(A large pair of pants floats across the screen, then covered by a gigantic red circle with a line through it. The STWF logo appears)
En español donde sea disponible!
(Interior of "generic STWF arena, somewhere, North America". The two new guys with sparklers and flare guns kick off the fireworks to start the show. Someone holds up a sign that says "Anarchy is coming". No officials are taking it away.)
Yo yo yo! 'Sup, cool cats? JTM in da House on Monday Nae Trous! No Cap, no McMadden, just pure unadulterated Jamal. We's got some DOPE matches for y'all. We's got an eight-man tag: Cube, Stealth Bomber, DOOM and newcomer "Plasmatic" Peter Thompson are takin' on da Rogue's Gallery. Da Rogue and Sir O. are gonna be handcuffed to da Monstron so dey can't interfere. Also, we's seein' the return of Michael Wackson, and we's also gonna see IRONMAN in action! It's gonna be one helluva show. Oh yeah, of course it is - it's all Jamal! First match though, Pedro Chang takes on Presto Cadabra of the Entertainment Industry. Let's kick it!
The following match is scheduled for one fall. Making his way toward the ring accompanied by Bucho Mugralez and El Presidente, from South Central LA and weighing 235 lbs., "THE CHINESE SPIC" PEDRO CHANG!
("Rico Suave" by Gerrardo plays. Pedro struts out. He does a little showboating over the turnbuckles, and the crowd responds.)
And his opponent, from Atlantic City, New Jersey...
(He is cut off as a puff of white smoke goes off in the ring. Presto Cadabra appears, with his lovely assistant Janice. They leave the ring, do a card trick with a child in the audience, and re-enter the ring. Janice holds Presto's hat and cape. Rimshot starts wheeling to the ring to be with Presto. The crowd gives some booing, with a small bit of cheering.)
Chang starts this match off with a hiptoss. He goes fo' a kneedrop, but Presto rolls away. Presto with an enzuigiri kick! He ain't never done dat before. Pedro wit' a flyin' headscissors! He covers: 1...2...shoulder up. You know, Chang's gotta watch out 'cause the Entertainment Industry could come out at any minute...then again, Mexico Unlimited's got a lotta guys too. Presto with a series of kneelifts. Now a backbreaker! He covers:1...kickout. Chang with a Russian legsweep. Chang now with a top-rope splash!...Presto rolls again. Cadabra's leavin' the ring. Pedro follows. This could be trouble fo' both guys right here. Cadabra meets up with Chang and rams 'im inta the steel steps! Man, dat's gotta hurt. Cadabra gets his lead wand from Janice...he holds it high above his head... Bucho Mugralez is holdin' it! Presto can't hit him! Chang with a big kick to Cadabra's chin! Cadabra gets tossed into the ring. Chang with an elbowdrop. Presto gets up right away and hammers Pedro. He whips Chang into the turnbuckle...avalanche by Presto! Chang drops hard. Cadabra going to the top...moonsault? Presto's never done a moonsault innis life! There he goes......
(Crowd moans in sympathy pain)
Ouch! Man, when you do a moonsault, you gotsta turn onto yo' STOMACH, not yo' HEAD! He missed it by 90 degrees. Pedro gots da easy pin...1...2...Cadabra twitched, and that's good enough for the ref. Pedro tries again: 1...2...Cadabra's foot is on da rope. Janice is lookin' worried! Seein' her man all busted up likesta ripe tomato. And man, I don't blame her. But man, she is fine..... (Pause for about fifteen seconds. Camera shows Jamal just sitting there, staring at Janice, with a goofy grin on his face. His gaze shifts to the camera, and he straightens.)
Aaah! Where was I? Oh yeah... Pedro Chang and Presto Cadabra. Pedro's givin' da "drinky-drinky" motion. He goes for the LA Hangover...here comes "Black" Jack Dealer! He jumps on the apron and slices Pedro in the leg! What the hell's he think he's doin'? Now he's stickin' his finger in the blood and smearin' it on his face like Indian war paint? Man, Dealer's snapped. That's just sick, brudder. El Presidente and Bucho Mugralez nailin' Dealer wit' de lead pipes. Dealer's down. But now what? Sweet Candy Andy is comin' through the audience...he's talking to Janice! What's he sayin'? I can't hear from here... Janice smiles and walks off through the audience wittim! Man, now Sweet Candy Andy's got all the ladies in the STWF! Except fo' Kandi. Yeah, but who'd want her? She's a dog! Presto sees it...he jumps out of the ring and runs after Andy...
Ladies and gentlemen, the ref has declared this match a DOUBLE COUNT-OUT!
Ooh, the fans don't like dat. No, not at ALL! IRONMAN watchin' from the ramp...I think he's lookin' for Pedro. On to the next match...
The following contest is set for one fall. Currently in the ring, IRONMAN! (Cheers)
And his opponent, from Toadstool, Arizona...(interrupted by the music. Sugarplum Harry struts out. His underlings are with him still carrying the clay statues on dollies. The crowd boos.)
Y'see, the last time these guys locked up, Ironman was Tony Starks...looks like he can get his return match now. Ironman with an armbar. Sugarplum Harry reverses it. Ironman back - boring! Come on guys, let's go! Ironman whips Harry against the ropes and dropkicks him. Splash by Ironman. Sugarplum Harry takes him off. Sugarplum Harry with a piledriver! Ironman just jumps up, spins around him and delivers a pump-handle suplex. Harry is down. Ironman with a legdrop. 1...2...kickout. Sugarplum Harry at the top buckle - he leaps, flaps his arms a bit - ? - and tries a big splash, but Ironman raises the knees. Ironman stomping on Harry now. Another big legdrop - 1...2...no. Harry leaves the ring. He orders his clay statues to get him...of course, they're motionless! Why does he t'ink dey're alive, and why do his underlings insist on humouring him? They push the dollies toward Ironman. Ironman just laughs! He gives both the statues an Iron Cutter! Then he goes to the underlings...they're begging off! But that doesn't matter, they get one too! Ironman now towards Harry...Harry pulls out the pixie dust and blows it in his eyes! Ironman's been blinded! Sugarplum Harry headbutts him. He's setting up for the Nutcracker! Here comes Pedro Chang! He takes Harry off of Ironman and hits him around! He jumps to the apron and LA Hangover time! Harry is down. Ironman has the time to wipe the dust from his eyes. He rolls Harry into the ring... He's settin' up for another Iron Cutter...YES! He lands it! 1...2...3! Chalk one up for Ironman, with an assist to Pedro Chang.
We'll be right back after dese short announcements.
The Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl will be taking place after MNT17. I may be taking a break for the Christmas Holidays, but after that time, be assured that the first match back will be the Brawl, and it will be nasty. If you haven't received your entry number, let me know so I can tell you.
(Shot of a tile floor) The time is at hand...soon will the Stereo Type Wrestling Federation experience Anarchy... (pink doughnut powder drifts gently to the floor) yes, this will be the place where Anarchy will make his home...
Anarchy. Coming soon to the STWF.
This week's Monday Nae Trous has been brought to you by the Albatross Brothers Gaming Corporation, proud makers of "Salem 1642", the Witch Hunt Game! Fun for the whole family ages 7 and up! If it's on the fringe, it's Albatross Brothers!
Iiiiiiyeah! We's back! Our next match features Michael Wackson as he takes on Invisiblo. Both men are in the ring...at least I think they are...
Wackson looks confused, and boy, would I be too if my opponent was invisible! Wackson drops to the ground! The ref's counting already: 1...2...Wackson kicks out. From what, I don't know. Wackson flips over in mid-air! Hard to tell what these moves are! Wackson is frustrated! He's punching and kicking the air around him, hoping to land something...it's not happening. But wait! Wackson looks to have thrown Invisiblo out of the ring! Pretty crafty...He's running around the ring as the ref counts: 1...2...3...4...5... Wackson's trying to avoid contact with his opponent. If he can do it, the ref would have no choice but to count Invisiblo out. If you can't find evidence that he's in the ring, there's only one other option, isn't there? The crowd's counting too...8...9...10! Michael Wackson has done the near-impossible! It's a win, not a victory, but Wackson doesn't seem to care!
Here is your winner, as a result of a count-out, MICHAEL WACKSON! (Crowd goes ballistic)
Well, I guess Wackson's finally got da crowd over, V. V? Oh yeah, I'm alone! The last match is ready to go. Here comes the Right Hand Man wit' da handcuffs. Here come Sir O. and da Rogue... The Right Hand Man's cuffin' 'em to da Monstron as instructed.
The following eight-man-tag team contest is scheduled for one fall. Making their way towards the ring, the Aboriginals, Très Sheik and Colonel "Pops" Khorne, THE ROGUE'S GALLERY!
(The theme song plays. The crowd is booing, and the Gallery loves it. Colonel Khorne is wearing the ICCTINACBBIC belt proudly. He gets hit with a soda on the way in. Sheik runs back and sprays some of his perfume into Sir O's eyes, knowing nothing can be done.)
And their opponents, Stealth Bomber, Cube, DOOM and "Plasmatic" Peter THOMPSON!
("Up All Night" by Boomtown Rats plays. They all enter to a good pop. DOOM is wearing the STWF championship belt proudly. Peter Thompson runs back and shoots the blood from his wound into the Rogue's face, knowing nothing can be done. The crowd cheers again.)
I mean, was all that manager punking really necessary? Oh, the match is on. Cube and Aboriginal 2 to start things off. Cube starts with a scissor sleeperhold. Strange to start off wit', doncha think? The Aboriginal hits the ropes. The hold is broke. A2 with an armdrag takedown. A2 pulls up Cube, whips him to the buckle, Cube grabs the buckle and leaps up, A2 runs into the buckle, Cube drops behind him, Sunset flip, 1.2.A2 rolls out. Cube with a headlock. A2 quickly bites the hand of Cube. The ref warns A2, who looks real apathetic about da whole thing. He tags Sheik. Hey, who's da big guy comin' over da barrier? Man, he HUGE! 7'4", I t'ink. Barkley-bald, too. Security tryin' to take him away, but they cain't budge'im. Sheik puts Cube in a camel clutch. Cube not submitting...he's free. He tags Stealth Bomber. Stealth Bomber has been meanin' to get his hands on Sheik for a while now. Stealth Bomber with a full-nelson slam. 1...2...kickout. Très Sheik goes for a shoulderbreaker! Stealth Bomber applies an Atomic Drop! Sheik didn't like dat one bit...he doesn't need any more damage down dere, so he tags A1. A1 with a bearhug on Stealth Bomber. Stealth Bomber breaks it wit' a jawbreaker. Bomber with a Boston Crab...hey, a submission move! Dat means I can talk about da big guy again! Well, security's given up now. He's just standin' dere, holdin' some big metal wand. Dere's some gem on top, looks like a diamond, but do diamonds come dat big? No emotion on dis guy's face here. Oh, A1 breaks da hold. A1 with some chops. Big deal. A1 with an Aeroplane spin and a Samoan drop. Hey, he stole BILL's move! An' who does da Spin now anyway?! Nobody! A1 with a cheap cover: 1...kickout. Stealth Bomber tags "Plasmatic" Peter Thompson. He's an up`n'comer. Hurricanrana by Peter. Goes to da buckle: Moonsault by Thompson! A1 rolls it over: 1...2...kickout. Looks like "Plasmatic"'s a rookie. He whips A1 against da ropes. Clothesline by A1. The cover: 1...2...kickout. Peter wit' an enzuigiri kick. A1 goes down. Thompson wit' a chinlock. Ooh, dese eat good time! Back to da big guy. He's walkin' to da Monstron! But why? Hey, da Rogue slipped outta his handcuff! I t'ink he made a deal wit' de Right Hand Man, seein' as how da Rogue in an STWF executive an'all. Da Rogue runnin' to da ring. He's tellin' da Gallery sumpin' but I cain't hear it! Da big guy is cuttin' da lock wit' his wand. Sir O's free now, and he runs down! Da big guy walks slowly to da ring. Both men tagged since...Khorne and DOOM in da ring...both champs. Da crowd is on its feet! DOOM wit' a powerbomb! 1...2...kickout! Anudder one! 1...2...ANUDDER KICKOUT! Khorne whips DOOM into da Gallery's buckle! Dey all beat 'im up! Dis is terrible! DOOM is scheduled to fight IRONMAN for da title nex'week! DOOM is down! But da big guy now in da ring, he's chokeslammin' everyone! And Sir O's guys are dere too! All hell's broken loose! No! I cain't watch! Oh yeah, I gotsta, 'cause I'm de only announcer. Da big guy scarin' da Gallery away. Da ref's called dis match out, but I don't t'ink it matters much anymore. Sir O's team may have won da battle, but at what cost? DOOM's injured! To what extent I dunno, we'll jus' haveta see nex'week. Da big guy holds his wand in de air. Whodat comin' to ringside? It's James J. Dillon? Ah man, jus' when dis fed was gettin' good we get Dillon. He's shakin' hands wit' Sir O. Now he's callin' for da mike. Oh God, here it comes...
It is your pleasure that I introduce...THE KEEPER! Rogue's Gallery, you'd better run and hide, because the Keeper will soon hold your souls as well!
Wonder what he meant by dat "as well" line. Okay, nex'week, you know DOOM takes on IRONMAN fo' da title, an' we'll see Bohemoth in action, as well as Generation X. Oh yeh, an' McMadden an' Cap'n Twilight'll be back. Until nex'week, cool cats, dis is Jamal Tupac Mustafa sayin' Keep yo' pants off, an' PEACE!
(c) 1997 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre 1997