(Pan Interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. Signs aplenty, including "Who let the newbies in?", "OBN 4-What's-left-of-your-Life" and
Violent Vinnie Mansbridge is holding a sign reading "Sign Me DK".)
Can You Believe There are 45 of these things?
Welcome everyone to Monday Nae Trous! And our insanely action-packed forty-fifth episode!
I'm here along with Captain Twilight of the under-construction Old Boys' Network, and the ever unpopular
Jamal Tupac Mustafa.
Watch it, V. I ain't THAT unpopular.
Whatever. An action packed show tonight. Among other things, the North American title will be defended,
and we'll see an AXE match! That's right. But let's kick things off with a great grudge match.
Sugarplum Harry will be taking on Harlequin from Hell and StreetMime in a handicap encounter.
You can say that again. Having StreetMime as a tag partner is the biggest handicap
I can think of.
Sigh...on that note, let's take it to Announcer Lad.
This handicap contest is set for one fall. First, from Toadstool, Arizona
and weighing in at 385 lbs., SUGARPLUM HARRY!
("Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies" on a tuba brings Harry to the ring, accompanied by his small clay golems.)
And his opponents, with a total combined weight of 407 lbs., accompanied by Glitter, HARLEQUIN FROM HELL, and former STWF
Heavyweight champion, StreetMime!
(The theme from CHiPS plays. Harlequin enters first, and right behind is StreetMime holding a blank sign.)
StreetMime has opted to begin the match with Harry. Sugarplum Harry clotheslines StreetMime brutally. He picks up the mime with one hand
and slams him to the mat. He bounces off the ropes twice, and a big splash from the Pixie King.
Nice ta see StreetMime ain't changed much.
He's as pathetic as ever.
But wait, BILL has yet to make an appearance tonight.
Quiet! I like BILL. Harry applies a Russian legsweep and covers: 1...2...and Harlequin makes the save. Good thing, because
it's a good bet StreetMime was a goner. The mime gets just enough juice to tag in the overpriced Renfest vendor.
About time we get the meaningful bit in da match.
I think so too. Harlequin with a dropkick that doesn't budge the big man in the tutu.
Harlequin with a double-leg takedown. He drives his bony knees hard into Sugarplum Harry's ample midsection.
Harry looks a little uneasy right now. Harlequin jumps to the top rope, Asai Moonsault onto Harry! He covers 1...2...no.
That was close.
And when was the last time we saw an Asai moonsault pulled off like that?
Sugarplum Harry whips Harlequin to the turnbuckle...will we see an avalanche? Harlequin ducks out of the way, inside cradle as
Harry hits the ringpost, 1...kickout. The crowd groans.
Is StreetMime tryin' ta work the crowd again?
Please, Jamal, a little respect for the mime. Harlequin with some useless legdrops to fill time. He picks up the Pixie King
and gives him a bicycle kick - I thought you could only do that in video games.
You learn something new every day, Angus.
Harry looking dazed. There's a scene on the outside. StreetMime is shoving Glitter around. Why would he do that?! Harry is distracted.
Harlequin wastes no time...he's giving him the Full Nelson with his legs! Those are some powerful legs the vendor has.
The golems are trying to make a run-in, but to no avail. StreetMime and Glitter pick them up.
It's not difficult; those things are just four feet tall, but incredibly strong for their size.
The golems are breaking free, but Harry has already submitted!
Still don't explain why da mime pushed Glitter around.
Obviously it was just a ruse to distract Harry.
Here are your winners, HARLEQUIN FROM HELL AND STREETMIME!
Harlequin successful, with no real help from the mime. Who knows where his career will go from here. But now we have to see a debut match.
This better be good. Our line-up isn't bad, it just better not be mucked up by a crummy squash match.
Now now, all rookies need to make their debuts by beating jobbers. Unless of course they're fighting other rookies. I think it's somewhere in the
STWF Code of Standards and Practices. But now we'll see the wrestler known as Mittens...as he takes on BILL.
I'll go out on a limb and predict dat Mittens'll take it.
How is that going out on a limb?
I ain't neva seen Mittens in action.
You set yourself up for that one, Vince.
I know, I know.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way down the aisle, representing the Asylum Alliance (sort of...), from Springfield, Illinois
and weighing 244 lbs., BILL!
(The 1812 Overture plays. BILL walks slowly down the aisle, stopping at many places to make triumphant poses.)
And his opponent, accompanied by Grampa, from Portland, Oregon and weighing 452 big pounds, MITTENS!
("Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" plays. Grampa walks shakily to the ring, and the massive Mittens waddles behind. The expression on Mittens' face is
a combination of wonder, innocence and ignorance... he looks like someone put a child into an adult's body.)
This Mittens...what do you know about him, Cap?
I was talking to Grampa (well, recruiting for the OBN anyway), and he tells me Mittens
is just a sensitive man, if not quite mature mentally.
Yo, for Captain Twilight, actin' like 65 isn't mature.
BILL has no idea what to think of Mittens. He just stands and gapes upward at the massive 7'2" frame standing before him.
Mittens holds out a red-mittened hand to shake. Awww, isn't that cute?
Yo, less all remember Sally Sleepy-Time. Actin' cute ain't necessarily a good thing.
BILL is balking. He's shaking his head - he doesn't fully trust Mittens, and why should he? Mittens is new here and who knows what
he's going to do.
Mittens didn't like the fact that BILL didn't return the handshake. His face darkens.
Mittens with a huge red boot to the midsection. BILL drops to his knees, clutching his chest. Mittens pulls up BILL by the hair and spins him around.
The propeller on Mittens' beanie is spinning too! Isn't that cute?
Damn it, stop calling Mittens cute! I happen to agree with Jamal that this man is potentially dangerous,
and probably black-hearted to boot.
But the propeller...it's spinning. You have no souls. The ref is trying to warn Mittens about the hair pulls, but he can't get a safe distance.
BILL flies through the air, accompanied by a huge ripping sound. I hope that's not what I think it is.
Yup, he got a nice chunka hair ripped out.
Okay, so maybe Mittens is dangerous. BILL on the ringfloor now. Grampa is right there. he gives BILL a nice crack on the head with his metal walking stick and throws him back
in the ring. Mittens picks him up for a huge powerslam! BILL is not enjoying this, it's obvious.
Really? What was your first clue?
Mittens sits on BILL. BILL probably suffering some cracked ribs by that. Will Mittens give his finisher - the Glove?
I think so...he's pulling on BILL's leg! A legbar submission, executed nicely by the big man. BILL can't take any more.
He gives up almost immediately.
Here is your winner, MITTENS!
My, that didn't take long.
It's not the time of the match, it's the quality of the moves within.
An' what moves would those be?
Shut up, both of you. It was an impressive debut and let's leave it at that.
We'll be right back, but once we return it's onto tag team action as Vyrus and NiGhtMare take on Irving Goldstein and a "mystery" partner.
Ooh, mystery partner. Who do you think it'll be, Captain Twilight?
I don't know, some football player? Doug Flutie.
Yo, Bohemoth sounds like a good bet.
That's possible. Okay, folks, don't touch that Dial, that soap smells awful. Ha ha! Just kidding.
Stay tuned, we'll be right back.
This episode of Monday Nae Trous is brought to you by the Albatross Brothers Gaming Corporation, who present
their newest video game, STWF vs. CSTLL Revenge. Yes, see some deported luchadores
back in action as they take on the STWF's best and brightest! They're all here. El Spheros, Pepe the Mexican Midget, José and Julio of
Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos, Rrraoul Rrramon Rrramirez, Tortilla Tito and even Pedro Chang. Can the STWF team defeat El Presidente's evil forces and
quell their need for Revenge? That's STWF vs. CSTLL Revenge by the Albatross Brothers Gaming Corporation. ¡VIVA!
The Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl is inching ever closer. Guys, I'm serious, think up some cool weapons soon, because if you don't send them in by the time it happens,
you'll get stuck with garden implements. That's not a threat, that's a promise. And don't forget to spread the word, because we want this puppy to be HUGE! I'm hoping
for bigger than last year's. That's the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl. Coming soon!
(a biege screen is shown with a crude drawing of a decrepit house. Some whiney-voiced male is singing a voice-over.)
Is an old and haunted-looking house
With two drifters in the yard
Their corpses have gone hard
But disposing of them is an easy thing to dooooo.....
I'll light the fire
While you put the bodies in the ditch
That you dug
(crackling is heard, then a pop. Static appears.)
What was that last commercial about? Does anybody know?
Don't ask me. I remember the days when jingles...
Yes, you've already told us that, Captain. But where are those Meatnsaucy commercials? We get a lot of money
from those. We can't subsist on meager contributions from the Albatross Brothers forever. But we can't worry now,
it's time for the tag team event! Vyrus and NiGhtMare are warming up in the ring and waiting for Irving Goldstein.
And their opponents, first, from Brooklyn, New York and weighing 115 lbs., here is IRVING GOLDSTEIN!
(The taped chants of "Goldstein, Goldstein" start. The shirtless old Jewish guy comes out. He sticks out his tongue and shrugs...then
pulls a hair off his tongue and makes a disgusted face.)
Goldstein: Oy vey! You faygalas are in for such the beating, because my mystery partner is none other
than my own long-lost BROTHER! Welcome Jeffrey Steingold!
("The Dreidel Song" plays as another old Jewish guy appears. He looks somewhat similar to Goldstein, and has
a long forking beard.)
The OBN expands! Ha ha, take THAT, you whipper-snappers!
You knew about this, didn't you? And how old is this Steingold?
88. I'm feeling younger all the time.
The NiGhtMare is going to start off with the newcomer Jeffrey Steingold. NM is completely manhandling the younger half
of the OBN tag team. Hey Cap, have these two decided on a name yet?
They're to be known as the Chosen Ones.
That's a little cocky for a tag team name, isn't it? Don't answer that. Jeffrey Steingold with a shoulderblock. NM moves about four inches.
NiGhtMare with a big kneelift!
Lookit dat geezer fly!
NiGhtMare with a neckbreaker. He covers: 1...2...Steingold just gets a shoulder up. NM tags in Vyrus, and Steingold starts begging off! Vyrus isn't heeding the pleas.
He comes in closer and picks up Steingold by the beard. Oh no, Jeffrey Steingold just poked Vyrus in the eyes!
Heh heh, I taught him that, you know.
And you ain't gonna say where you stole it from?
Steingold tags in Goldstein, and the more experienced member of the Chosen Ones comes in. He's like a house of fire. He hits Vyrus with an earringer.
That must be all the more effective with all of Vyrus' earrings. Vyrus gaining the upper hand now, he puts Goldstein in a belly-to-belly suplex. He covers: 1...2...kickout by
Irving. Vyrus with a legdrop. He covers again: 1...2...same effect. He's going to the top rope...he's lifting his arms in the air...
it looks like a flying elbowdrop...Goldstein moved out of the way!
He wasted too much time. I guess if there's one thing we older fellows know, it's that time is one of the few things you shouldn't waste.
Oh, really? Can you name some of the things you should?
Don't make me come over there.
Irving Goldstein stomping away at Vyrus with those wingtips...I can't believe I'm even calling this match. Goldstein hooks the leg...1...2...kickout.
Goldstein now picks up Vyrus. Cranial kick by Goldstein. Vyrus just shakes it off and slams Irving to the canvas.
Yo, check it, here comes the Terror.
Things just got more difficult for the Chosen Ones. Terror is talking to NiGhtMare on the outside - they must be hatching a plan. Vyrus whips Goldstein to the ropes. Jack Daniels
(no relation) pulls down the top rope. Look at that geezer tumble to the outside!
I think dat was my line, V.
You're right, sorry. Goldstein taking a terrific pounding on the outside from all men involved. Even the Mistress is getting in on the action.
That's no way to respect your elders! Excuse me a moment.
Captain, get back here! It's no use. Jeffrey Steingold and Captain Twilight are trying to help Goldstein. NM is holding up Irving Goldstein...the Terror has a bedpan,
how ironic! The Terror makes a move to hit Goldstein. Oh no, Irving Goldstein just dodged the blow and the NiGhtMare on the receiving end of a bedpan!
I don't like how that sounded, V.
You're right, neither did I. Jeffrey Steingold rolls him in the ring and covers: 1...2...3! I don't believe it, the Chosen Ones win!
Uh, V? The legal men were Vyrus and Goldstein. Neitha man was legal!
The ref doesn't seem to care. He is awarding this match to the Chosen Ones. I guess Vyrus and the NiGhtMare won't be too happy, either. They're arguing with the ref.
Now NM is arguing with Terror! It is his fault, after all.
Ah, all is right with the world once more.
I'll bet it is, Twilight. Well, we've got a real treat this week, folks. Our first-ever AXE match in the STWF, as lumberjack Buzz Redwood
takes on "Roughrider" Bill Murtough. This could get gruesome, so kids, go watch something wholesome. I think "Benny Hill" reruns are on or something.
This contest is an axe match, and is set for one fall. Making his way to the ring first, from Victoria, British Columbia,
weighing 261 lbs., here is BUZZ REDWOOD!
(The music begins...
He's a MAAAAAAAAAAN....
Such a maa-haa-haaan....(such a MAN)
(sound of vinyl scratching, followed by "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm OK" playing. Redwood comes to the ring with his big axe. Many boos.)
It seems Vic the Sound Guy kind of got his wires crossed there. Buzz with a really big axe!
It ain't the size of the axe, it's how ya swing it.
And his opponent, from Lubbock Texas and weighing 330 lbs., here is "ROUGHRIDER" BILL MURTOUGH!
("Thunder Rolls" is keyed. Some guy outside who owns the new '99 Subaru Thunder Rolls is going to be pretty angry when he
sees what's happened to his sport utility vehicle. Roughrider enters to a decent pop.)
Bill Murtough is really winning those fans over. And his axe is comparable to Redwood's.
I don't see many technical moves happening in this match. Redwood swings. Murtough ducks, that was close. Buzz Redwood with a backswing, Roughrider's shirtsleeve just got torn,
but luckily no skin was broken. Bill Murtough jabs the blunt end of the axe in Redwood's gut. Now he gives him a kick, right in the breadbasket!
Breadbasket? I haven't heard that word used in ages.
I'm trying to expand my repertoire. Buzz being whacked around with the axe handle. Why isn't Murtough trying to draw blood? The Roughrider now heaves his axe and it sticks up in the
middle of the ring. What's he planning to do? Buzz is trying to dislodge the other axe but he can't do it.
This match was supposeta be straightforward, V. Swing, hit, miss, blood, extended fan shots.
It sure seemed that way, but there's always ways to make it more complex. Redwood finally slices Murtough in the leg! Murtough is ticked off at that!
If he's ticked off at that, we'll remind him not to book a match with "Black" Jack Dealer. Stupid razorcards are nothing but trouble.
Both men struggling for the available axe. Redwood isn't letting go. He's trying to slice a hand but can't get the leverage. Roughrider kicks Buzz in the knee,
and he gets the axe! Now he sticks that one in the mat too? I don't get it.
I think I see what's going on.
Murtough with a flurry of rights and lefts. Buzz Redwood valiantly trying to fight back but to no avail. Murtough has Buzz by the neck! He lifts him up...
the Texas Tornado time! Wait...those axes sticking out of the mats....you don't think he intends to...no, he couldn't...could he?
Look at Redwood's eyes, yo! They stickin' right outta they sockets.
Your English is still terrible, Jamal. Buzz closing his eyes and muttering a silent prayer as he lands...between the axes. Roughrider holds his belly and gives a mighty laugh.
A remarkable sense of humour.
Roughrider picks up Redwood again...Buzz is spun around for a second Texas Tornado...and again, between the axes! Buzz is scared witless, and I'm sure Bill Murtough could
cover him easily by now. But again, Buzz is picked up. Buzz Redwood is asking the ref to sound the bell! That's it.
Here is your winner, as a result of a submission, "ROUGHRIDER" BILL MURTOUGH!
Murtough dislodges both axes and swings them around, to the crowd's approval. He makes his way back to the locker room, and it's time for the main event!
This contest is for the North American Championship, and is set for one fall. Making his way first, the challenger,
accompanied by Sir Hungalot and weighing 330 lbs., THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
("Closer by Nine Inch Nails plays. Good crowd pop.)
And his opponent, the champion, representing the Inner Circle and weighing 253 lbs., from Richmond, Virginia, THE TIGER!
("Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays. The Tiger slaps a few hands on the way down. He slips and winds up slapping
Violent Vinnie Mansbridge upside the head...or did he do it on purpose?)
Violent Vinnie Mansbridge: GET BACK HERE! You can't treat my like this, I'm from Pittsburgh! I'll take you DOWN!
Oh Lord, not another Pittsburgher.
This could be interesting. The Violent Pacifist is certainly due for a shot, but can he beat the impressive Tiger? This guy can wrestle.
The Tiger as if to prove my point gives the VP a hiptoss and now he's pulling the Pacifist's arms back, with a knee right in the back.
Violent Pacifist: Ahhhh...now THAT'S a stretch. Put your knee a bit higher, would you?
The Tiger gives up the hold in frustration. He tries for a vertical suplex...but the VP isn't going for it. Tiger is up in vertical suplex position now...
the Pacifist can't hold it, the Tiger falls on the VP: 1...kickout. The Pacifist dropkicks the Tiger into the buckle. He stands on the middle rope and starts a series of punches...
Audience: ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE! Ohhhhhh.....
The Tiger just gave the Violent Pacifist a low blow, and boy is the Pacifist feeling that one. The Tiger from the top rope where he was...flying fistdrop.
He covers: 1...2...no! VP out in the nick of time.
A match with fast-paced action from the start? What's next?
The end of the show, actually. Unless the Rogue's Gallery shows up. But I think they're still sulking about the Hubcap Gang stealing their thunder.
The Violent Pacifist with a back brain kick. He pulls down the Tiger and covers. 1...2...kickout by the champion. The Tiger whips the Violent Pacifist against the ropes
and sets up for a back body drop. The Violent Pacifist runs right into it. The Tiger with a back splash from the middle rope! He's certainly quick. 1...2...no!
Well, he's had enough fooling around. He gives the signal...it's time for the Tiger Rack! The VP is up in the Rack...
VP: Ahhhh...another fantastic stretch. Thanks kindly!
Candy Cantaloupes is distracting the ref. She could distract any man. Sir Hungalot nails the Tiger with a chair, right in the face! The ref doesn't notice the
really loud "smack" we just heard. The Tiger falls backward, the VP rolls him up, the ref turns around just in time...1......2......3! I don't believe it,
we have a new North American Champion!
Here is your winner, and NEEEEEEEEW STWF North American Champion, THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
VP: Oh yeah...sorry about that, Tiger. Really, I'm sorry.
Here comes the Inner Circle to get some revenge! Milwaukee's Best are beating the life out of Sir Hungalot and the new champ. But wait, the rest of the Total Annihilation Squad
are here too...Carnage, the Stalker, Iceberg....and now the rest of the Inner Circle show up! This is an all-out brawl!
Too bad it's just meant fo' the audience here. We outta time.
That's right. On Friday Friday Friday, you'll see Dr. Snare as he takes on SuperWrestler, Vyrus vs. the newcomer Arnold with Grampa.
You'll see in heavyweight action, the mighty Bohemoth vs. the drunken Death! And we'll have some tag action for you, all on Friday! Until then,
for Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Captain Twilight, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, goodnight and keep your pants off!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre