Monday Nae Trous #34
En español donde sea disponible!
(Pan interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. Pyro guys in full effect, yet again.)
Welcome, gentlemen and lady, to Monday Nae Trous! We've got a good show ready and waiting for everyone.
ThatGuy and the Circus Freaks will take on Not Prisoner X and Milwaukee's Best in a six-man tag. Wrestler Smurf will answer BILL's challenge tonight!
The Techie Salesmen from Hell are in action tonight; they'll be rumbling with Nik at Nyte. And Tyrone Mayhem will face Superfly.
What, again?
Yes, again! Folks, that's Captain Twilight, you remember him. I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and WE'RE NOT WEARING PANTS!
Yo, neither am I, V.
Jamal Tupac Mustafa?! What are YOU doing here? Aren't you a Friday man now?
Can't get enough of a good thing, V. The fans love me!
I don't think "love" is the word you're looking for. That stuff they throw
at you aren't gifts. Well, we might as well get started. And what better
way to start off than with the...
(Lester Leary starts singing "That Old Black Magic"
as Presto Cadabra and Janice come to the ring.)
They're not scheduled to be here!
Ssshh! I'm trying ta listen ta this, V.
Presto: Now, a lot of you are saying, "Hey! What's Presto doing up
there?" Well, I'll tell you. A lot of you fans out there seemed a little
TOO impressed at the way the Tiger racked Bohemoth to win the North
American Championship. Therefore, I'll prove, without a shadow of a doubt,
that I've got the best rack in town!
(Janice clears her throat)
Oh yeah, next to Janice of course. Sorry, dear. Ladies and gentlemen, I
propose to put the "saw you in half" torture rack on none other
than...GARY "THE GLUTTON" GOURMANDO!
He can't be serious! He'll break his back doing
that!
I think Cadabra can do it. He got da magic
touch.
Gary's coming to the ring now. He tosses away a bucket of popcorn and gets
ready to be put in the rack. Presto's looking pumped. He's doing some deep
breathing...he puts his arms around Gary, ready to lift in rack
position...
Oh, I cain't watch! Aw, who'm I kiddin', course I
can!
He's got the rack on! Look at Presto's shoulders strain! Gary looks to be
in pain as well. Janice is standing and posing. Displaying Presto's power.
And there's the tap-out! Presto Cadabra has successfully racked Gary
Gourmando!
Presto's just gone up a notch in my book.
I think the whole Industry has, after that.
Presto: Thanks Gary. Now...Verschwinden Sie!
(Presto waves his wand and Gary disappears in a puff of smoke.)
Tiger? Ball's in your court now. Let's see you beat that, if you can!
Ahahaha!
(waves the wand again. Janice and Presto vanish in another puff of smoke.
Lester Leary trundles off to the locker room.)
That was sufficiently stupid.
And the first match is ready to get underway. As I tried to say before,
what better way to start a card than with a BILL match? He fights Wrestler
Smurf.
This contest is set for one fall. First, from
Springfield, Illinois, the man who needs no introduction (nor deserves
one)...BILL!
(The 1812 Overture plays. Some boos. BILL looks psychotic, yelling at the
crowd.)
And his opponent, from Smurf Village (or maybe not), weighing in at 325
lbs., here is WRESTLER SMURF!
(The Smurf Dirge plays. More boos. The blue man looks even more psychotic,
and clutches the charred remains of Smurfette. Only a small lock of blonde
plush hair looks undamaged.)
***bell rings.
Alright! BILL has gained a lot of attention lately. After much
complaining, Wrestler Smurf finally acknowledged him and challenged him.
BILL seems happy to get these matches, even if in my opinion, he has no
hope in hell.
Well, Vince, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, but
in this case, he's going to get a full lube job and more!
Don't go there, Cap.
Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. You young'uns
and your need to make a connotation out of everything.
Wrestler Smurf whips BILL to the ropes. BILL comes back, Smurf attempts a
clothesline, but BILL ducks it. BILL bouncing on the ropes, Wrestler Smurf
tries a dropkick, but gets only air, as BILL hangs on to the ropes.
Good defensive strategy by BILL. He's really doing
his homework!
BILL with a sitting sleeper on Wrestler Smurf. Not much will be inflicted
though, as Smurf is a much bigger man. Smurf powers out of the sleeper and
applies one of his own! BILL with a jawbreaker, and both men are now on
the mat.
BILL's impressin' the hell outta me. Three minutes,
an' BILL still ain't been pinned, or even got an injury!
BILL really playing it safe in this match. Smurf crawls to his feet first.
He picks up BILL. Fallaway slam by the blue man.
That's the first maneuver the Smurf has successfully
completed thus far. Let's hope he can continue the momentum.
Wrestler Smurf with a backbreaker! And now BILL on the canvas, Smurf is
grinding a fist into that broken nose. BILL is still wearing that
apparatus, as you can plainly see, but...wait! Smurf is removing that
apparatus! Wrestler Smurf lifting a fist high - BILL's nose could very
well be disintegrated right here on Monday Nae Trous!
Yeah! Ain't it great? And you thought this match
would suck.
The ref stopping Smurf from what he was about to do. BILL takes the time
to put his noseguard back on. And a flying bodypress by BILL! He's
pounding away, the ref trying to warn BILL about the closed fists. BILL
complies and switches to slaps.
Oh my! BILL is actually on the offensive! What could
possibly happen next?
It's Canada Day Chaos season. Things will get mighty unpredictable around
here. Who would have thought Death would become champion, for example?
BILL makes the first cover of this match: 1...2...kickout. BILL
actually seems happy he got a two count! And hey, I would be too. Wrestler
Smurf is a strong competitor, he's poised to get that North American belt,
with some application. Smurf gets up. Smurf picks up BILL and
shoulderbreaker! The cover: 1...2...and BILL gets a foot on the ropes.
That was a close one!
Man, what's gotten inta BILL? This is the best match
I've eva seen from 'im. I still think Smurf'll win, but...
Yes, I think he's been getting some extra training
in.
If you two are done insinuating, and trying to set up some goofy angle,
let's call the rest of the match. Wrestler Smurf with a fisherman's
suplex, and BILL looks drained from that one. Smurf is dragging him to the
center of the ring. No place to hide now, BILL! No place at all. There it
is! His crossface finisher-slash-annoying song, the "Lalalalalala". BILL
laughing?
Curious. Why isn't BILL tapping out?
I dunno, V, this all seems a little
familiar.
Don't be silly. Everyone knows that STWF matches never imitate those in
other feds.
*cough* *cough* What was that, Vince? For a minute I
thought I would hack up a lung.
Pleasant scenario there. The ref is now lifting BILL's arms.
Once....twice....three times. Wrestler Smurf wins, but BILL never gave
up!
Here is your winner, WRESTLER SMURF!
Wow. What a great first match. I'd say great start, but Presto ruined that
bigtime.
In action next, the Techie Salesmen from Hell will
take on Nik at Nyte, in what should be a good solid match. The Techies,
the sneakiest wrestlers around, and also technically sound. Nik at Nyte,
rookies with boatloads of potential, and an entire industry at ringside.
But the Vegas Connection always seem so jealous of them. Sure the
Connection were former champs, and are active in two other feds. But they
see something in the other tag team that makes them squirm. Let's cut to
Announcer Lad now.
This tag team contest is set for one fall. Making
their way first, representing the Entertainment Industry and accompanied
by Rimshot and "Black" Jack Dealer, from TV Land, here are Darren #3 and
Rodney Ricardo, NIK AT NYTE!
("Love is All Around" raps out. The two appear in their
oddly-coloured Armani suits. Rimshot wheels behind, and Jack Dealer
strides confidently by the rear. He pulls out a razorcard and begins
trimming his fingernails with it.)
Aw, that's ill! Those razorcards cain't be clean
after cuttin' up people's flesh!
He has tons of those cards. Some are bound to be
sterile.
I still have the deck he gave me at Unscented. Minus the card with which I
used to slice B.F. Sack's leg. He still isn't talking to me. They are
remarkably clean, and not bad for shaving.
And their opponents, representing the Tri-Lambda
Group, accompanied by Edwina, from Silicon Valley in the 6th Circle of
Hell, here are Bait and Switch, the TECHIE SALESMEN FROM HELL!
(The five-note jingle from Intel Inside plinks over and over again, much
to the frustration of everyone in attendance. Bait is holding up a sign
featuring the Windows 98 box, in a red circle with a line through
it.)
***bell rings.
Okay, Switch to start with Darren #3. I've received a memo here: I'm
supposed to remind everyone to watch Rodney Ricardo in "The Cheap Excuse",
which will be running for the sixteenth time, directly after this program.
It's "Movies for Guys Who Are Too Lazy To Change the Channel or Do
Something Constructive". And Darren #3 has a part as "Second Thug" in the
Disney feature, "I Got the Hicc-Ups", featuring rapper-gone-mainstream
Funk E. Cool.
Man, I hate that guy! He used to be phat, but now he
jus'....flat. All he eva does is rap in rhymin' couplets now, with a cheap
backbeat, and a *shudder* positive message.
I think that's exactly what "going mainstream"
means, Jamal.
Please, we have a match to call; it's already quite underway. Darren #3
with a crossbody. The cover: 1...kickout. Switch tags out to Bait. Bait
with a series of chops. And a Russian legsweep! Bait moves in for a
figure-four leglock! Darren #3 is reaching to Rodney. He's inching
in...it's not happening. Bait pulls him back. Bait grabs Darren's head and
rams it to the mat. He now tosses him outside.
Yes! Outta-da-ring action comin' our way!
Bait takes D3, and flings him into the ringsteps. The dull "clunk" says it
all. Edwina right there, laying a few kicks on Darren. Now she's choking
him with one of her pigtails!
Jack Dealer will have none of it. He pulls out a
razorcard and slices off the foreign object that is Edwina's hair. Edwina
looks stunned!
She certainly does. The Pencil-Necked Geek will certainly have something
to say about that. Nobody messes with Edwina without facing Geek
wrath.
Aw, V, I think Edwina has wrath enough without
needin' Geek to add any more.
Jack Dealer now, going off to the locker room with Edwina's pigtail.
Edwina running right behind, and the Techies now have no ringside
support!
You say that as if it's an important point, and
they'll need that support later.
Read ahead.
(mumble mumble) Bait (mumble mumble) Ganbariya
(mumble mumble mumble) flag (mumble) DQ....oh.
Are you tryin' to tell me that Ganbariya is
SCHEDULED to interfere in this match? Because that ain't in my
notes.
No, Jamal, of course not. Your notes contain everything you need to
know. Captain Twilight and I made sure of that.
Oh. 'Scool.
Switch is now the legal man. In the ring action again. Darren #3 is being
choked with the tag rope. Now it looks like Switch is setting up for the
MILLENNIUM CRASH!
And what an impressive maneuver it is. I just hope
Nik at Nyte know COBOL, maybe they can learn to counter it.
COBOL? No, he isn't going to be around here. He hasn't even signed with
the Image Factory.
Oh, you're clueless, never mind.
And from the crowd, here comes Ganbariya! Oni-San is distracting Bait...
just as the Crash is about to be applied, there's Sasuke with the flag!
Switch and Darren both fall. The Great Noh takes Switch to the top rope,
with a Noh bomb! The manager calls for the bell, but Noh doesn't care!
What a nutcase.
I'll tell 'im you said that, V.
You would, you little snitch.
Ooh, big words, old man.
I beat your butt in the ring once, and I can do it
again.
Guys, please! There's a brawl in the ring, it's more interesting than you
two bickering. Ganbariya is still attacking the Techie Salesmen from Hell.
Kabuki is just dancing in the ring now, fluttering his fan like he was
Karl Lagerfeld or something. Nik at Nyte must be pretty disappointed that
they lost by DQ, they were really on a roll. Besides, the Vegas Connection
aren't far behind, and they could honestly make a belt run if N@N don't
shape up.
Here are your winners, as a result of a
disqualification, THE TECHIE SALESMEN FROM HELL!
Rimshot doesn't seem to mind too much. After all, it wasn't Nik at Nyte's
fault. And they're getting the money anyway. We're subjected to this
idiotic theme song again. Well, the action is clearing, but we'll take a
short break.
Promotional consideration paid for by the following:
(Cut to a group of young ladies, and one guy. One of the girls starts
singing.)
This is my guy. He's hanging with the World Cup throng.
And though he TRIES to give me beer, I think it's just too strong.
That beer's for boys, beer my stomach just can't stand.
I need something cold, but not really bold, can we drink their beers?
NO!
(She holds up a pastel pink beer can)
This is our beer.
Now there's Beer For Girls!
Voiceover: Beer For Girls - only 1 percent alcoholic content. And it comes
with a plastic umbrella to put in your glass (because we know you're too
refined to drink it from the can). Coming soon: the 6-percent Beer For
Canadian Girls.
And we're back. Oh yes, there was one more commercial, for
1-600-YES-CREDIT. Unfortunately, it didn't pass this channel's censor
board, because it featured women faking orgasms. I have to read this, but
I'll paraphrase: "Yes, you too can have credit. Just call
1-600-YES-CREDIT. That's 1-600-YES-CREDIT. Yes, yes, yes, yes, oh God yes,
1-600-YES-CREDIT.
And this didn't pass the censor board, you
say?
I can't figure it out either.
Tyrone Mayhem is in the ring. We're awaiting Superfly now.
And his opponent, from Los Angeles, CA, weighing 265
lbs., here is SUPERFLY!
("My One Prison" by Creed plays. Small reaction, mostly positive. The
bigger reaction however, is for Zhang Fei, who nails Superfly from
behind.)
Tyrone: This is wack! I'm sick o' these no-contests!
Tyrone is getting out of the ring. He's actually HELPING Superfly out, and
he puts the Smackdown on Zhang Fei. Not difficult, because Fei is a good
six inches shorter than Mayhem. Here come Guan Yu and manager Liu Bei!
Superfly grabs Guan Yu and puts him in the Superdogg! Both Guan Yu and
Zhang Fei are motionless on the ground. Liu Bei is begging off and runs
back to the locker room.
Hey, where's that panda? I liked his
style.
I'll bet you did. Tyrone and Superfly are about to enter the ring.
***bell rings.
Tyrone and Superfly lock up. Why is the ref stopping them?
Ladies and gentlemen, the result of this match, a
DOUBLE COUNT-OUT!
What? Captain Twilight, did you hear the first bell ring?
I can barely hear as it is.
Jamal?
I was busy checkin' out that hottie in the fourth
row. Man, she's all that!
First of all, you should be paying attention to the match. Second, that's
a drag queen. You can tell by the legs.
Life is harsh.
Tyrone and Superfly look at each other, then rush the ref! Look at the
zebra run! Perhaps a new respect between these two has been forged,
because they sure as heck aren't getting anywhere with these
no-clear-winner matches.
I couldn't agree more, Vince. Tyrone Mayhem and
Superfly are great competitors, and either one could pose quite a
challenge to the Geek, and make good champions if they got the belts. I
don't know what was going on with...wait a minute. That ref...is that who
I think it is?
What? Is it Raoul Ramon Ramirez up to his old
tricks?
Not this time. It looked like...the Pencil-Necked Geek. Can we get a
replay on that for a better look? No? It figures. Der Kommissaar spends a
bundle on the Monstron, and doesn't hire a guy to do replays.
That's quite enough Kommissaar bashing for one
year.
We ain't neva gonna stop bashin' 'till he knows his
role.
His role is to sign your paychecks, so shut your mouth! The final contest
is just about to start.
This six-man tag team contest is set for one fall.
Making their way towards the ring first, representing the Asylum
Alliance, with a combined weight of 827 1/2 lbs., here are Sasquatch,
Dizzy Desi and ThatGuy!
("Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill" plays. The Freaks enter first to
great cheers. The wheelbarrow man enters next, with ThatGuy in tow. He
dumps ThatGuy at ringside and runs off again, clicking his heels. The
crowd goes wild.)
And their opponents, representing the Inner Circle, collectively weighing
840 lbs., here are Beast, Beast Light and Not Prisoner X!
("Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns `n' Roses plays. Not Prisoner X enters
first, sneaking around, looking left and right. The tag champions enter
next to a great pop. They stand on the turnbuckles to many camera
flashes.)
Well, Milwaukee's Best managed to get another week
without defendin' their belts. I think it's SICK, V. They gotta put 'em
UP!
They will, relax. Soon enough, they will. Beast and Dizzy-D to start
things off. Beast with a Russian legsweep. Dizzy jumps up and laughs at
him. Wow, what arrogance!
There's a reason he's a part of the Asylum Alliance.
He just crossed the line between arrogance and outright
stupidity.
Beast with a crescent kick to the head. Never would have guessed that
coming. Irish whip by Beast to the ropes, clothesline missed, he catches
Dizzy on the second run and belly-to-belly that you could hear from the
rafters.
Oh, so THAT'S what the mics under the mat is
for.
Very funny. Double-D with a spinning heel kick. Beast goes to the mat.
Spinning toehold by Dizzy. Beast tags Not-X, who kicks Dizzy in the head
while the toehold is still applied. NPX and Dizzy Desi are the legal men.
Not Prisoner X with a short clothesline. And now he's doing the Garvin
Stomp!
Are they still doing that? Oh, that takes me
back.
Dizzy tags out to Sasquatch. If anyone knows from stomping, it's him. Look
at his feet! They're 36" long! And the Saskatchewan Stomp is devastating,
quite a few here have suffered bruised or cracked ribs because of that man
right there.
Who, Not Prisoner X?
NO! Sasquatch! What's wrong with you? Anyway... Sasquatch has Not Prisoner
X by the neck...the crowd is giving its approval...chokeslam! Now he turns
Not-X upside down. Are we going to see a kneeling piledriver?
No. Lookit ThatGuy an' Dizzy. They discouragin' him,
yellin' about "it's been done" an' "copyright infringement".
I had no idea one could copyright a sequence of moves. Sasquatch gives
Not-X a bearhug. I don't know why he does this so often, people always die
laughing because his fur makes everyone ticklish.
That's da point. It's like a tickle torture, while
yo' ribs are gettin' da beating.
Maybe, this is the STWF/CSTLL. Who am I to judge? Not Prisoner X escapes
the hold, winded. He gives Sasquatch a back kick. The cover: 1...kickout.
He throws Sasquatch out of the ring and tags Beast Light. Light wasting no
time. Springboard plancha off the top rope!
What a great move!
I agree!
And it would have been even better if he actually
hit Sasquatch!
I think so too! But it was still a nice move. Sasquatch removing the
padding at ringside. Looks like he'll use that kneeling piledriver if it's
the last thing he does. CRUNCH!
Put those chips away, Vince. And you tell US not to
eat in the announcers' booth.
Sorry. Both men back in the ring. Beast Light with a dropkick. To the
middle rope...no, the top rope! Moonsault! The cover: 1....2...no. Beast
Light may be aching from that piledriver, but he's showing no signs now!
Sasquatch about to make the tag to ThatGuy. He's working the crowd, ready
to tag, waiting for more approval. They're going nuts! The tag is made,
and this place explodes!
ThatGuy with an armdrag takedown. ThatGuy with an elbowdrop. He takes
Beast Light by the legs. It's his patented figure-12 leglock! Oh, the
agony! The excrutiating....oh wait, Light gets to the ropes and yawns.
And you called Dizzy arrogant. ThatGuy with a German suplex, the cover:
1...2...kickout. ThatGuy with another one: 1...2...no. Beast Light tags
Not Prisoner X back in. ThatGuy seems ready for him. Eye gouge by ThatGuy!
He wants to take off the mask! The crowd is yelling for him to do so.
Not-X stops it by kicking ThatGuy in the groin. ThatGuy's eyes are
watering - that was a MASSIVE kick. Not Prisoner X with a DDT. Not-X sets
up ThatGuy and a BIG powerbomb. ThatGuy is dazed from that low blow, which
I might add is highly illegal here, but the ref never cared about the
rules before, so why should he start now? Not Prisoner X is going for a
camel clutch!
You know, that move looks eerily similar to the
Lockdown. If I didn't know better...
Captain, he's not Prisoner X. Doesn't his name mean anything to you?
Seems a little defensive, but apart from that,
no.
ThatGuy not submitting. Wait...coming down to ringside...it's BILL! What's
HE doing here?
I have no idea. You think BILL joined the Inner
Circle?
Only one way to find out. BILL grabs a steel chair. Sasquatch steps into
the ring to distract the ref. BILL runs in and NAILS Not Prisoner X right
on the noggin! He rolls ThatGuy over onto the masked Inner Circle-ite.
The ref turns around and counts:
1...2...3!
The winners of this match, the Circus Freaks and
ThatGuy!
And lookie here, it's the newest member of the
Asylum Alliance...BILL! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Now we're
even stronger, and you're even less safe! YOU'RE NOT SAFE!
YOU'RE NOT SAFE!! YOU'RE NOT SAFE!!!
That's one way to get the crowd over. Well, that's it for all our matches,
but before we go, the Canada Day Chaos names have all been drawn. Let's
look at all the first matches. Six matches, twelve teams.
Match 1:
Bohemoth/Executioner/Khorne vs. Tiger/NPX/Maniac
Match 2:
Mayhem/Stalker/Carnage vs. Beast/Guan Yu/BILL
Match 3:
Iceberg/Sasquatch/Geek vs. Zhang Fei/ThatGuy/"Black" Jack Dealer
Match 4:
Switch/Sugarplum Harry/"mystery entrant" vs. B.F.Sack/Tito/Death
Match 5:
Larry Lowbrow/Kabuki/Superfly vs. El Spheros/Oni-San/Rodney Ricardo
Match 6:
John Whopper/Wrestler Smurf/Très Sheik vs. Gruff/Doomsday
Chicken/"mystery entrant #2"
Wow! Sack and Death working together! Lowbrow fighting Rodney Ricardo! And
how will BILL's Asylum involvement affect his getting along with Beast?
And whoh will the mystery entrants be? We'll find out at Canada Day Chaos.
Until then, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, keep your pants off!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo
Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre