Monday Nae Trous
It's Number 69! Will This Turn the STWF Upside-Down?

(Before the credits, video footage of ThatGuy is shown. He's in a locker room, filing his teeth.)
Look! It's ThatGuy! And he's filing his teeth!
(Nobody listens to me...)
What implications could this possibly have for this special Monday Nae Trous? Stay with us, and you'll find out!
(Opening credits. Interior of the Chinook Dome. The Slobberknocker Arena is being fumigated. You leave for a few months and the place gets infested with mice, termites and hippies...I'm sure you all know the feeling.)
It's Monday Nae Trous! Do you know what that means?
Yes! It means I finally get to supplement my pension again! Goodbye Alpo, hello Science Diet!
And I get to quit my job at ESPN Business News, as a tape editor, yo.
ESPN Business News?
Well yeh, you think sports is just about games? Man, dis is da year 2000!
I miss the 80s.
I miss the 30s. At least money made sense back then.
Well since it's Monday Nae Trous Number 69, it wouldn't be complete without certain personalities...keeping that in mind, Sweet Candy Andy is set to take on Tanis Lupin.
This contest is set for one fall. Or not. Introducing first, accompanied by his Candygirls and Rimshot, representing Faces Incorporated, he is one half of the Shady Entrepreneurs...his Royal Sweetness, the Candyman, SWEET CANDY ANDY!
Man, my chocolate's SOOOOOOO sweet!
("Stayin' Alive" plays as Sweet Candy Andy struts to the ring. His Candygirls are all wearing Vancouver Grizzlies jerseys cut off at the midriff. Hey, it's all they could afford.)
His opponent, from Elftown, Planet of the Elven Folk...*squints at card, then throws it away* ... weighing in at 245 lbs., TANIS LUPIN, the Elven Werewolf!
("Greensleeves" plays over the PA, then switches to "Lunchbox" by Marilyn Manson. A silver haired man walks out in expensive jeans and a classy shirt.)

It looks like Rimshot is asking for a mic.
Rimshot: Alright, ya mug, clamp yer lips and perk up yer ears, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. We've got a deal for you, and you'd be best to take it 'cause the likes of you aren't gettin' any better. Candyman?
Sweet Candy Andy: Y'all look like a man who can appreciate the good things in life. Now, you don't HAVE to wrestle me if you don't wanna, 'cause I'll beat yo' a<-BLEEP-> and slap you down, and then take yo' money. You don't need that. So I'm'a gonna give you Gordita here.
Tanis: I don't follow.
Lupin: YEAH, WHAT'S THE CATCH? Grrr...
Sweet Candy Andy: The catch? Oh, you gotta get outta this fed f'good. Thass all. And you gotcho self a fine Mexican honey! Mm-mm, makes me wanna run fo' the border. Good enough to eat. Just don't drink the water or Montezuma's Revenge'll...

Yes, folks, we've hit a new level of irreverence. Keeping that in mind, this program is rated TV-14. So if you're under 14, or you act like it, stop watching. It's for your own good.

Tanis: After all that, I'm surprised she's still got all her teeth! Nevertheless, I accept.

(Tanis Lupin picks up Gordita and drapes her over his shoulder, caveman-style. Sweet Candy Andy looks pleased, as Gratuitous Tina, Miss Chlamydia, Sunshine the Stewardess and Crystal Beth look on.)
That's madness! Just like that, Tanis Lupin is gone! Sweet Candy Andy is going too far here.
Yo V, ya think if I promised to retire, Sweet Candy Andy'll give me Gratuitous Tina?
Probably not, he likes you too much.
Yeah, I'll just have to settle fo' this. (holds up a copy of the latest issue of Hardcore magazine, then switching its location to meet the camera.)
Have we stooped so low as to plug Hardcore magazine?
It is episode 69. They booked the advertising for this one since episode #30.
Alright, I won't argue the source of our income. We have to pay the people somehow. Alright! After that insanity, let's welcome our next match with open arms. Woodstock battles the Rump Ranger!
Yee-hah! Ride 'em, cowboy!
Captain Twilight...I never figured you for a Rump Ranger fan.
Rump Ranger? I thought you said Rump WRANGLER. My mistake.
Check, please!
(Two blonde men pop up from behind the booth)
Jan Plee: You wanten us to replacing your commentary, ja?
Bretislav Plee: I can do that! Give me headphone. (grabs headphone and speaks into earpieces) Breaker, breaker, give me tower. Headlock takedown!

Good enough. (leaves)
This is a singles match (because they can't get dates) scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring first, weighing in at some value greater we can't determine because he's made of snow, it's WOODSTOCK!
||| || |||| || ||||| ||| |
(Woodstock enters to the Peanuts theme, having recently bought it from Petey the Peanut Guy (man I miss him too)).
His opponent, the man he'll be going up against face to face (although if he gets his way it may be face to back very soon), the RUMP RANGER!
(The William Tell Overture blasts out of the PA...a man who could pass for "Soft Core" Zack's twin brother struts down the ring. He's using a hobby horse, and stops mid-way down the aisle to make suggestive bucking-and-slapping gestures while on it.)

Jan: Is all American cowboys dress this way?
Bretislav: Why callen them "ten-gallon hats"? What substance contains ten gallons in the hat?
Jan: You did not switching to metric system, you could having call it the forty-liter hat. Why are that not so?

Don't you gentlemen have a match to get ready for tonight?
***bell rings.
Alright, the Rump Ranger puts a quick chop to Woodstock. A few tufts of snow come flying right off him! Rump Ranger goes for a kick, Woodstock grabs the leg, and WOW! What an enzuigiri kick that was!
Jan: Snowman looks like he have troubles fighting in ring, ja?
Bretislav: Maybe when pinkman cowboy is finishing, everyone can having snowconicals! Ha ha ha!

Well, at least they're more coherent than Jamal.
You think?
No, not really.
Woodstock trying to mount a comeback. Rump Ranger trying to mount Woodstock!
I don't think Woodstock was designed with any...inlets...I mean, the guy's got no legs for crying out loud!
Jan: Looking like folk dance we saw back in Prague bar - what was it calling, brother?
Bretislav: I don't know of translation here much. "Holy Glory Men's Club"? Close to that.

Woodstock puts a jawbreaker to the Rump Ranger. RR is stunned, but he gets right back up.
I would imagine he's used to that by now.
Woodstock going to the top rope! High crossbody headed your way...Rump Ranger evades the maneuver.
Woodstock lands badly...oh, that's one bad mess. Rump Ranger covers what are apparently his shoulders...1....2....3! Rump Ranger wins!
Here is your winner....THE RUMP RANGER!
Jan: Hooray! Let us go to replay. Chet, roll it!
What? You can't be serious!
Bretislav: Here snowman hops to top hempline. He making hesitations, and this really is his downcoming. Leap across, pinkman cowboy jumps out of way, snowman drops to burlap and makes winter. Three counts. Your winner, pinkman cowboy.
That's canvas, not burlap.
Jan: This changing whole strategy for fight against Lukas Warm, brother.
Bretislav: It seeming we are no longer at housecourt advantage.

I don't know how much longer I can take this, Captain Twilight.
I agree. I think these Czechs need some balances.
Thankfully we can start the next match. And boy it's a doozy...on one hand you've got the Tiger, arguably one of the greatest athletes in our "sport", and douja, who doesn't even know he's alive half the time, and doesn't care the rest of the time.
On the other side you've got Neige 13, arguably the most hated competitor here today if not ever, and Mittens, a man so evil he can touch the tainted power of saidiTNM. It's going to drive him insane, I tell you!
If he's not there already. When was the last time you heard him use a first-person pronoun?
This is a tag team contest, set for best four out of seven falls. Just kidding! It's set for one fall. Ha ha!
Audience: GROAN.
You guys were supposed to groan, not say it. Anyway, introducing first, a not-so-unlikely alliance, after all, it IS a football player and someone who's into drugs, how far apart could they be?
Can we get away with that?
Evidently, yes.
("Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor vs. Armand van Helden plays. The Tiger runs to the ring carrying a barely-conscious douja over his shoulders.)
And their opponents, the Big Hurty and Daddy Cool, the epitome of ignorant evil and immature jackass...hey, who wrote these cuecards? Well, at least it doesn't say which is which. Here are MITTENS AND NEIGE THIRTEEN!
(The delicious irony of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" plays as Neige walks in Mittens. Mittens is still holding up the golden statue of the Darkspawn Oliver Copp like it was a Slammy or something. He walks up to Kamera Kid and makes belt-motions around his waist.

***bell rings.
douja is plopped into the middle of the ring as he starts off against Neige Thirteen. Neige grabs douja by the hair and whips him into the buckle!
Some dirty tactics to start off. He's really beefing up his heel role, there.
Jan: Albino with heads of vapour as he make running shoulderblock into smokeman. Smokeman drops like ton of clay.
Bretislav: This albino, he is works for man with beanie, ja? I hearing something of white slavery in America, is this what is being means?

(Angus and Cap look at each other and roll their eyes)
Neige bodypresses douja in a feat of strength. Strange because Neige is more of an acrobat, really...
douja makes the tag to the Tiger. Tiger jumps the ropes and catches Neige off guard with a dropkick! Picks up His Neigeness and into a fireman's carry takedown. Things are really heating up now! well they should be because this hell of a...match. Yeah. Neige Thirteen goes for a hurricanrana...hits it! Tiger rolls out of it and gives a wicked forearm to Mittens on his way up. Mittens entering the ring...the ref making him stay put. Tiger motioning for douja to get in for doubleteaming...douja won't have any of it!
Jan: I thinking smokeman is far too in his own little planet to being understood what is take place here now.
Bretislav: I am incline to concurrence with brother.

Neige makes the tag to we go! Staredown ensues...Mittens picks up the Tiger like a limp dishrag and here's a running powerslam! Ooh, boy, the Tiger is gonna feel that one tomorrow.
The Tiger could be in serious trouble if he doesn't make the tag soon...but how much more effective can douja be than one of the greatest faces to hit the STWF scene?
Tiger with a desperation move, he kicks Mittens below the belt!
You can't fight evil with good all the time. Besides, it's all relative now.
douja steps in the ring. He's already got his fist taped up!
Jan: Where got he the tape to applying to fist?
Bretislav: Luckily for smokeman a fan in front row having some to being spared.

douja winding up while Mittens still reeling...and douja just clocked the Tiger!
What a completely....expected turn of events!
You saw this coming, Cap?
You didn't?
Mittens picks up the Tiger by the neck...I think it's chokeslam time...there it is...
Jan: May I be saying it....please?
Oh, fine, I don't think you'll be commentating ever again anyway.
Bretislav: You leave none for me?

Mittens sits on Tiger for a rather unorthodox cover: 1...2...3! I can't believe it, the Tiger was set up and now he's being taken down! much more can the Tiger take? He's being MAULED in there! This is unacceptable!
Wait! It's Luke Warm! Luke Warm is here!
Bretislav: Times to create some last-minutes scouting, brother...
Luke grabs douja and separates him from the other two. And now who's that? MY God, it's Virago!
Another member of Faces Incorporated coming to the ring. She's going at it with Mittens, and to think you'll be able to see more of this at SUPERCARD V only on pay-per-view!
That leaves only Neige Thirteen continuing to kick the Tiger into the ground. Who will save him?
It's ThatGuy! The Wheelbarrow Man is dropping him off at ringside and here comes one of the most loved, if one of the most sporadic, wrestlers here in the STWF to save the day!
Look at that! douja is going for the ride...STONECUTTER!
Jan: See? You are having a yells to yourself.

Virago and Mittens are taking this through the audience, knocking over several children and old ladies in the process! Event security is on the scene, but only to make sure no 150-pound teenagers will hurt these 300-plus-pound monsters by actually hitting them!
Hey, when you have all those hormones raging through you, who knows what you're capable of. I only have a vague memory of my teenage years, being nearly 70 years ago, plus those army lab experiments...
ThatGuy headbutts Neige right to the ground! Neige lands on his arm...perfect position for...
The Hideous Finger Bite! The crowd is going absolutely nuts!
(Angus pulls out a conch shell and blows it. Silence)
The Ambulance Jockeys are ready at ringside to collect Neige Thirteen. There's the spurt of blood...Neige is down his left ring finger!
Oh...he wasn't about to get married anytime soon.
Barry Brown is trying to get ThatGuy to cough it up so he can get it into the plastic bag. Okay, there it is. ThatGuy just took the bag and whipped it into the audience! People are fighting for a priceless souvenir!
Neige jumps the security barrier, trying to get it back. Time will tell if he's down that finger for life or if he can find it and get it reattached.
Remember what happened to Viet Kong? Reattached fingers are never the same.
I hardly think his finger will turn bright orange if reattached, Vince.
Here are your winners...MITTENS AND NEIGE THIRTEEN! Here is your moral victor: ThatGuy!
Let that be a lesson to all who invoke my name! I'm not Mankind! I'm hardly a man! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Now who wants to see me drink some acid?
(Crowd cheers)
And there he goes...he's got that sulphuric acid, he's chugging it like a pro! And he breaks the bottle over his head to show he's done.
That would explain all the small bald patches, by the way.
Jan: We would be loving to stay and chatter with you two, but we are having to leave and practicing.
Bretislav: Ja, we have new move that will stun world when we pin Lukas Warm.

The only thing that will get stunned, wait, it's a Stonecutter. Never mind.
Careful, Vince, you never know who's watching.
Oh, sure we do. All we have to do is see who's copied us this week.
Alright! I hope Virago is done with Mittens because she's up next, fighting Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants. If she loses, she's going to have to get breast augmentation surgery!
It's win-win for Virago.
Not to mention the audience, yo.
Good to have you back, Jamal. Those Czechs sure get annoying after a while.
Hey look, it's Sir Hungalot...I think he's got something to say.
Here comes the knight in latex armour now. Everybody be quiet and give him his's a special MNT69 interview!
Why thank you,'s great to "come" down and "spill" my guts for a while. Now the Big Sir KNOWS, that everyone here is wondering, just how big is the Big Sir? And not everyone can handle my movies without dying of jealousy...not to mention shock. So as a special little treat, to all the ladies out there...
(screams from small minority of audience)
...and unfortunately for a select group of non-ladies...
(louder, remarkably more feminine screams, from first three rows)
I see we found the GLAAD convention.
(huge screams of recognition)
...I'm going to show everyone here just what's under the three-legged jeans!

He can't be serious, yo!
Oh...but I can. So Vic, all I need you to do is cue up my music. And let's put the "Without Pants" in "Nae Trous"!
(He unbuttons his pants and waits. The music is cued...Blink 182's "All the Small Things".)
WHAT?! Oh, that's it, Vic, you've screwed up for the last time!
Looks like we've been deprived of yet another money shot here in the STWF.
And speaking of money shots, this contest is scheduled for one fall, introducing first, accompanied by StreetMime, the manliest woman this side of Nicole Bass, and quite possibly on the other side, too, from Androscoggin County, Maine, here's VIRAGO!
("You Could Have Been a Lady" by April Wine plays. Virago enters wearing a loose top. She then pauses in the middle of the ring and the spotlight falls on her. StreetMime rips off the loose top to reveal a skintight tube top. She starts flexing and pressing her breasts together.)

Now thass what I call a total package!
Virago: Now wait just a minute! So you're saying the breast enhancement deal is out of the equation? If I lose, I don't need to improve upon perfection? Great! Bring it on!
When did dis all stop making sense?
Depending on your definition of "all", I'd say three years.
His opponent, the man who has more euphemisms for kicking someone than Gary Gourmando has chins, the man voted Master of the Mic by the NationWide EnQuisitor, Dr. SILLACONNE M. PLANTS!
("Smooth Operator" by Sade plays. Dr. Plants stands at the top of the aisle, looking confident, inhaling deeply. He struts down the aisle and rolls into the ring, immediately attacking Virago before Creepy-T has a chance to ring the bell.)

***bell rings.
Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants sure has his work cut out for him tonight. He's fighting not only for a title shot, but to avoid a steel cage match with three men! Or men and women, as the case might be.
I don't know if he can do it tonight, Vince.
Dr. Plants charges Virago with a bodypress and sends her square to the mat! Fists of fury straight across the chops! The ref is making him back off, and now he's receiving some classic Italian lip! Look at those hands flail. He pulls up Virago by the hair, he slaps on a chickenwing, and leverages it into a takedown. Armbar now applied by the breastman.
Virago in trouble, yo.
Why was DK so confident about this match? Virago's hardly putting up any defense!
Virago reaches the ropes. A back kick sends SMP staggering a bit. Clothesline by the corporate enforcer, and the crowd just got into this match! Listen to those cheers! A "Virago is the Man" chant is being started.
How can you not get behind someone like Virago?
...Nah, too easy, yo.
Virago slaps on a sleeperhold. Now she's doing a grinding maneuver with her hips, but I can't judge its effectiveness.
Psychological tactics on the part of Virago there. SMP looks visibly uncomfortable and WOW! What a wicked elbow to the head! Virago's going to have a nasty bruise on her temple tomorrow.
SMP grabs his opponent's head and swinging neckbreaker! 1...2...AND HE GOT 'ER! No he didn't.
That ain't neva gonna die, is it?
Not as long as I'm alive, no.
Good ta know.
Virago is up, she's seething with rage! Whip to the turnbuckle, she's running like a madwoman and there's an absolutely ferocious axe kick to Plants' collarbone! This match is intense!
And folks, if you think this is good, wait'll you see Luke Warm squash Czech Plees.
Hey, now, that hasn't been determined yet.
Oh no? Page 67.
(flipping pages) Hmmm...he's right folks, it's going to be brutal so stick around! Meanwhile, Virago has put on a Boston Crab!
I see dat Virago slowin' it down, yo. Goin' fo' submission moves.
Good point, Jamal, I see Enrique gave you a few intelligent lines. Virago wants this match at her pace, and rightly so because she's not as quick as the Italian Doctor but I'd say she's stronger.
But Plants is still no 98-pound weakling. He just pushed off with his hands and grabbed Virago's head, effectively snapping her neck back! She falls on him. Both people were hurt pretty bad on that one.
What a match! Iss like iss some old-skool MNT action happnin'.
Both men are d....both man and woman are down! The ref is counting. 1.....2.....3....
Oh, the suspense is killing me, I can't watch!
Someone's coming down to ringside! She looks out of place...oh my God, it's Jenny Jones!
Is she still on da air?
That doesn't matter, as we all recall SMP did a number on Jenny Jones so long ago, and it looks like now is the time for revenge!
I thought Jenny Jones already came out once to do this. Am I going senile?
Yes, but that might not be the issue. I can't recall either. Jamal?
Whut, y'all think I checked da archives o' sumpin'?
Well she's here...StreetMime distracting the referee with his act.
Ref: Hey, cool! It's like you're leaning on an imaginary table! Now you're walking against the wind! Now you're eating something and getting sick from it...this is amazing! It's just like...
Jenny Jones just put Virago over on SMP! StreetMime pointing to the action in the ring. The ref counts: 1.....2.....3! The fans are going wild! This is a travesty....
Shhh....SMP is a bad guy, remember?
Oh yeah, that's right...Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants got exactly what he deserved and he's going to be paying for it next week on Monday Nae Trous. So take THAT!
Jenny Jones: I'd just like to thank Der Kommissaar for giving me the opportunity to get out here and give you what was coming to you, Doc! You're just lucky I didn't reveal your same-sex crush!
Jenny Jones: Oh, did you like that? Then why aren't you watching my show? I need the ratings...bad...please?
Here is your winner....VIRAGO!
Virago: Did anyone honestly think that DK would allow you the opportunity to beat an IG contender before SUPERCARD? Think again! No hard feelings, of course. It's just business. Speaking of business, here's my card and spare hotel keys. No pressure. (blows a kiss)
Monday Nae Trous is getting far too raunchy for my civilized tastes.
Relax, it's only for this special episode. Come #70, nobody will realize that sex exists.
They WON'T? I cain't live in a world like that! Dis is cruel `n' unusual punishment,V!
That's fine, the Geek can cover for you or something, he's perfectly suited to a card like that.
The following contest is set for one fall. Making their way to the ring first, from the Czech Republic, with a total combined weight of 465 lbs., Jan Plee and Bretislav Plee, they are...CZECH PLEES!
("The Plzener Polka", with accordion by Franz Plee and Walter Ostanek, plays. Czech Plees enter waving their flag.)
And their opponent, from Bumbledink, TX, the man, the myth, the chocolatey goodness, here is LUKE WARM!
(The sound of breaking stuff. Luke Warm enters on a fan-man pack and flies into the ring. Now let's just hope this isn't repeated in the WWF and Bob Holly doesn't get killed, cause let's face it, he needs a new gimmick and bad, and they're willing to try anything.)

Luke Warm: I agree! (double thumbs-up, wild cheers)
Luke Warm tosses aside the fan-man pack and here we go!
***bell rings.
Luke Warm is starting off with...that's Jan in the ring there, isn't it?
That's Jan.
Alright, Jan in the ring.

Don't ask me why announcers do back-and-forthers like that one...they just do.

Jan goes for a right hand, blocked by Luke, Luke with a pumphandle slam and the crowd loves it!
Man, dis is great!
Jan is up. He's off the ropes, going for a lariat, Luke dodges and Jan keeps going. He's locked in the opposite ropes!
Not a good start for Czech Plees.
Luke with a series of kicks. He pulls him out of the ropes and heaves him towards Bretislav. The tag is made. Bretislav with a moonsault off the top turnbuckle! Too bad Luke is still up. He catches him and that's a nasty powerslam.
Czech Plees don't have a lot going for them here, Vince. Limited ring skills, no valet, and their burlap T-shirt itches like the Dickens!
At leas' dey got demselves a funny name.
There's always that, yes. Gorilla press by Luke right onto the canvas!
Look at that Czech bounce, yo!
Well we had to do that joke eventually.
Luke with an elbowdrop. He makes a cover: 1...2...still some life left in Bretislav. Both men up, Luke's got him in position...he's waiting for the audience to give him the cheer to get him going...
Could we see another STONECUTTER here tonight?
STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! Jan is in the ring to make the save...STONECUTTER ON JAN! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! He hooks a leg on each for a double pin: 1...2...3! Triumphant return for Luke Warm, ladies and gentlemen!
Here is your winner...LUKE WARM! (cheers)
Wow...what a match! And now...the results of the ICCTINACBBIC matchups...

Tyrone Mayhem defeats Lenny "the Force" Baxter in an awesome matchup going about 19 minutes. Highlights include Lenny Baxter giving Tyrone a severe wedgie, and Tyrone using a jar of mayonnaise offensively in a maneuver that could only be seen to be believed! We're sorry you missed it!
Coma defeats Tentin Quarentino by disqualification when Tentin repeatedly pistol-whipped the referee and kicked him in the kneecaps, after he refused to acknowledge that he pulled Coma's hair. Directors, I tell ya, they're temperamental as they come.
Those matches completed, on Thursday Something-or-Other it's Tyrone Mayhem vs. Coma for the ICCTINACBBIC belt! Who will win? I can assure you one's NOT Bill Gates!

Thanks to Ratings Man for that special announcement...we're sorry we couldn't show you the full matches as they were completed in a separate ceremony on Sunday Night. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some work to do inside the ring.
(Angus leaves the booth and hits the ring)
Ladies and gentlemen, as you're well aware the time is ripe for the handing over of the Undefendable Belt, as it hasn't been defended in a thirty-day period (chuckles from audience), so right now I'd like to ask the Right Hand Man, and current champ Coma, to come out in the presentation of the new Undefendable Belt champion.
No Paaants, that's what we got...
(The Right Hand Man walks to the ring, shaking hands on his way down as if he was some aging veteran like Larry Z. Coma is rolling down the aisle as if he was a highly uncoordinated El Spheros.)
RHM: Today marks the dawn of a new era...well, okay, a new month-long era. After diligent watch over everyone in this great fed, the STWF (cheers), the Undefendable Belt goes to the person we feel is the most improved, and least likely to climb the ranks to get a belt otherwise within the month...that person is none other than douja!
How strange that the very person who turned on the Tiger, a fellow member of Faces Inc., just today, is to be crowned the Undefendable Champion!
RHM: Yeah, well, we didn't know it was going to happen, okay? It's not like we WRITE the SCRIPTS or anything...
(douja meanders down the aisle with a bong.)
Noink! Champ hee hee hee wuzzima woo!
douja: man, well put, f<-BLEEP->a.. huh huh.. you got some phat beats, yo.. great fo' smokin' some of my sh<-BLEEP->t to.
RHM: As much as I loathe to give it to you now, douja, you deserve it. Congratulations. And if you try anything funny when I shake your hand, I'll have you know event security are armed with tasers tonight.
(Loud buzzing noises from all over the arena. Apparently, event security didn't know what they were...dozens are being stunned in the testing.)

And there it is! The Right Hand Man shaking the hand of the new Undefendable Champion, douja! Wear it proud, man.
How do y'all think he'll celebrate this?
How else? By doing the same thing he does every night, then waking up wondering what he did the night before.
What a champ!
On Thursday Something-or-Other, you'll see the glorious return of Billy Polar, the mysterious return of somebody else...the North American Belt is up for grabs as the Violent Pacifist faces ThatGuy...what? That can't be right! And the Ambulance Jockeys take on the Head Trauma Boys! Oh boy, it's going to be a Thursday alright.
On behalf of Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, saying keep your pants off, and we hope you enjoyed #69. ©2000 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre