Welcome everyone to THURSDAY Nae Trous! Yes, you're reading correctly. We should hope to get back to Mondays
as soon as the WNHL playoffs are over - why they're playing in July is beyond me. But we have a great line-up today; Pedro Chang
is going one-on-one with DeRanged. Speaking of DeRanged, we'd like to thank him, as well as Col. Khorne, for getting us in trouble with the FCC for their uncalled-for language. And what do you know, we're going to kick things off with the debut of Colonel "Pops" Khorne
as he takes on another food personality, Hammond Egger, the pastry chef!
(c) Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre 1997
(A large pair of pants floats across the screen,
then covered by a gigantic red circle with a line through it. The STWF logo appears)
En español donde sea disponible!
(Interior of the Marine Midland Arena. The two guys with sparklers and flare guns are back.)
Legend: This white is Angus McMadden's "voice". Other "voices" are as follows:
Jamal Tupac Mustafa
Captain Twilight
Ring Announcer.
All other voices will have different colours and will be preceded by their name.
The following contest is set for one fall. Currently in the ring, from Chicago, Illinois, weighing in at 240 lbs., Hammond Egger!
(Hammond Egger receives little pop with some shouts of "Scrub!" and "Bum!". He is dressed in a white chef's outfit, complete with hat and frying pan.)
And his opponent, from St. Louis, Missouri, weighing in at 220 lbs., COLONEL "POPS" KHORNE!
(Khorne comes out to a small pop. He is still wearing the vendor's uniform, and still has a tray. On his way to the ring, he is still selling popcorn.)
Khorne hasn't changed a bit since joining the STWF. And I can't help but wonder, at 5'11" he's not a very intimidating figure, and his skills are questionable.
We are not ones to question the decisions of Der Kommissaar and the Right Hand Man. The Rogue, on the other hand...
Man, you better not dis' da Rogue while I'm here, or I bus' yo' face so hard yo' 'FRO PICK'll bleed, bitch!
***bell rings.
Both men lock up. Hammond Egger has the weight advantage, but he's not winning this test-o'-strength. Khorne slaps on a headlock. Egger replies with elbows to the midsection. Khorne backs off
and whips Egger to the turnbuckle. Khorne drives a shoulder into Egger and follows up with some kicks. Khorne now slaps on a front face lock - Egger's not submitting. Khorne breaks the hold after 14 seconds. Khorne with a snap suplex and covers: 1...2...kickout by Egger.
Are we excited yet?
Oh do shut up you ignoramus, and let's just watch the match before I show you what a real wrestler can do!
Ooooh, I'm so scared, the old geezer's gonna hurt me!
Um...anyways, Egger now trying to get the frying pan and cause some damage, but the ref sees it and throws the pan away. Khorne takes the opportunity and gives Hammond a swinging neckbreaker! This could do it...1...2...3! Yes, Khorne wins.
Here is your winner, Colonel "Pops" Khorne!
But wait, Sir Gary Glutton is coming to ringside - Friar "Buck" is not with him. I don't know about this...
KHORNE! Your popcorn sucked, and so did that match! You're a no-talent hack and you always will be!
Oh yeah? Meet me here next week, and we'll see who the better man is!
Fine. You want to play with the big boys, little man? Well, I'm the biggest there is! When I'm through with you, all that'll be left is next week's dinner!
Some interesting comments from Sir Gary Glutton of the Hedonistic Crusaders. Wait...I'm getting word that there's been a run-in in the back, and the Caretaker has been injured! Let's roll tape.
(The Caretaker of the Sanitation Crew is buffing the floor. Hugo Stonebreaker appears, clocks him in the head, and starts buffing the Caretaker's face. He leaves, with the Caretaker sprawled on the ground.)
Well, it appears as though the Stonebreakers are trying to eliminate their competition if they can't win. We've just been told that The Sanitation Crew will not be fighting the Stonebreakers tonight, but replacing them will be none other than Dow Jones and Hi Interestrate, the Finance Department.
Let's take you to them for pre-match comments.
Dow Jones: You may not have seen us before, but don't sell us short! We're as strong as bears and as stubborn as bulls! Stonebreakers, we're going to do to you what the Hunt Brothers did to the silver market!
Hi Interestrate: You're goin' down faster than Bre-X!
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Currently in the ring, with a combined weight of 830 lbs., Hugo and Slick, the Stonebreakers!
(Dead silence. The Stonebreakers have not found any gimmick yet, and as such draw no crowd pop.)
And their opponents, with a combined weight of 566 lbs., Dow Jones and Hi Interestrate, the Finance Department!
(Two men in brightly coloured business suits enter. Dow Jones' is bright red, and Hi Interestrate's is bright yellow. A decent pop.)
***bell rings.
Dow Jones and Slick to start things. Slick goes for a top-wrist lock, but Dow counters with a head-butt and a neckbreaker. Dow goes to the middle rope and lands a kneedrop nicely. He picks up Slick and drives him to the mat with a powerbomb! Tag to Interestrate.
What kind of damn fool name is Interestrate? Hi applies his patented nosehold. The ref asks Slick if he submits, Slick doesn't. Interestrate now follows up the nosehold by covering the mouth! Slick can't breathe! The ref lifts the arm once...twice...three times...Hugo tried to make the save but Dow Jones held him off!
This one is over and quickly!
Here are your winners, the Finance Department! (Crowd cheers)
Impressive win for Jones and Interestrate. We'll be right back after this short break.
Thursday Nae Trous has been brought to you by the Albatross Brothers Gaming Corporation, proud makers of "McCarthy Rules: The spot-and-kill-the-commie game" (fun for ages 7 and up!). If it's on the fringe, it's Albatross Brothers.
Be afraid, children, for BILL will soon walk amongst ye.
BILL. Coming soon to the STWF.
Remember, all you wrestlers out there, if you want to be a part of Mexico Madness in four weeks, you had better come up with a challenge soon or miss out on all the action!
This match just signed: The Circus Freaks will meet the Forces of Justice in a #1 contenders match for the tag team belts!
Well, we're back. I've been informed that STWF affiliate Jim Moss has some information on BILL; hopefully the Moss Report will be out soon.
I'm terribly sorry, but during the break, we started a match between Michael Wackson and Cross-Eyed Chris Armstrong, but we had no idea that Michael Wackson would win in 20 seconds with a moonwalk moonsault! So let's take you now to the Twilight Zone!
Hello and welcome once again to the Twilight Zone! With me, Captain Twilight. My special guest this evening is none other than the self-proclaimed pixie king, Sugarplum Harry!
("The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies", played on a tuba, plays. Sugarplum Harry enters, wearing his trademark pink tutu and cardboard star wand.)
First of all, Harry, I'd like to comment on your choice of match for Mexico Madness. You asked for a match on ice? In Tijuana of all places? I can understand a match on ice anywhere else, but why now?
Well...I figured that I could take him anytime, anywhere, under even the most impossible of conditions! Our match will take place inside the only Mexican hockey arena, so there are no worries there. El Spheros! You may have strong ties to many people, including Mexico Unlimited and the House of Pain in your other "federation",
but it is nothing compared to the awesome size of the Pixie Kingdom! I will be crowned the new champion! You will fall like all the rest...well, I suppose roll, considering your shape. I don't care what shape you are though, because everyone feels the Nutcracker the same way! I'm outta here.
Well, thank you Harry. Let's take you now to our final match - the one you've all been waiting for - DeRanged will take on Pedro Chang!
The following contest is set for one fall. Making his way towards the ring, accompanied by Bucho Mugralez and El Presidente, representing Mexico Unlimited, from Los Angeles, CA, "The Chinese Spic" PEDRO CHANG!
("Rico Suave" by Gerrardo plays. Lots of noise from the crowd, but mostly boos.)
And his opponent, from Edison, New Jersey, weighing in at 325 lbs.,the genocidal, suicidal, homicidal and circumcisal (CIRCUMCISAL?!) DeRanged!
("Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath plays. A good pop, with a New Jersey contingent going wild. This is Buffalo, after all.)
Dude, did he say circumcisal? Man, that's sick, brother, that's jus' plain SICK!
***bell rings.
DeRanged starts off by flinging his cigarette in Chang's face. El Presidente replies by shoving his giant cigar in DeRanged's face! Both men temporarily blinded, and Bucho Mugralez takes some cheap shots. Both men shake off the ashes, and this match can get started. Pedro Chang with a dropkick, but DeRanged just stands there and laughs!
Pedro Chang with another dropkick, still no effect. Chang with a hurricanrana and starts pounding away on DeRanged's face. DeRanged cataputs Pedro off of him and into the turnbuckle. DeRanged now gives Pedro Chang a superplex! The cover:1...and Chang kicks out. You're not going to get him that quickly...
Chang with a reverse atomic drop, and rakes the eyes of DeRanged. DeRanged is mad now, he gives the cutthroat sign, and grabs the neck of Chang! We could see the Death Grip...El Presidente and Bucho Mugralez both start wailing on DeRanged with their concealed lead pipes. But it's having no effect! DeRanged lets go, turns around and glares at them. Meanwhile, Pedro Chang goes up top and nails his L.A. Hangover!
I tell ya, wrestling's changed a lot since I was a boy sixty-five years ago...
The cover: 1...2...and DeRanged kicks out. DeRanged with a reverse chinlock on Pedro Chang. The ref comes over and asks Chang if he submits - Chang doesn't. DeRanged grabs the ropes: ref doesn't see it. Grabs them again: nope, not that time. A third time: okay, now the ref saw it and warns DeRanged. The chinlock is still applied though!
Okay, while we're waiting for this chinlock to end, I'd like to remind everyone that if you'd like to appear on the next Twilight Zone, you can mail your comments as soon as is physically possible. Is the chinlock broken yet? No? Um... okay, perhaps I'd like to explain then that the reason these two are feuding is because of one man,
Rob Bissell, aka IRONMAN. Bissell trained Pedro Chang and handed him off to Bucho Mugralez, who's really given Pedro a name here. But DeRanged has feuded with Bissell in pretty much every fed imaginable, and I suppose now he wants to take on Bissell's protégés as well. Now? Oh come on! Still?
DeRanged: Oh, to hell with this...
He breaks the hold - finally! - and lands the Death Grip! Pedro Chang is now in a sleeper submission! The ref lifts the arm...once...twice...
***bell rings.
...three times.
Ladies and gentlemen, this match has ended in a time-limit DRAW!
(Crowd boos and starts chanting "bullshit!")
What the hell?! I had him! Damn, I knew I shouldn't have taken so damn long on the chinlock. You know you're beaten, Chinese Dick, so just admit it!
Never! We will meet again, and you weel know the power of Mexico Unlimited!
Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos charge the ring and start beating on DeRanged. Chang joins them. The managers now, it's five on one! No, now Pepe is coming with the ramp, and we all know what that means! El Spheros rolling down the aisle!
Pepe goes to the top turnbuckle...El Spheros up the ramp and Pepe jumps on him, rocketing him up near the ceiling of Marine Midland Arena!Chang lands on DeRanged, winding him considerably. Pepe now down with tremendous speed with a HUGE legdrop! It's seven-on-one! DeRanged just caught second wind and HE'S GOING BERSERK! He's chokeslamming everyone! We've gotta go right now, next week you'll see Distruct,
the Asylum Alliance and the Entertainment Industry will go at it, and hopefully much more, depending on challenges! Goodnight everybody, and until next week, keep your pants off!