Monday Nae Trous
Monday Nae Trous - Sauce for the Gander

(Pan interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. Bass-heavy rock music welcomes us. The STWF girls are "dancing" (can we call it that?) on a red carpet to open the show. The audience is panned a little. Signs like "Don't watch that OTHER channel" and "Meatnsaucy presents Pain in the Ukraine, only on PPV". The signs are in different parts of the arena but look as if they were done by the same person with red and black marker and stencils.)
Welcome to the GREATEST episode of Nae Trous EVER! I'm Angus "Tony" McSchiavon, along with "the Perfessor" "Iron" Mike Twilight, and unfortunately, "the Livin' Legend" Jamal Zbys...Zyby...Nabisco.
(Crowd chants "Jammy! Jammy!" and Jamal turns and waves to a huge pop.)
Well I gotta say that this crowd is pumped tonight, Tony.
We've got an absolutely great card for you tonight, folks, take it from me. The Mad Cow is going to take on Luke Warm, you'll see the Tiger in his return to action here on STWF Monday Nae Trous LIVE, and you can see that cage hanging HIGH above us for the spectacular "G-Rated War Games" extravaganza. It's going to be one spectacular extravaganza, there, Tony.
Spectacular is exactly right, Mike Twilight, and you folks better not change to the other channel, because the Fire Chief's winning the OCSCW "Kissed Enough Butt to Get a Belt-Push" belt from the Guy Who Looks a Bit Like Nixon is old news. You won't need to see it now, so need we remind you to stay tuned for that "G-Rated War Games" match. But first, let us take you back to the backstage area where I've just been informed that something very tricky has just gone on, and who else to blame but the Rogue's Gallery. Take a watch.

(Announcer Lad is with ICCTINACBBIC champ Lenny "the Force" Baxter.)
Well, Lenny, people are starting to wonder if...
(suddenly, douja and the Rogue's Gallery come from offscreen and nail Baxter with various blunt instruments. douja then makes a cover. Raoul Ramon Ramirez, the old Mexico Unlimited referee who apparently is still on payroll, pops in and makes a three-count.)

douja: i won, yo..huh huh..i'm da f...uh, freakin' champ! huh huh..
You sure are, douja, you sure are.
That match wasn't sanctioned!
Lenny Baxter's 30-day defense was up today. We made up a match to avoid Baxter losing his belt on a technicality. You should THANK us that you lost it cleanly, Lenny! Ha-LA!
Lenny Baxter: Thank you? Why I oughta...(crawls to his knees and concentrates really hard. Très Sheik places a boot lightly to his forehead, then presses hard, driving Lenny back down.
Oh, save it for Der Kommissaar, that bleeding-heart will listen to any old dummy whine and complain.
So douja, how does it feel to be the ICCTINACBBIC champ for an unprecedented third time?
douja: huh? i'm da champ?
This interview is over. Ha-LA! (pushes the Kamera Kid's face away)

Wow...just when you thought the Rogue's Gallery couldn't get more evil, they go and get more evil.
One thing I gotta tell ya about that Rogue's Gallery, is that they're really one cohesive unit! They really know how to work TOGETHER, that Rogue's Gallery.
That's absolutely right, Jammy. And right now we're getting ready for our first match of the evening...
But we're only fifteen minutes in! How can this be?
We are? Wait, then we have to roll the opening credits!

(Footage of buildings exploding in balls of flame, the STWF girls dancing, Luke Warm drinking a Luke-Hoo and giving someone a Stonecutter at the same time, generic teenagers dancing under green lights, and a few subliminal messages of the following:
Copp-Free Zone, TNM sucks

and finally a logo reading "STWF Monday Nae Trous LIVE!" and a logo of a TV station only available within a mile of the Ivory Tower. Everywhere else it's simulcast on a different station, but the Ivory Tower doesn't seem to notice.)

Our first match is ready to get underway. Patrick "the Finger" Patrickson will take on Jeffrey Steingold.
(A mechanical chant of "Stein-GOLD" is created. It sounds exactly like the "GOLD-Stein" chant, except it's syncopated.)
Patrick "the Finger" Patrickson on your left, in the red costume with yellow lightning bolts. Jeffrey Steingold on your right, he's the other one.
And there's the bell, and there they go. Patrick shuffling around quite a bit and tapping his shoulder more than is really necessary. Collar-and-elbow tie-up. Patrickson with a fireman's carry. And now he's locked Jeffrey Steingold quite firmly in a bodyscissors.
Say what you will about Patrick Patrickson, but this guy knows his old-school wrestling techniques! I'll tell ya.
I'd have to agree with you there, Jammy Nabisco, for the sole reason that it's blatantly obvious and we have to patronize you at every turn.
Need we remind you about the "G-Rated War Games" extravaganza coming up later tonight, because it's going to be spectacular! I can't wait to see the Head Trauma Club, the Corpulent Ministry and the Three Guys Plus One go at it. What do you think could possibly happen?!
Outside interference with no clear winner?
That's a possibility, sure, but...who do you suppose is the Fourth Guy?
Dr. Snare! I checked the IP addresses.
The what?
Oh never mind. Do I always have to be the smart one? Can't I, just once, make a witty remark?
Steingold getting in the few measly hits that he's going to be allowed. The Finger isn't even pretending to be hurt. That's not good sports-entertainment-ship. Patrick sticks that unspeakably characteristic finger in the air...and that could only mean one thing.
What's that? It's his debut match, and I was out drinking during the press conference where he got signed.
It's the Finger! Here it comes...
(Extreme close-up of Steingold's face, so much so that we can't see what's happening to him. His face is twisted in a display of horror, pain, disgust, and a twinge of fear that he may actually grow to enjoy this.)

Alright! That's it! TV-M for any episode containing Patrick Patrickson from now on. Kids, leave the room, and pledge to your parents that you'll never enter the wrestling business.

Steingold submits!
Patrick: I LOVE booking my own matches!
Well, that was certainly one for the record books, what a great match!
It certainly was, but I'm sure it won't be nearly as spectacular as the "G-Rated War Games" extravaganza.
(cut to more dancing from the STWF girls, and DJ Fled.)
DJ Fled: A'ight, whadjoo think of that last match!
(crowd gives ambivalent response, then DJ Fled hits a button and suddenly a pop is heard that isn't physically possible from the attendance.)
A'ight, whojoo think is gonna win that G-rated War Games? Is it gonna be the Head Trauma Club? (dead silence) The Corpulent Ministry? (dead silence) Iiyeah, then it gotta be the Three Guys Plus One! (dead silence) Yo, is dis mic on? Hey, getcho hands offa me! (security escorts him away)

Alright, thank you DJ Fled.
That kid's really got his fingers on the pulse of the audience.
Our next match will feature the Mad Cow taking on Luke Warm.
This has to be the greatest episode of Nae Trous EVER! History is being made here tonight on STWF Monday Nae Trous LIVE!
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way down the aisle, with a total combined weight - combined weight? Okay... - of 350 lbs., THE MAD COW!
(Madame Bovine's pic is shown on the Monstron.)
Voiceover: Moo moo, moo? (subtitled: What up, Mad?)
(Madame Bovine is replaced by the Kool-Aid pitcher.)
Oh yeah!

("Cowboy Song" plays as the Mad Cow enters with Madame Bovine, and two other cows that appear to serve no purpose whatsoever.)
And his opponent, from Bumbledink, Texas, the man, the myth, the guy who parodies the Goldberg Clone (despite the fact that the WWF created the original)

]]]Alright, no more blatant referencing for the rest of this card. End transmission![[[

("Song Sung Blue" by Neil Diamond, in a dirge form, plays. Luke Warm is seen walking through a corridor alongside some jobbers dressed as cops. Upon reaching the arena the Pyro Guys set off all their sparklers, at multiple points for maximum brightness. They then set off a fire extinguisher for a smoke effect. Luke Warm pretends not to notice and marches to the ring.)

***bell rings.
This should be one great match.
But not as great as the spectacular...
"G-Rated War Games" extravaganza! Come on, you had to let me say it at least once.
Your role is to point out the things that the audience had pieced together about six minutes before you did.
I still say that the STWF should band together and FIGHT the evil Rogue's Gallery. And maybe that Tri-Lambda Group too.
What do you think about this "out-heeling" contest between the Gallery and the Tri-Lambda Group, Perfessor?
I think it's a great ratings draw as long as it stays nicely repetitive for eighteen months. Then we'll have to make more factions as the whole thing spirals downward until it hits a plateau at a really low level when everyone knows the names will still exist solely for the T-shirts.
Uh...that's a good point there...Mike. So refresh my memory, OCSCW still sucks, right?
Yes, but they've consistently destroyed us in the ratings.
Say what you will about "the Darkspawn" Oliver Copp, but he sure knows how to market matches that look exactly the same and don't have any life in 'em!
Much like yours, back in the day.
Yeah, I'd say so...hey, who changed my script? That's not what it said in rehearsal!
We don't have rehearsals. Most of this stuff was booked half an hour ago by the wrestlers who have enough stroke and feel the need to give themselves bigger pushes until the world gets sick of their egomania.
Then why is Hogan so popular?
Hogan who?
***bell rings.
Was there a match going on? I didn't notice.
The only match we really need to concern ourselves with is the "G-Rated War Games". It's going to be a match of epic proportions!
Not a spectacular extravaganza?
Our producer said that phrase didn't do well in the focus group testing.
The winner of this contest, THE MAD COW!
Uh...did anyone see how that one happened?
Truthfully I wasn't paying attention. But you fans out there saw it, and I'm reasonably sure that it was the sort of entertainment you've come to expect from STWF Monday Nae Trous LIVE!
You're not even saying if that's good or bad.
No, I'm not.
That's all well and good, but right now we'll see the debut return of the Tiger, and he faces B.F. Sack in what should be a great matchup.
Well, I think we might see a little ring rust on the Tiger, and not to mention B.F. Sack. But say what you will about EITHER of these guys, they're tough and always ready to give it their all.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way down the aisle, from Panama City, Florida, former STWF Heavyweight Champion and master of the Domino Effect, B.F. SACK!
(The theme from Sanford and Son plays. B.F. Sack emerges to a good pop. Someone is shown holding a sign reading "Sack It", but two cops wearing "Thought Police" badges take it away from him and escort him to the back for reprogramming to make him a more suitable STWF spectator.)
And his opponent, making his STWF return, from Richmond, Virginia, former STWF Intergalactic Champion and master of the Tiger Rack, THE TIGER!
("Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays. An audience member is shown with a glazed look in his eyes. He has a sign saying "Show Us Your Puppies Rack". The Thought Police are at work tonight.)

Look at all those enthusiastic fans here tonight LIVE.
***bell rings.
Are we going to get a chance to see the new Irving Goldstein video tonight?
How about the Tyrone Mayhem video?
The censors wouldn't allow it. They found the girls' "booty dance" too suggestive. The scene where the guy in the black trench coat shoots up a schoolyard was cleared though, so we might see a clip of it later.

Tragedy + timing = comedy. Don't complain if you're offended, or I'll just keep pushing that envelope.

The Tiger with a fabulous reverse neckbreaker, brilliantly executed!
Uh...that was a bulldogging headlock, there, Tony.
Well how can you tell the difference? The Tiger now with some sort of suplex.
Fallaway slam for those of you keeping score at home.
B.F. Sack retaliates with a brutal series of headbutts.
European uppercuts.
Those too.
That's right folks, he switched up to headbutts.
What a great matchup. It's not every day that you see two legends out there wrestling, and actually giving some technical moves because they're young enough to do 'em without their bones creaking.
That's very true, but that's not to say that the STWF veterans can't still mix it up with the best of them, because STWF wrestling is the best on earth, no matter what the ratings say! Our fans know better than to enjoy the utter stupidity of Oliver Copp and his Smoky Championship Wrestling.
Be careful! You shouldn't invoke the true name of the Darkspawn lest his presence be felt here again. You just stick to hyping the upcoming matches.
I'll be careful next time. Just like all our competitors in the main event should be careful, because that "G-Rated War Games" match is going to be one of EPIC proportions! History will be re-written here tonight! And it's not going to be because douja won the ICCTINACBBIC belt, oh no, it's going to be this main event!
Better. The Tiger with a shoulderbreaker and goes for the pin. 1...2...and a shoulder up by Sack; ironically, it's the shoulder which should technically be broken.
Say what you will about B.F. Sack but you gotta admire his intestinal fortitude!
Can you believe what's already happened here tonight? douja wins the belt, Mad Cow upsetting Luke Warm, this match in progress? What more could happen here on STWF Monday Nae Trous LIVE, you ask? How about that spectacular "G-Rated War Games" extravaganza?

Has my point been made yet? No? I think I heard a "no" somewhere...

The Tiger signalling the Tiger Rack...and there's the Tiger Driver! Sack was trying to set himself up to reverse the hold, but the Tiger just outsmarted him.
These athletes have to learn to expect the unexpected. Just because someone signals a move doesn't mean they're going to follow through with it.
Now THERE'S a lesson I should have applied last week at the airport bar.
Do we even want to know what that means, "Perfessor" "Iron" Mike Twilight?
No, I don't think we do, Angus "Tony" McSchiavon.
The Tiger makes a great cover with a great hooking of the leg! 1...2...3! Great! Tiger wins!
Here is your winner, THE TIGER!
We'll be right back.

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And we're back. "The Livin' Legend" Jammy Nabisco is now replaced with Mustafa "Musty" Rhodes.
He'th gonna take hith libatieth outta on 'im right heah, iff ya weeeill.
Is it just me, or did Jamal get more eloquent since last week?
Don't ask me, I can't understand him normally. Now, we do have an update...if you'll recall on STWF "Saturday Wee Hours of the Morning", a show that isn't available in some (read: all) areas, "Soft Core" Zack resigned his position as North American Champion, and requested that the contenders be Francis "Nutcracker" Sweet and whoever dared to face him. Well, Homicidal Hank of all people accepted the challenge and went on to defeat Francis Sweet and he is your new North American Champion.
If you didn't happen to be in Rio de Janeiro for that match, you missed out on a good one.
Well y'know dat Hommythidal Hank 'e got him thome big thkills an' e's double-tough an' him takin' out dat Nutcracker well that wath jutht thomethin' ayyyyyyelthe.
Well, I couldn't have said it better myself without having my tongue torn in six places.
Right now, you're all going to see that match you've all been waiting for.
We gonna thee dat thpectaculah exthtravagantha! A G-ratahd Wooooah Gameth match-uh! Dat Head Trauma Club gonna take on dat Corperlent Minerthty, and dey gotta altho take they libatieth out on dem Three Guyth Pluth Woahhhn. Ith gonna be one fodah ageth!
Ah! My eyes! Saliva...I'm blind. Excuse me, I need to wash up. (he leaves, clutching his face)
Uh...hopefully he'll be back soon, because I can't call a match to save my damn life, and this is the main event, I can't hype much else. Hmmm...can I remind you to get your tickets early for SUPERCARD V? When are they going on sale?
The following contest is a "G-Rated War Games" match, of epic proportions, and is set for one fall. Team #1, representing the Head Trauma Club, here are Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants, Necro Phil, Claude "Lightning Clippers" Leroux, and Flatline!
(Claude Leroux enters alone first)

"Lightning Clippers": Hey Meatnsaucy! I beat your Rogue fair and square. Heck, he was too chicken to even answer da questions! So where's my $5000?
(Fred Meatnsaucy comes out with a roll of bills.)
Fred Meatnsaucy: He wasn't chicken, he just felt that your getting a beatdown from the Gallery would be a waste of energy. So just take your $5000, I make that in interest in three hours! HERE! (he whips the roll of bills at Claude's head. He misses, then runs off like a sissy.)

(The rest of the Head Trauma Club enter next.)
Next, team #2, representing the Corpulent Ministry, here are "Soft Core" Zack, Francis "Nutcracker" Sweet, Mittens the Mannerless and the One Man Tag Team!
(Deviance and the Undergarment lead their group of evil and chubby teamsters to the ring. Boos.)
Finally, team #3, the Three One!
(Out come the Violent Pacifist, Sir Hungalot, Jean Bannister, and the Fourth Guy, who's hooded.)

Who ith it? I cain't see!
Wait a sec, this hooded mystery guy business is for Raw, not Nitro! The Fourth Guy is...StreetMime? NO! It can't be! Because the REAL StreetMime is coming from the rafters now! We've got a fake StreetMime!
Now THAT'TH a Nitro!
The fake StreetMime is getting unmasked. It's ... well, I don't know who it is.
Fourth Guy: Maybe THIS will give you a clue! (reveals a hockey mask from under his cloak. It's Dr. Snare's mask)
Wow! The Fourth Guy is an unmasked Dr. Snare!
That's Eli "the Freak" Snare to you now! No more of this Doctor business. It's so old-school.
Necro Phil: Hey, we resent that! Isn't that right, Helena?

I hate to rain on the parade, but I have a little announcement too!
Ith da Penthuh-Neck Geek, I wondah what'n 'e wanth.
Just to steal your thunder of your pitiful revelation of the Fourth Guy, I've decided to show up here on STWF Monday Nae Trous LIVE! and tell you all the newest member of the Tri-Lambda Group. My Immortal Shapes are a little, well, difficult to manage alone; one can barely speak English, and then there's El Spheros. I've enlisted the help of one of the greatest talents and minds of the old guard of the STWF to assist me in these duties. May I present...TRAPEZOID!
(Trapezoid enters, walking with a cane. He waves to the audience, who barely register a response.)
Snare: Are you guys done? We have a match.
Oh, sure, go ahead, I think I've sufficiently dampened the crowd anyway. Hee hee hee! I'm such a heel, and so brilliant, it's scary!
***bell rings.
Well, I haven't exactly gone over the RULES of this G-rated War Games match. They sent me this six-page memo about it, but I have neither the time nor the functional literacy to go through it all. Musty, care to give me the gist of it?
Why shoah. Ethentially dem dozen get in da ring an' take theyah libatieth out on each othah with whatever itemth they thee fit ta find. An' when you got wooan team that'th taken theyah libatieth on d'othah team, and den dat thuhd team c'n take THEYAH libatieth on...
You don't know either, do you?
Well not ath thuch, no, but ain't gonna thtop me from gettin' in all da mic time that I kayyyyan, if ya weeeeill.
You're a sick, desperate man, Musty. Well, it's an all out brawl right here, and someone's going to get their boo-tay kicked tonight, right here LIVE! Zack just took that Dixie cup to the wrong side of Necro Phil's face! Someone's setting up a large styrofoam flutterboard in one corner, I'd love to see someone go through that one!
I hope I didn't miss TOO much of this spectacular extrava...oh, wait, I mean match of epic proportions. I forgot, that other line didn't do well.
The producer said the focus group results were flawed. So it's fine. Eli Snare with an Irish Whip on Mittens the Mannerless, Mittens crashes right into that flutterboard and look at the styrofoam bits fly! Impressive maneuver.
Eli Snare? When did this happen?
Okay, When da Three Guyth Pluth Wooan...
Tell me later, I want to see this match. Flatline doing a 450 splash from the top rope with that inflatable chicken doll! Leaping Lonnie got too close to that, but Night Train remains unscathed. Sir Hungalot rolls up Lonnie: Francis "Nutcracker" Sweet has a pair of scissors! Oh no!
Francis Sweet: Who opened up the Gates of Hell? Where's Arn? Arn! I'm gunnin' for YOU, man! Come ON! (giggles but no sound emerges)
That guy's certifiable!
For today only, though. I hope.
Dr. Plants is trying to wrestle the scissors away from Francis Sweet...I sure hope nobody gets hurt! This is G-rated after all. But still, isn't it spectacular?
It's about to get MORE spectacular! Here comes the Rogue's Gallery to interfere!
And not to be outdone, the Tri-Lambda Group is coming out too! Both stables want to be the deciding factor in the outcome of this match. On one side, we've got the Rogue's Gallery cutting through the cage with clippers, and the Tri-Lambda group is melting the cage with a high-powered acetylene torch!
***bell rings.
Before both groups ruin a perfectly good match, we'd like to pre-emptively call a NO-CONTEST! So there, you heels, you don't get any licks in at all!
Sergeant Genocide: Oh YEAH?
Look at this! Both stables are beating on Announcer Lad!
Well, that's all the time we have. For "the Perfessor" "Iron" Mike Twilight and Musty Rhodes, I'm Angus "Tony" McSchiavon saying goodnight!
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre