(A large pair of pants floats across the screen, then covered by a gigantic red circle with a line through it. The STWF logo appears)
En español donde sea disponible!
(Interior of "generic STWF arena, somewhere, North America". Two guys with sparklers and flare guns kick off the fireworks to start the show.)
Welcome once again to Monday Nae Trous! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and for some unknown reason BOTH Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Captain Twilight are gone! I'm going it alone tonight, let's hope I can do it! First up, the ICCTINACBBIC belt goes up as Colonel "Pops" Khorne goes up against "the Chinese Spic" Pedro Chang. But first, here's some comments from the Rogue and the Colonel.
The Rogue: Finally, as an executive of the STWF/CSTLL, I'm getting some respect around here! My Gallery will job no more! And we're starting with Pedro Chang. We've got nothing against Mexico Unlimited, but we're taking that belt, and keeping it in the Gallery where it belongs!
Col. Khorne: Chang! I was in 'Nam and I've seen much worse than you ever will! But I haven't seen wrestlers much worse than you are! In short order, I'm going to taste victory. And it tastes like caramel corn! (takes a handful and crams it into his mouth). Get ready, because the Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This is not a championship belt but it's close" belt is going right around my waist! POP!
Pedro's in the ring now...
And his opponent, representing the Rogue's Gallery, accompanied by the Rogue and Très Sheik, COLONEL "POPS" KHORNE!
("Pop goes the Weasel" plays. Khorne enters to a frenzy of boos. Boy, the Gallery isn't getting much respect THESE days.)
No witty commentary today, this episode's all business...well, mostly business.
Khorne and Chang lock up. Khorne with an armdrag takedown into an armbar submission. Khorne lets go and picks up Chang. He's working that right arm. Chang now whips Khorne against the ropes, attempts a clothesline, Khorne ducks down, back up against the ropes, nails Chang with a jumping knee. Chang is down. 1...kickout. Chang gets up and gives Khorne an enzuigiri. Khorne gives a dropkick and sends Chang outside the ropes. Sheik and the New Rogue stomping on Chang, but Bucho Mugralez is right there threatening them with the lead pipe. They back off. Chang and Khorne both inside the ring now. Chang with a desperation groinshot! The New Rogue is furious! He jumps on the apron, allowing Col. Khorne some room for dirty tactics. He grabs his popcorn tray and blasts Chang in the back! Chang, for a champ, really isn't doing too well, and I'm shocked. The count: 1...2...shoulder up. I can't believe it. Très Sheik on the outside, jumps up on the apron and blows smoke from his hookah into Chang's face! Chang is blinded. Bucho Mugralez gives Sheik a blow to the head with a lead pipe, and the crowd loves it! Sheik is down, but Col. Khorne gives Chang the "Jiffyneckpop" swinging neckbreaker! He places his foot on Chang, and counts on his fingers along with the ref: 1....2....3! Colonel "Pops" Khorne has just squashed Pedro Chang, and given the Rogue's Gallery their first ever belt.
Here is your winner, and NEEEEEW Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This is not a championship belt but it's close" belt champion, COLONEL "POPS" KHORNE!!!
I still can't believe it. This is terrible. Pedro Chang really should have put up more of a fight. But wait, here comes Mexico Unlimited to the rescue! Pepe, Julio, José, Raoul Ramon Ramirez, they're all out here. Except El Spheros - he's not scheduled to wrestle tonight, and I guess they didn't bring the ramp. They're taking the fight back to the locker room. I'll keep you updated as to what's happened, but you know I really won't. I was just saying that.
Anyway, let's get to the second match. New entrant, and Sir O's lackey, the Cube, is making his debut against OddJobber, easily our most popular and underrated wrestler.
This contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring, from London, England, weighing 20 stone, 2 lbs., OddJobber!
(The acid rock version of the James Bond theme plays. OddJobber is still wearing his bowler, shades, ripped jeans and stained "Can I have a pancake?' T-shirt. The crowd is going absolutely berserk and chanting "FREE JOE RAIN!")
And his opponent, accompanied by Sir O.,from Miami, Florida, weighing 255 lbs., CUBE!
("Oye Como Va" by Santana plays. A large black cube approaches the ring...)
Oh my, that big cube better not be him...
(The cube opens to reveal a man in a full black bodysuit. The crowd doesn't know what to think.)
***bell rings. The Cube will have a tough time winning the crowd over against OddJobber. Cube starts with a hiptoss. OddJobber gets up and gives Cube a chop, and the crowd roars again! It was just a chop, but they love any offensive maneuver he gives! It's astounding! Cube with a Headlock. OddJobber gets out, pushes Cube against the ropes trying for a roll-up, but Cube hangs on. Cube with a headscissors. Cube to the middle rope, and executes a dropkick. OddJobber hits the floor hard. Cube now with a sleeper...the crowd is urging OddJobber on...the ref lifts the arm...1...2...on three it stays up and the crowd loves it again! Cube with an abdominal stretch. OddJobber won't give, which I find surprising. Cube just lets go and gives OddJobber a shoulderbreaker. That seems to have gotten OddJobber mad...he gives Cube a double underhook powerbomb, and then a Doctorbomb! The crowd is on its feet as the ref counts 1...2...kickout. The crowd slumps and groans. Cube now with a somersault splash, and it looks like he's ready for his finisher, the Cubism! Still pretty hard to describe, but he has indeed placed it on, and OddJobber...is struggling, the crowd is with him 100%, but it's too much! OddJobber submits!
Here is your winner, as a result of a submission, CUBE!
On his way out, Cube yells something to El Spheros at a camera. I wonder about that - does Cube really know what he's getting into? We'll be right back.
Remember kiddies, the STWF Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl is a few short weeks away! If you haven't chosen your weapons yet, do so now, to avoid getting stuck with gardening implements. Yeah? Try me.
R.E.I. productions presents Lester Leary's greatest album yet, Schoolhouse Lounge! All your favourite children's songs, in lounge style! With great hits like "Interplanet Janet", "How a Bill becomes a Law", and of course...
(Lester sings) Conjunction Junction....what's your-function? (thank you!) Hookin' up words......and-phrases-and-clauses...JACK!
Yes, they're all here, pick up your copy TODAY!
This episode of Monday Nae Trous has been brought to you by absolutely nobody. Der Kommissaar is actually paying for this one out of his own pocket. I hope you're all happy now.
Well, that last comment was pretty bitter. Okay, here's our last match of the day. Mr. Rage is scheduled to take on Sugarplum Harry. Mr. Rage is in the ring now, and I believe Invisiblo is on the outside, but how would you know?!
And his opponent, from Toadstool, Arizona, weighing 385 lbs., SUGARPLUM HARRY!
("Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies", played on a tuba, blares over the PA, causing one of the woofers to blow. One of the technicians goes over to look at it. Sugarplum Harry, still wearing his pink tutu, enters to a mixed reaction. His pixies are right behind, with the mangled clay statues.)
***bell rings. Mr. Rage and Sugarplum Harry lock up. We've heard quite a bit from Harry lately, perhaps he's making a title run. Then again, he'd have to get in line, because Bohemoth wants the title, Distruct wants the title, Mr. Rage also wants the title, I'm sure that the <-BLEEP->swhupper would want the title if he starts speaking to us again, so it's a pretty big race.
Mr. Rage with a flurry or rights and lefts. DDT by Rage. Sugarplum Harry with a vicious clothesline. A big splash by Harry:1...2...he's pulled off! But no one...oh yeah, Invisiblo. Harry seems to be getting pounded by Invisiblo! Harry pulls out his pixie dust - I guess he wants to make Invisiblo visible. He blows the dust - Invisiblo's not there! But the ref got a nice eyeful of dust. Mr. Rage hits the bulldogging headlock! He covers: There's no one to cover! The ref is down - but wait, the ref's arm is being raised and lowered by Invisiblo! Invisiblo brings the arm up once and down:1. Again:2. And a third time:yes, he's done it. The timer was fooled - he's ringing the bell. Here is your winner, Mr. RAGE!
Wait, here comes another ref, he's telling the announcer something...looks like the official word is coming in...the ref is up now and surprised the match is over...
The refs have changed their decision, and have called this match a NO CONTEST!
Well, I don't blame them: Sugarplum Harry blew the dust in the ref's eyes, but Invisiblo interfered as well, and tried to make it look as if the ref was okay. But wait! Mr. Rage and Invisiblo are double-teaming Sugarplum Harry! And here comes Generation X! All four men beating on Harry. The pixies try to stop it, but are just thrown out of the ring!
And here comes the Asylum Alliance! What are THEY doing here? They're battling Homeboys and Hardcore!
That's all the time we have for this week. Until next week, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying, keep your pants off!
(c) Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre 1997