Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is set for one fall. Already in th ring, representing the lower echelons of Faces, Inc., this.... is.... STREETMIME!
Dat's ma boy, yo!
And his opponent... NEIGE THIRTEEN!
And the match is underway! Looks like StreetMime is taking an early lead with a big kick
to Neige's gut!
What do you mean, early lead? It didn't do a damn thing! Neige Thirteen shaking off the kick and punching StreetMime in the chops! Big slam by the newcomer.
Neige Thirteen looking sharp in his debut matchup here...
He fitin' StreetMime, yo! It in'nt like he going up against a REAL rassler, dig?
Just the same, Neige Thirteen totally dominating the matchup thus far. And a suplex sends the mime reeling! What power the controversial new star is demonstrating.
Of a fashion. That's really the whole point of a jobber debut, you know.
I suppose so... Ooh! Did you see that shoulderblock! StreetMime not able to mount any offense against the onslaught he's under here.
Thank tha bookaz fo' that, yo.
But wait! A poke in the eye by StreetMime! And Neige is reeling just a bit!
Finally we see some kernel of offense from the little mimey bastard.
StreetMime winding up to hit Neige with a chair he doesn't have... oh this is really too bad... Mimes really shouldn't try chairshots, as a rule. Neige back to his feet now, and it looks like the mime lost his balance a little from that mighty swing. Ooh! Look at that kick by Neige! StreetMime staggered right into that one. That must be the "Doke" kick!
He got him cova'd, yo! Da ref be countin'!
And this one is over!
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner... NEIGE THIRTEEN!
Neige has a mike now... what's he got to say to the crowd?
Now you people listen here, Gundam it!
No, YOU listen here, boyo!
Who's that? What did I just hear?
Iz mah homeboys, yo! Go teeeeam! Yeeeah boyeee!
Luke Warm and The Tiger are down by the Monstron and they've got a microphone! I smell a confrontation...
Your powers of perception are destined to become the stuff of legend.
TIGER: Wussup, all ya'll?
I taught him that, yo.
TIGER: Well lookie here!
LUKE: It's Neige 13!
N13: THIRTEEN, GUNDAM IT!
LUKE: Right, 13.
TIGER: Yeah, 13. I heard him say 13. What's your problem, anyway?
LUKE: I think he thinks he's a Power Ranger.
N13: That's not even anime! What's wrong with you?
TIGER: And you do the "Dookie" kick? Green Day sucks, man! Come on!
N13: It's a "doke," Gundam it! It's anime! It's my gimmick! The gimmick you guys tried to take away from me!
LUKE: What's a "gimmick," and why is it so important to have one?
TIGER: Not a clue. I'm The Tiger, you're Luke Warm, what's a couple faces like us need with it-- whatever it is?
LUKE: And what the heck is "gundam" anyway? What a jacquea<-BLEEP->!
TIGER: No kidding! Get a life, ya homeaux!
N13: At least I RP more than you guys! Just look at the Flashboard!
LUKE: What's an RP?
TIGER: No idea. What's "the Flashboard?"
LUKE: Got me. Oh well. Weren't we out here for a reason?
TIGER: Kinda. Neige... listen up. You're a marked man, superstar. From here on out you've got to deal with us, and with our new attitude-- the greatest tag team in the history of the STWF-- FACES OF DEATH!
LUKE: That's right, kid. You trash talk the Tiger, you trash talk me, you threaten the Right Hand Man... did you really think you wouldn't have to pay the piper? A toast... to THE FACES OF DEATH!
(And out comes the Luke-Hoo. Luke and the Tiger clink bottles and partake of the chocolatey goodness as they head back to the locker room area, leaving a puzzled Neige Thirteen in the ring.)
Well, Tiger and Luke Warm wasting no time letting Neige Thirteen know just how they feel
Yo, don't nobody like his snowy a<-BLEEP->?
In any case, we've got a nice meaningless match for you now! Lenny "The Force" Baxter taking on The Pencil-necked Geek! You know, a lot of people think this will be the match that helps determine who gets the privilege of defeating Bill Gates in a math for the ICCTINACBBIC belt.
What? Dat's Tyrone's belt, yo!
This is the next match of the evening... now making his way to the ring, weighing in at a mighty 115 pounds, THE PENCIL-NECKED GEEK!
(The Geek finds his way into the ring to the "Beer Barrel Polka." Isn't it grand?)
And his opponenent, from the Freak Capitol of Canada, weighing 190 pounds, LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER!
(And out comes Lenny and on comes "Carmen.")
And we're off! The Geek swinging madly like a little... well... Pencil-necked geek! Look
at the rage in the Geek's eyes! This is a man who wants to show the world why he deserves to
meet Gates for the ICCTINACBBIC title! Nice shot to the face by the Geek- he's taking no
prisoners this time around.
It really is amazing that someone so small can get the job done in there. But oh, it looks like Lenny is getting a little offense of his own built up now!
Well, in all fairness, how hurt could he really have been? You ever taken a flurry of punches from a guy who weighs 115 pounds?
Sonny, I've taken more beatings from more 90-pound weaklings...
Ouch! Inverted atomic drop by the Geek just as The Force slowed his attack down a little. And Lenny "The Force" Baxter will be walking funny for a little while after that one!
Geek measuring Lenny up now... it looks like he's going in for a big clothesline... he hit it all right, and damage was done, but the guy just didn't go down!
Again, basic physics at play here.
And now the Geek bounces off the ropes and nails a shoulderblock on the reeling Baxter! That did the trick! Both men down, but PNG is quick to his feet. Stomping on "The Force" now. Looks like Baxter may have underestimated the Geek's capacity to bring some aggression to the table here, Vince.
Yes indeed. And now he's throwing Baxter into the corner of the ring! And boy does that ever smart!
How would you know?
The Geek clambering up on the ropes now over Lenny and flailing wildly... oh! The Force pushing the Geek off the ropes with authority!
Authority? I don't think it takes much authority to throw the geek anywhere. Lenny finally getting a little bit of an attack together. Punch to the Geek sends him down and now Lenny is going for a big press slam!
And down goes the Geek. Looks like the tide has turned as the Geek writhes on the mat.
What the heck is Lenny doing? He's just standing in the corner...
I think I know where this is going... Lenny "The Force" Baxter now looking lost in deep, intense concentration while the Geek struggles to his feet. Lenny going for the Head Explody and demonstrating his flat learning curve while the Geek looks on!
You ever notice how silly he looks when he's trying to do that move?
He certainly doesn't look right, Cap. Facial contortions and little noises coming from "The Force" now, and the Geek seems to be growing a little irritated with it... I'm not sure I get it, but he looks absolutely furious!
QUIT MAKIN' FUN O' ME!
Geek is going absolutely nuts! He's all over Lenny and he just won't let go! Choking
The Force out now... the referee giving fair warning here...
I think the Geek assumed Lenny was making fun of him when he was going for the Head Explody. That's what you get for making stupid faces, I guess.
Speaking of stupid faces, Jamal has been awfully silent. Jamal? JAMAL!
*snort* AHHK! I'm up, yo!
Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has disqualified The Penil-necked Geek. The winner of the match, LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER!
Oh well then. I guess the ref had enough of PNG's little episode.
Another match down, but there's still more to come here on Monday Nae Trous.
Marq's Root Beer. Marq's has mites.
Luke finds his way to the ring in black and white striped jeanshorts... class act, that Luke Warm.
Luke in the ring now and the fans are going wild for him! And down goes a Luke-Hoo!
LUKE WARM: All right folks, I got some ground rules! Patrickson, no funny business. Polar, you don't bring your bodyguard down here because this is MY ring! I'll keep law and order-- you don't need him.
And now ladies and gentlemen, introducing our first contestant--BILLY POLAR!
And out comes Billy Polar! A few fans really giving it up for this youngster!
It's tough to hate the kid, you know?
At least he being pretty funny and all, yo. Sometimes we really need a man to come and make us laugh.
That was beautiful, Jamal.
And his opponent, from the back office, welcome to the ring... PATRICK "THE FINGER" PATRICKSON!
(P.P. makes his way into the ring to a fanfare of fruitiness.)
Looks like the finger said a little something to Luke Warm just there on his way in. I
know there's been speculation that Luke might be in cahoots with the Finger, but he looked
pretty grossed out just now.
WHOA! Billy Polar didn't even wait for the bell! He is just tearing into The Finger like there's no tomorrow! My gosh!
I hope you don't mind your fruit a little bit bruised, folks, because Billy Polar is just pummeling The Finger!
Polar really working Patrickson over now... Why did he agree to this anyway? When you're really just not much of a wrestler, you really don't belong in the ring. Wouldn't you say so, Jamal?
Ey, that wuz WEAK, yo.
OH! Low blow by The Finger. That's going to slow Billy Polar down....
Luke Warm didn't like that one bit-- he's admonishing Patrickson.... Patrickson looking toward the special guest ref now and licking his lips while BP tries to shake off the shot he just took.
Dis ain' good, yo. I don't think Luke bread be buttered on dat side, ifyaknowhutIbesayin.
Patrickson sacheting over to where Luke is-- where did that hand just go?
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU DAMN DIRTY FRUIT!
Ladies and gentlemen, Luke Warm has awarded the match to Billy Polar "because I can, and that's the lower lattitude."
Well that's that then! Billy Polar victorious over The Finger.
Hold up, yo. Something goin' on.
You're right... Billy Polar is looking down at the very unconscious Patrickson.
Kid could always sell a move, I tell ya....
BP stomping away at... ohhhh, I get it! Billy Polar is pulverizing the hand of Patrick Patrickson! He won't be fingering anybody for a good long while!
I guess Billy Polar found a way to end the Finger's reign of terror!
Or the Ivory Tower found a way to end da angle, yo!
Polar parading off very satisfied with himself as The Finger is attended to at ringside.
He'll be fine. The creepy ones always are.
And now folks, we've got a doozy of a fight for you! The North American title was vacated after the Mad Cow decided to leave the STWF, so two of the top contenders will face one another to see who will wear the vacant title as Homicidal Hank takes on the Violent Pacifist!
Aaight, peepz, this one's for the open North American Championship.
I taught him that, yo. I be teachin lotsa people lotsa things!
Introducing, from Seattle, Washington, challenger number one: THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
And out comes VP to a hail of response from this crowd.
And challenger number two: from (giggle) Inter(snicker)course, Pennsylvania, HOMICIDAL HANK!
This one's gonna be a good one-- two guys who like to hit.
Game on, yo!
Game on, indeed! The bell has rung and the match is underway!
Here comes the Violent Pacifist! He's getting a good start on the Homicidal One with a kick to the gut! And a punch to the gut! And a... headbutt to the gut?
I guess he has his reasons.
Pickup by the Violent Pacifist- and he throws Hank into the turnbuckles. Hank looks a little groggy here... I'd hate to see the coveted North American title get won without any kind of real fight!
No way, yo! Hank can take more dan dat!
I agree with the kid. And here's exhibit A. Hank upright in the corner screaming at the Pacifist. I think he wants more!
I guess sometimes it really pays to be completely insane! Homicidal Hank telling the VP to bring it on! And VP charges Hank-- OH! Hank ducked at the last instant and sent VP flying out of the ring. And over the top rope goes Hank! Crashing down on VP as the action spills outside.
Yeah, but he damn near knocked them both out with that little maneuver.
Both men getting up to their feet outside the ring and trading blows now. So here we have an exciting, galvanizing, see-saw matchup that has the viewers riveted to their seats!
Well, okay. So we don't. But this is what you get.
Shouldn't the ref be counting these guys?
I don't think the ref is interested. There has to be a winner, so the ref is sitting in the ring having himself a smoke! I guess that he'll be back in this once the action returns to the ring. And that might be a while. Looks like Hank has found himself a chair, and that chair has found itself the top of VP's head!
The Violent Pacifist down in front of us... and Homicidal Hank over to the Spanish announcer's table for some reason... usually your opponent needs to be over there for that particular table to be of any use. He picks up the table, much to the confusion of the announcers, and... throws it to the side?
Dis could get ugly, yo...
Oh my goodness! Homicidal Hank picking up one of the Spanish announcers! He's going over to- OH MY GOD! He's just smashed the Violent Pacifist with the Spanish announcer!
More power to him if he's using people. That poor table's been through enough.
And it's all Hank now, rolling VP back into the ring while our poor Spanish announcer staggers off. What a fight! Hank back into the ring now, and he follows up with a couple big stomps to the fallen VP!
Dat's not lookin' good fo' VP now, dig? I think he's real close to not being da champ right now.
As it stands now, neither man is the champ, so we're about as close as either of them until we have a winner, Einstein.
Enough already, you two!
Two? I di'int do nothing, yo!
And here comes Hank again! He's throwing VP into the ropes looking for the lariat...
We call them "clotheslines" now, sir. OH! VP gets an arm out and both men are down from a double clothesline.
Whatever you want to call it, it looks like it's quite efective... both men very slow getting up, but it looks like VP is making up first.
Odd considering how much more damage the VP has absorbed. The Violent one picking Hank up now...
Looks like he's got a plan-- throwing Hank into the corner and signalling the crowd. And in comes the VP, hoisting Hank up on the ropes.
He's got him way up there- he's going for the Nine-inch Nailer here!
Wait! It looks like Hank was playing possum... he's still up! He's grabbed hold of VP's neck and throws him from the top rope!
And Homicidal Hank now on the top turnbuckle with The Violent Pacifist down on the mat... and he's going for a big splash here-- he makes the leap- OH! VP got his knees up and drove them right into Hank's exposed midriff!
Fashionable one, that Hank.
VP rolling Hank over now... he's got him covered and I don't think Hank is in any shape to get up from this one. One... two... three! We've got ourselves a North American champ!
Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, the North American Champion, THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
Well, there's one less controversy to think
about. Now all we have to do to get the title
situation straight is see if Bill Gates is going to step up to the plate
and fight like a
And we'll just have to wait and see on that one, Cap. But right now we have the main event of the evening as Faces of Death meet the team of Bohemoth and Dr. Silaconne M. Plants.
You mean the Megafaces and the Megaschmucks, yo!
Don't let the Heelsiders hear you saying that, Jamal. Now let's go down to the ring and the erstwhile Announcer Lad.
Ladies and Gentlmen, this is the main event of the evening! First, from Richmond, Virginia and Bumbledink, Texas, welcome The Tiger and Luke Warm-- THE FACES OF DEATH!
(The team comes to the ring to a Mighty Morphin' Power pop as stuff breaking to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger" blares.)
Certainly a busy night for Luke Warm tonight.
That's why this could be the BEST NAE TROUS EVER!
Don't do dat, yo.
And their opponents, representing the Heelside Stranglers, the team of DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS and the STWF Intergalactic champion, BOHEMOTH!
(Something might be playing on the PA as the team makes their way out, but if it is it's drowned out by chants of "Boooooooooooooo." They're calling the champ's name; just ask him.)
All the participants in the ring now... and it's time to get it on!
And off we go... Tiger and Dr. Plants in the ring right now...
circling quite a lot...
neither man seems too interested in doing anything.
See, this is the problem with wrestling on Monday nights! You're so bloated and hung over from the weekend that you're really ineffective in the circled square!
A lock-up now... and Dr. Plants get the better of that one- he ducked The Tiger on the lockup and hit a big gutwrench suplex! That's going to take a little starch out of El Tigre...
No way, yo! He got da power o' Lukeamania making his madness even more powerful wi' power, yo!
Right. And did the power help him not feel the effects of the headbutt Plants just laid on him?
No bickering in the booth please, folks. Let's leave it for the ring. But Silaconne M. Plants is indeed in control here- throwing The Tiger into the ropes and coming back with a vicious clothesline! And now he's taunting Luke Warm!
I don't know that that's such a good idea, historically.
Good point, Cap. And Luke took the bait- in he comes and now the referee is pushing him back while Plants chokes The Tiger out...
Be smarter dennat, Luke!
Looks like Luke Warm is headed back to his corner now... and a tag in to Bohemoth, the IG champ. And big Bo wastes no time at all smashing The Tiger with a massive slam! Tiger slow to get up after that shot.
You suppose maybe there's some bad blood here what with Bo winning the IG strap just a little while ago?
Oh no doubt. In fact, every single wrestler in the STWF, INCLUDING Bohemoth was so upset over the title change that they all threatened to leave the fed! Tiger in the wrong corner now... getting doubleteamed by the champ and the doctor.
What's Luke doing?
Luke Warm... up on the top turnbuckle as Bohemoth backs towards the center of the ring... I think he's going for a splash or something!
Ooh, dat would hurt, yo.
But wait! Luke Warm-- from the top rope!
I can't believe this. No, on second thought, I think I can.
Luke Warm missed Bohemoth entirely and is laying in the ring... getting up now and dusting himself off.... Bo is just standing there looking very very confused.
I don't think he saw him jump. Luke backing away now and headed to his own corner as Bo looks on.
And that bought the Tiger some much needed time to get his bearings back! He charges Bo- BIIIG clothesline! Nice move by the Tiger. Hoisting Bo up now and a rain of kicks into that ample midsection are sure to slow the big guy down! Tiger's still hurting though, and he's heading for his cor-
DEUS: My work here is done.
Where'd the thang go, yo?
Deus X. Masheena disappearing into thin air and it looks like that's all there is!
Well then, on behalf of Jamal Tupac Mustafa and the ever crusty Captain Twilight, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying "Hey, at least it didn't take three weeks this time!