70 Episodes? Big Deal. *Yawn*


(Before the credits, the Organ Grinder and Four are shown both laid out on the ground. (As if they'd be laid out on the wall) Near both of them is a snowboard.)
Oh my Lord! Both Four and the Organ Grinder have been attacked! I saw them chatting just five minutes ago, who could have done this? And what of the snowboard, what could it possibly mean?
(Neige Thirteen walks into shot.) Neige: Whoops! Forgot my Neigeboard. Silly me. (picks it up and walks off, chuckling)
But why, Neige, why?
(Neige turns to camera)
Neige: I'm a fragglerockin' heel! Do I need further reason? That being said, let's start the show! (strokes his black beard)
(Opening credits. Pan interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. Here come the Pyro Guys with sparklers! Tee hee...I love them little sparklers. *Ahem* We join you now at ringside.)
Hello fans and welcome to Monday Nae Trous but did you just see what happened moments ago? Neige Thirteen with an unprovoked attack on the Organ Grinder and Four! Could this be a message to Faces Inc.?
I'm inclined to say yes - The Organ Grinder is one of the Faces Incorporated, and a megalomaniac besides; we know Neige is threatened by that. As for Four, I think he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Brilliant analysis, Cap.
You want brilliant analysis? Talk to the man who puts the tungsten carbide filament in the light bulb of brilliance... namely, me!
Pencil-Necked Geek?! What are YOU doing here?
Just fulfilling some contractual duties. I hear the Rogue will be returning soon, and well, he's an old friend of mine.
That's the last thing we need around here...more heels.
Well stop collaborating the good guys and we won't need to do that!
I think we should get to our first match. Captain Obvious is going up against F...um...well that's not going to happen. Do we know what's happening with that?
I'm getting word from the producer...we've got a replacement and Announcer Lad knows what to do.
This contest is SCHEDULED for one fall. But I'm sure if it becomes four-out-of-seven, nobody will object, right? (crowd boos heavily) Okay, okay, one fall. Entering the ring first, accompanied by Grampa, from Portland, Oregon and weighing in at 213 lbs., CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! (He's a wrestler, you know.) Hey, who wrote that in?
("Macho Man" by the Village People plays. Captain Obvious enters. His uniform is decorated with little explanatory text, like "Mask" and "Left Arm". He's grabbing the mic.)
Captain Obvious: I was supposed to wrestle Four. But he's been laid out so I get to wrestle a replacement! Did you know that Four has four letters in his name? Isn't that cool?
I'm not sure what the requirements are to earn the title of "Captain", but they must be a lot lower than when I received it.
His opponent...from the Lower Lower Deck, weighing in at 215 lbs., LENNY "F'N" DYKSTRA!
("We Will Rock You" by Queen blares over the PA. The fans instinctively start the stomp-stomp-clap rhythm. I believe it's been programmed into every human born since the 70s. A man in an unofficial New York Mets uniform enters. Tufts of pink hair can be seen under the baseball cap.)
Captain Obvious: Your name is Lenny Dykstra. But Lenny Dykstra doesn't have pink hair. So that means you're not the real Lenny Dykstra!
Lenny "F'n" Dykstra: Why am I wrestling Captain Obvious here?
Captain Obvious: You're a replacement for Four, who was laid out earlier tonight by...
Dykstra just clocked Obvious before the bell!
***bell rings.
Captain Obvious recovers nicely and puts a big boot to the midsection of Dykstra. Dykstra with an Irish Whip to the turnbuckle. Big jump with a twist...back elbow with Obvious on the receiving end. The Captain collapses!
Here, Cap, let me help you up. I may be evil but I need someone with whom to argue.
Can I get a new chair please?
Captain Obvious up on the top rope. Flying clothesline catches Lenny "F'n" Dykstra off guard. A cover is made: 1...kickout.
These two match up pretty well sizewise. It'll be interesting to see how it pans out.
Lenny Dykstra is up, he shakes off the cobwebs. He starts choking out Captain Obvious! The ref is chewing out Dykstra, and look at Lenny get right in his face! This guy won't put up with any attitude!
Lenny better watch himself or he could get ejected! I mean, disqualified.
Yes, I know it's hard to differentiate baseball from wrestling when the only exercise you get is with your thumbs on the joystick.
Hey! I don't do that nearly as much since Edwina came into my life. Who needs Tomb Raider when I've got my real-life action girl at home?
How is she, by the way?
I don't think I'm at liberty to discuss that with the likes of YOU, you dirty old man!
I think we've covered our double-entendre quota for the day...(looks at checklist)...actually, we can do one more. Better save it.
Wise idea. You should never finish off quickly if you can avoid it.
(sound of crumpling paper)
Meanwhile, Dykstra and Captain Obvious are in a test-o'-strength. Dykstra is winning but Obvious is putting up one hell of a fight! Dykstra with a kick and a gutwrench suplex. He covers: 1...2...kickout. Captain Obvious tries a kick...Dykstra grabs the leg...
That's the setup to an enzuigiri kick!
Leave those statements to Captain Obvious, please. Yes, Obvious does the kick. He's going to the top rope for an Asai moonsault but misses! Lenny Dykstra picks him up...he's got him in a full nelson.
It says on my profile that his finisher is a full-nelson slam, also called the "Greetings from the Lenny Dykstra Car Wash Somewhere Down in Florida"...could we see it here tonight?
YES! Except Captain Obvious was tossed out of the ring! Lenny "F'n" Dykstra could use some lessons in ring geography. He rolls out of the ring. Grampa is coming up behind Dykstra with a chair! He winds up, Lenny turns around...Grampa is frozen solid!
Lenny "F'n" Dykstra: And just what exactly were you planning to do with that chair?
Grampa: Uh...offer you, I say, offer you a seat? It's the mannerly thing to do.
Lenny "F'n" Dykstra: Well, thanks, old man. (sits) Ah...comfortable.
Captain Obvious just rolled back into the ring! I think Lenny "F'n" Dykstra is about to get counted out!
If he really thinks he's a baseball player, he could sit there for hours thinking it's just like the dugout!
***bell rings.
The winner of this match, as a result of a count-out, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!
Lenny "F'n" Dykstra just snapped out of it! He rushes back into the ring...and he delivers another Greetings From the Lenny Dykstra Car Wash Somewhere Down in Florida! This is completely uncalled for! What a sore loser.
I don't know, I kinda like the guy. Unnecessarily evil, not a bad talent, he might fit in well with a group like ours...when it comes back into existence.
What IS the Rogue doing in the Ivory Tower bathroom?
He wouldn't tell me...I think it's a sit-in to protest abuses of power or something like that.
You don't need to give Neige Thirteen any ideas here. Alright, we're starting the next match...Claude "Lightning Fingers" Leroux vs. Broadway Musical Man!
This match is scheduled for one fall or until everyone's ears start bleeding. First, accompanied by Annie, from New York City, weighing in at 247 lbs., BROADWAY MUSICAL MAN!
(Broadway Musical Man enters wearing a top hat and cane. He starts singing "One" (from a Chorus Line, not "Is the Loneliest Number", moron). Annie is right behind him, in her bright orange wig and her eyes rolled up in the back of her head.)
Lenny "F'n" Dykstra heading back to the locker room...but watch his head turn at Annie!
That's disgusting! She's 16 years old!
Evil AND perverted. I'm liking this guy more all the time. But let's admit it. She's no Edwina, but she's still stacked, let's not take that away from her.
The comments of the Pencil-Necked Geek are in no way representative of those of the STWF/CSTLL or any of its Executives, sponsors or producers. Please check the age of consent in your area before engaging in any "activities" with... well, anyone. This program is rated TV-14, and yes, we're sorry about that, we were uncomfortable too here in the Ratings Man booth.)
His opponent, from Moosebutt, BC, he's the La-La-La-Law...CLAUDE "LIGHTNING FINGERS" LEROUX!
(Claude enters, playing a jazzy, syncopated version of "O Canada". Hardcore Canadian fans boo him for this...both of them. Everyone else cheers.)
***bell rings.
Claude Leroux is laying a heavy beating to Broadway Musical Man right off the bat! Broadway must be out of shape.
Even though I've noticed he hasn't gained a pound since his televised debut all the way back at Lunes Nae Trous, the Mexico Unlimited MNT some 64 episodes ago.
How is it you remember that, but you forget to take your red pills?
I don't take any red pills!
See what I mean?
Broadway Musical Man making a comeback. Rake to the eye, and a double-arm DDT! The cover: 1...kickout. Big chop by BMM!
Crowd: WHOO!
Broadway executes a drop toe hold that sends the neck of Leroux to the ropes hard. A level of ferocity unlike the old Broadway.
Lightning Fingers with a back kick to Broadway Musical Man's nether regions!
Well, it's not like Broadway was using them. You know these theatre types.
Not biblically, no. Leroux with the advantage. Guillotine drop! He's going to the top rope...British Columbia Jam legdrop!
Oh, you're just making that up.
Maybe...but it sounds good...Leroux with the cover. 1...2...oh wait! Annie makes the save! The ref getting distracted by the teenager's charms.
I'm just wondering...have the boys in Connecticut gone this far yet?
Broadway just nailed Claude with his walking stick! Leroux turns around with fire in his eyes...he grabs his accordion from the corner and smashes it over his opponent's head.
What a match! This is the greatest Nae Trous EVER!
Nah...#69 was the greatest ever.
Really? I liked the Golden Anniversary myself. BMM is out cold...Leroux makes the cover but the ref is still distracted!
Not anymore...Annie just slapped him for getting too grabby. Th ref really needs a girlfriend.
 So does Der Kommissaar...maybe then he'll stop being such a tighta<-BLEEP->.
(uncomfortable silence)
What? It's true!
Uh...er...Leroux gets the one, the two, the three! It's over! Broadway Musical Man unsuccessful in his debut, never a good sign.
Here is your winner...CLAUDE "LIGHTNING FINGERS" LEROUX!
Boy! The hits just keep on coming, don't they! Up next it's a triple-threat match, but I guess it's now a two-way because the Organ Grinder is gone... what's that? Oh...we have another last-minute replacement. Okay, but first, we have a nice musical interlude for you!
Why?
Because the Right Hand Man said so. He felt the Foz wasn't getting enough airtime so he gets to do a rap with DJ Fled.
You must be joking.
I wish I was. Here's the Foz, with DJ Fled, and "Forgot About Bucky". *shrug*

(The Foz enters holding a mic with the PagerPicture cartoon guy on it. DJ Fled starts scratching vinyl. A seat cover, not a record.)
The Foz: Nowadayyyyyseverybodywannatalkliketheygotsumpintosayyyyy butnuthincomesoutwhentheymovetheyliiiiips it'sjustaMushmouthbit eatthepuddingflozzumFLIP! TheyforgotaboutBuck-ayyyyy... haw haw haw! Nowadayyyysevery...
Armed security officials wrest the mic from the Foz, since everyone's had enough. To appease the crowd, Edwina comes out in a micromini and starts go-go dancing in a cage.)
YEAH! Now THAT'S entertainment! You go, baby! I've got a hardware accelerator in my pants!

Now, really, Geek, that's...oh who cares anymore. Flatline and Woodstock are in the ring.
Their opponent, making his uneventful return...from the Whatever Wrestling Federation (this card needs an update)...PIGEON!
(No theme music yet. Vic the Sound Guy starts up a sound effect track of birds chirping. The audience gets weirded out and thinking back to Hitchcock movies. Pigeon enters, looking as disheveled as always. "Violent" Vinnie Mansbridge is cursing himself that he STILL hasn't been accepted for lack of a debut roleplay.)
***bell rings.
Flatline and Pigeon double team Woodstock. They push him down and press his shoulders to the mat. 1...2...3! Okay, and we're down to two.
That quick?
The guy's a snowman who doesn't RP nearly as much as his friends. What do you expect?
At least ten seconds of wrestling...what are we paying him for? Flatline and Pigeon now staring at each other. Is that anger, or just vacancy?
At this rate it could be a time-limit draw.
It would appear both men have fallen asleep on their feet! Perhaps that initial exertion tired them both out?
The ref checking both men...taps Flatline on the shoulder. He drops like a ton of bricks! Pigeon slumps into a corner and broods. The ref is counting them out: 1...2...3...4...
I can't believe this match made a Nae Trous!
Flatline is up! He pulls up Pigeon and starts another staring contest? What the...?
Flatline: This is fun.....uhhhh...yeah, your momma.
Pigeon: What did you say about my mother?
Pigeon knocks Flatline down. Pigeon now makes a lazy cover...1...2...3! A debut win for Pigeon...albeit a very sloppy one.
A win is a win, that's what I always say.
I don't recall your ever saying that. But now...the six man tag team confrontation...The Rump Ranger, Necro Phil and Billy Polar will take on douja, Neige Thirteen and Mittens in what should be an amazing matchup!
This is a six-man tag team kontest set for one fall. Hmm...somebody spelled "contest" wrong on the card. The first team, representing C3PO..."the Pothead" douja, "the Original Cool" Neige Thirteen, and "the BIG HURTY"...MITTENS!
(The Imperial March plays as the three of them stride out in lockstep. The effect lasts for about three seconds as douja throws up over the security barrier. Hmmm...looks like Twinkies(TM).)
Their opponents, the members of Stiff Competition, they are "the Lecherous Coroner" Necro Phil, "the gay caballero", aka the Rump Ranger, and "the Greatest White Luchador", BILLY POLAR!
(The Flight of the Bumblebees plays as the three of them run to the ring wildly and chaotically. Necro Phil is trying his best, but you know how he is.)
The Rump Ranger is asking for a mic...
Rump Ranger: Neige! I fight for Orgy!
(stunned silence)
Rump Ranger: You know...the Organ Grinder? The guy you attacked earlier today? That just plum wasn't nice!
Neige Thirteen: Oh please! Are you all STILL hung up about that? It was over an hour ago!
***bell rings.
Neige Thirteen battles Necro Phil to start. Neige with a European uppercut, and a snapmare takeover. Necro Phil is in a chinlock...
That looks so incredibly gay.
I thought you'd be praising Neige Thirteen for his heelish tactics.
Yeah, that's not like you.
You call that heelish? It needs to be flaunted! This is the guy who was receiving boos and badmouthing the biggest faces in the industry, then thinking he was a fan favourite! He's only just now come into his own, and he has a lot of catching up to do.
Neige Thirteen: You talking to me, nerd?
No, I'm talking ABOUT you! Go do your match, whitey.
Necro Phil is in serious trouble in there. Neige Thirteen with a bunch of kicks sending the lecherous coroner to the corner. Neige turns him around and introduces him to the turnbuckle!
(crowd is silent)
Neige Thirteen: COUNT, GUNDAM IT!
Crowd: Sigh. One.
Neige: That's better!
Necro receiving a series of smashes as the crowd apathetically counts...
Crowd: eight. nine. ten.
He stands up Necro Phil...tapping his feet...is he getting ready for the "DOKE" kick?
Not if Phil has any say. He tags in the Rump Ranger. The Rump Ranger taps Neige on the shoulder.
Neige yells like a girl!
I would too if someone like the Rump Ranger was getting behind me.
Rump Ranger with a BIG right hand that catches Neige off guard. Neige looking uncomfortable...he tags in Mittens. Mittens gets in looking prepared to deal some hurty! (re-reads script) Oh that's just awful. It's barely a sentence.
The Rump Ranger with a dropkick. Mittens takes a step back but doesn't go down. Rump Ranger off the ropes for a flying forearm. Mittens still doesn't go down! Rump Ranger tries a belly-to-back...he's not getting any success!
I was wrong...THAT looks incredibly gay.
Mittens with a body slam. He sits on the Ranger's chest and starts slapping the gay caballero, laughing all the while! The ref making him stop. Mittens gets up and delivers a kick to the ribs. The Rump Ranger slowly getting up...and there's a groinshot! Mittens doubles over. The Rump Ranger with a bulldogging headlock on the big man! The crowd cheers! The tag is made to Billy Polar and the crowd is going nuts!
That's the way to do it.
Money for nothing and your chicks for free.
Mittens picks up his old tag team partner and deposits him on the top rope. SUPERPLEX! Oh Lord! A cover on the Lite Death: 1...2...no! The tag is made to douja. Billy Polar rising to his feet. douja blows smoke in his face! BP is coughing!
That woke him up. He's retreating to his corner.
BP: Here, somebody, deal with him.
The Rump Ranger is getting back in the ring! The Undefendable Champion meets him head on! Atomic drop by the Rump Ranger. douja responds with a double-leg takedown and he's moving into a camel clutch.
How many more incredibly gay moves are we going to see tonight?
The Rump Ranger reaches the ropes. Irish whip to the turnbuckle...douja falls limp in the corner. The Rump Ranger is making a lasso motion...
Bronco Buster!
I had to open my big mouth, didn't I?
Neige can't stand to watch this! He's going to interfere with his Neigeboard! Billy Polar runs across to stop him. The ref is lifting douja's arms... once...twice...three times! douja just submitted to the Rump Ranger!
Which is strange because you'd figure RR was more the submissive type.
Yes, quite right...I mean, hey, let's not go there, Cap.
Here are your winners, as a result of a submission, STIFF COMPETITION!
There's a party going on right here...a celebration, if you will, in the ring. They realize a group of superheels are still in the ring and hightail it before C3PO gets bitter. I'm not sure if this feud is over.
One can hope.
Our final match of the evening...a scary prospect to be sure. Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants has to fight three members of Faces Incorporated in a steel cage!
Oh yeah...that Virago thing. Seems like ages ago, doesn't it?
It sure does. Here comes Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants now, and the cage is being lowered.
SMP: Alright, DK, I'm here. I don't like it one bit, but let's just get this over with! Who you got lined up for me, huh? Who's lined up to face the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today?
Here comes that good-for-nothing Right Hand Man.
RHM: Why, I'm so glad you asked! First of all, we've got one of your personal favourites...I hear your mothers are good friends. LUKE WARM!
(Luke Warm appears at the top of the aisle to huge cheers)
RHM: Next...the man just crowned ICCTINACBBIC champion...TYRONE MAYHEM!
(Tyrone joins his teammate and gets a cordial reception. The ICCTINACBBIC belt is over his shoulder. It's shined up real nice... and turned sideways.)
Who could possibly be the third member? The Tiger? Someone making a return to the STWF under the Faces Inc. banner?
Keep in mind that Jamal's not announcing so it could be him! Idiots.
RHM: And finally...he's a man who's a former STWF champion...he needs no introduction...he lets all his moves speak for themselves... he makes a statement without saying a word...StreetMime!
Crowd: STREETMIME?!
For once, I agree with the audience. This isn't a very judicious choice on the part of the Ivory Tower if they want to teach Dr. Plants a lesson.
Shhh...let's see what happens.
StreetMime descending from the rafters now...and don't worry, those straps are reinforced with Saskatchewan sealskin, so they won't break and kill him.
Yeah, we're not that lucky. Hee hee hee!
All men are in the ring now.
***bell rings.
Dr. Plants looking for a good defensive position...StreetMime lunges for his feet, but Plants jumps out of the way and the mime lands on his face. SMP picks him up and he's got himself a human shield! Luke and Tyrone stepping carefully, trying to avoid hurting their teammate. Luke manages to get behind the Doctor and delivers a wicked headbutt. Tyrone trying to pry StreetMime free, but SMP has a deathgrip on StreetMime! Look at those white knuckles.
I believe you're looking at StreetMime's gloves, Vince.
Luke now putting some high-powered knees to the charley horse area of Dr. Plants.
Those are really painful! I remember those from Grade 10, back when it was the bullies' fad.
That loosened up the grip. StreetMime crawling away to catch his breath.
Oh, he'll be fine. Mimes are practically immortal. You can't seem to kill them no matter how many bullets you use.
I think the irreverence around here is directly proportional to the length of time between cards...and you've got some issues to sort out, Cap. Luke Warm has Dr. Plants in powerbomb position and Tyrone's giving assistance...BOOM! What a great move. Sillaconne trying to get up. He's knocked right back down and there's a double-team kicking session happening now.
But where's the style?
It's a steel cage match, style doesn't factor in! Tyrone picks up Dr. Plants...is it a Samoan Drop? NO! He runs backwards full steam into the cage! SMP has just been turned into a waffle iron! And NOW the Samoan Drop! Cover: 1...2...shoulder up! What a trooper! Tag team maneuver coming up. Luke Warm is getting ready for a piledriver...Tyrone getting up on the top buckle. But look at this! StreetMime's up on the adjacent buckle! Both men leap at once, a double-spike piledriver! Sillaconne M. Plants is getting MANGLED!
It looks like Dr. SMP has bitten off more than he can chew here. Der Kommissaar really painted him into a corner. But he's got a never-say-die attitude, the Doctor does, and...
Aahhh! Cliche overload!
And there's a wishbone! Hmm...I've never seen it done with three people before.
...
I think we'll be expecting a call from Sir Hungalot about that.
All three men tearing him apart. Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants has been busted wide open! I can't believe it! When was the last time somebody bladed, er, I mean we've seen somebody come to bleed on Monday Nae Trous?
Don't ask me, I can't even remember to take my red pills! (takes one)...Ooh, the steel cage is melting in the dark! All the sweet green icing flowing down....whoa...
Hee hee hee hee...old people are so gullible when it comes to taking pills. I'm so smart it's not funny!
Well you're right about the not funny part. Plants looks like a wreck. But here it comes...STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! 1...2...3! Was there ever any doubt?
Well yes, actually, because most of the time the underdog beats the odds! Of course this time it was a heel, so I suppose it wasn't meant to be.
Here are your winners....FACES INC.!
I can see the words escaping my mouth...ooh...but mommy, I like my temperature taken orally! Please, not again!
Luke Warm and Tyrone Mayhem helping him up...now they're lifting his arms with them! What sportsmen!
What hypocrites! They beat a man, now it's just a mocking insult!
You read too much into this, Geek.
But it's not Wednesday, Mrs. McMadden...
(turning red with fury, teeth clenched) On behalf of the Pencil-Necked Geek and Captain Twilight, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, keep your pants off and Cap, you'd BETTER keep 'em ON!
©2000 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre