Monday Nae Trous
Monday Nae Trous - with 11 Herbs and Spices

(The Slobberknocker Arena, dull and over-used as always. There's a bunch of guys from the Egghead Chess World near the front. About eight of them are holding signs that say "Herb" with an arrow pointing down. On the other end of the arena, you can see a guy who looks suspiciously like Anarchy, with his fiancée and two of her friends, both of whom are looking like they really let themselves go after they got married.)
Good evening folks, and how-diddly-hey-do-ya-do to another exciting episode of Monday Nae Trous. I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, with Captain Twilight, and WE'RE NOT WEARING PANTS! Hey Cap, where's Jamal?
How-diddly-hey-do-ya-do?
I said, where's Jamal?
I asked you first.
Look, I don't know, the floor director asked me to stretch it out because we'll be having some short matches tonight. So as I said...
In the locker room, lacing up.
WHAT?!
He's got to practice, Vince. He's returning to the circled square. You can't just jump into the ring with absolutely no preparation.
Dennis Rodman. Kevin Greene. Lawrence Taylor. Jay Leno.
AGH! Point made. Okay, you can't if you actually want to do well.
That's better. Now, we've got some matches for you. Later tonight, the Intergalactic Strap goes up for grabs, it's the Tiger defending against Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants! Also, Bohemoth of the "Heelside Stranglers" faces douja of the Evil Alliance! Also, Billy Polar will take on another Strangler, in "Soft Core" Zack.
Those sound like some top-notch matches, Vince. So what's the crummy opener?
Lenny "the Force" Baxter vs. Tentin Quarentino in a non-title encounter?
Yummy.
This is a contest, or an unreasonable facsimile. If you care, coming down the ring at this time, from Hollywood, California, the big-headed film director-turned-grappler, Tentin Quarentino!
("Stuck in the Middle with You" plays. Tentin hits his head on some low-hanging scaffolding from the new bizarrely-constructed entranceway. He limps to the ring, muttering.)
And his opponent is the Interconinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close" belt champion, but that doesn't exactly matter in this match...from Kitchener, Ontario, Canada...it's LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER!
(A few sounds of struggle from the sound booth, but little else. DJ Fled tries to whip something up quickly but )
***bell rings.
Okay, are we ready to go?
Wait...gimme a minute...okay.
Lenny Baxter begins matters with a big kick to the midsection. Now whipping the film director into the turnbuckle... the Force with a shoulderblock at the ready...NO! Tentin dodges it. Tentin with a big headbutt from behind. The Force is visibly shaken!
I'm not surprised. Taking a big-head blow like that?
Wha? Huh? Are you sure that's what he was implying? Fine...uh...this episode of Monday Nae Trous has been rated TV-14 for your own protection.
The STWF Thought Police are in full effect tonight, Cap. So while we're rated TV-14 I guess I can say that...
No you can't...that's strictly TV-M.
Oh f<-BLEEP->. Wait, Tentin Quarentino with a sunset flip! Lenny Baxter's arms are pinwheeling. Baxter regains his balance and there's a MASSIVE fistdrop.
Tentin's going to be feeling THAT once the adrenaline rush wears off.
Mmm, yes, quite possibly, oh ye who points out the blindingly obvious. Baxter with some forearm shots now while Quarentino's on the ground. The ref makes him back away...I think he wants a good clean fight!
Don't we all?
No...if that was true, wrestling wouldn't be three-quarters interviews and one-quarter matches that end in screwjobs.
*sob*
I know, Cap...but it's the 90s. We gotta stay competitive. Tentin Quarentino is up now. Scoop slam by the director. Now he picks up Baxter...I think it's a fallaway slam...
He's wasting too much time!
Tentin is losing his grip. Baxter doesn't receive the slam but all the same he hit the canvas hard.
Quarentino was pretty lucky. He shouldn't give Baxter a chance to use "the Force".
OH WOULD YOU BE SERIOUS!
Come on, have a little respect.
There's lots of respect. It's an homage. I needed to hear it one more time. That's for you, Monsoon.
But we must move on, as in all things. Tentin attempts a vertical suplex...hits it! An elbowdrop and a cover...
1...2...no. And here we go with a lock-up. Lenny Baxter with a strange arm-neck thing going on...what would you call that, Cap?
Why, I'd call it a sleeperhold, Angus.
Sarcastic Fratboy in audience: Yeah, it's sure working on me! Ha ha, dis!
(The fratboy is suddenly taken away by a masked official wearing a "Thought Police" badge.)
Fans, I'd like to remind you at this point not to come up with any original ideas or quips regarding our matches, because it's really distracting and makes us look bad.
Is that even legal?
We own this building. We can do whatever we want inside it.
Don't let douja know. The last thing we need is a guy with a crack pipe.
Because of references to illicit...ah, hell, forget it.
Baxter is going for the Head Explody! Or Implody! Or something. Look at that concentration. But Quarentino's not buying it! Look at his cross his arms in disbelief.
But he's wide open now! Look out for the Tattooist behind you!
TQ: Huh? Like, what the f<-BLEEP->...
OUCH! The Tattooist from behind just nailed Tentin Quarentino with...what was that, exactly, Cap?
I believe it was "something", Vince.
Yeah, okay, he just nailed Tentin Quarentino with something! The director is down. Lenny goes for the cover: 1...2...3!
Here is your winner, Lenny "the Force" Baxter! See, it wouldn't have mattered if it was a title match after all. Awww.
Alright, Lad, we've had enough of your sarcasm. So what's next, is it Billy Polar vs. "Soft Core" Zack?
That's what my program says.
Uh-oh...we're talking about scheduling too much. Do you realize what that means?
Why no...what does it mean?
(Green Jelly's "Three Little Pigs" begins to blast over the P.A. system. The fans turn their attention to the curtains cuz that's what their re-issued programs say to do now.)
Hey! How come WE didn't get the re-issued programs!
Didn't want to ruin the surprise for the commentators? So we can express genuine surprise?
Our fake surprise is much more effective.
After a few moments, a man wearing a blue flannel underneath a pair of blue over-alls, a red bandana covering the lower portion of his face, a pair of black boots, and a straw hat steps out with his hands raised in the air. A smaller man wearing a pink wrestling mask, a pink tank top, and a pair of brown shorts walks behind him. This being the STWF, the two poorly dressed individuals are greeted with forty jeering voices. The first man, only being a few feet away from the Kamera Kid now, removes his hat and gives it to his counter part. Out of nowhere he starts to do the twist and as he spins you can see the back of his over-alls read "The Greatest." After the long, drawn out, new heel entrance, the duo finally make their way into the ring. The "Pink Luchador" goes off to get a mic as the "Hillbilly" begins hogging the camera with his Mashed Potato. He stops dancing only to grab the mic from his little friend.)
Hillbilly: Turn my Green Jell-o music Off!
(already a good heel pop as his music is cut.)
Hillbilly: My name is Luther...
(Luther is "interrupted" by the boos...or canned boos...)
Luther: Y'all need to sit down and shut up. Or I'ma come out there and bullspank every single one of you No Good Yuppies!
(Luther pulls his bandana down off his mouth and singles out a little boy with a "Club Med" shirt on)
Luther: You think you're better than me, Old Lady! Sit down, chickenhead! My name is Luther "The Piggy Rustler" Dennis....
(The Kamera Kid picks up the same little boy giving Luther the finger. Dennis turns to the boy again.)
Luther: Old Lady, if you don't sit down and shut up, I reckon I'ma come over there and Stomp a Mudhole in your old, wrinkled, c<-BLEEP->ka drawers wearing booty! Same goes for the rest of you. And then I'ma have this lil' Mexican fellar' with his pink mask come over and lay the chillupe' down on all your hoidy-toidy city slicka asses! I'm The Greatest!
(Luther begins doing the macarena as some trash has begun to make its way into the ring from the ring officials pretending to be audience members. Stopping, a smile has grown on Dennis's face. The volume on the booing increases.)
Luther: Hey, Little Mexican Fellar, what do you think of all this hea?
Mexican: Sí.
Luther: I shoulda have left you back in Jersey City, Arkansas! Now all you people hera and all you rassler's back in tha locker room, betta listen up. Luther the "Piggy Rustler" Dennis [turns to Mexican] and what's your name again?
Mexican: Sí.
Luther: Luther the "Piggy Rustler" Dennis and...Roy are laying out an open challenge for this here up comin' Thursday. We wants an over the top rope tag team elimination match up. We'll take on anybody. (turns to the same little boy again) We'll even take on you, Old Lady! Club Med, Johnny Hubcaps, Flash Flanagan, Susan Miller I don't care!
How much longer are we going to make fun of Flash Flanagan?
Until he comes back to complain, I guess...
Luther: Ay-hem! I'ma whoop everybody here in this fancy 25 cents gumball organization! I'll tell you what, everybody and anybody who wants a piece of this crazy man come out on Thursday and I'll show you Richie Peterson's just what I got. Me and my little pink un-registered weapon hea! Somebody Call My Dentist!
(A very large man in the audience wearing a red-and-black striped mask waves his hands defensively and shakes his head)
Hit My Green Jell-o music!
(The booing only increases as Green Jelly's "Three Little Pigs" starts up again and as the camera fades)
There's only one thing I have to say to that.
Yeah, go ahead.
Nah, I better not. My mother, rest her soul, always said if you can't say something nice about a person, wait until they're out of earshot.
You know, I think you've used that line before.
You think I remember over 66 episodes of Monday Nae Trous and all the PPVs whether I've used something before or not? I'm an old man, Angus McMadden, a terribly old man.
You're what, 83 now?
Yup.
If you two are done your little chat, we have Billy Polar and "Soft Core" Zack in the ring, ready to go?
It's always about the wrestling, isn't it?
***bell rings.
Billy Polar: Wait a minute! You missed my whole thing about changing Zack's music! It was SO COOL!
Sorry, man, we can't use all the good jokes all the time.
Really? And how come this isn't a tag team match like I asked?
My script says that's been postponed due to complaints from the World Council of Churches. You'd be surprised into how many things those guys stick their noses.
Awww...no fair! Well, maybe I don't FEEL like wrestling then.
(pause)
Naw, I feel like wrestling.
Billy Polar charges the Innovator of G-Rated Violence! Zack deftly sidesteps the Lite Death and he keeps going straight into the buckle! Polar demolishing that buckle for a good ten seconds before he realizes it's not a human being!
One bolt is exposed...not much more has happened.
Zack's going to Deviance for another softcore weapon. It's a fluffy angora sweater!
Any fetishists in the audience?
(A few scattered "woo hoo"s)
Just checking.
Zack is strangling Billy Polar with that sweater. The white luchador is erupting into giggles. That sweater must tickle...
Zack going back to the Dumpster for better weapons. Now he's got...a styrofoam flutterboard!
I haven't seen one of those in ages! Billy Polar takes it right over the head, the flutterboard cracks in half, Polar is down.
Zack makes a cover: not even a one-count.
I thought he had him FOR SURE! But I'm an idiot. Polar is now up. Oh, and a dirty thumb to the eye.
And if it wasn't dirty before, it is now.
Hurricanrana by Billy Polar! He does that stupid luchador-pinning thing where he straddles the guy and hooks both legs from behind.
Your eloquence is astounding.
Thanks. Well, if that's not sufficient proof he's a luchador, I don't know what is. 1...no! Zack is on his feet. Stomping away at Billy Polar he is. More stomping...
Enough stomping already!
"Soft Core" Zack: My bad...
Zack with a gorilla press right into the Dumpster of Doom! Listen to the sounds of ruffled papers and various collapsible objects! It's absolutely blood-chilling!
Good thing "Cold-Blooded" Ken Thompson's not around, he's kinda sensitive to comments like that.
Billy Polar's not getting up. The ref is counting. At 5 now...6...Zack does a plancha into the Dumpster, hoping to get Polar! But he's not there! Where did Billy Polar go?
I'll wager that he went through a trapdoor in the side and now he's under the ring.
Well yeah, duh, but where is he NOW? Oh, wait, there he is. He's back in the ring, he's got a steel chair!
That's not softcore!
It's padded.
Oh.
The Innovator of G-Rated Violence is out of the Dumpster, with help from Deviance. And here comes that padded chair! OH! That's gotta hurt somewhat. Zack is down. Billy Polar puts the padding right across Zack's face! He's going up top...it looks like a 450 splash! YES! Right on that chair. I think it's done. 1...2...3! Yes, Billy Polar takes down "Soft Core" Zack, thus effectively moving him up in the rankings.
The guy had a lock on the Kamera Kid, with that much exposure, a push was inevitable.
But it's not over! The Violent Pacifist is coming through the crowd now. He taps the Lite Death on the shoulder...BP turns around and there's a Nine Inch Nailer! The crowd is booing the Heelside Strangler. He leaves the prone Polar in the ring while Zack and VP take off.
Do we have time for a commercial? No? Come on, we need money from somewhere. Okay...
What does the producer have to say?
He says I'm supposed to do a spot myself but to make it quick. This episode of Monday Nae Trous is brought to you by Meatnsaucy Powdered Gravy. Gravy that's m'm, m'm, carcinogenic. And by the Albatross Brothers Gaming Corporation, where their motto is "Not responsible for personal injury or death resulting from using our products", and also...um, nobody else. Oh.
Two sponsors! Not too shabby.
douja is in the ring now, barely standing and as ready as he'll ever be to face Bohemoth. Everyone knows why this contest was booked. Bohemoth is looking to be the next Intergalactic Champion, but Der Kommissaar is deciding to have a little fun and book him against total shlubs like douja so he can't get in any decent practice.
That's not very nice of our esteemed head Executive.
But Bohemoth has since donned his Heel Overalls(TM), so it's within the boundaries of wrestling logic, as weak as they are. Hooray for weak logic!
(One guy in the audience gives a "hooray", then sheepishly retakes his seat after the people all around him glare him down)
His opponent, from Charleston, West Virginia, weighing in at 490 large pounds (not the regular kind, or even the chunky-style pounds), he...is...BOHEMOTH!
("I'm Just a Girl" by No Doubt plays. Some giggling can be heard from Vic's booth, but it doesn't sound like Vic.)
Bohemoth looks miffed at his music change. And since Billy Polar's already confessed to a music change, we can only guess that it's him.
Or Mittens.
Yeah, maybe. I'm not about to go up there and check, you?
Nope.
***bell rings.
Bohemoth starts off with a big double jump kick - look at that guy move! He must have practiced that one for months. What a shame he's using it on douja. Now he's got douja in the air...it's a Samoan drop. douja back up in the air...Bohemoth is spinning...BIG piledriver!
Doesn't come much bigger than that. But my dad always said it wasn't how big you were, it was skills, every time, that made the woman come back for m....I mean, that won you the match.
What did your father do for a living, Cap?
Can we please not talk about my family? You don't see me bringing up Louise, that little piece of tail you've got on the side.
WHOA! Look! In the ring! Something cool is about to happen!
Nice subject change.
Bohemoth going to the top rope! I think it's SMASHER time already! This one was over before it even began. There's the Smasher, the 1-2-3, chalk one up for the Heelside Stranglers.
Wouldn't you say they're a little over-represented tonight? Three matches with three Stranglers... an appearance by the fourth Strangler?
Okay, why don't YOU tell the Heelside Stranglers that you'd like to see less of them.
No...that's not what I...
HEY BOHEMOTH! WANNA HEAR WHAT CAPTAIN TWILIGHT SAID ABOUT YOUR STABLE?
Bohemoth: Not really.
Um...well that took the wind out of my sails. You're lucky, Cap. Damn lucky.
Okay, well, it's time for the Intergalactic Championship bout! The Tiger and Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants...and I'm just receiving word...that yes, the match has already started in the back! There's a ref and everything!
There's a ref in the ring...we only have one except for...
Quick! Chet, show it!
Yup, there they are, in the back, and hovering around them is none other than Rrraoul Rrramon Rrramirez, quite possibly THE most corrupt ref in the business. Hebner Brothers, Nick Patrick, Teddy Long, step aside...
Hey, what's Teddy Long ever done?
Don't interrupt me when I'm on a roll. Now where was I? Oh yes. Step aside, because Triple-R is back in town! And ready to be biased towards luchadores.
What luchadores? Billy Polar, not really. We haven't seen the Mexican-trained Death in a while... uh, that new guy who made an interview today with that hillbilly...the Immortal Shapes of course...
See? That's enough. Dr. Plants slapping on a half-crab. Kind of inappropriate because what I've heard, Dr. Plants has more crabs than just a half...
Can we get away with this?
Oh, what are they going to do? I've already been humiliated by Deviance and "Soft Core" Zack. Taking lumps from heels is something commentators have to do.
You loved it. Admit it.
Quiet, you, I could have you ejected. The Tiger is out of the hold, he's up, he picks up Dr. Plants by the armpits and he goes for a big slam. Snapmare takeover by El Tigre.
El Tigre? Uh-oh...that sounds vaguely Spanish...like what a luchador might be named.
You must be joking! Nobody's ever going to mistake the Tiger for a luchador!
The Tiger: Okay, Raoul, get ready, baby. ¡Arriba! ¡La raza!
(subtitle: Whoo! The race!)
Dr. Plants slaps the Tiger in the face! That was completely unnecessary, uncalled for, and it just plum wasn't very sportsmanlike to boot.
"Whoo! The race!"?
Dr. Plants stands on a wobbly table and tries the Breast Implant! He couldn't get a 360 from the height, so it became a 270 backsplash! His feet also twisted on the impact, we'll see how that affects things. The challenger hooks the leg:
Juan.......................................
Dos.......................................
NO! Shoulder up.
Raoul Ramon Ramirez actually believes the Tiger is a luchador and he's going to skew the match!
The Tiger shoves Dr. Plants off. Short clothesline! The Intergalactic Champion does an elbowdrop.
123! Whoa, in the time that the Tiger had his elbow on the Smooth Operator, Ramirez was able to count three! Now THAT'S a fast count!
I'm amazed a count like that hasn't been thought up before.
Shhh...you want to give the creatively-challenged people in those other organizations good ideas? I mean, have you SEEN what they're doing lately?
<mocking voice>
Oh...who's that in your window...it's Dustin Rhodes trying desperately hard to get over...now sleep, children, because his matches will have an even stronger effect than Nytol...ooh, scary.
</mocking voice>
Dustin who?
Yeah, exactly. The Tiger is celebrating in the ring! And here come the Heelside Stranglers as if it's in the script, mainly because it is! The Tiger is getting a serious punking at the hands of these four big men. But hark! Is that the sound of stuff breaking?
It IS! What's that mean again?
Luke Warm?
Naw, that's not it.
YEAH! IT IS! HERE HE COMES NOW! The Heelside Stranglers hightail it, but not before turning around and making threats.
I still don't think stuff breaking means Luke Warm is coming.
Well, I can't take much more of this and since neither can you, it means it's time to go. Join us for Thursday Something-or-Other, where we'll see loads more crap! And good stuff too...if we have time. So for Captain Twilight, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, keep your pants off!
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre