainted from the shock of facing "the Big Bo." So much for the blue-chipper bit. Bohemoth makes the cover. 1...2...3! Billy Polar still in the middle of the ring, the Tiger kicks him out so they can keep going. So who gets the title shot? The miner? Or the Tiger? Bohemoth puts on a hammerlock. Standing switch into a cross-face chickenwing. Bohemoth goes back and it's a double chickenwing submission.
All this talk of wings...I'm hungry.
The Tiger with a Death Valley Driver from out of nowhere! He covers: 1...2...kickout. Bohemoth is up once again. Chop! Whoo! And there's another one! Whooo! A third chop and the Tiger goes down!
Captain, please. Control yourself, it's just a match. Bohemoth going for a figure-four leglock! Although I'm sure in the Tiger's eyes, it's a figure-six leglock!
I think that the Tiger is over that whole four-six thing. That was a long time ago.
Is one EVER over it? I don't think so. Besides, I have the right, nay, the DUTY, to bring up old stuff like that.
I'm the old guy, I thought that was MY duty.
The Tiger looks like he's going to reverse this. But it's going to require a lot of momentum to get that one over. The Tiger rocking back and forth, back and forth...
Whoa. I may need to visit the bathroom really soon.
Hold on, this shouldn't take much longer.
Hey, Cap?
What the hell was that bathroom comment supposed to mean?
What bathroom comment? What are you rambling on about?
Never mind. The Tiger finally has that momentum to reverse it! But Bohemoth keeps the momentum going and we're right back in the original position after a 360!
And the Tiger's still too far away from the ropes.
The Tiger has no choice but to submit.
Here is the winner of Canada Day Chaos...BOHEMOTH!
Bohemoth victorious. Wait, here comes Sergeant Genocide to get in that attack on the number one contender! And there's the rest of the Gallery! But we've been ordered to get out of the dome, so for Captain Twilight this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, thanks for ordering and happy Canada Day, eh?
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre