Monday Nae Trous
Monday Nae Trous - Still on the Air!

(Pan interior of the Chinook Dome. That's right, we moved back to the Northwest Territories to take advantage of a sinking Canadian dollar. Signs abound like "Turn up the Damn Heat!" and "Ken Thompson Would Feel Right at Home", all the way to "The Rogue Took Away my Hubcap Gang Sign".)
Vince, turn down the volume on your headset.
Sorry. Who's been fiddling with it? Well, to say this show will be action-packed is an understatement. We've got a fantastic lineup because we really lost viewers over the past few weeks. Three titles go on the line! A tag team cage match with "Flash" Flanagan as special guest referee! And of course, a triple-threat handicap Food Fight Match! It's Billy the Baker against two teams: the Sisters of the Joint Rosary, and Petey the Peanut Guy with Mr. Planters. We've got Announcer Lad standing by in the locker room to get comments from Smooth and Crunchy.

(A dark grey dressing room, lit by a single bare lightbulb with a ballchain for a switch. A wet-dry vac and a mop are in one corner. Okay, so it's not exactly a dressing room.)
Mr. Planters (removing his costume head) I say, sir, the accommodations here are nothing short of appalling.
Petey the Peanut Guy: It's just because we're new. Once we make a mark, we'll get a good dressing room like those other guys. Do you have all the food we prepared earlier?
Mr. Planters: Indeed, sir.

Please, can we see what foods you've brought?
Petey: Are you still here? Very well. Planters, is that the industrial garbage bag o' food over there?
Mr. Planters: Yes, sir. Peanut oil, peanut brittle, Extra-large bag of Peanut M&Ms...

They're not all peanut related, are they?
Petey: Of course not! What did you take us for, some peanut-obsessed freaks? (looking into Announcer Lad's face) did. No, we have other things. Planters, check to see the other foods. Licorice whips? Custard pies? Bangers and Mash?
Mr. Planters (pulling out a plate of sausages and mashed potatoes and sniffing deeply) Mmmm...yes sir! (grabbing a butter tart from a tray and biting into it) And these butter tarts you made are nothing short of brilliant!
Petey: I didn't bake the butter tarts, I thought you did! Uh-oh....
Mr. Planters: Sir, I don't feel well at all. I feel....feel...(makes retching noises into his costume head. He promptly falls unconscious.)

I'll get some EMTs. But what are you going to do without a partner?
Petey: I'll think of something...yes, something.

What an interesting development. But we'll have to follow that later, because to start things off, it's the North American Championship on the line! We've received word that a boring angle thing doesn't really increase ratings at the start of the show, and any Hubcapper on the screen will draw viewers like moths to flame.
Making his way to the ring, representing the Three Guys and accompanied by Jean Bannister, from Seattle, Washington, the VIOLENT PACIFIST!
("Rock and Roll Part 2" plays. Don't blame Vic, Jean Bannister came out first. He can only judge by what he sees. Some pop...but not a lot because they know who's coming next...)
And his opponent, from Bumbledink, Tejas, representing the "elite fan favourites" in the Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre...and accompanied by!
(Stuff breaking is heard all over. Luke Warm charges the arena and starts hammering the VP before the...)
***bell rings.
It's a pier-six brawl right off the bat! I can hear those viewers tuning in now.
For those of you just joining us, it's Luke Warm defending his North American strap against the Violent Pacifist, former champion. And the Violent Pacifist is taking the blows right now in a non-aggressive manner suitable to his personality.
Good idea, recap for the people.
A'ight, if you say so...Let Us Take You Back(TM) to earlia' tanite, when Mista Plantaz dropped from some funky butta tarts.

Mr. Planters: Sir, I don't feel well at all. I feel....feel...(makes retching noises into his costume head. He promptly falls unconscious.)
I'll get some EMTs. But what are you going to do without a partner?
Petey: I'll think of something...yes, something.

Get out of the booth, Jamal. I've had just about enough out of you.
What? But I'm a face!
("J-T-M" chant from the bleachers. Jamal turns around and waves to the fans. Huge pop.)
Quit that! The Violent Pacifist mounting some offense. He slaps on an atomic drop. Luke Warm doing a good job jumping around and holding his crotch. VP with a dropkick, but he just barely missed. Luke Warm gives him an Eastern Lights suplex.
Eastern Lights? I believe that's called a Japanese Patio Lantern suplex.
(riffling through pages) I do believe you're right. What would I do without you, Cap?
How many diff'rent ways can you toss a guy? Dass stupid!
Number of different suplexes? Oh, four hundred and eighteen at LEAST! And that's not counting the stuff you see in Mexico.
Luke Warm with a Buy-One-Get-One-Free double suplex!
The Violent Pacifist counters with the rarely-seen Amsterdam Window Show suplex! Gotta love it.

I'm nipping this in the bud. This program is rated TV-14-RX, because it's your prescription for excellence in gimmickry.

The VP with a sunset flip: 1...2...almost won the belt there!
Yeah, almost. But if you t'ink dere's alotta suplexes, you oughta see all the different ways to put on a Stonecutter! Luke Warm's gonna try one tanite he told me.
Luke Warm holds up a foot and claps on either side of the Violent Pacifist's head. STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! The VP is down. Jean Bannister jumps on the apron, but StreetMime attached his suspenders to Bannister's arm, neither of them are going anywhere! 1....2....3! Luke Warm keeps his belt.
Here is your winner, and STILLLLL STWF North American Champion, LUKE WARM!
Luke Warm pulling out a Luke-Hoo and chugging it down. There's the double thumbs-up! The crowd can't get enough of this guy!
I heard he learned the Luke-Hoo-out-of-nowhere trick from Presto Cadabra. And that's the last Entertainment Industry reference for quite some time.
Let's go now to the steel cage match! Here comes "Flash" Flanagan in the zebra suit.
This marks only the second time we've had a special guest referee, the first being Richard Roundtree way back at SUPERCARD III.
Where's the cage?
It's not being lowered from the rafters.
Here comes da ring crew now!
Foreman: Oh my God, we forgot to set up the cage!
Um...while they're setting up the cage, let's show you the In Your Face: IceJam teams that were picked in a ceremony that was taped earlier tonight!

The following are the teams for the upcoming PPV, In Your Face: IceJam.
Representing the Inner Circle: The Tiger, Tyrone Mayhem, Prisoner X, the Organ Grinder, and J. Fred Kokomo, Jr.
Representing the Hubcap Gang: B.F. Sack, Claude "Lightning Fingers" Leroux, Luke Warm, StreetMime, and Jamal Tupac Mustafa.
Representing the Rogue's Gallery: Sergeant Genocide, Très Sheik, Col. "Pops" Khorne, and the Rhythm and Blues Express.
Representing Grampa's Old Boys: Irving Goldstein, Mittens, Captain Twilight, and Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Representing the Asylum Alliance: Homicidal Hank, Bohemoth, ThatGuy, BILL and Sasquatch.
Representing Club Med: Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants, Necro Phil, Nurse Heidi and the Ambulance Jockeys.
This gives us six "stable" teams. Now we have the independent teams...
Independent Team #1: Lenny "the Force" Baxter, Jean Bannister, Jeffrey Steingold, douja, and Tony "the Mobster" Bascere, wherever he might be.
Independent Team #2: Dr. Snare, Sir Hungalot, Friar "Buck", Dan "the Beachman" Smith, the Pencil-Necked Geek.
Independent Team #3: The Violent Pacifist, Petey the Peanut Guy, Billy the Baker, Death, Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando.
Independent Team #4: Billy U. Badd, Sister Muffy, the Mad Cow, Big Buck Johanson, "Flash" Flanagan.
Independent Team #5: Slick Willy, Switch, Sugarplum Harry, Sister Deloris, Ricky "DOOM" Johnson.
Independent Team #6: Sweet Candy Andy, Bait, Buzz Redwood, the Bully, and a mystery entrant. (They'll need it!)
Those are the IceJam Teams. Live with them. thank you.

And we're back. Hey, the cage still isn't done!
Foreman: Get off my back, willya? We lost three men to downsizing. We're workin' as fast as we can! Almost done...
Now what?
How about the Win Fred Meatnsaucy's Money stills we have?
Ooh, good thinking.
(some stills are shown onscreen.)
As you can see here, the Rogue and the Tiger entered their booths of silence and were each asked the same 10 questions.
In this next screen, you can see the Tiger wiping his brow as the grueling test was over, and he had answered only 5.
Here you can see the Rogue struggling to answer a question, which he did in fact get wrong later. He walked out of the booth getting only 3 correct.
Fred Meatnsaucy then slapped the Rogue upside the head and proceeded to peel off $5000 (American!) to give the Tiger.
There's the Tiger doing the "Dirty Bird Dance" to celebrate his victory.
After that, douja entered the set and demanded to be the next one to try his luck at winning Fred Meatnsaucy's Money.
Our last scene is the Rogue and Fred Meatnaucy exchanging glances, with evil smirks on their faces.
And just in time! The cage is done! And what do you know, our competitors are in the cage now!
***bell rings.
Dr. Snare and Dr. Plants are squaring off against each other, in the old collar-and-elbow tie-up. Necro Phil puts Identity Crisis Man in an abdominal stretch. Why is one of the walls plywood? This is supposed to be a steel cage!
Foreman: Budget cuts. Besides, the rest of the cage is aluminum, it ain't steel either.
Oh, for the love of...they can't fire some guys, they resort to plywood/aluminum cages? I think we need to get our priorities in order.
Maybe we can sell Rich da Gay Bartender to da QWF. We could get some good dough fo' a b<-BLEEP->ch like dat.
(crowd cheers at Jamal)
You realize they're only cheering you because you're a face and you actually got to say something, don't you?
Yeh, an' I'm lovin' it! (kisses two fingers and holds them up in a peace sign to great cheers)
Dr. Plants with a short clothesline. He's stomping away and he makes the cover: 1...kickout. Meanwhile, ICM is struggling to get out of the hold.
That Braxton Chane uniform really suits him.
Well, it was Braxton's fault for leaving it behind when he left.
You don't mean...
I know, eh?
What? It was washed...I think. Snare puts on a powerslam. ICM with a dropkick. Snare and the Man Who Would Be Chane attempt to Irish whip their opponents into each other. Success! Double pin: Snare is climbing that aluminum cage. He's almost there. Dr. Plants slams ICM into the cage and Snare topples. He hit the mat hard, but safely, using the soles of his feet for maximum shock absorption.
Is that monitor tuned to NBC, Vince?
Excuse me? I don't have to take that from you. (fiddles with knobs. A shot of someone who looks a lot like Dusty Rhodes, or maybe Harley Race, is replaced by a feed from the Kamera Kid.) Identity Crisis Man working on Dr. Plants now. Plants puts him into a big slam. Necro Phil is side suplexed by Dr. Snare. Dr. Plants attempts a DDT, but Bob appears! He's dressed like Chocolate Thunder, Tejas Ranger!
You know, dose Texas Rangers just keep propagatin' dat stereotype about gay cowboys.
How do you mean?
Y'all ever hear dat theme song? "When yo' in Texas look behind you...'cause dat's where da Ranger's gonna be." Need I say more?

No you don't, because...oh, wait, this show is already rated. Never mind.

Identity Crisis Man and Bob pummelling away on Dr. Plants. Things are looking grim. Necro Phil pulls out a vial! Could we see his Necro Juice in action?
Necro Phil is going over to ICM. But Identity Crisis Man just pushed the vial and Necro takes it right in the face! What is that stuff?
Necro's melting!
Not quite, but he looks in sorry shape. Necro is incapacitated right now and Plants is now in trouble. Doctor Snare is headed for the door...
"Flash" Flanagan wants to see some more, he just closed the door on the Doctor!
Only fitting that nobody leave until we see a finisher.
Snare applies a Snare Slam! And now he's climbing that plywood. Look at him scramble. But wait....the plywood is weakening! It can't hold the weight! With a mighty crash, Snare goes down, but he's escaped the cage!
Here are your winners, Dr. Snare and Identity Crisis Man!
The Ambulance Jockeys are taking Necro Phil away. What's wrong with him, anyway?
Garry Greene: Necro accidentally spilled some Ebola on himself. He'll be fine by next week though. No injuries, no matter how life-threatening they appear, are always quickly fixed by wrestlers. Especially if the angle doesn't seem to go anywhere.
Well well well. Let's go now to the ICCTINACBBIC championship! Très Sheik battles douja.
And we couldn't put this first why?
Ratings, of course. It's all about ratings. If I've learned anything about wrestling, it's that ratings are everything. Making his way to the .... douja, you're supposed to wait for your intro!
douja: Whateva. I'm sick of dis sh<-BLEEP->. Sheik, just getcho a<-BLEEP->ss out here.
His opponent, representing the Rogue's Gallery and from Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, here is TRÈS SHEIK!
("Supermodel" plays as the Sheik enters. He looks ready!)

***bell rings.
douja's just standing there waiting to take a shot! What's going on? Was that belt-in-the-trash thing in earnest?
Sho' looks dat way.
I only wish he wasn't giving up the belt to the Sheik, one of the biggest heels in the STWF.
Très Sheik puts on his Camel Clutch right away!
Ref: Do you submit?
douja: Okay.

Here is your winner, as a result of a submission, and NEEEEEEEEW Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close" belt champion...TRÈS SHEIK!
Thanks, douja, you chump! Just know that we won't remember this little act when you play Win Fred Meatnsaucy's Money next week! Ha-LA!
Well...that certainly shortened things up. Let's go to Hell in the Kitchen!
But first, Let Us Take Y'all Back to earlia tanite when...
Oh Lord, not again! How many times do we need to see Mr. Planters collapse?
Come on! Iss funny, yo!
Sorry, I'm overruling this. I can cut off Chet's feed you know.
This is the Hell in the Kitchen triple-threat handicap food fight match. Entering first, from Las Vegas, Nevada, accompanied by Lenny "the Force" Baxter, the most Satanic baker in the least for this month, who knows who'll show up is...BILLY THE BAKER!
(The Happy Birthday Death March plays. Billy the Baker enters with rolling pin in hand. Lenny is pushing a dessert cart.)
Entering next, from Parts Unknown and frankly let's keep it that way, with a combined weight of...wait, they're women, I'd better not. Here are Muffy and Deloris, the Sisters of the Joint Rosary!
("Jesus Loves Me" played on acoustic guitars wafts through the Chinook Dome. It actually sounds rather pleasant in this glorified igloo. The crowd doesn't know what to think of these girls, but Muffy seems to be garnering a cult following.)
And finally, from Toronto, Ontario, weighing in at 260 lbs., accompanied by nobody, because...well, let's just show you! Let Us Take You....hey, that's my mic! Get your hands...

(Petey starts to speak as he comes down the ring)
Boy, am I glad I brought my own mic. Now, as you all know by now, my manager Mr. Planters has come down with some food poisoning. And I'm sure Billy had NOTHING to do with it. But since this is a handicap match, I've got another guy to help me out. My partner for this match...none other than the MAD COW!
Hey, he found a friend around here after all.
(The Mad Cow enters. Madame Bovine has the large sack of food strapped to her back.)
***bell rings.
The Sisters of the Joint Rosary pull out a bag of Necco wafers!
You sposeta inhale sharply, not yell "gasp". Read it right, oh not at all!
Thass betta.
Just so you know, those were not blessed to become the Eucharist because that would be blasphemous. They're just those wafer things. But man, are they sharp! Billy's hat is torn! And now he's clotheslined with those rosary beads. The ref is warning them that rosary beads aren't food.
Sister Deloris: These are edible rosary beads. Like candy necklaces?
Ref: So they are. Very well.
Petey: Candy necklaces. Why didn't I think of that?

The Mad Cow with a top-rope double axehandle on Sister Muffy. We've got one sister down. Petey goes after Sister Deloris with a custard pie. Right in the face!
(crowd response is piped-in laughter that sounds like an audience taken from the 30s)
Billy the Baker has brownies! And they've got walnuts! This is getting serious.
Hold me?
Of course. (puts on an Asiatic spike)
You two cut that out! Or I'm turning this announcer's booth around and we're going straight home!
He started it.
Did not!
Did too!
Both of you, GET OUT! I've had enough.
(time passes)
Alright! Petey is on the receiving end of a two-nun pounding. The Mad Cow is wearing down Billy with a mustard bottle. Use your imaginations.
I'd rather not. BRAAAAAP!
This is an intriguing match. However, the Young's modulus of the frozen banana really should not be overlooked as a good substance for pressure point application.
Well put, Geek. The sisters are fending off that banana from Petey's banana split and now they're flailing him with their Twizzlers!
This is making me so hungry! I haven't eaten since dinner!
My brother's a dietitian. Would you like his card?
Naw, he'd try and make me cut down.
Billy just put a backbreaker on the Mad Cow: Billy moving over to help Petey take down the Sisters. The Mad Cow consulting with Madame Bovine. He pulls out the peanut M&Ms and starts flicking them.
Billy: Hey! Watch it! That stings! Ow, my eyes!
Petey: Friendly fire, Mad Cow! Hey! Ooch! Ouch! Quit it!
Muffy: Brings back fond memories, doesn't this, Deloris?
Deloris: Quite. We have to remember this for later.

Well, all our competitors are getting exhausted.
I was passing around hints to anyone who'd listen. I know all about the destructive properties of food, and Gary here is living proof.
Watch yer mouth, ya bastud.
Not the collard greens, again, PNG?
Wouldn't be effective in this locale, no.
Billy has just dug out the Maple Crunch cookies! Those things make me so nauseous.
Lenny Baxter: That's because you're not Canadian.
Petey: Yeah. You guys can't appreciate this.
Billy: So much for this strategy.

Billy is cramming those Maple Crunch cookies down the Mad Cow's throat!
Even I have my standards. Those cookies are awful.
The Sisters are choking Petey with those edible rosary beads. Petey is turning purple. He's reaching for his last resort....
(collective gasp from crowd)
It's the most dreaded food weapon known to humankind! And I'm pretty sure Pez warfare was banned by the Geneva convention! Everyone is slowly backing away. Even the Mad Cow and Madame Bovine are looking apprehensive. Petey with that limited-edition Sugarplum Harry Pez dispenser. He cocks the head back...Lenny Baxter tosses in the dessert cart and knocks Petey off balance. Billy has the Pez dispenser! He's shooting off those candy pellets...and he looks right at home, because Pez is just plain evil, as everyone knows. Petey is shielding his eyes, but things are looking bleak.
One last Pez shot right between the eyes puts Petey down. The cover: 1...2...3!
Here is your winner, BILLY THE BAKER!
I'm sure the Mad Cow didn't want to interfere out of fear. I wouldn't even take a Pez in the head for my own mother.
Or Julia Child. BRAAAAP!
I'm ashamed of you both! Edwina would gladly take a Pez for me. And as for me, I'd .... well, it would depend on the circumstances.
Only one match left. The STWF Heavyweight and MBC Psycho Driver belts will be unified, at least temporarily, until that one glorious day when the MBC rises once more to reclaim the belts which the Vegas Connection collected for us. No word yet on its new name, but the term "Doppelcrown" has been tossed around by the Ivory Tower. Let's go to Announcer Lad now.
He's not there. He got into a huff when they took his belt.
Okay, so I guess both teams are coming in without theme music.
I finally spiked the sound system on my laptop, so that's no longer exactly true.
(The Ambulance Jockeys enter to the "Dr. Who" theme song. Lots of boos, and some cheers from the guys who happen to like heels.)
Dr. Who, Geek?
I don't have the theme from ER. Besides, Ron Grainer and the BBC Radiophonic Workshop were geniuses, they oughta be proud.
(The Techie Salesmen from Hell enter to the Intel Inside jingle over and over again. More cheers for the nerds.)
***bell rings.
Alright, it's the Ambulance Jockeys. It's the Techie Salesmen from Hell. It's champions vs. champions, And it's STWF! And sort of MBC.
Garry taking some big right hands from Bait. Belly-to-belly by Bait. Early cover: 1...kickout. No dice.
You guys are pretty dumb for smart guys.
You watch it, Gourmando. I know you bought a Pentium III, I made sure there was a privacy issue for just such an occasion.
Pentium III? I thought it was a microwave.
Bait tags in Switch. Spike powerbomb by the Techies. Garry Greene could be in trouble. Switch with an Irish-whip. No, it's reversed and Barry is tagged in.

The remainder of this program has been rated TV-M because I read the script and know what's coming up.

Barry doing a number on Switch. Samoan drop!
We could use some Samoans to show us how it's really done.
I beg your pardon, Gary?
I said, "yeah".
I see. Barry applies a waistlock. Switch with a standing switch. Barry replies with a snapmare takeover. Reverse chinlock is applied. The hold is broken in five seconds.
Good. Can't stand to see them take long.
Switch pushes his spectacles further up his nose...
You know what THAT means...
That they were slipping?
No! It's the sign for the Millennium Crash! We just invented this sign three days ago!
And we were supposed to know this how?
By my leading phrase! Must I spell out everything? Superior intellect can be such a burden sometimes.
Switch has Barry up...the standing elevator slide is about to be applied...but wait! He just dropped Barry and went to the outside to see Nurse Heidi. She's got the latest copy of Hardcore(TM) magazine! She did a photo spread last month, so pick up your copy today! ... If you're over 18. Switch looks mighty interested.
The Hardcore Online website is so inefficient. They really should have hired us to work on it. I mean, who uses FRAMES when guys want easy access to pictures?
Sounds like you know a little too much about this stuff, Geek. Wait 'till Edwina hears about this...
Barry Brown nails Switch in the back of the head with an IV bag and rolls him up! 1....2....3! We have new champions.
(riffling through pages) This match was supposed to go another 10 minutes!
Yeah, well, the Chinook Dome was double-booked. We have to get out before the Yakuza "family reunion" gets here.
Enough said. Wrap this up, Angus!
For the Pencil-Necked Geek and Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, keep your pants off!
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre