Welcome to Monday Nae Trous!

(A large pair of pants floats across the screen, then covered by a gigantic red circle with a line through it. The STWF logo appears)
En español donde sea disponible!
(Interior of the Maple Leaf Gardens, Toronto. The two pyrotechnicians are gone.)

Welcome to Monday Nae Trous! After Mexico Madness '97, we've left Mexico, but Mexico Unlimited has certainly not left us. They've taken all the belts, and retired the Stick. With me as always is Jamal Tupac Mustafa. Captain Twilight cannot join us tonight; apparently there is some Rogue's Gallery business.
After I left, the Rogue's Gallery has fallen into a shambles, V! I couldn't care less if they just dropped off the face of d'earth.
Well, I can't blame you. Making his long-awaited debut today, is none other than BILL!
Who is BILL, anyway, V? Or who do you think he is?
I'm not sure, and we have a small segment on that just before his match. But right now let's kick it off with two tag teams, making their debuts, as the Warrior Gods, Thor and Tyr, square of against the Inevitables.
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Making their way toward the ring, with a combined weight of 610 lbs., and accompanied by the Mighty Odin, Thor, Tyr, THE WARRIOR GODS!
("Devil in the Kitchen" by Ashley MacIsaac plays. Both men are dressed in black pants and boots. Thor is a huge man with long braided red hair and a beard, carrying a warhammer. Tyr has long black hair and beard, carrying a sword. Odin is dressed in a flowing purple robe and has only one eye. The fans don't know what to make of them.)
And their opponents, with a combined weight of 521 lbs., The Harbinger of Death and M. Taxes, THE INEVITABLES!
("One Way or Another" by Blondie plays. The Harbinger is bald, wearing sneakers and a blood-stained purple shroud. M. Taxes wears a short-sleeved dress shirt with suspenders, and sports a handlebar moustache. The fans seem to like the song, but not much else.)
***bell rings. M. Taxes and Tyr to start things off. M. Taxes, aka Gérard S. Therriault, is a banker from Ottawa up against an allegedly immortal warrior. Tyr grabs a suspender and hurls Taxes into the turnbuckle and comes in with a big boot. Suplex by Tyr. Tyr with a sleeper, but Taxes gets out with a jawbreaker. Taxes with a drop-toehold. Tyr with a body scissors. The Harbinger comes in to break the hold. The ref now admonishing the Harbinger while Thor comes in and crushes Taxes in the midsection with his hammer. The cover: oh, the ref doesn't see it! Now he does. 1...kickout. Taxes crawls to make the tag.
About time I got a word in. The Harbinger, dis Heaven's Gate guy or whatever, with a face gouge and a powerbomb on Tyr. The cover: 1...kickout. Tyr with a piledriver. 1...2...kickout. Harbinger clips the knee! Dirty tactics, but you gotta do what ya gotta do. Tyr tries to tag Thor, but the Harbinger pulls him back and puts on a Boston crab! Tyr not submitting...he's crawling to Thor, but Taxes stops him with a boot to the head. The ref orders a break. Harbinger whips Tyr against the ropes, clothesline by Harbinger. A cover, a count, and...a kickout. Tag back to M. Taxes.
Taxes with an abdominal stretch on Tyr. Tyr still not giving...M. Taxes grabs the rope...again...on the third grab the ref sees and admonishes Taxes. Tyr trying to make the tag...the Harbinger stops him. Ref gives a final warning to the Inevitables. Tyr gives a powerslam on Taxes from out of nowhere! Both men down and the ref is counting them out: 1...2...3...Tyr getting up and the crowd is urging him on...4...5...Taxes crawling to the Harbinger now...6...7...Tyr makes the tag! Thor comes in as Taxes tags. Harbinger is begging off! Thor chokeslams the Harbinger! Taxes tries to come in and stop it, but Odin's on the outside holding him back! Thor pulls up the Harbinger, winds up, heart punch, bodyslam, 1...2...3! Thor wins for his team with his "Midjnor" punch-slam.
Here are your winners, Thor and Tyr, the WARRIOR GODS!
Impressive debut for both our teams, but chalk up a victory for the Vikings. Let's take you now to some pre-recorded comments from Bohemoth regarding Mexico Madness.
Hey Distruct, you are nothing but a cheap shot artist who couldn't fight against anyone, not even that stupid midget Pepe, and have a hope to win. You need Dr. Death and his needle to beat me - I'm going to rip his head off next time I see him. As for you, you will perish UNDERGROUND at Monster Bash. That is your punishment for cheating the might of Bohemoth.
As for this Mexico crap, I don't ever want to see it ever again. You had better be listening Kommissaar or whatever you call yourself, Mr. High and Mighty. I can't eat that crap they call food down there, and I couldn't import enough American food into that 3rd world shithole. I lost 20 pounds that I have to work to gain back. Mexico Unlimited just better stay out of my way, because after I'm finished with Distruct, I'm coming after you guys.
(Zoom out to show Bohemoth at a buffet table, where he starts grabbing food, taking one bite of each piece and throwing the rest away. Fade to black.)
Some harsh words there from Bohemoth. He's really breaking into his own since teaming up with ThatGuy and the Circus Freaks.
I don't know how the Kommissaar is going to take to his words though. Even still, I'm going to give it to Distruct at Monster Bash - he got skills!
We'll just have to wait and see. Our next match is for the tag team championships as newly crowned champs Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos take on the Circus Freaks.
ANOTHER tag match? Man, you really don't want anyone watching, do you?
This contest is for the tag team championship, and is set for one fall, with no count-outs or disqualifications. Making their way toward the ring, with a combined weight of 561 lbs., Sasquatch and Dizzy Desi, the CIRCUS FREAKS!
(Big top calliope music. Decent pop for the Freaks. Dizzy Desi continues to pound on his head with his hammer.)
And their opponents, the STWF/CSTLL tag team champions, José, Julio, LOS MEXICANOS NONDESCRIPTOS!
("Mexican Hat Dance" plays. LMN enter to huge boos as they wave the Mexican flag. El Presidente and Pepe the Mexican Midget join them.)
***bell rings.
Sasquatch locks up with José. Sasquatch with a bearhug - converts it to a belly-to-back. Picks José up, textbook bodyslam. Sasquatch now preparing for his "Saskatchewan Stomp": Going to the middle rope - José rolls out of the ring.
Man, that's smart. Outta da ring, where he got his homeys to help him out!
Sasquatch follows. El Presidente smacks Sasquatch over the head with his lead pipe! Now José is getting the flag...CRACK! Right across the back. Sasquatch removes some padding around the ring, picks up José, PILEDRIVER! Rolls him back in the ring. Sasquatch rolls in and tags Dizzy Desi. Julio is tagged in as well.
Julio seems disgusted - I guess he isn't used to Des' looks yet. Dizzy with an enzuigiri. Dizzy goes to the middle turnbuckle and waits...Julio gets up and receives a flying clothesline. The cover...Julio reverses it...1...2...Dizzy Desi rolls back:1...2...back again:1...Dizzy kicks out. Julio with a "Frankenondescriptos" and tries again. 1...2...shoulder up.
El Presidente is motioning to Pepe...he's setting up that ramp again...and here comes El Spheros! Pepe goes to the top turnbuckle to set up the "Rocket Launcher". Why doesn't the ref do something?
What can he do? No DQs!
He can at least tell Pepe to get down. Dizzy Desi oblivious to it all as he has Julio in a figure four. El Spheros comes up the ramp...Pepe jumps for the Launcher... OUCH! Pepe forgot that the MLG has a really low scoreboard. Pepe comes crashing down...Dizzy sees it and gets out of the way...Pepe falls on Julio! Tag to Sasquatch, who flies in and does his patented Saskatchewan Stomp! Julio gives, and this match is done.
Here are your winners, and NEEEEEEWW tag team champions, the CIRCUS FREAKS!
Oh boy, Mexico Unlimited doesn't look too happy about this... El Spheros and El Presidente join the fray and attack the Freaks for their win. Julio up now and he joins in the brawl. Bohemoth runs to the ring, and smacks El Presidente with the white cane...tosses Pepe aside like an old boot...Now Pedro Chang and Bucho Mugralez come to the ring to attack Bohemoth...it's all out chaos! And there's only one person left who can save everybody now...and here he comes...ThatGuy! The crowd goes nuts and chants "You're not safe!" Mexico Unlimited clears the ring; only the Asylum stays to wallow in victory.
I don't think it's over between these two factions, V. This could be an all-out war!
Indeed. Now let's take you to a little segment that we've compiled here. We asked some STWF members, "Who do you think BILL is?". Here's some responses.
The Square: I don't give a damn. Noooooo. Leave me alone.
El Presidente: Well, I hoord he khwas some leetle seexteen yeer old punta who was some kinda prodigy. Dey say he gonna be da nex' beeg theeng! Of course, he notting compared to El Spheros. VIVA!
Hugo Stonebreaker: D-uhh, some big guy like me, I heard. 7'6" he is, and 670 lbs! He tore an opponent's head off once, they say.
Captain Twilight: Well, I heard that Sugarplum Harry was building these clay pixie automatons - golems, he calls them - and he's brought one to life. I'm pretty sure that this clay-pixie is called BILL.
Sugarplum Harry: All I can tell you is that he'll be no match for my pixie golems once I find out how to animate them!
Well, that was a big help. Who edited that? Why would you put that comment from the Square in? You know he doesn't talk much. Anyway, finally, here he is, and for those of you wondering why we've skimped on pyrotechnics all this time, now you'll know!
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Currently in the ring, from St. John's, Nfld., weighing 255 lbs., the Red Snapper!
(Silence. Then a loud cannon blast is heard. The crowd erupts and starts chanting "BILL! BILL! BILL!"
And his opponent, from Springfield, Illinois, weighing 243 lbs., BILL!
(The 1812 Overture plays. Cannons blasting, lasers firing, fireworks going off all over creation, BILL walks in to a huge pop. When he enters the ring, a flaming "B" appears above the ring. BILL is dressed in a pair of plain green trunks.)
Wow! What an entrance! But somehow, I was expecting more from BILL than a regular-looking guy.
Looks can be deceiving. We have no idea what BILL will do in the ring, and I'm sure the Red Snapper is scared to death as a result.
***bell rings.
The Red Snapper extends his hand, er, claw. BILL shakes it and this match is on! BILL with an armdrag takedown, followed by an elbowdrop. BILL picks up the Snapper and gives him an airplane spin followed by a backdrop.
An AIRPLANE SPIN? Who the hell does BILL think he is - that's gotta be the dumbest move in the hist'ry of rasslin'!
Really? What about the mandible claw?
Hmmm...I guess you're right.
BILL now applying an Asiatic spike. The Red Snapper elbows BILL to break the hold. BILL executes a jackknife powerbomb! 1...2...no dice. BILL with a reverse neckbreaker. 1...2...still, the Snapper kicks out. BILL complains to the ref - the Red Snapper with a sunset flip:1...2...kickout by BILL. BILL now gives the Red Snapper a few turnbuckle smashes to keep him honest, and it looks like he's setting up for his finisher - the BILLplex!
This had better be good...
He lands it! 1...2...3!
A BILLplex? That was just a fisherman's suplex!
I thought it was good. Well, that was certainly an interesting debut.
You hyped BILL for weeks, and THAT'S what we get? Man, you suck, V!
I'm sorry you're disappointed. We'll be right back with our final match after this short break.

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Steppin' Out
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As darkness starts to creep into our days, so too does the mind grow darker. In only six weeks, the Monster Bash exposes the darkest side of wrestling yet: the gimmick matches. Send in your challenges now - and make the gimmick of the match as evil and bloody as you like. It will happen! Two matches signed thus far:
Distruct vs. Bohemoth - grudge match in a mine!
Colonel "Pops" Khorne vs. Sir Gary Glutton vs. Hammond Egger in a triangle food-fight match!
You can do better, or you can subject your challenge to the "bones of fortune", of which matches include matches-on-ice, moving bus matches, fire-wire matches, and tons more!
Hurry up, challenges close in four weeks. If not enough challenges occur, matches will be made for you (and you probably won't win).

And now...our final match of the evening, DeRanged gets a title shot against El Spheros, for his victory last week at Mexico Madness over ThatGuy and DeRanged. Both competitors are in the ring...
***bell rings.
DeRanged looking a little confused - El Spheros doesn't have many points at which you can grab him. DeRanged with a dropkick; El Spheros rolls against the ropes and barrels back, knocking DeRanged over. DeRanged with a double axhandle. He now chops El Spheros, and the crowd gives a "Whoo!" in appreciation.
That wasn't a reference to a mainstream wrestler, was it?
Of course not. We don't do that here. We satirize, not reference. Ooh! They clotheslined each other and are both down. The ref is counting...
(Crowd starts chanting "ARGOS!")
Only in Toronto, I suppose.
Quiet; we could be in Hamilton. DeRanged is up, covers: 1...El Spheros rolls over on top of DeRanged:1...2...kickout. Pretty difficult to kickout when El Spheros pins you - a lot of weight on a small area with him. El Spheros with a "reverse Frankenspheros". DeRanged rolls out of the ring and waits. El Spheros joins him. DeRanged with a series of punches and kicks, then rams him into the stairs!
That couldn't hurt the Sphere-boy. You think bowling balls get hurt when they knock over pins?
DeRanged with a figure-four outside the ring. He's not letting go...I don't think he even cares if they're going to be counted out! 5...6...
I don't know if DeRanged cares about titles, he just wants to hurt people!
***bell rings.
DeRanged still not letting go! Pedro Chang coming to the ring, kicking DeRanged, he's still not letting go! El Spheros is in agony!
***bell rings, louder.
Now here comes Tony Starks - I still don't know what he has against DeRanged. Starks, physically pulling DeRanged away from El Spheros, who is helped away by the Chinese Spic. DeRanged just glares at him. Starks applies a Starks Stunner neckbreaker! That's twice DeRanged has felt it - I thought he'd be prepared by now.
Tony Starks is leaving. He's laughing and pointing at DeRanged the whole time!
We have to go. We'll have some great matches for you next week, so until next time, keep your pants off!
(c) 1997 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre 1997