(The Foz enters holding a mic with the PagerPicture cartoon guy on it. DJ Fled starts scratching vinyl. A seat cover, not a record.)
The Foz: Nowadayyyyyseverybodywannatalkliketheygotsumpintosayyyyy butnuthincomesoutwhentheymovetheyliiiiips it'sjustaMushmouthbit eatthepuddingflozzumFLIP! TheyforgotaboutBuck-ayyyyy... haw haw haw! Nowadayyyysevery...
Armed security officials wrest the mic from the Foz, since everyone's had enough. To appease the crowd, Edwina comes out in a micromini and starts go-go dancing in a cage.)
YEAH! Now THAT'S entertainment! You go, baby! I've got a hardware accelerator in my pants!
Now, really, Geek, that's...oh who cares anymore. Flatline and Woodstock are in the ring.
Their opponent, making his uneventful return...from the Whatever Wrestling Federation (this card needs an update)...PIGEON!
(No theme music yet. Vic the Sound Guy starts up a sound effect track of birds chirping. The audience gets weirded out and thinking back to Hitchcock movies. Pigeon enters, looking as disheveled as always. "Violent" Vinnie Mansbridge is cursing himself that he STILL hasn't been accepted for lack of a debut roleplay.)
Flatline and Pigeon double team Woodstock. They push him down and press his shoulders to the mat. 1...2...3! Okay, and we're down to two.
The guy's a snowman who doesn't RP nearly as much as his friends. What do you expect?
At least ten seconds of wrestling...what are we paying him for? Flatline and Pigeon now staring at each other. Is that anger, or just vacancy?
At this rate it could be a time-limit draw.
It would appear both men have fallen asleep on their feet! Perhaps that initial exertion tired them both out?
The ref checking both men...taps Flatline on the shoulder. He drops like a ton of bricks! Pigeon slumps into a corner and broods. The ref is counting them out: 1...2...3...4...
I can't believe this match made a Nae Trous!
Flatline is up! He pulls up Pigeon and starts another staring contest? What the...?
Flatline: This is fun.....uhhhh...yeah, your momma.
Pigeon: What did you say about my mother?
Pigeon knocks Flatline down. Pigeon now makes a lazy cover...1...2...3! A debut win for Pigeon...albeit a very sloppy one.
A win is a win, that's what I always say.
I don't recall your ever saying that. But now...the six man tag team confrontation...The Rump Ranger, Necro Phil and Billy Polar will take on douja, Neige Thirteen and Mittens in what should be an amazing matchup!
This is a six-man tag team kontest set for one fall. Hmm...somebody spelled "contest" wrong on the card. The first team, representing C3PO..."the Pothead" douja, "the Original Cool" Neige Thirteen, and "the BIG HURTY"...MITTENS!
(The Imperial March plays as the three of them stride out in lockstep. The effect lasts for about three seconds as douja throws up over the security barrier. Hmmm...looks like Twinkies(TM).)
Their opponents, the members of Stiff Competition, they are "the Lecherous Coroner" Necro Phil, "the gay caballero", aka the Rump Ranger, and "the Greatest White Luchador", BILLY POLAR!
(The Flight of the Bumblebees plays as the three of them run to the ring wildly and chaotically. Necro Phil is trying his best, but you know how he is.)
The Rump Ranger is asking for a mic...
Rump Ranger: Neige! I fight for Orgy!
Rump Ranger: You know...the Organ Grinder? The guy you attacked earlier today? That just plum wasn't nice!
Neige Thirteen: Oh please! Are you all STILL hung up about that? It was over an hour ago!
Neige Thirteen battles Necro Phil to start. Neige with a European uppercut, and a snapmare takeover. Necro Phil is in a chinlock...
That looks so incredibly gay.
I thought you'd be praising Neige Thirteen for his heelish tactics.
Yeah, that's not like you.
You call that heelish? It needs to be flaunted! This is the guy who was receiving boos and badmouthing the biggest faces in the industry, then thinking he was a fan favourite! He's only just now come into his own, and he has a lot of catching up to do.
Neige Thirteen: You talking to me, nerd?
No, I'm talking ABOUT you! Go do your match, whitey.
Necro Phil is in serious trouble in there. Neige Thirteen with a bunch of kicks sending the lecherous coroner to the corner. Neige turns him around and introduces him to the turnbuckle!
(crowd is silent)
Neige Thirteen: COUNT, GUNDAM IT!
Crowd: Sigh. One.
Neige: That's better!
Necro receiving a series of smashes as the crowd apathetically counts...
Crowd: eight. nine. ten.
He stands up Necro Phil...tapping his feet...is he getting ready for the "DOKE" kick?
Not if Phil has any say. He tags in the Rump Ranger. The Rump Ranger taps Neige on the shoulder.
Neige yells like a girl!
I would too if someone like the Rump Ranger was getting behind me.
Rump Ranger with a BIG right hand that catches Neige off guard. Neige looking uncomfortable...he tags in Mittens. Mittens gets in looking prepared to deal some hurty! (re-reads script) Oh that's just awful. It's barely a sentence.
The Rump Ranger with a dropkick. Mittens takes a step back but doesn't go down. Rump Ranger off the ropes for a flying forearm. Mittens still doesn't go down! Rump Ranger tries a belly-to-back...he's not getting any success!
I was wrong...THAT looks incredibly gay.
Mittens with a body slam. He sits on the Ranger's chest and starts slapping the gay caballero, laughing all the while! The ref making him stop. Mittens gets up and delivers a kick to the ribs. The Rump Ranger slowly getting up...and there's a groinshot! Mittens doubles over. The Rump Ranger with a bulldogging headlock on the big man! The crowd cheers! The tag is made to Billy Polar and the crowd is going nuts!
That's the way to do it.
Money for nothing and your chicks for free.
Mittens picks up his old tag team partner and deposits him on the top rope. SUPERPLEX! Oh Lord! A cover on the Lite Death: 1...2...no! The tag is made to douja. Billy Polar rising to his feet. douja blows smoke in his face! BP is coughing!
That woke him up. He's retreating to his corner.
BP: Here, somebody, deal with him.
The Rump Ranger is getting back in the ring! The Undefendable Champion meets him head on! Atomic drop by the Rump Ranger. douja responds with a double-leg takedown and he's moving into a camel clutch.
How many more incredibly gay moves are we going to see tonight?
The Rump Ranger reaches the ropes. Irish whip to the turnbuckle...douja falls limp in the corner. The Rump Ranger is making a lasso motion...
I had to open my big mouth, didn't I?
Neige can't stand to watch this! He's going to interfere with his Neigeboard! Billy Polar runs across to stop him. The ref is lifting douja's arms... once...twice...three times! douja just submitted to the Rump Ranger!
Which is strange because you'd figure RR was more the submissive type.
Yes, quite right...I mean, hey, let's not go there, Cap.
Here are your winners, as a result of a submission, STIFF COMPETITION!
There's a party going on right here...a celebration, if you will, in the ring. They realize a group of superheels are still in the ring and hightail it before C3PO gets bitter. I'm not sure if this feud is over.
One can hope.
Our final match of the evening...a scary prospect to be sure. Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants has to fight three members of Faces Incorporated in a steel cage!
Oh yeah...that Virago thing. Seems like ages ago, doesn't it?
It sure does. Here comes Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants now, and the cage is being lowered.
SMP: Alright, DK, I'm here. I don't like it one bit, but let's just get this over with! Who you got lined up for me, huh? Who's lined up to face the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today?
Here comes that good-for-nothing Right Hand Man.
RHM: Why, I'm so glad you asked! First of all, we've got one of your personal favourites...I hear your mothers are good friends. LUKE WARM!
(Luke Warm appears at the top of the aisle to huge cheers)
RHM: Next...the man just crowned ICCTINACBBIC champion...TYRONE MAYHEM!
(Tyrone joins his teammate and gets a cordial reception. The ICCTINACBBIC belt is over his shoulder. It's shined up real nice... and turned sideways.)
Who could possibly be the third member? The Tiger? Someone making a return to the STWF under the Faces Inc. banner?
Keep in mind that Jamal's not announcing so it could be him! Idiots.
RHM: And finally...he's a man who's a former STWF champion...he needs no introduction...he lets all his moves speak for themselves... he makes a statement without saying a word...StreetMime!
For once, I agree with the audience. This isn't a very judicious choice on the part of the Ivory Tower if they want to teach Dr. Plants a lesson.
Shhh...let's see what happens.
StreetMime descending from the rafters now...and don't worry, those straps are reinforced with Saskatchewan sealskin, so they won't break and kill him.
Yeah, we're not that lucky. Hee hee hee!
All men are in the ring now.
Dr. Plants looking for a good defensive position...StreetMime lunges for his feet, but Plants jumps out of the way and the mime lands on his face. SMP picks him up and he's got himself a human shield! Luke and Tyrone stepping carefully, trying to avoid hurting their teammate. Luke manages to get behind the Doctor and delivers a wicked headbutt. Tyrone trying to pry StreetMime free, but SMP has a deathgrip on StreetMime! Look at those white knuckles.
I believe you're looking at StreetMime's gloves, Vince.
Luke now putting some high-powered knees to the charley horse area of Dr. Plants.
Those are really painful! I remember those from Grade 10, back when it was the bullies' fad.
That loosened up the grip. StreetMime crawling away to catch his breath.
Oh, he'll be fine. Mimes are practically immortal. You can't seem to kill them no matter how many bullets you use.
I think the irreverence around here is directly proportional to the length of time between cards...and you've got some issues to sort out, Cap. Luke Warm has Dr. Plants in powerbomb position and Tyrone's giving assistance...BOOM! What a great move. Sillaconne trying to get up. He's knocked right back down and there's a double-team kicking session happening now.
But where's the style?
It's a steel cage match, style doesn't factor in! Tyrone picks up Dr. Plants...is it a Samoan Drop? NO! He runs backwards full steam into the cage! SMP has just been turned into a waffle iron! And NOW the Samoan Drop! Cover: 1...2...shoulder up! What a trooper! Tag team maneuver coming up. Luke Warm is getting ready for a piledriver...Tyrone getting up on the top buckle. But look at this! StreetMime's up on the adjacent buckle! Both men leap at once, a double-spike piledriver! Sillaconne M. Plants is getting MANGLED!
It looks like Dr. SMP has bitten off more than he can chew here. Der Kommissaar really painted him into a corner. But he's got a never-say-die attitude, the Doctor does, and...
Aahhh! Cliche overload!
And there's a wishbone! Hmm...I've never seen it done with three people before.
I think we'll be expecting a call from Sir Hungalot about that.
All three men tearing him apart. Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants has been busted wide open! I can't believe it! When was the last time somebody bladed, er, I mean we've seen somebody come to bleed on Monday Nae Trous?
Don't ask me, I can't even remember to take my red pills! (takes one)...Ooh, the steel cage is melting in the dark! All the sweet green icing flowing down....whoa...
Hee hee hee hee...old people are so gullible when it comes to taking pills. I'm so smart it's not funny!
Well you're right about the not funny part. Plants looks like a wreck. But here it comes...STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! 1...2...3! Was there ever any doubt?
Well yes, actually, because most of the time the underdog beats the odds! Of course this time it was a heel, so I suppose it wasn't meant to be.
Here are your winners....FACES INC.!
I can see the words escaping my mouth...ooh...but mommy, I like my temperature taken orally! Please, not again!
Luke Warm and Tyrone Mayhem helping him up...now they're lifting his arms with them! What sportsmen!
What hypocrites! They beat a man, now it's just a mocking insult!
You read too much into this, Geek.
But it's not Wednesday, Mrs. McMadden...
(turning red with fury, teeth clenched) On behalf of the Pencil-Necked Geek and Captain Twilight, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, keep your pants off and Cap, you'd BETTER keep 'em ON!
©2000 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre