Monday Nae Trous - Because We Can
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(Pan interior of the Slobberknocker Arena. The STWF Girls, Der Kommissar's present from the Inner Circle,
dance to start the show. Sugarplum Harry comes in and starts shaking
around his blubber. Security is too busy retching to escort him
away. The Girls leave in disgust, and the spectacle continues for
a good three minutes.)
Welcome once again to Monday Nae Trous! That wasn't a great way to start
the show, I know, but we'll make it up with an action-packed episode!
The ICCTINACBBIC belt goes on the line as champion Tortilla Tito faces the
man who likes to call himself Pimp of the Year. The Bad A$$es face the
Indestructibles...oh no, the Rogue's Gallery is back? Sigh. We have a
debut match as Carnage faces BILL. And the wrestler calling himself Not
Prisoner X will square off against Anarchy, in what should be one heck of
a contest! With me today is Captain Twilight and Jam...hey, where's
He's limiting himself strictly to Fridays now. He
says he doesn't want the overexposure to kill him. Can you believe
No, actually. But if Jamal's not here, who's our third wheel?
Munch, munch, hey Vince, how's it
Oh God no. Gary, what the hell are YOU doing here?
What's it look like? I'm commentatin'. Hey Cap. Long
time no see. So, what's up first on the docket? Surely it's not the title
shot. Yeah, it's the debut match, as I figgered.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way to
the ring first, from Springfield, Illinois, weighing 244 lbs., the one,
the only, BILL!
("The 1812 Overture" plays. Not much pop, but there's still some there for
the highly-anticipated rising superstar (?))
And his opponent, from...um...yeah, the flames of hell. Large. He weighs
327 lbs. and is accompanied by that nameless manager guy, he is
(The traditional funeral march plays. Hey don't ask me, but at least the
music guy knows what to do. Carnage walks arrogantly to the ring, and the
nameless manager ambles behind him, apparently trying to stay out of
See? This is the problem with getting managers and
then doing all the talking yourself. The manager winds up getting tossed
on the sidelines, wasting more paycheck space. BRAAAAP!
This match was signed because BILL had to open his
fool mouth. Sure, he says what everyone else is thinking, and should
really be applauded for it sometimes, but it really gets him into trouble.
He's not in the best of condition as a result of his smart
If your exposition is done? Thanks.
BILL really looks outmatched here. However, the BILLplex shows that the
man in plain green trunks has untapped potential, just like OddJobber.
Carnage lifts the man by the throat and clumsily drops him to the ground,
in a highly non-technical chokeslam.
Hey, whatever gets the job done. Who cares if he
can't REALLY wrestle. All you need to do is pummel the guy until he stays
down for three seconds, right? *chomp*
Who let you into the building, anyway? Carnage slingshots BILL into the
buckle. And now he takes BILL up for what looks like a Superplex, but BILL
weasels out and a tremendous reverse neckbreaker from the top rope!
Just the right mix of technical maneuver and
top-rope unwashed-masses extremity.
Oh please. BILL sucks and the world knows
You may not like him Gary, but he is really showing us his material. BILL
now with a legdrop, but Carnage rolls away, and a double axhandle on the
man from Springfield. Carnage with a snap suplex. BILL just lying there,
Carnage takes some time to showboat.
Carnage could have had BILL by now, easily! What is
he doing, wasting time like this?
I have no clue. Perhaps Gary can shed some light? He seems to know more
about the minds of these no-talents.
Carnage is not a no-talent, first. Second, you see,
this is a debut match. He has to get over with the crowd, right? And what
you lack in mic skills you make up for in ring performance and
I can't argue with that logic. He won't get over
here, the way he screams at everyone in his interviews. BILL had those
calm questions, and Carnage just screams back that he will kill him.
Which, by the way, he's halfway to accomplishing.
Carnage now, with a backbreaker. Did BILL's back even touch the knee?
BILL isn't doing a great job of selling to Carnage.
Don't use that term! Remember, this is "real"
Oh yeah. Carnage is ready for his finisher: The Doomsday piledriver.
Hey wait, that's ANARCHY's finisher!
Not really. This one's on a chair.
Not an efficient finisher. Chairs aren't always
available, and there's the tendency for it to get
The nameless manager shoves a chair onto the apron - so THAT'S what he's
there for! - and BILL goes for the ride, head-first! Ouch. I think BILL
might need some neck fusion after that. Carnage with another display of
showboating. He's going on turnbuckles, kissing his biceps, the whole nine
yards. Hey! Where did that vodka bottle come from? It knocks Carnage
Well gee, who in the STWF drinks vodka...openly?
Think think, gee, you think it could be Death maybe? Duh.
No need for being facetious. Yes, there's Death now, in that smoky
Hey...that smoke? What's that cool smell?
Whoa...check it, the rafters are on fire!
No they aren't. What is WRONG with you?
Ignore the man, Captain; let him ride out his flashback and let's continue
with the drama in the ring. Death smashes the nameless manager against the
guardrail and hops on the apron. The ref won't allow too much more of
this, and tells them to take it back to the locker room. They do!
Is this ref in league with BILL?! He's going to
count Carnage out! Rookie mistake to the highest degree!
I think it's the smoke, man. It's gettin' us all a
little crazy. Hee hee hee hee BRAAAAP! Dave's not here, man.
I hope we don't have to put up with this for too much longer. Death and
Carnage are duking it out on the ramp. BILL is face-down on the mat,
slowly getting up, but the ref is counting 8...9...10! Oh no, did BILL
Here is your winner, as a result of a
Carnage just realizes what happened. He knows he has Death to blame, but
he charges the ring to take it out on BILL! A piledriver from the top
buckle to the ringfloor leaves BILL even more dazed.
If Carnage had paid more attention to the match,
that would not have happened. Still, I have a feeling Carnage vs. Death is
the match to look for in the future.
I thought they were allies. Isn't that what this whole thing with BILL was
Dude, if they were allies, they wouldn't have beat
the hell out of each other, and cost Carnage the match.
I suppose, but anything's possible here. Let's just get to the next match.
And Captain Twilight, go take Gary out for some fresh air, we can't have
him like this.
Come on Gary, we're going for a little
Is it Space Mountain? I love that ride.
Well, while Captain Twilight is taking care of our other announcer, we
have to get to the next match.
This tag team contest is set for one fall. Making
their way first, from Oakland, California, with a combined weight of 470
lbs., here are Mark and Chris, THE BAD <-BLEEP->SES!
(Boos drown out the entrance music. Mark and Chris enter, then the
audience realizes they aren't the Rogue's Gallery, despite what Announcer
And their opponents...
(Rogue's Gallery theme music plays. NOW the boos drown it out. The Rogue
enters with his Indestructibles. They still look emaciated. It's pretty
safe to assume that no amount of food will get these guys back to proper
Well, I have to go this match alone, I sure hope my colleagues get back
soon. Mark starts off with Duane Diamond D. Mark with a European uppercut.
And another one! A drop toehold sends Duane to the mat. Now a spinning
toehold! I don't know how sick I am of that move now. Honestly, does this
DO anything?! Well, wastes time, certainly. Diamond gets out of the hold.
Duane gets up with a spinerooni - it seems he's been watching a little too
much of the other wrestling networks. Mark clotheslines him back down. The
cover: 1...2...Duane gets a foot up on the ropes. Mark with a fistdrop.
Thank goodness we're not in Memphis. Mark tags to Chris. These guys REALLY
need last names. They're going against everything the STWF stands for
here! Anyway, Chris doing more of the same of Duane Diamond D.
Belly-to-belly by Chris. Chris picks him up, Irish whip. Triple-D manages
to maneuver himself and tags "Crushing" Chris Powell. It's the battle of
the Chrises now! Chris smacks Chris in the face! Now Chris with a chop on
Chris. Chris whips Chris against the ropes, the Chrises collide. We have a
two-Chris pile-up in the collector lane! Ha ha, I crack myself up. No one
here to point out that my jokes reek, either. Chris gets an arm over. The
cover: 1...2...Chris gets a shoulder up. Both Chrises moving slowly to
their feet. Chris with a powerslam! Chris gets up as if nothing happened
at all! Chris goes to tag Mark again, and sense has been restored to this
match. Chris holds Powell, Mark with the spike piledriver! Powell
crumples. Mark covers 1...2...3. The Bad A$$es move up the ranks by
defeating the former juggernauts, now the Rogue's men are barely good
enough to be Argonauts. (That's a CFL joke boys, you wouldn't get it.)
Here are your winners, THE BAD
Wow...what a match! Now we're ready for the next match as Anarchy goes
toe-to-toe with the Inner Circle's new grunt, Not Prisoner X.
This match is scheduled for one fall. Making his way
first, from Birmingham, England, and accompanied by Michael Wackson and
Messenger Boy, weighing 250 lbs., ANARCHY!
(The theme from the Batman films plays. Anarchy receives a good
And his opponent, from Parts Unknown, weighing 290 lbs., here is NOT
(Anarchy's theme continues. Not-X comes out alone.)
How very odd...he doesn't have a theme song to call his own. I wonder how
the masked man will fare.
I'll say he does quite well, thanks.
Captain! You're back. You missed the tag team match.
So I came just in time, then?
You could say that. Where's Gary?
Oh, I knew I forgot something! Darn my memory! Shall
I go get him?
What for? This is ideal, just you and me, no Jamal, no Gary.
Anarchy rushes Not-X. The masked man deftly dodges aside and places a knee
right in Anarchy's solar plexus. Anarchy has the wind knocked out of him.
NPX takes the opportunity and puts the Brummie in a sleeper.
You know, this "Not Prisoner X" seems vaguely
familiar to me...I can't quite put my finger on it...Angus? Your thoughts
on the matter?
I have that same feeling too, that I know him from somewhere? But man, I'm
stumped. The ref is raising the arm once....twice....Anarchy's arm stays
up on three. NPX is trying to push the arm down and end this, but the ref
says that's not how it works. Not-X stares down the ref about it...Anarchy
with an inside cradle! 1...2...oh, that was so close!
Just one more reason why you shouldn't argue with
Oh, I wouldn't go that far. Alright, Anarchy swings the pendulum in his
direction now. Anarchy with a suplex.
What kind, smart guy?
Oh, I don't know. Who do I look like, Mike Tenay? Oh, crap, I think
somewhere along the line we switched our speaking roles. Hold
on...*riffles through papers*...has Not-X done the avalanche yet?
Anarchy on the receiving end of a huge avalanche! Not Prisoner X is really
stepping it up a notch. *gives a thumbs-up to the Captain*
Anarchy is really in trouble! Not-X to the top! He's using Anarchy's own
finisher - the Doomsday piledriver!
We've already seen that today! And they say Nitro is
NPX covers: 1...2...3! Not Prisoner X with the major upset!
Here is your winner...Not Prisoner X!
Michael Wackson hits the scene to make it two-on-one. The rest of the
Inner Circle come out for a serious outnumbering session! The rest of
Apocalypse are mysteriously not showing. Wackson and Anarchy hightail it
through the crowd, and the Inner Circle saunter away.
It's nice to see the IC have their intimidation
tactics in full gear. I know they don't like resorting to violence. But
where was everyone? Sugarplum Harry? The Keeper? Honestly.
We've got to take a short break. We have a new sponsor!
Remember, kiddies, Unscented is a week away. I'm still waiting for some
challenges. Seven or eight matches should be fine, but I've only got like
four lined up!!!
This is your audio/video update from 3-D Radio. Hey John, what's the word
on audio equipment?
John: Well, Sally, we've got this great little number called the Digital
Radio. Much like the Digital camera, you can copy songs from the radio
onto 5 1/4" disks, and play them right on your computer!
Sally: Wow, that's much better than a CD player!
John: That's what I was thinking. Normally, a radio like this could cost
you $300. But we're letting it go for just $299.95.
Sally: That's some discount, John.
John: Isn't it, though? And it's available at 3-D Radio right now.
Sally: That's just great. This has been your audio/video update from 3-D
Radio. Celebrating 52 years, 3 months and 12 days at the corner of Third
And we're back. Stupid commercials with annoying banter like that belong
on the radio, not on TV! Wouldn't you agree, Captain Twilight?
You said it, Angus "Vince" McMadden.
Hey, here's something we haven't seen in a while. The ICTINACBBIC belt on
the line. Tortilla Tito, Mexico Unlimited's new boytoy, versus the Pimp of
the Year. Maybe if PotY loses he can at least get his hands on Salsa, that
valet Tortilla Tito has.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. This is your
Monday Nae Trous Main Event Two-Minute Screwjob. Are you ready?
(mild crowd reaction)
I said, Are... you... RRRRRRRRRREADY?!
(many cheers with interspersed whistling and howling)
For the dozens in attendance, and the hundreds watching at home....
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO
Making his way first is a man who considers himself the greatest pimp on
the face of the earth, and would kneecap anyone who thought differently.
He is from New York City. He weighs 244 lbs. He is accompanied by a
gigantic entourage, the likes of which I personally have never seen.
He is...PIMP OF THE YEAR!
("Jungle Boogie" plays. PotY enters and everyone and his brother are
And his opponent. He is the current Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This
Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close" Belt holder. He is from
Guadalajara, Mexico and makes his acquaintance with El Presidente and
indeed all of Mexico Unlimited. His weight is 215 lbs. He is....TORTILLA
("Nacho Man" blares over the PA and gets the crowd moving. One guy tries
to do the "raise the roof" on camera before security escorts him
That move is so old. And I'm 81, I know
Tortilla Tito is taking some time-out to shake the hands of some fans.
Salsa is there too, but it looks like Salsa's hands aren't what the fans
want to touch. Security is in full effect, surely. But wait! From the
ramp! It's the Pencil-Necked Geek! He has one of those
ergodynamically-designed keyboards! Tortilla Tito's been hit! He's down!
And now there's some nerdy-looking girl coming to the PNG's aid! She has
Salsa in a bearhug, she's swinging her like a ragdoll! I've never seen
anything like it in my life! El Presidente runs for it.
Pimp of the Year is laughing at the spectacle. But
wait, from under the ring, it's Sweet Candy Andy! Their feud is far from
over. Two separate brawls! Well, it looks like there's no real match
Folks, we're DESPERATELY out of time! Stay tuned to Friday Friday Friday.
Wrestler Smurf will face JJJ Forbes, in a double-return bout. Newcomers
the Crew will take on the Vegas Connection.
The tag team belts go on the line as Milwaukee's Best this time face
the Bad <-BLEEP->ses. And oh, so much more! On behalf of Captain Twilight,
I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, Keep your pants off!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo
Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre