(A large pair of pants floats across the screen, then covered by a gigantic red circle with a line through it. The STWF logo appears)
En español donde sea disponible!
(Interior of the new STWF/CSTLL arena, the "Slobberknocker" arena. Two pyrotechnicians create the fireworks to start the show. One of them is wearing a Strike Force T-shirt.)
Hello, and welcome to the Twentieth Episode of Monday Nae Trous! I'm here as always with Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Captain Twilight, and we're not wearing pants!
That's right Angus, but you don't have to tell everyone. As he said, I'm Captain Twilight, and we have a wonderful show for you. Anarchy and a special mystery partner will take on Bohemoth and ThatGuy of the Asylum Alliance. Dr. Snare will meet former champion El Spheros in a steel cage match, and we have a tag team championship contest as the Warrior Gods take on the Circus Freaks.
But first, we have a debut contest here. Newcomer Zebulon will take on Presto Cadabra of the Entertainment Industry.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way toward the ring, from Atlantic City, New Jersey, accompanied by Rimshot, Gruff and "Black" Jack Dealer, weighing in at 271 lbs., PRESTO CADABRA!
("The Skater's Waltz" plays. Presto comes to the ring with his entoutrage, and pauses to pull quarters out of a boy's ear. The boy does not seem impressed. Mixed reaction for Presto.)
And his opponent, from Charleston, WV, weighing 290 lbs., ZEBULON!
("Workin' in a Coal Mine" plays. Zebulon has a mongoose peeking out of the breast pocket of his coveralls, and carries a pickaxe. The audience gives a slight pop, not knowing what to think.)
Zebulon and Cadabra lock up. The mongoose is safely in a cage at ringside now. Zebulon nails a hiptoss. He goes for a kneeling punch, but Presto with his quickness darts away and nails a German suplex on the coal miner from Charleston.
What? Bohemoth is here?
Let's say the OTHER coal miner from Charleston.
This could get confusing! Zebulon sends Presto for the ride, and a big steel-toed boot for Cadabra on the way back! Zebulon with a shoulderbreaker. The pin: 1...2...and a half. Presto goes to the top buckle for a cross body! Presto tries to cover: 1...2...Zebulon rolls it over: 1...2...kickout. Presto with a sleeperhold. Zebulon is fading...fading...JAWBREAKER! Out of nowhere. Zebulon goes for the cover: One...two...Jack Dealer comes up to distract the ref. Presto gets out of the cover, and leaves the ring. Zebulon follows. Gruff in the way of Zebulon, and man the tension here is thick! It's really thick. What's going to happen? Zebulon eases his way over to the mongoose cage...he's got the mongoose now, but Gruff won't back down!
Now is the time to see if Zebulon's mongoose does what he says it does.
It does. OUCH! That's gotta hurt. Gruff is howling in pain! And I don't blame him, with that vicious below-the-belt attack by the mongoose.
I'm rubbing off on you, Jamal. That actually sounded eloquent.
Don' haveta insult me, old man.
Zebulon laughing at Gruff, but Presto and Jack Dealer nail him from behind! Cadabra rolls him back into the ring. The cover: 1...2...Zebulon gets out. Zebulon just caught a second wind...he's beating Cadabra like nobody's business! Now he's going for the Strip Mine piledriver...nailed it! The cover: 1...2...3! Zebulon wins. And here comes the Industry! They're not happy at all. Jack Dealer pulls out his razor ace, Gruff closing in on Zebulon, and we all know he'd love to get at him. Zebulon holding them off with the mongoose, and leaves the ring. Upon leaving, he knocks Rimshot over!
That's terrible! You just don't do that to disabled people, no matter how much you don't like them.
Zebulon receiving boos as he leaves. Presto uprights Rimshot, and the Industry representatives leave.
Our next match features Dr. Snare, as he takes on El Spheros in a cage! This should be good. Cap, your pick.
I'm going to go with El Spheros on this one. Dr. Snare may specialize in cage matches, but El Spheros is so different.
Jamal, your pick.
Gotta be the Docta! He da best cage playa in da bidness!
The cage is being set up now...a perfect time for some commercials!
Nothing says Valentine's day like the colour red. And what better way to celebrate Valentine's Day with a wrestling card that commemorates that colour. The STWF/CSTLL proudly presents Heart-Breaking Hell, the card where you don't win until they bleed. Ironman vs. DOOM, Anarchy vs. the Keeper, Stealth Bomber vs. Col. Khorne, Pedro Chang vs. Michael Wackson, Gruff vs. Distruct, and many more! Order Heart-Breaking Hell today!
This episode of Monday Nae Trous is brought to you by Marq's Root Beer.
Hi! I'm Marq. I believe in honesty in advertising. Well, that's not entirely true...actually, the board of health is more concerned about it. They said that due to my dusty root beer manufacturing conditions, I can't produce my root beer unless I tell them the truth about it. Well, it's still good root beer, and believe me, it's a GOOD thing when I tell you that...
Marq's has mites.
NEW! STWF/CSTLL ACTION FIGURES! Collect 'em all! ThatGuy! Sugarplum Harry and his golems! Pedro Chang! Anarchy! Col. "Pops" Khorne! Newly released, INVISIBLO! And tons more! NOW! Specially designed STWF wrestling rings, so you can have your very own matches! We've got standard, steel cage, heaven-and-hell cage, even electrical cages for the Lightning match!
(shot of a child touching the cage. A buzzing sound is heard, a spark flies, and the child jolts his hand back.)
Child: OW! Now THAT'S hardcore.
Not only that, but each wrestler comes with his own weapons, so you can have your very own Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl!
Child 1: I call Peter Thompson and the IV stand.
Child 2: I've got OddJobber with his shovel and razor hat! FREE JOE RAIN! FREE JOE RAIN!
That's right, so get your STWF action figures TODAY!
I think that was the longest batch of commercials we've ever had!
So much so, that the cage has been set up, both men are in the ring, and the bell has rung!
You didn't miss much, folks. Honest. Okay, Doctor Snare is pounding El Spheros in the midsection. El Spheros isn't selling it.
El Spheros has strong abs...I mean he's gotta, given his shape.
Doctor Snare kicks El Spheros into the cage. El Spheros is rocked by the force. El Spheros tries a flying forearm, but Doctor Snare moves away... he just barely missed it. Dr. Snare with a vertical suplex. The ref counts: 1...2...El Spheros rolls off his shoulders. Dr. Snare is thrown off balance and flies to the buckle! El Presidente is cheering at ringside, as are Pepe and Julio. José is not there, we believe he has personal problems. Dr. Snare whips El Spheros into the cage! And now a clothesline, grinding Spheros into the steel! You can see the crosshatch pattern on the spherical luchador. El Spheros now bounces off the top rope, and nails a splash! The ref counts: 1...2..no. Dr. Snare is up, he grabs Spheros to the top buckle, and superplex! Dr. Snare climbs the cage. He's about halfway up now...Wow, Snare is quick, he's almost at the top already! Spheros barrels into the cage...Dr Snare crouches for balance but to no avail. Snare drops on the inside, and he falls on the ref! The ref is out!
Can we get a new ref here please?
Here comes one now.
Wait a minute, that's Mexico Unlimited referee Raoul Ramon Ramirez! How can Dr. Snare win now?
Uh, Cap, that's the point.
By the way, congratulations are in order to Ramirez for winning the NWF Lightheavyweight championship. But Dr. Snare is furious! He's about to slam Ramirez, when Ramirez threatens to disqualify him. Snare gets Spheros in the Snare Slam! Ramirez counts very very slowly.
El Spheros gets the shoulder up. Snare does it again! And heads for the door. Ramirez is standing in front of the door, stalling for time. Snare realizes that touching him would mean disqualification, so he starts to climb the cage again..........Snare almost at the top, when RAMIREZ shakes the cage. Snare has seen this before, so he aims his fall, right on El Spheros! El Spheros grunts, barely conscious. Ramirez counts again...
Spheros with the shoulder up! Again! Um, I think. Ramirez could just be toying with Snare.
I think Snare sees the futility evident here. He picks up Ramirez, who's begging off now, and grinds his face right into the cage! Ramirez is busted wide open, and he's calling for the bell!
Here is your winner, as a result of a disqualification, EL SPHEROS!
Snare giving his Snare Slam to Ramirez now...Pepe, Julio and El Presidente run off, chased by Kandi of all people. El Spheros is still in the cage, and Snare storms off to follow his manager.
That certainly was interesting. Two tag matches now. We'll start with the Asylum Alliance versus Anarchy and his "mystery partner".
Like we don't know it's Wackson already.
The following contest is set for one fall. Making their way toward the ring, representing the Asylum Alliance, with a combined weight of 756 1/2 lbs., ThatGuy and Bohemoth!
("Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill plays. The crowd is popping bigtime. "You're Not Safe" signs everywhere. The chants are beginning already.)
And their opponents, first from Birmingham, United Kingdom, weighing 250 lbs., The STWF North American Champion, ANARCHY!
(The Batman movie theme plays. Anarchy enters to almost as big a pop as ThatGuy. Anarchy grabs the mic.)
And now...the mystery partner you've all been waiting for!
("Bad" by Michael Wackson plays. ThatGuy and Bohemoth nod at each other.)
But it's not Wackson! It was a ruse! The mystery partner is...
MR. RAGE! The crowd is on its feet. Rage attacking Bohemoth before the bell...
This is an all-out brawl. I can't point out any technical moves here. It's just rough-housing. Anarchy and ThatGuy now mixing it up a little. The ref trying to restore some order here...it's not happening. The ref threatens to disqualify both teams...well, for some stupid reason that calmed them down. It's Bohemoth and Rage to start things off. More brawling ensuing. Rage goes down to the floor first. Bohemoth pounding on him. Now with a leglock submission. Rage reaches the ropes. Bohemoth with a hairpull, and the ref warns him. Bohemoth with a belly-to-belly suplex, and covers: 1...kickout. Rage with a dropkick, and tags Anarchy in the same motion.
Anarchy has made a wonderful showing of himself since joining us here in the STWF. Anarchy with a slingshot on the massive Bohemoth. Bohemoth stops himself from hitting the buckle. Bohemoth now locks Anarchy up in the ropes! He's kicking and punching away, and loving it! Mr. Rage comes in to stop it, but the ref won't let him. Bohemoth tags ThatGuy, who has his work cut out for him now. ThatGuy headbutting Anarchy. The chants start up again. ThatGuy pauses to lick the ringpost. The crowd is cheering!
No doubt about it, the fans in the Slobberknocker Arena are the strangest around! ThatGuy with a flying shoulderblock, and Anarchy is in trouble. ThatGuy is giving the sign...Hideous Finger Bite! Anarchy not submitting. Anarchy thumbs ThatGuy's eyes - that broke the hold. Anarchy now with a running powerslam. The cover: 1...2...no. Anarchy tags Rage back. Rage and Anarchy give ThatGuy a double DDT. They now whip him into the ropes, and are about to do something, but ThatGuy follows through with a double clothesline! ThatGuy tags Bohemoth back. Bohemoth and Rage at it once again. What? Back to brawling? The fans don't want brawling.
But they want some guy lickin' a ringpost? Of course they want brawling.
Wait! Rage executes a backslide! One...two...no. Rage tags Anarchy back already...Rage gives Bohemoth a bulldogging headlock, then hands him off to Anarchy. Anarchy going for the Doomsday top-rope piledriver. He's going to drive 490 lbs. of Bohemoth straight into the canvas! YES! Anarchy covers: 1...2...3! Anarchy and Mr. Rage have won the match.
But it's far from over. ThatGuy comes in and slaps a Hideous Finger Bite on Rage. Rage is bleeding, but Anarchy pries the finger out. Rage might need some medical attention for that. It's just hanging by a nerve. Just inches away from losing a finger! But we've got one more match to worry about, and it's for the tag team championship!
The following contest is set for one fall. Making their way toward the ring, representing the Asylum Alliance, Dizzy Desi and Sasquatch, the CIRCUS FREAKS!
(Big top music plays. The Circus Freaks come out to a decent pop.)
And their opponents, the STWF tag team champions, accompanied by the mighty Odin, Thor and Tyr, the WARRIOR GODS!
("Devil in the Kitchen" by Ashley MacIsaac plays. The Warrior Gods come out to a good pop. They start laughing.)
Both teams are in the ring now, and ready for some action!
(Arena goes dark. The lights come back on, and the Keeper is in the ring.)
Uh-oh. I think the Keeper realized that the Freaks lied to him.
The Keeper:YOU SAID THE DANGEROUS BOMBS KNEW WHERE THE BOY WAS! THEY DID NOT! NOW YOU WILL PAY.
DD: We thought they did! But try BILL. I bet he knows. He knows a lot!
Sasquatch: Reaaaoooowwwr Gurgle Awooo Gurgle Gurgle.
DD: Yeah, he thinks so too.
Keeper: I will speak to BILL. But first, YOU WILL PAY.
Oh man! He just picked up the Circus Freaks with a hand each! He's goin' to the buckle...
DOUBLE CHOKESLAM THROUGH THE SPANISH TABLE! The Circus Freaks are out. They need medical attention.
We're going to use half our EMT budget on this episode alone! I'm afraid that they can't wrestle for the belts tonight.
Here are your winners as a result of a forfeit, the WARRIOR GODS!
The crowd is booing. I don't blame them: they've just been ripped out of a match, thanks to the Keeper. Folks, we're out of time. But coming up in just three days, the debut of FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY! I will be announcing as well as Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando. You'll see Dr. Snare take on Buzz Redwood in a cage, Michael Wackson will take on BILL, and the Dangerous Bombs will take on the Thugs for Life. Until then, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, saying, keep your pants off!
(c) 1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre