(A large pair of pants floats across the screen, then covered by a gigantic red circle with a line through it. The STWF logo appears)
En español donde sea disponible!
(Interior of "generic STWF arena, somewhere, North America". The two technicians with sparklers and flare guns have returned. Somebody is holding up an EBW sign, and an STWF employee is trying to take it away from him.)
Welcome to Monday Nae Trous! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, along with Jamal Tupac Mustafa, as always, and Captain Twilight is still missing, but we are told he will be announcing with us next week at Monster Bash. (squints at teleprompter) ...oh yeah, and we're not wearing pants.
Come on, V, it's true for one thing, I've got my loincloth and you gotcho kilt, and two, 'taint nuttin' to be ashamed of, and three, why do you t'ink dey called it Nae Trous in da first place?
I'm perfectly aware that "nae trous" means "without pants", I just don't like saying it. ENOUGH OF THAT! THIS AUDIENCE IS READY TO GET STEREOTYPICAL!
Let's start things off as newcomer (squints at teleprompter)... What? That's his name? We won't get away with that! Oh well, let's try. The <-BLEEP->swhupper...takes on Très Sheik.
It was bleeped, V.
I figured it would. This is a prime time audience after all.
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way towards the ring, from Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, weighing in at 244 lbs., Très Sheik!
("Supermodel" played on a sitar and tabla, plays. Sheik enters with a glitter Nehru jacket, sequined turban and is smoking a hookah. Crowd gives a negative reaction.)
And his opponent,accompanied by the Playmaker and Mama, from wherever he damn well feels like coming from, weighing in at 250 lbs., (squints at card, then shrugs and attempts to say with a straight face)...the <-BLEEP->swhupper!
("Phenomenon" by LL Cool J plays. The wrestler wears sweats and wrestling boots. The Playmaker is a black man in a suit. Mama does not look like his mother. She is dressed in expensive casual clothes and carries a leather belt with her. The crowd gives a slight cheer, after which the Playmaker tells everyone to shut their collective holes.)
I see his name was bleeped again. I can't say I'm surprised.
The two men lock up. The Sheik on the receiving end of a brain buster. Sheik tries to counter with a dropkick and misses terribly. Sheik now takes a German suplex. The cover:1...2...no. The, um, well you know who! - gives the Sheik a Belly-to-belly. Sheik tries a full nelson. Ouch! On the receiving end of a headbutt.
You haven't said his name once! Come on, V.
What for? It'll just be bleeped. Okay, fine. The <-BLEEP->swhupper goes for his finisher: The "Moneymaker"!!! He lands it! The cover: 1...2...3! Wait, here comes the Rogue...what does HE want?
It's that same Rogue who came to see the Aboriginals! Does he want to take the <-BLEEP->swhupper fo' his Gallery?
I have no idea. He's reviving Très Sheik! WHY?! They're walking off! The playmaker is grabbing the mic from the announcer.
Here. I'll show you how to do this RIGHT! Hereisyourwinnertheasswhu<-BLEEP->!
(Angus and Jamal look at each other with wide mouths)
He said it! And the boys in the control room were too late in bleeping!
Oh my, the FCC is going to have a field day with this! Let's hit the next match.
The following contest is set for one fall. Making their way towards the ring, accompanied by Jason Howe, from New York City, with a combined weight of 499 lbs., Jim Dewey, Mark Cheatham, the CAPITAL PUNISHERS!
(Theme from "Night Court" plays. Jason Howe, an obese man with a ripped Hawaiian shirt, bicycle shorts and sandals, leads two men in suits who are carrying Haliburtons. Slight cheer.)
And their opponents, accompanied to the ring by Southside Balla, from South Phoenix, Arizona, with a combined weight of 505 lbs., Eastside Playa and Westside Slaya, THUGS FOR LIFE!
("Hit 'em Up" by Tupac Shakur plays. The men enter with baggy jeans and wearing "doo rags". Southside Balla is dressed in an Armani suit. He is holding a 40-ounce bottle of Jack Daniels, and is talking on a cell phone. The Thugs flip off the audience, thus invoking boos.)
Hey, I like dese guys! Kinda remind me of me!
***bell rings. Which one is which? I think that's Eastside, starting with Mark Cheatham. Mark with a vertical suplex. Eastside with an enzuigiri kick and Mark goes DOWN! Eastside picks him up and gives him a hurricanrana! Goes up top for a BIG elbow. Tag to Westside.
Westside picks up Mark and gives him a press slam. Jason Howe goes up to the apron, but Southside Balla pulls him off and throws him into the railing! Dese guys are great!
Westside with a Stun Gun. Mark goes sailing into Jim Dewey, and the tag is made. Westside wastes no time in giving him a spinebuster. Jason Howe up on the apron again to distract the ref. He kicks Southside to avoid conflict. Dewey grabs a hold of Westside, Mark with the Haliburton:
NO! Cheatham smashes Dewey right on the noggin. Cheatham throws away the Haliburton and gets back just when the ref turns around.
Tag to Eastside - Westside does a Death Valley Driver! And now to the high-rent district, a triple jump moonsault! Eastside does a legdrop! 1...2...3 and this is done.
Here are your winners, the Thugs for Life!
Southside: My Thugs for Life are the best team your sorry federation has to offer! Warrior Gods, Generation X, Vegas Connection: Meet the final team. You can have all the barbed wire and catwalks you want, but we're going to win, and that's a promise!
Big words from Southside Balla on behalf of the Thugs for Life. Coming up next, Tony Starks will take on Col. "Pops" Khorne. We're taking you now to Starks' comments.
Mr. Rage. You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into. I have a BIG surprise for you come Monster Bash, and when I reveal it, the STWF will never be the same. Bring your plastic explosives, my bombshell will be bigger than any explosion you've seen!
That had nothing to do with Col. Khorne.
Why would it? Monster Bash is next week. Yes? Hello? I'm receiving word right now, that El Spheros has challenged a member of another federation to a title match for the STWF belt at Monster Bash! And Der Kommissaar has scheduled it BEFORE the match with DeRanged! He can't be too happy about that.
Well then, who's El Spheros fighting?
He goes by the name of DOOM.
I've heard of him. Should be a great match!
Indeed. I suppose the gimmick for this match will be that it's an interfed contest. Okay, both men are in the ring. Let's kick it off!
Khorne asking for a test-o'-strength. Starks doesn't accept, and puts Khorne in a piledriver! He picks him up, and does it again! Starks is really focused today!
Col. Khorne with a double chicken-wing. Starks gets out easily. Starks gives "Pops" a rope burn - I haven't seen Starks this fired up before! Col. Khorne getting frustrated - he's bringing that popcorn tray - what the hell does he think he's going to do with that?! He just hit the referee with it! He wants this match to get dirty! Khorne lifts the tray way above his head for a good hit, but Starks with a big kick to the midsection. "Pops" drops the tray. He has that bag of vacuum-packed kernels - I'm sure that could hurt if hit hard enough.
Couldn't give him a better weapon, could you, McMadden?
Quiet you. Khorne nails the bag onto Tony Starks' head, but he just laughs it off! And there's Mr. X hitting Col. Khorne in the back with the tray! Starks lands the Starks Stunner! The ref is back up now, sees Starks pinning Khorne: 1..........2...........3! This was a quick match, but good nonetheless.
Did we run out of time? Were there no commercials?
I suppose not. Join us at Monster Bash next week, where it's going to be one HELL of a card! Thank you, and until next week, keep your pants off!
(c) 1997 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre