Monday Nae Trous - Canada Day Chaos is coming!

(Pan interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. Things look back to normal, and not nearly like last week.)
Hello, all you lucky people, and welcome to Monday Nae Trous! For those of you tuning in for the first time, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, the guy in the blue superhero getup is Captain Twilight, who'll be 83 in a couple of weeks...and the guy in the chocolate-coloured loincloth is Jamal Tupac Mustafa. We've got a supremely sub-par card lined up...
And why's that, Vince?
Easy. Because Canada Day Chaos is our next pay-per-view, and it's booked randomly, so we can't use any feuds to plug it!
Ooh, thass wack.
Indeed. In fact...let's take you to the brackets now.
[ ]
That being taken care of, let's show you the teams for Canada Day Chaos.

Eeeeh. Hi, I'm the Creepy Timekeeper. And I'll be drawing the Kinder Surprise eggs filled with little papers of the 36 competitors in Canada Day Chaos. Oooh, I'm getting tingly just thinking about it! (He pulls out the Kinder Surprise eggs from the mayonnaise drum and pops them open with his teeth.)
TEAM A: Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants, Jeffrey Steingold, douja. Ooh, not bad!
TEAM B: Jean Bannister, "Lightning Clippers", Très Sheik. Hmmm.
(pulls out yet more Kinder Surprise eggs. He turns with his back to camera and after a zipper is heard opening and closing, he has the next names.)

TEAM C: OddJobber, Four, B.F. Sack. Eeeeeh.
TEAM D: Lenny "the Force" Baxter, The Pencil-Necked Geek, Sir Hungalot. Ooooh.
(Those orange plastic eggs keep flying. The Creepy Timekeeper pulls out a sawed-off shotgun and plucks a few out of the air. He reads the singed papers.)

TEAM E: BILL, Luke Warm, Necro Phil. Ooh, Luke's not going to like that.
TEAM F: "Soft Core" Zack, Mittens the Mannerless, Flash "the Mastermind" Flanagan. Oh boy.
(A brief shot of El Presidente's head grafted on Marilyn Monroe's body from the movie "Bus Stop" appears for some reason. We then see the Creepy Timekeeper has the next names.)

TEAM G: Bohemoth, the Tiger, Billy Polar. I think we have a winner! Eeeh.
TEAM H: Handy Dandy Rocket Randy Armstrong, El Spheros, Col. "Pops" Khorne. Maybe not...ooooh.
(The Creepy Timekeeper reaches to get the next eggs, but accidentally sticks his gigantic lollipop to his chest hair. He manages to pull it off, then takes another few licks. Hey, we said he was creepy already!)

TEAM I: Irving Goldstein, Sugarplum Harry, Francis "the Nutcracker" Sweet (honest! It was random!)
TEAM J: ThatGuy, Petey the Peanut Guy, the Violent Pacifist. Last six up next! Eeehh.
(Creepy T empties the mayonnaise drum of the last few eggs, then scrapes some of the remaining...oh, never mind, that's just out of hand.)

TEAM K: Homicidal Hank, the Square, the One-Man Tag Team. Yehhhhh....
TEAM L: slater, Big Baby Hubert, The Mason v0.2. And that's it. Eeeeh.

Wow! What a spectacular line-up that'll turn out to be! And the questions! Can B.F. Sack take his team to the end, so he can beat up two jobbers and win the Chaos for the second time in a row?
I know he won the first one...but how?
Shhh! Can Team B put aside their differences? Will team H pull of the upset over the team of Bohemoth, the Tiger and up-and-comer Billy Polar? Can we see that pic of El Presidente again?
Probably only on the Internet now.
What a shame. Alright, I guess I can live with that. So here's our first match: Pain and Pleasure against whoever the Pencil-Necked Geek can drum up!
This is a gauntlet tag team contest, and is scheduled for as many falls as there are opposing teams. Entering first, representing the Three Guys Plus One, the team of Sir Hungalot and Jean Bannister, PAIN AND PLEASURE!
("Love Roller Coaster" plays and the two start shaking hands coming down the aisle. The Violent Pacifist then enters and does the same.)
I still say that's a cheap way ta get pop.
Crowd: J-T-M! J-T-M! (Jamal stands, turns around and waves to the crowd, who give him a huge pop. Angus and the Captain stare at him.)
What?
Alright, you two Canucks, last week I was easy on you. But this week I'm going to make you WORK for that title shot! Beat these three teams and I'll be a nice guy and give you the title shot against the Immortal Shapes. But lose, even once, and forget it! They're going to the Ambulance Jockeys or something. Oh, and what a coincidence! The Ambulance Jockeys are your first team!
What a coup! The Pencil-Necked Geek setting up a challenge with former tag team champions. The Jockeys don't even wait to count the money they received, or even for their theme song, they're rushing right out here!
This oughta be one for the highlight reel!
When have we ever had highlights?
***bell rings.
Alright! Barry "the Backboard" Brown looks ready to lay a heavy beatin' on Sir Hungalot. He's tossing his lefts and rights at breakneck speed. Unfortunately, he's aiming WAY too high.
You're right; it would be nice to actually hit a guy when you punch so fast.
He oughta punch in slo-mo, an' go fo' accuracy.
Yes, but then that would give Big Sir time to dodge them.
(pause) Ya lost me, V.
Sigh. Barry actually lands a solid hit right in the solar plexus! The knight in latex armour is reeling from that one. Barry with an axe kick.
He's finally showing us what he can do. Sure Garry is carrying the team, but Barry looks to be pulling his weight tonight.
Barry: HEY! What do you mean, Garry is carrying the team?
Shut the hell up, Barry.
Ooh! That distraction just cost Barry dearly. Sir Hungalot with a missile dropkick! He tags in Jean Bannister, and launches him for a big back splash onto the Backboard. Garry might not get a chance to be in this contest... there's the cover: 1...2...Greene with the save.
KEVIN GREENE?! Wow! Thass juss so cool! An' here I am thinkin', we ain't neva gonna get us some football playas...okay, so Ironhead Heyward was a guest ref once.
Cap, would you like to tell him it was Garry Greene and not Kevin Greene, or shall I?
Please let me hit him with the blackjack. Please?
Oh, let him be. He can't help it. Now Sir Hungalot is keeping Garry Greene occupied...as is Candy Cantaloupes...
Is she still on payroll?
Yes, but last I heard it wasn't for appearances on Monday Nae Trous.
Sir Hungalot: You guys just stick to the match, alright? Don't pi...uh, I mean, don't get me riled! Yeah!
Jean Bannister with the Slap Shot! Wow, a technical move. I'm amazed.
And the back splash wasn't technical?
Don't spoil my script. He hooks the leg: 1...2...3!
Ooh, you Canadians make me so angry. But you wanna play hardball? Fine! I invented that sport.
Sir Hungalot: But I changed ALL the rules. (gyrating his hips to screams from the (desperate) ladies)
Ergh! Well let's see if you can get past these next opponents: SMOOTH AND CRUNCHY!
(The theme song from "Peanuts" plays. Petey the Peanut Guy and Mr. Planters enter, along with Sister Deloris and her acoustic guitar *hint hint wink wink*)
***bell rings.
Looks like the Geek is pulling out all the stops! He doesn't want his Immortal Shapes defending those belts! But why not, I wonder? Cap, insights?
I caught up with the Square backstage before the show. Chet, do we have that clip?

Now, where could that Square be? Remember, Cap, check all the walls because you won't notice him at first. Wait, there he is! Square! A word with you, if I may!
(The Square just turns around and glares at the Captain)
The Pencil-Necked Geek seems to be preventing you and El Spheros from defending your "3-4-1" tag team belts. Do you have any comments?
no.
Why not?
because I don't give a damn about you.
Well thanks for nothing.

Very insightful, Cap, thanks for that.
The Square has such a stuck-up attitude. It's classic "Squarrogance".
Did you see that move executed on Mr. Planters? Let's go to the Albatross Brothers Double Feature!
(A split screen. The screen showing the live feed has both sides arguing with the ref over a hair pull. The replay screen shows a wind-up with a wicker basket complete with cobra, and a crowdshot just before the good stuff.)
Sir Hungalot just grabbed Sister Deloris' guitar out of the hands of Mr. Planters, and BOOM! The ref doesn't even notice that the guitar is hanging around Planters' neck and counts 1...2...3!
You ever pause to think that maybe we need better refs?
No. Not fo' a second.
Jamal's right; where's the fun in that?
(jumping up and down) No no no no no! This isn't right at all! You guys cheated on that last match, so I'm declaring this gauntlet null and void! You're not going to challenge those belts against my Immortal Shapes! So there! Nyah.
I'm afraid it's not that simple.
Oh my! It's the Right Hand Man!
RHM: You made up this contract yourself, Geek, so if you forgot the fine print it's your own fault. It says right here that if the party who makes up the contract - that's you - reneges on said contract in any form, then said party - you again - is declaring a forfeit and therefore Pain and Pleasure will INDEED wrestle the Immortal Shapes next week after Canada Day Chaos! (cheers)
Oh...yeah...forgot about that...damn. Guess I was preoccupied on making my cold fusion generator at home quieter. It's got this really annoying knock, you see, and...
RHM: Alright, Geek, whatever. And you still have that match against the Violent Pacifist tonight. In fact, it's now!
Of course! And I forgot - I was given stips of choice here! So, here we go. *AHEM* We've got a steel cage around the ring and ringside area - can we do that? No budget, huh? Sigh - okay, scrap that. Next: The Violent Pacifist is in a straitjacket and I'm not - can we do that? Yeah? Excellent.
This doesn't bode well for the VP.
Brilliant deduction, Holmes, thass rippin'.
Jamal, have you been reading again?
AHEM! Next: Any offensive maneuvers or pin attempts that hit ME will result in an automatic DQ and a 3-month suspension for whoever did it. And finally, the match can only end in a pinfall. Quick tip, Pacifist: Never let someone who's smarter than you pick the match. I'm so mind-bogglingly smart, I scare myself sometimes. (does a little tip-toe running-on-the-spot dance like Frank Gorshin used to do as the Riddler)
Here comes the Violent Pacifist now and he doesn't look happy. Announcer Lad is fitting the straitjacket on him. This is pretty much going to be a serious beatdown!
***bell rings.
The Geek unloading everything he's got on the Violent Pacifist! Now he's throwing a few hits!

This episode of Monday Nae Trous has been rated TV-14-V. Go to bed, kids, you really don't want to see this. Honest. Parents, before they go to bed, check under their mattress and thank me later.

The Violent Pacifist is doing nothing to retaliate! He can't; he doesn't need the suspension!
Angus, do something! We can't allow this to happen!
At da risk of soundin' like a heel, which I ain't, sho we can.
Fine. I'll see what I can do. You call the match in the meanwhile.
(Angus pulls out a felt-tip pen with a picture of a guy with an afro on the top. As he writes, a loud squeaking is heard. Somewhere, Bill Cosby is shuddering.)
The Pencil-Necked Geek is moving to elbowdrops. He covers: 1...2...the Geek pulls him up! He wants to do MORE! He winds up for another big punch...but is held back by a hulking brute who just appeared in the ring.
Iss Deus X. Masheena!
The answer to all inconsistencies in plots and matches which need some kind of proper ending. And you can't suspend this guy because he's not a wrestler here! The Pencil-Necked Geek gets a CHOKESLAM! Masheena going over to the VP...CHOKESLAM! Sorry, I can't control that part. He does that to everyone.
Here is your winner, as a result of a disqualification...THE PENCIL-NECKED GEEK!
The Pencil-Necked Geek, victorious in this match, even though he really wanted to do a bit more.
He did plenny.
Okay...we don't have any time to waste so let's get right to the next match! What? We have time to waste? Commercials!

Monday Nae Trous is brought to you by Yoo-Hoo. Hey nerdboy! Git your @$$ over to the store and pick some up already, it's the drink preferred by geeks everywhere! And 2 out of 3 celebrities agree, it's a hit!
Luke Warm: "This is the stuff I need to get me going, and over with the fans! (double thumbs-up, chugs it like a beast) Ahhhhh."
Linus Torvalds, creator of the Linux operating system: "As pretty much the idol of nerds and geeks worldwide, I proudly support Yoo-Hoo for its wholesomeness and the fact that it's not owned by Microsoft. Yet."
Adam West, TV's Batman: "What's Yoo-Hoo?"
You heard 'em, now get going already!
(Note: the STWF does not recommend or endorse this product. And the Linus Torvalds thing is pure guesswork.)

Alright, we're back here on the No-Fly Zone.
It was Monday Nae Trous a second ago.
Yes, but if we pretend it's two shows, we get more advertising money.
No ads in the second half, foo'.
Oh yeah...damn it!
The following contest is for one fall. Making his way to the ring at this time, from his own little world in the magical province in his head - Saskatchewan, what a stupid name! - here is "Handy Dandy Rocket" Randy Armstrong!
("The Last Countdown" by Ozzy Osbourne plays. Randy Armstrong enters and tries to act like he has a clue what's going on. He fails miserably.)
His opponent, once again representing the Rogue's Gallery, from Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, the Sultan of Sweet, the Exorbitant Arab, TRÈS SHEIK!
("Supermodel" plays. The Rogue does that "airplane" move coming down the aisle. The Sheik is spraying his foul perfume around and kisses the Rogue on the top of the head - in a totally non-gay manner - once he reaches ringside. Lots of boos.)
***bell rings.
Well, I guess you can take the man out of the Gallery, but you can't take the Gallery out of the man.
What are you talking about? Both Jamal and I were members of the Rogue's Gallery at one point.
Oh, you don't count, you're commentators. Sheik with a swinging neckbreaker after bouncing off the ropes. An arrogant muscle-posing cover straight off: 1...and that's all he gets.
He pretty cocky, dat Sheik.
Typical Gallery-ite. Randy Armstrong being set up for an Irish whip...reversal and the Sheik hits the buckle only to somehow wind up upside-down. Rocket Randy kicking away at him. Très Sheik is powerless to stop him in such a vulnerable position! Okay, he's out of the corner. Sheik has been angered, it's plain as the nose on Jamal's face. Sheik with a headbutt, and an arm twist... and now Handy Dandy is on the receiving end of a rope burn!
Oh, those are painful.
HDRRA: Ow! Oh, very good, Twilight. Are you getting paid for that kind of insight? Ow! Hey, quit it, that stings!
Randy Armstrong getting distracted by Captain Twilight's observations of the bloody obvious. And yes, he IS getting paid for that.
And yes, guys, he IS single.
What's THAT supposed to mean? I'm not single! I've got grandkids!
The Sultan of Sweet, totally dominating the Moon Man we've all grown to tolerate. Not like that stupid Toilet Duck.
Was he even accepted back in this fed?
No idea - I'm still waiting for the Tiger's knee to heal. Sheik now, with a shoulderbreaker! And he's setting up...for the CAMEL CLUTCH!
Ooh, I cain't watch!
It's the Chosen Ones! They've Chosen...to interfere! And who is that big guy with the meat cleaver? Looks like some butcher. I guess they're not pleased with the Sheik's leaving the Mid-East Alliance.
In the Sheik's defence, he really wasn't going anywhere with that group. Total back burner. Under the Rogue I could definitely see him with that ICCTINACBBIC Belt again.
The ref totally oblivious to the interference of the old Jewish men. But he doesn't miss the roll-up and the three-count! No clean endings before a PPV, that's the rule! But Randy Armstrong victorious nonetheless. Here comes the Gallery...or what's left of it...Sergeant Genocide and Col. "Pops" Khorne! And some new guy. Hey, take a look at that guy's finger!
Do I hafta?
You'd better not. But it sure deserves an explanation; we'll just have to get one later. Okay, this brawl's going back to the locker room. And we have just one more match to take care of tonight.
This is your Monday Nae Trous Main Event Two-Minute Screwjob. Are you ready?
(Absolute silence. One guy in the nosebleeds is heard with crystal clarity:
Guy: YOU SUCK!)
Do you have the gonads to come down here and say that? Didn't think so. I said, ARE YOU RRRRRRRRREADY?
Then, for the dozens in attendance, and the hundreds watching at home... LLLLLLLLLET'S GET RRRRREADY TO SCREEEEEEEEEEWJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB! Entering first, from the deep dark coal-blackened caverns of Charleston, West Virginia. An absolutely staggering 490 lbs. of raw, half-blind power. He is the MASTER of the SMASHER, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHEMOTH!
Voiceover: (sing-song style) Wellll....it's the BIG Bo!
("In the Hall of the Mountain King" plays. Bohemoth walks out with his white cane. People are giving him a standing ovation.)
His opponent, from the deep dark urban recesses of Portland, Oregon. An absolutely staggering 479 lbs. of raw, beanie-propeller-driven power. He is the MASTER of the GLOVE, MIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTENS!
("Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" chimes out of the PA. Mittens starts tearing down the "Mittens Sucks" and "Where's Grampa?" signs before entering the ring.)
***bell rings.
This one's going to be interesting. None of the Asylum Alliance are in the building besides "the Big Bo." Mittens meanwhile has a few friends willing to help him so we'll see.
Bohemoth with an armbar submission. The slightly taller Mittens reaches the ropes after some difficulty. Both men up now. Mittens LEVELS the coal miner with a clothesline!
Bohemoth with a total no-sell on that move, getting up almost immediately. Full nelson headlock coming your way.
Why is Bo doin' submission moves? He knows this ain't gonna last two minutes, so why he slowin' it down?
Don't ask me, I'm just a commentator. Mittens with a standing switch, and a German suplex. The ref counts 1...2...and he GOT HIM! No, he didn't, there's still a screwjob imminent. There really is no point in a pin attempt here.
Nor in a submission maneuver, let's not forget.
Quite so. And there's the two-minute clarion. Let's see who's screwjobbing this match now!
(The Kamera Kid cuts to the entranceway. Even Mittens and Bohemoth stop and turn, eagerly awaiting the interference.)
Is it juss me, o' has interference become telegraphed?
Here they come! It's...the Corpulent Ministry? But...but WHY? The One-Man Tag Team, Francis "Nutcracker" Sweet, and "Soft Core" Zack the North American champion are rushing the ring and beating on Bohemoth. Mittens beats a hasty retreat back to the locker room.
Bohemoth has no one to help him! But wait, maybe he does! Look who's coming out now - it's his Canada Day Chaos partners, Billy Polar and the TIGER! The Tiger is back! He's back, folks! All the men in the ring now duking it out.
The lights just went out!
"Soft Core" Zack: LOOK! The Taller and Considerably Fatter Power approaches!
(A big guy in a dark hooded robe approaches, looking tired for some reason.)
WHO IS IT? WHO IS IT? Folks, we can't show you, we're out of time! On behalf of J...
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre