(A large pair of pants floats across the screen, then covered by a gigantic red circle with a line through it. The STWF logo appears)
En español donde sea disponible!
(Interior of "generic STWF arena, somewhere, North America". Two guys with sparklers and flare guns kick off the fireworks to start the show.)
It's that time again, people. I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, along with Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Captain Twilight.
Why weren't we allowed to announce last week, Angus? We demand a solo show too.
Yeah, V, damn straight. You suck as an announcer. Y'ain't got no style, like me!
Whatever. Fine. Cap, show's yours next week, and JMT, you take it after that. You don't want me around, I don't care, you watch the ratings drop. But I'm here this week. Our first match tonight features newly-retooled character Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando, formerly Sir Gary Glutton of the Hedonistic Crusaders, take on newcomer "The Hemophiliac" Ken Thompson.
Hemophiliac? Man, leave your sexual preferences at home, Ken!
You idiot! Hemophiliac means his blood doesn't clot. A pretty strange gimmick, but hey, that's what the STWF is for! We've got more misfits and outcasts than the Raven's Nest could dream of.
That's enough referencing out of you. Gary's in the ring now...
And his opponent, from Arkansas City, Kansas, weighing in at 243 lbs., "The Hemophiliac" KEN THOMPSON!
("Emergency" plays. The Hemophiliac enters to a good pop. Probably just the music.)
Wait a minute! What's the Rogue's Gallery doing out here? The Aboriginals just hit him from behind! Très Sheik kicking him in the face! Colonel "Pops" Khorne has a combat knife! This man has obviously snapped. He's going to cut Ken Thompson!
He did! Oh no, that's never going to close up! The Hemophiliac is as good as gone. Get some paramedics out here!
Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
(Both men turn and glare at Jamal.)
Oh come on, like YOU weren't thinking it?
Here come the paramedics to take away Ken Thompson. This is a black day for the STWF. But hold on! Here comes Sir O. and Stealth Bomber! Stealth Bomber is hammering away at Khorne! I don't know, but I think Stealth Bomber's respect for Khorne just went straight out the window! Très Sheik with the "Eau du Camelle" again in the eyes of Stealth Bomber! The Rogue holding back Sir O. as the Gallery nails Stealth Bomber repeatedly! Here comes the Cube! He's cleaning house with Aboriginal #1, but they're still outnumbered! STWF officials coming to the ring to stop it... The Rogue's Gallery walks off triumphantly. Look for things to get really ugly between the Gallery and Sir O's boys.
Absolutely. Gary Gourmando wins by default. They're not even going to give it to Thompson. Let's go to our next match, as the Inevitables take on the Thugs for Life.
The following tag team contest is set for one fall. Making their way to the ring, with a combined weight of 505 lbs., accompanied by Southside Balla, they are Eastside Playa and Westside Slaya, the Thugs for Life!
("Hit 'em Up" by Tupac plays. They enter the ring. Near-dead silence. Some guy in the front row yells "Scrubs!" and is met with a slap from Southside Balla.)
And their opponents...
(lights go out. They come back on and the Inevitables are in the ring.)
An unusual entrance for the Inevitables.
Westside and the Harbinger to start things off for us. Harbinger bounces off the ropes and hits a flying forearm. Westside responds with a clothesline. He goes for a legdrop - missed. Harbinger with a piledriver! The cover: 1...2...no. Westside attempts a reverse DDT - hit. He lands an elbowdrop. He lands another one! The cover: 1...2...no. He tags to Eastside.
Eastside goes to the top for a moonsault - Harbinger sits up - Eastside falls flat. Harbinger rolls him over:1...2...shoulder up. Harbinger picks him up and gives him a powerbomb. Tag to M. Taxes.
Taxes now with a series of kneedrops. He steps on Eastside's neck. The ref counts - 1...2...3...4...Taxes lifts his boot. ONLY TO STEP DOWN AGAIN! The ref counts quicker: 1..2..3..4..Taxes releases. One more time:188.8.131.52.Taxes releases and the ref warns him. Eastside with a sunset flip:1...2...shoulder up. Taxes is mad! Taxes with a vertical suplex. Taxes with a figure-four leglock: Eastside not submitting... Taxes lets go when the ref sees his holding of the ropes. Eastside trying desperately to make the tag...Taxes pulls him back: THE CANADIAN SERVICE CHARGE! It's over:1...2...Southside Balla pulls him off and the ref warning Southside. All four men brawling in the ring now. The ref trying to make sense of it all. Okay, chaos has broken and the legal men are still Taxes and Eastside.
Taxes with ANOTHER CANADIAN SERVICE CHARGE! It's so horrible, so terrible...
So effective. Taxes with an easy three-count.
Here are your winners - THE INEVITABLES!
What a fantastic match! We'll be right back.
Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl. The nastiest brawl that an e-fed has ever seen. You'll see EVERY STWF/CSTLL wrestler in action, and THEN SOME. In addition, the Circus Freaks will take on the Warrior Gods for the tag team belts, Stealth Bomber will take on Colonel "Pops" Khorne for the ICCTINACBBIC belt, and more. A few short weeks away. Haven't picked your weapons? Better hurry. Haven't told all your friends? Do that too.
This episode of Monday Nae Trous has been brought to you by Fat Matt Gigantic Beef Jerky Sticks for the Morbidly Obese. Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando swears by 'em! It gives him the edge he needs to win his matches, just like today's against "The Hemophiliac" Ken Thompson.
Who you callin' "slim"?
R.E.I. productions proudly presents Lester Leary's third big album: Merry JACKhristmas. All your favourite Christmas carols sung in lounge, for those snowy days when you could really use a sedative. You'll hear 'em all like:
Deck the Halls
Carol of the Bells
Oh Holy Night
And who could forget the FULL version of the Twelve Days of Christmas? You've gotta hear it to believe it!
That's "Merry JACKhristmas", only from R.E.I. productions. Buy it today!
We're back. The Right Hand Man has just signed a special grudge match: An eight-man tag between the Asylum Alliance, and Homeboys and Hardcore.
Wait a second...EIGHT MAN TAG? That means Invisiblo's going to be wrestling! Yeah, so? He IS a wrestler here after all.
Well, technically, but I can't even tell if he exists. Have YOU seen any conclusive evidence at all? I mean, when Sugarplum Harry threw that pixie dust, we didn't see anything, no footprints, nothing.
Jamal with a reference! That's a first, so all eight men are ready to go! We really should stop the chatter so we can see the entrances. And this chatter is cutting into the match!
Mr. Rage will be starting off against Sasquatch. The two biggest guys on each team are ready to go! Mr. Rage with a big headbutt. Mr. Rage attempts a suplex, but Sasquatch reverses it. Sasquatch picks up Mr. Rage and executes a full nelson. Rage is laughing! I think Sasquatch's fur is tickling him!
That's not the first time it's happened either. Unfortunately for Sasquatch, Rage takes the opportunity to execute a backslide: 1...2...kickout by Sasquatch. Sasquatch with a clothesline. He goes to the middle rope - it looks like a Saskatchewan Stomp coming Rage's way: Rage rolls away, Sasquatch lands feet first - nothing lost. Rage still on the floor, sweeps Sasquatch's legs. Splash by Rage: 1...2...kickout. Rage tags Jimmy Cain, and I don't think he's too happy about facing a big guy like Sasquatch.
Well, he's got reason.
Jimmy Cain executes a dropkick - Sasquatch doesn't go down at all. Cain with an enzuigiri - Sasquatch catches the leg in mid-air and drives him to the mat! 1...2...shoulder up. Things are not looking good for Homeboys and Hardcore right now. But hold on! Cain with a hurricanrana! How the hell did he do that?!
Well, Angus, he jumps, and latches his feet to...
You know what I mean. Sasquatch on the floor - Jimmy Cain pins for 1...2...and Sasquatch gets up. He tags the Dizzy one.
Dizzy picks up Jimmy Cain and executes his spinning DDT. He picks him up again and goes for one more. Jimmy Cain with the small package: 1.2.rolled over:1..2..the package is released. Jimmy Cain tags...um, I think he tags Invisiblo. Dizzy quickly tags Bohemoth: I smell a plan...
I think Bohemoth is going to try out his plan. He dances in the middle of the ring, and everything's getting covered in coal dust! It looks like the moment of truth for Invisiblo: do we get to see what the Invisible Luchador really looks like? The ring is now covered, and there's no sign of Invisiblo anywhere!
Then who just nailed Bohemoth from behind?
I didn't see anyone, but Bohemoth certainly went down.
Told you he exists. Bohemoth's shoulders are on the mat: 1...2...shoulder up. Playboy Cartel is tagged in, and he's wheezing with the dust in his lungs. That can't be good. Not at all. Cartel with a kneelift to Bohemoth. He whips Bohemoth into the ropes and goes in with a shoulderblock. Another puff of black dust emerges from the turnbuckle. Bohemoth whips Cartel into the turnbuckle, and a head of steam on Bohemoth: AVALANCHE!1...2...3...Bohemoth requests a five-count: 4...shoulder up!
Bad move on the part of Bohemoth. He had the match won. A frustrated Bohemoth tags the final member of the Asylum Alliance: and we all know who that is!
ThatGuy! The crowd is cheering,the You're Not Safe chants are starting, and ThatGuy looks ready! ThatGuy with a fisherman's suplex to Cartel. And now a piledriver! ThatGuy picks up Cartel and gives him a Samoan drop. ThatGuy's giving the sign...
Oh yeah,da finger waggle. He's goin' for the Hideous Finger Bite!!!!
He lands it! Cartel is in serious pain! But the hold is broken - probably by Invisiblo. Do you see any footprints?
It was close to the rope. Invisiblo could still have been on the apron, or possibly a kick from the turnbuckle.
ThatGuy tags Sasquatch again. Cartel tags Rage. Rage kicking Sasquatch, brings him to his corner, Rage with a flurry of hits, but Sasquatch gives him a neckbreaker! The cover: 1...2...Sasquatch is torn off, Rage on top of Sasquatch, Sasquatch's legs are kicking and suddenly stopped: 1...2...3! Homeboys and Hardcore take this one, if maybe with a little help from Invisiblo. But rest assured, this could be one of the greatest stablewars our fed has seen.
Shut up! Chaos in the ring!I love it when dey do dis.
Alright, we'll just say that it's not a pretty sight, and that we're out of time.
Next week, hopefully, the Aboriginals in action, DOOM vs. Distruct in a non-title match, and we'll see if "The Hemophiliac" Ken Thompson is okay.
Oh please, he was blue when they wheeled him out of here. Give it up already.
You really don't know how to make people join us next week, do you? Sigh. Okay, until then, keep your pants off!
(c) 1997 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre 1997