(A large pair of pants floats across the screen, then covered by a gigantic red circle with a line through it. The STWF logo appears)
En español donde sea disponible!
(Interior of the new STWF/CSTLL arena, the "Slobberknocker" arena. The two guys with sparklers and flare guns create the "fireworks" to start the show.)
Welcome once again to Monday Nae Trous! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, back again with my co-commentators Captain Twilight, and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, and we're not wearing pants! Are you guys happy that you got your solos now? Can we end this now?
I'm happy. Just don't do it again.
'Scool, V. I had fun alone.
I'm sure you did. You always do.
I don't like your tone! You wanna go, right now, old man?
[Sigh] The more things change...anyway, we have a FANTASTIC lineup for you today. DOOM will be putting his title on the line for the second time in three weeks, as he faces IRONMAN. I can't wait. Bohemoth will be facing Sweet Candy Andy is singles action. Andy has very little friends, after stealing all the females in this fed save one.
Hey, Cap, the candy-man's MY friend! Okay, an' two tag matches for y'all: newcomers the Dangerous Bombs will be takin' on the Stonebreakers, who won't be wit' us after dis. Oh yeah, Generation X in da house as dey take on the Forces of Justice!
We're sorry to see the loss of the Techie Salesmen from Hell and the Capital Punishers. Both teams' contracts will expire by the end of the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl, and unless one of them wins, they won't be renewing.
Oh yeah...when was the last time one-half of a tag team won a battle royal?
Hey! That's enough chatter! Mexico Unlimited is in the ring, and I believe they have something to say.
El Presidente: Pedro Chang, the Chinese Spic. Jhoo khave deesided to join forces weeth IRONMAN. That's hokay. Khwe khwere glad to have jhoo een our ranks - jhoo added another belt to our stable khwhile jhoo were here. Bot jhoo lost eet to Colonel "Pops" Khorne four khweeks ago. On behalf of Mehico Unlimited, khwe khwould like to present jhoo weeth the Mehico Onlimited jacket jhoo wore, as a reminder to jhour past, and now, our special sendoff as a khway of saying, goodbye. NOW!
(El Presidente throws the jacket over Pedro's face. José, Julio and MU referee Raoul Ramon Ramirez pummel him all over the ring. El Spheros hops over the ring, and rolls back down the ring entrance, to set up for the spinning splash/Pepe's rocket launcher. The three are holding Pedro down.) This is inhuman! After all Pedro Chang did for Mexico Unlimited, this is the thanks he is receiving!
(El Spheros rolls down the entrance and up the ramp. Pepe bounces up, reaches about a foot from the ceiling of the Slobberknocker arena, and slams down on Chang with the legdrop.)
Do they really think they're going to get away with this? Ironman can't be far behind.
No indeed he isn't! Here he comes now! The crowd is up! They're coming at him, very slowly, one at a time! Julio gets an Iron Cutter! José gets one too! Ramirez gets one! Pepe gets one!
Aw, come on, what's Pepe done? Now the big boys...El Spheros gets an Iron Cutter! The crowd is screaming for El Presidente to get one! El Presidente runs, tryin' to save 'imself! He just barely escapes Ironman, who gets massive cheers, and leaves with Pedro Chang. Mexico Unlimited still lyin' in da ring!
Officials are removing Mexico Unlimited, who is getting laughed all the way to the locker room. Well, that was mildly entertaining. Onto our first match as Generation X takes on the Forces of Justice!
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Making their way towards the ring, from Brooklyn, New York, with a combined weight of 517 lbs. and accompanied by Invisiblo (I think)...representing Homeboys and Hardcore, Jimmy Cain and Playboy Cartel, GENERATION X!
("Can't Hold me Down" by Puff Daddy plays. They come to the ring in their baggy street clothing. Moderate cheers.)
And their opponents, with a combined weight of 570 lbs., Judge and Preacher, THE FORCES OF JUSTICE!
(Theme from "Law and Order" plays. Judge comes out, carrying his extra-large gavel and tome of various UN constitutions. Preacher follows close behind, carrying his steel-covered Bible and his walking staff. Mixed reaction.)
Judge: Clinton! Ban land mines now! You're holding the UN back! I'll take you down just like any tag team who gets in our way!
Preacher: I don't care if you are the president, you heathen! For the book of Exodus says "Thou shalt not kill!" And what exactly do mines do? And let's not even DISCUSS your extramarital affairs!
Oh God, when did the STWF turn into a political discussion?
Since dey showed up. Da crowd doesn't seem to like it, though.
Looks like the Slobberknocker Arena is in democrat country. Well, let's see if their personal politics have any bearing on their ring skills.
Ring skills? The FoJ have proven themselves time and again! Preacher to start with Jimmy Cain. Preacher executes a body slam. He follows up with a kneedrop. He picks up Cain and gives him a vertical suplex. He goes for a figure-four...Preacher lets it go. Preacher now attempting to lift Cain...attempting to lift Cain...att..Cain reverses it and Preacher receives a belly-to-belly suplex! Cain tags Cartel.
Cartel on the top rope...BIG elbowsplash by Playboy Cartel. The cover: 1...kickout.
Should'a hooked da leg.
Playboy Cartel with a reverse DDT. He asks Cain to set up a table...what's he trying to do? He's going to the top rope with Preacher...it looks like he's going to try a superplex to the outside!
Not if Judge has anything to do with it. Judge slams Cartel with his gavel. He runs back to his corner before the ref sees. Preacher now tags Judge. Judge runs over and gives Cartel a big belly-to-back suplex! And a middle-rope splash by Judge! 1...2...Cartel kicks out, and Judge is complaining about a slow count.
Well, it WAS kinda slow.
Judge with a piledriver on Cartel. 1...2...shoulder up. Judge is furious! He tags Preacher back. Preacher takes Cartel to the buckle...
ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE!....TEN!!! (Crowd cheers)
Preacher now with a cobra twist on Cartel...grabs the ropes, ref didn't see...grabs again, ref didn't see...grabs third time, ref sees and the hold is broken. Preacher takes the opportunity to remove the turnbuckle cover, exposing that very uncomfortable-looking bolt.
Doesn't look THAT uncomfortable, in FACT...
Oh, you're disgusting. Preacher tags Judge. Judge Irish-whips Cartel in the direction of the exposed buckle...Cartel reverses it and Judge's back right into the bolt! He drops. Cartel tags Jimmy Cain back! The crowd is up! Jimmy Cain takes Judge up top...he's going to try that superplex on the much-heftier Judge! He lands it! The table snaps right in two, and Judge is dripping red!
Jimmy's not finished! He's going to the Spanish announcer's table!
Aw man, Mexico Unlimited's gonna have our <-BLEEP-> for dat!
Cain with a DDT through the second table! He rolls Judge back into the ring. He tags Playboy Cartel. Cartel to the high-rent district...Flying leg drop!
The ref counts: 1...2...3! Generation X take it! But it's not over! Preacher nails Jimmy Cain with his staff! He nails Cartel with the staff! He rouses Judge...they're trying to execute the Deathwish! The Deathwish has been applied to Jimmy Cain! My God, his back will snap! Wait, the hold's been broken!
Invisiblo strikes again!
Yes, Cain was certainly saved that time...Let's hope they don't grow too dependent on Invisiblo, though. Okay, next match up, Bohemoth takes on Sweet Candy Andy.
The following contest is set for one fall. Making his way towards the ring, accompanied by Mad Onna, Gratuitous Tina, and Janice, from New York, New York, weighing in at 254 lbs., Sweet Candy ANDY!
(Man, my chocolate's SOOOOOOOOO sweet! and the Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive" is heard. Andy comes to the ring, wearing his broad hat with feather, wraparound shades, fur-lined coat, and silver duck's head cane. His three girls are with him, all wearing Miami Heat jerseys. Mad Onna and Janice are wearing #36, while Gratuitous Tina, who is between them, sports #24. Chants of the girls' names are heard from various points in the arena. It's hard to tell who is liked most.)
Sweet Candy Andy: Ain't they FIIIIIINE? Mmhmm, girl, I've got the sweetest honeys in the rasslin' world today. Friar Buck? Michael Wackson? Presto Cadabra? You wancho honeys back, you gotta get through ME! Or we could talk bidness...I could give 'em to you fo'an hour or so...fo' a price. But it won't be cheap, 'cause this honey's SOOOOOOOO sweet!
Ahem. And his opponent, from Charleston, WV, weighing in at 490 lbs. and representing the Asylum Alliance, BOHEMOTH!
("In the Hall of the Mountain King" plays. Bohemoth comes out with his miner's helmet and white cane. Mixed reaction, followed by more chants of the girls' names.)
Sweet Candy Andy calls for the test-o'-strength. Oh come now...Bohemoth would kill him! Something's up. Bohemoth complies, and is met with a groinshot. Told you. Andy follows up with a kick to the midsection, and a pimp slap to boot.
Go Andy! He's my MAIN man! Hey, call Tina over here, wouldja?
She's coming over. Bohemoth visibly upset. BIG powerbomb on Andy. He picks Andy up again, whips him to the buckle...
Hey! Nobody replaced the turnbuckle cover! Ouch. Bohemoth just slamming him into the metal bolt over and over. The ref warns Bohemoth. Bohemoth goes for a reverse chinlock. This should take a while. So Tina, what have you been doing with yourself lately?
Well, I will be appearing in the January edition of "Hardcore" magazine. They're doing a special on wrestling sluts.
(Cut immediately to the leaded glass door of the STWF head offices. The silhouette of Der Kommissaar can be seen.)
Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for that last comment. I mean, the boundaries of taste are being stepped on time and again here. It's just got to stop somewhere. I'll let it slide this time, but if you announcers can't keep it civil, don't blame me for my actions. End transmission!
Thanks a lot, Tina, you just got us reprimanded. Okay, the reverse chinlock's just been broken. Sweet Candy Andy bounces off the ropes, and lands a springboard moonsault! The cover: 1...kickout. Bohemoth with an iron claw on Andy...Andy not submitting. Bohemoth picks him up and slams him down while still holding onto his head...Andy still not submitting! Sweet Candy Andy slides his hand around Bohemoth's neck...it's a death grip! Hold on...the ref is warning Andy that that's a chokehold! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5! Sweet Candy Andy has been disqualified.
Here is your winner, as a result of a disqualification, BOHEMOTH!
Wow. Who would have thought that the death grip is actually a chokehold. No wonder Meng only does it outside of match time.
That's enough referencing out of you. Our next match shouldn't be too long. Newcomers the Dangerous Bombs get to give a farewell to the Stonebreakers.
The following tag team contest is set for one fall WITH NO DISAQUALIFICATION. Making their way towards the ring, with a combined weight of 830 lbs., Hugo and Slick, the STONEBREAKERS!
(No theme music. Dead silence. Hugo and Slick come out with emotionless faces. Well, a hint of fear, but that's about it.)
And their opponents, from Oakland, California, with a combined weight of 463 lbs., Dynamite Raider and Dangerous Jack Means, THE DANGEROUS BOMBS!
("TNT" by AC/DC. The Bombs enter to a slight pop.)
Jack Means and Hugo to start things off. Jack Means with a flurry of rights and lefts. He jumps up and nails Hugo right in the head! He's stomping a mudhole in the monster now. Dangerous JM with a bootlace scrape on Hugo! Nasty. He gives Hugo a legdrop. The cover: 1...2...Jack Means pulls Hugo up. He tags Raider, and forces Hugo to tag Slick.
They're really trying to make a name for themselves by doing this. Dynamite with a big kick to Slick's head. Slick drops like a ton of bricks. Dynamite slapping Slick and laughing. The crowd's laughing too. I guess the crowd is getting into these guys. Wait, he's telling them to shut up, and kicks Slick in the temple, then the groin! They're so lucky this is a no-DQ match. Raider goes outside and grabs the ringsteps. He slams them on Slick's head! Now he tags Jack Means...Raider setting up for a piledriver...SPIKE PILEDRIVER ON THE RINGSTEPS by the Dangerous Bombs. Jack Means goes for the cover: 1...2...3. This one's over, but they're not done. Raider picks up Hugo now, Jack goes up top again, ANOTHER SPIKE ON THE STEPS! Now what? Oh no...they're going to piledrive Hugo on Slick's head!
(Crowd groans in sympathy pain)
Oh, folks, I'm sorry. This just isn't pretty. The canvas is completely red. DOOM and IRONMAN are going to have one hell of a mess to fight in. No...there's more? The Dangerous Bombs have salt! They're rubbing it into the Stonebreakers' open wounds! And they're laughing! The crowd is booing them intensely now. They walk off to the locker room, still laughing. Here comes the Right Hand Man, ready to "escort" the Stonebreakers out of the STWF.
(Cut to outside of the Slobberknocker Arena. Hugo and Slick are shown getting the bum's rush unceremoniously into the gutter outside. The Right Hand Man slaps his hands together to dust them off, then walks back inside.
Well, ya gotta admit, the Stonebreakers needed a wake-up call. Dey did nothing all the time while here! I'm glad dey're gone.
I suppose. But it didn't have to be so gruesome. Well, it's time for the final match...DOOM takes on IRONMAN for the STWF heavyweight title.
But first, these words.
Note to all STWF personnel: said it before, I'll say it again. After this, Christmas break. About three weeks. Feel free to use the flashboard while I'm gone. And for crying out loud, if you haven't picked your weapons DO IT NOW! There's only like two of you left to do so.
Tonight's episode of Monday Nae Trous has been brought to you by Oliver Russell, professional fence.
I BUY STOLEN JEWELLERY! Hello! I'm Oliver Russell, and I pay top dollar for your stolen stuff. I pay CASH for watches, diamonds, earrings, and anything else you can get your grubby mitts on. I even pay for your broken gold, because we all know that when you're in a hurry, accidents happen. So come on down! All cash transactions means I'm above the law! Why don't you go right now to your drawer, jewellery box or safety deposit box, or somebody else's same, and visit me, Oliver Russell! Have fun! Let's make a deal! Your stolen jewellery for my CASH!
And we're back! Both champ and challenger are in the bloodied ring now.
DOOM and IRONMAN with a nondescript brawl happening. Ironman supplies some martial arts techniques to break it up. He now goes for a side suplex. DOOM just gets up. He's not the champ for nothing. DOOM with a hiptoss...DOOM with a legdrop, Ironman rolls away and out of the ring. DOOM follows. Domenic Oliver distracts the champion, and Ironman nails him with a kick in the back of the head! Kandi slaps Ironman, Ironman turns around and grabs her arm...Doom turns Ironman around and slams him down. Kandi and the Duke are now safely out of it, Doom rolls Ironman back, and climbs to the top rope. Big legdrop lands this time! Hooks the leg, the cover: 1...2...kickout by Ironman. Ironman up now, bounces off the ropes, Doom ducks, Ironman bounces back, Doom leapfrogs. Ironman on the third pass, Doom leapfrogs again but this time Ironman caught him! Ironman with an atomic drop. That had to have hurt. Doom and Ironman, both to be appearing at the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl very soon. Sixty men, each with weapons of choice! It should be fantastic.
Why are you plugging the PPV?
Because that's one wrestling cliché that we haven't really explored. Ironman has Doom in a dragon sleeper! DOOM slowly reaching the ropes. Okay, he's there. Ironman releases the hold. Doom gets up and starts a series of chops that has the crowd whooing. He whips Ironman, and short clothesline by the champion. Ironman as you may recall used to wrestle here under the name of "Tony Starks". Frankly, he might have been better off keeping it that way, but he does have name recognition now.
You damn right he got name recognition. IRONMAN is one of da true rasslin' legends.
We also have to factor in to what extent Doom was injured at the hands of the Rogue's Gallery. Ironman with a snap suplex. Ironman with the cover: 1...2...and HE GOT HIM! No he didn't. Doom gets up and delivers a snapmare takeover. Doom now with a Boston crab. Ironman looks to be in a little pain...Domenic Oliver pushes the ropes in a little so Ironman can grab them more easily, and the hold is broken. Ironman with an elbow to Doom's head. Doom goes down. Okay, he's up now...neckbreaker by Doom. The cover: 1...2...shoulder up. Ironman is frustrated now. A fury of kicks and elbows, Doom doesn't know what hit him, Ironman clotheslines him over the top rope.
Do we have a ruling on that? Is that illegal here?
Why would it be? Ironman with a plancha over the top rope! Doom is on the floor, Ironman on top, beating the daylights out of him! He's calling to the entranceway...here comes Pedro Chang! He looks okay...he's got that barbed-wire baseball bat we all remember from Monster Bash!
Iiyeah, we cain't fo'get that match. Pedro Chang nails him a good one! Ironman rolls him in, sets up for the Iron Cutter...HIT! The cover, hooks the leg, 1...2...and we have a new champion. I don't believe it.
I do. Doom was injured, and he really didn't have to put his title up, plus Pedro Chang with the interference.
Here is your winner, and NEEEEEEEEEEW STWF/CSTLL Heavyweight Champion, IRONMAN!
Here comes Dr. Snare! He's come to exact revenge on Ironman for his actions! Now here's Stealth Bomber, Cube, the Keeper! Ironman could be in trouble! But wait! Here comes the Rogue's Gallery! And now Mexico Unlimited enters! Just about all the STWF wrestlers are out here now, duking it out in the middle of the ring! Just imagine what's going to happen when they all have weapons in their hands! This will without a doubt be the biggest, baddest, bunkhousiest brawl of all time! We'll see you then, and until the brawl, keep your pants off, and happy holidays from everyone in the Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre!
(c) 1997 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre