Last Monday of the Year? Maybe...
(New intro. Hokey rock theme music begins to start the show, and shots of
various superstars in action. Half of them no longer work for the company.
The intro ends. Pan interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. The pyro guys with
sparklers and flare guns show their stuff. Violent Vinnie
Mansbridge and Pigeon are sitting in the front row, looking apathetic, with a sign
in front of them reading "Hurry Up DK".)
Hello everyone, and WELCOME to Monday Nae Trous! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, along with
Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa. And WE'RE NOT WEARING PANTS!
You haven't said that in ages. Everything old is new again.
Hey, it's true, though. With my kilt, your superhero tights and Jamal's loincloth, we're not.
So, what up fo' tanite, V?
Good ask! We're going to start things off with a great match, in my opinion.
The Redeemer is going to battle Chocolate Thunder. Apparently, Thunder wasn't impressed
with the Redeemer's tactics on Marshall Madd...
That was da bit wit' five minutes of crowdshots on TV, right?
That's right.
I missed it - I was watchin' at home. What happened, anyway?
Trust me, you REALLY had to be there.
This contest is scheduled for one fall. Entering the ring first, from Austin, Texas
and weighing 325 lbs., representing Marshall Law, CHOCOLATE THUNDER!
("King of Pain" by the Police plays as Señora Fajardo brings Chocolate Thunder to the ring.)
And his opponent, from Springfield, Illinois, weighing 285 lbs. and accompanied by Vyrus,
THE REDEEMER!
("The Bells of St. Mary's" rings out as the Redeemer brings out a big cross and a zoned-out Vyrus.)
All dis about crosses...ya think he took a tip from Kimbo?
Oh please, Kimbo? He made one appearance here and collapsed under the weight of the big cross he
brought. He deserves to be back in those Penultimate Fighting Championships.
Still looks cool.
The Redeemer and Chocolate Thunder lock up. Redeemer with a chickenwing. He sweeps the leg and
down goes Thunder. Thunder reaches the ropes and both men up. Thunder with an elbow. Thunder whips
the Redeemer off the ropes. The Redeemer ducks, and spinning heel kick! Chocolate Thunder was caught completely off guard.
So was I. A big guy like the Redeemer shouldn't be moving that fast.
Chocolate Thunder staggers up. Clothesline by Thunder. He legdrops and covers: 1...2...no.
The Redeemer is up once more. He grabs Chocolate Thunder for a side slam. He covers: 1...2...kickout by Choco.
Choco? Rhymes with Socko?
Hey, it's not a bad abbreviation. If I keep it up, he'll be using it to refer to himself. Ask the knight in latex armor.
Choco is up and he slaps on a reverse DDT! A lazy cover: 1...and kickout. Thunder grabs the Redeemer by the mask to pull him up.
Both men in a tie up. The Redeemer with a belly-to-belly! He goes to the top rope...flying elbowdrop! He covers: 1...2...and the Redeemer
pulls Choco up himself! What a show of arrogance. It very well could backfire. The Redeemer now, his finisher, a crucifix!
Of course.
The cover: 1...2...3! The Redeemer finally successful here. But he's not done of course. He grabs his cross and starts
slamming Chocolate Thunder with it!
Here comes Friar "Buck". Wonda what he wants.
Perhaps he's upset that someone besides him is using religious imagery.
The Friar has his own cross. And he's hitting Choco with it too! Both men beating Thunder with the cross. Have we seen a new alliance?
"Buck" leaves, and the Redeemer continues. Marshall Law is coming out! Braxton Chane runs off to chase the Friar while the other two advance
on the Redeemer. And the Redeemer grabs Vyrus to exit through the crowd. Choco is helped away by his stablemates.
What an exciting way to start the program!
I'll say.
So whuz next?
It's Luke Warm vs. Sir Hungalot.
They're really throwing him into the deep end to see if he can swim, aren't they?
The Ivory Tower apparently has high hopes for him. We'll see.
This contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way first, one-half of the Unlikely Alliance,
weighing 250 lbs., SIR HUNGALOT!
("Love Roller Coaster" plays as he enters to a small pop.)
What happened? He useta be popular!
That's what happens when tag wrestlers try singles competition.
That doesn't make sense. The Violent Pacifist is the other half of this team and...oh, maybe the VP is taking all the glory?
Don't cause rifts between the Unlikely Alliance.
And his opponent, from Bumbledink, Texas and weighing 255 lbs., LUKE WARM!
(Stuff breaking permeates the air. The audience gives an equally small pop, but he's new yet.)
The ref checking the boots, and the...
***bell rings.
Luke Warm with a hiptoss. And now he...somersaults on his opponent.
Kind of like a very weak back splash from the floor.
Thass almost as bad as an ab rake.
It's still putting pressure on a fallen body. Give him some credit, he's new at this and afraid of girls
for Pete's sake.
That's besides the point.
Sir Hungalot is up and he levels Luke with a big clothesline. He goes to the top rope...the high-rent district, if you will,
for a high-risk maneuver. Shooting star press...Luke rolls out of the way.
Don't call 'em high-risk for nuttin'.
Luke legdrops Big Sir on the back of the head. He rolls him over for a cover: 1...kickout. Luke bounces off the ropes. Falling headbutt
by Luke Warm. Another cover: 1...2...no. Big Sir is up. Back kick by the knight in latex armor. He applies a jawbreaker.
And now a spinebuster slam! 1...2...Luke kicks out.
Nice back-and-forth action here tonight on Monday Nae Trous.
It betta be good, we pre-empted the next two weeks fo' WNHL hockey! I love those hoes on ice.
]]]The following program has just been rated "TV-14" for mature content. So you kids, go to bed, but bug
your parents for some STWF action figures first.[[[
What the hell? Jamal, you can't say that. Besides, a lot of the WNHL stars are lesbians. If you want to see REAL hoes on ice, you have to look for figure skating.
]]]Did we say TV-14? We meant TV-M.[[[
Okay, fine, while I'm the voice of reason here, Luke Warm with a reverse atomic drop on Sir Hungalot - right in his
power center. Or so he says. Luke Warm is going for the Stonecutter after weakening Big Sir...he lands it! I still don't know why that move is effective.
Is it like a Vulcan nerve pinch or something?
Yes. Yes it is. Luke Warm hooks the leg: 1...2...3!
Here is your winner: LUKE WARM!
Luke going to the vendor to pick up a Yoo-Hoo. The vendor complies...and then smashes the bottle right over Luke's head!
Wait a minute, that vendor is Colonel "Pops" Khorne! He must be on vending duty tonight. I can't believe that. Why would the Rogue's Gallery
have a problem with Luke? Or specifically, why the Colonel? He runs off. Luke eventually gets up and leaves with some assistance from ringside security.
He holds up his "double thumbs-up" and the crowd pops a bit more.
I can't believe it. I just can't!
We have to take a small break. We have some wrestler previews to look at!
He's 6 feet and 11 inches of cold-hearted man.
He's 340 pounds of utter remorselessness and uncaring.
He's one of the most hotly-anticipated wrestlers, saying little and yet stirring up emotions.
He's the master of pain from Kiev, Ukraine, and he wants to clean house.
He's Sergeant Genocide, and he's coming soon to the STWF.
(A hospital. It's the graveyard shift - 3:30 am. Two paramedics are sitting and talking.)
Medic 1: You know Barry, don't you ever get sick of this EMT sh<-BLEEP->? I got crapped
on by an old lady and then she tried to tell me she was going to sue me
because she thinks I meant to rub her breast while loading her onto the
gurney. She's 67 years old with a diaper full of poop and she thinks I'm
copping a feel? All this for $9.50 an hour. This sucks!
Barry: Yeah Garry, some baby yakked in my face and I think I swallowed some
of it. Then his mother said I MADE him puke, and the wait in the ER waiting
room was way too long and that we should have seen her little brat
sooner. Of course SHE didn't know about the two chest pain patients we had.
I wanted to slap that b<-BLEEP->ch. I don't know how much longer I can do
this for this sh<-BLEEP->y pay.
Garry: I know, man. But you know, I heard that pro wrestlers can make up to 500k to
700k per year, more or less. We're pretty stout dudes. I bet we could make even more than
that.
Barry: You think?
(a nurse walks in.)
Nurse: I heard what you guys were saying. Do wrestlers really make that
much? You guys will need a valet - all good teams need a valet.
(Nurse Heidi to herself, with cheap voiceover: Since I didn't get the Head Nurse Job, I'll
show all these b<-BLEEP->ches in this hospital a thing or two when I make more
money than all of them. And when I'm rich and famous, I'm sure Dr. M. Plants
the Plastic Surgeon will never forgive himself for turning me down and
will beg for me to give him another try.)
Garry: Yeah Nurse Heidi, you can be our valet. You've been giving us orders
for years - it's natural for you to lead us to the ring.
(Garry to self: ...and when I win a title Nurse Heidi will have no choice but to fall in love
with me. It's every Medics' dream to date a Nurse. She WILL be mine.)
Barry: Let's do this- I can't wait to win the tag-team titles.
(Barry to self: ...and when I score the winning pinfall to capture the gold belts, I'll
melt them down to make Nurse Heidi the biggest gold watch she's ever seen.
She'll fall in love with me and instead of thinking about her when I'm in
the bathroom, I'll finally have the real thing.)
Heidi: Start the ambulance, boys, and forget about these patients. None of them
appreciate us anyway. We're outta here.
The Ambulance Jockeys and Nurse Heidi leave work- still in uniform- and
head out in their ambulance in search of their dream. To be continued...
Boy, that just seemed to go on forever, didn't it? Still, I don't know what it has to do with us.
It's obvious they've signed a contract, stupid, otherwise they wouldn't be shown here.
I don't see that. That skit didn't show them signing a contract. It just showed them lookin' for
wrestlin' employment.
I'm afraid I'm going to agree with Jamal on this one.
Since when did I become the straight man? Fine, we can do this. Next, Plemmy fights Arnold.
An interesting contest to say the least. Arnold is in the ring, with Grampa at ringside.
And his opponent, from Kryptopolis, Mississippi, weighing 265 lbs., PLEMMY THE DEMONIC CLOWN!
("Send in the Clowns", instrumental version, plays as the orange-haired Plemmy walks to the ring. His clown shoes squeak
with every second step. A few boos for Plemmy.)
Plemmy: I see I can't wrestle SuperWrestler tonight. He's not here. He's too chicken! I'll see you at the Brawl,
and then you'll be sorry we ever met! Heeheeheeheeheehee...
***bell rings.
Alright, Plemmy locking up with the larger Arnold. Plemmy with a belly-to-belly. Now he's just stomping away
at Arnold. No technical skill present in Plemmy.
It takes SOME skill to pull off a belly-to-belly.
Quiet, you, you, color commentator you! Plemmy grinding at Arnold's masked ear with his fist,
he's trying to cauliflower it up. And now a series of slaps. The ref is warning Plemmy, but Plemmy just giggles.
I swear I t'ink I seen dis Plemmy somewhere befo'.
It's that whole "demonic clown in another fed" thing.
No, iss not dat. Iss somewhere else. I'll figger it out soon.
Arnold putting up very little offense here, and not too much defense either I might add.
Plemmy with an avalanche on Arnold! He pulls up Arnold by the mask. And now he's setting up for his big finisher!
The Punch of Villainy!
It's another Greco-Roman punch to the mouth. The Punch of Villainy is exactly the same as the Punch of Justice! What an
insult to SuperWrestler, that the same finisher can be used for good and evil.
Plemmy makes the cover: 1...2...3! Plemmy victorious in his debut.
Here is your winner, PLEMMY THE DEMONIC CLOWN!
Plemmy going back to the locker room to look for SuperWrestler. At least, that's how it appears by the way he's calling his name.
Thanks for doing play-by-play, Cap, I needed the rest. Okay, here's our next match.
It's called a "useless time-filling three-way dog's-breakfast match". Dr. Snare, Braxton Chane and Très Sheik
will be in the ring all at the same time. And no, the ICCTINACBBIC belt is NOT on the line, there's plenty of time for that at the Brawl.
All three men are in the ring, looking very apathetic indeed.
***bell rings.
The first pinfall will count, so it's not exactly a true triangle match. Dr. Snare clunks his opponent's heads together just like Moe!
Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
That's enough out of you. Snare with a double-dropkick! He pins Sheik: 1...2...Chane makes the save. The Enforcer is up and he gives the Exorbitant
Arab a vertical suplex. He pins the Sheik: 1...2...Snare makes the save.
The excitement is killing me. *YAWN*
Snare and Braxton Chane are tangling now. Armdrag takedown by the Doctor. Très Sheik comes in with a forearm shiver! He covers Braxton Chane:
1...2...Snare makes another save and tries to cover the Enforcer: 1...2...Sheik makes the save.
Is this what we have to expect the whole match? Covers and saves by the third guy?
Yes. That's exactly how every single three-way match is supposed to happen. It's in the STWF Guidelines and Practices.
Let me see that book. Hey, this is the WWF Guidelines and Practices! No wonder the Redeemer is using that cross.
Okay, then we've just got to change the practices. Dr. Snare throws Très Sheik out of the ring and puts the Snare Slam on Braxton Chane! 1...2...3!
It's over, people!
Here is your winner, Dr. SNARE!
Braxton Chane: That's it! I'm going to have to take you in.
Snare: WHAT?!
Assault, and practicing medicine without a license. I'm sure I can fit malpractice in there somewhere.
Snare: Doctor is just a name. Besides, I'm licensed by the Trinidad and Tobago Medical board just in case! Assault? You're in wrestling, that's what they do!
Enforcer: Perhaps. We'll see. I'm just doing what's right. Come with me. You have the right to remain silent...
I think Braxton Chane has finally snapped.
Très Sheik nails both men from behind! The brawl continues all the way back to the locker room.
When they said useless, they wasn't kidding.
Jeffrey Steingold and Tyrone Mayhem to fight up next.
Wait, aren't they already fighting at the Brawl?
Yes, but this will make a nice preview match.
Preview match? People won't be as likely to order the Brawl if we give stuff like that away!
Yes they will. They're not paying to see Steingold/Mayhem, they're paying to see 75 men beat each other up with weapons!
I already got CNN.
(Both men turn to glare at Jamal.)
What?
I'm putting a stop to THIS!
You're just afraid that your OBN compatriot is going to get injured before the Brawl, aren't you?
Well, he IS fragile and...wait, no it's not! Give me that phone.
Well, we need to fill SOME time here. We'll skip right to the main event. Bohemoth and Murtough will fight,
in another of the unending feud matches.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way to the ring, BILL MURTOUGH!
You know who he is, I won't explain him further.
(Murtough enters to his theme music. If you don't know what it is, tough.)
And next up, BOHEMOTH!
(Bohemoth enters to his theme.)
Announcer Lad is getting tired I think. Or he's drunk.
***bell rings.
Oh, absolutely, Mr. Right Hand Man. People WANT to find out if Irving Goldstein may or may not
have to face his own brother in an upcoming match. So we're in agreement, then? Excellent. Thanks kindly, you're a gentleman and a scholar. (Hangs up)
Got yer wish, huh?
Yessir.
Bohemoth starts things off with a BIG German suplex. And an elbowdrop! He misses the legdrop.
Murtough up, and he's chopping away at the cornered Bohemoth. He just lowblowed the coal miner now! What dirty tactics.
He's dragging Bohemoth away from the corner and puts on a camel clutch. Bohemoth stands up, surprisingly. Roughrider switches it
up into a sleeper.
Good work by Bill Murtough; he's thinking on his feet.
Bohemoth dipping and swaying. The arm is lifted once....twice....Bohemoth is still conscious.
He looks like he trippin'.
Perhaps it's a medication flashback. He's attacking something that isn't even there! Murtough with an inside cradle: 1...2...Bohemoth kicks out.
Bohemoth goes outside and Roughrider follows. Bohemoth with that white cane, he crunches it over Murtough's head!
Oh, right, the white cane. I forgot about his half-blindness.
Well, when you're 490 lbs. and as talented as Bohemoth, it's easy to forget. He certainly is a tremendous athlete for his
disability. What do you think?
Vinnie: I'll give her a ten.
(Security quickly escorts Vinnie away from the announcer's booth.)
And I don't think I'll ever ask "what do you think?" openly again. The cowboy and the coal miner are mixing it up outside. But wait,
what that sound? Sounds like a truck rolling in.
Check it out! Iss Homicidal Hank!
He's driving a flat-bed pick-up. But right now he's only on the Monstron so it'll take some time for him to get here.
Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. Would a Mr. Pigeon please come to the main office. Der Kommissaar has decided to sign
your contract.
Look at Pigeon at ringside! He's ecstatic and rubbing it in Vinnie Mansbridge's face. He jumps into the aisle and runs up it.
CRUNCH!
He really should have looked for the pick-up. Clean-up in aisle 2!
Hank is making his way to ringside in the pick-up and look at all the junk he's got on the hood! A Viking helmet, a bar door...
PunkMe PayMe...
So THAT'S who it is. I was wondering. Thanks, Jamal. Hank jumps out and starts attacking Bill as well.
Bohemoth powerbombs Roughrider on the hood of the truck!
PunkMe PayMe: OW! Watch it, guy on the hood. I'll want compensation for that.
The rest of Marshall Law and the Total Annihilation Squad are coming! They're ganging up on Bohemoth now.
In response, the entire Asylum Alliance is showing up! And there's the Inner Circle! And the Hubcap Gang?
It's turnin' into a 'Blivion Brawl right here!
I need to make another call. Besides, I'M in the Brawl too! And I'll make it the gladiatorial contest it should be.
I'm not. I'm commentatin' that night. Care to show me what number you drew?
Might as well. Here's my Kinder surprise egg. I never opened it.
(looks inside) Pfffffff! HAHAHAHA! You got numba one!
Oh, very funny. Let me see that. (looks at it) NOOOOOO! OH, FFFFF<-BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP->
Dude, neva seen you like DAT befo'.
They're all piling in! There's the Rogue's Gallery now! And a bunch of independents. And who's that? And....
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre