Monday Nae Trous #33
En español donde sea disponible!
(Pan interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. Sugarplum Harry and
Grady do a little dance to start the show.
The pyro guys have the sparklers and flare guns, as always.)
WELCOME TO MONDAY NAE TROUS! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and with me is
Captain Twilight. And WE'RE NOT WEARING PANTS! Okay, we've got a pretty
good show lined up for you...
Yeah, I don't know if we can compare to last week,
or even the Friday Friday Friday. Our budget is running a little low, but
we'll do what we can to keep you from switching to the MBC show, or
Don't knock the Mighty Bastard Championship, they're bringing some talent
here, starting with the Doomsday Chicken.
The what?! As if we don't have enough nonhuman
("Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill blares over the PA. The wheelbarrow man with the paper bag
over his head brings the infamous ThatGuy to the ring. The crowd chants
"You're Not Safe". ThatGuy drinks a bottle of sulphuric acid and smashes
it over his head to loud cheers.>
YOU'RE NOT SAFE!
(Crowd goes berserk. To prove this
point, the camera closes in on a guy in a brown viking
costume. He's holding his right wrist with his left hand and
barking like a dog.)
Okay, okay. Thanks, but I have some business to
take care of. Mira Maniac? Would you mind joining me in the ring please?
(Maniac walks to the ring, with Vito not far behind.)
Hi, Maniac. As you might remember, last week on Nae Trous I fought Zebulon
for the chance to stay in the Asylum or go on thirty-day probation.
After the show, he brought up a good point. What about you? Or everyone
else in the Asylum for that matter? Well, Bohemoth is a former champion,
just ended on Friday, and is a contender for the big belt. As for the
Circus Freaks, they're a tag team and I have no jurisdiction.
That leaves you. I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you the same thing I
gave Zebulon. Beat me, and you're Asylum for life. I beat you, you're gone
for thirty days. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! And Vito? You interfere...and you'll
(echoed by audience) YOU'RE NOT SAFE!!!
Maniac: I'm ready to prove myself, um...ThatGuy.
ThatGuy seems to be on some sort of power trip. But I'm not going to say
that around him. Mira Maniac with a shoulderblock on ThatGuy. ThatGuy
responds with a clothesline! ThatGuy whips Maniac to the ropes. Maniac
attempts a crossbody, but ThatGuy is right there and he's slammed right
back down. ThatGuy covers: 1...2...kickout by Maniac. Maniac is up, he's
Maybe he'll snap and make this match more
interesting. All Asylum guys do some form of the snap.
Maniac with a fury of lefts and rights. A drop toehold, and Maniac is
working ThatGuy over with a kneelock submission!
That ought to impress Mira. If she's watching of
course. I hear rumours that she's not much of a wrestling fan, and thinks
it's *gasp* fake!
Oh, that's what all the celebrities say to avoid being mocked. ThatGuy
reaches the ropes. ThatGuy with a headbutt! ThatGuy with a powerslam!
ThatGuy covers: 1...2....and a half. ThatGuy pulls Mira Maniac up by the
The ref warns ThatGuy. Maniac executes a brain buster! What an
A pretty back-and-forth match, I'd say. Maniac is
really holding his own against this legend. I'll even go out on a limb and
say Maniac pulls the upset.
That's pretty bold of you. Maniac with a face rake, but ThatGuy just
snickers at him and slingshots him to the corner buckle. ThatGuy is making
the sign for the HIDEOUS FINGER BITE!!!
Did I say Maniac with the upset? I meant he'll be
upset when he has to go on probation.
Bandwagon jumper. I bet you already bought your Brazilian flag for the
World Cup this year.
Well, Malta isn't in it this year, so I might as
well go for the next best thing.
You're a very strange old man, Captain Twilight. ThatGuy has Maniac in the
Hideous Finger Bite. Maniac is calmer than usual - maybe he's trying to
slow his heart so he doesn't lose much blood. Wait! Maniac just smacked
ThatGuy on the nose! And now an eye gouge! ThatGuy releases the hold and
covers his face. Maniac just escaped the Bite! While ThatGuy is dazed,
Maniac picks him up, and THE REPLACEMENT KILLER! Oh wow. The cover:
1...2...3! Mira Maniac has done it!!! I don't believe it.
Here is your winner, MIRA MANIAC!
Like I said Mira with the upset.
This will really establish Mira Maniac as a serious contender. ThatGuy is
smiling and raising Maniac's hand in victory. Vito is in the ring and
clapping. They all leave, all happy like. Aw...isn't that sweet.
Be careful, you're stepping into dangerous waters
with that word.
I wonder how we can keep the momentum up.
The best way I can think of is to pander to the
pubscent male demographic.
You don't mean...
(As if on cue, Gratuitous Tina's theme song, "I Draw
the Ratings", comes on, and she enters, wearing a Denver Nuggets jersey.
Obnoxious hooting and howling abounds.)
Oh yeah, I think we're being broadcast on the Meiger County Fox
*giggle* Thanks. Allow me to introduce now, my main
man, the Sugar Daddy, His Sweetness, The Candyman....SWEET CANDY
Voiceover: Man, my chocolate's SOOOOOOOOO sweet!
("Stayin' Alive" pumps over the PA. Andy enters,
flanked by Mad Onna and Mona Money, also wearing Denver Nuggets
Andy: Yo, listen up, cause I gots a lot ta say. First of all, Pimp of
tha Year. Where are you, 'cause I ain't left. We gots bidniss to settle,
and I ain't quittin' 'till there's one pimp and one pimp only 'round the
STWF. Nex'. Colonel "Pops" Khorne. Wassup witchoo? I ain't neva had no
problems witchoo before, but now y'all goin' round, sayin' "I'm Sweet
Candy Khorne!" Now thass jus' not right, yo. Just quit it now, and I'll
forgive y'all. You keep copyin' my name, and I'll lay the Flyin' Pimp Slap
on y'all so hard y'all will wish y'all was back in Vietnam! Yo. Now I also
heard there's some guy in the Image Factory calls himself Disco King. Yo,
thass cool wit' me an' all. But he wants ta use "Stayin' Alive" as his
theme song, and that ain't right either, yo. Now I know, y'all wanna be
jus' like me, 'cause I gots da bidniss and da b<-BLEEP->ches. But it jus'
ain't happ'nin', so y'all jus' give it up! Okay, I'm done, I'll let
Gratuitous Tina and the other honeys entertain y'all for a while. Thass
why y'all paid the increased price on yo' tickets.
(The three girls do some dancing to more obnoxious hooting and howling.
All of a sudden, BILL appears. The girls stop.)
BILL: Ladies, I appreciate what you're trying to do with our sports
entertainment, but I really must object. You come out of nowhere and get
all this time to talk about nothing, mainly stuff you could say on your
spare time with Announcer Lad and the Kamera Kid? What about me? What
Andy: Now BILL, you don't want nunadiss.
BILL: Oh, I think I do...
Oh, no he didn't! The crowd is cheering for BILL! Sweet Candy Andy looks
shocked, and takes off his wraparound shades, hat and cloak, ready to
fight. BILL looks ready too. The ref makes a motion to the timekeeper
Sweet Candy Andy dominates early on with a hiptoss and a legdrop. And
another legdrop! BILL tries to get up. He's limping, so what else is new?
BILL with an enzuigiri! What a maneuver.
This match has no angle potential. Who's going to
believe that BILL vs. Sweet Candy Andy will ever make it past the first
third of a PPV?
I suppose you're right, but let's just enjoy. Sweet Candy Andy with a
snapmare takeover. He picks up BILL, belly-to-back attempted, but BILL
lands on his feet, and rolls up Andy: 1...2...and Andy kicks out. He's not
That's rare, for someone who has so many women
hanging around him.
I'll say. Andy whips BILL to the ropes, BILL prepares to run back, but
-no!- Mona Money trips him. BILL lands badly; I think he broke his
Yup, that's a broken nose alright. I've seen plenty
of 'em in my sixty-five years of wrestling. Broken noses, cauliflowered
ears, popped eyes...
Oh YEAH! We were a lot more hardcore back then. We
had to be; microphones weren't much in use at the time. We had to let our
extreme violence get us over, as opposed to repetitive interviews that
make references to our gonads.
I see. Sweet Candy Andy sees BILL not going anywhere. The Flying Pimp Slap
only works when people are standing. So what will Andy do? He has BILL in
a nosehold! He's grinding away. BILL can't stand the pain! He submits, and
rightfully so. He'll need to wear a goofy-looking apparatus for a while, I
Wimp. We didn't need eyepatches after we were
Here is your winner, as a result of a
submission...SWEET CANDY ANDY!
BILL is yelling and stomping around, then he stops, realizing he's
aggravating his condition. He walks off to the locker room, holding his
nose. We'll be right back, after a brief montage of our Image Factory
This is a brand new strategy, folks. Normally, we
won't acknowledge someone's existence on a Nae Trous until they've
officially graduated. But times change.
The Image Factory: Home of potential gimmick-oriented wrestlers, and
assorted archetypes. Let's take a look at who we've got...
Meet Iceberg. A massive competitor - 7'2" and 471 lbs. "I'm not a
bigger, slower version of Glacier! HONEST!" he says.
And look, here's the Disco King, as mentioned by Sweet Candy Andy
just minutes ago. Those goldfish platforms look pretty
stylin', don't they? Yeah. And check out the leapin' 'fro! Groovy. "I'm
not a black version of Disco Inferno! HONEST!" he says.
Take a look at "Sexy Shawn B." Bald, beautiful? Hey, women think Patrick
Stewart is sexy for some reason; they ought to find this guy a real treat.
Here's the newest tag team in the Image Factory: Nihongo Douryoku -
Japanese theatre performers. Kabuki and the Great Noh want those belts,
and maybe find a new audience while they're here. Entertainment Industry
watch out: there's a new act in town!
Finally, we come to the dregs of the Image Factory: Donnie Da Costa. He's
been burning up the other wrestling ranks, and you might remember him as
Distruct. Now, if he could only roleplay, maybe he'd get somewhere in the
STWF. From now on, name recognition means squat.
But wait, there's one more in the Image Factory, in a league all his
(Footage of some woman holding her cheeks in horror)
He's a chicken, I tell you, A CHICKEN!!!
(Cut to Pinhead, announcer in the Mighty Bastard Championship and D-Day KFC's manager)
Oh, but this is no ORDINARY chicken. This is the Doomsday Chicken, and
he's ready to make his way up the pecking order in the STWF. Are you man
enough to face the Doomsday Chicken? Or are you...chicken?
THE DOOMSDAY CHICKEN.
Coming soon to the STWF.
Now, did we ASK for the Doomsday Chicken, or did he
come of his own free will, in this STWF/MBC working agreement?
Next subject. We have a debut right now. Guan Yu will take on Hammond Egger.
Oh boy. Here's a winner. A Hammond Egger match.
We know you've grown cynical in your old age, but this IS the best way to get guys over...
jobber matches. So quiet, and like it, 'cause we're not changing it.
This contest is set for one fall. Currently in the ring, Hammond Egger! No entrance
for you, jobber boy.
And his opponent, from Ping Yuan, People's Republic of China, accompanied by Liu Bei, and weighing in at 225 lbs.,
here is Guan Yu!
("March of the Volunteers" plays. Liu Bei enters first, followed by Guan Yu, in the painted face and spiked helmet.
Little reaction, but hey, it's a debut.)
Alright, Guan Yu set to hook up with Hammond Egger, our effeminate pastry chef. Yu with an armdrag takedown. Yu now, grapevines the leg.
Egger looks in pain, but Guan Yu releases the hold. Guan still working that leg, with a half Crab. Guan with a legdrop! Hammond Egger is in trouble.
So what else is new?
Guan Yu with a sidewalk slam. The cover: 1...2...and Guan Yu pulls him up!
That's classic wrestler arrogance. It happens a lot. And why not? Not every match can be thirty seconds long.
Guan Yu stands up Hammond Egger. He's stamping his foot - could this be his finisher already? YES! That stepping side kick to the groin I've heard
so much about. The Black Dragon kick.
I thought that was illegal.
I doubt it. Not much is illegal in the STWF. Hammond Egger is down...the cover: 1...2...3. And Guan Yu with a nice victory, if short.
You mean the match, or him?
Yes. Guan Yu has the mic, I think he wants to say something.
Guan Yu: You are all <-BLEEP->ses! I'll kick all of your <-BLEEP->ses! <-BLEEP-><-BLEEP-><-BLEEP-><-BLEEP-><-BLEEP-><-BLEEP->
What is this, Morse code? My ears hurt!
Okay, here's our final match coming your way. The Rogue demanded this match get main event status, even though it certainly doesn't deserve it.
In fact, this must be one of our weakest shows ever! Col. "Pops" Khorne is set to fight the Tibetan Monk, who we believe is just making a brief stopover here.
Looks like a one-fight game, to me.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way to the ring, accompanied by Dali Lama, from the Himalayan Mountains, here is the TIBETAN MONK!
(The chants begin. They enter. Dali Lama holds up the crucified effigy of Friar "Buck". Some boos.)
And his opponent, from St. Louis, Missouri, representing the Rogue's Gallery...
Here is...COLONEL "POPS" KHORNE!
Voiceover: I give you a crack, and leave you with jack!
(Rogue's Gallery theme plays. He enters to huge boos. The Rogue follows to
even louder boos.
Khorne is still selling popcorn, he'll never give that up.)
The Monk with a double jump kick to the midsection. Khorne grabs the leg before it hits his chest, and he kicks the Monk's other leg, sending him to the mat. Spinning toehold by
Khorne...now into the figure four! He's quick to take advantage where he can.
You can say that again. He started finding advantage when he hooked up with the Rogue.
Actually, the new Rogue started with Col. Khorne. Anyway, He pulls Monk up and lifts him above his head. And a BIG slam to the canvas! That oughta shake things up a bit.
The cover: 1...2...and Monk kicks out. Khorne frustrated, puts him in the ever-deadly Doctor Bomb! Ouch.
Dali Lama must be wondering if coming back for one match was such a good idea.
The fans are thinking much the same thing; I'm sure. Well, maybe not: the
Monk is not a bad competitor. He's just a little preoccupied right now.
Probably the whole India/Pakistan thing - Tibet could really feel the
We're not here to discuss politics. If anything,
let's talk about the Rogue's Gallery and their abuse of power. I can't
believe I joined them once.
Well, you never joined this Rogue. He's the second man to hold that
Unfortunately, there's a strange clause in the STWF
that at least one executive must have their own evil agenda. Why, I don't
know. Ratings ploy, I think. Why can't the Rogue be more like the Right
Hand Man? He doesn't say much at all. Or even Der Kommissaar? He's always
heard and never seen. At least not on camera - they always film behind
that leaded glass door.
Wow! Did you see that maneuver?! The Tibetan Monk tried a hurricanrana,
but Col. Khorne stopped it, and powerbombed him to the mat!
I missed it, but I get the strange feeling I've seen
Tibetan Monk is crawling to his feet...clothesline! He now has the Colonel
in Boston Crab position. Will it be a Crab? A slingshot? A diving headbutt
to the groin?
And the winner is...diving headbutt to the groin!
Ahh...that brings back memories.
Don't go there, Captain. Khorne is writhing in pain. The Rogue is slapping
the canvas; he looks ready to interfere. You think he will?
The Rogue doesn't like to get his hands dirty. My
guess is he'll call out Très Sheik or the Aboriginals, if need be,
but the Rogue himself? Very rare.
The Monk with the cover: 1...kickout! Khorne with a small package:
1...2...kickout! Both men are up. Each waiting for the other to make that
crucial error. "Pops" charges the Tibetan Monk and applies the
Jiffyneckpop swinging neckbreaker!
See? Crucial errors aren't always necessary to win.
Sometimes the best offense is a good...um, offense. Yeah!
Nobody gets up from the Jiffyneckpop! Unless they're really good, or are
crybabies who no-sell! The Monk's not one of those, his Eastern philosophy
is pretty passive. 1...2...and Khorne puts one in the "W" column. Perhaps
he'll regain his ICCTINACBBIC glory...
Possibly...but I doubt it.
Here is your winner: COLONEL "POPS"
The Rogue: We got the power, baby, 'cause we rule the
Well, that's all the matches. But we have some more time...wait, I'm
getting word from the locker room that our correspondent, Gary "the
Glutton" Gourmando, will be announcing the first four teams in the Canada
Day Chaos match. Gary, are you there?
Yeah, I'm here. BRAAAP! I'd just like to say what an
honour it is to choose everyone's fate like this. All the power I hold in
my fat hands! HAHAHAHA! BRAAAAAP!
Just pick the first six names and shut up; Pepe could just have easily
done it. Or BILL, he's in need of a little power play.
You had to ruin my little moment, didn't you, Vince?
Well, fine, I'll pick them now...ooh, the suspense is killing me!
Alright, the names are on cards in this hat. The first three are "Team A"
who will be facing "Team B", the next three names, at Canada Day Chaos in
the first round. Same with teams "C" and "D" who fight each other. And now
for name number one...
It's the "Kinder, Gentler" Executioner! Whoever gets him will be in for an
interesting night! And now the next name...
Oh wow...it's BOHEMOTH! This is shaping up to be one amazing team! The
final member of team A, coming your way...
It's Colonel "Pops" Khorne of the Rogue's Gallery! Three former champions
will make up the first team. It certainly is an A-level team. I wonder how
team "B" will make out. Here's the first name...
It's STWF North American Champion, THE TIGER! With Bohemoth on team A,
there's already some genuine heat! Who's joining the Tiger? Let's
It's fellow Inner Circle member, Not Prisoner X! They have experience
together, making them more of a force, but if they make it all the way,
they just might have to fight each other! Who will fill out this team, and
indeed, this session? I'm digging in the hat...
Interesting. It's Mira Maniac! An Asylum Alliance member! Can he work
together with two guys from the Inner Circle, and AGAINST Bohemoth on the
other side? Wow...I'm already excited for Canada Day Chaos! But wait,
teams "C" and "D" are coming your way! Can they top this? I doubt it very
highly! First name...
Tyrone Mayhem! Solid competitor, and Inner Circle-ite. He's joined
the Stalker. We haven't seen much from him, this will give him a good
chance to shine, if he can. Finally...
I don't believe it! It's Carnage! Stalker's ally! He'll get to fight
alongside his sometime tag team partner! What a team! Now...who will they
fight? Let's see...
The first member of Team "D" is Beast. Inner Circle on both sides here.
But I'd like to remind you that Beast Light will NOT be taking part in
Canada Day Chaos. Beast is accompanied by...
Newcomer Guan Yu! He's had his debut today. Let's hope he can get some
skills before July hits. Here's the final participant that we will draw
It's the man...the myth...the legend....BILL! Ouch. I feel so sorry for Beast, and Guan Yu,
too. But maybe BILL will surprise everyone. Let's not forget, StreetMime
was a former champion in this federation, and if that doesn't say
anything, then I don't know. BRAAAAAP! I'm Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando,
from the locker room.
Thanks Gary. This is shaping up to be one heck of a card, isn't it,
Huh? Oh, yeah, whatever you said.
Hmmm...well, I for one can't wait. It's being held at PorkLand! At the
Baco-dome. Yes, folks, that's PorkLand, where the pigs walk upright, and
no one walks away without a higher cholesterol level. NO ONE!
That's all our time. For Captain Twilight, I'm Angus "Vince"
McMadden saying, keep your pants off!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo
Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre