Quite possibly the most important Nae Trous in a while
(Pan Interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. Many signs go up, including "Irving Who?",
"Who brought Sugarplum back?" and "Corporate Flunkies" (with arrows pointing downward).)
Welcome everyone to Monday Nae Trous! There's a lot of things to cover. This could be the
biggest Nae Trous EVER! Oh yeah, here's Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa.
Yo, Cap'n T, wassup wit' da T-shirt?
What, this? Well, it took some thought, but I decided to join the Old Boys' Network.
Sure, we're not a stable yet, but it can't be too difficult to dig up some...more experienced...wrestlers
to make us an official stable.
I guess actually RASSLIN' ain't part o' da deal.
I am actively retired, but I never said I wouldn't stop wrestling.
Folks, as much as I'd love to continue this conversation, we DO have a Shoot-For-Loot to do! At least, for starters.
PunkMe PayMe takes on the King.
The following is a semi-final Shoot For Loot contest! We've decided
to not bother with ring entrances here, it's the same theme music anyway. Here are PunkMe PayMe and the King!
("Money" by Pink Floyd, the official Shoot-For-Loot song, plays for about six seconds.)
PunkMe PayMe is the underdog here, but he's actually made it to the semi-finals. The love of money
has sent this guy nearly all the way! Perhaps he could even beat Tyrone Mayhem in the finals, for that wheelbarrow full of cash?
That'll be the day.
PunkMe PayMe is dominating right now over the man with the blue suede shoes. He may not really be Elvis, but he's good enough
for the STWF. PunkMe PayMe with a big takedown!
You know, V, after all dis time I came to a realization: these matches suck!
Quit complaining, there's only this one and one more.
The King making a comeback. PunkMe PayMe points to the King's shoes, as if his shoelaces were untied. The King falls for it.
PunkMe PayMe with a big hit right on the back of the head! The King falls like the Indestructibles' career.
Now, let's not go that far.
The ref is making the count: 6...7...8...wait, the King is twitching! No, he's just convulsing. 9....10!
Here is your winner, PunkMe PayMe!
Oh Lord, will Tyrone Mayhem fall to the same fate as all others who stood in PunkMe PayMe's path?
He betta not. I got 20 bucks ridin' on dis.
I thought you said you didn't like these matches.
I don't, but it don't mean I cain't BET on 'em.
It'll take me a while to sort out that logic. In the meanwhile, let's witness the amazing tag team action that
is the Unlikely Alliance vs. the Crew. As you'll remember last Friday, Larry Lowbrow couldn't show due to "family problems",
and the Unlikely Alliance didn't get their chance to wrestle, so they're given this opportunity now.
They couldn't rematch against the Connection? Are Lowbrow's "problems" not sorted out yet?
No, they are; the Vegas Connection are facing Nik at Nyte later tonight.
These bookers never cease ta confuse me.
It makes sense if you don't think about it.
This tag team contest is set for one fall. Making their way to the ring first,
with a total combined weight of 580 lbs., representing the Total Annihilation Squad, The Violent Pacifist
and Sir Hungalot, THE UNLIKELY ALLIANCE!
("Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul plays. They enter to a pop, slightly lessened because the music is not appreciated.)
And their opponents, from Los Angeles, California, with a total combined weight of 597 lbs., John Whopper and Chris Fry,
("Eat It" by Weird Al plays as they enter, tossing burgers into the audience. The burgers actually leave a liquid trail
of grease along the trajectory.)
I'm still nauseous watching those grease trails, and I bet those guys in the audience aren't too happy either.
Little boy: Mommy, what is this stuff?
Old lady: My dress is ruined!
Muscular short-ish guy with facepaint and microphone: Come on back here, you punks! I'll fix your wagons real nice.
And I'll be Pittsburgh all over your sorry backsides!
Yeah, he's got a shot. (rolls eyes heavenward)
I don't know, I kind of think he could take the fast food workers. But I could have done without the Pittsburgh reference.
Chris Fry starts off with Sir Hungalot. The knight in latex armor with a hiptoss. He picks up Fry
by the hair and applies a waistlock. Standing switch by Fry, and Sir Hungalot is in a hammerlock. Fry releases the hold
for a back brain kick.
Chris Fry looking impressive.
Fry with an Asiatic spike! One of my personal favourite moves.
Why is dat?
Come here; I'll show you. Never mind; I'll show you after the show. The ref is lifting Sir Hungalot's arms - once....tw-no! He's still in it...
on two? Oh well. Sir Hungalot with two elbows. He sets up Fry for the ride. John Whopper is tagged on the way back. Hungalot with a clothesline on
Fry. Whopper jumps over Chris and lands a clothesline of his own. The cover: 1...2...and Big Sir kicks out easily. The Violent Pacifist has just been tagged.
Nice double team effort with a double DDT! The Violent Pacifist with an armbar submission. John Whopper isn't submitting. He reaches the ropes.
I dunno who's gonna take dis match.
There's a surprise. John Whopper bounces off the ropes, VP leapfrogs, second bounce, VP with a duck-down move, John Whopper jumps over
for a sunset flip, Whopper with a fistdrop. The cover: 1...kickout by Whopper. VP picks up Whopper by the hair. The ref is warning the Pacifist,
and the VP apologizes.
Well, you can't take ALL the pacifism away from him.
Yeah, thass right, othawise you'd just haveta call him "the Violent".
Boy Jamal, nothing gets by you. The Violent Pacifist tags Sir Hungalot back in. Another double-team maneuver,
this time, it's a great double suplex. Sir Hungalot really pouring it on now. John Whopper tries to tag Chris Fry back in...
where's Chris Fry?
Over there, chatting up Candy Cantaloupes.
Yeah, like he's got a shot.
Sir Hungalot levels John Whopper. He's going to the top buckle...split leg moonsault!
I don't think John Whopper is getting up after that one. 1...2...I was right.
Here are your winners, THE UNLIKELY ALLIANCE!
With that, the Unlikely Alliance are already in the running for some tag team gold. Can they show the Techie
Salesmen from Hell a thing or two? Who knows.
On to our "rookie match". Our newest member, "The Terror", will challenge Hammond Egger. Are we having fun yet?
No, I don't think so.
If I wasn't so old I would think I was dead.
The Terror had this to say before the show. Roll it, Chet!
Terror comes to the ring holding a celery stick while "Mouth" by Bush plays over the loudspeaker.)
Terror: Well, well, uh, well. I think I have found myself a new home. I've been around, I've forgotten where exactly,
but I think I'm gonna stick, uh, here. I've come down for one reason and one reason only, to find out if there is anyone who wants to take
on the newcomer. Uh...me! I hear that everyone in this fed is soooo big and bad, well, we will
see how big and, uh, bad you are after I dust your sorry <-BLEEP->s. So if anyone has the time or, uh, place, I'm
there. I think.
(A ring crewman goes up to Terror and tells him he's talking into a celery stick.)
Terror: Oh yeah...silly me. Did they still get what I said?
Crewman: Actions speak louder than words, sir.
(Terror walks away, taunting the crowd and eating his "mic".)
If this is what we have to expect from Terror, I think the STWF just got a whole lot dimmer.
Aw, just cause he talks inta vegetables don't make him stupid.
Jamal, I tested that theory. Do you realize that for the last ten minutes you've been talking into a beer hat?
Really? Cool! (slurp) Ahhh, now THASS commentatin'.
Focus, people, focus!
Currently in the ring, this jobber guy that we like to call Hammond Egger!
And his opponent, weighing 290 lbs., and from New York City. the TERROR!
("Mouth" by Bush plays again. The fans clearly remember him from before the show and start laughing at him.
An old lady comes up and taunts him. He puts a big gloved hand on her face and shoves her. She falls and shakes her fist at him.)
Yo, I coulda sworn she winked at him as she was on the ground.
That's preposterous. Why would the old lady wink at Terror? You think it was PLANNED that she was going to be shoved?
Let's be serious, Jamal.
(mumbling) It's possible...I mean, you know....sorry.
The Terror is kicking Hammond Egger from post to post! Hammond Egger is on his knees pleading for mercy. The Terror goes in...
and Hammond Egger low-blows him! The oldest trick in the book.
This guy really ISN'T too bright.
True enough, but I think we knew that from the moment we saw him talking into celery.
The Terror with a German suplex. The cover: 1...2...no. Hammond Egger is up. The Terror with a stepping side kick and covers.
He can't cover unless da jobber's on his back, not his face!
The ref is trying to convey the very same. The Terror rolls him over, but receives a poke in the eyes for all his efforts.
The Terror is really angry now - he's getting ready for his finisher - THE DUSTER!
It's a side suplex.
Well, I'm impressed.
Hammond Egger has just been dusted! 1...2...3. And the Terror walks away victorious.
Of course, he just beat a jobber.
Here comes the NiGhtMare down to ringside...he's raising the Terror's hand in victory. What this means,
I haven't a clue. Probably some friendship, but how does the NiGhtMare make a friend after being stuck in a
governmental asylum for 24 years?
Maybe they knew each other beforehand. Which makes them both prime for our OBN.
How much more you gonna plug this geezer stable?
Okay, it's time for some commercials.
This edition of Monday Nae Trous brought to you by:
And we're back. Results of our "dark match": Sugarplum Harry disposed of Sally Sleepy-Time rather easily,
in our "battle of the overweight, effeminately-dressed bearded guys". Sally fell asleep after a big heave
from Harry. Now that his weakness has been exposed, Sally will have a tough time surviving here.
We'd also like to mention that Sugarplum Harry HAS accepted the challenge from Harlequin from Hell and StreetMime. This match will
take place next week on Monday Nae Trous.
And I've just been informed that the match between Nik at Nyte and the Vegas Connection has been postponed,
because Larry Lowbrow has "family problems...different ones than before".
I think I'm going to suggest counselling for the Lowbrows.
Shhh...here comes the Right Hand Man.
RHM: Oh Rogue....Rogue....come down here please for a chat. And bring your Gallery.
RHM: Very well; I suppose you don't WANT to be on television this week.
That brought the Gallery out pretty quickly.
Yeah, what the hell do YOU want, you puppet?
Right Hand Man: Rogue, you and your Gallery have been running this fed ragged for some time now,
getting your "ego nights" on Monday Nae Trous and Friday Friday Friday time and again. It's time for a change.
Change? Nothing's changed...yet. Was the Colonel, the Aboriginals, R&B scheduled to fight at Monster Bash? No.
When was the last time Rhythm and Blues had a match? Long time ago. What's the matter, are you scared they'll become champs too?
Shut up and let me finish. It's my turn to talk, and your turn to seal your lips and listen for once.
Since there's nothing in the rulebook that says executives can't have their own group of wrestlers, the reasoning
behind your Rogue's Gallery, I've got a group of my own! They stand for order, and righteousness around here.
They'll undo all the chaos you're about to cause. And finally...the odds will be evened. May I present to you...
the guys who are always hanging around the "big wheels" of the STWF...the Hubcap Gang!
Hahahaha! Boy, am I scared now. What are they, a bunch of grease monkey mechanics?
Why don't I just bring them out? First, the team whose contracts have been freshly renewed, and who are willing
to work for the Ivory Tower's name...NIK AT NYTE!
(Nik at Nyte come out in badly-fitting suits)
Sorry about the suits, boys. I'll get you custom-made ones next week. These were just hanging around out back,
but it's a lot better than your other clothing. And guess what? Your benefits package for being Hubcap Gang
members includes...your lifelong dream of being on television! YOU'RE GETTING YOUR OWN CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!
Darren #3: Wow! All I was expecting was a three-episode run of a bad sitcom!
RHM: I've already booked Regis Philbin, Florence Henderson, and Heile Woo! Well, it needs work.
Is there a point to all this?
RHM: Right! Next, a man who has helped me to no end since starting here just a few weeks ago...I give you SUPERWRESTLER!
(loud pop as SuperWrestler "flies" to the ring.)
SW: Thanks, big guy. Always a pleasure to serve for truth, justice and the STWF way!
RHM: A representative from the Ivory Tower will be to your house shortly to fix your Super Exercise Center, and add a Junior Chemistry set
to your crime lab.
SW: I don't know what to say!
Excuse me, I hate to interrupt this little love-in, but we've got better places to be than this.
And finally, the anchor of the Hubcap Gang, the axle if you will, I give you the STWF Heavyweight Champion, B....F....SACK!
(Monstrous pop as the theme from "Sanford and Son" plays over the PA. The entire Gallery is covering their ears.)
Sack: Now this is what I call a stable! Now Rogue, it looks like we've got you sorely outclassed. Boom-chick-a-boom, I said boom-chick-a-boom.
RHM: And Sack? By all means keep the Thunderball.
Big deal. Your group has a belt, the Gallery has a belt. We can still do plenty of damage, my friend.
And to prove it, let's have a Hubcap/Gallery match RIGHT NOW! Col. "Pops" Khorne is in the best shape of his life. He'll put up against
anybody you've got.
RHM: Supe, you up to it?
SW: You bet.
(all other parties leave the ring)
SuperWrestler and Col. Khorne lock up. Khorne with a dropkick, and a legdrop. That's one beefy leg now.
I don't think the Rogue was lying when he said Khorne was down to 4% body fat.
SuperWrestler now with a shoulderblock, and he applies a figure-four leglock! Great move. "Pops" is in pain, looks like.
He just barely reaches the ropes, and the hold is broken.
Yo, dis Hubcap Gang? Are dey like, car teeves o' sumpin'?
Jamal, please start paying attention.
And take off that stupid beer hat and put on your headset!
Fine. Beer's gone, anyway.
Khorne with a belly-to-back suplex. He covers: 1...2...kickout. SuperWrestler jumps up and delivers a great neckbreaker.
He's treading awfully close to the Jiffyneckpop with that one.
Indeed. SuperWrestler now to the middle buckle...flying elbowdrop! Could this be it? 1...2...no.
Col. Khorne is getting frustrated. An anklescissors takedown by Khorne, and a chinlock is executed shortly afterwards.
A great match so far. A lot of good technical stuff.
Col. Khorne has released the hold, and he's stomping away at Supe. He picks him up...could this be the Jiffyneckpop? SuperWrestler
with a small package! 1...2...kickout. SuperWrestler is setting up for the Punch of Justice now...and there it is! Right in the mouth.
1...2...3! The Hubcap Gang records its first victory.
SuperWrestler is one remarkable athlete.
Voiceover: Did you think I was just going to disappear, SuperWrestler? I'm coming,
and I'm going to destroy you! And maybe, just maybe, I'm going to start with Kryptopolis.
You can't hide from me forever, SuperWrestler! YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREVER! Heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee...
SW: WHERE ARE YOU?! COME ON!
Well, we still don't know who this voiceover is, but we'll sure have to find out soon.
That's all the time we have this week on Monday Nae Trous. On Friday Friday Friday, you'll see Irving Goldstein take on
the NiGhtMare. In addition, the finals of our Shoot-For-Loot! Mayhem vs. PunkMe PayMe - who will get the
wheelbarrow full of cash? Nik at Nyte of the newly-created Hubcap Gang WILL take on the Vegas Connection - guaranteed!
And oh, so much more! Until then, for Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, Goodnight!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereoypicos de Lucha Libre