Monday Nae Trous
It's Monday Nae Trous - The Big Four-Naught(y)


(Pan Interior of the Chinook Dome. Loud pop for no general reason. The STWF Girls appear, looking quite disheveled.)
Welcome everyone to Monday Nae Trous! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, here along with the Pencil-Necked Geek and Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando. Unfortunately, Captain Twilight isn't here to keep order, so get ready for some wacky, wacky commentary.
Hey, I take offense to that, Vince. BRAAAAAAAP!
I as well. Honestly, Vince, just because your colleagues tonight are an obese gentleman with an odour problem, and your intellectual superior...
ENOUGH! Let's start things off with our Shoot-For-Loot contest. It's a nice warm-up for the big Battle Royal to determine our new champion.
I'm in that, Vince.
I'll toss you out cold, fat man! I've beaten you before.
You want to go? Right now?
Announcer Lad, please! Take me away...I mean take it away!
(Announcer Lad's head is covered in bandages. All you can see is his right eye and his mouth. Remember last Friday? The pyrotechnic pots? Anyone?)
This Shoot-For-Loot contest is set for one fall. Making his way to the ring first, from Memphis, Tennessee, weighing in at 271 lbs., THE KING!
("Money" by Pink Floyd, the official Shoot-For-Loot song, plays as the King dances down, gyrating hips, shaking hands, eating a peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich.)
And his opponent, from Parts Forgotten...(loud pop in expectation), weighing 245 lbs., douja!
("Money" continues to play as douja shambles to the ring, stoned as all get out.)
Warning: This show is rated TV-14. It contains drug use, violence, and foul language. If you don't like it, that's just too bad.
These warnings seem to be a lot snippier now.
I must root for the King in this confrontation. With his experience in the martial arts, he's a shoo-in to conquer this...other thing in the ring here.
I don't know there, twig-boy, douja can always pull a trick or two. Hey, anyone try this popcorn with not-quite-butter?
Um...Gary? If you were watching Friday Friday Friday, the not-quite-butter has a rather, shall we say, unsettling effect.
Oh, I'm hardcore, my stomaccan take it.
Yeah, well we'll see. It appears that the King has received BOTH the hygiene and costume points here, no big surprise.
***bell rings.
douja stumbling around. The King with a left hook. douja is down already!
Doesn't take much to knock one like douja off his feet.
douja up at 3...receives two more counts. He shakes off the hit. The King with a vertical punch right below douja's nose!
Oh, forget about it, douja's done.
I thought you said he'd pull a surprise.
Oh, what do I know. Man, I'm not feeling so hot. BRAAAAAAAP!
The ref counts: 5...6...7...8...douja tries to get up...but fails! 10! The King with a victory in a very one-sided match.
Brilliant observation, Holmes. How do you do it?
Why, it's ele...oh, you were being sarcastic. Well, the Entertainment Industry has booked some time here; let's go right to them.
("That's Entertainment" is being sung by Lester Leary as Rimshot wheels in. The Industry is not far behind.)
Rimshot: Alright, you mugs, listen up and listen good, see? The Industry are here to discuss a few matters that are on everyone's lips.
Presto Cadabra: King, you just signed your death warrant going in here. I won't say any more on the matter at this juncture, but let me just sum it up like this. You're our entertainment competition. Now you can still join us... but I see you won't do that soon. OR you can fight us. Now as far as I see, you don't have any backing. I'll beat you guaranteed, and it will be MAGIC!
Larry Lowbrow: Alright, we have to say something about these Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver belts. We'll be defending them really soon. But people are saying, "What good are you as champs if you don't even wrestle?"
Lester Leary: So therefore, we will fight, tonight, an STWF team of our choosing to get out here and rumble with us. JACK! We choose...

THE FAT GREEN CROSSDRESSERS!
The who?
Some guys who're like me, except they're green, and they dress like fat chicks.
So I guess Der Kommissaar didn't get that "no fat chicks" ruling out?
He didn't want to lose Girl Friday.
(Two gigantic guys whose skin condition has turned them green, come out. They stop Col. "Pops" Khorne, who is vending in the stands, and buy some popcorn, gulping it down as they hit the ring.)
Uh...Vince? I need to leave. Badly. I'll be right back, I hope. Let me just get out of this seat. UNNGH! GRUNT! Stupid tiny seats.
Told you. But did you listen? No. Those fat green crossdressers - I wonder if it will affect them either.
Hard to tell - they look like they can eat anything.
Hello. Is this seat taken?
Hello Colonel. Can you not give people normal butter? Must you give them that...stomach-upsetting substitute? And please, change your accent, you're hard to understand.
Happy now? And it's not just the not-quite-butter. The popcorn is somewhat to blame too.
Can't you just get an announcing position instead of poisoning our announcers?
I'm Rogue's Gallery. And being a Gallery-ite, there's no way my opinions would ever get presented without my tactics. Der Kommissaar and the Right Hand Man are punishing all of us for thinking differently, and I'm here to change all of that.
***bell rings.
It's about time this match got underway. Lester Leary to start off with one of these green guys...I think he's Fat Green 1.
They're indistinguishable!
You've got that right. Lester Leary with a punch to the midsection and...his hand got stuck in that enormous gut! He's got a foot up and trying to dislodge it... he's out and he goes sailing across the ring! Lester bounces off the ropes for a flying forearm! Fat Green 1 doesn't look too fazed.
It's hard to believe anything would faze 700-pounders.
Lester Leary with a European uppercut. He tries a Russian legsweep, but to no avail. Larry Lowbrow distracting the ref now. Rimshot throws one of his drumsticks up. The lounge lizard cracks it right over the head of the fat green guy. That seemed to have loosened his shield a bit. Lester unrelenting. Fat Green 1 looks punch drunk, so he tags in Fat Green 2!
Take one step forward, and two back.
Lester Leary tags in his bigger partner. Larry Lowbrow is a strong guy, let's see what he can do with these crossdressers.
I don't think I want to know what he can do with crossdressers.
Good thing we already put up the warning. Larry Lowbrow with a spear! Nobody can get up easily from a spear!
Ask Steven Regal.
Hey! Don't go there. Larry Lowbrow grabs the Golden Mic(TM) and smacks the fat green crossdresser right between the eyes! It looks like Fat Green 1 on the outside is feeling the effects of Khorne's popcorn.
I tried to warn 'em, but you try getting through to big hungry...green...well, whatever these THINGS are.
Larry Lowbrow isn't quite done...
Larry Lowbrow: Stop me if you've heard this one before.
Oh, we've all heard it before, but who'd want to stop him?
He's going for it...it's the Punchline! Oh man, what a move on the huge green man! But wait, his head was exposed! We need to get some paramedics out here and pronto! I think Fat Green 2 has been paralyzed.
You expect us to believe that?
Maybe. The cover: 1...2...3! The Vegas Connection take this one in a rather quick encounter.
Here are your winners, the VEGAS CONNECTION!
Lester Leary: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we are champions. JACK!
I still think Announcer Lad shouldn't be out here in his condition.
He's our only good announcer. You think we should stick one of our Mexican announcers up there?
Why argue? Let's just roll a gravy commercial. I think this Meatnsaucy is cool - I've been getting free samples from him!

Hi! I'm Fred Meatnsaucy, the incredibly wealthy owner of Meatnsaucy powdered gravy. And I'd like to personally thank each and every one of you who has bought my product. I couldn't get where I am today without you! And to those of you who HAVEN'T tried my product, what are you waiting for? Just because I'm already a billionaire doesn't mean you can't fill my pockets even more. So go ahead...it's just gravy, what's the harm?
If you've been reading this over the past few weeks, you'd get that joke.
It's only four weeks away! Monster Bash is coming to the STWF! And man, what a card it's going to be! We've got:
the overly dramatic Sales Pitch match, where every move suddenly becomes a killer!
the fast-paced action of the Moving Bus match! It's like Speed, only with more wrestling!
the "house rules" razorcard match. What will happen with a magician, an Elvis impersonator, six dozen decks of razorcards, and a one-eyed monkey, ALL IN ONE RING?
the sickening barbed-wire-exploding-ringposts-time-bomb-etc. match. Hardcore? You bet! Budget-killing! Oh yeah.
A six-man Table Blowout match. Thirty-one tables WILL be broken, we guarantee!
the mixed-doubles submission match! Four hedonists, clawing and grappling until one person yells "I give!"
and who could forget the hot coals match? It's a sizzler to be sure!
That's Monster Bash. Quite possibly the second-best PPV of the year!
(Scene opens to the man in the white mask from Asylum Anarchy 98.)
A lot of you people out there are probably wondering who I am. Well, I guess I can tell you now that my name is The Bully, and I am here to kick some Cruiserweight butt. So what if I'm well over 400 pounds. What are you gonna do about it? Absofreakinlutely NOTHIN'. Why, you ask? Because there ain't nobody that can stop me. Mayhem, PNG, Sunflower, Très Sheik...I don't care who you are. If you weigh less than 250 pounds, you've got The Bully on your back. So, line up boys, and have your lunch money ready, cause The Bully is here to stay.
(Fade to black)
THE BULLY. Coming soon to the STWF.
And we're back. Well, we're almost finished this tag tournament. This is the last semi-final match, after which we're down to two. On Friday Friday Friday, we'll see who gets to fight the Vegas Connection for the MBPD belts.
This contest is set for one fall. Making their way first, representing the Entertainment Industry, Nik at Nyte!
(They enter to "Love is All Around")
And their opponents, representing nobody in particular except maybe some pimply-faced disgruntled teenagers, THE CREW!
("Eat It" by Weird Al plays. They enter and work the crowd.)
***bell rings.
John Whopper is in there already, he wants to win the belts for his team and he wants it badly!
I've never seen the Crew so fierce.
John Whopper is nailing Darren #3 with vicious punches and brutal chops. There's a gutwrench suplex, and D3 is down...really, really, utterly down.
Hey, look over there. It's Fred Meatnsaucy!
Our biggest corporate sponsor in the audience, probably being kept happy by our Der Kommissaar to keep that ad money flowing, and our program quality high.
(cut to the audience. Fred Meatnsaucy is holding up a foam finger, and is wearing a Rogue's Gallery T-shirt.)
Can't say much about his choice of attire, though. Maybe Der Kommissaar is trying to get rid of them.
Meatnsaucy knows quality when he sees it, McMadden, so don't bust his chops for liking me, my boss, and my gang.
Sorry. Sheesh! Rodney Ricardo has been tagged in. He's doing marginally better than Darren #3. John Whopper is in control, and there's a neckbreaker! Crunch. The cover: 1...2...Nik at Nyte are still in this.
Nik at Nyte were once poised to be the champs. What happened?
They're still okay, I suppose. Wait! The Vegas Connection are coming to ringside! They've got those Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver belts! The ref is distracted by Rimshot, and POW! Rodney Ricardo gets a belt the hard way.
Chris Fry is tagged in, I guess all he needs to do is the finisher.
The Food Poisoning has been applied! How appropriate considering the recent circumstances.
I take offense to that, McMadden.
Oh, go ahead and deny it.
Deny nothing, I just said I take offense to that.
The ref turns around, and Rodney Ricardo just submitted to the Food Poisoning! The Crew are moving on to face the Total Annihilators on Friday.
About time. Now we can focus on the Shoot-For-Loot.
Very funny. Wait, Rimshot has a few words...again!
Rimshot: You two mugs are a disgrace! I thought you could be somebody. It turns out you can't beat two fast food workers even if it meant you could be more than the nobodies you are. Sorry, but the Entertainment Industry has no place for mugs like you. Turn in your Armani suits, and head back to the streets where I picked you up!
Lester and Leary tear the suits off of Nik at Nyte! I can't look...
Don't worry, they have trunks.
Whew. Well...it sure looks like the Entertainment Industry is culling its members. Maybe there's room for the King now?
If the King ever joins the Industry, I'll eat my spectacles.
It's time for the Battle Royal, folks! Here are all your competitors!
B.F. Sack
Bohemoth
Prisoner X
Wrestler Smurf
The Tiger
The Violent Pacifist
Carnage
The Stalker
Iceberg
Sally Sleepy-Time
ThatGuy
Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando
Kabuki
Oni-San
the Ronin
Sir Hungalot
Presto Cadabra
"Black" Jack Dealer
The King
douja
Dr. Snare
Identity Crisis Man
Tyrone Mayhem
BILL
The Sunflower
The Pencil-Necked Geek
PunkMe PayMe
Mira Maniac
The Tibetan Monk
The Doomsday Chicken
That's odd. I was expecting some GOOD wrestlers.
You know your Gallery isn't allowed to wrestle. And tag teams weren't accepted, and Death has been barred.
Still, I feel like we're missing something obvious.
And if we are, we'll hear about it soon. Hey, shouldn't you be in the ring? Your name was called!
OH YEAH! That was the obvious thing. I'm out of here, gents.
And how high did he say his IQ was again?
All the competitors are now in the ring...
LET THE BATTLE BEGIN! *cough* *cough*
Alright! And there they go. I can't see much happening right now, it's pretty crowded. What's the Doomsday Chicken doing on the top rope? High-risk maneuver coming your way. Oh no! Sir Hungalot just knocked him clear off. Presto Cadabra and the King are really working on each other - there's some genuine heat between these two, and it's going to culminate come Monster Bash! They're grappling heavily, and they eliminate each other going over the top! They're still fighting all the way back to the locker room.
Hey look, there goes BILL, flying over the top rope. Iceberg just heaved him over. I think BILL landed on his arm!
BILL gets hurt again, big surprise. The Ronin and Identity Crisis Man are locking it up...Bob nails the Ronin! He's going to suplex him over the rope. ThatGuy just picked up ICM. Both men are in trouble here. Dr. Snare makes the save! But it's too late for the Ronin. ICM and ThatGuy are still in it, folks.
All this little-guy action is tedious. Let's look at the big guys.
Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando is being teamed on by the Geek, the Sunflower and Tyrone Mayhem. Even combined, they don't add up to Gary's weight! But can they outnumber him? Mira Maniac joins the team. They pick up Gary's arms and legs! He's now helpless. A little momentum here for the fat man...and over he goes!
BILL shouldn't have dawdled. Gary landed right on top of him! Serves him right.
Gary looks glad to be out, as I think he has to leave again, thanks to Col. Khorne, sitting on my left.
Hey! Enough about me. There's still Bohemoth.
Bohemoth seems to be holding his own quite nicely. He's got the Total Annihilation Squad all over him, save Iceberg, who's in another corner. Bohemoth just backdrops the Stalker, and he's outta there. Carnage and the Pacifist double-teaming Bohemoth. ThatGuy is right in there! He clotheslines the Pacifist over the top, but the Pacifist is hanging in. Carnage takes ThatGuy and throws him over the top. ThatGuy takes the Pacifist with him as he goes down.
Okay, let's move to Iceberg then.
He's got a small army as well. Mira Maniac and Tyrone Mayhem are working him over. The Tiger is in there now! But say goodbye to Mira Maniac as Tyrone and the Tiger quickly ally with Iceberg. Now say goodbye to Tyrone as Iceberg ends the allegiance abruptly.
Well, only one big guy is gone so far. How about Sally Sleepy-Time?
"Black" Jack Dealer and Prisoner X are trying to get Sally to sleep by getting him down. Oni-San comes in to help. It's hard getting someone like Sally down, but they did it. And he's snoring like a sawmill now. They very carefully lower him out of the ring. Awww.
Wrestler Smurf, maybe?
Wrestler Smurf is fighting douja. He's finding it hard to maneuver, as douja is making a big smokescreen! But Wrestler Smurf finds douja, goes to the top rope...and powerbombs him down to the outside ringfloor! douja is out! But so is Wrestler Smurf?
I guess the smoke clouded Smurf's judgement as well as his eyes.
True enough. Half of our men are gone. B.F. Sack is on a tear now! He's been sitting in a corner all this time, and he's completely fresh! Goodbye Kabuki! See you later Oni-San! Sayonara Geek!
Oh sure, give the Japanese goodbye to the one guy who isn't.
Here comes the Geek now.
At least I made it past the 50th percentile.
Whatever. PunkMe PayMe just eliminated the Tibetan Monk! He can't believe it either. He's checking to see that the roof isn't collapsing...Identity Crisis Man eliminates PunkMe PayMe while he's distracted!
We're getting down to the serious contenders now.
I hardly call "Black" Jack Dealer a serious contender. The Tiger heaves him out easily. Bohemoth picks up the Sunflower and levels him with a belly-to-belly suplex! He picks up the Outcast and casts him out!
Iceberg with a double-clothesline! Sir Hungalot and Carnage, Iceberg's own teammate, are eliminated with one blow!
Only six men remain: B.F. Sack, Bohemoth, Iceberg, the Tiger, Dr. Snare and Prisoner X. Any of these men could be a worthy champion.
True, but I wouldn't be very comfortable with the Tiger being a double-champion.
Who asked you? Sack is hooked up with Bohemoth, Dr. Snare with the Tiger and Prisoner X with the massive Iceberg, who I'm picking to be the next champ.
That guy can't wrestle, he's just some monster who doesn't wear pants.
Dr. Snare puts a piledriver on the Tiger! B.F. Sack switches partners with Prisoner X. He gives Iceberg a SackHammer! Oh, the irony.
How's that?
I don't know, it just seemed like the thing to say. Bohemoth joining Sack in beating on Iceberg. Come on, you can take two guys! I guess not, there he goes. Dr. Snare and the Tiger are beating each other senseless. The Tiger puts the Doc up in the Tiger Rack! But you won't beat him that way, this is over-the-top-rope only!
So what? He's weakening the Doctor to put him over more easily.
But he's weakening himself in the process. Prisoner X kicks the Tiger right in the solar plexus! He loses balance...he drops the Doctor right over the top, what a stroke of luck!
The Tiger's not looking so hot either, Sack just flipped him over by the legs. And we're down to three men! Bohemoth, Prisoner X and B.F. Sack. A former champ, a former North American champ, and a convicted felon.
All three men circling each other, nobody trusts anyone to turn their back! Prisoner X makes the first move. He dropkicks B.F. Sack. Sack falls on his back. Bohemoth right in on Prisoner X. A headbutt by the coal miner. A chokeslam by Bohemoth! Prisoner X no-sells it completely. Bohemoth tries it again closer to the rope. Prisoner X lands on the top rope, and he's balancing on it precariously. Bohemoth is shaking the ropes vigourously...Prisoner X has been eliminated! We've got two of the STWF's biggest names here, poised to take the belt.
Go Bohemoth!
Go Sack!
Somebody end this match quick! Bohemoth with a running powerslam on B.F. Sack. He covers...forgetting that he must toss Sack over the top rope! Bohemoth goes to the top rope for a big splash! He's going to do it again...Sack raises his knees!
Both men, obviously exhausted. Who will emerge victorious? And will Death relinquish his title? And just what did the Right Hand Man say when he had a "plan"?
Are you reading my lines?
I want to broaden my horizons. I can't just sit here making snippy comments all the time.
Oh, sure you can.
Well, SOME people are content with that.
B.F. Sack gives Bohemoth a bulldogging headlock. He pulls Bohemoth up by the hair...it's the Domino Effect! He's going to drain Bohemoth of all life and make his job easier.
NO! SACK CAN'T LIFT 490 POUNDS OF DEAD WEIGHT!
He must have heard you because he just released the Domino Effect. He whips Bohemoth against the ropes. Bohemoth has a huge head of steam with arms out for a clothesline. Sack doubles over and a big bodydrop! Bohemoth flying through the air! The crowd is cheering, this thing is over!
Not so fast. He landed on the apron just outside.
Bohemoth picks up Sack by the head. He's going to throw him out from there!
B.F. Sack with a hurricanrana!
Bohemoth hits the ground first! But Sack lands on his head right afterwards.
Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, the next STWF Heavyweight Champion...B.F. SACK!
This sucks. The guy just came back and wins a Battle Royal to become champ.
It's champ in name only unless we can find Death to get that belt away from him.
Well, name only or no, Sack is champ. Death WILL be in action next week against Bohemoth. Also, the Bad <-BLEEP->ses back in action against the Cybernetics! Shoot-For-Loot action sees Sir Hungalot vs. Prisoner X. And the finals of the Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver belts: the Total Annihilators vs. the Crew! On behalf of the Pencil-Necked Geek, Colonel "Pops" Khorne, and I guess Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando too, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, keep your pants off!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre