Monday Nae Trous - Sauce for the Gander
(Pan interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. Bass-heavy
rock music welcomes us. The STWF girls are "dancing" (can we call it
that?) on a red carpet to open the show. The audience is panned a little.
Signs like "Don't watch that OTHER channel" and "Meatnsaucy presents Pain
in the Ukraine, only on PPV". The signs are in different parts of the
arena but look as if they were done by the same person with red and black
marker and stencils.)
Welcome to the GREATEST episode of Nae Trous EVER! I'm Angus "Tony"
McSchiavon, along with "the Perfessor" "Iron" Mike Twilight, and
unfortunately, "the Livin' Legend" Jamal Zbys...Zyby...Nabisco.
(Crowd chants "Jammy! Jammy!" and Jamal turns and waves to a huge
pop.)
Well I gotta say that this crowd is pumped
tonight, Tony.
We've got an absolutely great card for you
tonight, folks, take it from me. The Mad Cow is going to take on Luke
Warm, you'll see the Tiger in his return to action here on STWF Monday Nae
Trous LIVE, and you can see that cage hanging HIGH above us for the
spectacular "G-Rated War Games" extravaganza. It's going to be one
spectacular extravaganza, there, Tony.
Spectacular is exactly right, Mike Twilight, and you folks better not
change to the other channel, because the Fire Chief's winning the OCSCW
"Kissed Enough Butt to Get a Belt-Push" belt from the Guy Who Looks a Bit
Like Nixon is old news. You won't need to see it now, so need we remind
you to stay tuned for that "G-Rated War Games" match. But first, let us
take you back to the backstage area where I've just been informed that
something very tricky has just gone on, and who else to blame but the
Rogue's Gallery. Take a watch.
(Announcer Lad is with ICCTINACBBIC champ Lenny "the
Force" Baxter.)
Well, Lenny, people are starting to wonder if...
(suddenly, douja and the Rogue's Gallery come from offscreen and nail
Baxter with various blunt instruments. douja then makes a cover. Raoul
Ramon Ramirez, the old Mexico Unlimited referee who apparently is still on
payroll, pops in and makes a three-count.)
douja: i won, yo..huh huh..i'm da f...uh, freakin' champ! huh
huh..
You sure are, douja, you sure are.
That match wasn't sanctioned!
Lenny Baxter's 30-day defense was up today. We made up
a match to avoid Baxter losing his belt on a technicality. You should
THANK us that you lost it cleanly, Lenny! Ha-LA!
Lenny Baxter: Thank you? Why I oughta...(crawls to his
knees and concentrates really hard. Très Sheik places a boot
lightly to his forehead, then presses hard, driving Lenny back
down.
Oh, save it for Der Kommissaar, that bleeding-heart
will listen to any old dummy whine and complain.
So douja, how does it feel to be the ICCTINACBBIC
champ for an unprecedented third time?
douja: huh? i'm da champ?
This interview is over. Ha-LA! (pushes the Kamera
Kid's face away)
Wow...just when you thought the Rogue's Gallery couldn't get more evil,
they go and get more evil.
One thing I gotta tell ya about that Rogue's
Gallery, is that they're really one cohesive unit! They really know how to
work TOGETHER, that Rogue's Gallery.
That's absolutely right, Jammy. And
right now we're getting ready for our first match of the
evening...
But we're only fifteen minutes in! How can this be?
We are? Wait, then we have to roll the opening
credits!
(Footage of buildings exploding in balls of flame, the
STWF girls dancing, Luke Warm drinking a Luke-Hoo and giving someone a
Stonecutter at the same time, generic teenagers dancing under green
lights, and a few subliminal messages of the following:
and finally a logo reading "STWF Monday Nae Trous LIVE!" and a logo of a
TV station only available within a mile of the Ivory Tower. Everywhere
else it's simulcast on a different station, but the Ivory Tower doesn't
seem to notice.)
Our first match is ready to get underway. Patrick "the Finger" Patrickson
will take on Jeffrey Steingold.
(A mechanical chant of "Stein-GOLD" is created. It sounds exactly like the
"GOLD-Stein" chant, except it's syncopated.)
Patrick "the Finger" Patrickson on your left, in
the red costume with yellow lightning bolts. Jeffrey Steingold on your
right, he's the other one.
And there's the bell, and there they go. Patrick shuffling around quite a
bit and tapping his shoulder more than is really necessary.
Collar-and-elbow tie-up. Patrickson with a fireman's carry. And now he's
locked Jeffrey Steingold quite firmly in a bodyscissors.
Say what you will about Patrick Patrickson, but
this guy knows his old-school wrestling techniques! I'll tell
ya.
I'd have to agree with you there, Jammy Nabisco,
for the sole reason that it's blatantly obvious and we have to patronize
you at every turn.
Need we remind you about the "G-Rated War Games" extravaganza coming up
later tonight, because it's going to be spectacular! I can't wait to see
the Head Trauma Club, the Corpulent Ministry and the Three Guys Plus One
go at it. What do you think could possibly happen?!
Outside interference with no clear
winner?
That's a possibility, sure, but...who do you suppose is the Fourth
Guy?
Dr. Snare! I checked the IP addresses.
The what?
Oh never mind. Do I always have to be the smart
one? Can't I, just once, make a witty remark?
Steingold getting in the few measly hits that he's going to be allowed.
The Finger isn't even pretending to be hurt. That's not good
sports-entertainment-ship. Patrick sticks that unspeakably characteristic
finger in the air...and that could only mean one thing.
What's that? It's his debut match, and I was out
drinking during the press conference where he got signed.
It's the Finger! Here it comes...
(Extreme close-up of Steingold's face, so much so that
we can't see what's happening to him. His face is twisted in a display of
horror, pain, disgust, and a twinge of fear that he may actually grow to
enjoy this.)
Alright! That's it! TV-M for any episode containing
Patrick Patrickson from now on. Kids, leave the room, and pledge to your
parents that you'll never enter the wrestling business.
Steingold submits!
Here is your winner, PATRICK "THE FINGER"
PATRICKSON!
Patrick: I LOVE booking my own matches!
Well, that was certainly one for the record books, what a great match!
It certainly was, but I'm sure it won't be nearly
as spectacular as the "G-Rated War Games" extravaganza.
(cut to more dancing from the STWF girls, and DJ Fled.)
DJ Fled: A'ight, whadjoo think of that last match!
(crowd gives ambivalent response, then DJ Fled hits a button and suddenly
a pop is heard that isn't physically possible from the attendance.)
A'ight, whojoo think is gonna win that G-rated War Games? Is it gonna be
the Head Trauma Club? (dead silence) The Corpulent Ministry? (dead
silence) Iiyeah, then it gotta be the Three Guys Plus One! (dead silence)
Yo, is dis mic on? Hey, getcho hands offa me! (security escorts him
away)
Alright, thank you DJ Fled.
That kid's really got his fingers on the pulse of
the audience.
Our next match will feature the Mad Cow taking on
Luke Warm.
This has to be the greatest episode of Nae Trous EVER! History is being
made here tonight on STWF Monday Nae Trous LIVE!
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way down
the aisle, with a total combined weight - combined weight? Okay... - of
350 lbs., THE MAD COW!
(Madame Bovine's pic is shown on the Monstron.)
Voiceover: Moo moo, moo? (subtitled: What up, Mad?)
(Madame Bovine is replaced by the Kool-Aid pitcher.)
Oh yeah!
("Cowboy Song" plays as the Mad Cow enters with Madame Bovine, and two
other cows that appear to serve no purpose whatsoever.)
And his opponent, from Bumbledink, Texas, the man, the myth, the guy who
parodies the Goldberg Clone (despite the fact that the WWF created the
original)
]]]Alright, no more blatant referencing for the rest
of this card. End transmission![[[
...LUKE WARM!
("Song Sung Blue" by Neil Diamond, in a dirge form, plays. Luke Warm is
seen walking through a corridor alongside some jobbers dressed as cops.
Upon reaching the arena the Pyro Guys set off all their sparklers, at
multiple points for maximum brightness. They then set off a fire
extinguisher for a smoke effect. Luke Warm pretends not to notice and
marches to the ring.)
***bell rings.
This should be one great match.
But not as great as the spectacular...
"G-Rated War Games" extravaganza! Come on, you
had to let me say it at least once.
Your role is to point out the things that the
audience had pieced together about six minutes before you did.
I still say that the STWF should band together
and FIGHT the evil Rogue's Gallery. And maybe that Tri-Lambda Group
too.
What do you think about this "out-heeling" contest between the Gallery and
the Tri-Lambda Group, Perfessor?
I think it's a great ratings draw as long as it
stays nicely repetitive for eighteen months. Then we'll have to make more
factions as the whole thing spirals downward until it hits a plateau at a
really low level when everyone knows the names will still exist solely for
the T-shirts.
Uh...that's a good point there...Mike. So refresh my memory, OCSCW still
sucks, right?
Yes, but they've consistently destroyed us in the
ratings.
Say what you will about "the Darkspawn" Oliver
Copp, but he sure knows how to market matches that look exactly the same
and don't have any life in 'em!
Much like yours, back in the day.
Yeah, I'd say so...hey, who changed my script?
That's not what it said in rehearsal!
We don't have rehearsals. Most of this stuff was booked half an hour ago
by the wrestlers who have enough stroke and feel the need to give
themselves bigger pushes until the world gets sick of their egomania.
Then why is Hogan so popular?
Hogan who?
***bell rings.
Was there a match going on? I didn't
notice.
The only match we really need to concern
ourselves with is the "G-Rated War Games". It's going to be a match of
epic proportions!
Not a spectacular extravaganza?
Our producer said that phrase didn't do well in
the focus group testing.
The winner of this contest, THE MAD COW!
Uh...did anyone see how that one happened?
Truthfully I wasn't paying attention. But you
fans out there saw it, and I'm reasonably sure that it was the sort of
entertainment you've come to expect from STWF Monday Nae Trous
LIVE!
You're not even saying if that's good or
bad.
No, I'm not.
That's all well and good, but right now we'll see the debut return of the
Tiger, and he faces B.F. Sack in what should be a great matchup.
Well, I think we might see a little ring rust on
the Tiger, and not to mention B.F. Sack. But say what you will about
EITHER of these guys, they're tough and always ready to give it their
all.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way down
the aisle, from Panama City, Florida, former STWF Heavyweight Champion and
master of the Domino Effect, B.F. SACK!
(The theme from Sanford and Son plays. B.F. Sack emerges to a good pop.
Someone is shown holding a sign reading "Sack It", but two cops wearing
"Thought Police" badges take it away from him and escort him to the back
for reprogramming to make him a more suitable STWF spectator.)
And his opponent, making his STWF return, from Richmond, Virginia, former
STWF Intergalactic Champion and master of the Tiger Rack, THE TIGER!
("Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays. An audience member is shown with a
glazed look in his eyes. He has a sign saying "Show Us Your Puppies
Rack". The Thought Police are at work tonight.)
Look at all those enthusiastic fans here tonight LIVE.
***bell rings.
Are we going to get a chance to see the new
Irving Goldstein video tonight?
No.
How about the Tyrone Mayhem video?
The censors wouldn't allow it. They found the girls' "booty dance" too
suggestive. The scene where the guy in the black trench coat shoots up a
schoolyard was cleared though, so we might see a clip of it later.
Tragedy + timing = comedy. Don't
complain if you're offended, or I'll just keep pushing that
envelope.
The Tiger with a fabulous reverse neckbreaker, brilliantly executed!
Uh...that was a bulldogging headlock, there,
Tony.
Well how can you tell the difference? The Tiger now with some sort of
suplex.
Fallaway slam for those of you keeping score at
home.
B.F. Sack retaliates with a brutal series of headbutts.
European uppercuts.
Those too.
That's right folks, he switched up to
headbutts.
What a great matchup. It's not every day that you
see two legends out there wrestling, and actually giving some technical
moves because they're young enough to do 'em without their
bones creaking.
That's very true, but that's not to say that the STWF veterans can't still
mix it up with the best of them, because STWF wrestling is the best on
earth, no matter what the ratings say! Our fans know better than to enjoy
the utter stupidity of Oliver Copp and his Smoky Championship
Wrestling.
Be careful! You shouldn't invoke the true name of
the Darkspawn lest his presence be felt here again. You just
stick to hyping the upcoming matches.
I'll be careful next time. Just like all our competitors in the main
event should be careful, because that "G-Rated War Games" match is
going to be one of EPIC proportions! History will be re-written here
tonight! And it's not going to be because douja won the ICCTINACBBIC
belt, oh no, it's going to be this main event!
Better. The Tiger with a shoulderbreaker and goes
for the pin. 1...2...and a shoulder up by Sack; ironically, it's the
shoulder which should technically be broken.
Say what you will about B.F. Sack but you gotta
admire his intestinal fortitude!
Can you believe what's already happened here tonight? douja wins the belt,
Mad Cow upsetting Luke Warm, this match in progress? What more could
happen here on STWF Monday Nae Trous LIVE, you ask? How about that
spectacular "G-Rated War Games" extravaganza?
Has my point been made yet? No? I think I heard a
"no" somewhere...
The Tiger signalling the Tiger Rack...and there's the Tiger Driver! Sack
was trying to set himself up to reverse the hold, but the Tiger just
outsmarted him.
These athletes have to learn to expect the
unexpected. Just because someone signals a move doesn't mean they're going
to follow through with it.
Now THERE'S a lesson I should have applied last
week at the airport bar.
Do we even want to know what that means, "Perfessor" "Iron" Mike
Twilight?
No, I don't think we do, Angus "Tony"
McSchiavon.
The Tiger makes a great cover with a great hooking of the leg! 1...2...3!
Great! Tiger wins!
Here is your winner, THE TIGER!
We'll be right back.
NOW! You can get your very own STWF credit cards! No annual fee, and
interest is only 24%! Plus, you get discounts on great STWF merchandise
and each month we enter you in a contest to win a year's supply of
Meatnsaucy Powdered Gravy (six gallon-drums)! Just look at these great
designs to choose from: Bohemoth, Sergeant Genocide, Sugarplum Harry, the
Tiger, the Corpulent Ministry, and most preferred by prisoners, the
Candygirls, and Don't Ask Don't Tell! And MORE! Getting into severe debt
has never been more fun than with STWF credit cards! Order today.
And we're back. "The Livin' Legend" Jammy Nabisco is now replaced with
Mustafa "Musty" Rhodes.
He'th gonna take hith libatieth outta on 'im
right heah, iff ya weeeill.
Is it just me, or did Jamal get more eloquent
since last week?
Don't ask me, I can't understand him normally. Now, we do have an
update...if you'll recall on STWF "Saturday Wee Hours of the Morning", a
show that isn't available in some (read: all) areas, "Soft Core" Zack
resigned his position as North American Champion, and requested that the
contenders be Francis "Nutcracker" Sweet and whoever dared to face him.
Well, Homicidal Hank of all people accepted the challenge and went on to
defeat Francis Sweet and he is your new North American Champion.
If you didn't happen to be in Rio de Janeiro for
that match, you missed out on a good one.
Well y'know dat Hommythidal Hank 'e got him thome
big thkills an' e's double-tough an' him takin' out dat Nutcracker well
that wath jutht thomethin' ayyyyyyelthe.
Well, I couldn't have said it better myself without having my tongue torn
in six places.
Right now, you're all going to see that match
you've all been waiting for.
We gonna thee dat thpectaculah exthtravagantha!
A G-ratahd Wooooah Gameth match-uh! Dat Head Trauma Club gonna take on dat
Corperlent Minerthty, and dey gotta altho take they libatieth out on dem
Three Guyth Pluth Woahhhn. Ith gonna be one fodah ageth!
Ah! My eyes! Saliva...I'm blind. Excuse me, I
need to wash up. (he leaves, clutching his face)
Uh...hopefully he'll be back soon, because I can't call a match to save my
damn life, and this is the main event, I can't hype much else. Hmmm...can
I remind you to get your tickets early for SUPERCARD V? When are they
going on sale?
The following contest is a "G-Rated War Games" match,
of epic proportions, and is set for one fall. Team #1, representing the
Head Trauma Club, here are Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants, Necro Phil, Claude
"Lightning Clippers" Leroux, and Flatline!
(Claude Leroux enters alone first)
"Lightning Clippers": Hey Meatnsaucy! I beat your Rogue fair and
square. Heck, he was too chicken to even answer da questions! So where's
my $5000?
(Fred Meatnsaucy comes out with a roll of bills.)
Fred Meatnsaucy: He wasn't chicken, he just felt that your getting a
beatdown from the Gallery would be a waste of energy. So just take your
$5000, I make that in interest in three hours! HERE! (he whips the roll of
bills at Claude's head. He misses, then runs off like a sissy.)
(The rest of the Head Trauma Club enter
next.)
Next, team #2, representing the Corpulent Ministry, here are "Soft Core"
Zack, Francis "Nutcracker" Sweet, Mittens the Mannerless and the One Man
Tag Team!
(Deviance and the Undergarment lead their group of evil and chubby
teamsters to the ring. Boos.)
Finally, team #3, the Three Guys...plus One!
(Out come the Violent Pacifist, Sir Hungalot, Jean Bannister, and the
Fourth Guy, who's hooded.)
Who ith it? I cain't see!
Wait a sec, this hooded mystery guy business is for Raw, not Nitro! The
Fourth Guy is...StreetMime? NO! It can't be! Because the REAL StreetMime
is coming from the rafters now! We've got a fake StreetMime!
Now THAT'TH a Nitro!
The fake StreetMime is getting unmasked. It's ... well, I don't know who
it is.
Fourth Guy: Maybe THIS will give you a clue! (reveals a hockey mask
from under his cloak. It's Dr. Snare's mask)
Wow! The Fourth Guy is an unmasked Dr. Snare!
That's Eli "the Freak" Snare to you now! No more of this Doctor
business. It's so old-school.
Necro Phil: Hey, we resent that! Isn't that right, Helena?
I hate to rain on the parade, but I have a little
announcement too!
Ith da Penthuh-Neck Geek, I wondah what'n 'e
wanth.
Just to steal your thunder of your pitiful
revelation of the Fourth Guy, I've decided to show up here on STWF Monday
Nae Trous LIVE! and tell you all the newest member of the Tri-Lambda
Group. My Immortal Shapes are a little, well, difficult to manage alone;
one can barely speak English, and then there's El Spheros. I've enlisted
the help of one of the greatest talents and minds of the old guard of the
STWF to assist me in these duties. May I present...TRAPEZOID!
(Trapezoid enters, walking with a cane. He waves to the audience, who
barely register a response.)
Snare: Are you guys done? We have a match.
Oh, sure, go ahead, I think I've sufficiently
dampened the crowd anyway. Hee hee hee! I'm such a heel, and so
brilliant, it's scary!
***bell rings.
Well, I haven't exactly gone over the RULES of this G-rated War Games
match. They sent me this six-page memo about it, but I have neither the
time nor the functional literacy to go through it all. Musty, care to give
me the gist of it?
Why shoah. Ethentially dem dozen get in da ring
an' take theyah libatieth out on each othah with whatever itemth they thee
fit ta find. An' when you got wooan team that'th taken theyah libatieth on
d'othah team, and den dat thuhd team c'n take THEYAH libatieth
on...
You don't know either, do you?
Well not ath thuch, no, but ain't gonna thtop me
from gettin' in all da mic time that I kayyyyan, if ya
weeeeill.
You're a sick, desperate man, Musty. Well, it's an all out brawl right
here, and someone's going to get their boo-tay kicked tonight, right here
LIVE! Zack just took that Dixie cup to the wrong side of Necro Phil's
face! Someone's setting up a large styrofoam flutterboard in one corner,
I'd love to see someone go through that one!
I hope I didn't miss TOO much of this spectacular
extrava...oh, wait, I mean match of epic proportions. I forgot, that other
line didn't do well.
The producer said the focus group results were flawed. So it's fine. Eli
Snare with an Irish Whip on Mittens the Mannerless, Mittens crashes right
into that flutterboard and look at the styrofoam bits fly! Impressive
maneuver.
Eli Snare? When did this happen?
Okay, When da Three Guyth Pluth
Wooan...
Tell me later, I want to see this match. Flatline
doing a 450 splash from the top rope with that inflatable chicken doll!
Leaping Lonnie got too close to that, but Night Train remains unscathed.
Sir Hungalot rolls up Lonnie: 1...2...no. Francis "Nutcracker" Sweet has a
pair of scissors! Oh no!
Francis Sweet: Who opened up the Gates of Hell? Where's Arn? Arn! I'm
gunnin' for YOU, man! Come ON! (giggles but no sound emerges)
That guy's certifiable!
For today only, though. I hope.
Dr. Plants is trying to wrestle the scissors away from Francis Sweet...I
sure hope nobody gets hurt! This is G-rated after all. But still, isn't it
spectacular?
It's about to get MORE spectacular! Here comes
the Rogue's Gallery to interfere!
And not to be outdone, the Tri-Lambda Group is coming out too! Both
stables want to be the deciding factor in the outcome of this match. On
one side, we've got the Rogue's Gallery cutting through the cage with
clippers, and the Tri-Lambda group is melting the cage with a high-powered
acetylene torch!
***bell rings.
Before both groups ruin a perfectly good match, we'd
like to pre-emptively call a NO-CONTEST! So there, you heels, you don't
get any licks in at all!
Sergeant Genocide: Oh YEAH?
Look at this! Both stables are beating on
Announcer Lad!
Well, that's all the time we have. For "the Perfessor" "Iron" Mike
Twilight and Musty Rhodes, I'm Angus "Tony" McSchiavon saying
goodnight!
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo
Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre