Welcome to Monday Nae Trous!

(A large pair of pants floats across the screen, then covered by a gigantic red circle with a line through it. The STWF logo appears)
En español donde sea disponible!
(Interior of the Kiel Center. The two guys normally holding flare guns and sparklers have now upgraded to Roman Candles.)
Notes: Sorry it was late this week. I told you, for now it's a semi-regular basis!
Legend: This white is Angus McMadden's "voice". Other "voices" are as follows:
Jamal Tupac Mustafa
Captain Twilight
Ring Announcer.
All other voices will have different colours and will be preceded by their name.

Welcome everyone to Monday Nae Trous, live from the Kiel Center in St. Louis! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and with me as always is Rogue's Gallery Correspondent Jamal Tupac Mustafa, and actively retired octogenarian wrestler Captain Twilight, and WE'RE NOT WEARING PANTS!
Yo V, how do THEY know that? The camera only shows our torsos!
Well, let's show them! (Camera pans down. McMadden is wearing a kilt, JTM is wearing a loincloth and Captain Twilight is wearing superhero tights. Camera pans back up and shakes back and forth, as if the cameraman was shaking his head.)
But seriously, folks, we have a great show for you. Let's kick it off as the Forces of Justice take on the Techie Salesmen from Hell, Bait & Switch!
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been informed that Bait & Switch wish to make an announcement.
(They enter. Both are wearing shirts and ties, carrying briefcase laptops. Switch has a piece of paper in his hand.
Switch: Hey Forces, did you even read the contract? You're not fighting us, but three teams in a row, with your belts on the line, and the only way to end a match is by pinfall or submission - no contests aren't even gonna happen!
(The Forces come out looking really angry. They snatch the paper and read it.)
Judge: Can we get a ruling on this please?
(The Right Hand Man walks out and reads the paper.)
The Right Hand Man: This is the contract you signed. You should have read better. So let's get the first match on already!
Bait: So let's introduce your first opponents. You know them well: they mauled you twice, but you kept your belts by DQ. It's not going to happen this time, though! Please welcome...THE CAPITAL PUNISHERS!
(Night court theme music. Two guys in suits with Haliburtons rush the ring, Haliburtons flailing.) ***bell rings.
This is going to be one hell of a donnybrook! Mark Cheatham and the Judge to start things off. Judge nails a German suplex on Cheatham, and follows up with an elbowdrop. Picks him up...DDT! Picks Cheatham up again...Judge lands a reverse DDT! Tag to Preacher, who has an easy job ahead.
Preacher grabs his staff and smacks it over Mark's head. Now he's laying it across his throat, and he stomps on both ends! Mark Cheatham is grabbing his throat in pain! Tag back to Judge. Judge goes to the middle rope and flying elbowdrop lands nicely. Judge whips Cheatham to the turnbuckle...head of steam on Judge...and OUCH! Big boot right in the kisser. Cheatham takes the opportunity to tag Jim Dewey. Dewey comes in and blasts the Haliburton on Judge's head - I think that popped the blood capsule on the suitcase...I mean I think Judge is bleeding. The cover: 1...2...shoulder up. Jim Dewey with a piledriver on the 336 pound Judge! Cover: 1...2...Preacher makes the save. Judge tags out.
Preacher comes in now, and takes Dewey outside. What's he tryin' to do? Preacher slams Dewey's head into the Spanish announcer's table! He's now taking him up there...PILEDRIVER ON THE TABLE! The table snaps in half, and Preacher rolls Dewey in. I t'ink he's settin' up for...yes! The Deathwish! Preacher tags Judge and quickly applies the Boston Crab. Judge comes in and applies the Camel Clutch! Dewey submits! It's over! Well, the first match is over...
Well, you've done well, but I hope you're ready for the next match which starts now! Your arch-nemeses, the ones who stand for everything you abhor, yes...let me welcome Sir Gary Glutton and Friar Buck...the HEDONISTIC CRUSADERS! (They take their time. Sir Gary is 650 lbs., with red metal armor, carrying a ham hock. He goes to the audience.)
Popcorn! Get your popcorn heeeeya!
Gary Glutton is harassing the popcorn vendor! He's taking his popcorn and eating it right before the match! That can't be healthy.
You can't do this to me and get away with it! I was in 'Nam! You haven't heard the last of Colonel "Pops" Khorne!
(Friar "Buck" now enters, accompanied by his "valet", Gratuitous Tina.)
***bell rings.
Friar "Buck" starting out with a drained Preacher. The Friar extends his hand? The audience is screaming "no", and he tells them all to shut up - go figure. Preacher shakes his hand, and follows up with a headbutt! Preacher is resorting to dirty pool to keep those belts! Preacher with a vertical suplex, and tags Judge. Judge takes the oversized gavel and slams it into the monk's midsection, then runs into Sir Gary Glutton and gives HIM a bellyshot!
I think he's trying to get them to feel queasy - both Crusaders stand for excess food, as well as gratuitous violence and pornography, all of which they call "virtues".
Friar "Buck" wants to tag out, but Sir Gary clutches his stomach and refuses! Some heated words there, and Judge sunset flips "Buck"! The quick count: 1.2.and kickout. Friar "Buck" slaps Glutton's hand. Glutton comes in with a big-belly -to-belly suplex. Gary goes to the top rope, and a BIG SPLASH by Glutton! The count: 1...2...and Judge has a shoulder up. Tag to Preacher, who's caught a second wind. Glutton wants to tag out, and does so. "Buck" comes in with a spinning heel kick and lands it well. Preacher is down. But what's this? Sweet Candy Andy comes to ringside! He's talking to Gratuitous Tina, but I can't hear what they're saying. Tina smiles and walks off with Andy!
You go, boy! Chalk another one up for the Gallery! Sweet Candy Andy needed a woman, and there she is, and may I add, she's all that!
No you may not. Anyway, "Buck" looks miffed, and he's yelling at Andy. Preacher takes the opportunity, and another sunset flip! 1...2...3! It's over! The final match awaits!
Your final match this evening - fresh from their stints in Casino Rama and Chuckles comedy club - they've earned their name once more as they've returned to their homeland in Nevada...please welcome, from the Entertainment Industry, the Vegas Connection!
(Lester Leary enters with his ruffle tuxedo and pompadour. Larry Lowbrow follows close behind in his leather jacket and jeans. Behind him are the magician Presto Cadabra with Janice, "Black" Jack Dealer, and finally, Rimshot wheels in.)
This could become a superbrawl - just about everyone in this federation has a problem with either the Forces, or the Entertainment Industry. Interference is legal, so we'll just have to see what happens!
***bell rings.
All six men in the ring, as the Industry is beating the already fatigued Forces to a pulp! But wait, Broadway Musical Man is entering the ring, he's heading straight for his arch-enemy Lester Leary! They're brawling outside the ring, and now it's just three on two! And now ThatGuy is coming! I guess he's still mad at Presto Cadabra for his appearance inside the cage at Supercard I. ThatGuy runs at Presto and slaps on the Hideous Finger Bite! Presto is screaming, but no one seems to care! Presto is now down a finger, and I think ThatGuy is going to start on another - he's crazy! The ref has lost control, but he can't stop the match. Bait and Switch now jump on the apron, and smack the Forces with their multimedia laptop PC briefcases! The ring has gained some sanity now, as Larry Lowbrow grabs Preacher and drags him to the top rope. He's calling for a mike?
Lester Leary: Stop me if you've heard this one before, folks. It's the Punchline!
He picks up Preacher a bit higher than himself, in a belly-to-belly position, and MOONSAULTS, still holding Preacher, down to the concrete, where the padding was lifted away by Dealer. Preacher lands on his head and nobody will get up from that. They're both in the ring. The count:1...2...3! WE HAVE NEW CHAMPIONS!
Here are your winners, and NEEEEEEEW tag team champions, Lester Leary and Larry Lowbrow, the VEGAS CONNECTION!
What a way to start off Monday Nae Trous! I'll grab a quick word with ThatGuy.
ThatGuy, this is the first we've seen of you in a while. One question is on everyone's minds. Are you still allied with Bohemoth and the Circus Freaks?
Of course I am! They're the only ones who understand the true nature of the freak! We've all been rejected or shunned in one way or another, and now the Asylum Alliance is ready to take on the STWF in style! YOU'RE NOT SAFE! YOU'RE NOT SAFE!! YOU'RE NOT SAFE!!!
Thank you ThatGuy. We'll take a short break and be right back with the debut of DISTRUCT.

Monday Nae Trous is brought to you by Fat Matt brand gigantic beef jerky sticks for the morbidly obese. Who you callin' "slim"?
Coming soon to the STWF...BILL! BILL! BILL!
BILL. Coming soon to the STWF/CSTLL.
Mexico Madness is just five weeks away! Here are some of the matches already signed!
"The Chinese Spic" Pedro Chang gets a shot at the ICCTINACBBIC belt as he takes on the New Olympian, Ben Matera!
Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos get their chance to reclaim the tag team belts as they face the Vegas Connection!
Pepe the Mexican Midget will take on the Stick in a retirement match!
and El Spheros WILL put his championship belt on the line as he takes on Sugarplum Harry in a MATCH ON ICE!
If you want to be a part of Mexico Madness, make your challenge now!
Captain Twilight, what have you heard of BILL?
Not much, and what I have heard is conflicting.
This contest is scheduled for one fall. Currently in the ring, from St. John's, Newfoundland, weighing 255 lbs., the RED SNAPPER!
(The Red Snapper is a man dressed in a lobster suit. It reeks of poorly thought out gimmick, considering red snappers are fish.)
And his opponent, accompanied by Doctor Death, from Woodstock, Ontario, weighing 304 lbs., DISTRUCT! (Distruct's own theme music, which can be found at http://www.execulink.com/~blj/heat.mid (I didn't link it), plays. Distruct wears a blue and yellow singlet. On the front is a skull with a lightning bolt going through it.)
***bell rings.
The Red Snapper has his work cut out for him as he takes on the Rock from Woodstock. Hee hee - I just made that up!
No, honestly, did you just ask for Sweet Candy Andy to come out here and pimp slap you? Distruct calling for the ol' test-o'-strength, and the Snapper complies? He's sent crashing to the mat. Distruct picks him up by the neck and chokeslams him. The cover: 1...2...and Distruct backs off and picks him up. He applies a neckbreaker and goes for the cover again. 1...2...and backs off again! The ref warns Distruct.
Now Distruct makes the cutthroat gesture and takes the Snapper to the high-rent district. What's he...PEARL RIVER PLUNGE OFF THE TOP ROPE! I've just been informed that his move is called the Doomsday. This is a squash victory. He's not pinning? Oh, I see. He goes for a Deathlock, and the Red Snapper wastes no time in submitting before he is cracked like the shellfish he is.
Here is your winner...DISTRUCT!
Impressive victory for Distruct, but I sure wish the match could have been longer. We have so much time to fill! I know...INTERVIEWS! Captain Twilight, do your show. NOW!
Okay...(enters the ring) And now, it's time for my new segment, THE TWILIGHT ZONE! With me, Captain Twilight.
I'm really starting to rethink this...
Please welcome my first guests, the newest members of Mexico Unlimited, they are Bucho Mugralez, and Pedro Chang!
(Bucho enters first. He is an old Mexican man dressed like a Mariachi with a black and gold Sombrero. Pedro follows close behind. His flannel shirt now features the Mexican Flag on the back. He also wears a Mexico Unlimited tanktop T-shirt (only $19.95 order now!))
Now, gentlemen, what do you have to say regarding your entrance into Mexico Unlimited, as well as the upcoming Mexico Madness pay-per-view? (only $24.95 call your cable company NOW!)
Bucho Mugralez: Mehico Unlimited eez the moz' powerful force in the Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre. An' youknowwhat esse, we teach all who oppose us Mehican Judo: Ju doh know if I got a knife, Ju doh know if I got a gun, Ju doh know notting about me, esse, and that's the way we like it. Mehico Unlimited! Accept NO sobstitutions!
Pedro Chang: Hey Paco, Mehico Onlimited da Mos' Powerful group of Hombres todayas for that Punta Ben Matera. I wan' your title puerto, and at Mehico Madness in five weeks in sonny Tijuana, I weel have eet as Mehico Onlimited tries to ween all de belts.
Offscreen: Oh will you please shut your hole.
Who said that?
(A man wearing black pants, an Ozzy Osbourne T-shirt, a leather jacket and black Army boots enters. A cigarette is dangling out of his mouth.)
Me, that's who. DeRanged.
Oh my! DeRanged has finally made his way into the STWF/CSTLL! And it looks like he's already found someone to pick on!
Well, well, well, look what trash I get to see shoot his mouth off in the ring. Hey, Spic-boy, I hear you were trained by Bissell and his 1/64th of an inch penis. Says something about YOU, dunnit prickjob?
Now listen here, this is my interview time, and...
Shut up, old man, before I Death Grip your wrinkled ass right here! Well, as the STWF should know, I've beaten Bissell a hundred million times, so why not come here and start beating on the "Next Generation" of suckless, no-talent, bad-gimmick S.O.B. Bissell-butt-buddies...
Hey, my gimmick's not THAT bad...
So, Pedro Chang, the Chinese Dick, why don't you meet me, in the ring, next Monday, unless you are Chink enough to handle a buff giant like me. Probably gonna run away like Bissell now, right?
Next week. Any enemy of Bissell's is an enemy of mine. Take on me, an' ju take on Mehico Onlimited! Thees ees KHWAR!
And learn how to speak properly, unless that's some impairment from sucking "little Bissell". You've just signed your death warrant, little man.
(DeRanged leaves. Pedro Chang takes the audience route out, along with Bucho. Enter "The Right Hand Man". Behind him is the popcorn vendor from before.)
The Right Hand Man: This man came up to me after the Hedonistic Crusaders match, and I'm proud to say he is the newest member of the STWF/CSTLL. Everyone meet Colonel "Pops" Khorne!
Well, Mr. Khorne, in the 30 seconds we have left, do you have anything to say?
Col. "Pops" Khorne: Yes, sir. Sir Gary Glutton - you don't know what you've gotten yourself into. Your big fat ass is mine! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! AIEEEEHAHAHAHA!
Um....thank you. Angus?
That's all the time we have this week. I'm sorry, but the Stonebreakers couldn't make it tonight, hopefully next week, they'll take on the Sanitation Crew. And of course, DeRanged versus Pedro Chang, Col. Khorne, all next week, so until then, keep your pants off!
(c) Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre 1997