(A large pair of pants floats across the screen, then covered by a gigantic red circle with a line through it. The STWF logo appears)
En español donde sea disponible!
(Our show today starts in the head office of the STWF/CSTLL. The silhouette of Cross-Eyed Chris Armstrong is visible behind the leaded glass door, along with a mystery silhouette, which we can only assume is the ever-hidden Der Kommissaar.
D-uhh, but boss, why am I being fired? Did I done bad?
No, I'm firing you because the Rogue created you! Now that he got rid of you, I have no use for you!
Aww, that's not fair! I'll do good from now on, I promise!
Not if I have anything to do with it. Right Hand Man, take out the trash!
The Right Hand Man, a tall, lanky executive-type, walks out, rolls up his sleeves and picks up Armstrong. The front of the building is now shown, with Armstrong being flung out. Pan back to the office.
And that is that. While I'm here, I'll announce the first match. It's a "jobberumble". 20 stars, mostly jobbers, in a steel cage to determine who will face Pedro Chang for the "intercontinental cruiserweight `This is not a championship belt but it's close'" belt.
The wrestlers are as follows:
The Red Snapper
Mr. Clean of the Sanitation Crew
Pepe the Mexican Midget
Friar "Buck" of the Hedonistic Crusaders
Back from injury, Buzz Redwood
Colonel "Pops" Khorne
The New Olympian, Ben Matera
Sweet Candy Andy Captain Twilight
Jim Dewey of the Capital Punishers
Thor of the Warrior Gods
Playboy Cartel from Generation X
Let's start it already! Take it, Angus!
That was our beloved Kommissaar. While he is not seen, he is known by all. It should be interesting...
I cain't believe I wa'n't axed to be in dis! And why is it that half of some tag teams are in dere, but not d'other half?
I don't know, but this should be good.
Remember, the only way out is if you are pinned and eliminated. Anyone attempting escape by other means will be thrown back in the cage!
BILL applies his BILLplex to Jim Dewey. The cover right off the bat:1...2...kickout. Presto Cadabra pulls out his lead wand and smacks Pepe with it! He then rams Pepe into the cage, and is about to pin him: Sunset flip by Ben Matera - the cover:1...2...3 and Presto is our first man out. OddJobber and StreetMime going at it, ditto Sheik and Redwood, Hugo gives Mr. Clean a piledriver! Redwood gives Sheik his super-axhandle! OddJobber pokes StreetMime in the eye! The pin on the mime:1...2...3! StreetMime is gone! BILL tries another BILLplex on Dewey: 1...2...and BOTH of them are pinned! BILL pinned himself! Where have we seen this before?
I'll TELL you where I seen it befo', it was at...
SHUT UP! Mr. Clean beating on Hugo, he's joined by Playboy Cartel and Friar "Buck". All three pin Hugo down: 1...2...3! Hugo is out of the cage, and it looks a whole lot bigger now!
Colonel Khorne gives Captain Twilight the "jiffy-neckpop" and 1..2..3. Friar "Buck", Sweet Candy Andy and Pepe are triple-teaming Thor, it looks like they want the big guys out first! Sheik joins them - they all pin Thor - 1...2...just barely 3 and Thor is out. He's not happy. Michael Wackson gives a moonwalk moonsault off the top of the cage - Très Sheik is down! 1...2...3! Red Snapper puts OddJobber in a Boston Crab - OddJobber submits and the crowd is angry! Wait, Cartel with a backslide - 1...2...3! Red Snapper is out, and the fans feel somewhat thankful.
Only 10 left now. Mr. Clean with a sleeper on Matera...Matera is out! Buzz Redwood with the "chainsaw's edge" on Playboy Cartel:1...2...3! It may look like they are all getting pinned quickly, but hey, our show isn't too darn long. But that's not to say this isn't a work...oops, Redwood's been pinned! Michael Wackson finally pins Pepe the Mexican Midget. I'm surprised they didn't take him out first because he's so easy to pin. Sweet Candy Andy with the big pimp slap on Mr. Clean! And another one! Andy won't stop and Mr. Clean gives! Anything to get out of the cage...
Down to 5 - Wackson, Buck, "Pops" Andy and...wait, someone else is in there...The Square?!
Nobody has even touched the Square!
He clever. No one ever sees him in a rumble. That how he won it da first time at Supercard I.
That's right! Andy and Wackson pin Friar "Buck". He's out! Colonel Khorne smacks Wackson with a concealed bag of kernels! What? He's being disqualified? What rules are these? Oh well... Wackson and Andy duking it out now: Wackson with a moonsault - missed. Andy with a powerbomb - reversed. Andy with a torture rack - no good. The Square just sitting and staring. He's waiting for someone to think he's won before he makes his move. Wackson with his new "neckzuigiri" kick - Sweet Candy Andy on the floor clutching his neck. Wackson for the pin:1...2...wait! Presto Cadabra has re-entered the ring magically and is pummelling Wackson! He's holding Wackson for Andy to hit: Oooh! Andy nails Cadabra, and Cadabra leaves the ring again. Wackson gives Andy a jawbreaker, and a dropkick, and goes for the pin:1...2...3! Wackson is celebrating! He thinks he's won! The Square makes his move. Oh the humanity! The Square with a cover, a count, and A KICKOUT! Michael Wackson is still in this!
Wackson certainly has endurance. But I don't think it's over between Wackson and Sweet Candy Andy, what with the Mad Onna angle and all.
True enough. Double clothesline! Both men are down! It's only a matter of who can turn over and lay an arm across first. The Square is getting up, getting up, no, he's down. Wackson is rolling, rolls back, forward again, he's gaining momentum!
It's boring - don't make it sound exciting, V.
Wackson lays an arm across! 1...........2............3! This is finally over, and Michael Wackson will get his title shot!
Here is your winner, MICHAEL WACKSON!
Okay, I think we need a break now. We'll be right back.
Tonight's episode of Monday Nae Trous has been brought to you by Marq's root beer. While some people may lie to you, and say their "plain-ol'-root-beer" has some mythical "bite", we tell it like it is. Due to old equipment and a crumbling manufacturing plant, we get a lot of dust around here. But it's not enough to have our root beer condemned by the board of health. It's cheap, so why not? And you can believe us when we say:
Marq's has mites.
Will the character controlling Michael Wackson please contact Der Kommissaar with his new e-mail address, if he's reading this.
Remember to keep those flashes rolling, because Monster Bash is a mere 3 weeks away!
We're back. We needed that break to let Playboy Cartel rest, because he's fighting in our next match. Generation X will be facing the Aboriginals.
The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall. Making their way toward the ring, from the Nottatentik region of Québec, with a combined weight of 512 lbs., Aboriginal 1, Aboriginal 2, THE ABORIGINALS!
(Native chants play. They are dressed in lumberjackets, drinking cheap whisky. They shuffle to the ring, throwing the empty bottles into the crowd. A smash and a scream is heard. They are now booed very loudly.)
And their opponents, from Brooklyn, New York, with a combined weight of 517 lbs., Jimmy Cain, Playboy Cartel, GENERATION X!
("Can't Hold me Down" by Puff Daddy plays. They are wearing extra-large brand-name shirts, and pants with the crotch coming down to about knee level. They get a mixed reaction - good from the younger set, bad from the older set.)
Two extremely interesting teams here. Generation X, whom the STWF has managed to snag from the indy feds, and the Aboriginals, who, um... defy all known explanation.
I like dese Generation X guys. They kinda remind me of me!
I see. OddJobber would have something to say about both these teams, because Generation X looks like he would, and the Aboriginals share his apathy for anything and everything.
Jimmy Cain and Aboriginal 2 to start things off. Jimmy Cain with an armdrag takedown. Now a reverse chinlock on Aboriginal 2. He breaks the hold, whips #2 against the ropes, and gives a big boot to the midsection. Belly-to-back suplex by Cain. #2 seems really out of it, but we can't do a thing: wrestlers are allowed to wrestle drunk, just like the San...oh, wait, we can't reference other feds here.
What?! We do it all the time!
But we do it in a subtle fashion, we can't do it blatantly. #2 tags to #1 - they look identical to me, so who really cares? Anyway, #1 with a few slaps in any general direction - one hit Cain, and now Cain is mad! Cain dropkicks #1! Cain with a camel clutch - #1 is way too drunk to feel that pain. Cain tags to Cartel. #1 rushes Cartel and slams him into the turnbuckle. He now shoves Cartel out of the ring, and proceeds to take the turnbuckle cover off. He's really struggling! Cartel back in the ring now, sunset flip on #1, the cover comes off, both men go rolling backwards all the way to the other buckle! Inside-the-ring brawl!
I like brawls! They're so...they're BRAWLS! Leave it at that!
Wait! Here comes the Rogue to ringside! But hold on, that doesn't look like the Rogue...but he's wearing the Rogue's clothes.
Changing of the Rogue? How strange. I knew when I left it would have an impact!
Aboriginal #1 tries to Irish whip Cartel into the naked buckle, but Cartel reverses it! #1 gets a bolt right in the solar plexus!
Tag to Jimmy Cain. He takes #1 to the top rope...superplex by Jimmy Cain! Tag back to Cartel...Cartel up top now...BIG legdrop by Cartel! He hooks the leg: 1....2....3! And Generation X takes the win!
Yeah, I liked them. But whuzzup with those Aboriginals? They're talking to the ref...the Right Hand Man's coming out to sort things out...
Hey! The Aboriginals are PETITIONING for a win! Let's listen closer.
Um...Well, you know we've got a unique cultural identity, and uh, we think that because of this, we're exempt from the rules of the STWF/CSTLL, you know, and if you don't give us a win, we'll, like, give you some sort of international incident, sorta thing, uh, goin' on, you know? We got our rights too, uh, and we think we at least deserve this much respect.
Uh, yeah, whut he said...(hic)
Oh please! Do you really BUY that junk?! The Rogue seems pleased with what he's seeing here, but then again, he might just think the whole thing's funny. The Right Hand Man is considering the petition. Why, I don't know.
Well, we're out of time. We'll have the answer for you right here next week, where we celebrate our big 1-0 of Monday Nae Trous! Until then, keep your pants off!
(c) 1997 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre