(Interior of the Large Dome. It's PACKED. Not necessarily with people, though. Large fireworks display starts the show, and not just the sparklers and flare guns, either. This is the mid-grade quality stuff right here, baby! Loud pop as the commentators reach the booth.)
Welcome everyone to the biggest event of the year! Next to SUPERCARD of course. But right now, it's the biggest! Because 75 men with weapons, that's pretty big! I'm here with Jamal Tupac Mustafa. Captain Twilight couldn't be with us because he's participating in the Brawl!
Thass right, V. He gonna be da first man in da ring. Thass juss luck though, somebody gotsta draw numba 1.
Quite true, and similarly somebody gets to draw number 75. I still don't know who that is; you'd think they'd trumpet it from the highest rafter.
I dunno, V, mebbe they wantsta keep it a secret so's they don't get punked in da locker room.
Very insightful, I never thought of that. When the new Intergalactic Belt is up for grabs, it can get really cutthroat! Over the course of this program, folks, we'll be showing you some clips of our wrestlers as they show off their stuff. Because we've got three preliminary matches, and plenty of time to fill in between them.
Yo, our first match is fo' da ICCTINACBBIC belt. Champ Très Sheik is takin' on Irving Goldstein.
What a win it would be if Goldstein took that belt. He'd have two belts at once!
This contest is set for one fall, and is for the Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close" belt. Entering first, the challenger, weighing in at a gaunt 115 lbs., and representing the not-quite-stable of the Old Boys' Network, here is IRVING GOLDSTEIN!
Voiceover: Old-Old-Old-Old-Old-Old-Old Boys'Network.
("Hava Nagila" plays. Irving runs to the ring and bounces off the ropes.)
And his opponent, the champion, accompanied by the Rogue and representing his Gallery, the Exorbitant Arab, TRÈS SHEIK!
("Supermodel" on a sitar and tabla play as the Sheik enters. He's carrying a gigantic jewel-encrusted scepter.)

Look at da size o' dat! He gotta carry it wit' two hands!
It's safe to say that the Sheik has found his weapon for the Brawl later tonight. Do you know what Goldstein's weapons are, Jamal? I saw you snooping around back.
Yeah, so? Okay, I saw a menorah, but I don't know what he got in his otha hand cause all else I saw in his locka was some funky bagel-type deal.
Whatever. I think the match is ready to...
***bell rings.
Goldstein and Très Sheik lock up. The Rogue looking really confident that his charge is going to retain the belt. Sheik driving that shoulder right into the arm socket of Goldstein repeatedly. He's working that arm really nicely, and if the old Jewish guy doesn't rally, he might be going into the Brawl with a dislocation!
No, it's not cool. Besides, what do you care, you're not in the Brawl. Sheik with a stepping side kick to Goldstein's head. Irving drops and the Sheik covers: 1...2...kickout.
I thought he had 'im.
Of course you did; that's why I do the play-by-play and you're just doing colour. Irving Goldstein up now. He clotheslines the Sheik. And now an elbowdrop. And another one! The Sheik gets up and shakes the hits off. Both men in a lock up once more. Irving gets the advantage and he moves into a side headlock. Irving with some closed fists and the ref warns the OBN member. Irving switches arms on the side headlock and DDT!
Whoa! The old guy's got some fight!
He covers: 1...2...kickout by the Sheik. Sheik's up. The Exorbitant Arab with a Russian legsweep. Boston Crab by the Sheik....Goldstein reaches the ropes. The hold is broken. Irving Goldstein gets a second wind! Look at the flurry of hits. Left! Right! Left! Right! Right! Wind up....right, no left! Très Sheik walked right into the fake. He's down! Irving Goldstein does a handstand, and then slams down on the Sheik's knee.
Here comes Jeffrey Steingold!
It seems they've been feuding as of late despite being co-holders of the Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver tag belts. Steingold has a pair of candlesticks, and I think he knows how to use them. Here comes Captain Twilight to play the peacemaker. Both Steingold and the Cap are up on the apron and they're struggling over the candlesticks.
Candlesticks? Who do they think they are, Colonel Mustard and Professor Plum?
Irving Goldstein is moving over to argue with Steingold. Cap accidentally loses his grip on one of the candlesticks, and Irving Goldstein just got brained with it! The Sheik slaps on the Camel Clutch right away, but the damage has been done. Goldstein submits! And he would have had the belt if it wasn't for Steingold's interference.
Here is your winner, TRÈS SHEIK!
Proof once again, that we've got the power, baby, 'cause we own the WORLD! HA-LA!
I'm so sick of that catchphrase. Well, Jamal, I suppose it's time to look at some of our competitors today. Top picks, darkhorses, outsiders, care to set up this montage, Jamal?
Sho'. I went around with the Kamera Kid to see what we could find. And yo', there's some coo' stuff goin' down.

(the reel starts)
Yo, are we on? Coo'. I'm Jamal Tupac Mustafa, in da lockaroom, and I'm gettin' ready ta talk ta some of our competitors tanite. Heah's one now. It's B.F. Sack. Yo Sack! You one of da top picks goin' in. Can we see yo' weapons?
Sack: I'd like to keep it a surprise. Hey, have you seen Grady anywhere? I can't locate him, and for the first time ever I actually WANT to find him.
Sorry, dude, can't help y'all.

Yo, nex'up, we gots Bohemoth. Wassup big Bo?

Bohemoth: Oh, hi. Kind of missed you there, what with my one good eye. Just getting ready. Santa gave me a lot of coal this year - very funny - so I thought I'd put it to good use. Care to help me fill this up?
(he starts piling coal into a burlap sack and creates a small cloud of coal dust)
*cough* No thanx, man, I gots a lotta udda people t'talk to.

Yo, iss Bill Murtough! Roughrider got next. Wassup cowboy? You psyched?

Murtough: No. Did you see this memo I got? DID YOU? Look at this. I just got screwed by the Right Hand Man and Der Kommissaar. The RHM had it out for me since I started up my own law-enforcement stable - he thinks that's his department! - and Der Kommissaar thinks I called him stupid for some reason. So they said there's a thousand-dollar bounty on my elimination. Can you believe it?!
Well yeah. Hey, fo' a thousand bucks I'd step outta the announcers' booth and kick yo' butt out m'self! Yo, put that down, homey, I was just jokin'! No, man, put it down! AHHHH! (he runs)

Well, I gotta find somebody safer now. Dat Roughrider's crazy! Yo, theah's StreetMime. Yo MIME! Wassup? Watchoo got fo' da Brawl?

(StreetMime points to a bunch of imaginary weapons and makes gestures)
StreetMime:" "
Well, uh, thanx man. Thass it fo' now, but I gots plenty mo' later!

You really know how to ask the hard questions, Jamal.
Shut up.
This contest is a three-way match. Entering first, from Parts Concealed, weighing 200 lbs. and representing the Inner Circle, TYRONE MAYHEM!
("Regulate" by Warren G plays as Mayhem enters to a loud pop. He has a Canadian-flag T-shirt and a red Roots hat (as worn by the Canadians at the Winter Olympics). The crowd is confused but nonetheless appreciative of seeing Mayhem in action again.)

Looks like Tyrone spent that Canadian Shoot-For-Loot money after all.
Next, from Manhattan, New York and weighing 113 lbs., from the "unstable" Old Boys' Network, here is JEFFREY STEINGOLD!
Voiceover: 4-What's-Left-of-Yer-Life.
("The Dreidel Song" plays as the skinny old Jewish guy makes his way down the aisle. He has his tag belt over his shoulder. Medium pop.)
And finally, from Parts Forgotten...

(douja appears on the Monstron, in front of a Chromakey made up to look like the interior of a jet.)
douja: huh huh..i can't make it yo' lear jet from hollywood was delayed so i cain't make it yet..i should be around in time fo' da brawl, but y'all have to fight by yo'selves. huh huh..(lights up as the screen goes blank)
Okay, fine, skip that last part then.
***bell rings.
Mayhem and Steingold ready to go. Dropkick by Mayhem off the bat! Steingold is pushed right to the ropes. Chops by Mayhem get this crowd riled up. He bounces Steingold off the ropes. Steingold with a duck-down, barely missing that clothesline. He uses the momentum of the ropes, and gives Tyrone a crossbody block. Mayhem is down. 1...kickout.
One offensive move an' yo' coverin'. Pathetic.
Steingold goes for a kick. Tyrone Mayhem grabs the leg and pushes him down. Spinning toehold by Mayhem. He lets go, figuring that move sucks anyway. Mayhem turns his opponent over and punishes him with a series of elbowdrops on Jeffrey's back. What quickness!
What boredom! When do we get to da Brawl?!
These fans are getting pretty antsy too. But remember, after this there's still one more preliminary match. Besides, the bar owners must be happy because these crummy matches mean the patrons buy more drinks. Wait! Irving Goldstein is entering the ring with a chair, and does he look angry! Why isn't the ref stopping this? It looks like Goldstein's going to exact revenge right now.
Are those Goldstein chants comin' from da PA?
Of course; you'd think the audience would start one up themselves? He lifts the chair high over his head. Look at the size of Steingold's eyes! OH NO! Irving Goldstein just nailed Tyrone Mayhem! What a double-cross! What a set-up!
What a cliché!
So what if it was? Steingold makes the cover: 1....2........3! Steingold has just attained number-one contendership to that belt.
So whas that make Goldstein?
Good question. It seems a few things will have to be fleshed out after this pay-per-view is done.
I gots some mo' interviews to show y'all. Wanna see?
Sure, we've got some time before the Violent Pacifist and Dr. Snare show up.

Are we still rollin'? Coo'. So check it, I'm heah wit' SupaRassla. Whatchoo got fo' da Brawl, homes?
Supe: Huh? Are you asking about my weapons? Well, I can't show ALL my secrets. But look at this great cape of invisibility! I put it on, and nobody can see me! (he puts it on. Nothing happens.)
I can still see y'all, m'brotha.
You can still see the CAPE, but you can't see me! It's brilliant!
Uh...whatever you say, homey.
See? I could pants the Kamera Kid, and he'd never know who did it!
Kamera Kid: Hey!

What about Plemmy? Watchoo got fo' him?
SW: I just hope that I can finish him off once and for ALL! I'm praying that we meet in the ring so I can put him to rest.
Well good luck.

Okay, so check it. Dis is Sergeant Genocide. He useta be from da WWN, but now he one of us! He a big man! Da Sarge is large an' in charge!

Sergeant Genocide: I could exterminate you with one leg.
Whoa, I'm sure you could. So, you gonna take everyone out o' what? What number you get? Anythin' high?
No. Those pigs put me in as number 6. But make no mistake, they will all crumble and fall to me. There is some cleaning up to do, and with my big sickle, I will separate the wheat from the chaff.
Yo, thass a big sickle alright.

Hey yo, I gots an interview wit' da whole Entertainment Industry!

Rimshot: Alright, ya mug, make it quick.
So, how's it look goin' inta da Brawl? Any phat weapons? Any fresh strategies?
Presto Cadabra: I'll give everyone something they've never seen before. And with my late entry, it'll be MAGIC!
Presto, we seen yo' tiger before, an' she even rassled. It ain't no surprise.
(Presto hangs his head)
"Black" Jack Dealer: Now look what you went and did. Get out, or I'll make you so afraid of playing cards you'll never con anyone at three-card monte again!
(he readies a few razorcards. Jamal runs)

Grumps. Yo, where's Sweet Candy Andy at? Yo ANDY!
SCA: Wassup, m'brotha?
Hey man! Yo' ladies are lookin' FIIIIINE!
Well, you KNOW y'all can get 'em wholesale 'cause you an' I go way back.
Uh, Kamera Kid? Take a break.

Are you making deals with Sweet Candy Andy?
Thass none o' yo' damn bidniss.
This contest is set for one fall and is for the STWF North American Championship. Entering first, the Challenger, from Jackson, Tennessee and weighing in at 265 lbs., DOCTOR SNARE!
("Paranoia" by Black Sabbath plays as Dr. Snare walks down the ring. Kandi trots happily behind.)
And his opponent, the champion, from Seattle, Washington and weighing 330 lbs., THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
("Closer" by Nine Inch Nails plays. Mothers cover their kids' ears as appropriate. Apart from that, pretty significant pop.)

***bell rings.
Alright! We're ready to go. Just one more match and the Brawl will be upon us. Snare and the VP in a test-o'-strength. The VP wins, and no surprise, he's got a nice weight advantage. The Pacifist picks up the Doctor and slams him back down to the mat. He straddles Snare now...
Bad idea.
Ouch! Snare brings a leg up and the Pacifist is singing soprano! Snare up and he slaps on a neckbreaker. Nice move. He goes to the middle rope. Kneedrop. The cover: 1...and the VP catapults Snare face-first into the buckle. Pacifist now with a spinning back kick. Snare collapses. The Violent Pacifist drags the Doctor to the middle of the ring. Kandi distracting the Pacifist now...
She nothin' but trouble.
Oh! She clocks the VP with her high-heeled shoe!
Since when is a ladies' shoe somethin' ya use as a foreign object?
Don't go there. Snare up and pummelling the Pacifist. He puts the Violent Pacifist in a backbreaker! The cover: close but no. Snare sets up the Pacifist for the ride, and a big boot! Shoulderblock by Snare. 1...2...the VP gets the shoulder up. Sir Hungalot is moving down the aisle.
Oh come on! Is EVERY match gonna have a screwjob ending heah tanite?
Sorry. Sir Hungalot has a bowling ball! But wait, Kandi tries to stop him by throwing hot coffee in his face! But Big Sir isn't fazed at all.
He probably useta havin' hot substances splashed on his face.

This PPV is rated TV-14 for mature subject matter. Parents, get your kids to bed. The Brawl would be too violent for them anyway.

PLEASE don't go THERE. The knight in latex armor levels the Pacifist with the bowling ball, and the ref is throwing this match out.
Oh, so THAT one he saw.
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner as a result of a disqualification, THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
These matches all stunk, yo.
Fear not, nobody will even remember them after they see the splendor that is the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl.
I dunno, man, some feds, d'undercard's real good!
Are those the same feds that can't pull off a main event if they tried? Don't answer that.
I gots da final set o'interviews. Less have a looksee.

Yo, I been axed t'talk t'some of our udda outsidahs. We gots Burp da Cuddlesaurus and Curtis Faust from MCW here. Welcome guys. So, you like yo' chances goin' inta dis?

Curtis: It doesn't matter if we win or not. We're here to show the world just what MCW can do! And our entrance is brought to you by Pipsa(TM). Mmm boy.
Burp: We're going to make a big, fat, purple dent in the STWF tonight! Come on, Curtis, help me out with this barbed wire here. There's still a spot on my tail I missed.

Yeah, nice talkin' to ya.

Dis here's L-Mo from da Big Dawg Championship Rasslin'. Yo Drunken Muppet! Watchoo got planned fo' us tanite?

L-Mo: Mini-scythe.
Thass IT? Come on, y'all can do better.
Oh yeah. Powerdrill, too. Help me try it out?
I'll pass, yo. Good luck.

Alright, heah's Maverick. He ain't got no fed right now.

Maverick: And just what are you implying by THAT?! HUH?! You trying to say I'm not good enough for any fed, is THAT what you're saying?! Come on, you want some of me? I'll take you right now! STEP UP!
Dude, chill, I ain't implyin' none o' dat.
Don't get defensive with me! Come on, man, take your best shot! COME ON!
Whoa! (muttering) Psycho.
Ahhh! I'm outie. I'm gonna find me a nice friendly-lookin' guy.

Yo, iss Clod "Lightnin' Fingaz" Leroux.

Claude: It's pronounced with a long "o" sound, eh? Claude.
Coo'. So Clod, you gonna play somethin' fo' us on da squeeze box?
Claude: Maybe after the match, eh? I gotta tune it up so it's in fighting condition.
You gonna FIGHT wit' dat?
Of course. Okay, though, you want a song? I'll do something quick.
(he plays the first few bars of "O Canada")
Not bad. So what wuz dat, Lady o' Spain or sumpin'?
Gee, like I should know.

You know, Jamal...
Shut up, don't even finish dat sentence.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the time we've all been waiting for. Here is how the following match will proceed: We will start with two men in the ring. Every minute, two more men will enter the ring. Trust me, with weapons flying everywhere, people get eliminated quickly. There won't be much build-up. Eliminations are made by rolling an opponent under the bottom rope. The last person left in the ring will be our winner, and the first-ever STWF INTERGALACTIC CHAMPION. No ranged weapons will be allowed. Are you ready?
(crowd pops)
(crowd pops really loudly)
(huge pop)
At this time, let me introduce the competitor who drew number one.

We know Captain Twilight drew number one from last Monday.
Voiceover: Here I come to save the day!
(The theme from the "Twilight Zone" plays as Captain Twilight emerges. He has a trident and a large fishing net. He shakes some hands and enters the ring.)
Well, he did say he would make it the gladiatorial contest it should be.
Ladies and gentlemen, competitor number two!
("Nacho Man" by the Village People and re-done plays. Out comes Tortilla Tito with a large sack of corn.)

Tortilla Tito made it out of deportation to be here for this one momentous occasion!
As long as it just da one.
There's celebrity timekeeper George "Goober" Lindsay to ring the opening bell.
***bell rings.
Captain Twilight sticks Tito with his trident right off the bat! What a gash that left. Tito counters with a big whomp on the head with the bag of corn. Captain shakes off the cobwebs...
And they's plenny o' those...
He snares Tito in the net! It's short work tossing Tito out now! Captain Twilight has twenty seconds to recoup. He's showboating now, looking at a pretend watch and making beckoning signals.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
It's Sasquatch and Aboriginal 2! Sasquatch has a massive tree branch and a trusty chain, while A2 thinner.
Wow. Nice weapon there.
Sasquatch with one swipe of the tree branch takes out Captain Twilight! And there goes Aboriginal 2! Within ten seconds, Sasquatch has now become the only man in the ring. He's got fifty seconds to wait, and he's in a great position right now.
Mind if I join you?
There's always a seat for you in the announcers' booth, Cap.
Hahahaha! You suck!
At least I was good enough to be in it.
Low blow, old man.
Please! It's almost time for our next wrestlers to show up. We know Sergeant Genocide is one. We'll see what he can do.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
The other competitor is Jeffrey Steingold, pulling double-duty, and you have to wonder if fatigue is a factor. He's got his large shabbat candles, and Sarge of course with the big sickle.
Look at Sergeant Genocide go! Sasquatch takes a slice. Steingold tries to take the Sarge from behind and gets jabbed with the handle. Genocide swings the sickle like a golf club, and Jeffrey Steingold goes rolling out of the ring! Wow!
Sasquatch takes another jab. The mighty Circus Freak lets out a roar and clotheslines the Sergeant with that huge branch!
That gotta hurt. So who got next?
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
It's Irving Goldstein and Sugarplum Harry! Harry of course with the cardboard wand and bag of pixie dust...
An' Goldstein wit' da menorah an' funky bagel!
That's a knish, you meshoogenah!
You've been hanging around the Chosen Ones too long, Cap. Harry with a big fallaway slam on Goldstein. Goldstein kneecaps Sasquatch with the menorah! Everyone trying to keep their distance now. The Sarge with a few failed swings of the sickle. Sasquatch starts choking Genocide with the chain!
Sugarplum Harry sneaks in and blows dust in Sasquatch's eyes! And he's rolled out!
One of our biggest men is out of the match.
But Harry's still in, and he ain't small.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
There's Buzz Redwood with a two-sided axe! It's monstrous! And the NiGhtMare right behind. What's he got in his hands?
It's just his small purple bag of sand. I don't know what he thinks he can accomplish with that.
Irving Goldstein right in there! He crams the stale knish in NiGhtMare's mouth, causing him to choke. Now Irving takes out the NiGhtMare's legs with the menorah, and the NiGhtMare is out just as easily as he went in!
Look out! Harry just leveled Goldstein wit' a belly-ta-belly, an' he's gone! So much fo' yo' Jewish friends.
That's got nothing to do with it. Irving just shouldn't have turned his back, that's all.
Sergeant Genocide and Buzz Redwood clash. Buzz takes a cut in the arm. That'll affect his performance. Harry tries to come in, but he takes a sickle-handle in the gut as well. He slumps in the corner to rest.
Ya know, dem fat guys ain't conditioned too well.
True, but YOU try dislodging 385 lbs. from the corner.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Here comes Bait with bright yellow riot gear.
He looks like an Intel technician guy.
I think that was the point. And right behind him is the massive Iceberg with...a garden hose. Looks like he didn't find any good weapons.
Where would he put them?
Does it matter? He's still tearing up the scene. He's strangling Bait with the garden hose. Bait is quickly losing oxygen...Iceberg tosses him out! Sensing the danger, Sergeant Genocide and Buzz Redwood move in to double-team him. Genocide slices the garden hose into two useless pieces and gives him a cut to boot. Buzz Redwood does the same from the back. Sergeant Genocide moves away to attack Harry for a while - the rest brought back some of Harry's energy.
And Iceberg is using his hose bits as whips! Look at the red stripes appearing on the chest of Buzz!
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
There's Larry Lowbrow, the comedian of the Entertainment Industry. He's got a microphone and Rimshot's hi-hat cymbal.
And dere's Burp da Cuddlesaurus! Lookit all dat barbed-wire!
He's literally covered himself in it! And he has a purple dinosaur doll with pins sticking out of it to boot.
Genocide is still attacking the Pixie King.
Maybe they're something he wants to exterminate?
Who knows? Buzz Redwood swipes at Larry Lowbrow. And there goes Larry! So much for him. Sergeant Genocide switches his attentions to the large dinosaur and tries to cut away some of the barbed wire. It's not really working....and Iceberg finally disloges Harry! Goodbye to another big man.
Okay, 385 lbs. of Harry is gone, but Iceberg is 471!
Wit' da dumbest weapon imaginable.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Sweet Candy Andy with his silver duck's-head cane and a roll of hundreds. He's also sporting metal-backed gauntlets.
Ta give his pimp-slaps extra "oomph".
"Black" Jack Dealer right behind with his famous razorcards, and of course a blackjack. He's also equipped his visor with a razor along the bill.
Burp the Cuddlesaurus maims Iceberg with a mighty swipe of his tail. Buzz Redwood hits "Black" Jack Dealer on the top of the head with his axehandle. Sergeant Genocide tries to hit Sweet Candy Andy, but Andy blocks it with the silver cane! He hooks the sickle's handle with the duck's bill, and pulls heavily. Sergeant Genocide is thrown off balance, and out he goes! The crowd is cheering the pimp.
You GO, boyee!
Genocide is certainly impressive in the ring, but anything can happen to eliminate you!
Jack flings a razorcard at Burp. He's actually found a way to attack him without getting barbed wire cuts! Buzz hits Sweet Candy Andy, and they're going at it now.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Here....comes...BILL! He's taped his fists for an extra six inches of circumference each!
Pretty appropriate.
And Lester Leary has the Golden Microphone(TM) and one of Rimshot's drumsticks. Seven men in the ring now. Buzz Redwood gets BILL right in the leg! He's bleeding! Burp gets Iceberg with the dinosaur doll - right in the face! Burp sweeps Iceberg's legs out and kicks him under the bottom rope! Goodbye Iceberg!
These big men aren't lasting as long as I'd figure they would.
BILL puts a huge taped fist right in Jack's mush! And Buzz Redwood slams the side of his axe into Lester Leary. But Jack and Lester recover to double-dropkick BILL! He's lying perilously close to the bottom rope, but...
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Here comes Sir Hungalot with a sack of two bowling balls. What's it say on the side?
"My balls are bigger"
Oh, very funny.
And the other competitor...ThatGuy! The crowd loves it! The Wheelbarrow Man drops him off...and ThatGuy enters the ring WITH the wheelbarrow!
That'll make eliminations easy.
Jack Dealer knocks ThatGuy on the head with his blackjack. And Lester Leary just tried to eliminate Burp...there he, wait! Burp's barbed wire just saved him! He's hooked onto the bottom rope!
He could just hang there and win!
Sir Hungalot pounds "Black"Jack with his bowling balls, and Jack rolls out of the ring. Now Buzz Redwood is still working on BILL, who's ready to be eliminated, but ThatGuy just pulled Redwood off of BILL. Redwood didn't like that. ThatGuy's chest has been sliced, but ThatGuy doesn't seem to care.
Next to BILL, ThatGuy's probably taken the most bumps in this fed.
What about Tyrone and da Geek? O' StreetMime? Or...
Whatever. Lester Leary lowblows Sir Hungalot with the Golden Mic!
Is this thing on? Hahahaha!
What the hell was that supposed to mean?
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
It's the biggest man in this federation, Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando with a huge side of beef! And Tyrone Mayhem has a flaming nightstick and a tire iron that looks wet.
Phew! What's that stank! Smells like a gas station toilet.
I think we've figured out what's coating the tire iron, then. Good thing Tyrone has gloves on. Buzz Redwood just hacked at BILL's leg again! There's pieces of flesh hanging off, this is disgusting! BILL can't take the pain. He rolls himself out and Buzz Redwood will be credited with that elimination. We're calling in the EMTs now.
They'd better hurry. BILL's losing blood fast!
Gary Gourmando knocks Lester Leary into next week with that gigantic cow carcass. There goes the Industry contingent, save Presto Cadabra, who we'll see near the end if my sources are right.
Mind if I sit in? There's room, right?
Uh...sure, pull up a chair, Jack.
Hahaha! You suck too, Dealer!
I've still got my razorcards, eh?
I'll be good.
Sir Hungalot hits Tyrone with his balls, as it were. Tyrone turns right around and gives Buzz Redwood an axe kick, and baseball slides him out of the ring.
Why hasn't anyone touched that fat dinosaur guy?
Don't dis Gary like dat!
He's referring to Burp the Cuddlesaurus, dolt. And my guess is they don't want to risk injury by touching his barbed wire.
Hey look, there's an answer to your question. ThatGuy is trying now. Burp snaps and clamps on ThatGuy's arm. ThatGuy is trying to dislodge Burp's snout with his sulphuric acid hidden away. The ref is trying to take the acid away, saying it's too close to a ranged weapon! Burp seizes the opportunity and whips ThatGuy with his tail. There goes the Asylum man!
I can't believe that even hooked on the rope, Burp can still eliminate guys. This does not bode well for our fed, eh?
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Can you believe only eleven minutes have passed? Très Sheik has his jewel-encrusted scepter, and here's Chocolate Thunder, cream cones. I'm confused.
I'll field dis one. Choco didn't have no weapons, but Der Kommissaar gave him da cones instead of garden implements, sayin' it was "funnier". So dere.
Thanks for clearing that up. Hey! Here come those EMTs, about time.
Hey, haven't we seen them before?
What do you mean? The EMTs are loading up BILL onto the gurney now and...they nail him some more! BILL is groaning in pain. Both of the medics stand up on the steel barriers and diving headbutts!
Wait, those are the Ambulance Jockeys!
The Sheik attacks Tyrone Mayhem with the scepter, and a good-sized emerald comes loose.
Gary dives to grab it just before it rolls out of the ring. His momentum just dislodged the barbed-wire from the bottom rope, and Burp has been eliminated!
Sir Hungalot moves in to smack Tyrone with his bowling balls, and Sweet Candy Andy gives the Exorbitant Arab a vicious pimp-slap with his metal-backed gauntlets.
BOO-YEAH! Go Candyman!
Let's be objective, please!
No, we're colour commentators; subjectivity is in our contracts.
Très Sheik gets a flaming nightstick in the breadbasket from Tyrone. And Chocolate Thunder takes it in the head from the tire iron! Look at the puss on Choco.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Those Ambulance Jockeys really doing a number on BILL there. But I think they're finally going to give him some medical attention as they're now taking his fist-tape off and using the tape as bandages for his legs. So they're not totally bad.
Here comes SuperWrestler! He's got...a pen? and a toy sword?
He wants ta see which is mightier.
And there's the eccentric Maverick! He's got a coal miner's glove and a medieval-style shield.
And something in his back pocket. I can't see what it is.
Sweet Candy Andy hits Maverick with his cane! Gary Gourmando beats on Très Sheik with that side of beef. Hey, there's a bite missing from it now! SuperWrestler joins the action. He breaks open his pen and spills the ink in the Sheik's eyes! The Sheik is gone, and look at the jewels broken off the scepter as it hits the floor.
That's not very good workmanship.
Chocolate Thunder pierces SuperWrestler with an ice-cream cone. Can this Brawl get any more extreme? Oh, Maverick from behind, he gives Choco a swinging neckbreaker and pulls out that thing from his pocket. It's a pair of nunchukas, and watch Maverick destroy Chocolate Thunder! Choco is outta there! Sir Hungalot nails Maverick in the back of the head. Maverick looks in pretty bad shape now...
Three! Two! One!
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
It's Col. "Pops" Khorne and the Pencil-Necked Geek! Col. Khorne has a wide assortment of military accessories, and the Geek has some razor-sharp CD-ROMs.
How appropriate.
Khorne moves right to work by attacking Big Sir. He slices Sir Hungalot in the arm with a string saw! Meanwhile, Maverick and SuperWrestler are duking it out. Maverick lowblows SuperWrestler! Supe is on the floor, writhing in pain. Maverick goes to pull him up...
Supe was playing possum! He grabs a hold of Maverick and rolls him out of the ring. Maverick grabs the bottom rope but Supe kicks it right off! The Pencil-Necked Geek gives Gary Gourmando something to think about with a hit from a disk, and Sweet Candy Andy moves in to pimp-slap the Col. with those metal gauntlets.
Man, I loves it when he does that!
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Harlequin from Hell is back, and he's got a...necklace made of Froot Loops? And a bag of marbles?
I axed him about dat...dose are the weapons 'e CHOSE!
Interesting. The other man is none other than the KING! It was scheduled to be John Whopper, but he came down with food poisoning at the last minute.
Not surprising.
The King has his steel-toed blue suede shoes, but he didn't have time to pick any other weapons, hence his shovel.
Shovel isn't a bad weapon, Vince.
I guess not. Sir Hungalot has just eliminated SuperWrestler! The knight in latex armor is really doing well! Gary Gourmando sends Harlequin sprawling with the side of beef, now missing two bites.
All dat time in da ring, he gettin' hungry, so?
He could have at least waited to cook it. Tyrone Mayhem gives Sweet Candy Andy a flaming nightstick upside the head! Harlequin from Hell joins the action. He's using his necklace as a garrotte! Look at those Froot Loops fly!
And look at Gary scramble to get 'em.
Sweet Candy Andy has been eliminated by the overpriced Renfest vendor. Col. "Pops" Khorne seizes the opportunity and sticks the Harlequin in the gut with a survival knife! Are those EMTs still around? Khorne forcefully removes the Harlequin.
The Harlequin will be fine. He's a demon, right?
Something like that. And now, the King gives the Geek a stepping side kick right in the kisser with those steel-tipped shoes.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
C.P. Blues arriving on the scene! He has a guitar, inlaid with mother-of-pearl!
Close behind is the ever-unpopular Sunflower. I don't even WANT to know what he's got in store for us. Sir Hungalot is still in this, and he's ready to eliminate Tyrone Mayhem! But wait, the Pencil-Necked Geek just pulled him off! I'm completely confused. Weren't the Geek and Mayhem bitter enemies, at each other's throats? Mayhem looks just as surprised but the Geek smiles at him.
Meanwhile, if you were watching at the other end of the ring, the Sunflower just eliminated the King.
Oh, who cares, this is an angle here! Wait! Khorne, from behind, tosses the distracted Geek out. Tyrone Mayhem looks mad, and gives the Colonel a big swat with the tire iron! Now Gary Gourmando is in this. He goes to the top rope and gives a massive crossbody on Tyrone, and that's it for him. The Geek and Mayhem shake hands, and Mayhem goes on his way?!
Sumpin' is seriously, seriously wack.
The Sunflower moves in and gives Blues a Russian legsweep. And we're ready to see our next competitors...
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
douja finally made it on time. And here comes Dr. Snare as well! He's got his meathook from last year, and a tire iron. First repeat weapon so far. C.P. Blues says "batter up!" and swings at Big Sir. That put him down for the count. Dr. Snare nails Blues with the tire iron and tries to take him out. But there's Col. Khorne to make the save!
Da Gallery sticks together.
Salutations, gents, mind if I sit in?
Only if you change your accent; you sound too much like Jamal.
Darn it, there's just not enough comprehensible accents to go around. But thanks for having me.
So Geek, why did you save Tyrone Mayhem, anyway?
Quite simple, actually. He saved my life at the Monster Bash. He didn't have to take me down after my suspenders got hooked. But he did. And I owe him my life for that. Delaying his demise was just a small part, futile though it was. So from now on, you'll see a new Geek.
We'll see.
Is it getting claustrophobic in this booth, or is it just me? Gary Gourmando hits Snare. Snare has his meathook stuck in the beef now...he tries to wrench it free, and he knocks C.P. Blues in the process! Blues doesn't know what happened, he rolls right out of the ring, and he's singing the Blues. Ha ha!
That wadn't funny.
Col. Khorne puts a compass in his hand for weight, and punches Gary Gourmando! This is legal, folks, anything goes! And Dr. Snare gets the same treatment! The meathook is free now, so watch out, Colonel!
Yeah! He really needs to get his just desserts.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
There's StreetMime and his arsenal of imaginary weapons! that who I think it is?
Probably, but who?
Who, him? Called himself David Turner, da Obsessive.
Looks like Mira Maniac if you ask me.
I guess somebody needed a tune-up at the Image Factory.
Turner has a wirehanger and a pair of lock-cutters, those could really be effective! But wait, there goes douja, out by Col. "Pops" Khorne! And Khorne on a tear! He just tossed out Sir Hungalot, who spent an impressive 8:10 inside that ring being pummelled by weapons.
The Colonel has tossed out four men so far!
The Mime is playing in front of his ally, Dr. Snare. Snare just sniffs and heaves the Mime's sorry carcass out of the ring! I guess this means they're no longer hooked up.
Well gee, I guess not.
Gary the Glutton just put the Colonel in a bearhug! "Pops" slumps to the floor and it's easy work for Gary to take him out. Gary pauses to eat some more beef and get his energy up.
That Glutton has sure spent a lot of time in that ring. Sure he's 650 lbs., but he should be weaker by now.
"The Obsessive" David Turner has just grabbed the Sunflower's nose with the lock-cutters, and heaves him out of the ring!
I didn't even know he was still there, eh?
Only three men remain: Gary, Dr. Snare, and David Turner, but we've got ten seconds before the next two men emerge.
Hey guys, room for one more?
Not really.
Tough. You need some Gallery influence. I might as well stick around, I'm not doing anything else.
Oh boy. You're not a bad announcer, but excuse me if I don't roll out a red carpet.
I never asked you.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Here comes "the Enforcer" Braxton Chane! He's got a nightstick and a pair of handcuffs, how predictable. And close behind is Homicidal Hank! The crowd really likes him, and he himself looks really pumped! His weapon of choice is a nail-studded Barney doll on a chain, and he's wearing a Viking helmet.
Another Barney doll? Wassup widdis?
They were on sale at K-mart. I checked.
What were you doing looking for Barney dolls, eh?
What can I say? Edwina likes stuffed dolls. Nuclear physics, and stuffed dolls.
David Turner scrapes Braxton Chane with the wirehanger. Can he get tetanus from that? Dr. Snare finally rips Gary a good one with his meathook! Gary looks pooped, doesn't he?
Braxton Chane's big chance. It takes all his strength, but he finally manages to heave the gigantic Glutton out of the ring! Listen to that crowd approval!
Gary's time spent in the ring is 8:20, beating out Big Sir by ten seconds.
Homicidal Hank swings the toy and Snare gets hit! David Turner snaps at Hank with the lock-cutters. Wait, Hank's pulling out a hand-taser!
Those aren't legal!
Yes they are. It's not one that shoots out the wire, so it's not a ranged weapon.
Hank gives Braxton Chane the shock of his life! Chane's leg won't stop twitching.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Half of our wrestlers have entered, here comes the next wave. It's Switch from the Techies, and Chris Fry of the Crew.
Switch has bright pink riot gear similar to Bait's earlier, and Chris Fry has some nice soggy burgers. Joy.
Chane has used his twitching leg to his advantage. Look at the speed-kicks he's delivering to Dr. Snare! And Snare is down. Chane rolls him out. Switch has David Turner in a double-chickenwing. You're not going to win that way!
He's wearing him down, wearing him down.
Homicidal Hank whips around his Barney toy. Switch is knocked off of David Turner, and he's out of the ring besides! Now Hank charges at Chris Fry with his Viking helmet! Fry eliminates himself hoping to avoid the mad Hank. Hank will be credited with that elimination. Now Hank zaps David Turner! Turner is outta there! Look at that, Hank takes out three men in less than a minute, and the crowd is loving it!
He's certainly captured their hearts.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
About time. Two men left in the damn ring.
Rodney Ricardo enters first. He stops in the middle of the aisle. The next competitor is...DARREN #3! I can't believe it; Nik at Nyte are entering together! They both have an aggression therapy mallet in each hand.
I axed; they said to keep up a good corporate image dey couldn't be TOO violent.
Yeah, let's see how far it gets these losers. They weren't good enough for the Industry anyway.
Nik at Nyte beating on Braxton Chane. I don't care what anyone says, four padded mallets can still do damage!
Hey folks, how's it going? BRAAAAAAP!
All: Ohhhhh nooooo!
Gary, we've already got six announcers here. It's cramped enough as it is.
So get your fat butt out of here already!
If you're going to take that attitude, I'm staying. Besides, I refuse to be the only one not commentating tonight. That's just not fair. BRAAAAAP! Hey, who wants some beef? I've got plenty.
Well, you're right, I guess it wouldn't be fair. No chairs left, you'll have to stand. Braxton Chane is up and he gives Darren #3 a big lateral press. And now he handcuffs Rodney's hands together and beats him on the back with the nightstick. He's not going to take this abuse from Nik at Nyte anymore.
He forgot about Hank in the ring there. Hank comes in and tosses him away, for his fourth elimination of the night!
Now it's Hank against Nik at Nyte.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
It's MCW's Curtis "the Referee" Faust. Look at his weapons. A rulebook in one hand, a whistle around his neck, flag in the back pocket, wire fencing in his other hand...
And three accompaniments. It's a shame they're not directly attached to him.
And there's Luke Warm! See, he's got the idea. He's fully decked out. Broken bottle of Yoo-Hoo, steel-tipped shoes, he picks up Jack Dealer's razor-visor...
HEY! So that's where it went! Damn it!
And he's even got a young lady on his arm!
That'd be his youngest sister, Phil.
She's not bad looking for a girl named Phil.
Curtis Faust goes to work on Hank. Meanwhile, Luke Warm is ready to toss out Rodney Ricardo! Wait, there's Darren #3 to make the save. Luke Warm squares D3 with his boots and tries to toss him out, but Rodney makes the save this time.
Keep it with the allies. Figure out who'll take the dive later. Or double-cross 'em, either way.
Nik at Nyte give Luke a double-dropkick! Luke goes sprawling into the buckle. Luke jumps right up and cuts Rodney in the face with the Yoo-Hoo bottle! Rodney shields his face, and Luke eliminates him.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Competitors number 45 and 46 on the way. Here's L-Mo of the BDCW with his powerdrill and mini-scythe, but we already knew that. And there's Aboriginal 1 with a half-empty whiskey bottle.
Go A1! You da man!
*snicker* Yeah, right.
L-Mo hits up Curtis Faust, two outsiders feuding right here, to showcase their fed's skills. Luke Warm gives Homicidal Hank a cut with his razor-visor.
MY razor-visor.
Of course. Darren #3 slams Aboriginal 1 with both mallets, and there goes the Gallery-ite!
Oh well, I wasn't expecting him to win anyway.
You Gallery-ites couldn't win if you were the only guys in the ring.
You may have done well, but you still couldn't win with your massive weight advantage.
Hey! Leave that for outside. L-Mo moves in and drills a hole in Hank's helmet! The helmet snaps in half. Hank tosses away the useless piece of armor now. L-Mo with a piledriver!
Wow! A technical maneuver!
Darren #3 comes in with a big elbow for Luke Warm. Luke Warm sics Phil on Curtis Faust. Look at that spunky girl go!
Girl? She 24!
Looks pretty good for 24...and being named Phil.
Shut up about that already. The clock is ticking - three, two, one...
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
The Redeemer enters with that huge cross of his. And there's the Terror with a hockey stick and a 12-pack of beer.
Is the Terror Canadian?
Doubtful. The beer is Schlitz.
He's American alright.
L-Mo and Luke Warm going at it. There's a running powerslam by L-Mo. He really should use those weapons instead of showing us what he can do. Luke has the idea. A broken bottle on the head sounds right for this brawl. Darren #3 with a fallaway slam on the Redeemer!
We haven't seen the "Why, God, Me?" in ages!
Curtis Faust and the Terror teaming up on Luke Warm. Faust wraps up Luke in the wire fencing. The Terror trips him and smack Luke repeatedly!
Tripping! Slashing! Give the Terror four minutes, and a game misconduct.
They're ready to throw him out. But hey, that good-lookin' Phil did it herself!
Don't trust ANYONE, not even your younger sister.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
It's Andy the Android with his sweet metal self. Identity Crisis Man, who today has a striking resemblance to nobody in particular for a change, and of course, he's got a weapon-toting Bob.
But Bob's a sock puppet!
I know. The Redeemer nails the Terror with his cross and laughs. L-Mo starts drilling some of the screws out of Andy's metal plates! The Android is falling apart! L-Mo throws the pieces away.
Now that's innovative!
I wouldn't have thought of that.
Darren #3 has just eliminated Curtis Faust as well! The Terror back up and he gives the Redeemer a vicious slash. He pulls out a beer and smashes it in the Redeemer's face. Beer is everywhere! Identity Crisis Man attacking Homicidal Hank, who's been hiding in the corner so far. Hank right back up, and ICM has been toasted as well!
Yeah, but Identity Crisis Man's still in the ring. Gotta credit him for that.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
We've just reached the twenty-five minute mark.
Seems like it's been forever!
You misunderstand. Now we're past 50 competitors, so our Big Six are ready to enter! And here's the first one of them, B.F. SACK! The crowd is on its feet! Sack has Grady in tow.
A lot of living weapons this year.
It's my understanding that Anarchy started the trend when he won the Brawl last year with the help of a tarantula.
And it's the Violent Pacifist as well. He comes bare-handed in the spirit of pacifism. But he's already doing well as he puts a DDT on Identity Crisis Man.
Yo, am I still in da room?
Jamal, floor's open, just shout out a comment when you feel the need. Not our fault if you've been quiet. Sack swings Grady around, and the Redeemer takes a kick in the ribs. L-Mo goes at it with Hank again. The mini-scythe in full effect! Over at the other end of the ring, Bob took out the Terror, and he's celebrating with a beer.
Bob is a sock puppet!
Doesn't mean he can't enjoy a beer.
That's right!
B.F. Sack beats on L-Mo a bit with some Grady assistance. L-Mo fights back with an Asai moonsault!
Damn it, why isn't he using his weapons?!
Leave him be.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Entering now are Robbie the Robot and Arnold.
Looks like the other members of the Big Six will enter a bit later.
Brilliant observation. Hank hits the Violent Pacifist with his Barney toy. The VP is now gouging Hank's eyes! Hank responds with a taser. L-Mo with a headscissors takedown on the Pacifist, and a scythe slice, and throws the VP out of the ring!
L-Mo really wants to prove something here tonight. I should know; I've wrestled against him. He's one tough competitor.
Darren #3 smacks Arnold with a mallet, and Arnold goes down. Meanwhile, B.F. Sack goes after the Redeemer once more. Wow! Did you see that hit?!
Of course we did, we're right here.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
It's Alberta Rodeo Wrestling's own Claude "Lightning Fingers" Leroux! He's got an accordion, who knows what tune he'll be playing tonight. And there's the Doomsday Chicken! No, wait, the Bully just attacked him from behind and clobbered him with his commode! I guess the Bully will be the competitor instead.
The Bully was angry at being left out of the Brawl, so he took out the worst cruiserweight he could find.
Why didn't he take an Aboriginal, then?
Don't malign my friends, Glutton!
I don't want to be the peacemaker here.
B.F. Sack has just heaved ICM out of the ring! He's not a former champ for nothing. Robbie exacting revenge for the dismantling of Andy, he slams L-Mo into his metal plates and takes him out before L-Mo had a chanceto activate the powerdrill. Claude Leroux now, he nails Darren #3 with the accordion and tries to eliminate him. Fellow Hubcapper B.F. Sack makes the save. The Bully looking for a cruiserweight to attack, but he's out of his league here. Arnold gives him Arnold's DDT! The Redeemer hooks Darren with his cross, and out goes D#3!
Robbie the Robot just executed a nasty forearm shiver on the Bully and eliminated him! The worst insult is that Robbie weighs the least of all of them! I think...
Three! Two! One!
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
"Roughrider" Bill Murtough crashes onto the scene! He's ready to whip some...never mind! All of the six men in the ring mob Murtough! They want that thousand dollars! Here comes the Stalker to add more damage! Can Murtough last?! NO! He's gone, and Murtough looks none too happy. The Redeemer was credited with the elimination after the video crew looked over the tape. Arnold executes another Arnold's DDT and the Stalker is out just as he came in.
Can you believe Homicidal Hank is still in this? He's spent over ten minutes in that ring, being attacked with all those weapons.
B.F. Sack proving that point. Hank on the receiving end of a spiked Grady-bomb! The Redeemer continuing his terrifying ways, as Robbie the Robot has just been eliminated. Claude Leroux puts an end to that, as he puts the Redeemer's head in the accordion and SQUEEEEEZES. The Redeemer is easily removed after that prop-assisted cranial claw.
Four men in the ring, and the clock is ticking! This is getting exciting.
Yeah, I guess.
Come on, Khorne, get into it!
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
It's the massive Mittens, and the not-nearly-so-massive Beast Light! Light has a bar stool and a broken beer bottle. Mittens has two garden trowels. Whoops. Mittens goes in to attack B.F.Sack. Those trowels look like they grew out of Mittens' hands, he's using them so well. Sack retaliates and gives Mittens a battering ram with Grady.
Grady is a crummy weapon to use, in my opinion. He could do so much better. Where's Big Daddy Panama? He was nice and fat.
I'm pretty sure BDP was taken off payroll.
Claude Leroux tries to remove Mittens from the ring, but Arnold is right there to help his friend. Hank gives B.F. Sack a faceful of Barney! And now he tries to take out Arnold, but Mittens returned the favour and saved Arnold.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
The shambling Vyrus enters with the Redeemer's cross. And it's Elwood P. Rhythm with a few platinum records!
Go Rhythm! You da man!
He better make it good, he's the last Gallery-ite in this.
Beast Light gives Vyrus a smash with the bar stool. Vyrus responds with a footsweep from the cross. And hits Beast Light with it! And again!
And goodbye Arnold, thanks to Elwood Rhythm.
That's right, Rhythm's top-40 with a bullet!
And Homicidal Hank just zapped Beast Light to throw him out of the ring too! Light walks away with a twitching arm. And Mittens just hammered Claude Leroux! Those trowels can be pretty nasty in the right hands.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
It's Dizzy Desi and Beast, and would you look at what Beast has? It's a cigarette machine! That's huge! Diz has his hammer and some ultra-slippery detergent. Weird. Dizzy-D just tripped Beast, and he falls face-first onto his machine! That's gonna leave a mark. And B.F. Sack has just heaved out the big cuddly Mittens with some help from Grady - he's stronger than you think!
No he isn't.
Vyrus hits Sack from behind. And another sneak attack! Claude Leroux sticks Vyrus' head in the accordion and SQUEEZES.
He's getting a pretty good sound there.
Vyrus is easy meat as Leroux heaves him out. Dizzy-D squirts some detergent out and pushes Sack. Sack slips, and we've just lost one of the top picks here! Elwood Rhythm just gives Beast a clothesline to remember and tops it off with a big legdrop.
Oh yeah!
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Carnage enters, and he goes to see what's scattered outside the ring. He settles for Redwood's two-handed axe. And it's Plemmy the Demonic Clown! He's got a huge mallet, and that looks about all.
Might be udda stuff, but I ain't seen 'im in da lockaroom.
Plemmy slaps his hand on Beast's face. Beast is jittering! Must be a joy buzzer. Carnage is softening up Hank, and Hank's legacy is ov...NO! Dizzy-D just kept Hank around for more!
Hank's been in the ring forever. Diz should have just let him leave.
Do you think Hank could win this, against all odds?!
Claude Leroux hits Plemmy with his accordion. Plemmy looks disoriented. Rhythm and Beast are now double-teaming Dizzy! Hits from two sides. Dizzy looks drained. And there he gooo.....HANK in there and returns the favour immediately!
How's THAT for sportsmanship?
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Look at this! Two of the top picks are here now. It's the drunken one, Death, and the mighty Bohemoth! Bohemoth has his sack of coal and a board with a rusty nail in it!
Hope everyone has their tetanus shots.
Death has two lovely bottles of Crown Royal. Broken of course.
Broken bottles are popular this year. And it's Canadian whisky, so good for him.
Plemmy hits Elwood Rhythm with his huge mallet.
No! Rally, Elwood, rally!
Beast smashes the cigarette machine on Dizzy and jumps on it. He tries to throw out Dizzy again. This time Bohemoth makes the save, and look at that! A staredown.
Ooh, it's getting exciting now!
Rhythm from behind! Beast is outta there! Bohemoth moves in for more prey. Claude Leroux gives Dizzy some escape music, as Dizzy is smacked in the gut with the squeezebox. Plemmy and Carnage give Bohemoth a double-dose of pain. Hank goes and hits Leroux with the taser!
I thought the mountie was supposed to have the taser.
Now, now. Leroux looks in sorry shape now. I don't know if he can last. But Hank looks pretty tired himself.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Sally Sleepy-Time enters now, he's got a nice-looking lead rattle and a teddy bear. Jamal, shed some light?
Teddy bear weighs six pounds. My guess is a brick inside.
Prisoner X now coming in! And another Prisoner X. What the...? Prisoner X is on a chain gang! He's getting four extra guys to help him out!
They're attached to him by the ankles! So this is legal!
Plemmy gives Bohemoth a big smash with the mallet. Some was absorbed by Bohemoth's mining helmet but not much. Carnage trying to hack away at the ankle-bracelets and make his buddies illegal objects. Plemmy is giving a drink to Death with a squirting flower filled with whiskey - an obvious method to make Death easier to remove. But Hank is there. Rights! Lefts! Plemmy is gone!
Good. Never did like clowns.
Elwood Rhythm absolutely destroys Claude Leroux and throws him so far out of the ring that Leroux nearly hit the barricade.
Oh yeah. Rhythm's taking it all.
Yeah, right. He's half a tag team, no way is he winning.
Anything's POSSIBLE. How else would Hank last so long? Death looks too happy for his own good. Bohemoth nails him - literally - with his board. Looks like Hank's finally gone at the hands of Prisoner X and his buddies....Bohemoth makes the save! Bohemoth battling with five guys, and I don't know how good his odds are!
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Marshall Madd enters with a noose and a branding iron. And here's Presto Cadabra! As expected, he's got Brünhilde his pet tiger on a leash.
Yeah Presto! A tiger, it's brilliant!
Same tiger that got its butt whooped by Prisoner X?
She's learned to kick out now. She'll do better next time.
If there IS a next time.
Carnage with a big axe to Death. Death is outta there! Prisoner X and his goons are working on Sally now. Sally hasn't dropped, so she's still in this and wide awake. Bohemoth hits Presto with the sack of coal. His tiger meows in sympathy pain. And now Marshall Madd nooses up Elwood P. Rhythm. Prisoner X shoves Madd out of the way and gets credited for Elwood's elimination!
Damn it! Forget it, I'm outta here.
All: GOOD.
Prisoner X is on a tear, and so are his boys. Carnage is the next victim.
Clock's ticking, and three men remain.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Oh come on! Why is Pee Wee RRRico in this?
He got juss as much right.
He's got big spiky platforms and a quarterstaff. The Tiger enters too, our last of the Big Six. He's got a spiky football helmet, yet ANOTHER cattle prod, and a wolverine on a leash! As soon as he enters, the wolverine and Brünhilde go at it. They leap out of the ring, out of their handler's hands, and into the crowd. Security's going to have fun with THAT one!
Da Tiger tol' me he couldn't get King Arthur's magic Excalibur, so he got da enchanted cattle prod named Cletus.
Thanks for that useless point, Jamal. Sally Sleepy-Time lets Marshall Madd have the teddy bear on the wrong side of the face. Bohemoth and the Tiger locked up. Bohemoth swats the Tiger with the nail-board. Hank moves in and dropkicks Prisoner X in the back of the head! Wow! Prisoner X isn't happy about that! Is Hank gone FINALLY?
NO! Hank is saved AGAIN! By Sally Sleepy-Time.
Hank is so lucky to be in such a big stable.
Sally Sleepy-Time taking a huge beatdown at the hands of the chain gang. Marshall Madd tries somebody his own size - Pee Wee RRRico! Oh sure, take out the midget why don'cha. Pee Wee is hanging on to the bottom rope by a thread.
<<(airhorn sounds)>>
Only one man left, and that has to be Friar "Buck"! We're going down to the wire now. Nine men left in the ring: Homicidal Hank, Bohemoth, Sally, Prisoner X, Marshall Madd, Presto Cadabra, The Tiger, Pee Wee RRRico and Friar "Buck"!
Make that eight. Bohemoth just kicked the midget out.
The Tiger saves Prisoner X from near-elimination by Presto Cadabra. But wait! Sally Sleepy-Time just knocked out the small guy on the end of Prisoner X's chain gang! Sally tosses out the small guy, and look at them all tumble out like they were mountain climbers! We're down to 7 now. Friar "Buck" hits Marshall Madd with his own cross. Is he going to use Marshall's own noose against him again?
Bohemoth clobbers the Tiger with his coal. Ho ho ho.
Look at this! Presto pulled out the lead wand and garotte of handkerchiefs and he's moving after Hank! Is Hank out? IS HE? IIIIIIS HEEEE?! YES! Ha ha! Presto takes out Hank! (stands up and does the "Churning the Butter" dance)
Wow, we're so impressed that Presto could eliminate a guy who's been taking a pounding for 19:50.
Shut up, it's great! Don't shoot down our accomplishments.
Bohemoth just eliminated Presto!
Yes! So there, Jack! (stands up and tries to dance, then forgets what he was doing standing up and sits back down)
I don't care anymore, this may be almost over but I'm outta here.
Whew! I can breathe again!
Spoke too soon.
Bohemoth moves in and takes out Marshall Madd! Friar "Buck" gets angry at that and gut-checks him with the cross. Bohemoth headbutts "Buck" with his miner's helmet. Meanwhile, Sally Sleepy-Time gives the Tiger a taste of lead rattle! The Tiger responds by zapping him. Sally finally drops and quickly drifts off. The Tiger eases him out of the ring.
Tree men ta go.
Nope. Two. Both Bohemoth and the Tiger remove the Friar, and serves my old tag partner right.
The Tiger will get the credit for that one. Well, two men left, and both quite possibly could take this.
Absolutely. Bohemoth has size, but the Tiger is fresher. The Tiger gives Bohemoth a hurricanrana! Bohemoth completely no-sells it and whacks him with the coal bag one more time.
Now Bohemoth headbuttin' again. Hey look, they helmets fused!
Both men are struggling to remove the helmets, stuck by the Tiger's spikes. Bohemoth lands a huge kick in the Tiger's stomach in the process.
The helmets are off, and the Tiger just crammed them in Bohemoth's face!
I can't stand the excitement!
We're past the 40 minute mark now. All the Tiger has is the cattle prod, but Bohemoth still has the coal sack and the board. Wait! The Tiger clotheslines Bohemoth and throws the board away!
Some lucky fan is going to get a souvenir and a scar!
Bohemoth slaps on a chinlock.
In all the excitement, he slows it down with a CHINLOCK!!! God, he deserves to lose on principle alone.
Oh please. Bohemoth wants to make it his pace. What better way than with a submission move?
After fifty seconds, the Tiger looks worn down and Bohemoth lets go. They're circling each other now. Bohemoth takes a swing with the coal! Tiger misses. Tiger takes a stab. He misses. Tiger rolls around and zaps Bohemoth in the trapezius muscle! The crowd is on its feet! Bohemoth is paralyzed, but the Tiger keeps on the shock!
Bohemoth is taking electricity for twenty good seconds! Tiger lets go, and Bohemoth drops like a ton of bricks. The Tiger tries to push him away, but he quickly brings his hands back. I think the current is moving through Bohemoth! Tiger guards his hands with Bohemoth's own coal sack. He's pushing him out...he's doing it...
The Tiger has won! The Tiger is the first-ever Intergalactic Champion! This is the biggest night in STWF history! It's the most historic occasion in the history of historic occasions!
Not THAT historic.
Here's the Inner Circle. They're carrying him on their shoulders! And here comes the Right Hand Man to present that great-looking Intergalactic belt! The Tiger is let down. He stands in the centre of the ring and holds the belt high above his head!
(The flashbulbs go off all over the arena. "Intergalactic" by the Beastie Boys plays.)
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, and the Intergalactic Champion, THE TIGER!

Well, we've got to end it there. Wow! Amazing. What a night this has been. Well, for Captain Twilight, Jamal Tupac Mustafa, the Pencil-Necked Geek, Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando, and I suppose Colonel "Pops" Khorne and "Black" Jack Dealer, this is Angus Vince McMadden saying, thanks for ordering the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl and go get some sleep, if you can.
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre