(Interior of a large dome. Some large-scale fireworks start the show, but create a smoke that has everyone coughing. The dome slowly opens to ease the discomfort.) It's the most anticipated night in wrestling history, as SIXTY MEN with weapons in their hands, and other places maybe, battle it out for the newly-created STWF North American championship. But we've got a fantastic undercard too...let's not forget that. Oh, it'll be forgettable alright.
Yeah, V, remember this wasn't SUPPOSED to have an undercard in the first place.
And of course, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden with my feuding co-announcers Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa. Our first match features STWF legend, ThatGuy, as he takes on...uh...we're on pay-per-view, so we CAN say it, the Asswhupper.
I won't say it more than I need to.
I'll say it all I like, because I can! ASSWHUPPER! WHOO!
Very mature, Jamal.
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way towards the ring, from wherever he damn well feels like livin', accompanied by the Playmaker and Mama, and weighing in at 250 lbs., THE ASSWHUPPER!
("Phenomenon" by LL Cool J plays. He enters wearing his sweats and wrestling boots. He is booed loudly. He doesn't care, until he gets hit with the soda cup, at which point Mama holds him back from pounding a child.)
And his opponent, from Parts Unknown, weighing in at 266 1/2 lbs., representing the Asylum Alliance, THATGUY!
("Insane in the Brain" blares over the speakers. The "YOU'RE NOT SAFE!" chants begin. The wheelbarrow man brings ThatGuy to the ring, dumps him and runs off. ThatGuy dusts himself off, and waggles his finger in his mouth, drawing more cheers.)
A living legend versus a rising star. It could be good. Asswhupper with a clothesline. ThatGuy doesn't sell it at all! A German suplex is applied. ThatGuy gets right up, and yells "YOU'RE NOT SAFE!" And the crowd loves it! ThatGuy throws his opponent out of the ring...now he's licking the ringpost?
Great psychology on the part of ThatGuy. He leaves the ring to join his opponent. ThatGuy with an Irish whip into the ringsteps! Both men up, and back in the ring. ThatGuy with a backbreaker. The cover: 1...kickout. Weak cover, but I think ThatGuy's just playing with him. Take it Jamal.
Finally, I getsta word in edgewise. Asswhupper tryin' a belly-to-belly, and it looks like ThatGuy took some damage on that one. Asswhupper goes to the top rope with a frog splash. The cover: 1...2...and ThatGuy gets out. ThatGuy with a powerbomb! He's givin' da sign...
FOR THE HIDEOUS FINGER BITE! He's just about ready to...Playmaker runs into the ring and hits ThatGuy! ThatGuy turns his attention on the Playmaker, who's begging off... ThatGuy puts the Hideous Finger Bite on the Playmaker! The crowd is on its feet! The Asswhupper tries to roll him up for the pin...I don't think he knows what's happening to the Playmaker! ThatGuy is rolled, but the Playmaker's finger is still in his mouth! Paramedics coming to the scene...Asswhupper is completely disgusted!
What? I guess the timekeeper was asleep there...let's check the official word. It could be a disqualification win for ThatGuy, or time is up.
Ladies and gentleman, your winner, as a result of a disqualification...THATGUY!
Ooh, the 'Whupper didn't like that at all. ThatGuy on the receiving end of a Moneymaker! He leaves through the crowd and I don't blame him because the Asylum could be anywhere. Speaking of which, our next match features Bohemoth as he takes on Mr. Rage. A special gimmicky cage has been set up already.
The following contest is set for one fall, with no disqualifications. Making his way towards the ring, representing Homeboys and Hardcore, from New York and weighing 269 lbs., Mr. RAGE!
("Rascal King" by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones plays. Mr. Rage enters. Someone holds up a BBW sign, but security officials are already trying to take it from him.)
And his opponent, representing the Asylum Alliance, from Charleston, WV and weighing 490 lbs., BOHEMOTH!
("In the Hall of the Mountain King" plays. Bohemoth runs into the ring and the door is slammed shut.)
The two men lock up. Bohemoth has a huge weight advantage here, but Mr. Rage does have skill. This match was also supposed to involve weapons, but come on, that's what the big brawl is for! Am I right?! I'm right. Rage hiptosses Bohemoth right onto one of the beds of nails! Bohemoth is in a whole lotta hurtin' now! Mr. Rage trying to get him to the alcohol pit... Bohemoth gets Mr. Rage, grabs his head, and attempts to drown Mr. Rage in the alcohol! I am reminded of the match on ice back at Mexico Madness when El Spheros did the very same thing to Sugarplum Harry, except with water. Rage manages to struggle free, but he looks visibly out of breath. Bohemoth attempting a piledriver onto the nail bed...Rage gets free before the damage is done. Mr. Rage with a short clothesline. The cover: 1...2...kickout. Bohemoth side-suplexes Mr. Rage onto the bed of nails! Both men's backs are bleeding nicely now. Brawl inside the ring...Both men fall into the alcohol pit! Both men screaming in pain! This couldn't go on for much longer. Bohemoth outside the ring. Mr. Rage with a plancha, Bohemoth goes down. Mr. Rage picks up Bohemoth and whips him against the cage. Mr. Rage attempts an avalanche, but Bohemoth drops and Mr. Rage injures his shoulder...that could cost him a few cards...
Are you nuts? Nobody ever misses cards for injuries...this is the STEREO TYPE wrestling federation!
Quite so. Both men in the ring now. Rage with a bulldogging headlock, and Bohemoth is out cold...Mr. Rage climbing up the cage wall...
This cage has a top, and he couldn't possibly fly that far, what's he trying to do?
Look! He's climbing along the top of the cage now!
He's scuttling along the cage top...he's right over Bohemoth now! He flips and drops just like a spider for a HUGE splash! Oh, this is over! 1......2........3!
Fantastic match, if abridged.
Here is your winner, MR. RAGE!
Chalk one up for Homeboys and Hardcore. The next match is Cube as he takes on El Spheros. Both men are in the ring now, and ready to go at it.
Cube tries an armdrag takedown. I guess he's still trying to work El Spheros' extremities. Cube working on El Spheros' arm, but it doesn't seem to mind El Spheros nearly as much as expected! I'm confused, has El Presidente started building up El Spheros' bones? El Spheros with his patented reverse Frankenspheros. El Spheros with a bounce splash now. Cube attempts a headlock... but gives up after remembering there's no neck to grab - Spheros' head is too sunk into the body. Cube with a monkey flip - now he's got his mojo working!
Cube with an elevator slide from the standing position...in some circles that's called an "Outsider Edge".
You've been warned about the referencing.
I'm 81, and I can darn well say what I please. Cube with a dropkick. Cube goes for a Stun Gun maneuver, but El Spheros bounces off the ropes and whacks Cube a good one. El Spheros is back in control. El Spheros with a piledriver on Cube. He's going for the Super Super Spheros Spinning Splash! OH NO! Cube lifts his knees, and El Spheros gets a shot in his gut.
Cube gets up and goes for a jumping bodypress. Cube is giving the signal for the Cubism...he's having real trouble!
Of course he is. With a guy like El Spheros, there's no way the Cubism can be applied. Cube only goes halfway. I doubt even the Keeper could attempt that move on El Spheros. El Spheros with a backslide - the crowd is gasping in anticipation...Sir O is on his tippy-toes trying to see...1...2...3! With his shape, a backslide by El Spheros can create a lot of pressure.
Here is your winner, EL SPHEROS!
Cube takes a loss...perhaps he bit off a little more than he could chew going for a guy like El Spheros. If he applies himself, though, he could have a good chance at the ICCTINACBBIC belt!
A better chance if he could speak some English.
(Both men turn and glare at Jamal.)
What? As if YOU weren't thinking it?
Alright...on that note, Colonel "Pops" Khorne of the infamous Rogue's Gallery takes on Stealth Bomber, led by the equally infamous Sir O.
The following contest is set for one fall and is for the Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close" belt. Currently in the ring, the challenger, accompanied by Sir O., from Washington, DC, and weighing 285 lbs., STEALTH BOMBER!
(Stealth Bomber lifts his arms silently, like a jobber does when he's "currently in the ring". The crowd gives a decent pop.)
And his opponent, from St. Louis, Missouri, representing the Rogue's Gallery...
(Thunderous boos. Colonel "Pops" Khorne emerges, still attempting to sell his popcorn. Nobody's buying today. The Rogue comes out grinning and pointing at Khorne. The Aboriginals are not much further behind the Rogue, and they look visibly dazed. The ramp now looks like a landfill with all the trash being thrown.)
Stealth Bomber attacking Khorne just before the...
Stealth Bomber with a facebuster. Stealth Bomber now goes for a back brain kick! Stealth Bomber now executes an atomic drop! Khorne has had enough and leaves the ring.
Khorne obviously has a strategy here...he doesn't have to win, just keep his belt. Stealth Bomber not budging, he doesn't need a triple-team, thank you. The ref is counting: 1...2...3...4...5...6...Stealth Bomber has no choice but to exit the ring, if he wants that belt. Sir O. distracts the Aboriginals and the Rogue. Stealth Bomber heaves a reluctant Colonel into the ring. Stealth Bomber enters himself. Sir O. has just sacrificed himself, however. Now that's management! Bomber gets the belt, Sir O gets the beats. Colonel Khorne with a belly-to-back. Colonel Khorne with an elbowdrop! The cover: 1...2...shoulder up. Khorne complains about a slow count to the ref...sunset flip by Stealth Bomber. Khorne pinwheeling his arms, retains his balance, tries to punch Bomber in the face, Bomber gets out, Khorne puches the canvas, puts his knuckles in his mouth, Stealth Bomber clotheslines him bigtime. The cover: 1...2...no. Getting Khorne won't be that easy. The colonel with a series of chops. Colonel whips Stealth Bomber into the buckle and gives him an avalanche. Covers him: 1...2...Bomber puts his foot on the ropes. Khorne with a figure-four leglock!
Five minutes pass...
How much longer can Stealth Bomber take this punishment? He's been in that figure-four for five minutes now! The crowd is starting to chant "Boring!" But wait, Stealth Bomber reverses it! Khorne is yelling in pain! The Rogue and the Aboriginals come in and pummel Stealth Bomber! The ref is calling this match off!
Here is your winner, as a result of a disqualification...STEALTH BOMBER! Remember that the title does not change hands as a result of a disqualification.
Stealth Bomber is really getting screwed by the Rogue's Gallery, and...oh, this just in. In two weeks, Stealth Bomber will meet Col. "Pops" Khorne in a rematch, and it will be a LUMBERJACK match. Thus, no outside interference by the Rogue's Gallery will be possible. Or so we'll think. Our final undercard match features the Circus Freaks as they face the Warrior Gods. This match has been hyped since Monster Bash, let's hope it's a good one. Both men in the ring, for no reason other than the fact that writing those intros takes so much valuable time.
Tyr to start off against Sasquatch. Sasquatch holds up two hands for the test-o'-strength, but Tyr doesn't think that's very funny, having only one hand. The Circus Freaks thought it was funny, though. Tyr kicks Sasquatch in the midsection, then applies a neckbreaker. Tyr with a camel clutch. Sasquatch reaches the ropes. Tyr with a shoulderbreaker, but Sasquatch is much too powerful to sell that. Tyr with a bodyslam, and Sasquatch changes it to a roll-up...1...kickout. Tyr tags to Thor.
Thor picks up Sasquatch and tosses him at Dizzy D. Both men go stumbling off the apron. Odin gives a mighty laugh. Sasquatch picks up Odin and dropkicks him! Thor doesn't stand for it, and gives Sasquatch a top-rope dropkick of his own on Sasquatch! Outside-the-ring brawl, and the ref counts 4...5...6...7...8...both men are back in the ring. Sasquatch tags out.
Dizzy headbutts Thor in the midsection. As Thor tries to wipe off the excretions, double-D gives Thor a corkscrew hurricanrana! Amazin'! Da cover: 1...2...Thor kicks out. Thor not happy. Thor heaves Dizzy high in the air, then catches him and gives an around-the-world backbreaker! Was that a snap I heard?
Nope, I'm just eating celery here.
NO FOOD OR DRINKS IN THE ANNOUNCER'S BOOTH! CAN'T YOU READ?!
Oh please. Let's get back to the match. All four men brawling inside the ring. It's chaos! The ref admonishing both teams, like that ever helps, and the order is restored. Tyr and Sasquatch are once again the legal men. Sasquatch knees Tyr, and Tyr drops. Sasquatch going for the Saskatchewan Stomp...he hits it! Tyr is groaning at the weight! Sasquatch with the cover: 1...2...Thor stops the count. The ref admonishes Thor. Sasquatch tags Dizzy D. Dizzy comes in and holds Tyr for Sasquatch to hit. Sasquatch winding up...Tyr ducks and Sasquatch hits his partner! Dizzy D is down! Tyr with the pin...1...2...3! And the Circus Freaks' title reign has come to a grinding halt.
Here are your winners, and NEEEEEEEW STWF tag team champions...THE WARRIOR GODS!
Here come Bohemoth and ThatGuy to do some post-match damage, but that's not going to get their belts back.
Okay, they're out of the ring area...and just in time, I'm so excited! IT'S TIME...FOR THE BUNKHOUSE....'BLIVION...BRAWL! Here's Announcer Lad to tell you how this is going to work.
These are the rules of the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl. Two men will start. Every minute, two more men will enter, until all sixty men have entered. To eliminate someone you must roll them UNDER THE BOTTOM ROPE. No pinfalls or submissions will count. Everyone is permitted weapons of choice, but we've done that to death. Last man in the ring is declared the first-ever STWF North American champion. Now...ARE YOU REAAAAAAAAADYYYYYY TO BRAAAAAAAWL?!
For purposes of simplicity and to cut down on space, only I will be doing commentary here. Both Jamal and Cap have left; and they both agreed to this. Now let's see who our first two competitors are...
It's the New Olympian, Ben Matera and Playboy Cartel of Generation X! Matera's opted to use barbells, while Cartel has gone with the ever-versatile chain. Matera swings and misses. Cartel tries to strangle Matera but Matera ducks. Matera gives Cartel a good one in the shoulder. Cartel whips Matera in the legs! General brawling, and the crowd counting down, let's see who's next!
Stealth Bomber enters with a steel anchor! Lester Leary not far behind. He sports his golden mic, and one of Rimshot's cymbals. A shield, maybe?
Leary smacks Bomber in the head with the golden mic. Bomber sweeps out Cartel's legs with the anchor and slams it on him! Lester Leary now attacking Matera with that mic, putting the cymbal in his face and striking it with the mic for a painful ear effect. Stealth Bomber and Matera going at it now...Stealth Bomber drops the anchor on Matera! Picks it up...Matera is out cold. Bomber rolls him out of the ring at 1:50 for our first victim!
OddJobber appears with his razor hat and a shovel? Now who's this? Oh right, out-of-fed import known as Hotrod. He's got a whip and a chain...the chain looking mighty popular today.
Hotrod scourging Lester Leary with both his weapons! Lester Leary is down! Hotrod pulls out a pair of brass knuckles from his trunks and punches Leary out at 3:10. Cartel working over OddJobber with his chain...now a chain face-off between Cartel and Hotrod! Stealth Bomber is caught in the crossfire. Hotrod and Cartel both drop from their melee. Down, but not out.
Julio with broken beer bottles! El Spheros, a Mexico Unlimited partner, with a pair of sabres! This could get bloody...
Julio slices up Stealth Bomber in the arm. Cartel gets up and strangles OddJobber with the chain! OddJobber drops, Cartel rolls him away at 4:20. Look behind you, Playboy! Stealth Bomber with the...ooooh. That had to hurt. Stealth Bomber takes out Cartel just ten seconds after Cartel gets OddJobber out. El Spheros backs Hotrod into the ropes with the sabres. He slices near the head, Hotrod ducks, El Spheros kicks him out of the ring at 4:40. Bomber looking a little winded carrying that anchor, but can still drop it on Julio's foot.
Mr. Clean of the Sanitation Crew enters with a mop - of course. Therriault of the Inevitables with a whip, also popular, and a rubber stamp? Okay... Clean and Julio duking it out. Mr. Clean cracks the mop over Julio's head. Julio cuts Mr. Clean in the face! He's not Clean anymore! Julio dumps Clean from the ring at 5:40. GST just about to finish off Julio, but he's saved by El Spheros! El Spheros gives GST a slice in the leg for trying to remove his friend. But maybe there shouldn't be friends in the big brawl.
Eastside enters with a rake? He never chose a weapon, so he got stuck with a garden implement as promised. Thor right behind with his Warhammer. Eastside getting stamped by GST, everyone else is picking on Thor! There goes Eastside at 6:40, and Thor is reluctantly removed by everyone in the ring, just as the
Westside with a hoe - he had the same problem as Eastside. Très Sheik with his hookah and perfume. He's opted for the blindness techniques. Stealth Bomber still there, and he slams GST. Sheik sprays perfume in Julio's eyes, Julio is blind, and there he goes at 7:20. Westside does the honors of removing GST from the scene at 7:40. El Spheros and Stealth Bomber about to go at it when...
Here's Switch of the Techie Salesmen from Hell! He's got a computer monitor. And here's ICCTINACBBIC champ Col. "Pops" Khorne with a plastic tray and a bag of kernels, for all the good that's doing. General in-the-ring chaos ensuing with our six men...but wait? What's that smell? It smells like...gas.
OH GOD! It's Buzz Redwood, the sociopathic lumberjack! He's got a gas-powered chainsaw! Everyone eliminates themselves trying to escape! El Spheros is the only exception...he can't roll under the bottom rope, he's too round! Buzz Redwood cuts the ropes and El Spheros is out at 9:10. Friar "Buck" was the second entrant, with his staff, but he decided to wait a bit before entering. They're wrestling for control of the chainsaw.The chainsaw is out of the ring now, so no lasting damage can be done.
It's the Organ Grinder, who's returned after a long stint in Germany. He's got a hand organ. Helmut, the eyepatch-wearing monkey, waits at ringside. Gruff, an ECCWF import who has just signed a contract with us, enters with a sheepskin whip with barbs on it. Whips are VERY popular today. The Friar hits Gruff with the staff. Gruff whips Friar "Buck" heavily. Oh, the Friar shouldn't mind, isn't that what monks do to themselves? Buzz Redwood takes the Grinder's Organ and hits him with it! Grinder grabs it back and does the same.
It's Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando with a side of beef! And Sugarplum Harry, with a wand and his bag of pixie dust. Both new entrants receive punishment from the ones already in the ring. Sugarplum Harry nails the Organ Grinder with the wand. Gary Gourmando goes for Gruff, nailing him with that cowslab! Organ Grinder and Sugarplum brawling heavily now, both trying to put the other under the ropes. But that'll have to wait, because the...
Here come Bohemoth and StreetMime! Bohemoth has his patented cane and steel helmet. StreetMime appears to have a whole arsenal of imaginary weapons! They're no help at all though, because Sugarplum Harry just dumped his ass out of the ring ten seconds after he shows! Bohemoth headbutts Gary with his helmet, so Gary turns around and throws the beef at Sugarplum Harry! As strips the whole side of beef from the bones in mere seconds, Gary legdrops him and takes back the bones, a very interesting weapon indeed. Gruff just hanging on the ropes...he gets back inside. Gruff gets a good hit on Gary Gourmando. And Bohemoth nails the Organ Grinder with the white cane, but two more join the ring...
Sasquatch and BILL hit the ring. BILL has crutches - small wonder there - and Sasquatch has an electric cattle prod with live wire...he's spending some time attaching it to the rope, that could cost him... Friar "Buck" gives Bohemoth a smack right between the legs! Ouch! The Friar does the same to Gary Gourmando! And now Sasquatch! The Friar is on a roll! Buzz Redwood and Bohemoth going at it...Bohemoth bumps Gruff right out of the ring at the 13:50 mark. Gary Gourmando just hanging on as the...
It's Ryan Deane, another import! He looks scared as hell! He's blubbering something about a bomb? He jumps in and rolls out of the ring, then runs off through the crowd...weird... OH MY GOD! THATGUY HAS A TIME BOMB STRAPPED TO HIS CHEST! HE'LL KILL EVERYBODY! The ring is completely cleared. Both Harry and Bohemoth aren't so lucky, they went over the top and are forced to go back in. The bomb goes off - it was a prank bomb! It has a little sign that says "Ka-Boom!" ThatGuy is laughing... so is Bohemoth...Sugarplum Harry blows his dust in Bohemoth's eyes and applies the Nutcracker! He tries to roll him out of the ring, but ThatGuy stops him.
It's Presto Cadabra of the Entertainment Industry, he's got his lead wand and a handkerchief rope. And is that the Junkyard Dog? No, it's Identity Crisis Man, back from therapy. I guess he's trying out the JYD's gimmick, despite the fact that ICM is white. He's using - surprise - another chain. Presto hits ICM with the wand. Bohemoth trying to push Harry out of the ring...Presto and ICM now double-team ThatGuy, and I don't blame them.
HERE COMES THE CHAMP! IT'S IRONMAN! Hold on, he doesn't have a weapon! Whatever...he's joined by "Hi" Interestrate of the Finance Department. Ironman gives a martial arts kick to Cadabra. Harry rolls Bohemoth right out of the ring, and we've lost another odds-on favourite. Identity Crisis Man attacks Harry from behind and rolls HIM out, saying "Thump!" Oh that's terrible. "Hi" working on ThatGuy, who's visibly winded after the double-team. Presto Cadabra assists now and removes ThatGuy, and here come two more guys!
I only see one guy...José. Oh, the other one must be Invisiblo, who doesn't have a weapon because he wants to remain hidden. Good strategy. José doesn't have a weapon either, but there's so many abandoned weapons...he takes Stealth Bomber's anchor. José takes "Hi" down a notch with the anchor, and "Hi" responds with that bar of Bre-X gold he's got taped to his fist. Identity Crisis Man bumped Invisiblo...but now he's mysteriously being forced out...he's safe again, and the same happens to José! ICM fights back and tries to get Invisiblo. Looks like one of the hits landed.
It's "The Chinese Spic" Pedro Chang, with his barbed-wire bat he always carries...but it's been done now. And newcomer, and my personal "DarkHorse" pick, Anarchy. He sports a pair of metal gauntlets. Anarchy, former ECCWF champion, gives Ironman a good punch. "Hi" Interestrate just took ICM out of the ring at the 18:20 mark. Pedro gets a good hit from behind, most probably from Invisiblo. "Hi" takes out José now! Interestrate is doin' great! Pedro Chang sticks the bat in Presto's hat. Close call for Cadabra!
Jimmy Cain, with yet another bat, hits the ring. Now here comes the notorious CARETAKER! He's got a buffer. Presto just hanging on the ropes...is he gone? POOF! He's back in the ring and okay. Anarchy gives Pedro some nice metal punches. The Caretaker buffing all over Jimmy Cain. Cain gets up, sees the opportunity, and kicks "Hi" Interestrate clear into the iron railing! Ironman found Invisiblo, and he's giving him some hard kicks.
We're at our twentieth minute here...but it seems like forever, doesn't it? It's Jim Dewey of the Capital Punishers, and he's got the trusty Haliburton. And former champ DOOM, who has a bat (sheesh!), spiky pads, and a MEATHOOK! Where's Gary Gourmando when you need him? Jim Dewey knocks air with the Haliburton, but that could have been Invisiblo! Pedro and the Caretaker going at it...Presto Cadabra strangling Jimmy Cain with the handkerchiefs...DOOM knocks Invisiblo - I swear you can almost see him! - and then focuses his attentions on Ironman, just like before.
"Plasmatic" Peter Thompson hits the ring with an IV stand. Pepe bounces up to the ring with Pogo-stilts! Those are illegal! How did he get those? And this ring is getting crowded. Anarchy slamming on Jim Dewey, who's using his suitcase for protection. The Caretaker buffing Pepe...but he's NAILED from behind with Pedro Chang's bat! Home run! Caretaker is outta here at the 21:40 mark. DOOM rips a good chunk out of "Plasmatic" with the meathook. Good think PPT brought some blood with him, 'cause he could be a goner! Jim Dewey is rolled out of the ring by the mysterious Invisiblo, and here comes two more to fill the void!
It's Tyr from the Warrior Gods, he's got a morning star attached to his missing hand, and of course his sword. "Black" Jack Dealer, the PMCW lightheavyweight champ for about two weeks ending today, has a deck of razor-cards, and of course, a blackjack. Ironman takes a few hits on Jack Dealer...Anarchy tries to take Presto out of this, but Jack Dealer stops him. DOOM beats on Pepe, and "Plasmatic" helps Ironman in beating on Dealer.
Here comes Larry Lowbrow with Rimshot's drumsticks, and Distruct with nunchukas and a pair of handcuffs. Kinky...sorry about that. Pedro Chang tries to take down Presto, who's been here for a good long time, but this time Larry Lowbrow stops him. Tyr pretending to roll Invisiblo out...oh! He IS out! Anarchy beats on Larry Lowbrow with a nice metal uppercut. Tyr now focusing on DOOM, with a swing of the morningstar. Pepe's PogoStilt snaps off, and it rockets right at Peter Thompson, who's blasted right out of the ring!
Preacher with his Bible and walking staff hits the ring. Behind him is Aboriginal 1 with a can of WD40, whatever that'll do. Jimmy Cain hits Anarchy with the bat, causing minor damage. Larry Lowbrow now taking on Tyr with those drumsticks. Pedro takes a NASTY cut at the hands of Jack Dealer's razor ace. Presto, Larry and Jack all team up and slap Tyr around, they don't want big guys here! Distruct about to remove Pedro, but Ironman makes the save.
It's the Asswhupper, with a garden hose...looks like he forgot to choose a weapon too. Mark Cheatham of the Capital Punishers right behind him with another Haliburton. Mark Cheatham is competitor number 50...ten more to go. But there's fourteen guys in the ring! Something's gotta snap soon! Distruct takes down Preacher a notch with the nunchukas. Oh no, Pepe's PogoStilt snapped again, and Presto Cadabra's magic won't save him this time! What a weapon! Anarchy pummels the Asswhupper just inches away from elimination! Tyr takes a big swing at Mark Cheatham, and he's out cold. Aboriginal 1 slaps Preacher upside the head for minimal damage. Doom and Distruct fighting now, Doom's in control.
Minute number 26, wow. Mr. Rage and Judge to the ring. Mr. Rage has a spiked Jak - hey, I just announce 'em. Judge of course with his gavel and Constitutional Tome. DOOM about to throw Ironman out, but Pedro just barely stops him. Jack Dealer beating Rage with the blackjack, and Rage seems more angry than hurt. Jimmy Cain trying to remove Preacher, and Judge pulls him back. Pepe's PogoStilt snaps again...who will get hit? It's Aboriginal 1! See ya! Mark Cheatham barely conscious, but still knocks Larry Lowbrow in the head with the Haliburton. Preacher wastes no time in cracking Pedro Chang with the walking staff, and booting him into elimination.
It's Bait, the other Techie Salesman from Hell, who has a keyboard, and Dizzy Desi with the giant hammer, and of course, another stupid bat. Get original, people! Jimmy Cain eliminates Ironman! I don't believe it! The PogoStilt snaps for the fourth time, and Tyr is gone! Pepe is certainly a force in this contest! Dizzy near-gone at the hands of Anarchy...Preacher eliminates Larry Lowbrow easily! The Asswhupper turns around, tangles Preacher in the garden hose, and rolls him out of the ring himself!
Uh-oh, it's the Keeper. The definite favourite here, and this late, he could be devastating. He's got his gem-tipped metal wand. Dow Jones of the Finance Department here too, with an old-style stock ticker. Bait executes the deadly MILLENNIUM CRASH on Jack Dealer, who is outta here. Judge slams Rage with the gavel. Dow Jones throws the stock ticker at Pepe, and then eliminates him, as all the wrestlers heave a sigh of relief. Distruct and DOOM still going at it...Distruct seems to be getting an advantage. Cain almost removed by Cheatham, but Rage steps in. And the Keeper's first victim: the Dizzy one. And there's the...
Here come Cube and the Harbinger of Death. Cube has a conga drum, and the Harbinger has a hand sickle, and picked up Jim Dewey's Haliburton for good measure. Judge gives Mark Cheatham a mighty shove, and Cheatham is out of this contest. Judge does the exact same thing to the Asswhupper! Bait smacks the Keeper with the keyboard, doing very little. Distruct and DOOM still going at it, with Distruct still in control. Cube and Harbinger both roll under the ring together, still fighting! Jimmy Cain takes the life out of Bait, but Bait is hanging on.
Our last two competitors this evening...Aboriginal 2, with a useless can of paint thinner, and Michael Wackson, with a good-ol' knuckle duster. Eleven men remain in this contest. DOOM gaining the upper hand over Distruct now. Dow Jones hits the Keeper with the stock ticker, but still not much is done. Michael Wackson nails Judge, and Judge is dazed! Anarchy picks up Aboriginal 2 and tosses him under the ring like an old shoe! A2 is bleeding from hitting the security barrier. Bait executes the MILLENNIUM CRASH on Mr. Rage, but Jimmy Cain saves him from elimination...I think that these stables want to protect their guys to at least bring gold to the stable. Okay, minute 31. No more people showing now. Keeper and Anarchy facing off, and the Keeper is winning. Michael Wackson grabbed the notorious PogoStilts and snaps one, knocking Rage clear under the bottom rope! Dow Jones now piledrives Bait - was that the first technical move? - and Bait is gone. Keeper taking down Anarchy bit by bit. DOOM stops fighting Distruct to work on the weakened Cain. Cain is gone! Keeper now turns to Distruct, and claims yet another victim. Minute 32, and we're down to six men. Anarchy has been in there the longest, followed by DOOM...can they last? Judge bats Dow Jones with the Constitutional Tome, and Dow Jones in all but gone. Michael Wackson snaps the stilt again to finish off Dow Jones! I think the PogoStilt will be banned next year. DOOM gives Judge a backbreaker right on the spiky pads! Ouch! Keeper still working on Anarchy. DOOM rips Michael Wackson a new one with the meathook! Oh my. Five men remain. A group effort to attack the Keeper, but he still seems relatively fresh. He proves this fact by removing Judge. He then turns to Anarchy, who has really been taking the beats from Keeper since he got here. Wackson snaps Pepe's PogoStilt again, and now DOOM feels the brunt, for seven men taken down by this formidable weapon. Anarchy doesn't want to be next. He gives Michael Wackson a nice metal punch, and we're down to our final two. Keeper pokes Anarchy with the gem on his wand. Anarchy just brawling, to get at Keeper. Keeper looks to be in control, Anarchy is back in control, this is too close to call! Keeper kicks Anarchy, who's hanging on the ropes...Anarchy pulls Keeper down, and both men are brawling and hanging! Anarchy fumbling at his boot - what's this? A secret weapon? YES! Anarchy gently clamping something in his hand...what is it? IT'S A GIANT TARANTULA! He places it on Keeper's hand! The spider bites! Keeper falls, and the North American champion has been crowned after thirty-five minutes and forty-eight seconds of mayhem!
Here is the winner of the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl, and the FIRST-EVER STWF NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION, ANARCHY!
They're bringing out the belt, and what a beauty it is! This has been one fantastic match...I don't know what to say. Wow. Next week on Monday Nae Trous, you'll see all kinds of debuts, including Dr. Snare, Gruff, Anarchy, and the Dangerous Bombs will square off against Los Gringos Locos. Until then, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, goodnight, and thank you for ordering the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl.
(c) 1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre