Monday Nae Trous #35
En español donde sea disponible!
(Pan interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. Pyro guys in full effect, yet again.)
Welcome everyone to Monday Nae Trous! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden. With me
as always is Captain Twilight, and here's Jamal Tupac Mustafa,
much to the chagrin of everyone.
Hey, I resent that, V.
It's Angus to you. Or maybe "Mr. McMadden"...nah, been done. Anyway, what
a Canada Day Chaos card that was, eh folks? Who would have guessed that
B.F. Sack would become the #1 contender...when he already was?!
I suppose that's why they are the number one
contenders, Vince. It should be pointed out that he beat the champion,
Death, to do it; could this mean he's ready to get that belt
I think it's very possible. Well, we have a great show for you. I'd tell
you all the matches ahead of time, but we've decided to book on the fly
today, and see if our ratings don't go up.
This "battle of the anthropomorphs" is scheduled for
one fall. Currently in the ring, from St. John's, Nfld., he is...THE RED
(A man in a lobster suit is in the ring. He's shaking his own hands...er,
claws. Not much pop. His theme song, "Rock Lobster" by the B-52s, plays for
about ten seconds before being cut off.)
And his opponent, from Mutant Farms of North America, weighing in at 150
lbs. and accompanied to the ring by Pinhead, he is...THE DOOMSDAY
("Who Made Who" by AC/DC plays. A man with short red hair and an aquiline
nose does a little strut to the ring. Laughter is heard everywhere, some
at the Chicken, and some at the name "Pinhead".)
Pinhead is whipping out a book labelled "How to Hypnotize Poultry". Now he
pulls out a watch fob and is swinging it back and forth. The Chicken looks
in a trance. Pinhead says a few words we can't hear from here, and snaps
his fingers. That Chicken looks psyched up! He attacks the Red Snapper
What a concept: "battle of the anthropomorphs" - a
chicken versus a lobster. True, a red snapper is really a fish, but don't
tell him that. Pinhead may have a winner, though, if this hypnotism works.
Don't you agree, Jamal?
I'm thinkin' that maybe this Pinhead hyp'tized this
chicken fella inta thinkin' he's a chicken, then went with it from
Interesting theory. The Chicken with an armbar submission, but the
Snapper's claws aren't giving way that easily. The Snapper whips the
Chicken in the face with one of those antennae - if that's what they truly
are - and gets a warning for it. Chicken with an atomic drop. After the
drop is done, he pulls the Snapper right back for a German suplex! The
Snapper is down. D-Day KFC (as he also likes to be called) takes a
time-out to showboat: he jumps on a turnbuckle and yells "BACOCK!"
What's that sound? Sounds like about half our
viewers changing the channel.
Oh come now, Captain. If our ratings didn't plummet during the reign of
StreetMime, our ratings won't plummet for this guy. The Red Snapper grabs
a clawful of the Doomsday Chicken's beak-nose and twists. The ref is
warning him again.
Come on, why is the ref warning him so
He's warning the Red Snapper that any offensive
moves he makes will make the Chicken less over for his debut.
D-Day KFC with a flying shoulderblock! He goes to the top buckle...flying
crossbody dive! That's the Chicken Chunk Dive, his finisher. 1...2...and
the Doomsday Chicken is successful in his debut. Pinhead is ecstatic; his
hypnotism might just work after all.
Well, it WAS a debut match against a jobber. We'll
see if he gets anywhere else.
Here is your winner, THE DOOMSDAY
Slightly impressive debut for our first MBC import. The Vegas Connection
and Mira Maniac are representing the STWF over there, and we get him. I
have no clue if that's a fair trade, but hey. Our next match is for the
ICCTINACBBIC belt, as the Pencil-Necked Geek defends against Oni-San.
Wait, here come the Techie Salesmen from Hell. I guess they want to be ringside to support their
I don't think so. They're getting in the ring, and fighting
for the mic with our ring announcer. And it looks like it will take BOTH Bait
and Switch to get the upper hand here.
But Bait ends up with the mic, and he falls down from his
momentum. He's up now, and he's probably going to want to speak...
Bait: Ladies and germs, we have decided that nobody deserves to actually be
the ring announcer for the Geek's matches, so we're taking over whenever he
fights. Now Switch, if you would like to do the honors...
Switch: Ladies and germs!!!!! The following squash is scheduled for one fall,
no time limit needed due to the ease the Geek will win this match with, and is
supposedly for the ICCTINACBBIC belt! First, the would-be challenger. He
comes from someplace in Japan that nobody really cares about. He has a
manager. What's his name again?
Switch: That's right, So-sucky. He has defeated the likes of a Mexican child
and the perennial world title contender OddJobber. He's short and fat. He's
The unmitigated nerve of these two! Who do they think they are?
(Oni-San comes to the ring, looking rather miffed. Sasuke is waving the flag,
despite the fact that Japan is no longer in the World Cup.)
Switch: And now, he is the greatest wrestler in the STWF!!!! Ladies and
gentlemen, from Computers Unknown, he is accompanied to the ring by the
prettiest lady in wrestling, Edwina. Weighing in at a stacked one hundred and
fifteen pounds, please welcome the greatest champion in wrestling today. He
is the PENCIL...NECKED...GEEK!!!!
(The Geek enters to the Beer Barrel Polka. Edwina's hair is missing a pigtail,
but the other one is now made up ending in a spiked ball. More laughter, and again, the PNG tells them to shut up,
as he struts his stuff. The belt is around his waist, with most of the leather removed to fit him.)
Oni-San and Sasuke are both in the ring. They turn to face the Pencil-Necked Geek and Edwina.
Oh, no! Bait and Switch nail them from behind! What is that they have in their hands?
I'm no computer expert, but it looks like Macintosh Newtons.
Might as well use 'em for foreign objects, they ain't good for nuthin' else anymore.
Geek and Edwina join the fray. All four of the Tri-Lambda Group start pounding those two men.
Security is coming to take them all away. This match is over before it started. Oni-San with the DQ victory. The Tri-Lambs
are just about to be taken to the locker room, but I think PNG still has something to say.
PNG: Did you really think I would waste my time fighting someone as pathetic
as you? Maybe if you actually fight some quality opponents, and win, then you
will deserve a shot at my belt. Until then though, why don't you go back to
I can't stand this racist garbage.
PNG: Oh yeah, and one more thing. Seeing as how nobody can match my talents right now, and
I'll be the champ for a looooooong time, this belt is really uncomfortable, and doesn't support my
pants. Therefore, next time you see me, the ICCTINACBBIC belt will be melted down to make ICCTINACBBIC SUSPENDERS!
Can he do that?
I don't know. But I doubt that will stop him from trying. Perhaps if he loses the belt soon this fate can be avoided. Until then,
we might have to see golden suspenders from the Geek.
Alright, up next we have a debut match. Iceberg, the fourth man in the newest stable, the Total Annihilation Squad.
Stalker and Carnage are ready to heat up the tag team scene; but let's see how this singles competitor does.
This match is scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring first, accompanied by Rimshot, Janice and Larry Lowbrow,
from Atlantic City, New Jersey and weighing in at 287 lbs., PRESTO CADABRA!
("Abracadabra" by the Steve Miller Band plays. He walks to the ring, pausing to pull a chain of handkerchiefs out of his mouth. Mixed reaction, leaning to boos.)
And his opponent, from down the road...okay...weighing in at an impressive 471 lbs., here is ICEBERG!
("Machinehead" by Bush plays. Iceberg runs to the ring, wearing nothing but black underwear. I swear I don't make this stuff up. People are gasping in horror
at this disgusting behaviour.)
Oh, my! This borders on...um...this is...oh, I can't think of any words, but I know that I sure don't like it.
Fa once I gotsta agree with the Cap. You cain't go around wearin' nuttin' but underwear, and black at that.
What are you talking about? You're wearing a loincloth right now.
Well yeh, but there's a diffince.
Iceberg grabs Presto Cadabra for a hiptoss. Presto back up, and tries a clothesline, but the massive Iceberg moves out of the way.
Presto smacks Iceberg on the way back, but Iceberg doesn't move.
I'm not surprised. Iceberg is 7'2", 471, Presto's 6'5", 287. It'll take everything in Presto's bag of tricks to beat this monster.
Iiyeah. But lucky Presto got a lot of 'em.
Iceberg now with a gutwrench suplex. Iceberg makes the cover, but only a one-count. Iceberg picks up Cadabra and heaves him way over to the far buckle. Cadabra hits hard.
Iceberg charges the vulnerable Cadabra. Presto deftly maneuvers himself out of the way, and Iceberg smacks into the buckle himself. Small package by the magician! 1...2...no.
The man in black underwear looks angry at that.
With black underwear on, let's thank goodness angry is the only thing he's looking.
Watch where you step with that one...Der Kommissaar isn't one for connotations like that. Presto takes Iceberg to the top for a superplex. Iceberg reverses it for a bodypress
off the top. Cadabra looks in sorry shape. 1...2...no. Both men now up. Janice distracts the ref, and believe me, with her figure that's not difficult.
But we have easily-distracted refs anyway. It helps when bad guys wanna do illegal stuff to get over.
Presto Cadabra pulls out that lead wand of his and bashes Iceberg square on the noggin! Iceberg isn't fazed! Presto, ever quick to think...lowblow with the wand.
Serves him right for his choice of attire. Iceberg clutches the injured area and his knees buckle. Presto with a sleeper variation.
I don't think that's going to be effective on such a big guy. Iceberg seems to be feeling the effects of it though. He's swaying back and forth. Presto just clamps down harder. The ref
starts to lift the arm once...drops limply. Twice...arm drops again. Iceberg finally collapses...
He collapsed backward! Right on top of Presto!
The ref counts: 1...2...3! No way could Presto budge 471 lbs. of dead weight. Sure he's a strong guy, but that's just insane.
Here is your winner, ICEBERG!
Iceberg is being pulled up. He shakes off the sleeper and does some showboating.
Man, in his underwear? Put it away!
Carnage and Stalker join in the celebration. Larry Lowbrow takes the opportunity to start beating Carnage, and here comes Lester Leary to ringside
with the Golden Mic (TM)! He starts fighting with the Stalker.
This could turn into a full-fledged feud, if the Total Annihilation Squad didn't have so few members. They have three wrestlers and one manager.
The Entertainment Industry has seven wrestlers, a manager, a valet, a giant goat and a horse.
Cain't axe fo' mo' than that.
We'll be right back, after these short messages.
Will Superfly please contact Der Kommissaar, as your e-mail address is no longer working.
The vaguest rumours have blossomed. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, it may not happen at all...
but a new wrestler is coming, and he's going to push the boundaries of sports entertainment as we know it.
Big talk for a small guy, but believe us, when he enters the STWF, it'll never be the same.
THE SUNFLOWER. Coming soon to the STWF/CSTLL.
Hello! I bet YOU think that I'M Oliver Russell. But when you see me in my store...(steps into a phone booth, followed by a cheap special effect,
and comes out in a fencer's armor) I'M FENCEMAN! I take your stolen jewellery and FENCE IT. OH YEAH! I take your stolen Rolex and Cartier watches, and FENCE THEM.
OH YEAH! I even take goods damaged after a bungled heist, and I FENCE THEM. And I give you CASH to avoid the paper trail, because being above the law is my PASSION.
So come on down to my store and meet me, Oliver, FENCEMAN, Russell. OH YEAAAHHHHH!
Come now to a special PorkLand event: Symphony of Pyre. Eight teams from around the world compete in the ancient art of making the coolest sparks from tossing fat on the
barbecue. And of course, being PorkLand, when it's done, roast pig for everyone. Opening ceremonies begin soon, and three days later, the display from our first country, Malta.
PorkLand Symphony of Pyre. It smells like no other event on earth.
The ring is being cleared now. Nihongo Douryoku are set to face the Aboriginals. Oh hurray, more Rogue's Gallery nonsense.
The following tag team contest is set for one fall. Making their way to the ring first, accompanied by the Rogue, and Très Sheik, from the Nottatentik region
of Québec, with a combined weight of 512 lbs., Aboriginal 1, Aboriginal 2, THE ABORIGINALS!
Voiceover: You owe us. You owe us BIG.
(The native chants begin. The Aboriginals look as bad as ever in their lumberjackets stained with three brands of firewater. They offer some to kids in the audience,
but the parents are right there to prevent the corruption of the minors.)
And their opponents, representing Ganbariya and accompanied by Sasuke, they are Kabuki and the Great Noh, NIHONGO DOURYOKU!
(The Japanese national anthem plays. Sasuke is still waving the Japanese flag, but this time an audience member swipes it and replaces it with a Brazil flag before Sasuke even notices.)
Ganbariya getting full exposure today.
I wonder how Guan Yu and Zhang Fei must feel. They really are getting the short end of the stick here,
seeing as how Ganbariya is a foreign stable, leaving the Chinese wrestlers to the back burner.
Don't worry. Zhang Fei will be in action on Friday. Kabuki and Aboriginal 1 to begin things.
The Aboriginals are switchin' they strategy. A2 almost always starts things.
I still can't tell the difference. They're both completely brain-damaged from the abuse they do to their bodies. Look at that! A1 is just standing there drooling. Kabuki with a knife-edge chop.
A1 didn't even feel it!
I suppose there are pros to being in a state like the Aboriginals are. You feel much less pain.
Kabuki with a spinning heel kick. Aboriginal 1 falls down like a tree, knees not bending at all, arms still at sides. I doubt he knows he's on the mat now. He probably thinks it's night,
and the lights are the stars.
Thanx fo' the psychoanalysis, Docta McMadden.
No need to be that way, Jamal. Kabuki tries a cover: 1...2...the Rogue puts A1's foot on the rope. Kabuki tries to execute some holds,
but he can't seem to find any when A1 is that prone. Noh has been tagged in. He'll make this Native crack. He picks up A1 at the sides and slams him down for a spinebuster! Aboriginal 1 snaps out of it.
He looks around and sees he's in a match. One look at that Noh mask, and he runs to tag A2. A2 is equally oblivious. Noh takes him for a backbreaker. He now steps out of the ring and climbs the ropes.
Look out, there's Très Sheik! He blows the smoke from his hookah right at the Great Noh. That mask may protect a lot, but smoke can still penetrate the eyeholes. He falls off the top buckle, straddling the rope.
The crowd groans in sympathy.
That was one nasty fall. And one I've seen far too many times in my career.
The Rogue is screaming for A2 to follow up, but A2 is just wandering around. He's going to Sasuke's corner, where Sasuke is about to brain him with the flag.
I think he just noticed that the flag was switched! He's outraged! He tosses the flag aside and runs through the crowd, looking for his own flag, leaving Nihongo Douryoku without outside guidance.
Noh tags Kabuki back. Kabuki picks up A2 and takes him to the top rope. He's going for the Kaiten Kyobuko...he hits it! The cover: 1...2...3! Yes!
Oh, big deal. The Aboriginals couldn't win a fight if they lives depended on it.
That's true. I guess the Rogue will go and petition this as well, trying to get his Aboriginals "special status". Our final match is ready to take place, and it's a doozy:
The Tiger will face Wrestler Smurf for the North American Championship.
Hello? What was the whole point of Canada Day Chaos? Doesn't B.F. Sack get the shot this week?
I told you, this is on-the-fly booking. Wait, I'm being told that the Heavyweight Championship will take place next week, in a ladder match. Besides, the North American belt could use some defending.
The following contest is set for one fall. Making his way to the ring first, from Smurf Village, and we might as well accept that now, weighing in at 325 lbs., WRESTLER SMURF!
(The Smurf Dirge plays. The charred Smurfette is still in his arms, save the lock of plush hair which is undamaged. He weeps on the way to the ring, getting some boos, and some laughter.)
And his opponent, the STWF/CSTLL North American Champion, weighing in at 253 lbs., THE TIGER!
("Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays. He has the belt over his shoulder, and starts slapping some hands on the way down the aisle.)
The ref holds up the belt, checks the boots, and the...
Wrestler Smurf makes the first move with a big clothesline. An elbowdrop from the blue man misses its mark. The Tiger gets up, and a downward axe kick lands right on the back of the Smurf's head.
He rolls Wrestler Smurf over for the cover: 1...2...kickout. The Tiger picks up the Smurf. Vertical suplex attempted...
No way. The Smurf is too big for the Tiger to get him up this early.
You're right. He can't. He tugs again...no dice. Wrestler Smurf pulls off the successful vertical suplex. The Tiger bounces right up. He's looking frustrated! I expect he'll snap any second.
Y'see, that'd be a good strategy right there. Cause when ya got a nutcase like the blue man, th'only way ya can beat 'im is if you get jus' as crazy.
That was rather insightful. Thanks, Jamal. The Tiger with a leaping bodypress on the Smurf. The Smurf hits the mat. Tiger pounding away with closed fists. The ref warning him. But why should the Tiger care?
If he gets disqualified, the belt stays around his waist. But the Tiger is one to respect the ref's authority.
Even if he doesn't respect Der Kommissaar's.
Well, I can't blame him for not liking Der Kommissaar. He's unorganized, he has multiple conflicts of interest, he shunts work to other people that he SHOULD be doing himself...
oh dear, I think I'm going to get fired for that.
A'ight! I call head chair!
Fight you for it.
I'm not gone YET, if at all. The Tiger with an abdominal stretch. Smurf isn't feeling it too much, it seems.
The Tiger grabs the rope and the Smurf grimaces. The ref checks and doesn't see the Tiger withdraw the hand.
Tiger attempts it again to the same result. I think the ref's getting suspicious about the rope's vibrating in that manner.
The North American Champion tries it a third time. Now the ref sees it and orders the hold broken. Tiger complies from force of habit.
Jamal will probably agree with me on this one, but I believe that the Tiger should push all the boundaries of the rules that he can, because he has nothing to lose if he's DQed,
and EVERYTHING to lose if he doesn't watch himself.
Sure. The Tiger with a flying forearm. The cover: 1...2...no. The Tiger pulls up the Smurf and whips him to the rope. Wrestler Smurf with a big boot to the Tiger's head.
The Tiger drops. Wrestler Smurf picks him up....powerbomb! What a maneuver! The Smurf goes to the top rope, what's he going to do? Big splash? Big legdrop?
Be reasonable, Jamal. No way would Wrestler Smurf do a .... OH MY LORD, HE DID A MOONSAULT!
This has to be over. The cover: 1...2...Tiger just barely gets a shoulder up. The Tiger crawls to his feet, but is booted back down. All looks lost for our hero. But wait, here's B.F. Sack to the rescue!
There's light at the end of the tunnel for the Tiger!
Yeh, an' some pearly gates.
Sack is about to help out the Tiger (and cause a saving DQ), but here come ThatGuy, Mira Maniac and BILL! All three men are needed to fend off the former champion. But what business do they have in this match?
I would say it was because of the Bohemoth/Sack beef, but Bohemoth isn't at ringside, so that can't be it.
The Tiger is distracted by the fray outside, he's waving everyone away and asking the ref to do something...Wrestler Smurf cradles the Tiger and applies the singing crossface! The Tiger taps out, and we have a new champion.
Here is your winner, and NEEEEEW STWF/CSTLL North American Champion, WRESTLER SMURF!
Wrestler Smurf has the mic.
I don't understand it. I have this belt, but I don't feel any different. Gargamel's spell must be more powerful than anything I've ever seen.
But that's not important. LOOK AT MY SMURFETTE! Charred beyond belief. All that's left is this lock of hair. SMURFETTE, I LOVE YOU!
The crowd is booing this?
ThatGuy: Hey Smurf, we saw what happened, and we just want to congratulate you. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! And Mira here has something to say.
Mira Maniac: Smurf, since you got me that great present, I decided I just had to return the favour. Here you go.
What is that? Mira is reaching into a bag...it's another Smurfette doll. The hair might be dirty blonde and straighter, and the lips decidedly
more pouty, but it's a Smurfette just the same. Smurf is ecstatic, and he starts hugging the doll to more boos. He's even weeping again!
BILL: And hey, if you ever need some friends, you know where to find us. Because we know what you're going through, and with you by our side, we could be unstoppable! YEAAAHHHHH!
Wrestler Smurf: I don't know. I need some time, to discuss it with Smurfette.
ThatGuy: Take all the time you need. Come on gang, let's go.
As Wrestler Smurf sits weeping with the new Smurfette in his arms, and the belt across his knees, we must draw this Monday Nae Trous to a close.
On Friday, you'll see Zhang Fei as he tangles with the "kindler, gentler" Executioner. You'll see Très Sheik as he battles Tyrone Mayhem.
You'll see Mira Maniac battle Prisoner X. And the Friday debut of Sally Sleepy-Time, plus we just might hear more from the Sunflower, and returning tag team Generation X. For Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Captain Twilight,
this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, Keep your pants off!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre